Payne-full Realization

by Ezbok58a

First published 20th of May, 2012

Max Payne in Equestria

Failure was the word Max Payne thought a lot about after the day’s previous events. His employer found dead, his office destroyed, his employer’s wife still held hostage, and his friends abandoning him. Trying to cope with this newest revelation, Max drinks far more than usual and somehow winds up in the colorful world of Equestria, filled with intelligent talking ponies.

But as his time in this magical land reveals, there’s something dark in the shadows of this happy and peaceful place. A darkness that came from Max’s world…darkness that only Max can get rid of. That is, if he’s sober long enough to understand it and not put a bullet in his skull.

Takes place during events of Max Payne 3

Teen rating for strong language, alcohol use, pill use, and many other things linked to Max Payne...

The bottle put me here

Max Payne and all related materials belonging to it are property of Rockstar Games
My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic belongs to Hasbro, I in no way make any profit from this story. This is a story of my own strange mind that I wish to share with the rest of you.

A special thanks to ATung231 for his awesome proof-reading for this chapter, which is now 20% cooler and more readable!

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Payne-full Realization

By Ezbok58a

Chapter 1: The Bottle put me here

What does one do when the nightmares of your past come back to haunt you? Do you cower in fear, praying it’ll go away? Or do you turn and face them again full bore, and shove them back to the dark hell they crawled from?

I know firsthand that hiding from your nightmares or drowning them in alcohol doesn’t make them go away. The only way to stop them is to face them head-on. I sure as hell never expected to face one of my own nightmares in this bright and cheerful place I’m in now.

But that’s the thing with nightmares: there is no reasoning with them. They do as they please just to piss you off and scare the shit out of you.

Now here I was, in this grand castle hallway that was once pristine and perfect, now shot to pieces, coated with blood, and strewn with the dead bodies of those I killed. The leader, the shadow from my past, lay in front of me gasping for life. At least that’s what I told myself.

My gun was pointing at this broken shadow as I slowly walked across the hallway in a way that’d make Hollywood directors scream for their slow-motion cameras and dramatic music. There was no honor in this, no poetic justice, just what had to be done. And sure enough, there I was, standing over the nightmare, looking it in the eye once again as I cocked the hammer back, ready to finish it off.

I never expected it to come to this, never expected the nightmares to return, and never expected to even end up in this world. But that’s what happens when you think the bottle put you here…

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Several days ago…

My day had been absolute hell, both figuratively and literally. Fabricas Branco was attacked by the Crachá Preto. My employer, Rodrigo Branco, was found executed, and the entire building complex burned to the ground after multiple bombs went off. Add to that his kidnapped wife Fabiana, and I was in a completely wonderful mood. Now there were only two members of the Branco family alive that I knew about: Victor, the local politician, and his younger cokehead brother Marcelo. Oh, almost forgot about his wife, if she was still alive. After the office attack, I lost contact with all of them, even Passos, the guy who talked me into becoming a private bodyguard for this family. I was on my own again, left to my own devices, or rather, vices. Right now, it was a bottle of scotch.

My left arm was feeling better, considering it took a sniper’s bullet back at the failed ransom exchange in the soccer stadium. Then again, it could be the scotch and painkillers. I didn’t have a lot to look forward to. I was either going to find Fabiana and redeem myself or die in the process. And I didn’t even know who the hell was behind all of this shit.

My tolerance for drinking was rather high for a raging alcoholic like myself. By that, I meant I usually threw up before I passed out. Considering the day’s events, I was right on course for a drinking binge. But then something started to feel strange to me. When you drink as much as I do, you tend to know how you feel completely hammered, but what was currently going on wasn’t something I was used to. The room started to blur in the strangest ways. Soon, I didn’t have individual walls around me but rather, one big circular wall. The colors went from the drabness of my apartment to a violent assortment of colors as vast as the rainbow.

Was I drinking a bad bottle of scotch laced with PCP? Was my body finally giving up the ghost for spending the better part of a decade drinking like it was going out of style? Or was it something beyond my control? I didn’t have the presence of mind to answer those questions as the colors assaulted my very being. The rainbow colors soon faded to black as I lost consciousness.

----

The events of last night were completely lost to me. I assumed I’d either made it to my bed or unceremoniously slept it off on the floor of my apartment. All I knew was that bizarre experience was over.

Or so I thought…

Like any other day, I was awake but didn’t feel like getting up, a practice that took years to perfect. I was lying there with my eyes closed just hoping I could drift back to sleep, only to have Passos come in and wake me up. Only his voice never came…

“What is that thing?”

