Author's Notes:

Griffon the Streak Off By The Great Derpsby
Streaker(s) Anthro Gilda

What is more fun than getting roaring drunk with a friend?

“... And then I says to her, I says, 'Like being naked in an Adult Shop?' and she looks like she's about to tear my head straight off my shoulders!”

“Ha ha ha, really, Dash? Ya said that to her?”

Getting roaring drunk in a Canterlot bar with a rowdy Griffon friend you hadn't seen in awhile.

“I'm—hah—I'm surprised she didn't sock you in the face after you ogled her ass like that!”

“Couldn't help it. It's very ogle-er-able.”

“Get outta here!”

“No, really! Dude, you should've seen it! Baby has back. It's real nice and round, but also firm.

Like, um, like an apple. An orange apple. All the tree-kicking she does, y'see? Really works out the, the glutes I think they're called. And she's got legs going up all the way to her shoulders!”

“That doesn't sound healthy.”

Gilda the Griffon, expatriate of he (hah!) City of Griffonstone, last of a long line of what went for nobles among griffonkind, found herself dodging a pack of salted pretzels thrown at her head. She could clearly make out the word SALTED!!! on one side, complete with an obnoxious amount of exclamation points like the whole thing was toxic. She leaned to the side and let it sail past her.

“Throwing stuff now, Dash? Not cool. You could take an eye out or some crap.”

Opposite her, Rainbow Dash closed her arms over the multi-coloured lightning bolt printed on her snugly-fitting shirt. She’d gone with her usual mix of sporty clothes and casual. Gilde had come mostly in black pleather—eye-catching and loud, just like she was.

“Wah, wah, wah, stop being a whiny cub. it's your fault for making fun of my story, G,” the Pegasus said with a smirk. She'd been smirking a lot since they started this little get-together; something Gilda was very thankful for. It showed they really were getting past their old problems.

“I'm telling you, my friend Applejack is a total bombshell underneath all that cowpony. Hay, the cowpony makes her even tastier! I'd totally play strip poker with her again. Y'know, if she wasn't still mad at me.” She picked up a celery stick and began chewing on it. Noisily. “Wouldn't even have a problem losing to her, as long as I get to see some more Applejack in the buff. And I know she'd go through with streaking again if I actually win.”

Gilda cocked her head.

“Are you sure about that? The way you told it, Applesnack was really pissed at you.”

“Applejack. And yeah, she was pissed.” Rainbow shrugged, flagging one of the waiters down for another drink. “But you gotta understand something about her. She's Applejack. The most dependable of ponies. She's stubborn, but she's also really brave. One of the bravest ponies I know. Like some apple-coloured rock. Ah, thanks!”

The arrival of Rainbow Dash's drink created a momentary lull in their conversation. Competing for Rainbow Dash's attention when she had cider in her glass was about as impossible a task as getting her pink friend to stop sounding like a squeaky toy. Gilda just rolled her eyes.

“Yeah. One of the bravest ponies. Right. She did a naked run, Dash, not save the world. Takes some guts to run around with your tail up, sure, but not that much.”

Rainbow Dash gulped down the rest of her cider and slammed the glass down on the table, drawing several annoyed glances from the staff.

“Oh yeah?! Well, I'll tell you—tail feathers up? Really?”

“Griffon saying. Means naked and showing off.”

Rainbow Dash stared at her for a moment. “You don’t even got any tail feathers.”

“Some Griffons are born with tail feathers, Dash. I hear there’s ponies with markings on their coat even though I never saw one. So don’t be hatin’,” Gilda sneered while silently congratulating herself on successfully distracting the blue speedster from her other little angry fit.

“Yeah, that’s a good point. Ponies don’t visit Griffonstone much or else the egghead would’ve had a report that isn’t, like, stupidly ancient.” The Pegasus rubbed her chin in thought, apparently having completely forgotten her anger. Just as planned. “But that's not important, we were talking about Applejack!”

So much for forgetting she's angry about her friend, Gilda thought. She let her head drop onto the palm of one talon and patiently waited for the other girl to make her angry speech. Patiently for her, that was. She still wasn't totally sure to what extent dissing Rainbow Dash's friends was okay now after they had sort of made up in Griffonstone. It was difficult to break old habits like that, so she slipped from time to time and always made sure Rainbow Dash knew it wasn’t serious. Walking on eggshells has never sucked more, she thought with an internal grimace.

“Look, Gilda, it’s not that easy. To go through with that just because you lost a game of poker takes more than some guts. It wasn’t like it was dark and nopony could see her. They could all see her. Everypony out during her stunt could see, well, everything. And that’s really humiliating, especially when you come across ponies who know you, or who you have to work with in the future.” Rainbow sighed, grabbed her glass again, found it to be empty, and waved it at the nearest waitress. She was clearly upset at something big time.

