Horse People Go Naked
Chapter 136: Chapter 135: A Running Show
Previous Chapter Next Chapter“What was that guy’s deal?” Spike gestured down to the pegasus that had just finished his routine. Like everyone else, he was having quite a time playing critic for the contestants. “He just did three loop-de-loops. Why even bother if that’s all you got?”
Thomas frowned. His default face was what he liked to think of as neutral, but this was definitely a frown. He’d barely even been paying attention to that last guy, but something about Spike’s words got his brain-hamster running.
“And he wasn’t even all that fast,” Fluttershy added. “I mean, not to be mean, I’m sure he did his best, but I think even I could have done that, and I’m the weakest flyer I know.”
Talon nipped at the yellow mare’s ear and gave her a squeeze, likely as punishment for dumping on herself.
Pinkie scrunched her brow. “Didn’t look like his head was in the game, like he was focused on something else. Poor guy. You only get to compete in the Young Flyers Competition once; then, you’re officially an old flyer.”
“Yeah. So sad,” agreed Surprise.
Then Moonlight added, “His heart definitely wasn’t in it. Looked to me like he just wanted to do the bare minimum and get it over with.”
“So I ask again. Why even bother?” Spike reiterated.
Thomas was busy puzzling over this very matter. Something about this situation was familiar, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. The stallion was a plain brown with a dark brown mane and tail, and naked, of course. There weren’t really any other distinguishing features, and his cutie marks were too far away to see properly. Even so, Thomas had to agree with the others’ assessments. “So this competition is a big deal, but the guy was in a hurry to get it over with. And not in the anxious ripping off a bandage way, right?” Others nodded their agreement.
Puzzlement aside, this was actually fun. The experience was reminiscent of going to the movies and judging the previews with friends.
Jet was also inclined to agree, though she kept her mouth shut. Not everypony could be an ace flyer, but there was clearly something more going on. Thomas, if she was reading his body language correctly, was curious but not worried. Unfortunately, this didn’t prove or disprove any connection to his visions of whatever was meant to happen today.
“If this were one of our stories,” Moonlight began, “I think I’d have the guy infiltrate the competition by accident.”
“How so?” asked Talon.
“Well, I think I’d write that the guy is a spy or something. He came here to do a job, lost his way, and got roped into the competition purely by accident. He’s kind of a bumbling doofus. He doesn’t want to cause a scene by just leaving, so he puts on the bare minimum show so he can be dismissed and get back to whatever he’s doing.”
While the others smiled, laughed, and gave their thoughts on Moonlight’s rather impressive spark of creativity, Thomas stared at her in horror. “Oh, fuck.” His tone was more resigned than fretful.
“You say something?”
Jet had heard it, clear as day. She’d also seen the change in his demeanor, and so she leaned forward and whispered in his ear. “You just remembered something, didn’t you?” Her tone was borderline accusatory. Some in the box jumped, having completely forgotten the silent and unmoving mare until just now, but didn’t seem to hear what she’d said. Jet did not feel she was breaching any protocol, but this was something that needed to be said. “You just remembered something about your other job, didn’t you?”
As part of her prep for this assignment, Jet had done her research on Oracles. She’d concluded that those afflicted with the ‘gift’ were very frustrating to work with, something even the Oracles might agree. Visions had a nasty habit of being vague. Be it tea leaves, body signals, dreams, gut feelings, or any of the other forms that visions took, most of the time, they were difficult to decipher. Often premonitions were initially dismissed as nothing, only for the Oracle to pick up on some innocuous clue to show them otherwise. In such cases, when no pony was informed beforehand, it was often a race against time for the Oracle and their guardian to intervene to ensure the best possible future.
And Thomas, the Oracle she’d been charged with watching, seemed to have just spotted such a clue.
Thomas felt his skin chill, and he was suddenly self-conscious about sweating. He was glad that Jet had been so quiet. The thought of the others asking questions made his stomach tie itself in knots. The last thing he needed to compound his growing anxiety was the pressure of others depending on him. He had indeed remembered something. Had he remembered it earlier, he probably would have said nothing, because it was just so unlikely. There wasn’t even any proof that what he was thinking was accurate. Moonlight’s speculation was just that. It merely sounded similar to the scenario he was imagining. But if it was true, if this stallion was who Thomas thought he was, then the implications alone were both wonderful and horrifying in equal measure.
“Perhaps we should see the Princesses?”
Thomas, grateful beyond words for being saved from his own thoughts, smiled at Jet. “Y-yeah. We should, uh, definitely go do that.”
“Is something wrong?” Twilight asked.
“It’s nothing,” Moonlight intercepted. “Just some, um, harem business to take care of.” Having been close enough to hear and understand, she stood and helped Thomas hurry out of the box before the others could inquire further. She did pause to share a look with Talon, followed by a respectful nod. Moonlight trusted the wren to cover for them.
Back in the halls behind the stands, the orange mare asked, “What’s going on?”
“I think I just remembered some…” Thomas paused to look around. The halls were largely barren, save for a few ponies at concessions or in line for the bathroom. None seemed to be listening, but almost all were pegasi. Even if they didn’t mean to, they could eavesdrop. Yet Thomas had a sinking feeling that there wasn’t time to dance around the issue. “We probably need some kind of code word for Oracle business.”
Moonlight straightened her posture to military regulation, going into full guard mode. A million questions ran through her mind at once, most of which seemed like they’d just waste what could be precious time. So she settled for the military standard. “What do you need us to do?”
“Tell the Princesses.”
“Simple enough,” Moonlight acknowledged. Without waiting for permission, she picked up her stallion bridal style and began a brisk walk to the royal box. Wordless, Jet followed close behind. “Anything else you can share?”
“I, um, I’m not a hundred percent on this,” Thomas admitted with some effort. All this fuss was being made over something that could very well turn out to be nothing. “What you said before about the bumbling spy.”
“Yes.”
“Well, I think that you might be right.”
