"Well?" he said, tapping on the door.

"I'm tryin'! Y'can't rush these things."

"You drank the whole rainbarrel! Think of waterfalls, rainstorms, dripping faucets..."

"Mac, I can't pee if I know yer standin' there listenin'."

"What do you want me to do? I'm just as anxious as you are."

Applejack sighed and peeked through the moon-shaped hole. "I kinda doubt that. Last time I checked, you ain't the one who's gonna have to squeeze somethin' the size of a watermelon outta hole the size of---"

"Fine! I'll go for a walk."

"Bring me back some fritters!" she called after him.

"Sure. What do you want on 'em? Pickles?"

"Don't be a wise-ass. I don't even know if I'm eatin' for two yet." She opened the door just wide enough to poke her head out. "Now git!"

She waited until she was sure he was gone, and carefully positioned herself over the loo. "Betcha ten bits some unicorn designed these," she muttered, struggling to point the business end of the test under her crotch. "It'd be so much easier if I could just 'magic' it in place. How'm I s'posed to pee standin' like this? And I'll have to pick it up with my mouth after---Whoa!"

The sudden gush surprised her so much she nearly dropped the stick, but managed to press her hooftips together just in time. Wow. She'd never had such an explosive piss before.

"Okay," she said, shaking off a few droplets. "Easy part's over."

Picking up one of the magazines, she flipped to a random article and tried to keep her eyes from wandering over to that innocuous-looking little device.

"Now for the longest freakin' two minutes of my life."

***

Big MacIntosh returned with a tray of fritters balanced on his head. He'd eaten the pickle on the way, deciding it better not to rub salt in any potential wounds. He was a little surprised to find that his sister was still in the outhouse; the trip to and from couldn't have taken less than five minutes. Wasn't the test designed to give an answer in two?

He put the plate of fritters on the ground. Nudging the box, he turned it on its side to see if there were any directions, and a folded piece of paper fell out the open end. In large letters on the top fold, it read "PLEASE READ ALL DIRECTIONS BEFORE USE."

"AJ?" Big MacIntosh said as he used his hooves to spread the crinkled paper. "Didja read the instr---"

The outhouse door exploded open as Applejack did a full somersault and cartwheel, landing in a hoofspring. "YEEE-HAW!"

She slammed the dripping pregnancy test on the ground like it was a touchdown and bucked her back hooves in the air. "See that?!" she crowed, now looping her front hooves in the air like Braeburn. "One line! Count 'em, one!"

"AJ---"

"One lil' blue line! Oh, I could almost kiss it if it wasn't covered in piss!" Throwing her front legs around his neck, she gave Big MacIntosh a big sloppy smooch on the cheek. "C'mon, big brother! I'm takin' you out for a drink!"

"AJ---"

"Real champagne! I'll buy some Dam Perignon! We'll do a round of shots!" Applejack flopped down on the warm grass, grinning ear-to-ear. "All that worryin' fer nothin! To think I actually started goin' through what to name---"

"APPLEJACK!" he bellowed.

"What?"

Throwing the paper at her, he snapped "Didja bother t'read the instructions?"

She blinked. "Uh... no. Why?"

"And mares always say it's the stallions who do that. Now read 'em!"

Applejack rolled onto her belly and perused the smeary little sheet. Under a slightly-horrifying diagram depicting a pregnant mare's uterus in cross-section was some academic gobbledegook: A systematic review published by the University of Pranceton showed that home pregnancy test kits, when used by experienced technicians, are almost as accurate as professional laboratory testing (97.4%). When used by consumers, however, the accuracy fell to 75%: the review authors noted that many users misunderstood or failed to follow the instructions included in the kits. Improper usage may cause both false negatives and false positives...

"Out loud, if'n y'don't mind."

"Which part?"

"Third paragraph."

She cleared her throat. "Okay, uh... 'False negatives are common if the test is taken too early. Accurate results are only possible when the test is taken at the very least two weeks post-insemination...'"