“And I know that because… well, some jokesters did it to me, too. And they didn’t ask me before they did it. They just took my duds and made me run around town butt-naked.”

Gilda felt an angry flush form on her face.One of her talons dug into the tabletop.

“Who..?”

“Nopony important, G. I already dealt with them. Let it go.” Gilda didn’t at all feel like letting it go, but she knew better than to press on when Rainbow Dash didn’t want to share. So, she relaxed.

“Anyway, it felt pretty bad. Didn’t think giving Ponyville a show would be this painful, but heh.” She looked away. “And I joked around about the thing with Applejack earlier because she was okay with doing it. Well, maybe not so much while she did it, but she got naked, went out the door, and stayed in her birthday suit the whole time. Didn’t try to chicken out or something. She really put her money where her muzzle was. So, it’s not okay to say what she did wasn’t a big deal, okay? Trust me on this. I went there.”

By the time Rainbow was finished, Gilda felt several inches smaller. This was not a situation she was used to. She had to do something fast, or the whole get-together would suddenly get all awkward. Gilda didn’t do awkward.

She opened her beak.

“I think I get it,” she said, “and I’m sorry for talking smack about your friend. Look, maybe this really takes way more guts than I think right now. Which is why I’m thinking I should do it next.”

Rainbow shot her a surprised look. “Huh?”

Gilda answered with a smirk. “It’s a really gutsy thing to do, right? She did it, you did it… I’m next. Can’t have you hogging all the glory now can I? Besides, it’s a crime to deny the ponies here a good look at this.” She sat up straight, hitched her ass up off the seat, and gave her own lionesque rump a hard slap. Hard enough for her to feel it for a little while, she realised, barely resisting the urge to rub the aching spot. That wasn’t the only thing she felt, though, as smacking her tight Griffon rump had drawn more than a few looks.

It wasn’t unusual for her to be stared at in pony places. Griffons were still rare enough to draw attention. More so if the Griffon in question came wrapped in skin-tight outfits. Gilda let her tail swish lazily from side to side while she cheshire-grinned.

“So Dash. Let’s say you and me go outside and do this?”

The Pegasus mare just stared at her at first. One of the waitresses, a scrawny little mare with a nervous smile, replaced her glass with a full one. As soon as she had, Rainbow grabbed the thing and took a long, long swig.

“Yeah, okay.” She wiped her muzzle with a hand. “Let’s. That is, if this isn’t just the cider talking and you really think you’re up to it.”

Gilda bristled. “You think I’m not serious? Okay, wise-ass, we’ll make it a penalty run! I’ll show you just how serious I am, and you will eat your words so hard you’ll be crapping alphabet soup for a week!”

“Geez, Gilda, that was gross.” Rainbow Dash hid her face in her palms. But she chuckled as well. “You go ahead, I’ll get the bill.”

Outside the bar, in a secluded alley hidden from Canterlot’s always busy streets, Pegasus and Griffon conspired.

“Alright, so,” Rainbow began, “it’s early in the evening, so it’s still light outside. Probably will be for one or two hours, time enough to reach the park from here.. You said something about a penalty?”

Gilda nodded and reached into the inner pocket of her jacket. When she held the item in question up for inspection, Rainbow Dash’s eyes went wide and her jaw dropped.

“G, that’s crazy. You can’t be serious.” Rainbow snorted. “Frikkin’ handcuffs?! Really?”

“Hey! I already told you I’m serious!” Gilda had already taken off her jacket, throwing it roughly in the direction of Rainbow Dash’s head before she began shimmying out of her pants. “Besides, this is, like, Pony Princess Central. Nothing bad’s gonna happen, not even with a pair of cuff around my wrists.”

“You’ll make it easier for the guard to arrest you, that’s for sure,” Rainbow groaned. She threw her arms in the air, still holding on to Gilda’s jacket and pants, soon joined by her shirt and bra.
“Fine, let’s do it your way, kinky chick. Why do you even have those?”

“Shut up. They came with the outfit. Remember, this is just a handicap to show off how hardcore I am, nothing more.” She opened one of the cuffs onto her wrist and let it snap shut. Then, she bent over to pull down her (embarrassingly pink—a gift from Pinkie Pie) panties. Rainbow Dash gave her a flat stare, one eyebrow raised. “What?”

“You’re absolutely, one-hundred percent sure you’re not just doing this because it’s your super special secret fetish or something? Nice ass, by the way.”

The griffoness’s cheeks began to glow in a slight, annoying blush. Whether from Rainbow ogling her by-now naked backside or from the suggestion that she was some kind of pervert, even she couldn’t tell.

