Home is for the Weak

by Pickleless

First published 22nd of October, 2015

The princess of the sun and a gimp orphan sit in a cardboard box.

Celestia and Scootaloo are homeless in a Ponyville alleyway together. They like to talk about things.

These are the things they talk about.

Note: The crayon scribbles of a plot is done, but the ride never ends story still updates.

The Backstory that Doesn't Really Matter.

Once every decade, one of the two royal sisters would take a whole year off from ruling the country. They would disguise themselves as a normal pony and live whatever life they wanted for a full year, and then come back to rule the country feeling refreshed. Luna would always try to pick up a hobby: painting, creating music, writing stories... Celestia, on the other hand, would always do one thing and one thing only all year round.

"Please tell me you don't plan to sleep in a box all year." Luna frowned.

"I won't sleep in a box all year." Celestia said calmly.

"It's been a thousand years, you have ruled this country diligently without rest. I understand the temptation but PLEASE sister, don't just doze off in a box all year long."

"I said I wouldn't do that. Lulu, look at me."

Luna stared her older sister in the eyes.

"We're both much more mature than we were a millennium ago. I'm not going to do something as unproductive as sit in a box all year long, I promise."

"You promise, really? Because I'm going to check the streets of Canterlot daily for you sister. You better not be lying."

"Look, Luna." Celestia laid a hoof on her sister's head. "I PROMISE that I will not spend all year sitting in a box, being a dirty, smelly, lifeless pegasus male who does nothing but sleep."

Scootaloo walked into her alleyway to find a dirty, smelly, lifeless pegasus male sleeping in her box.

"Hey," she growled, "this is MY box!"

"Uuuuuuuugh..." The homeless stallion quietly groaned.

"Go find somewhere else to sleep." Scootaloo stamped her hoof.

"I'll cut you-" The stallion starting having a coughing fit.

Scootaloo backed up in fear.

"-a deal kid." The stallion croaked.

"What?" Scootlaoo relaxed.

"I'll cut you a deal kid." The stallion said once more.

Scootaloo watched as he scooted over, making room in the box for her.

"That's not a deal!" She whined.

Her complaint fell on deaf ears, as the stallion was already snoring again. Grumbling, Scootaloo climbed into HER box and tried to get comfortable.

"Well..." she muttered, "at least you're warm and cushy."

Ponyville's winter blew cold air into the alleyway. Scootaloo snuggled in deeper under the stallion's wing. Within minutes, the little pegasus soon joined the older one's deep sleep.

Beat Children who are Smaller than you.

"So I turned twelve years old today." Scootaloo smiled.

"Happy birthday kid." The Stallion congratulated.

"Thanks mister... whoever you are!"

"Nopony special."

"Thanks Nopony Special!"

The two quietly chuckled together as they watched ponies pass by the alleyway.

"So did you get what you wanted?" Nopony asked.

"Yeah, Rainbow Dash let me ride her back as she flew today, it was awesome!"

"Nice..." Special yawned. "So, you know what this means right?"

"What?" Scootaloo blinked.

"You are now powerful enough to beat up three 4 year olds."

"What?"

"Or four 3 year olds, or two 6 year olds."

"Or one 12 year old." Scootaloo finished.

"Now you getting it." Nopony smiled.

"So... does that mean when I'm thirteen I can only beat up another 13 year old?"

"You could also beat up two 6 year olds and two midgets."

"Does that mean, that right now, I have the power to beat up 24 midgets?" Scootaloo stared at the stallion in awe.

"Yes." Nopony gave her the most serious look he could muster.

"Or I could beat up twelve one year olds- WAIT, wait wait wait wait wait!.." Scootaloo stood up in the box.

"Does that mean... I can beat up an INFINITE amount of new born babies?!?"

The dirt covered stallion stood up as well in the unusually large box and held Scootaloo's cheek in his hoof. Staring into her eyes, he said in a mystical, powerful voice:

"Scootaloo, you could beat up EVERY NEWBORN BABY in existence if you so desired..."

Scootaloo got a faraway look in her eyes, dreaming a dream no pony dared to dream before. Suddenly, she knew what she had to do. Seeing a flash, she recognized this feeling of inner acceptance. There was only one explanation for it! Looking at her flank she saw!..

...Nothing.

Featherweight's camera went off again, making another flash as he took pictures of a nearby building.

"Awwww..." Scootaloo pouted as she sat back down.

"Were you seriously hoping for a infant beating cutie mark?" Nopony laid back down as well.

"It might have been cool..." Scootaloo averted her eyes... and then saw a delicious cake sitting on a silver platter.

"Woah," Scootaloo cried out, "where did that come from?!?"

"Who knows..." Nopony smiled.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU FOALS HAS ROBBED US OF OUR ROYAL DESSERT?!?" Luna roared.

Eat your friends, they're delicious.

Scootaloo and Nopony sat in their box, staring off into the clouds with a blank, detached look on their faces. It was lazy days like this tha-

"Quick, off the top of your head," Nopony shouted, "if Sweetie Belle had a taste, what would it be?!?"

"Marshmallows!" Scootaloo shouted.

"Applebloom!"

"Apples, duh!"

"Applejack?"

"Uhh... Apples?"

"No!" Nopony growled. "She is obviously whiskey."

"What's whiskey?" Scootaloo tilted her head in an adorable manner.

"...I'll tell you when you're older. Fluttershy!"

"A tree!"

"Rarity!"

"Nasty!"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"Beef jerky!"

"Twi- wait what?" Nopony stopped.

"Beef jerky!" Scootaloo echoed.

"Kid, she is obviously skittles."

"Pff! Rainbow Dash wouldn't have no namby pamby taste like skittles. She's an awesome flavor, like beef jerky!"

"...How do you know what beef jerky tastes like?"

"...So Twilight!"

"Scootaloo."

"She would obviously taste like something nerdy."

"Scootaloo..."

"I don't know... what do you think?"

"Cocaine, Scootaloo, how do-"

"What's cocaine?"

"Something that seems nice and friendly at first, but the longer you're around it, the more things go to tartarus."

"Yep, that's Twilight alright."

"Scootaloo, how do you know what-"

"Celestia is oatmeal with dinosaur shaped marshmallows in it."

Nopony blinked. "She is?"

"Yeah, because she sounds awesome, but ends up being really disappointing."

"...Okay, I deserve that one."

"You do?" Scootaloo cocked her head.

"But seriously, I'm kinda concerned you know what meat tastes-"

"Princess Luna would be an energy drink."

"Scootaloo!"

"What would Princess Cadence be?"

Nopony sighed.

"Peeps." He grunted.

"Peeps?"

"These little candies that are shaped like baby chicks that are so nauseatingly sugary that just having one makes you sick to your stomach."

"And Cadence is one of those?"

"She's so optimistic you can't help but feel tired after being around her for five minutes."

Scootaloo frowned, deep in thought.

"You okay kid?"

"Hey Nopony?"

"Yeah Scootaloo?"

"Why are all the princesses things that are bad for us?"

...

"Nopony, are you okay? ...Nopony?"

