Pie Rock Farm

Pinkie Pie sighed as she looked out over her old home, the home she grew up in fallen apart from lack of maintenance. Just like her mood, her hair was somewhat droopy but still with a noticeable bounce. She sat in the same spot she had been when she was a foal, looking up towards the sky like she had before. She closed her eyes and sighed nostalgically.

Things were so much simpler back then. Even if the war had been going on, it had been around for so long that I just kind of figured it would always be there. I never thought things could get worse.

The pink mare thought back to the brilliant display of light in the sky, the same explosion that sparked her love of parties and earned her cutie mark. She never did find out what that was, but the memory of it was enough to keep her going on most days. But sometimes the memory wasn’t enough, and she had to return to her roots, to feel what is was like back then. To remind herself why she kept going.

Can’t stay too long, though, or Twilight will have another breakdown.

“Well, well. Looky here, boys,” came a gruff voice.

Pinkie turned to see a group of seven minotaurs approaching her from all sides, armed with sinister looking axes. Their armor was a dull grey and had spiked shoulder pads.

What!? How did they sneak up on me!? Was I really that lost in thought!? And why are they here anyway!?

“Looks like those griffins were right, there was one of them here.”

“Long way from home, huh little pony.”

“Actually, this is my home,” Pinkie replied, pulling out her warhammer. “Now how about you leave before I decide to use you to give it some color?”

The apparent leader looked surprised for a moment before laughing. “Hear that, boys!? This one’s got spunk!” He then turned back to snarl at her. “Let’s beat it out of her.”

Pinkie gripped her hammed tightly as they all began to close in on her.

“Pardon me, fellows.”

Everyone turned to face a strange creature they had never seen before. It stood on two legs, had two arms, and was dressed almost completely in clothing. The clothes in question were a white collared and long sleeved shirt, a yellow tie, green slacks with a black belt, and black shoes, all of them disheveled like he got out of bed. On his head were a pair of round glasses, the reflection of light somehow completely blocking out his eyes, and his green hair looked like it had been blown back by a strong gust of wind or an explosion.

The creature stopped to take a sip of a drink from a green thermos before continuing in a very quick and rushed speech.

“Now I normally do not like to make assumptions, however it seems unlikely that the scene I am observing is anything but a classic rendition of several burly and otherwise aggressive males ganging up on a single female, which implies several outcomes, none of which are too pleasing to think about. I also understand you are unlikely to take this warning into consideration, however I feel it only fair to warn you that if you do not leave the young female alone, I will be forced to enact physical violence upon you.”

Everyone just stared for a moment.

“Uh… what?” one of the minotaurs asked.

The creature sighed. “Leave the pink equine alone, or I will beat you up,” he clarified.

The minotaurs immediately burst out laughing.

“Rock Crusher, take care of this idiot,” the leader ordered as he wiped a tear from his eye.

“Sure thing, si-”

The minotaur was cut off by an explosion in his face, knocking him to the ground. Everyone was quiet as they saw the creature standing right where the minotaur was, as if he was always there, holding out some kind of spear where his opponent’s face was. It took Pinkie a moment to realize that it was the thermos, which had extended and transformed. The creature drank from his spear before turning to the group.

“I believe there are two possible scenarios here, the first being that you all leave and take your unconscious friend with you.”

“GET IT!” the leader shouted as they all rushed towards him.

“And it seems it will be the second then,” he replied coolly before dashing forwards in a blur.

A few hours earlier…

So this is it, my first convention, the man thought as he walked up the steps. On his back he carried a hiking pack with a sleeping mat, over his shoulder he had a gym bag. Well, onwards and upwards, he thought as he climbed the stairs.

The thin stick of a man was named Bertrand Keagan, a person who stood out even among the costumed con-goers. While most were teenagers and some were even in their late twenties, Bertrand was in his late fifties, having nearly half his life passed him by. Wrinkles had begun to show on his face, and his fingers had begun to change from merely thin to bony. Dark circles hung under his eyes, made especially noticeable by the glasses he wore with the fake white one-way lenses.