“I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Where did it come from?”

“What is it wearing?”

"Well whatever it is, it’s alive..."

"Is this a new creature? Oh I'm so excited! I've never seen a creature like this before! I wonder if it talks!"

"Well, we won't know ‘ til it wakes up."

“I hope it does it soon. Just waiting around is sooo boring!"

Clearly I had company, and judging by the voices they were females…and they spoke English. Two things I shouldn’t have been hearing in my São Paulo apartment. Something was definitely wrong here…

Before I decided to open my eyes and assess my current situation, I decided to pay attention to what else was unusual to me. I wasn’t on my bed, and this definitely wasn’t the floor. I was on something soft, yet firm. The smell coming through my nostrils was unmistakable...grass. I shifted slightly, feeling for my gun in the holster on my chest. Thankfully, it was still there. I didn’t know if I’d have to shoot my way out of this place, but knowing it was there calmed me down. When your life seems to be defined by how many people you kill, having a weapon is reassuring. Whoever was watching me didn’t seem like they had malicious intent, but like so many times before, I was on edge.

“What you thinking, Twi?”

One of the voices asked, presumably one of the others who found me. Going off the voices alone, I had at least three watching me, with the possibility of another three further back, judging from the foot falls and rustling of grass. I might as well greet these newcomers and see if I'm going to regret waking up. I groaned as I started to sit up and open my eyes. Soon, I wished I hadn’t.

I was surrounded, only not by goons with automatic weapons like I was used to waking up to. I was surrounded by six small horses, one of which was actually flying.

The horses all froze as they watched me move, like deer caught in the headlights. It allowed me to further investigate my surroundings before the shock wore off, one of the perks of being a seasoned NYPD detective.

I was definitely outside in a colorful landscape that was definitely not São Paulo. The land was full of flowing green fields, bright colors, and an even brighter sun which painfully reminded me of my prior night’s antics. The horses formed a half circle around me. They were relatively small, maybe four feet tall at the most, and they were all brightly colored.

It seems I drank myself into a cartoon. There were marks on their flanks, a few of them had horns protruding out of their head, the one currently airborne had wings, and another one wore a cowboy hat.

The first order of business was to take my hand and slap myself across the face. This had to be a dream. There’s no possible way I could actually be here right now. It’s just a dream, one I’ll forget once I wake myself up…

*Smack!*

My cheek stung from the strike as I closed my eyes and groaned softly. I opened my eyes again, hoping to see the dreary walls of my apartment again. Instead I saw the same six small horses, only now they looked very shocked.

“Hey! Why did you do that?” one of the horses asked.

Clearly, this had to be a dream. Horses don’t talk.

I pulled my hand back in order to slap myself harder, only to feel my hand forcefully held in place. I turned my head to look at it, and saw my hand bathed in a strange purple aura. Perplexed, I turned and looked back at the horses, noticing the nearest one had the same color glow coming from the horn protruding from her forehead.

“Please don’t do that again…” the purple horse spoke as she released whatever force she placed on my hand. I stared at her for a moment before I looked back at my hand, wondering if that aura which she controlled would reappear.

Noticing my confusion over my new surroundings, that same horse spoke up again. The fact that these creatures understood English was quite something, and that was coming from a jaded New Yorker.

“Do you…understand us?”

I looked at the horse for a good couple of seconds. Its’ eyes were much like reading a human’s eyes. You can see their intent, and this one, while cautious, was being sincere. I might as well humor it.

“Yeah, I understand you.” If only I understood where the hell I was…

The group of them stepped back slightly, cautious as to how to proceed. The purple one looked back at the others for some support. Judging by their faces, they didn’t know what to do either.

“Where the hell am I?” I asked, trying to shake my hangover away. A futile action if there ever was one.

The purple horse’s ears perked up at my question. It looked like it actually beamed, if that was even possible for a horse.

“You are in Equestria, not far from Ponyville to be exact.”

“Equestria? Ponyville?” Jesus Christ, I thought hell would be full of brimstone and fire, tortured souls, and the devil. How wrong I was. Hell was here amidst brightly colored horses and stupidly named towns. I bet they have a horse-like name for every town or city they have…

“Uh partner, you don’t look so good…”

The horse wearing a cowboy hat spoke up. How stereotypical, a southern accent from somebody wearing a cowboy hat. The urge to put my gun in my mouth grew by the second.