The childhood sandwich of every kid who lived in a 1st world country.

"Nopony, I'm hungry." Scootaloo complained.

"Here, have a PB&J sandwich." He offered.

"I don't want a PB&J sandwich."

Slowly, Nopony turned his head towards Scootaloo, lowered himself to her eye level, and leaned in close.

"Name me a fool who bit into a PB&J and didn't feel a warm glow on the inside." He whispered.

Scootaloo quietly took the sandwich.

She didn't know any fools.

Why Scootaloo.

"Hey kid, if you had to take down Princess Celestia, what would you do?"

"What?" Scootaloo scrunched up her nose.

"Imagine you decided Princess Celestia had to go, and you committed to taking her out, what would you do?" Nopony grinned.

Scootaloo stared off into the distance with a serious expression on her face.

"Sooooo, do I get super powers or anything?" She asked.

"Nope!"

"Like I am now?"

"Yep!"

Nopony, or rather, Celestia, was always curious what ponies who wanted her gone cooked up in their heads. Asking a ten year old wouldn't give her an idea, but she felt it would be amusing to hear what an innocent child could think of.

"Do I have to be a good pony?" Scootaloo questioned.

"In this pretend scenario?.." Nopony scratched his chin. "Tell you what, you can be as evil as you want."

"Okay." Scootaloo nodded.

"This should be good." Nopony chuckled inwardly.

Really, how evil could a 12 year old get? Now he was curious Scootaloo's idea of being evil was like. So he waited.

...

And waited.

...

And waited...

Aaaaaand waited...

Scootaloo hadn't said anything all day. When Nopony prodded and questioned her, she stayed deathly silent. She hadn't eaten or drank anything, she quietly stared off into the distance with a focused look in her eyes. Even her friends Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle couldn't get her to go out and play. It was sunset, and Nopony was seriously considering taking her to the hospital.

"Got it." Scootaloo finally said.

"Got what?" Nopony flinched, surprised.

"How I'd take down Celestia."

"Oh," Nopony blinked. "You do?"

Scootaloo took a deep breath.

"First thing I would do is rent a buncha books from the library about a pony's mind and stuff. You know, all those books on how confidence and insecurities are formed or whatever. Then I'd hang out with Zecora a lot to get to know what she does all the time. Find where she goes, and at what time she'll be where and all that. Then, I would take Apple Bloom and Sweetiebelle with me into the Everfree with me and beat them to death with a bat or something."

Nopony frowned.

"I'm not sure who I would kill first. I mean, Applebloom would put a fight as I'm slugging on Sweetie, but Sweetie has magic that could be annoying to deal with, you know? After killing them I would bloody myself up a bit and wait for Zecora to pass by. I would have to time it so Zecora would show up in about five to ten minutes. When Rarity and Applejack question me in the hospital on what happened. I would say changelings tried to kill us so that way nopony could say they saw them.

"So then Twilight, with all that awesome magic and junk, would totally find the nearest changeling hive and invade it with the rest of the elements of harmony. I would sneak along and join them, trailing behind them as they took out all the changelings. Eventually, they'd would be fighting the whole hive at once. While all the changelings would be fighting them, I would sneak into the breeding chamber and either steal a changeling egg or a changeling baby, either one works.

"Then, I would raise that changeling to have no self confidence and to adore me. That way, it would do whatever I say with undying loyalty. I would also raise it to believe that alicorns were the source of all evil, and that Twilight killed its hive for fun. It'll grow up around ponies praising Twilight for destroying it's hive, and learn to hate ponies and alicorns!

"Then, I would have it hypnotize me to believe that Celestia was actually flying down to where I sleep at night and beating me for stress relief. Luna would see my nightmares, hear my woe, and be conflicted. The seeds of doubt would be planted! I would rob a bunch of banks using the changeling's shape-shifting powers, and hire a master thief to steal the alicorn amulet. I would slip the amulet on Twilight while she was sleeping. While I'm doing this, my changeling will sneak into Canterlot Castle, and transform into Princess Celestia. It would be in a room next to Luna on purpose, and monologue about its evil plan to put the Alicorn Amulet onto Twilight, so Luna and her will have a justification to 'accidentally' kill Twilight. Luna will try to confront Celestia about this, but the changeling will teleport away as Luna breaks down the door.

"I will wake Spike after putting the amulet on Twilight and say that she had gone mad and he should send a letter to Celestia. Celestia will head to Ponyville, and will be stopped by her sister. The three Alicorns will fight it out, and eventually Celestia and Luna will win when they realize they need to stop Twilight regardless of what happens. Celestia will be arrested and contained, and that's when my changeling and I will strike.

"While Celestia has a limiter on her made to suppress her Alicorn's magic, my changeling will hypnotize her, break her out, and have Celestia kill herself. The changeling will take her place and 'Celestia's' journal will be found, stating she planned to kill Luna all those years ago to absorb her powers, but Twilight ruined the plan by actually succeeding at stopping Nightmare Moon, when she was suppose to fail and die, justifying Celestia to kill her sister. That's why she raised Twilight to be friendless and alone in a tower.

"Celestia will be found guilty and sentenced to death, and then I will boast that I set everything up, admitting to killing Applebloom, Sweetiebelle, and stealing the amulet. I will not tell them that I killed Celestia and switched her out with my Changeling. Luna will feel hope in her heart once more. The false truth soothes the pain of betrayal and lies. And then, after they kill me and Celestia is free, my changeling will switch back and confess how Celestia was killed and she took her place, crushing Luna's heart to pieces. It will transform into a small, child version of me, and then it'll say to her..."

Nopony stared at Scootaloo in horror as she turned her cute, puppy like eyes towards him.

"Those are the tears of a fool, who couldn't save her innocent sister from death, when your sister spent a thousand years saving you from your sinful mistakes."

Author's Notes:

Gotta be the best friend, gotta beat your worst friend.

"So who is your worst friend?" Scootaloo asked.

"Worst friend?" Nopony parroted.

"You know, your WORST friend."

"What's a worst friend?"

Well," Scootaloo focused, "You have a best friend right? That pony you connect the deepest with, the pony you act yourself the most around. The one you're naturally want to hang out with all the time."

"Of course." Nopony smiled.

"So who's your best friend?" Scootaloo smiled back.

"My sister!"

"Family doesn't count."

"What? Why not?"

"Come on, that's what ponies say when they're too lame to make any friends. You have friends besides your sister, right?"

"..."

"Wow, really?" Scootaloo shook her head. "Man, that's sad."

"What's a man?" Nopony frowned. "Also, I do too have friends," he huffed, "After all, we're friends, aren't we?"

"You're the strange, dirty stallion who decided to sleep in my box."

"Exactly, we're friends!"

"Right." Scootaloo shook her head. "Anypony else besides me?"

"Uhhhhh..."

"Anypony you spent a lot of time with? You know them really well?" Scootaloo made a gesture with her hoof.

"..."

"Oh man..." Scootaloo sighed.