Even still, his older appearance was not commented on due to his attire, dressed as Dr. Bartholomew Oobleck from Roosterteeth’s original production, RWBY. It was almost uncanny how similar the character was to himself: Tall and thin, an advanced vocabulary, a love of teaching, particularly history, and a seeming addiction to coffee. They even had their doctorates, Bertrand having three in Sociology, History, and the more specific Art History, and was working on a fourth in psychology. There were differences of course, namely that Bertrand didn’t need glasses, had curly red hair, and of course he wasn’t anywhere near as physically fit as the professor at Beacon Academy.

Despite these achievements the doctor could very much be considered a geek or nerd, if an intellectual one. The world of entertainment, all forms of entertainment, fascinated him. Not merely as a way to pass time but because they were all products of the times, whether they knew it or not. While many men his age saw television, movies, and video games as time wasters (especially video games) he saw them as the next wave of art. True, they were usually made first and foremost as products, but that didn’t diminish their values as stories or works of art or examples of the times. It also helped him connect with his students more to know what they were doing in their free time, what was influencing their lives, and help bridge the age gap between them. That was especially necessary now as he was teaching in high school, taking somewhat of a break from more intensive academia.

The man passed a young boy, one that he swore he recognized, before moving on and observing the schedule for the day. It would still be a few hours before anything he was interested in started, so he decided to check out some of the shops. On the way he passed a couple, a young boy and girl in their early twenties. The boy was dressed as Kirito and the girl as Asuna, both from Swords Arts Online, and they shared a kiss with each other. Bertrand looked at them sadly before moving on.

How nice that must be, he thought.

Though he had accomplished much in the field of academics he had not lived an entirely fulfilling life. Bertrand had long given up on finding love and starting a family and now he wouldn’t have even had time for it, burying himself in his works, jobs, and studies. It was quite a lonely existence sometimes, both his parents having passed on, very few friends, and not even a sibling to interact with. But Bertrand had decided back in his early twenties that he had something more important to do. A line that Professor Oobleck had said once lined up so well with his beliefs that it was the reason he had decided to cosplay as the character.

As a teacher, I can take knowledge - the most powerful weapon of them all - and place it into the hands of every student that passes through my classroom.

Bertrand smiled as he looked out upon the many young faces in the crowd. To many his age, and many even their age, they were just young people trying to live a happy life and not get swallowed by society. But to him each and every one was someone capable of changing the world, someone capable of pushing humanity to a place they’d never even dreamed. He just needed to guide them.

“Well, isn’t this a sight?” came a voice.

Bertrand turned to see a an older man wearing shades with black hair. He instantly recognized him as Mr. Hanekoma, the mysterious and knowledgeable benefactor to the player character in the game The World Ends With You, a game he and one of the students in his art history class had bonded over.

“Didn’t expect to see someone your age walking around like one of the kids.”

Bertrand smiled. “My good sir, adulthood and childhood are more states of mind than biological stages.”

“Heh, got a point there. See anything you like?”

He made a quick scan of the table but didn’t find anything to his liking. He did, however, notice a replica of Weiss Schnee’s Myrtenaster.

“Not quite, but I don’t suppose you have anything along the lines of that little gem?” he asked.

The Hanekoma cosplayer smiled. “I think I got what you’re lookin’ for. Hold on a sec.” The man turned and opened up a case, sifting through it before pulling out a familiar green colored thermos. “How’s this?”

“You certainly are well stocked, sir. How much?”

“Well, normally I’d charge four hundred for it. But if you’re willing to make a little deal, I’d cut you a break.”

“Four hundred? For a mere thermos? It might be nice and what I was looking for, but it seems a bit much,” Bertrand complained.

Hanekoma simply smirked and pressed a button, causing the thermos to extend into a weapon.

“I stand corrected.”

“Heh, no problem,” he replied, converting it back into a thermos shape. “But anyway, I got a deal for you. If you get this, I’ll throw in this,” he said pulling out a coffee mug with the Beacon Academy insignia on it. “All for half the price.”

Bertrand looked surprised. “You’d give me twice as much for half the price?”

“Hey, I run my shop the way I want,” he answered with a shrug.

“As good an answer as any. It’s a deal, my good man,” he replied, pulling out the necessary bills and taking his items, the coffee mug placed in a small box with cushioning.

“By the way, also got some joe if you want. On the house… for two fifty a cup,” Hanekoma offered with a laugh, directing attention to his coffee maker. “That thing ain’t just made to look like a thermos, you know.”