“The stallion is a spy?” Jet asked. “Who is he working for? Do you know his intent?” Another frustrating aspect of Oracles was the probability of false visions. Some predictions were just flat-out wrong. Sometimes an Oracle might mistakenly believe something to be a clue that a vision was coming to fruition, only to find out later that they’d misread the signals. Oracle guards weren’t privy to their charges’ accuracy ratings, told only to treat every prediction as more than likely and act accordingly. A few rare cases even found Oracles lying for attention, which always led to severe punishment. Thomas, Jet had to admit, was wise to assert his uncertainty. If this all turned out to be for nothing, that would likely protect him from any backlash.
“I don’t think he means to hurt anyone,” Thomas assured to the best of his uncertain ability. “I might be wrong, I’m hoping I’m wrong, but if he’s who I think he is, then he probably means to help with some big trouble heading our way.”
Thomas would have elaborated more, when all of a sudden a, pair of ponies came out of nowhere and crashed right into Moonlight. The mare and the other ponies were sent tumbling together, with Thomas along for the ride. The trio rolled along for a way before colliding with something very big, soft, and warm. Thomas, recognizing the texture and having a pretty good idea what they’d just run into, was already preparing a top-tier groan.
The human looked up past the vast hills of fuzzy roundness. With warmth radiating all around him, he looked up across the canvas of gray fur until he met with the pony’s eyes. They were unique eyes, to say the least. Both were yellow, one was looking straight at him, but the other seemed preoccupied off to the left. Her smile was friendly, as warm as the bosom pressed upon and around the diminutive human. Had Thomas not recognized her and what her presence here meant, he’d have probably smiled right back. She just radiated that much warmth.
“Hey, you,” the wall-eyed mare greeted in a voice that could only be described as bubbly. “You alright?”
“You can unhand him at any time,” Jet warned. She was braced for a fight with her hand hovering over where the pommel of a sword might be located. To the naked eye, there was nothing there, but that just proved what a good idea it was to get a high-tier glamour to hide her weapons. She spared only a glance at the pony pile off to the side where her orange companion was still entangled. “Moonlight. You alright?”
“Ugh! Who’s hand is that?”
“Ah! Sorry! My mistake.” More grunts and words of apology followed as the pair attempted to disentangle themselves. “Gah! Hey! No kicking.”
“Then maybe move your face from where I’m trying to step,” Moonlight snapped back. She’d seen her stallion in the arms of a stranger and was in no mood for shenanigans.
“Seriously?” the wall-eyed mare demanded, sounding quite perturbed. “How does this always happen with you?”
“Not by choice,” groused the brown stallion trying to extricate himself from Moonlight. “Yipe! Now look whose being all handsy.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. Just get off me before I get mad.”
Sensing trouble, the wall-eyed mare did the sensible thing and set Thomas down. He stepped back, finding her to be yet another absurdly thicc pegasus mare. Her voluptuous body, as he’d just found out, was both soft and firm enough that she could probably work part-time as a cushion for people jumping out of burning buildings.
Finally free, the brown stallion from before brushed himself off while Moonlight hurried to Thomas’ side. The human kept his eyes on the stallion, who he recognized from before, but no longer had wings. He was mumbling to himself in a distinctly British accent. Short by earth pony standards, he was half a head taller than Moonlight. His cutie mark, much to Thomas’ amazement and horror, was that of an hourglass. Finally, after thoughtlessly wandering over to the gray mare with the scolding gaze, the stallion looked up to see who it was that he’d bumped into. He grinned, chipper as can be, and then said the worst possible thing. The. Worst. Possible. Thing!
“Ah. Thomas and Moonlight. Good to see you again.”
Thomas buried his face in both hands, took a long inhale, and then screamed. He screamed as loud as his muffling hands would allow, all while the cadre of pones watched him in confusion.
It was the wall-eyed mare who first realized what was going on. “Uh, Doc. I don’t think we’ve met yet.”
“Hmm? What are you… Oh. Oh! Oh-oh-oh, yes. I see.” The stallion smacked his forehead. “Ah yes. Terribly sorry about that. Seems things are a bit out of order here.”
“Then put them back in order before things get messy,” Jet growled.
“Ah. So you’re still like this, hmm?” The pony called Doc asked, clearly bemused with Jet’s attitude. “But you’re right. Manners and all that.” He cleared his throat. “Hello there. You may call me the Doctor. And this is my companion,” he motioned to the wall-eyed mare, “Derpy.”
“It’s actually Ditzy Doo,” she corrected.
“But Derpy sounds so much cuter.”
She blushed and averted her gaze. “If you say so.”
“Now then.” The Doctor clapped his hands together. “Just what brings you lot out here?”
Moonlight’s horn was lit, ready for anything. “You.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. Thomas said there was something suspicious about you, so we were going to warn the Princesses.” Moonlight widened her stance and lowered her horn. “Looks like we weren’t fast enough.”
“I can hold them off,” Jet asserted, hand still hovering over her invisible sword as she shuffled forward. “You take Thomas and run.”
Thomas stepped forward, much to the shock of the guards, and positioned himself between them and the new ponies. “These aren’t the bad guys.”
“What are you talking about?” Jet demanded, her frustration evident through her parted lips and gritting teeth. “You said they were spies.”
Thomas shook his head, trying to order his thoughts. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to. Look, these are actually the good guys. They’re here to help.”
“You sure this is the first time we’ve met?” the Doctor whispered to Derpy.
“He’s an Oracle, remember? He knows things before they happen.”
“Oh, yes-yes-yes. Right.” The Doctor cleared his throat and looked down at Thomas. “Probably too late for the psychic paper, I’d wager.”
“Why didn’t you lead with that?” Thomas whined. “That thing’s, like, your most useful tool for problems like these.”
Seeing Thomas motioning to herself and Moonlight, Jet’s mind began to consider some very unpleasant scenarios. ‘Psychic’ was not a pony word. It was a word used by non-ponies to describe unicorn powers, mostly in reference to levitation and mind reading. She’d never heard of psychic paper before, but it sounded like a means for infiltration or manipulation. Thomas, her charge, was familiar with this stranger’s methods and upset with him for not manipulating her from the start. It was hard for her not to assume the worst.