"Alright big shot, who's your best friend? Consider how close you and the other two crusaders are, I imagine you'll have a hard tim-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"Wow, that was fast. Not even a moment of hesitation there. I mean, really? No chance at all Appleblo-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"I mean, she's fit from working on a farm and you're into sports stuff, I would think you'd relate to her more tha-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"Look, I honestly thought Sweetie was the third wheel in the grou-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"Don't feel bad for Applebloom at all?"

"No."

...

"Well," Nopony cleared his throat, "At least you know who your best friend is."

"So who's your worst friend?" Scootaloo questioned.

"You never said what a worst friend was."

"Oh you know," Scootaloo shrugged, "That pony you only hang out with when you're in a group if you can help it. You have to keep telling yourself 'I like this pony,' whenever they annoy you. You're very careful with what you say to this pony out of fear of upsetting them because they get really annoying when they're upset. You make fun of them behind their back. You would hang out with this pony over a stranger, but nopony else you know. They're your worst friend."

Nopony hummed to himself.

Let's see... Only hang out in groups, have to remind yourself you appreciate them, careful what you say...

...

"You thought of somepony didn't you?" Scootaloo said with a smug grin.

"N- no!" Nopony stuttered.

It was ridiculous, there's no way Twilight is his worst friend. Nopony likes Twilight Sparkle, she saved his sister, is his precious stu-

"You're telling yourself why you like them~." Scootaloo sang.

"Shut up!" Nopony growled.

Sure he only calls her up nowadays when trouble's afoot, but the two of them are busy. I mean, he guards his words around her out of necessity, he's her teacher and... and... Man, Twilight can be neurotic.

"... I think Twilight Sparkle is my worst friend." Nopony mumbled.

"You and Twilight Sparkle are friends?" Scootaloo questioned.

"Long story." He dismissed. "Okay fine, who is your worst fri-..." He stopped.

"What?" Scootaloo frowned.

Nopony had the most evil grin on his face.

"W- what?!?" Scootaloo scowled.

"I know who your worst friend is~..." Nopony sang the same tune Scootaloo sung to him.

"What? No way!" Scootaloo scoffed. "...Who?"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"What?!?"

"You only hang out with her in groups," He pretended to check off a list, "You keep telling yourself you love this pony, especially when she cancels on you, constantly. You're very careful with what you say to her, and you complain about her to your friends whenever she tells you she'll teach you to fly later.'"

Scootaloo opened her mouth to respond, closed it, and then lied down on her side and curled up into a little ball.

"Scoots? You okay? Scoots?.. Huh, usually you break my brain by the end of the day."

Nopony stopped to think about that.

"What has my life become?.."

Take a Guess

"Hey Nopony?"

"Yeah kid?"

"Who was the greatest pony who ever lived?"

"Jack Shit."

"What did he do?"

Oh.

Nopony stirred, starting to awaken.

Scootaloo stared at the clouds.

"Watcha' lookin at?" Nopony rolled over and asked.

"Just some clouds." Scootaloo said absentmindedly.

"Hmm..." Nopony pulled in Scootaloo close, using her as a teddy bear of sorts. "That one looks like an orange."

"You mean a circle?" Scootaloo snarked.

"Of course not, it..."

"Looks like a circle."

"I just woke up Scootaloo."

"Celestia wakes up at the crack of dawn every morning to raise the sun and you don't see her complaining."

Nopony wasn't sure what to say to that.

"That one looks like a chicken." Nopony said.

"Which one?"

"That one there." He pointed.

"That one?" Scootaloo squinted. "That looks like more like a pegasus foal to-..."

Scootaloo slammed her hoof into Nopony's stomach, the larger pegasus only laughed.

"That one looks like a giant demon spider." Scootaloo said.

"That is a giant demon spider." Nopony frowned.

The two watched as the giant monstrosity crashed through a building. Rainbow Dash sent a flying kick right into its jaw. Her other five friends jumped right into the fight with her. The giant demon spider's deafening roar broke a nearby window.

"Huh." Scootaloo blinked.

"Huh." Nopony lowered his head to continue dozing.

Nopony napped lightly, enjoyed the warm sun.

Scootaloo stared at the clouds.

"Hey Scoots."

"Yeah Nopony?"

"If you could have any super power in the world, what would be?"

"Any super power?"

"Yeah, like super strength, super speed, you know..."

Nopony closed his eyes and smiled.

"I sometimes dream I have the ability to climb incredibly well. Hopping through tree branches super fast, swinging and spinning off them. I've always been envious of animals that could do that." He rambled on.

"Huh." Scootaloo commented absentmindedly.

"Another time, I had a dream that I could turn into liquid. At the time in my dream, I remember it being the strangest, yet most exciting thing I've ever done, being able to slide across the ground with no physical form." Nopony grinned.

"Hmm" Scootaloo mumbled.

"If you could have one thing, what would it be?"

"One thing?"

"Yeah!"

"I wish I could fly."

...

"Oh."

...

Nopony wrapped a wing around Scootaloo.

Scootaloo stared at the clouds.

Home is for the weak?..

It was a glorious full moon, glowing bright red, and painting all of Ponyville in a soft, pink light. Citizens frolicked about town, neighing randomly and conveying mindless joy. A young mare and a little filly laid in a box watching the moon in gentle contentment.

"It is a blessed night Shimmer." Diamond Tiara whispered.

"Truly Tiara, we are most fortunate." Sunset smiled.

"Princess Derpy has painted a masterpiece in the sky once more."

"I feel as if the Moon is massaging my brain in the most pleasant of manners."

"All hail the moon." the two monotoned in sync.

"Diamond, I have been thinking." Sunset pondered. "Do you believe there might be more out there beyond Muffinland?"

Diamond Tiara reared up and slapped Sunset in the face.

"Listen to me you succulent, sassy mare," Diamond scolded, "You are lucky that we are best friends. Have you said that to anypony else, they would've cut you down for being the heretic you are!"

"But what if?" Sunset said in a dangerous tone. "What if we left the town see to what lies past?"

"Then we would no longer be in Muffinland!" Diamond snapped. "What could possibly be worse than that?!?"

"Did you ever dream... that there might be more types of food out there than muffins?" Sunset whispered.

"Blasphemy..." Diamond whispered back.

"Answer me, well-polished child!"

"...Yes. Yes I did." She answered.

"Let us go Diamond, together!" Sunset grinned. "Think of the world we could dumbly neigh at! The things we could roll on and lick absentmindedly!"

"This is too much for me." Diamond's eye twitched. "I need to lie down and think about the moon."

"All hail the moon."

"Diamond, dream of a future brighter than starlight and baked goods!" Sunset pleaded. "We could be amazing and/or dead!"

"We really could be amazing and/or dead..." Diamond quietly said to herself.

"Let's go, now! To a brighter tomorrow and/or death!"

"Yeah!" Diamond jumped up. "I believe everything will be better or I'll die!"

"Or both!"

"YEAH!" The two cheered as they bumped hooves.

The two raced towards the edge of the town, laughing like a school filly and a grown mare with the maturity of a school filly.

"Stop, what are you two doing?!?" Shining Armor called out, "You both can't traverse past the veil of reality and leave the protection of the moon!"