“Hah! I’ll take that as a compliment. The ass part, I mean. ‘Cause it’s totally true.” She stretched out one of her long legs, striking a pose more suited for an issue of Playmare: The cuffed hand resting draped over her chest, the other coily pushing an index claw against her pouting lips, eyes half-lidded, while her pinkie pink panties dangled from her tail puff. “I’m sexy and I know it and I ain’t afraid to show it.”

And now Rainbow Dash was glowing. “I’ll say.” Her voice sounded just a tad drier and raspier than usual. “I hope you got lots more of where that came from.”

She walked up to Gilda’s nude form and with one quick motion pulled both of the Griffon’s arms behind her back. ‘Click’ went the cuff around her other wrist; Rainbow Dash’s muzzle was close enough to Gilda’s cheek for her to feel the Pegasus mare’s hot breath ruffle the fuzz around her beak and smell the cider on her breath.

“I still think you’re crazy, G,” Rainbow muttered, “but hay, it’s not my butt on the line. I’ll take your clothes and hide them in Canterlot Park, and then I’ll watch you from a distance to make sure everything’s okay. See ya at the finish line!”

With that, the mare whooshed off at wonderbolt-level speed, leaving behind a motionless, heavily-breathing, nude Griffon female. Who was slowly coming to a terrible realisation. She looked down at her exposed breasts. She looked over her shoulder to where her taloned hands were restrained behind her back via a small chain.

“Dammit, Dash. You were supposed to cuff me in the front.”

Gilda made a few half-hearted struggles against the offending metal around her wrists. Half-hearted because she already knew how tough they were: Reinforced, nearly impossible to cut by conventional means, magic-proof, fire-proof, the perfect way to keep nearly any Equestrian creature bound tight. As she suspected, they wouldn’t budge.

“Well, fuck,” she deadpanned. Sighing from deep within her chest, Gilda peered out at the corner where this little alley opened up into one of Canterlot’s more lively streets. Well, it normally was; today appeared to be a slow day for a change, despite sunny weather and clear skies. A quick look up showed several Pegasi flying to wherever the heck they felt they needed to be, so she had a greater chance of not being spotted by too many ponies down on the ground. Plus, flying all the way to the park was kinda… cheating.

And Gilda the Griffon was no cheater.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, set her shoulders—which, incidentally, pushed out her breasts even more than having her claws behind her back did—and took a confident step from her hiding place, out in the open.

Several gasps came right from her left.

“Dudes! What is… Is that a Griffon?”

“It is! And she’s naked!”

“Nude Griffon chick. Awesome!”

Oh no. She knew these voices. She turned her head and opened her eyes, coming face to face with three shaggy-looking Pegasi. One was orange, one grey, and a dark brown. They were all guys, all buff, and all three had their manes hanging right in their faces.

Please not them! A hot blush burned on her cheeks. Anypony but these three dorks! Please, please don’t let them recognise me!

The leader, the chocolate brown one, put a hand to his chin in thought.

“Waaait a minute... I know you. You’re that Griffon friend of Rainbow Dash, aren’t you?”

Gilda took a step backwards.

“Hey, you’re right! It’s that scrawny Griffon from back then,” guffawed the orange one, who for some reason had a surprisingly girly voice despite being the tallest, “Geila or something.”

“Gilda!” Gilda hissed. She didn’t like the way they were looking at her. It wasn’t easy to see where they were looking with those mops of hair over their eyes, but the way they were smirking gave her a few ideas. She took another step back.

The leader nodded. What was his name again..? “Right, Gilda. You’re not so scrawny anymore, are you? I mean, damn, look at those knockers!” The other two nodded while snickering like little schoolcolts. “At least two handfuls each! Man, if I’d known you would turn out so fine, I would have tried harder to get a date with you!”

“Hey, Dumbbell,” Orange Jerk said. Ah, so that’s his name! “I wanna touch her titties. Can I?” He held up two meaty, calloused hands. “I swear I’ll be gentle.” He slowly closed them into thick fists, joints cracking audibly. Gilda gulped. She could feel her poor, exposed nipples wince. It didn’t help that the cool breeze made sure they were exceptionally perky.

“Touch me and I’ll rip your face off!” She would’ve liked to keep the little shake out of her voice. The three Pegasi exchanged a look. At least that’s what Gilda suspected.

Dumbbell snorted. “Now that’s not nice. You’re the one running around butt-naked like some kinda whorse. And why are you naked, anyway? Did you become a hooker after they kicked you out of flight school?”

“You little..!” Before Gilda had a chance to finish, she saw something out of the corner of her eyes she really didn’t want to see. Another Pegasus stallion, this one in the golden armor of the royal guard. He was closing in fast, fast enough to see the determined expression set on his light orange face. Time to get out of here.