Then there came a rather peculiar sound. It was rumbling, like a growl, but far… wetter? The growl sounded wet, squishy, and even just a bit flatulent.
“Woops,” Derpy said.
“Woops?”
“Forgot about that, didn’t we?” inquired the Doctor as he and his companion started looking around for the source of the noise. Fortunately, the hall had wholly cleared by then, so they were all alone.
“Forgot about what?” Moonlight demanded. “What is th—”
Before she could even finish, the answer spilled out to meet them. The liquid substance oozed out from the vents. A sickly purple, its viscous mass squelched, bubbled, and made all manner of offensive sounds as it spread out. These were not the movements of ordinary spilled liquid. Instead, there was intent, as the material forced itself to move forward towards the group. Another bubble, bigger than all the others, swelled up at the forefront of the mass. But rather than popping, as a proper bubble should, the bubble spun around, took a more solid shape, and blinked. The eye was looking at them, and it was blinking.
“Wh-what is that?” asked Jet. Hand at the ready over her sword, she slowly backed away from the pool of slime presently sliming its way towards them. Moonlight did much the same.
“Immune to swords and other blunt force trauma,” the Doctor informed helpfully. “Video games might say slimes are the weakest monsters, but reality would beg to differ.”
“What about magic?” Moonlight asked, controlling her breathing to keep herself calm. She made sure to hold Thomas directly behind her as the slime pooled itself together into a singular, semi-solid shape. It was twice as tall as any of them in no time and about four times as wide. A second eye appeared alongside the first, staring straight at the group. The corners of its newly formed mouth curled up into a hideous smile. “Can I blast it?”
“Wouldn’t recommend it!” A new stallion was sprinting towards the group, giving the slime a wide berth. He was tan, with a ginger mane, and a surprisingly stoic expression. “Magic works about as well as a chair leg. Please run.” And he whizzed past the group.
“Well, he learns quick,” complimented the Doctor. “I suggest we follow his lead and—”
“Graaa-pfft-plooh!” belched the slime.
“And get out of here.”
Not needing to be told twice, Moonlight threw Thomas over her shoulder and sprinted like her life depended on it, which it kind of did. Jet followed by wing, always maintaining proximity to her charge as they fled.
“You there. Doctor!” Jet shouted. “Who are you, and how do we stop that thing?” It seemed like everypony except her had some idea of what was happening, an error that needed correcting.
“Sorry,” he called over his shoulder. “My life’s history is a bit of a yarn. But as for that thing, we’re calling it a gackamoose.”
“A gacka… what?”
“We’re not married to that name,” Derpy informed tersely.
“Oy! Gackamoose is a great name.”
“The creature feeds on admiration,” the ginger stallion deadpanned. “A competition for ponies to show off is practically a buffet to it. We’ve been gathering up as many of the smaller ones as possible, but it looks like the rest have fused together into a super form.”
“Well, that’s great,” Moonlight snarled. “So, what do we do?”
“How far is the TARDIS?” Thomas asked.
“The what?”
“Pfft-graphel!” was the monster’s nonsense reply, although its tone suggested it was probably mocking them.
“Too far,” answered the ginger unicorn. “Why do you ask?”
“Is there any way to contain it? Like a giant glass jar or something?”
“Doctor, the weather barge.”
“Oh, Derpy, that’s brilliant! I could kiss you.”
“Thing just got bigger all of a sudden!” the ginger unicorn informed. “Please, no compliments.”
“Sorry.”
“Phrasing!” Thomas couldn’t help himself.
“Pleasure to see you again, by the way,” deadpanned the ginger unicorn.
“We’ve never met!” snapped Moonlight.
“Oh, dear. In that case, you should know that my name is Tick-Tock.”
“Anyway,” the Doctor continued. “We saw a weather barge parked just outside the stadium before we came in.”
Then Derpy elaborated. “I heard one of the drivers say it’s on a return trip, so all the containers should be empty. Those things were made to hold heavy thunder clouds, so they should be able to hold that thing, at least, for a while.”
“Sounds like the beginnings of a plan,” Tick-Tock assessed. “Hmm, if I could get ahold of one of the hoses used to expel the clouds, I could reverse the polarity and—”
The Doctor snorted a laugh. “Polarity.” And he snorted again, having far more fun than was appropriate when running from a terrifying slime monster.
“… and crank up the suction to work on the slime monster.”
“Gackamoose!”
“Agree to disagree.”
“Grahahaha!”
“And now it’s laughing at us,” Jet grumbled.
“Here. Try these.” Tick-Tock threw back several bottles for the others to catch. “They’re self-sealing bottles. Just throw them at the creature, and we can whittle away its mass. They won’t stop it, but they might slow it down.”
Holding multiple bottles in her magic, Moonlight decided to be the first to test the veracity of this stallion’s bold claim and threw one. Just as he’d described, the bottle filled up with as much of the monster’s gooey mass as possible before corking itself closed. The bottle was left behind while the monster continued its pursuit. “At least that’s something,” she relented.
Even from where they were, the group heard an especially loud uproar from the stadium. Something really amazing must have happened. That something must also have been very admirable, because it caused the filled bottle to crack until the monster segment inside burst out like the goo of an unfertilized egg. The main creature, it goes without saying, also grew.
“Never mind.”
“Oh, well. They can’t all be winners,” deadpanned Tick-Tock.
“What about negativity?” Thomas asked. He was straining his brain trying to remember this thing. What was it? How did they fight it? “It feeds on compliments, so what if we’re all just, like, really shitty to each other?” He actually hated this idea, but he was desperate to think of something. The monster was closing in and getting bigger by the second.
“Sound logic,” the Doctor acknowledged, “but I’m afraid not. Negativity is just what’s left after it’s done feeding but otherwise doesn’t affect the gackamoose. That’s why we’re running, so we’re not reduced to a bunch of nasty ponies too busy being insulting to be productive. In summation: good idea, but no.”
“There’s the barge!” Derpy pointed out ahead of them. “Now what?”
“You guys keep it distracted. I’ll see what I can do.” Tick-Tock split off from the group and ran towards the barge.