"All hail the moon."

"I've committed!" Sunset retorted as she jumped into the mist.

Sunset screamed in pain as she felt her body slowly get torn apart.

"SUNSET STOP, THIS WILL KILL US!" Diamond screamed.

"I CHOSE THIS PATH IN LIFE, AND I COMMITTED!!!" Sunset screamed.

"WHY?!?"

"IIIIIIIIII'VE!"

"COOOOOOMMIIIIIITTEEEEEEED-"

"And that's how Sunset Shimmer stopped being Celestia's student." Nopony finished.

Scootaloo blinked.

"What."

Like two Babies put next to each other on a Sofa.

"Hey Nopony?"

"Yeah kid?"

"Celestia or Luna?"

"Cadence."

"Cadence, why?"

"She never gives up, no matter how demoralized she becomes. Something Celestia, Luna, and Twilight all have done before."

"Wow, yeah! She was pretty brave at her wedding huh?"

"Yeah Scoots, things would've been a lot scarier if she wasn't there.

...

"Nopony?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever wish you could use magic?"

"Magic's overrated."

"Really?"

"There are a lot of creative and clever things Pegasus and Earth Ponies have made to make up for the lack of it. Also, there's a real good feeling of accomplishment in doing something hard on your own. When you have all the magic in the world, life just becomes dull."

"How would you know that? You don't have magic."

"...I had a friend who told me that once. Take it as you will, kid."

...

"Hey-"

"Yes Scootaloo?"

"W- well... I was wondering where you came from."

"Where I live? Here."

"Oh come on! Where did you come from? Where were you born?"

"I came from Canterlot."

"And?"

"...I was born in the Everfree Forest."

"Really? Wow, I can't imagine that!"

"Yeah, it was a lot nicer back when I was born."

...

"Hey Nopony."

Sigh

"Nopony?"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Last question, I promise."

"Alright."

"How did you get your cutie mark?"

...

"Nopony?"

"Things were really dangerous where I came from."

"I know, the Everfree is super dangerous! But I also think it's kinda fun to explore sometimes..."

...

"I'm sorry, could you finish your story please?"

"There was a really, really bad stallion that hated everypony so much, he wanted to make everything disappear. He hurt a lot of really powerful ponies who kept other ponies like me safe. I grew up without parents or an education really, so I didn't have much self confidence. When I saw all those ponies get hurt, I didn't know what to do."

"What did you do?!?"

"I sat in a corner and cried. At least, until I saw my sister get up and try to fight."

"Oh yeah, her! She's your best friend right?"

"She was, and still is. Back then, she was only a little filly at a time. Standing between an old, long bearded wizard and a stallion who had gone mad with dark magic... When I saw her do that, something just broke inside me."

...

"Did Twilight ever tell you how she got her cutie mark?"

"Yeah! She was taking an exam to get into that fancy schamny unicorn school the princess made. When she couldn't hatch the egg, she totally freaked out."

"She didn't just freak out, she had a magical surge. Luckily, all her magic was directed towards hatching and growing a baby dragon. When I saw my sister in danger, I also had a surge, but..."

"What happened?"

"Imagine Scootaloo, you were full of immense power, and you directed all that power towards making a pony go away by any means necessary. I don't remember the details to be honest, but there was a lot of screaming."

...

"The next thing I remember... The bad pony was gone, my sister was crying in my arms, and I had a cutie mark. The crazy stallion broke out, again, and I had to seal him away, again, but that's a story for another time."

"Wow... what did your cutie mark mean?"

"Well, I didn't really know at the moment, I thought it just meant I had a special connection with light based magic, and I was right. It also meant though that I loved watching over and protecting others."

"Wooooow... that's so cool! You're like a guard pony!"

"Well, not exactly. Besides, with the Princess of Friendship around, it's not like ponies really need me to protect them anyway..."

"I wish I could have a cutie mark like yours."

"Careful what you wish for kid."

So long, and Thanks for all the Nonsense.

Nopony awoke.

"Mmm..." he growled, reaching out for Scootaloo.

After finding his small orange chicken, he wrapped her in a hug and went back to snoozing.

"Hey!" Scootaloo whined.

"Mmm?" Nopony mumbled.

"I was doing something over here, lemme go!"

"Doing something?... Kid, there's a full blown hurricane out there, stay inside the box."

"Yeah, I know! Rainbow's doing her super special secret stunts in the thunder!" Scootaloo squee'd.

"Really." Nopony said in a flat tone as he adjusted himself.

Nopony held a wing over Scootaloo to keep her dry. Of course, he was getting soaked, but his... special constitution made the rain nothing to him. It was still a little annoying, but he could live with that.

"Where is she?" Nopony squinted at the storm.

"Right up there!" Scootaloo pointed. "Wanna borrow my binoculars?"

"Where did you find those?"

"Well, it was a rainy day and I was super hungry, hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. I was grumbling to myself when I found five bits on the ground!"

"...You bought binoculars."

"Rainbow Dash ain't gonna watch herself!"

Nopony sighed, "kid, knowing her, I think she's found a way to do that."

"Shhh! She's starting to do tricks again."

The two quietly sat in the rain together.

"Hey kid, what's your favorite thing to do?" Nopony spoke up.

"Hmm..." Scootaloo scratched her chin, "I don't know! I really love playing around on my scooter, but, I like hanging out with my friends more I think."

"Hey, nothing wrong with that." Nopony smiled.

"Well, getting a new friend recently made life a lot more awesome, you know?"

Nopony chuckled as Scootaloo snuggled in closer to him.

"It's a shame you're such a loser." Scootaloo murmured.

"Woah, what?" Nopony frowned at her. "Where did that come from?"

"Well, I'm your only friend right? Besides your sister!" Scootaloo grinned.

"Yeah, guess you're right kid." Nopony stretched.

Scootaloo watched as Nopony released a powerful, loud yawn. She moved out of the way as he rose to his hooves and trotted out of the box.

"Well kid, it's been real, but I think it's time for me to hit the dusty ol' trail." Nopony said.

"What?" Scootaloo blinked. "H- hey, wait!"

"Hmm?" Nopony turned back.

"Is this because I called you a loser?" Scootaloo started to shake. "I- I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it, please don't leave!"

Nopony sighed.

"Kid... Look, I had to leave today no matter what, okay? You didn't do anything wrong, I just gotta get back to my job now."

"Please don't leave..." Scootaloo whispered.

"Come on kid, don't make this hard."

"Please don't leave your majesty!"

...

"Well..." Nopony wrapped himself in a golden aura. "No point in hiding it huh?"

One second there was Nopony, the next, Celestia.

"Please don't leave me Princess..." Scootaloo squeezed her leg.

"Scootaloo, look at me." A royal voice said gently.

After sniffling a couple more times, Scootaloo shyly peaked up at her.

"Just because I'm not always here, doesn't mean we're not friends."

"That's just a nice way of saying you're leaving and not coming back!"

"Scootaloo..." Celestia frowned.

...

"Scootaloo, it's time for me to go."