She flashed the three jocks a grin. “Sorry, boys, got places to be. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

With that, she spun around and raced off. Behind her came the sounds of confusion, anger, and at least one catcall. She grit her teeth and ran on, her bare paws making slapping sounds on the concrete and her tail whipping behind her. She had to take a sharp turn at a corner, using a wing to keep her balance.

Unfortunately, she met something solid.

She slammed into it with a squawk, tripping and taking the thing down with her. A short cry told her a), it was a pony, and b) a stallion. Again. She couldn’t use her arms to cushion her fall, but as luck would have it, she landed on top. That just left her lying on top of him awkwardly, her breasts smooshed against the stallion’s chest. She gave silent thanks that he was too tall for her bare crotch to land close to any… critical zone.

An icy blue, angry glare met hers.

“What is the meaning of this?” the stallion demanded in one of those snooty city tones. Oh great, it’s one of those guys.

“What’s it look like, Sherclop?”she growled in return.

He snorted a gust of hot air in her face. “What this looks like is some insane griffoness choosing this day to ruin one of the few outings a stallion of my station can afford during busy times.” He shook his head, letting his obviously well-groomed blond mane fall about his shoulders. The rest of his coat was one of those brilliant whites some ponies supposedly thought denoted high-status while others just found it attractive.

She rolled her eyes, scrambling off of him to stand. “Put a lid on it, geeze. I just didn’t see you, that’s all.” When their eyes met again, she noticed a blush spread across, honestly? Fairly handsome features. For a pony.

“You’re naked!” he squeaked. She blushed as well, again. Her tail swished anxiously.

“And you’re an idiot.” He just kept staring at her, then his gaze fell lower. And lower. A spike of humiliation shot up her spinal cord; her wings wrapped around her like they had a mind of their own, but didn’t reach all the way down. “S-stop staring at me, you pervert!”

Of course he didn’t stop staring. That was kinda to be expected with a body like hers. Still, it was more than a little degrading to have the still-prone stallion stare at her nude Griffon cunnie like it was a slab of meat on a sale. It didn’t help that her enforced posture made it seem like she was showing off for him. Turning away only put her other side into better profile, however she moved.

Then something changed in the way he looked. He cocked his head, glancing not so much at her crotch but past it, to where her wrists met behind her back.

“Are... those handcuffs?”

Gilda felt cold sweat gather at an uncomfortable spot, right between the place where her wings met her back. “Um... Noooo?”

They exchanged a long, silent look. For the life of her, she couldn't read the Unicorn's wide-eyed, stone-faced expression. Griffons were supposed to have intimidating glares, but right now, Gilda almost wished he'd look at her privates again. He didn't even blink.

She tried to form an innocent smile.

“You're an escaped convict!” he suddenly screamed, pointing right at her bare breasts, making her blush even worse than before. His horn lit up, a bright blue that put a sheen of magical glow on the both of them. She felt an unfamiliar tingling settle on her hide where the Unicorn's magic touched her directly.

Gilda kicked him in the nuts.

The light went out. The tingle vanished. Gilda couldn't help but wince at the hoarse whisper he made or the way his eyes bulged in a face that seemed even paler than before. Which was impressive, seeing as how the stallion was a spotless white to begin with. His outstretched finger curled up like a dying, dried-up plant.

When the stallion rolled over and curled up protectively around his middle, Gilda took her chance. That nosy guard from before probably almost made up the distance by now; she had to find a hiding place. Streaking was one thing, but she'd no interest in getting arrested, especially not in the nude! A quick look around revealed a convenient bush right next to the moaning, writhing Unicorn on the ground, just big enough to keep her hidden. She turned her head to listen and, upon hearing the clip-clop of armoured hooves, dove right into the protective green.

She crouched in place, not daring to move or make a sound. It was annoying as heck, to be stuck naked in some bushes while waiting for that idiot tin soldier to lose her track, but what else was she going to do?

“What is... Prince Blueblood?”

Gilda froze. Ever so slowly, she peeked over her shoulder. Right outside her hiding place was the royal guard she was trying to shake. He was bending down to check on the Unicorn she'd left behind on the road.

I kicked a Unicorn prince in the balls? She thought. Well, bird droppings. This is off to a good start.

“Sir, can you hear me? Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

She rolled her eyes. The guy sounded like a total dork.

“What does it look like?!” snapped the snooty Unicorn. She almost snickered when she noticed how he sounded a little shriller than before. “I'm writhing on the ground. In pain. Holding m-my royal crown jewels. Now ask me again whether I am all right!”

“Uh...”

“Ow, damn that harridan! Ow, ow, ow. Name and rank, soldier, if you pleaaaargh oh Celestia, my poor testicles!”

“Er. Sentry, sir! Lieutenant Flash Sentry of the Crystal Guard! In pursuit of a... a naked Griffon in handcuffs.”