“Quite in character, aren’t you? Well, I might as well,” Bertrand replied, paying up some extra cash and filling his new thermos to the brim. “A pleasure to meet you, good sir. Maybe we’ll cross paths again,” he said before walking off.

“If so, it won’t be for a long, long time,” Hanekoma muttered, unnoticed by the aging congoer.

Bertrand continued his walk around the con, posing for anyone who wished, checking out a panel for voice actors, before he began to walk back into the mob. It was then he heard screaming. He noticed a giant model of the Hulkbuster Armor was falling over, and a young boy was right in the path, a mere yard away. Despite his age his body moved on instinct and he rushed to push the other congoer out of the way, not even noticing his appearance. Unfortunately, he didn’t get there in time before the model fell on them both.

Twenty minutes earlier…

Bertrand awoke with a start, his face in slight pain as he pushed himself off the ground, shaking his head and trying to reorient himself. He noticed something foreign in his nose and quickly blew it out, finding it to be a rock. He observed his surroundings, finding himself in some sort of farm with rocks everywhere.

What is the meaning of this? Where am I? He thought, not recognizing anything. He soon felt panic begin to set in before clamping down on it. No, no, keep calm. First, observe your person, check for any… what in the world?

Bertrand observed his hands, finding them to be considerably younger than they should be. He quickly felt his face, finding his wrinkles to be gone and, even more surprising, that his wig was missing. Checking his immediate surroundings he noticed both his bags and quickly reached inside his hiking pack to find a cheap compass he had bought to complete the look. Checking his reflection he noticed that his wig had become his hair, and the the face was not his own, but still one he recognized. Once again, panic began to rise, but he clamped down on it again, though less successfully than before.

Alright. I’m in an unfamiliar territory, with a new body. Oobleck’s body, it seems. Stay calm, stay calm, STAY CALM! On instinct he reached for his thermos and took a swig of coffee, the still hot liquid soothing his nerves. Unintentionally he extended the thermos into its weapon state and found a flame light at the end, as if it were the real thing. In his surprise he loosened his grip on the device and the flame went out, although it still held its shape.

And it’s real. It’s an actual weapon now. Bertrand thought. He then took in a deep breath through the nose before exhaling through the mouth. Alright then. My form has changed, my location has changed, and the device I bought has become real. As terrifying as this may be, this is no different that hundreds if not thousands of stories and fanfictions. Just keep it together long enough to get-

His thoughts were cut off as he heard rocks begin to move nearby. Without thinking he grabbed his gear and dashed inside a nearby house, the retreat taking merely a second due to his now enhanced speed.

And I’m now as fast as Oobleck as well. Alright, if nothing else, that should help me stay alive.

He peeked out the door to see a small pink equine come out of a secret passage in the ground. She carefully looked around before gingerly stepping out and closing the passage behind her.

A… pony? Hold on, it seems familiar, he thought. He then noticed the strange tattoo of balloons on her flank. Wait a minute, she’s from that television show that’s become popular in the past few years! What’s her name again? … Pinkie Pie, that’s it! Wait, why is she even here? How can she even exist? What’s going on-!? NO! STAY CALM! he shouted internally as he took another swig of his coffee, having transformed the thermos back into its normal form without thinking. Alright, either that’s the real thing, or perhaps another whose situation is the same as mine?

He observed her for a few more minutes as she seemed to be quietly staring off into the distance.

Something’s different. I remember her being incredibly excitable, but this one seems more… contemplative.

Just as he decided to approach her he saw seven large creature’s appear from behind rocks or other large structures and approach her. It took him only a moment to realize they were minotaurs.

“Well, well. Looky here, boys,” one began, catching the pink mare’s attention, fear noticeable in her eyes. “Looks like those griffins were right, there was one of them here.”

“Long way from home, huh little pony,” another one taunted.

The mare’s eyes hardened, an unexpectedly fierce and determined look on an otherwise adorable face.

“Actually, this is my home,” she replied, pulling out a warhammer as large as she was from seemingly nowhere. “Now how about you leave before I decide to use you to give it some color?”

She’s going to fight them? Can she really hold them all off? He took another sip of his coffee. Maybe I could create some sort of distra- His thoughts cut off when he remembered what he was holding. Well, it seems I have these tools and abilities for now, so I might as well make use of them.

He quickly dashed out of the house as the apparent leader laughed. “Hear that, boys!? This one’s got spunk!” He then turned back to snarl at her. “Let’s beat it out of her.”