Celestia gently picked up her up, and sat her down inside the box.

"We'll meet again. Goodbye, my little-"

"I was right." Scootaloo cut her off.

Celestia stopped, confused.

"You do seem nice at first, and then end up being really disappointing!"

...

Celestia said nothing as she teleported away.

It may be for the Weak, but you should really have one.

Scootaloo shivered. Ponyville's winter was colder than it was last year and she didn't have No-

...She didn't have a blanket to keep her warm. She could tough it out though. She was cool, she's laid back, she could shrug it off like it was no big deal. Stuff like this didn't get to her. She was just like No-

Rainbow Dash, she was just like Rainbow.

"Stupid idiot could have waited till spring..." Scootaloo grumbled.

A bright flash made Scootaloo cover her eyes. Shaking her head, Scootaloo looked around and saw... a note and a key.

1337 Cat Horsie Lane

That sounds like a place all the cool little orange chickens would hang out at.

-Nopony Special.

Frowning, Scootaloo got up and started making her way uptown. She knew the lane since it was close by to where Sweetiebelle lived, but she never been to that street before.

Before her stood a small and modest, but somewhat high class house. Upon knocking nopony answered. Scootaloo glanced at her note one more time, and tried unlocking the front door with the key.

It worked.

Inside was a well furnished house, one that would incline that somepony lived here, yet nopony was in sight.

Nopony wasn't in sight either.

"Hello? Anypony home?" Scootaloo called out.

With nopony answering, Scootaloo decided to wander in. The living room had a lit fireplace with a tray of cookies and milk put on a table. Next to that was another note.

Hey loser, guess who has enough money laying around that I can just buy a house whenever I feel like it?

Go into the hallway on your left and check the room on your right.

-That disappointing princess who has a sun on her butt.

"The hay is she up to?.." Scootaloo scowled as she did what the note said.

The room before her had a name plate, with the letters on it colored bright orange.

SCOOTALOO

"No way..." She whispered.

Opening the door, she found a room any self respecting 12 year old filly would love. The bed in the right back hand corner had a wonderbolt themed blanket and pillows. In the other corner was a tool kit for fixing up scooters. To the left of Scootaloo was a TV and a few of the more recent gaming systems. On her right was a vanity that she was certain she'd never make use of. The walls were painted baby blue with little clouds scattered about.

It was coolest room she'd ever seen.

It was her room.

Scootaloo started to cry.

"Hey kiddo." A voice called out from behind her.

"Nopony?.." She sniffed.

Behind her stood Nopony, but instead of his unkempt usual self, he looked as if he just visited a spa. Scootaloo had just hit puberty, but even she could tell Nopony was a very handsome stallion.

That's not very surprising considering who he really was.

"The fridge will magically get restocked every time you empty it." Nopony looked around the room with casual disinterest. "And by that, I mean somepony or I will sneak in and refill it without you noticing. If you ever need me, the door to the master bedroom leads to my closet door back at the castle. Please don't prank me during court hours. So what do you think of the room?"

"THANK YOU!" Scootaloo tackled him with a hug. "Thank you thank you thank you..."

Nopony smiled. "I told ya we'd meet again, remember?"

"You're a jerk for leaving me like that!" Scootaloo cried.

"Yeah yeah, I know," Nopony hugged her back.

Nopony waited quietly as Scootaloo cried into his stomach.

"Why?" Scootaloo looked up at him.

"Why? Well..." Nopony scratched his chin. "One time there were these two homeless fillies. The younger one stood between Sombra and Starswirl the Bearded when the older one was too scared to move. When all was said and done, the only thing the older one could think of was how proud of her little sister she was. Right then, she realized:

"No matter who I become, I will never lose the passion I have in my heart when I watch my little ponies grow. I don't know who I want to be, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life helping others be the best ponies they can be."

Author's Notes:

This was just gonna be a short little story that I would spread out over the week. Now I'm considering tossing a chapter in whenever one comes to mind. Regardless, this was fun. I really love character central stories and minimalism. So trying to get the most bang for my buck out of two goofy idiots sitting in a cardboard box was both challenging and rewarding.

The idea of Celestia taking the form of a simple pony and screwing with the cast can go so many more places. I might make an indirect sequel using Nopony in some way.

The Amusement Park and the Garbage Dump.

Author's Notes:

All chapters after home is for the weak, but you should really have one takes place on one of the 365 days that wasn't covered in the previous chapters, unless specified otherwise.

"Nopony! Nopony wake up!"

"Mmm?.. Scootaloo, it's 2:00 AM, what's wrong?"

"Nopony, I'm bleeding!"

"Bleeding? Where?"

"Here!"

"Oh, OH. Oh crap, I did NOT want to be here for when this started..."

"What's wrong with me?" Scootaloo sniffed.

"You're uh, you're... Ugh, let's get you cleaned up first..."

"Okay uh, Scootaloo."

"Y- yeah?"

"Your body is... well..."

Nopony closed his eyes.

"Okay, kid, I want you to imagine a town."

"Alright."

"And your body is that town."

"Uh..."

"Your head, is the library, and your mouth, is the radio tower."

"Oh! Okay, I'm getting it."

"And between your legs, is the garbage dump."

"Ew!"

"And for some reason, they decided to build the amusement park on top of the garbage dump."

Scootaloo blinked.

"What."

"Things are gonna get just a little bit confusing from here on out." Nopony gave a sheepish grin.

"Uhh-"

"So, little kids go near the amusement park, and they say 'this is dumb! Why would I go to a place covered in trash?' and all the teenager ponies think it's amazing and they take all their marefriends and coltfriends there with them."

"Why would they want to take their special someponies-"

"Shush, I'm uh, I'm getting there." Nopony averted his eyes. "Okay, so, uh, the pony who takes your money and hands out tickets says it's free to go on the rides as much as you want, and everypony loves it."

"I'm confused, why in the heck would Celestia ever make the body-"

"DON'T YOU BLAME THIS ON M- I mean uh, nopony knows why."

"You do?"

"No! I mean, ugh! Stop interrupting!"

"O- okay..."

"So all the teenagers laaaaugh and plaaaay all day long at the amusement park, and then as they're leaving, the ticket booth pony hands the couple a baby and says no refunds."

Scootaloo blinked, again.

"And that's why you don't go play on the amusement park until you're married! Any questions?"

Scootaloo frowned, deep in thought.

"So..." Scootaloo rubbed her chin with her hoof. "If the amusement park was built on top of the dump, couldn't I sneak in through the dump, play on the park, and sneak back out through the dump without a baby?"

Nopony slowly performed a double facehoof.

"Nopony, are you okay? Nopony?.."

When you think about it, we're all half Centuar.

"Hey Scootaloo."

"Yeah Sweetiebelle?"

"Where's Princess Celestia?"

"Dumpster diving."

"Why is Princess Celestia dumpster diving?" Sweetiebelle scrunched up her nose.

"The same reason she's living with me in a cardboard box." Scootaloo shrugged.

Sweetiebelle blinked.

"Oh hey! Here she comes!"

The two watched as Nopony trotted back with a spring in his step. He was completely covered in garbage.