Yeah, that sounded like her. And he sounded like he'd only ever seen a girl naked in the magazines under his bed.

“She's suspected of indecent exposure and the sexual harassment of three Pegasus visitors from Cloudsdale.”

What?!

The Unicorn groaned while the other stallion helped him to his hooves. He stayed bent at the waist, still grimacing from the pain.

“I believe I just ran into her. Yes, she looked like an escaped prisoner, likely from the mental ward of a nearby hospital. I was just about to apprehend her, but she took a cowardly cheap shot and got away.”

Gilda silently fumed. Prince or no, arrest or no, she was about ready to go out there and kick him again, harder this time. Too bad she couldn't claw his pretty face; her talons flexed behind her back, trapped and useless.

“You look like you need a doctor right now, prince. I'll accompany you there, when we're there I'll send for reinforcements.”

The hidden griffoness waited until she couldn't hear them anymore. “Hah! Idiots,” she whispered to herself. With a self-satisfied smirk, she wiggled backwards and out of the bush to get back to her naked run. She was halfway out, feeling the sun shine in her butt.

And then her wing got caught in something with sharp thorns.

Gilda suppressed a pained cry. Through a blurry vision, she could see how her wing had brushed right up to a rose plant thing. She tugged at her wing, but that only made it hurt more as her feathers got tangled up. She had to take it slowly.

“Oh, shmoopy! This is so romantic!”

She froze again. There was somepony outside, a pony couple, coming up the street. Coming up to her.

“Told you Canterlot is something special.”

They hadn't seen her yet. They were still walking and talking and completely clueless about her. That was a good thing. Right? Right! She could manage, she just had to wiggle her wing free. Fuck, why is this taking so long?!

“You were sooo right! The air, the food, the beautiful city! Oh, I feel like I'm falling in love.”

“Heh, heh, well, what would you want to say to the one who made this trip possible?”

“Oh, shmoopy, I'd say you are... a Griffon's naked ass!”

Gilda's asshole clenched.

“Wha-but, but...”

“Not but! Butt! Look at that butt!”

By now, Gilda's blush threatened to burn a hole in the fuzz around her neck all the way down to her fur-covered cleavage. She tugged and pulled and tried not to make it too painful on herself, and all that seemed to do was to stretch and arch her back to present her wiggling butt to the unseen audience even more. Like an obscene puppet show—Gilda the Griffon and her amazing bouncing cat ass!

“I didn't know they had naked Griffons hiding in the bushes around here. Not exactly complaining here, mind, just surprised. That is one shapely butt.”

“Do you think it's part of some strange foreign Griffon mating ritual, shmoopy? Like when those cats make these awful noises right underneath our window back home..?”

With one last yank, Gilda finally managed to pull free. The thorns tearing at her wings made her tear up in turn, and she saw that she'd left one or two feathers hanging behind on the branch she'd been stuck on. That stupid clucking branch.

She jerked her head around to glare at the two ponies at her back. Her anger must've been clearly visible on her face since they flinched back a step, the greenish Pegasus mare ducking behind a dark yellow earth stallion not much taller than her. She turned halfway around, taking on a more threatening stance. As much as it was possible with her hands bound.

“Ah ha ha, sorry, um, miss Griffon. We don't mean any trouble.” He twisted his muzzle into something apparently meant to be a reassuring smile. Gilda only scowled harder when his gaze dropped to the cuffs slapped around her wrists. “Er, I, that is, we, um...”

“Do you think she's some kind of crazy pervert on the lam?” his marefriend whispered behind a raised hand, loud enough for everypony around to hear. Then, after a second, she added: “Her boobs are so big. I think she's had something done to them. Look at them, I don't think Griffons are supposed to be this busty.”

Oh, you did not just say that!

A single drop of sweat ran down the stallion's brow. Gilda almost didn't notice it, she was too busy imagining taking her talons to the floozy's tiny-ass titties as thanks.

“Sassa, I don't think this is the right place nor the right time.” He did a dry gulp. “She looks really angry...”

The corner of Gilda's mouth rose a fraction. Just enough to expose more teeth than was friendly.

“You think..?” she growled. Her shoulders strained, her arms flexed, aching to tear these idiots a new one. Of course, she couldn't do that. Fucking handcuffs, whose stupid idea was that again to use them? Oh yeah, it was me. Gilda narrowed her eyes and stepped around to face them directly.

“Listen here, dweeb. Some good advice from your friendly neighbourhood Griffon. Take your squeeze and run. I'm a crazy pervert and you wouldn't want to be around me when I do something... extreme, would you?” An insane little leer at the end seemed to do the trick. The stallion stepped back, ears tight against his skull and muzzle quivering.

“N-now, let's not be hasty...”