Thomas was scowling at the monster’s hideous smile. He hated it. Not just the monster, but this whole situation. He hated being helpless, being thrown over a mare’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes too useless for anything else. None of this was meant to happen. This was just supposed to be a nice, quiet day of touring a new city and watching a show where every safety precaution was being taken. Wait… “Guards! Where are all the guards?”
“Guarding the Princesses,” Jet said as though it were obvious.
“No. The extra guards in case Rainbow doesn’t catch Rarity after her wings melt.”
Everyone just stared blankly at the human, no one having any idea what he meant. Jet scratched the inside of her ear with an odd vigor, but didn’t seem satisfied with the result.
“Rarity’s wings melt, and Rainbow catches her. There’re supposed to be extra guards in case she doesn’t.”
Was that his prediction? Jet thought, wondering if there might have been more. Granted, the potential death of one of the nation’s heroes was a significant concern, but it seemed like there were easier ways to address the issue, such as banning Rarity from the show, to begin with. Could it be that Rarity had to be in danger and Rainbow had to be the one to save her? All questions for later.
“Derpy,” Jet barked. “Somepony needs to alert the guards to the new threat, and we can’t lead this thing into a crowded stadium. You have to go.”
“Why me?”
“Because Thomas is an Oracle and might remember something, I can’t leave his side, Moonlight won’t, and I don’t trust this ‘Doctor’ out of my sight.”
“Those are some fine arguments,” the Doctor allowed and looked to Derpy with a rather unsettling grin. “But I’ve got a better idea.”
The wall-eyed mare furrowed her brow. “What are you…” Then she caught him glancing down. “What!? Oh, no. No-no-no-no-no! We are not doing that again.”
“Why not? It’s worked so far.”
“It’s a GOO monster, Doctor! It’ll get in… places.”
“If you have the means to fight, then fight,” Jet ordered.
“Ugh! Fine.” Too emotionally exhausted to argue, Derpy came to a sudden stop, nearly causing Moonlight to collide with her. She then squatted low, sticking her butt out and looking over her shoulder as if to take aim. “You owe me for this!”
The Doctor also came to a skidding halt and turned around. Not only was it bad form to leave his companions behind, but he was rather curious if his absurd plan would even work.
Against their better judgment, the other mares followed the Doctor’s lead, their instincts recognizing him as the authority on the matter. However, they did make sure to position him between themselves and the hideous goo monster.
With all her might, Derpy launched herself backward, butt first. The gackamoose continued to grin its terrible grin, seeing no reason to adjust its speed or otherwise alter its movements, for it perceived no threat. It merely pressed on, ready to take the mare’s hit, feed off of her positivity, and then move on. It was only at the last possible second, as the twin orbs of her tremendous rump were mere inches from its face, that the monstrosity sensed that something was off. A strange magic radiated from those soft and supple cheeks, the likes of which the abomination had never before encountered. An eye blink later, and the gackamoose’s ‘head’ was sheered clean off, much to its apparent shock. The severed segment flew off and landed with a sickening, squelchy splat, while the main body coasted to a stop.
Derpy, much to her own surprise, managed to spin in midair, slowing her momentum. She then straightened, wings outstretched. With the grace of an angel, or a Princess, she gently fluttered down to the ground. Blinking, taking in what just happened, the biggest, happiest grin stretched across her face. “It worked? It worked!” And just as quickly as it appeared, the grin fell to despair when the mare looked down and saw the icky goo clinging to her backside. She felt it, too. “Ewwww, it worked!”
“Graaa-pfft-aaaa,” moaned the gackamoose in what might have been pain. Its two segments were losing cohesion, flattening, and pooling out. “Whaaaa?”
The Doctor snapped his fingers. “Yes! I knew it would work.”
“What would work?” Jet demanded, gob-smacked at what she beheld.
“I have observed the presence of a type of probability field around Miss Derpy’s, well, buttocks. Anything her rump collides with tends to go haywire. One time when entering the TARDIS, the door hit her rear with such force that it sent her flying right into the controls. The old girl was sent into a spin, and – get this – we actually crashed into another TARDIS! How wild is that?” He asked with an excited smile that merely baffled those around him, but he didn’t seem to care.
“And what’s more? I’m pretty sure the other TARDIS was mine. That’s right. I had a hit-and-run with myself. I may not fully understand it, but Derpy’s plot has the power to grapple with the very concept of impossibility, and twist it into a submission hold.” The bafflement of the others persisted. Truly it was a shame how he was the only one who could appreciate the wonder of such incidents.
“And now I’ve got goo in my crack!” informed the gray mare. She was currently busy with the exceedingly important task of digging the goo out of various crevices. The stuff was disgusting beyond measure, and the thought that it might be semi-intelligent – at least enough to be willfully malicious – only made her dig with greater vigor. “When this is over, I’m taking a boiling bath for the next week!”
Moonlight empathized with the mare’s plight, having endured a similar humiliation in the past. If any substance could be said to be evil by its nature, slime would definitely be on the list. But beyond that, they were still in the middle of a crisis. The gackamoose was no longer dissolving. In fact, it seemed to be regaining its shape, and did not look pleased with them. “Reforming. It’s looking at us, and it’s reforming!”
“Looking?” Thomas muttered. Spying some of the bottles that Moonlight still held, he was stricken by an idea. “Eyes!”
“What?”
Thomas was in too great a hurry to explain. A thing needed doing, so he pushed himself out of Moonlight’s grip and grabbed one of the bottles. She asked again, but he ignored her. Instead, he ran over to the gackamoose’s head segment, closing the distance by half, took aim, and hurled the bottle right at the thing’s eye. As if it knew its thrower’s plan, the bottle almost appeared to suck the sickly yellow orb through its opening with a wet pop. Little else of the monster’s mass was taken into the bottle, so it would be a bit before it could grow enough to break free. It hit the floor with a clink some ways away, the yellow orb inside blinking in furious disbelief at what had just happened.
“Pfft-fuuu-blurp-yuuu!”
“The eyes!” Thomas shouted. “It has eyes, so it must need them to see.”
“Brilliant,” the Doctor complimented. He just couldn’t help himself.