“So what exactly are you anyway, a creature from the Everfree Forest?”

This time the flying horse was the one asking the questions, light blue with a rainbow colored mane and tail. If the gay pride groups knew about this, they’d have a field day.

“What? I have no idea what you’re talking about…what the hell is the Free Forest?”

“It’s Everfree Forest, and it’s right behind you.” the rainbow horse said.

I turned around and there it was, a forest, just like the ones in my world. I still had no idea what the hell it was talking about, though. I had just woken up from a drunken blackout to “arrive” in a strange land full of talking horses. I didn't know a goddamn thing about this place, but by now, they should know that I don’t belong here.

Then again, I should answer its’ first question.

“I’m a person.” I answered as I turned back towards them, getting annoyed at everything surrounding me. I never thought I’d wish to be back in the shithole that was my life in Brazil, but “Equestria” and its’ talking horses made me homesick.

“A person? What exactly is a person?” the bright pink one asked.

I wondered what would happen if just pulled out my Beretta and blew my brains out in front of them. I was dangerously close to doing so. Hopefully, they wouldn’t understand what I was doing until it was too late.

Still, whatever good left in me decided to hold off and play along. Clearly this wasn’t a dream, and I was longing for another drink.

“I’m a human being, a person. Do you understand what that is?”

The group looked at me, then at each other quizzically, hoping that one of them knew the answer to my question. Not surprisingly, none of them did.

“This looks like it will require some research on my part…” the purple horse chuckled nervously as she refused to make eye contact with me. Not that I could blame it. I wouldn’t want to make eye contact with something that asked if you knew what it was, and you didn’t know.

“Anyways, do you have a name?” the purple horse asked.

“Max. Max Payne.”

I brought my hand to my face, rubbing my forehead before bringing it down across my beard. I felt marginally better than when I first woke up, but I was still hung over. Telling them my name was either the smartest thing I did, or the dumbest, and I was going to find out which…

“Well, Max Payne…my name is Twilight Sparkle.” she said.

Yep, clearly the dumbest. By the way she spoke, I got the impression I was about to be introduced to the rest of the group, horses with names just as stupid as hers. Not surprisingly, I was right.

“These here are my friends…” the purple horse then motioned with one front leg to the orange horse with the cowboy hat

“Applejack…” I could actually feel my intelligence drop as I looked at the orange horse. God I need a drink.

“Rarity…” She pointed to a white horse with a styled purple mane, which also sported a horn growing out of her forehead.

“Fluttershy…” The yellow and pink horse hunkered down behind the one she called Rarity. I can tell by looking at her that she was absolutely terrified of me. Hell, if any of these horses actually knew what I had done, they’d probably do the same.

“Pinkie Pie…” The pink horse bounced in place. Its’ facial expression I’ve only seen on sky-high cocaine addicts. It looked way too happy and energetic to be here, even by stupid, colorful fantasy world standards.

“And Rainbow Dash…” The light blue horse hovered slightly above them, her front legs crossed like arms, against her chest. Something that really shouldn’t be possible for a horse to do. Then again, this wasn’t the Bronx zoo, but some brightly colored land in who knows where.

“So Max, how exactly did you end up here?” The one called Twilight asked me, her head tilted to the side much like a dog would if it didn’t understand a word you were saying.

“Your guess is as good as mine. Last thing I remember was drinking in my apartment, and then I woke up to hear you talking around me…”

“Oh, did our talking wake you up? I’m so sorry. We’ll be more considerate next time.” the one called Fluttershy said quietly, still hiding behind one of the other horses.

I may have been suffering from a hangover, but it was obvious that yellow horse with pink hair was too kind for its own good. She had a kindness that was genuine, not the one that would stab you in the back when it got the chance. It was actually kind of refreshing, to say the least.

“Don’t worry about it, although I could use a drink.”

“Oh a drink! What kind of drink?” The pink one, no, Pinkie Pie asked as she bounced in place.

“Ideally, Scotch. Although anything with alcohol is welcome.”

The lot of them just looked at each other quizzically. This wasn’t good. Perhaps I was better off blowing my brains out.

“Um, Applejack…I think this one’s all yours.” Rainbow Dash said. I still couldn’t get used to these names or this place. Equestria’s all too cheery and colorful for someone like me. I needed an Italian thug to pop out of a tree with a 1911 to make this world feel like mine, but it wasn’t going to happen.

“Mine? Why is it all mine?”