Unfortunately, the mare behind him decided to pipe up again. “But, she's all tied up. She can't really do anything. You should take her down, Shmoopy.” She pushed the guy back the way he'd slunk. He nearly tripped and, after flailing for a second, caught himself right with his eyes at breast-level of Gilda's massive rack. She might've been flattered by the way he took longer than normal in pulling them back up to where her face sat. Her madly grinning face.

“Oh, these aren't for me. I just like wearing them like this until I find some nicely dumb ponies to use them on. Ponies who like staring at my boobs.” He flinched when she stressed the last word. “Last chance, buster. Take a hike. Now!”

With a shriek and nearly RD-speed, the stallion took off, his stupid and still-chattering marefriend over one shoulder. Gilda was impressed by the acceleration he managed. Just a little more and she was certain he'd be faster than his own girly screams.

She allowed herself a deep sigh. Who would've thought a bit of streaking would create soooo many problems? Maybe Dash was right. Gilda gnawed on her beak, wondering. Maybe I really should just fly the rest of the way? I'll get there way faster than just by walking. But if the guard is informed, they'll be looking for a Griffon. Up in the air is the first place they'll be searching. And... I'm not going to back down from this. Gilda is no quitter! No matter how many pervy ponies get to see my... my boobs and my pussy. She was heating up again, thinking that last part. Stars, this whole stupid thing was getting to her!

“Hoooh... I heard screaming. Is anything wrong? Is somepony in trouble?”

Gilda wanted to facepalm so, so, so much. Of course, she groused inside her own head, of fucking course somepony would arrive just when I got rid of the dweeb squad. There wasn't any way this could've gone down differently, is there? Who in the name of clucking King Guto's codpiece is it now?!

A quick glance revealed the newest arrival to the Stare At Gilda's Exposed Booty Party to be a small old Unicorn lady. She had a face like a raisin and hobbled along while leaning on a heavy-looking wooden walking stick. She squinted eyes that almost vanished beneath a wide-brimmed, frilly hat; had she come any closer she would've shoved her nose right up Gilda's belly button.

“Oh, oh dear... Are you alright, little filly? Let met just get my glasses on...”

Gilda blinked at the pony elder fumbling around in her even more frilly purse. The glasses she finally took out looked heavy enough to drink from and made her pupils seem big even for pony standards. She squinted again. And then she gasped.

Gilda opened her mouth. “..,” she said.

“Griffone invaders!” howled the little old lady. “Naked Griffon battle maidens, come to ravish our poor husbands, sons, and grandsons!”

Gilda's beak stood open as her brain tried to wrap around what her earholes just sent, failed, and tried again. Naked Griffon whutadahuh what now?!

“You shall never get your filthy claws on our stallions, evil bird! Canterlot stands strong!” was what the ancient mare before her declared. Her horn came alight with magic, as did her walking stick, hovering feebly but with determination.

It swung a wide arch.

“YE-OWCH!” Gilda jumped nearly half her own height into the air. Her ass! Her poor ass! That infernal walking stick struck her right in her left cheek! Her buttocks quivered and ached and she was sure there was an angry red line there now, right on her coat. It fucking hurt is what it did!

“Ow, ow ow ow!” She hopped from one paw to the other and hoped the pain would go away soon. “You crazy old bag, what the everloving fuck do you think you're doing hitting me like that? I'm no clucking invader, are you still blind even with your glasses oooOOOW!”

She did it again! She hit the same cheek, the other way this time! She probably had a big red X on her butt now! Caution: Griffon booty off limits this day, do not cross! Cluck-bucking fuck! Through a watery veil of tears, Gilda saw the decrepit mare ready the stick for another attack on her rump.

She bolted. Just in time, too, as the swoosh behind her and the rush of air told her how close it had been. Gilda grit her teeth and bit back the panicky squeak bubbling up in her throat; her leonine legs pumped like crazy to get her away from the even crazier Unicorn grandma and her Stick of Whacking. She bent at the waist and powered onward with her arms stretched out behind her all ninja-like, like in one of those Neighponese comics she'd never admit to checking out whenever she was near a book shop. Canterlot raced by her. Gilda panted from the effort, taking a quick peek over her shoulder.

Her heart nearly dropped down into her stomach.

“You can't outrun me, foul feathered fiend!” the Unicorn shouted, somehow managing to keep up with Gilda. “I was the winner of the Canterhorn marathon for three decades!” She'd raised her dress to get after her, the glowing walking stick rocketing along at her side.

“Get away from me!”

“I'll next cane those freakishly large breasts you shamelessly present when I catch you!”

“Oh what the fuck ever!”