"Yeah uh..." Sweetiebelle got up. "I'll see you later."

"Bye Sweets."

Sweetiebelle waved goodbye to Scootaloo as Nopony walked by.

"Hey Nopony."

"Hey Sweetie." He nodded towards her. "Yo kid, check out what I found!"

"What?" Scootaloo got up from her spot.

Nopony proudly presented a D20.

"What." Scootaloo frowned.

"Hey, don't give me that look!"

"You went dumpster diving for a stupid die?"

"One pony's trash is another's treasure~" Nopony sang, "besides, these things are really fun!"

"Nopony, it's a dumb little piece of plastic with numbers on it."

"Come on, gimme a chance here."

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Alright, whatever..."

Nopony sat down next to Scootaloo and stared at her very seriously.

"...What?" Scootaloo looked nervous.

Nopony rolled the die.

1

"You have the mental composure of bucket of fried oats put next to a 400 pound pony. Your try to force your eyes shut, but it cannot stop the visions. You realized that cats are a 4th dimensional creature that can move through space and time at will, and we can only see them in the third dimension. That's the reason they never really seem to care about anything ever. It doesn't really change your life, but you're still full of the heebie jeebies. "

Scootaloo stopped to process that.

She failed.

"What." she finally said.

"Rolling for sanity loss." Nopony responded.

1

"You are just absolutely losing it." Nopony said in a theatrical tone "You start running through the town in a panic, screaming about cats and fat ponies. Everypony assumes it's a monster attack and start to collectively soil themselves."

"What."

"Rainbow dashes up to you and asks what's wrong."

"Wait, what?!? U- uhhh, tell her everything's fine!"

20

"Time slows down as you brush your mane out of your face. An explosion goes off in the background behind you, blowing up at least three buildings. Your teeth literally sparkle so hard Twilight is feeling inadequate about her last name. You turn your head towards Rainbow and fix her a cool smile. Rainbow Dash is so blown away, she is literally blown away by the explosion, as is everypony else except you. A forcefield made of your suave looks surrounds you, keeping you completely safe."

"Woah." Scootaloo stared at Nopony in awe. "Roll to trot away like I just don't care."

1

"You land and impale yourself on a skateboard." Nopony said with a straight face.

"Ah! Roll for damage control!"

20

"You are completely unharmed."

"What is with this die?!?"

"In fact, you are at complete peace with the skateboard. You two have practically become one."

"I- I don't know how to feel about that." Scootaloo stuttered.

"Rolling to see how you feel about that!" Nopony grinned.

20

"You have formed a unbreakable bond with the skateboard, its name is Radical Rex."

"What."

"Radical Rex has joined your party!"

...

"What." Scootaloo repeated.

"Radical Rex begs you for help." Nopony continued, "Applebloom has been possessed by the spirit of Nightmare Moon. Only you can save her."

"Wha- ugh, screw it. Alright, go to find Applebloom."

"You find her sitting in a cardboard box with Princess Celestia."

Scootaloo glared at Nopony.

"What?" Nopony rolled around the dice in his hoof.

"Alright, whatever. What's Celestia doing?"

"Snoring in a box, you've never seen her in such a undignified manner."

"I see that crap every day."

"What?"

"Nothing, so what's Applebloom doing?"

"She yells 'You're bloomin' for a doomin' and makes rude gestures."

"Well I tell her she's scootin' for a bootin'!"

"Radical Rex high fives you."

"With... with wha-ahhh nevermind. Attempt to attack Appledoom."

1

"You go to sucker punch her in the stomach, but instead slowly caress it."

"Woah, what?!?"

"Appledoom attacks!"

1

"Appledoom tried to slam down on your back, but instead gently massages it. Both of you are getting incredibly uncomfortable. Radical Rex asks if he should leave."

"No, he can't leave! Tell him to attack!"

1

"Radical Rex shoots you in the back of the head."

...

"With what?!?" Scootaloo screams.

"With his bow, of course, he's multi classing archer and rogue."

"I- Bu- Uh- Ahhhhgh!" Scootaloo's eye started to twitch.

"That was a good session." Nopony smiled.

"What the heck just happened?" Sweetiebelle said.

Both of them looked outside the cardboard box to where Sweetiebelle was.

"How long have you been there?" Nopony frowned.

"The whole time. What was that?" Sweetiebelle frowned in concern. "That was weird, you guys are weird."

Scootaloo's eye was still twitching.

"Is this what you guys do all day?" Sweetie asked.

"Pretty much yeah." Nopony shrugged.

"Ooooookay then... I'm going home."

Nopony watched Sweetie leave as Scootaloo twitched in place for the next ten minutes.

"That was the stupidest game I have ever played," Scootaloo calmly spoke up. "Now hand me that die, I wanna play again."

Pop Quiz

Scootaloo absentmindedly flipped through a children's Royal Pony Coloring Book she found in the trash earlier. The book had nothing but discolored pictures of Celestia and Luna. Occasionally it would have an extremely easy questionnaire in the corner of the page. With nothing more stimulating to do at the moment, she doodled on some of the mostly uncolored pictures and answered the questions.

When day comes to play, Princess Luna makes the ____ go away:

A) Sun

B) Night

C) Princess

D) Candy

Scootaloo frowned. "She did all of these things! Ugh, whatever, next question..."

This one is easy! Does Princess Celestia live in Canterlot, or Ponyville?

"...Next question."

Princess Celestia is my _____

A) Princess

B) Older Sibling

C) Friend

D) Father

Scootaloo broke into a nervous sweat.

Mother's Day

Author's Notes:

This takes place after Scootaloo gets her house.

Scootaloo and Celestia stared at the empty space in front of them while sitting at a table.

Scootaloo slowly got out of her chair and brushed up against Celestia.

Celestia slightly leaned away from it.

Scootaloo leaned in closer towards Celestia until it looked like Celestia was laying on her side and Scootaloo was on top of her.

Celestia stared at the ceiling while Scootaloo huffed.

Scootaloo slowly wrapped her hooves around Celestia, who squirmed in response.

The two sat like that for a couple minutes.

Scootaloo gave Celestia an exasperated look.

Celestia very, very slowly raised a hoof and wrapped it around Scootaloo's shoulder, refusing to look away from the ceiling.

The two sorta hugged for a moment.

Celestia let her hoof go limp and lay there.

Scootaloo sighed and sat back down at the table.

Celestia quietly joined her.

"Was it really that bad?" Scootaloo asked.

Celestia remained quiet.

"Whatever," Scootaloo rolled her eyes, "happy Mother's day Mo-"

Celestia flipped over the table.

Parental Authority

Author's Notes:

This takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

"I'm gonna play some games in my room for a bit." Scootaloo shrugged off her backpack.

"Is your homework finished?" Nopony asked.

"Well no, but it's only a little bit."

"Do your homework first."

"Awww, come on, I just got home! Can't I play around a bit first?"

"Go ask your Mother."

...

"Hey Mom, can I-"

"No."

Making Scootaloo chocolate pudding.