“Well you do have that secret stash of cider in the cellar…” Rainbow stated.

“How in the hay do you know about that, Rainbow?!” The Southern accented horse was clearly annoyed by what the light blue flying horse said.

“Because I saw it the last time I helped you bring some of your apples down there to make the stuff!”

“That’s for special occasions only!”

“Well what’s more special than a human coming to our world, silly?” That pink one may seem like she’s on crack, but she clearly understands better than she lets on. I kind of admired that…if only she’d stop fucking bouncing.

“Ugh, fine…I’ll go get some of that special cider. But don’t you go spreading word to other ponies that I have it! The last thing I need is for my secret supply to get out to the public’s hooves!”

With that, the country horse walked toward a farmhouse I saw in the distance. There was something she said before she left that bothered me, though…

“Ponies?”

The rest of them turned back to look at me.

“Um, yeah silly! We’re all ponies!” Pinkie bounced in place again as she giggled at my absurd question.

I ran my hands down over my face, realizing that the pain in my head wasn’t just from the hangover, but from being where I was, surrounded by these ponies…

“I really, really need a drink…”

“Well, Applejack is already on her way to get something for you. In the meantime, I think its best we get you inside the Library. It will allow me research what you are and how you got here. It’s a far better place for research than this clearing outside of the Everfree forest.” Twilight stated.

I nodded my head before I slowly got up to my feet. While lying on the ground, I was at eye level with these ponies. Now that I was on my own two feet, I towered over them…well, all except the one called Rainbow Dash, who curiously flew slow circles around me.

“You’re taller than I expected…” Rainbow said as she flew around in front of me.

“And you’re more annoying than I expected, so let’s call it even.”

This earned a few snickers from the ponies on the ground, while Rainbow just narrowed her eyes at me and groaned. Making good with the locals: glad to see that my skills didn’t change no matter where I was.

“All right Max, follow me. The library is just at the edge of town so we should be able to avoid most of the population.”

“Twilight dear, why would we want to avoid the town?” Rarity asked.

“Very good Max, except the hands part.”

“What exactly are hands?” Rainbow asked as she flew in close to me. Apparently this one wasn’t concerned with the concept of personal space.

I held up my right hand to her and wiggled my fingers.

“That’s a hand.”

“Oh, so it’s like a claw…”

“A claw? What the hell is wrong with this place?”

“Hey, nothing’s wrong with Ponyville other than some six foot monstrosity that mysteriously appeared just outside the Everfree Forest…”

“Are you insulting me, you flying gay pride poster?”

“A little…um, what the hay is a gay pride poster?”

“You know what, I’ll tell you later…”

Rainbow’s questions were getting on my nerves. Can’t say I blame her. This was their world, and I was only an unfortunate guest in need of a drink. I wasn’t too surprised when the others started to ask me questions on the journey back to the library.

“So, Max…what is that fashionable ensemble you’re wearing?” Rarity asked.

I could tell by the way she carried herself with her walk and mannerisms that she either was upper class, or trying to be upper class. If it wasn’t for her genuine tone, I would’ve thought of her with the same level of contempt I had for Fabiana and Marcelo. I worked for them, but that didn’t mean I had to like them. Pushing those negative thoughts aside, I answered Rarity’s question.

“It’s called a suit.”

“Hmm, I see. Well, it works very well with your physique.” she said. Seeing this world is all upbeat and positive, I’m guessing that she wasn’t lying to me, which made me feel better.

“Thanks, I guess…” I didn’t have any fashion sense whatsoever. For years, I wore a leather coat with a Paisley print tie. My sense of fashion rated about as well as my bodyguard ability.

“So um, Max…what’s it like where you are from, if you don’t mind?” The quiet Fluttershy asked, gaining a small bit of courage from her friends asking questions first.

“It’s best if you don’t know…”

“Oh, OK then…I’m sorry…”

I could’ve just told them outright about the death and despair I see on a daily basis, most of it caused by yours truly. How would they even react to me, someone who made a living killing bad guys? Or the despair these bad guys put me through…put my family through? Just thinking about it made me long for the bottle, or at least my pills.

I put my hands in my jacket pockets. By some miracle, the cylindrical containers containing my other vice survived the trip. I pulled one container out and put a few of the small pills into my hand. Just as I was about to down the pills, I noticed that they all stopped walking and were watching me.

“Are those pills?” Rainbow asked as she flew in for a closer look, extending her front leg to my open palm before I pulled it away.