Thinking she'd missed something, Applejack flipped the paper over, but there was nothing but the same thing in a different language. She looked up at her brother's vexed expression. "Wh... what's that s'posed to mean?"

"It means hold the champagne," he said tersely. "For that matter, don't you dare drink anything hard for the next fortnight. Y'ain't sure a'nothing yet."

"You mean... I wasted twelve bits on this hunk a' junk?"

He stamped a small crater in the dirt. "Forget the damn money, Applejack!! We both got bigger things to worry about now!"

All the wonderful, sweet swells of hope inside her began trickling away, leaving the hollow worry in their place. "Oh."

"There's yer fritters," he said, motioning with his head. "Now if you'll excuse me, I got somethin' better to do."

Applejack reached up at him. "Mac..."

He swatted her hoof away. "Don't."

"Mac!"

Applejack felt something deep and dark sinking in her gut as she watched him turn and begin to walk away. "Mac, listen to me!"

"Nope."

"Remember when Cheerliee came knockin' on the door at three in the mornin'?!" she shouted. "Remember that? Don't think I didn't figure out what that was about! You and she jus' got lucky, that's all!"

"Take a word a' yer own advice, Applejack," he snapped, "and mind yer own business!"

As he went to leave again, she said, desperately, "But yer judgin' me! Y'ain't in no position to!"

When he didn't acknowledge her, she screamed at his retreating back "I didn't mean to! It was a mistake! Ain'tcha ever made an honest mistake before?!"

"Eeyup," he said without turning. "I trusted you."

Oh. That stung worse than any slap. "THAT AIN'T FAIR!"

"Life ain't fair," came the reply in a tone that said the conversation was over.

She watched as he disappeared over the crest of a hill... and then her legs buckled and she fell to the grass.

"Dammit!" she moaned, pounding her hoof against the ground. "Damn, damn, dammit!"

Get up.

It was that little voice that only surfaced in her mind when she least expected it. A mare's voice. Not her own, but one that came in familiar, soothing tones.

Get up, Applejack. You're not one to wallow.

"Okay," she mumbled into the grass.

You're not getting up yet! Come on. You can do it.

"Okay," she said again as she rose. "Okay, I'm up."

She exhaled and looked across the field to the farmhouse. You have a job to do.

"I know. I'm-a gettin'."

***

"Afternoon, Applejack!" came Granny's sunny voice from inside. Her snout crinkled up when Applejack passed her. "Phew! Yer breath smells like a brewery! Been drinkin' all night?"

"Uh-huh." She flopped down on the couch, looking out the window. Well, I ain't the first mare to get herself in this predicament. There's gotta be somethin' I can do.

Granny chuckled good-naturedly. "Well, don't go thinkin' a hangover's gonna getcha outta yer chores."

"Uh-huh." I'll go see the doctor. They got better pregnancy tests in a hospital than y'can get in a box, right?

"By the way, me an' Applebloom went to market earlier. Picked up quite the bounty. What d'you fancy fer dinner?"

"Uh-huh." Dammit, one night with a stallion ain't worth this kinda stress! From now on I'm stickin' to mules! That or switchin' teams...

The smile disappeared. "Are you listenin' to me?"

"Uh-huh."

"A herd a' buffalo just flew out my nose."

"Uh-huh."

"APPLEJACK!" she hollered right in her ear.

"AAH!" She jumped high enough to bonk her head on the top windowsill. "Jeez, Granny, what'd you do that for?!"

"You were so far off in la-la land I thought I'd never getcher hooves back on the ground. Now, what d'you fancy fer dinner?"

Slumping back into the cushions, Applejack groaned. "I dunno, Granny. I ain't hungry. I'm feelin' a mite nauseous..."

"Oh!" she said. "I dun' plum forgot. Somethin' came for you."

"Huh?"

Granny gestured at the kitchen table, and for a full ten seconds time seemed to stop. Applejack's eyes were nearly popping out of her head as she stammered "Wha-wha-what...?!"