Nopony yawned and peeked out of the box, it was raining. Next to him was Scootaloo shivering. He pulled her in close with his wing.

"What were you doing out in the rain?" He asked.

"I wasn't, I'm sick." Scootaloo sniffed.

"Oh, that's unfortunate."

Nopony got up, and started trotting out into the rain.

"Hey, where are you going?!" Scootaloo yelled.

She watched as he walked out of the alleyway, 5 minutes later, he was still gone.

"Stupid garbage swan..." Scootaloo muttered.

Scootaloo turned over and tried to go back to sleep. Ten minutes later, she felt something lift her up. Nopony laid her head against a pillow and draped a blanket over her.

"So I was going to get you chicken soup." Nopony ruffled through a bag.

Scootaloo glared at him.

"So I did," Nopony said as he put down a can of soup.

Scootaloo stared at the can of chicken soup.

"I hate you."

"That's just the illness talking, I would say it's the hunger talking, but you're always hungry. Anyway, I also got you lentil soup and some cold medicine."

"Is that the kind you dissolve in a glass of water?"

"Yeah."

"Where are you going to get a glass, let alone water right now?"

Nopony looked around him, his eyes stopping on the can of chicken soup, he opened and dumped it out in the alleyway and left it in the rain to fill full of water.

"You're giving me cold medicine in a can of chicken soup?" Scootaloo whined.

"Hey, whatever works."

"Ugh, fine... Alright wise guy, what are you gonna do to heat up the lentil?"

Nopony stared at the lentil soup, and then back at Scootaloo. Without saying a word he grabbed the soup and walked out of the alleyway. Taking his time, he slowly trotted over to Twilight's castle and walked in without knocking. Nopony made his way into the library.

"What the- who are you?" Twilight frowned as a dirty stallion walked past her.

"Hey, I'm gonna borrow these real quick." Nopony started grabbing Twilight's favorite romance novels off her personal shelf.

"What? No! Who are you, why are you here?!"

Nopony set them down on the floor in front of her. He stood up on his hind legs, grabbed his member, and started peeing on her books.

Twilight watched in horror.

"There we go." Nopony shook out what was left. "You can have em back now."

"Wh... ah... aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!"

Nopony watched as Twilight's mane and tail caught on fire. Quickly, he stuck the lentil soup in her mane for a second.

"YOU," She screamed, "HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING YOU MONSTER! I'LL- HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! COME BACK! YOU CAN'T JUST..."

Nopony passed by Spike on his way to the kitchen.

"Hey Spike, Twilight needs you to clean up some books that got peed on in her private library."

"Again?!" Spike threw his arms up in defeat.

Nopony walked into the kitchen and grabbed one of Twilight's bowls, he dumped the piping hot soup into it. When he turned around Twilight stood in the doorway, with her mane still on fire.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" She screamed.

Nopony trotted over to Twilight, swept her off her hooves, and kissed her.

"Twilight... Will you marry me?" Nopony stared deep into her eyes.

"I... buh... wuh..." Twilight stuttered.

Nopony dropped her on the floor, picked up the bowl of lentil with his wings, and trotted out of the kitchen.

Holding the soup close so it wouldn't get rained on, he trotted out of the castle and back to his alleyway. He gave a slight nod of approval when he saw that Scootaloo drank her medicine.

Scootaloo frowned when she saw the bowl of warm soup.

"How did you do that," she asked, "and why is your hoof all burnt up?"

"I took a piss."

...

"Did you pee into this bowl of soup?" Scootaloo accused.

"Maybe." Nopony shrugged.

...

"Just gimme the stupid soup." Scootaloo sighed.

Scootaloo woke up feeling a lot better. She turned her body sideways and snuggled in closer to Nopony. Absentmindedly, she glanced at her pillow.

It had a pillow sheet decorated with chickens.

"Oh come on!"

Dark is probably not evil.

"So is darkness evil?"

"Huh?" Nopony roused from his nap.

"So Princess Luna is the goddess of the night, right?" Scootaloo continued.

"More like god-dense, am I right?"

"..."

"Sorry, go on."

"So she's a nocturnal alicorn." Scootaloo huffed.

"Yes, she is indeed a night owl, or so they say."

"Does that make her the evil alicorn?"

"Of course not, what makes you say that?"

"Well, she did try to bring about eternal night, which would cause everything to freeze over and kill everypony." Scootaloo said with a casual roll of her eyes.

"That is a dark and morbid insight for a young teenage filly to casually state." Nopony responded.

"I made a plan to kill Princess Celestia in a way that would bring Luna to suicidal depression, which involved brutally murdering my best friends."

"Fair enough," Nopony chuckled, "I'm still proud of you for that, in a slightly concerned sort of way."

Scootaloo smiled from the praise.

Nopony cleared his throat, "anyway, no, Luna has dun goofed and almost committed genocide, but she's not evil."

"What the heck is your definition of evil then?"

"Discord used to be very evil, for starters." Nopony said, sounding surprisingly serious for once.

"Did he ever kill anypony?"

"Well, no, but he did cause a lot of mayhem."

"Who else?"

"Tirek, Chrysalis, The Sirens, take your pick."

"Did they ever kill anypony?"

"Of course..." Nopony trailed off, "Huh, actually, I don't think they did. Tirek stole magic, Chrysalis hypnotized ponies, and the Sirens caused internal strife, but nopony was ever killed."

"So, in other words, anything that annoys you is evil."

"Scootaloo, please," Nopony scoffed.

"Well, what is your definition of evil?"

"Those who spread chaos."

"So those who annoy you."

Nopony and Scootaloo stared at each other for a second.

"What was your original point again?" Nopony asked.

"Oh yeah! Is darkness evil? And because darkness is evil, is Luna evil?"

"Well, the idea that darkness is evil is flat out silly Scootaloo."

"We have a forbidden evil magic called Dark Magic."

"That... is a good point, but that doesn't mean-"

"We celebrate a holiday about a spirit coming from the night to gobble us up unless we give it candy."

"Look, I w- Celestia was feeling really bitter over her spat with Luna, and-"

"Celestia, Twilight, and Cadence are the princesses of the Sun, Friendship, and Love. We have three holidays, Summer Sun Celebration, Hearth's Warming Eve, and Hearts and Hooves day, which are all holidays where we spend time loving and appreciating good things in our lives. Luna's is the only one where ponies fear her."

"Are you done yet?"

"Is Twilight Santa Claws?"

"What?"

"Well Twilight is the Princess of Friendship, and Hearth's Warming Eve is a holiday where we remember the importance of friendship. So since that's technically her holiday, would that make her Santa Claws?"

Nopony stopped to think about that.

"Should we tell her that?" Scootaloo asked.

"And have her break into everypony's homes to force educational lectures onto little colts and fillies?" Nopony shot back.

Scootaloo shuddered.

"Anyway, getting back to the point, again, Luna is not evil." Nopony insisted.

"Are you sure?"

"Look, the spirit of harmony provides the lyrics we sing whenever everypony goes crazy and feels the need to do a musical. Can you think of a moment where somepony has sung about darkness being evil?"