“Yes, they’re pills. Could you back off a bit? You, constantly flying close to me, are starting to piss me off.”

Rainbow was taken aback by my slight outburst, as her ears folded flat against her head briefly before what I assumed was her typical pride got the best of her. Apparently, I was pushing my luck with the only creatures that were kind enough to help me out.

“Well, sorry MAX. It’s just that some ponies are a little unsure about this new creature that magically appeared on the edge of one of the most terrifying places in all of Equestria!”

Her outburst actually made me like her more. She played it by heart, like I usually did: no planning and no preparation but rather, just going for it.

“You know what, Rainbow? You’re absolutely right.”

“Oh, so now you…wait, what?”

My statement caught her off guard. Just because I admired her spirit didn’t mean I couldn’t push a few of her buttons as well. It was nice to know I was doing the button pushing for once, rather than others pushing mine.

“Forgive me if I come off with an attitude. It’s not every day I drink myself into a stupor that lands me into another world full of talking ponies. If I did, I’d figured I’d have a warmer welcome at least.”

A little humor couldn’t hurt.

“All right. You get a pass this time.” Rainbow said as she spit onto her hoof and extended it to me.

Apparently, some human customs carry over to this pony land. I was being offered the equivalent of a spit shake. Keen on building bridges, I downed my pills before I spit in my own hand and shook the offered…hoof.

“Ick…I didn’t know you humans engaged in such barbaric practices!” Rarity said with a huff.

“Lady, you don’t know the half of it.”

“Oh, oh! My turn, my turn!” Pinkie literally bounced to my eye level from out of nowhere. If I could, I’d definitely run a tox screen on her.

“Maybe later, Pinkie. Let’s keep moving.” I said.

I continued walking forward while Pinkie faced me. Somehow, she was able to keep her bouncing pace without seeing where she was going. She definitely had skills.

“So, what does a human eat? Do you eat sugary things? Baked things? What do you eat, what do you eat, what do you eat?!?!”

“One question at a time there!” I sighed as I rubbed my forehead. Pinkie was still looking at me expecting an answer.

“Sugary things, yes. Baked things, yes. I also eat things that wouldn’t sit well with the rest of you…”

“Ooh…like what?” Pinkie said with more energy, if that was even possible.

“Well, meat for example.”

They remained silent, but not shocked. I figured in a colorful place like this, a creature like me that eats other creatures would absolutely disgust or terrify them. For once, I was glad to be wrong.

“Oh, is that it?” Twilight asked.

“You’re not really that surprised by that?” I said with my curiosity piqued.

“Not really. We may be ponies, but we do understand that not every creature in this world is an herbivore like us. Some creatures need meat to survive. Just so long as it isn't pony you eat, you’re all right to me.” Twilight said, looking back at me.

"No worries there. You look too colorful for my digestion to handle. Plus I don't think I could eat something I just had a conversation with."

My usual dry humor was making its impression on this land, with the usual misunderstood expressions looking back at me.

"It’s a joke. We don't eat your kind where I come from."

"You could've just told us that instead of making a joke about it." Twilight said, slightly annoyed.

"That was a joke? But it wasn't a funny ha-ha kind of joke...in fact it wasn't funny at all!" Pinkie Pie said as she bounced next to me.

"Could we keep moving? All this stopping to nitpick what he says is so boring!" Rainbow said, continuing to fly lazy circles around us.

Twilight decided to continue leading us towards the library as I spoke to her.

"So what were you saying about this place before you got side tracked by my dry humor?"

That appeared to bring her out of whatever funk she was in. I got the impression that she loved lecturing people, or ponies, rather. I really need a drink if I have to keep on referring to ponies, rather than people.

“Everything in this world works off of an unseen balance. A harmony if you will. While we appear to be bright, colorful, and full of happiness to you, there are still some evil things that even the princesses can't control.” Twilight continued.

“Princesses? You have princesses here?”

“We have a few princesses, but only two actually rule the land.”

“Wouldn’t that make them queens?”

“I suppose, but they never called themselves that. I’ll be sure to ask them in this letter I’ll be sending to Princess Celestia.”

“Wait, so you’re able to send letters to these princesses?”

“Of course. I am Princess Celestia’s personal student.”

Things were getting more confusing for me by the second. I needed that country pony’s alcoholic cider and I needed it now.

“Oh look, here we are!” Twilight said.

All I saw was a very large tree.

“It’s a tree…”

“The tree is the library…” Rainbow said.