"Don't they look purdy!" she said as she carefully scooped the flowers out of the vase. Holding then out to Applejack, Granny smiled and said "Here, take a bite!"

She instinctively put a hoof on her fluttering belly. "I... I don't..."

"A darn shame carnations give yer brother gas; we coulda had these for dessert." Then she cocked an eyebrow. "Applejack? Y'ain't lookin' so hot."

Swallow it down. Don't puke. Just swallow. After a few tense moments, she managed to plaster on a smile. "I'm... fine."

"Well. I'll leave these here 'til y'feel like eatin'. Oh... by the way?"

"Uh-huh?"

"How come Pinkie can remember everypony's birthday but yours? These came a month early!"

Applejack's knotted shoulders immediately relaxed. "Oh! They're from Pinkie Pie?"

Granny shrugged. "I jes' assumed as much. I didn't read the card since it was addressed to you..."

"The... card?"

"See fer yerself. G'wan."

She carefully opened the little square of paper, and for the umpteenth time that day her gut churned. All it said, in a loopy hoof-writing she didn't recognize, was 'Thanks for a night I won't soon forget.'. There was a doodle underneath it---and it looked like a small apple slice.

His fucking cutie mark.

Granny was saying something, but Applejack couldn't hear her. Anger was making blood pound in her eardrums. He sent this to my home? He sent this to my HOME?!

"I'm gonna kill him!" she said out loud.

"You'll do nothing of the sort. You know it's best to keep clear when yer brother gets in one of his moods, now."

"Huh?"

Granny sighed and shook her head. "Big MacIntosh's been broodin' up in his room again. You two have a fight?"

They made eye contact, and then Applejack's gaze drifted to the bouquet. "He... we... he can't get it through his thick skull that I'm a grown mare!" she suddenly blurted. She couldn't believe she had to blink back tears. "He still thinks I'm a lil' filly he has to look out for!"

"Oh, Applejack." Granny's hoof smoothed out the back of the long blonde ponytail. "He can't help it. I look at you an' I still see that chubby lil' foal with pigtails an' a face covered in fritter crumbs."

"Aw, Granny..."

"Looky here, now." She took Applejack's face between her front hooves and pulled her close enough to touch foreheads. "I may be a dizzy ol' broad, but I ain't stupid. I c'n tell there's somethin' on yer mind you ain't tellin' me."

"Uh..."

"Nope! Keep listenin'. You ARE a grown mare, and yer life is yer business. Just so long's y'
ain't hurtin' nopony, I think yer doin' alright. Y'got a got head on yer shoulders, a lovin' family, and a bunch a' fantastic friends." She pressed her crinkly lips against her granddaughter's temple. "But if y'need somepony t'talk to, somepony who's been around the block, well... y'know where y'can find me."

Applejack quickly wiped the tears off her cheeks. "Aw, look whatcha made me do! Now I'm cryin'."

"Well then, eat some 'a yer flowers! That'll cheer y'up."

With a sigh, she said "I guess I might as well. You want some?"

"Don't mind if I do!"

They each plucked a flower out of the bouquet---Applejack 'accidentally' knocked the card into the water---and began munching.

"Y'know, it's funny Pinkie would send you white carnations," Granny said. "Then again, young'uns don't always know what flowers used to mean."

Applejack took another bite. "I don't follow," she said with a full mouth.

"Well, time was white carnations were a way for a stallion to, uh, let his feelings be known," she said, an unusual little grin forming. Then with a wink, she added "They mean 'I'm still available'."

The petals caught in her throat.

I'm gonna KILL him.

Author's Notes:

True story: my father, who is colour-blind, bought his mom white carnations for Mother's Day when he was sixteen. Grandma, being a bit of a drama queen, pitched a fit because "White carnations mean your mother is dead!!!"

Anyway... whew. Got a little heavier than I meant to in this chapter. But that's what happens with this kind of subject matter. Hope it didn't get y'all too down!