Alright, just take the role. Be confident. I’m not Bertrand, I’m Oobleck.

“Pardon me, fellows,” he said, garnering everyone’s attention. He took another swig of his coffee to calm himself before continuing. “Now I normally do not like to make assumptions, however it seems unlikely that the scene I am observing is anything but a classic rendition of several burly and otherwise aggressive males ganging up on a single female, which implies several outcomes, none of which are too pleasing to think about. I also understand you are unlikely to take this warning into consideration, however I feel it only fair to warn you that if you do not leave the young female alone, I will be forced to enact physical violence upon you.”

Just as he thought, they all stared at him with baffled expressions.

“Uh… what?” one of the minotaurs asked.

He sighed, pretending to exasperated instead of scared. “Leave the pink equine alone, or I will beat you up.”

The minotaurs all began to laugh.

Good. Keep making sure they don’t see you as a threat, then strike the first blow.

“Rock Crusher, take care of this idiot,” the leader ordered as he wiped a tear from his eye.

One of them began to break off from the group, heading towards him. “Sure thing, si-”

NOW!

He dashed forwards and extended the thermos right into the beast’s face before pulling the trigger, a small explosion sending him flying back a foot before landing on the ground, unmoving.

Good Lord, did I kill him!? No, no, stay calm. Worry about that later.

He turned to face the shocked others before taking another swig of coffee.

Ok, keep up the superior routine. They’re obviously shaken now.

“I believe there are two possible scenarios here, the first being that you all leave and take your unconscious friend with you.”

“GET IT!” the leader shouted, his face contorted into a scowl, as they all rushed towards him.

“And it seems it will be the second then,” he replied before dashing forwards, wheeling around one of them and standing on its shoulders. Before the creature could react he fired another explosion into the back of its head, sending him to the ground. He quickly dashed and unleashed similar close ranged blasts to the four other ruffians before dashing towards the leader. This one was smarter and almost managed to hit him with his axe as he approached from behind. Bertrand barely managed to stop and move out of the way, dashing back several yards. He attempted to attack from several angles, only for the minotaur to read his moves and cut him off each time.

“Looks like you’re still just a novice,” he gloated, waiting for a chance to attack.

“Perhaps. But, unlike you, I also have options,” Bertrand replied before kicking a soccer ball sized rock into the air. He then pulled his weapon back like a bat and swung as the rock fell to earth, firing the object and coating it in fire. The minotaur held up his axe to block it, but it smashed through the weapon and exploded in his face, sending him tumbling backwards and knocking him out.

After confirming he had defeated all his opponents he turned to face the small pink pony, who was stunned at what she’d seen.

“All you alright, young miss?” he asked, converting the weapon back into its harmless state.

She stared for a few moments before a smile stretched across her face. He could swear her coat became a brighter pink and her mane became more poofy.

“Wowee! That was was one of the most super-duper-amazing-fantastic-awesometacular things I’ve ever seen!” she replied in a quick speech to rival his own. “Just who are you?”

He opened his mouth to respond before closing it. Who am I? Am I still the same person I am before? It seems hard to believe that after what I’ve just been through. He turned to face his defeated enemies. After what I just did.

He gave it a moment more thought before standing proudly. “Young lady, you may know me as Doctor Bartholomew Oobleck. Huntsman, intellectual, and molder of young minds who shape the future.”

She gave him a quizzical look before shrugging. “Well I’m Pinkie Pie, premiere party purveyor of Ponyville!” she smiled before faltering a bit. “Or, at least, I was. Back when we could still go to Ponyville.”

“Well then miss Pie, as much as I’d love to continue this conversation, I think it would be best to do so somewhere less dangerous. Could you lead the way to such a place?”

“Yuperoonie!” she replied, her lively personality returning.

“Excellent! Oh, but a moment please, I think I should dress properly,” he said before dashing off into the house. He opened his gym bag and retrieved the clothing from within: Oobleck’s adventurer outfit that he brought along in case he wanted to change things up. He put on the clothes, straightening them out to impeccable precision, a process that thankfully only took half a minute due to his new speed, and pulled on his hiking pack and gym bag before dashing outside. “Now then, where to?”

Pinkie gasped in excitement. “Oh, I think you and I are going to get along just fine!