“You have a library that’s a tree?”

“I also live there.” Twilight said.

All this new information was making my head hurt worse than usual. I I felt like I was going through alcohol withdrawal.

“So do you really think you can find out how I got here and how you can get me back home just from reading a couple of books?”

Why I didn’t ask this question before we arrived at the library eluded me.

“Well, I’m not sure, but you just got here. Why do you want to head back home so soon?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, and I didn’t even get a chance to prepare your “Welcome to Ponyville, Max Payne” party!” Pinkie added.

I looked from the group of ponies to the town that they lived in. It looked like something out of the middle ages, only more colorful and cheerful. It was clear to me that I didn’t belong here. Who knows what I’d end up doing to myself of any of these seemingly cheerful residents if I stayed here too long. If I’m not dodging bullets and killing bad guys, then I’m out of my element. It’s made worse by the lack of readily available alcohol, painkillers, and cigarettes.

“Max?”

Twilight’s words broke me from my own thoughts. I turned my attention back to the group of ponies. I could see concern in their eyes. These ponies didn’t want to harm me. They wanted to help me and, Pinkie especially, wanted to make me happy. I wasn’t used to this kind of thing. I wasn’t used to anyone wanting me to be happy in a long time.

“You OK, Max?” Twilight asked again, stepping closer to me.

There must be a reason why I ended up here. While I’m out of my comfort zone here, I knew I didn’t have a lot to look forward to going back to São Paulo. I might as well take the time to figure it out. Maybe by then, everything with the Comando Sombra and the Crachá Preto will have blown over. I decided to give Equestria a chance, and started by answering Twilight’s question.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

I heard a collective sigh of relief from the group. Glad to have made them happy, however long that’ll last.

“Well, come on now. Let’s get this research started. I’m sure the princesses will love to hear about this.”

“OK. Let’s.” I said.

Couple of hours and I’ve already got a fan

Max Payne and all related materials belonging to it are property of Rockstar Games
My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic belongs to Hasbro, I in no way make any profit from this story. This is a story of my own strange mind that I wish to share with the rest of you.

Chapter 2: Couple of hours and I’ve already got a fan

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I waited for the group to enter the library tree first before I followed, cautious of hitting my head on their unusually tall door for a bunch of Ponies…yet it still wasn’t tall enough for a human to enter, unless you ducked.

Inside I got the impression that the Library’s in a land full of Ponies don’t compare to the libraries back home. There were maybe two rooms full of books, and a set of stairs leading up to what looked like a bedroom without a door. There was also a distinct lack of chairs, not surprising considering the residents here were low enough to the ground that they didn’t need chairs.

I casually walked over to the stairs and decided to use them as my chair as I watched Twilight and the others have a little meeting around a table of a bust of a Unicorn. That bust brought more questions to the forefront of my mind, it joined the already staggering number of questions I had about this strange new place I found myself in.

Questions that I found out would end up doubling before the day’s end.

“Spike, Spike?” Twilight called out in the Library.

I wasn’t sure why she was calling out like she was until I heard footsteps at the top of the very staircase I sat on. As I slowly turned around I found another group of questions to be added to my ever growing list. What was standing at the top of the stairs was short, purple & green, and looked like a dinosaur. The coloring reminded me of that god-awful children’s cartoon from a few years ago…the mere image made me want to shoot it on principle alone. Then again doing so probably would wear out my welcome rather quickly, and I still didn’t know where the hell I was.

“Um Twilight, you do know there is a strange creature sitting on the stairs right?”

Then again, shooting it was sounding like a much better option than I initially thought.

“Yes Spike, we are all aware of it. And it’s a Human, called Max…you know if we have any books on unusual creatures in the Library?”

Funny, in my world I’m known as a drunken hired bodyguard with a tendency to screw up and kill people…Here I’m an ‘Unusual Creature’. I can’t say if it’s an improvement or a demotion…

“Um, wouldn’t those be under the mythical section, with the old Pony‘s tale?”

Twilight wandered over to the nearest bookshelf and her horn glowed like it did when she stopped me from smacking myself. Several books on the shelves were enveloped in that same color and flew down towards her. I was fascinated by this display of unknown power that I completely forgot there was a tiny dinosaur coming down the stairs to me.

“So, I’m Spike. Nice to meet you Max…” The Dinosaur spoke as it extended its stubby arm.