“Now there’s an idea I can get behind.” Jet finally drew her sword into the open, breaking the glamour. She took wing and flew up just above where the remaining eye was, and quickly stabbed down. It split open like an egg as gooey purple yolk spilled out. The gackamoose screamed, but she retracted her sword before the amorphous slime could grab hold.
Filled with confidence in their strategy, the group took up positions around the putrid menace. Moonlight distributed the remaining bottles to the others and opted for an experimental attack. Her shield had always been effective as a bludgeon. As her signature spell, its every contour was practically tattooed onto her brain. She’d never had much need to modify it until now. She began with the size, calculating the energy needed to summon the same shield at 1/20 its standard. Sharpening the edges was trickier but still manageable.
With the prep work complete, Moonlight had conjured a shield the size of a drink coaster. She took aim, gave her baby a spin for good measure, and sent it flying towards the larger mass where a new eye had just blinked into existence, only to be sliced in half. The larger segment screamed. And though its voice was gurgly, she was pretty sure that it had just cursed at her. She was fine with this. Pissing off the enemy meant that she was doing her job as a soldier.
And so they fought. The admiration from the stadium meant that the monster was constantly growing, but focusing their attacks on the apparently vital eyes proved to be exceedingly effective. The non-combatants threw the bottles, which seemed always to hit their marks, taking only the eyes and little else. The combatants did what they did best, slicing and smashing to keep the creature perpetually off-balance. But it never stopped growing. And depending on the thing’s intelligence, this plan would only last for so long before it came up with a counter, but they knew that. This was just a diversion; a means to keep the gackamoose busy until Tick-Tock finished his fiddling. Then they’d not only have the means to hold the monstrous monstrosity, but also a way to send it far from its food source until they could come up with a more long-term plan.
Thomas imagined that the Doctor would find a planet without sapient life, somewhere with an ecosystem that could assimilate the creature into the circle of life or something. The Doctor tended to do that sort of thing. Except, thinking on it, this wasn’t actually the Doctor, but rather a Doctor. If Thomas recalled, this was a Doctor actually willing to use violence as Plan A. He wasn’t willing to wait, trusting in luck to keep himself and his companions safe until they were backed into a corner. This was a Doctor willing to face down his enemies, and actually feel satisfied if he didn’t let them walk away.
“Staaa-pfft-p!”
And they did, not expecting such a command.
“Did that thing just talk?” asked Moonlight.
“Lots of monsters talk,” informed Jet, not wanting anypony distracted by misplaced sympathies. “Don’t forget it attacked us.”
“Hold on then.” The Doctor stepped forward. “If you have the ability to speak, then I’ll hear what you have to say. What do you want?”
“Grrr. You filthy meaty – blurrrp – things.”
“Filthy!?” Derpy was aghast and turned around for all to see her once luscious rump now caked in drying purple goo. “You’re one to talk, Mr. Slimy Face.”
“Grahahaha-gruuup-haa. Fools. You can’t stop me. I… I will continue to grow.” As the gackamoose spoke, it did just that. The two segments swelled until they finally reconnected. Finally getting a chance to breathe, the two eyes became six, and then twelve, and soon it became too difficult to keep track. “I will drown this entire planet with my-gah!” It winced. “Hey, you. I was talking, here!”
Thomas looked to where the thrown bottle had landed. The severed eye inside blinking furiously. He shrugged. “Evil villain monologue.” He held his last bottle close, staring down the awful creature. “I’ve heard them all before.”
“What? How could, pfft, you possibly—”
“Got anything new?” Thomas cut it off. “Anything that a hundred other bad guys haven’t already said?”
The gackamoose hesitated, suddenly looking more thoughtful than angry.
The Doctor was the first to catch on and gave an exasperated sigh. “You know he’s right. I’ve faced down so many monologuing bad guys that it’s not even fun anymore.”
“Wait, serious-uurp-ly? You, pfft, too?”
Derpy caught the look the Doctor sent her way and made an o-face. “Er, yeah. The world will be mine.” She deepened her voice and held up a triumphant fist. “You will bow before me. Mwahahaha!” Then she switched back to her regular voice. “I haven’t even been on that many adventures, and I’m already bored of it.”
The gackamoose, with its dozens of eyes, stared at the hecklers with what appeared to be genuine hurt. “Gruuup. That’s not, pfft, fair. I only just woke up after centuries of imprisonment. How, uuurp, am I supposed to know, brrrup, about other bad guys?”
Moonlight stole a glance at Tick-Tock. He was still working and needed time. “Did you try any reconnaissance? Like… anything? The world’s changed a lot in just the last hundred years. How could you be certain ponies wouldn’t already have a foolproof plan to eradicate monsters like you?”
The gackamoose’s slimy clump of a body sagged. “I, shooopt, guess things have changed a, pfft, bit. But that doesn’t matter.” It was starting to rebuild its confidence. “Ponies are still ponies. Brrrup. You’re still sacks of bone and flesh, pfft, driven on emotions for me to feed on. That much hasn’t, schluuurp, changed.” It swelled to triple its original size. “And now that I’m free, I can once again—”
“Use one-liners so old they’re on life support? Yeah, real original, pal.”
The Doctor stared at Derpy, his brow halfway up his forehead. “Nice one.”
“Thanks.”
The gackamoose grew another half-inch, but it was offset by more slouching.
“I know where you’re coming from,” Thomas offered. “I’m an aspiring writer, and it can get pretty discouraging when you realize that the market’s already flooded with just about every good idea there is. But that’s what ya gotta do. Ya gotta be original, come up with something that makes your work stand out, makes you stand out, so there’s a lasting impression.”
The gackamoose gave a sniffle, which still managed to sound offensively flatulent. “Uuuuurp, how?”
Jet saw Moonlight motioning her. She’d figured out what they were doing, stupid as it was. The gray mare having an impossible plot seemed more believable than what was happening right now. She scratched the inside of her ear, swearing that she could hear stifled laughter in the background, and gave a relenting moan. Stupid or not, this plan was working, and she was honor-bound to do her part. “Let’s start with what you already have. Who are you? Where do you come from? What skills make you unique?”