Gilda picked up even more speed. Turning a sharp corner, she came upon a couple of Unicorns in construction getup putting up warning signs around a large hole in the ground. They froze as soon as they saw what, in their mind, probably had to be an insane naked Griffon chick bulldozing right in their direction with absolutely no hint of slowing down.

Right before the moment of collision, she pushed off of the ground and sailed over their heads. She could see their eyes follow her arch. Or, more accurately, follow her breasts and pussy as she inadvertently flashed them in the most obvious way possible. Gilda touched down on the other side of them, breaking into another run as fast as she could.

“Celestia, what was that?!”

“Who cares! Didya see the boobage on her? Like a pair of fuzzy hoofballs!”

“She had stripes on her butt. Looks like she got caned or somethin'.”

“Kinky!”

Apparently not fast enough.

At least I'll get rid of the stick-happy old bat, Gilda thought to herself. The construction site was sure to slow the Unicorn down enough for her to get away. Probably the same reason there hadn't been that many ponies walking this particular street, Pegasi would just fly wherever they wanted to go and regular ponies would find some other way. Damn, her ass still hurt! She had to get to the park and out of these cuffs and soon, before she met another insane and/or perverted pony.

Gilda thought she should have been close to her goal by now. She knew this place; there was a bar serving the right kind of stiff drinks for thirsty Griffons to her right. They would've gone to this one if Dash wasn't such a sucker for cider. From here it was what, just one more corner or something? Easy!

The world suddenly tilted to the left.

Gilda lost her balance, squawking in surprise. Her paws slid across the pavement, trying and failing to find some footing on the slippery ground. She fell backwards, landing right on her ass. Her already hurting ass.

“AAAAUUGHSHIT!”

The griffoness couldn't remember the last time her ass felt like this. Why did she even trip in the first place? Gilda gritted her teeth and looked down. Apparently, she'd stepped in a puddle of... something. It could've been worse, she found, since there was a broken bottle not too far away. That's just something she needed today, to stab her foot on a shard of glass!

“Hey lady, you okay—woah!”

Gilda's eyes followed the voice, all the way up to the entrance of the bar. A Unicorn stallion in construction gear stood in the now open entrance, goggling down at her like a concussed goldfish. Other ponies in work duds crowded the door behind him, probably belonging to the construction crew she’d passed before, all trying to see what had happened outside. And they all took a great interest in her wide-spread legs and exposed cooch. A few even began to whistle.

“Oh my Celestia, lookit the pussy's pussy down dere!”

“Aw shit, dat's a nice griffy cunny awright!”

Gilda scrambled to her feet.

“Nooo, don't do dat, pussy pussy! Hey, anypony got some tuna for the cat? I want to see de pussy some more.”

“She's part bird, you idiot! Gimme some of that bread, we can see her ass some when she pecks it off the ground!”

“Don't care for her ass, want more nice Griffon pussy on display!”

The Griffon in question growled. She took a deep breath, releasing her most fearsome roar at the perverts ogling her. To her immense satisfaction, they actually flinched and ducked.

“Wow, she angry. Lookit her stand dere all huffy 'n angry-like.”

“Yeah, but I did like how she showed off her boobies before she roared. Nice!”

“Eh, I prefer how she's standing dere now with her legs spread!”

Gilda flushed. With a scream of embarrassed rage, she took off running again, taking care not to hit the puddle and give the stallions another show. Just how many dirty ponies were there in Canterlot, anyway?! She thought the pony princesses kept it all sparkly and boring! Heck, it didn't even matter anymore. She turned the corner.

The entrance to Canterlot Park beckoned to her like the Idol of Boreas. She grinned as wide as ever had in her life and fell into a trot to catch her breath.

“Home at last!” Gilda very nearly skipped the last few steps separating her from the sweet release of the damned handcuffs, laughing wildly. She didn't even care anymore whether there were ponies staring at her sweater puppies or her pussy. Let them watch! She didn't give a flying fuck about who was there now! There was no way this could go wrong now!

A gauntleted hand slammed down on her shoulder. “You are under arrest!” a stallion's voice declared in the dorkiest tone possible.

Oh, no. No! Not this guy, not here!

“Good work, lieutenant Sentry! Now we can finally apprehend this, this cur, this Griffon Jezebel.”

“My pleasure, your majesty!”

Gilda closed her eyes and slumped. She wasn't sure whether to laugh, cry, or spontaneously combust. She'd probably do the later if she knew how.
So close. She'd been so close, only to get caught by Sergeant Dweebface and Prince So-fabulous-he-probably-plays-for-the-other-team literally steps before her goal.

“Get your hands off of my friend!”

A sudden explosion of wind nearly blew her off her feet, the hand that had grabbed her shoulder pulled away. Probably to shield the stallion's eyes. Gilda cracked open one of her own, already knowing who decided to drop in from above. She glanced at the smirking polychromatic Pegasus.