I eyed this hand carefully, noting the claws on each end. Suddenly Rainbow’s dismissal of my hand made sense. I cautiously extended my hand to his and finished the shake.

“So what are you exactly, a small dinosaur?”

“Dinosaur, what the hay is a dinosaur? I’m a dragon.”

I was coming to the slow realization that everything in this world is essentially a fairy tale story come to life. Unicorns, Pegasus, and now Dragons…

“A dragon, aren’t you a little small to be a dragon?”

“Spikey-Wikey is adorable baby dragon!” The white Unicorn, Rarity I think she was called, chimed in as she strolled over as the ‘baby’ dragon made his way past me down the stairs.

“Spikey-Wikey, ugh where’s that southern pony with my alcohol?”

As if on cue, the door to the library swung open revealing that very same southern accented pony.

“The name is Applejack, and I’ve got some of that cider right here. Now I ain’t giving all my stock to some new creature, so you’re gonna make do with what I brought ya’…”

On her back, balanced by some unforeseen measure were 4 jugs of my liquid savior. And being this was all like a cartoon they were the stereotypical moonshine jugs with three X’s on the sides. I didn’t know if there was another source of my liquid vice in this land, so I’d actually have to think on how to get drunk…a new challenge for me.

“Well are ya going to sit there and admire them or are you going to take ‘em?”

Applejack asked with a scowl on her face. Obviously she wasn’t too keen on dealing with me, or that she had to give up some of her stock to someone who just randomly showed up in their world. Not that I could blame her.

I leaned forward off the steps and was able to cautiously take all of the jugs off her back and set them down next to the stairs I was still sitting on. I pulled the cork out of one of the jugs and took a swig, not as strong as my usual scotch but it’ll have to do.

“Thank you, Applejack.”

“Don’t mention it, really. If ponies knew I had this stuff Berry Punch would clean me out faster than you would I imagine…”

I raised an eyebrow as the cowboy hat wearing pony walked away toward her friends who were currently looking over an ever growing stack of books. I didn’t completely understand what she meant by that, possibly that this land is a dry land…and even having this alcoholic cider is the equivalent of moonshine in the back woods of the Appalachian Mountains. I however, was interrupted from my thoughts on what the Pony version of police would look like by the close proximity of Rainbow’s flapping wings.

“So Max…” She was trying to sound sincere…at least I think she was. To me it sounded like a teenage girl about to ask an obvious stupid question.

“…You mind explaining why you called me a Gay Pride Poster?”

Looks like I was right…although I had no way to tell ages on these ponies, so I gave myself half credit before I answered her.

“Back where I’m from there are Males and Females”

“Well, duh…” Rainbow interrupted. The corner of my mouth curled up into a slight grin…oh how I was going to enjoy this...

“Anyway, when a man likes another man or when a female likes another female, then they’re known as Gay.”

“So, are you saying I’m gay with my friends?”

Good God it couldn’t really be this easy. I was starting to find it hard to keep from laughing.

“It’s not that kind of like, I’m talking about ‘wanting to get married and go to bed together’ kind of like…”

I watched as Rainbows face went from one of confusion to the realization of what I was saying.

“Oh, OH…”

“So, are you GAY with your friends?” I started to chuckle as Rainbow suddenly panicked over what she previously said.

“WHAT, GAH NO! NO WAY! They’re my friends! I wouldn’t- I mean…I never, we never…”

At this point I gently threw a punch into her front shoulder, much like you would do to a buddy after you gave him a good ribbing.

“Hey, hold your horses…I’m joking.”

A wave of relief passed over her as she suddenly decided to stop hovering and land next to me on the stairs. Noticing this, I decided against what good judgment I had left to continue pushing buttons…

“You did hesitate on answering me there you know…”

“No I didn’t”

“Rainbow, I used to be a cop. I know when someone’s lying to me…”

“I’m not GAY!” She shouted.

Everyone in the room stopped and looked in our direction, Rainbow realized just what she did and started to sweat…and blush. If I was a little girl I’d probably find this whole situation adorable, but as a grown man I was just as uncomfortable as she was. Deciding I’ve pushed one too many buttons I took the initiative.

“So, do you actually have ponies that uphold the law here?”

That seemed to distract the group from all the shocked stares and to go back to the research they were doing. Rainbow breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t actually expect an answer, it was just something to distract them from the mess I apparently got myself into.

“I’m not gay…” She practically growled through clenched teeth at me before she gave me what she thought was an angry look.

“I was joking…you just found out what Gay means; I wasn’t actually calling you gay.”