If she had to play along, then she could at least be smart about it.
“Pfft. Well, I’m, grrrp, the Smooze, and—”
“The Smooze!” Thomas exclaimed, elevating the monster’s mood.
“You-pfft-ve heard of me?”
“Well, yeah, actually. You’re kind of a classic villain, at least as far as ponies go.”
Jet had heard of the Smooze as well. It was a living disaster that had swept across the early pony settlements following the Exodus. Details on the abomination were hardly classified, but neither were they all that common. Even living in Canterlot Castle, it seemed unlikely that Thomas would have simply stumbled upon such knowledge. Was this more of his Oracle knowing?
The Smooze rippled, and its ‘lips’ curled into a smile that could curdle milk.
“Ah, pooh.”
“Doctor?”
“Gackamoose was a way cooler name,” whined the stallion old beyond his years.
“Not really. The Smooze actually came with its own theme song.”
“Theme song? I have a, quescch, theme song?”
“Oh, yeah. Definitely.” Thomas cleared his throat. “‘Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh. Something bad is coming down. Have you heard the news? Duck inside. Run and hide. Nothing can stop… the Smooze.’”
“That… was surprisingly catchy,” acknowledged Moonlight. “Is there more?”
“Heeey. A, quescch, theme song. Maybe that’s, pfft, what I need.”
“Definitely the most memorable part of a lot of villains. Most of the time, the bad guys just use singing to exposit their evil plans.” Thomas glanced at Moonlight, who motioned him to keep going. “But the Smooze song is all about how you’re this unstoppable thing. ‘Any-one who tries to fight, is guaranteed to loooose.’ The song has kind of this friendly, not really threatening melody, but the lyrics paint this very different picture. The Smooze isn’t a bad guy. It’s a force of nature.”
“Ooh-oh. I, grrrp, like that.”
Then Jet remembered something important. “I, uh, don’t think we should talk about a song anymore.”
“What? Why?” asked the Doctor. “Songs are fun.” His stating the obvious earned him a death glare from the winged mare.
“I just think there are bigger, more important things to focus on.” Like the war-loving human not giving the monsters functional advice to improve itself. “There’s your origin, for one. Where did you come from?”
“Well, I was, pfft. Hey, wait a, grup, minute. You’re trying to, quescch, distract me, aren’t you!” A tense silence befell the odd group. “You are! You’re just, pfft, trying to, gwaaaw, make me lose focus on my goals.”
“Which is what?” The Doctor added hurriedly. “Taking over the world?”
“Yesth.”
“And then what?”
“I want to know that, too,” agreed Thomas. “You spread everywhere, cover everything in gunk, and then what? What do you do after you win?”
“Graaah!” roared the abomination. “E-pfft-nough. I’m going to—”
“Sorry for the delay,” Tick-Tock said. He’d run up and set the end of the hose pointed at the monster. “I’d actually finished a little bit ago, but your banter was too entertaining,” he deadpanned. “I was curious where you were going, but now it’s time to end this.” He flipped the switch, and the vacuum roared to life.
“Hey. Hey! What are, quescch, you doing?”
Face free of expression, Tick-Tock felt a spark of creativity that, for once, had nothing to do with inventing. “Cleaning up the mess.”
“Excellent one-liner, my ginger-corn.”
Jet screamed, her patience pushed to the limit. “Would you please stop complimenting everypony?”
“Sorry.”
“Raaah-pfft-aaaa!” the Smooze cried out as the force of the suction seemed to encircle it. Being magical in nature, the machine had the barest sliver of what might be considered consciousness. As with the self-sealing bottles, it had an understanding of its function and a desire to perform that function to the best of its ability. As such, the great sucking power of the vacuum was focused exclusively on the globby goo, with little attention paid to surrounding debris. The Smooze lacked the strength to slink away, and every second saw more and more goopy globules lost into the hose’s gluttonous maw. Still, it held on, digging its gooey limbs into the cloud floor.
And then Thomas threw his last bottle, catching a couple more eyes.
“Ow!” Despite the present danger, the Smoozed turned its full attention onto Thomas. “Oh, you little-ffft, uh oh!” That moment of distraction was the last straw. The Smooze lost its grip and was sucked fully through the hose and into the giant container. In mere seconds, it had completely disappeared. But it wasn’t over yet.
“Get the bottles!” Moonlight ordered. “We can’t let any of them break free and escape.”
And so the rest of the group hurried around the immediate area, picking up bottles and haphazardly tossing them into the vacuum. Moonlight even sprinted back to pick up the first bottle she’d thrown. When all was said and done, Tick-Tock switched off the vacuum and opened part of the weather barge’s outer shielding, allowing them to see inside.
The Smooze was mad. It was screaming, farting, and making screams that sounded like a bad case of the runs as it hurled itself at the container’s walls in a desperate bid to escape.
“That should hold it for a while,” reasoned Tick-Tock.
“Good. I’ll see if there’s somewhere we can drop it off that won’t cause any harm.”
“Ick! It’s even grosser when it dries.” Apparently, Derpy felt that the state of her gooey butt was important enough to share. “Ugh. And it’s sticking to my fur, too. Now I’m gonna have bald spots if I rip it off.”
“Unfortunate,” Tick-Tock offered.
Moonlight was bent over, bracing her hands on her knees as she panted. “I’m just glad this ordeal is over.” She looked around to the others. “It is over, isn’t it?”
“Essentially,” Tick-Tock affirmed. “I’ll still need to hotwire the engine to—”
*PWOW*
“Did you hear that?”
“Sounds like an explosion.” Jet readied her sword once more and surveyed the area. “Distant, but powerful.”
The Doctor hummed thoughtfully. “Sounds like a pegasus divebombing at supersonic speeds.”
“Oddly specific, but my horn is tingling,” Moonlight said, pointing at her flickering horn.
“Same,” Tick-Tock agreed. “I believe we’re about to be hit by a powerful wave of magic.”