“Dash,” she said, hanging somewhere between thankful, relieved, and pissed off, “what took you so bloody long?”

Rainbow Dash crossed her arms in indignation. “Hey! A 'thank you' would've been nice, ya know! I just saved you from being carted off like a criminal and all you can do is snap at me?” She snorted. “Some friend you are!”

A—in Gilda's opinion, unforgivably pretentious-sounding—cough drew both the mare's and chick's attention towards the well-dressed but slightly dirtied Unicorn standing a little off to the side. Prince Blurblood, or whatever his name was. He eyed Rainbow, after looking Gilda up and down one last time.

“Actually,” he began, “you did not save anypony. Miss Rainbow Dash, am I correct? Element of Harmony, acquaintance of Princess Twilight Sparkle?”

“What's it to you?” Rainbow Dash set her shoulders and snarled. The prince tugged at his collar and motioned for his guard escort to take over. The Pegasus stallion looked from prince to mare and sighed.

“Your Griffon friend here broke a lot of laws today. She harassed several pedestrians...”

“Horseapples! I saw what happened. Gilda didn't harass anypony. That was just some dumb accidents or ponies overreacting.”

“Yes, well.” The stallion pointed at Gilda. “She also attacked and injured a member of the royal family. I would've had to carry His Highness all the way to a hospital if we hadn't met a member of the medical corps on the way. And that's not even mentioning the specifics of his injury, which we had to disclose to the doctor.”

“She giggled at me,” the prince said in a small voice.

“... so, as you can see, there is no way we can simply allow your friend to leave.” The guardstallion nodded to himself. Rainbow rolled her eyes and facepalmed, obviously annoyed at the whole thing. Gilda herself wondered if gnawing off her own arms was a viable escape strategy.

“Look, Flash, dude, what do we have to do to make this disappear?” Rainbow Dash gave him a strained smile. “A few barrels of Sweet Apple Acres cider? A personally-signed autograph from Captain Spitfire, complete with a lipstick kiss? A promotion? I'm friends with a princess. I can talk to her.”

Lieutenant Sentry shook his head. “Please don't insult me! I'm a royal guard. I can't be bribed, so you don't even need to—“

He stopped when the prince leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Flash's ear twitched. He turned towards the other stallion with a 'are you serious?!' kind of pure disbelief on his face. Then he turned back towards the females.

“It... seems like Prince Blueblood is ready to pardon your friend for any and all instances of disrupting the peace and attacking his royal person.”

“Score!” Rainbow Dash raised a hand to high-five her Griffon buddy, noticed how she was still cuffed, and scratched her neck sheepishly.

“However! Only in exchange for a favour.” Flash Sentry helplessly gestured at Prince Blueblood, who drew to his full height and strode towards Gilda. He stopped right in front of her, close enough that she had to look up to meet his eyes. He sniffed disdainfully and waved a hand in the air, like shooing away a particularly annoying fly.

“As the good guard said, you are free to go with no charges brought up against you. In return, I expect your presence at the castle over the course of the next seven days, preferably on a day of the weekend.”

He poked her right above where the curves of her breasts began. She flushed again.

“Wear something nice this time.”

With that, the prince strode away confidently, only the barest hint of a limp marring the picture. The guard watched on, saluted, and followed the royal, leaving two stunned girls behind. They shared a confused look.

“Well,” Rainbow Dash muttered, “seems like you got a date out of it.”

“Not funny,” the Griffon growled. She glowered at Rainbow before jiggling her still cuffed hands. “Now help me get these off. By the way, Dash, you were supposed to cuff me in the front, not the back. I had to run all the way like this. I totally looked like a crazy bird.” Gilda dropped her glare to the ground, her blush slowly spreading and painting her coat an embarrassing red again.

Rainbow Dash raised a brow.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that, Rainbow Dweeb? Something on my face?”

Rainbow's mouth twisted. She put a hand over her face while her shoulders shook from quiet giggling. “You-you realise that you could've stepped over them so they are in the front, right? You're flexible enough. You're part cat. I've seen you sleep draped over the edge of a couch like an empty pillowcase. That hurt just from looking.”

Gilda stared. Then she moaned. “Oh fuck me sideways!”

“No can do, that Prince guy has dibs.”

“Not helping!”

Rainbow Dash finally lost control and doubled over, howling with laughter. And despite how humiliating the day had been, Gilda felt her anger fade away little by little. Maybe she was just coming down from the adrenaline rush, or maybe she really had gone insane now, but looking back… it was quite funny. And she did get a date out of it.

Plus, she could always just kick him again if he was being too much of a dweeb. The guy looked like he could use being kicked into shape anyway. Make a real stallion out of ‘em. Gilda tested the cuffs around her wrists again and smiled.