Scootaloo stopped to think about that.

"No, not really."

"Well, there ya go." Nopony laid back down to sleep.

Scootaloo shrugged and buried herself under his wing. After getting comfortable, she started drawing on a coloring book she found in the trash.

We're here to let you know~

That we won't let it go~

Our music is a bomb and it's about to blow~!

And you can try to fight~

Be we have got the light of friendship on our side~!

Got the music in our hearts~

We're here to blow this thing apart~

And together~

We will never~

Be afraid of the dark~!

"Geez Sunset, could you think of a different tune?" Rainbow rolled her eyes. "You've been singing that song for the past two days now."

"Sorry Rainbow, it's just that something about that song really bugs me."

Applejack reached over their cafeteria table to put a comforting hand on Sunset's shoulder.

"What's been leaving your behind so sore sugarcube?"

"Well, the spi-"

Sunset stopped to think about what Applejack just said to her, then shook her head.

"Well, the spirit of harmony usually comes and provides lyrics for us when we sing, right?" Sunset asked.

The other six stared at her.

"Right, forgot you girls don't know about that. Well, usually the spirit of harmony provides lyrics if we have none. Fluttershy, was anything I sung with your girls part of your song?"

"No, I just thought we did a really good job ad-libbing. Well, I thought it was good..." Fluttershy trailed off.

"We could have I guess, but it probably was the spirit of harmony. Which kinda concerns me."

"What was wrong with the song? I thought it was super duper awesome!" Pinkie cheered.

"It was awesome, it's just that the song was made from what makes us, well, us."

"So?" Rainbow raised an eyebrow.

"Did any of you girls noticed how often we mentioned blowing stuff up in that song?"

Rarity broke out into a nervous sweat.

Putting in the token effort.

Author's Notes:

Takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

"I still can't see it."

"See what?"

"You as Celestia, I mean, how could you be Celestia?"

"Would you like me to transform back?"

"Oh come on, you know what I mean."

"Scootaloo, I like to relax and play practical jokes on others. I just do what I do because I happened to be the most responsible and concerned pony in the room at the time."

"So you're the princess because nopony else is the princess?"

"Yes."

"I can't really see that."

"So, you wake up one morning."

"Okay."

"Everything's good, everything's fine, you go out and you grab the newspaper."

"I don't read the newspaper, but alright."

"Turns out they discontinued the color brown."

"...What?"

"Color brown, no longer using it. No longer allowed."

"So uh, what about naturally brown stuff?"

"Comes out in shades of gray."

"You know, I could totally see all the rich snobby Canterlot ponies spending a million bits over authentic brown poop. I can see it now, brown wrapper that was thrown off the side of a ship found at the bottom of the sea, they spend a million bits to try and recover it..."

"Dirt stains on clothing is only worn by the highest social class."

"You just want an excuse to look dirty all the time don't you?"

"Worms are hunted to extinction because they eat brown dirt and poop out gray dirt. Farms are destroyed and the planet is ruined because everypony is hording dirt."

"I don't think anypony is that crazy."

"Turns out an undiscovered pony civilization used brown paint for rituals and ceremonies. They're completely killed off out of frustration by the rest of the world."

"What does this have to do with you being Celestia again?"

"Okay, so new scenario."

Sigh

"You wake up, and everypony in Ponyville is like a balloon, where they float off into the air and eventually pop."

"What."

"They float off really slowly, so you could go around town pulling them back down all day if you want. Do you?"

"Well, yeah."

"You wake up the next morning and it's the exact same thing, all slowly floating off, what do you do?"

"Nopony, this is stupid."

"You wake up the next morning and Sweetie Belle and Applebloom are dead."

...

"Back then, the tribes were united but not at peace with each other. They squabbled over the silliest things. I had a way with words though, and I could usually stop anypony from doing something rash. But it was something I had to do everything single day. One day I grew tired of it and said they could work out their own issues. The next day a lot of ponies I knew since they were born were dead."

...

"What did you do?"

"Helped them out until I was too frustrated, and woke up the day after to a lot of dead ponies, again."

...

"Eventually, things calmed down enough that I could go off and have time to myself without everything falling apart."

"What happened then?"

"Discord discontinued the color brown."

...

"I'm sorry."

"Don't sweat it kid, I'm fine."

"...So, I can see why you were the way you were back then, but why are you doing all of... 'this' now?"

"Oh, that's easy. With the addition of a certain purple alicorn, I'm not the most responsible, concerned pony in the room anymore, am I?"

The romance lawyer.

Nopony slowly awoke with a yawn, got up, and looked around him. Scootaloo was staring at something outside the alleyway with a blush on her face.

It was a colt.

"Who's that?" Nopony asked.

"Ah!" Scootaloo flinched. "U- uh, who's who?"

"That colt you wanna make out with."

"I don't want to make out with him!"

"Oh real-"

"I need to make out with him..." Scootaloo sighed.

"Wow," Nopony sounded genuinely surprised, "you really got the vapors for that little air headed pretty boy huh?"

"I just... I just wish we would crash into each other, while I was doing tricks on my scooter."

"Uh huh." Nopony laid back down.

"And he would be covered in sweat from working out all day."

"Are you about to tell me your fantasy for making out with this colt?"

"He would look at me and say, are you alright?" Scootaloo went on, lost in her thoughts.

"Please stop."

"And I'd say back, Are you a wall?"

"What?"

"And he'd be like No, why?"

"What kind of opening line is-"

"Because I'm about to knock you down, climb over, and invade you."

...

"And then-"

"Okay no!" Nopony cut her off. "If you're going to have a weird rape fantasy with this colt, let's at least make it productive."

"Okay first off, in this awesome imaginary scenario, he's consenting." Scootaloo huffed. "Secondly, are you about to try and help me rape somepony?"

"As you just said, it's fine if he consents. Love is a lot like politics, you're in the clear if you don't get caught."

"Should I call the royal guard?"

"So the first thing you do is stalk him all day and don't give him the chance to eat."

"I'm calling the royal guard." Scootaloo tried to get up and leave, only to get pinned under one of Nopony's wings.

"Hush, now it's important he doesn't know you have a hoof in this." Nopony nodded, as if he was conversing with somepony else. "Try to make sure he gets a little rest as possible too."

"I'm getting kind of scared here."

"Then, near the end of the day, you strike up a conversation with him, saying you noticed how tired and hungry he looks, and you happen to have a picnic basket on you."

"Why would I just happen to have a picnic basket on me?" Scootaloo snarked.

"Doesn't matter, he's tired and hungry, you could be Discord himself and he'd throw himself at your hooves." Nopony rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I know where you're going with this!"

"Now, make sure the food has a light amount of aphrodisiac in it."

"What."

"Then he'll be tired, slightly hungry, and aroused. After that, just start kissing him and he'll be too into it and braindead to care. How's that for scoring a makeout session in under one day?"

Scootaloo stared at Nopony.

"You are a monster." She said calmly.

"That's not a no."

"You pretty much made a plan to drug somepony."

"That's still not a no."

"Where can I find a picnic basket?"