Just as he’d finished speaking, the world around them came alive with lights. It was like God had placed some kind of rainbow filter over the sun, causing lights of every color to dance. It was pretty, if a little disorienting. None liked it less than the Smooze, which gave a shrieking, wet, and squelchy scream. It quickly became evident that this last scream was a death cry as the awful, revolting, yet oddly weak-hearted monster began to shrink. It shrunk, and it shrunk, its blubbering voice growing ever higher in pitch, until finally, it had ceased to be.
Jet stepped forward for a better look. “It’s… gone?”
“Rainbow energy, my still angry friend,” the Doctor explained. “Only thing that can hurt the gacka-er, Smooze. Ugh. The whole reason we’d come here in the first place was that I’d detected a substantial quantity of rainbow energy, enough to defeat the, eh, Smooze for good.” He looked pretty pleased with himself.
“Rainbow?” Moonlight repeated. Looking thoughtful, she turned to face Thomas. “Rainbow Dash saved Rarity?” Her real question was clear.
Jet caught on next. “I read about this. Years ago, a filly got her cutie mark after performing a feat of speed not seen in centuries. The world’s seventh Sonic Rainboom.” She was in awe, barely able to believe her own words. She turned bodily to Thomas, her stare intense, demanding that he deny what she was thinking. It was just too absurd to be true.
Thomas stared between the two slack-jawed guardsmares. He couldn’t help but laugh when he said, “Yeah. The pony with ‘rainbow’ in her name managed to make rainbows.”
Jet felt star-struck. She barely paid any attention to the uproarious laughter in her ear. Moonlight, as a native and reasonably well-schooled in history, was little better. Both understood the significance of the event that just transpired.
“There are seven Sonic Rainbooms?” Tick-Tock asked. “Well, I suppose it’s up to eight, now. In my time, we were only up to five.”
Moonlight found her voice. “Your… time?”
“Oh, yeah. Did we forget to mention that?” asked Derpy. “The Doctor is a Time Lord. He goes on adventures through time and space, and he takes us along for the ride,” she added proudly, still peeling dried gunk from her plot.
“But… but time travel is impossible.”
Thomas walked over and placed a sympathetic hand on Moonlight’s arm. “Time Lord,” he reiterated. “He’s an alien who does his own thing.”
“Alien?” Jet finally snapped free of her stupor. “Another alien?”
The Doctor nodded.
“So now we’ve got two aliens from other worlds running around?”
“Well, fifteen,” he corrected. “Well, technically, sixteen and a half, depending on the time of day. It’s all pretty relative, to be honest.”
Jet looked in no mood. “No more riddles, alien,” she spat. “I’m placing you under arrest.”
“What?” gasped Derpy. “Why?”
“Let me see here. Reckless negligence for leading a monster into a crowded area.”
Derpy winced.
“Illegal tampering with state equipment.”
“My modifications were necessary to contain the creature,” Tick-Tock argued.
“I’m still unclear on what psychic paper is, but it sounds like the sort of thing ripe for abuse.”
“That’s fair,” Tick-Tock allowed.
“Since time travel is impossible, I’m going to assume that you’re breaking the laws of reality to do… whatever it is you do.”
“Now that’s just being petty,” Derpy huffed.
“And probably a lot more, but I think I’ll finish off with entering the country illegally, alien.”
Derpy pursed her lips in morbid contemplation. “I think she’s got us, Doctor. What are we supposed to do?” No answer came. “Doctor? Uh, Doctor?”
The Doctor was ignoring her, too busy muttering under his breath. “Alpha Charlie? No. Maybe… maybe Cancer? Canter?” He was hurriedly snapping his fingers as if doing so might help jog his memory.
“What are you babbling about, now?” Jet had half a mind to just lunge sword first and accept whatever consequences came.
“Ah! I remember now.” The Doctor cleared his throat, looking quite pleased with himself as he offered his defense. “Alpha, Horse, Luna, Canter, Terra.”
Jet had had enough. “Okay, that’s it. One more word out of you, and I’ll add resisting arrest to your—”
“Stand down, Corporal.”
Jet blinked, mindful of giving no reaction to the voice in her ear. “I beg your pardon?”
“Alpha, Horse, Luna, Canter, Terra.”
“You heard him, Corporal. Stand down. He’s one of ours.”
Jet wanted to scream, to rail against the absurdity of everything, of every ridiculous thing that had happened in the last few minutes, but she didn’t. She was a professional, so she held it in. It’d come out later when she gave her report, which she had every intention of doing while the jackass in her ear was at his desk with no way to escape. “Understood.” Seething, she relaxed her stance and sheathed her sword. “It seems,” she heaved a tired breath, “that you are free to go.”
“Don’t worry,” Derpy assured. “It gets better. I promise. You just have to learn to start trusting others more.”
Moonlight wanted clarification. “You’re saying that as a time traveler, right?”
Derpy giggled nervously. “Hehe. Well, um, yes, kind of. I can’t say more, though. Don’t want to disrupt the time stream and all that.”
The Doctor nodded his approval. “But what we can say is that this won’t be the last time we meet.”
And then Derpy had another thought. “Oh, wait. Can I, uh,” she gestured at Thomas, “say that one thing?”
“Hmm? Oh, yes. Definitely. That should be fine.”
“A message from the future?” Thomas asked warily, his lifetime of media consumption already causing his imagination to run rampant with worse case scenarios. “Oh, crap. How bad is it?”
Derpy gave a short but bubbly giggle. “It’s actually really good.” She closed the distance between them, knelt down on one knee, and pulled him into a hug. “Just remember that your friends love you, okay. No matter how bad things might get, no matter what others might say, that will always be true.”
Despite his aversion to being touched by strangers, Thomas felt oddly relaxed in the mare’s embrace. It was like he could feel the sincerity radiating off of her. Still, the human stared inquisitively back at the warm mare, studying her to better understand this effect she had. Then she let him go.
“Remember what I said, okay.” Then she turned to Moonlight and gave a small nod. “The same goes for you. You’ve got so many wonderful friends just waiting to help. Just make sure that he,” she gestured, “never forgets.”
After a second’s consideration, Moonlight nodded back. “Alright.” She didn’t fully understand, but felt the importance of the words and took them to heart. “I’ll do that.”
Jet stared between the self-professed time travelers, almost daring them to say something that might shake her resolve. Then Tick-Tock caught her eye.
“Based on my observations, your contribution was more significant than you might believe.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“During initial testing of the smaller segments of the Smooze, it appears that its feeding process was not purely passive. It had to devote a considerable amount of conscious effort into absorbing ambient energy from its surroundings,” explained the ginger unicorn in his trademark deadpan. “Chasing us was one thing, but having to fend off your attacks cut its focus by a significant degree. Although the Sonic Rainboom would have weakened it no matter what, had you not been here, the Smooze may very well have grown large enough to survive the shockwave. Thanks to you,” his gaze swept over the guardsmares and man, “that monster will never hurt anypony again.”
Jet blinked, not expecting such compassion from such an emotionless stallion. Unable to find the words, she simply nodded back.
Thomas also took heart at this revelation, allowing himself a small smile. The very existence of the Doctor was still a cause for worry. However, the thought that he’d actually made a difference made the human feel fifty lbs. lighter. A dreadful monster had just been erased, thanks in part to his heckling. I… helped.
“Well, I think that about wraps things up here,” the Doctor offered. “Anyone else have any final words to share?”
Moonlight’s thoughts were racing a million miles an hour. She was still riding the adrenaline hi from the fight, and there were so many questions to be asked, mostly regarding time travel. Alas, she already had the feeling that she’d never get any straight answers. She’d read enough science fiction to know that time travel was complicated, to say the least. Derpy had already given them a cryptic warning, which was probably the best she could hope for. There definitely wouldn’t be any revelations around the secrets behind time travel. Yet, she still felt that she’d regret it if she let these three go without some final words.
“Thank you!” she blurted. “Thank you for… for helping.”
The Doctor smiled back. “It was my pleasure. And now, if there’s nothing else, I think it’s high time I go say hello to an old friend.” And he turned his back, never saying a proper ‘goodbye’ as his companions waved and followed after him.
It was a few seconds after the time-traveling trio had disappeared behind the corner that Jet spoke up. “That’s the way to the Princesses’ box.”
Moonlight stared with equal concern. “Not necessarily. I mean, there could be all kinds of things down—”
“We should return to our box,” Jet cut her off. She took her position behind Thomas, patted her sheathed sword, and motioned for him to start moving. “We’ve already lingered too long.”
Thomas and Moonlight shared a look. “You alright?”
Jet didn’t answer right away. Instead, she took a second to listen to the voice in her ear and then relayed the message. “I suppose I ought to be. As that unicorn, Tick-Tock said, we made a difference. We helped finish off one of pony kind’s ancient enemies.” She sounded more upbeat as she spoke. “We’ll have to file reports to our superiors, of course.”
Beaming, Moonlight nodded back. “Of course.” And she looked at Thomas. “This is going to be quite the story to—”
“Let’s wait and see before we go blabbing,” Jet cut in. “It might cause a panic if word gets out of a monster attacking what is supposed to be one of the most secure locations in the country. We’ll wait for approval from our superiors, just in case this incident ends up classified.”
Though disappointed, Moonlight nodded again. There were already lots of secrets around Thomas. One more couldn’t hurt. “Fair enough.”
“That said,” Jet trailed off as her gaze fell upon Thomas, “is there anything else pertinent to our immediate situation?”
Thomas pursed his lips, lowered his eyes, and thought. “No. No, I don’t think so. The Doctor walking off usually means the end of the specific adventure.” Without saying a word, Jet seemed to be urging him to go on. “I’ll tell Luna what I can so she’ll have an idea of what to look for. But knowing the Doctor, well, he’s kind of unpredictable and a magnet for trouble.”
As aliens seem to be, Jet thought while giving a satisfied nod. “Then I suppose we’re done here.”
***
Back at the box, the collection of friends practically mobbed the missing trio, bombarding them with questions of where they’d been, what they’d done, did they go to the bathroom, and if they saw Rainbow Dash’s spectacular feat of heroism. Jet’s catch-all response was ‘Oracle business,’ which quieted everyone down quickly enough… for a few seconds. Pinkie and Fluttershy simply refused to stay silent as they gushed over Rainbow’s deeds.
Thomas, seeking escape, motioned for Twilight to come with him off to the side.
“What’s up? I thought this was Oracle business. Pretty sure I’m not privy to that kind of stuff unless absolutely necessary.”
“Well, kind of. You’re pretty much the best researcher I know. It’s practically your hobby.” Twilight almost glowed with pride at Thomas’ remarks. “You ponies seem to like your secrets, so there probably won’t be anything. But, next time you’re reading through some old history book, could you try keeping an eye out for a blue box?”
“Blue box?”
He nodded. “It’ll probably have ‘Police Phone Box’ written on the top, probably popping up around times when trouble starts brewing.”
Looking serious, Twilight nodded. “I’ll see what I can do. Was there anything more specific you’d like me to look for?”
Jet’s left ear was fixed firmly on the pair’s discussion. She was certain that the other pony listening would be carrying out similar research.
Thomas shook his head. “I don’t really know. It all happens in the past, so I’m not sure how much of it will affect us now. Just… just anything you think might be important. Patterns and stuff.”
Twilight nodded again, more visibly excited to receive an assignment that involved research. “I’ll do what I can.”
***
Later, after the crowds had dispersed and the groups of friends split, Thomas and company were allowed to make the return trip in Luna’s carriage. Silver, chugging a bottle of ice water, collapsed onto Surprise like she was a comfy couch after a long day’s work. She was utterly exhausted, her limbs twitching now and then, and a goofy-looking grin ever present on her face. The others smiled with morbid amusement, imagining what Luna had put her through, and uncertain if they should feel lucky or grateful for missing out.
Meanwhile, the Princess of the Night had pulled both Thomas and Moonlight into a fierce, nearly smothering embrace. “Thou art okay, yes?” She held them up in her magic, turning them this way and that to examine their bodies for any signs of injury, and then returned them to her bosom. “We art so grateful for thine safe return!”
Managing to lock eyes over the mighty hills of breast flesh, Moonlight and Thomas stared at one another with realization. She knew!