“But, that still doesn’t explain why you called me a Gay Pride Poster…”

At this point continuing on this conversation would’ve been detrimental to these six helping me, and if I didn’t just mix cider with an unknown alcohol by volume content and my pain killers I wouldn’t have answered.

“These Gay people use the Rainbow colors as their flag. They call it pride, and they use a Rainbow Colored flag…”

Rainbow’s pupils shrank from their usual saucer shape to incredibly tiny…I didn’t think that was actually possible. Then again, what I thought was impossible was slowly getting erased today.

“So…I’m a symbol for gay humans?!?”

“Well, not you specifically just your coloring.”

“Oh that just makes it SOOOO much better…” she snarled.

“We aren’t in my world, so you have nothing to worry about…”

Rainbow’s shoulders shrugged.

“At least they picked something awesome for their symbol…”

“…sure that’s one way to look at it.”

Deciding to end this torturing conversation I decided to move over to the pile of books that hid the others in their attempt at figuring out what I am and if I could even get back home.

“So what’s the good word?”

I asked before I took another swig from the cider jug. Twilight looked up from the pile of discarded books, her ears pinned back against her head, and whatever she found out wasn’t good.

“So it’s that bad?”

“Truthfully, I don’t know…I knew we had books on mythical creatures and old tales, but I can’t find them…and I don’t think the girls are having much luck either.”

I looked across the group of them, seeing nothing but worried faces. It was then that I started reflecting on why I am here…what brought me here? I learned a long time ago that you only have the illusion of having multiple choices in life. The reality is like a forked lightning bolt, it only seems like you have multiple choices when in reality you only have one. And if you didn’t make the choice you did, you’d be someone completely different wondering a different set of ‘what ifs’.

Perhaps it was the recent events in Brazil with the death of my employer at his office and his still missing wife. My own incompetence and intoxication was the cause of this mess, but why would I end up here? It didn’t make any sense. It’s a giant jigsaw puzzle, only with most of the pieces missing. My thoughts were interrupted by the baby dragon’s shouting from across the room.

“Hey Twilight, you know most of those books have been checked out right?” Spike asked.

“What, who would do such a thing?!? I need those books here!”

“Uh Twi, you do realize you live in a Library right?” Applejack asked…

Apparently that little tidbit of information was not part of Twilight’s knowledge as the realization passed over her.

“Um…right, I knew that. So who took the books out?”

“Do you really have to ask?” Spike deadpanned.

“Spike who do you…wait, you mean…Ugh, not her again!”

“Yep, Lyra has them again…”

“I swear there’s something wrong with that pony. Always obsessing over things that don’t exist…” Rarity was saying before she realized I was standing behind her.

“Oh, right. No offense Max…” She said nervously.

“It’ll take a lot more than that to offend me.”

“Oh, alright then…so Twilight what’s the plan?” Rarity continued.

“Well, probably go see Lyra and see if we can get those books back.”

“Sounds simple enough, well what are we waiting for?” Rainbow asked as she did a few flips in the air.

I tilted my head to the right, cracking my neck in the process before I started towards the door.

“Let’s get this over with…” I said as I grabbed the door handle.

As soon as I grabbed it, Twilights glowing magic kept it from opening on me. I turned back towards her.

“Max, you can’t go with us! You’ll cause a riot, pandemonium, chaos!” She pleaded, with me.

“Look, I have no idea how long I’m going to be stuck here, so I might as well make the most of it. And if they decide to get their torches and pitchforks to get me…let’s just say I can handle myself.”

“Yeah Twilight who wants to stay cooped up in the Library all day, he’s going to have to head outside eventually.”

Rainbow said as she flew up to my side, earning an angry glare from Twilight.

“Um…Twilight…I kind of agree with them…” Fluttershy said quietly.

For the most part the timid little Pegasus stayed quiet and away from me, I couldn’t make heads or tails of her…kind and sweet one moment, and then shy and nervous the next.

“But Fluttershy, think about what all the other ponies will think, what will they say?!”

Twilight looked like she was on the verge of a meltdown, over thinking things tends to have a similar effect on most humans too. Perhaps she would benefit from some alcoholic cider as well…

“Besides Twilight, maybe he could find something to do around town?” Spike added.

It seemed as though I got the majority vote in my favor, Twilight eventually lowered her shoulders in defeat.

“Alright, you win. Let’s get this over with…”

The confidence of the group was high; I on the other hand wasn’t so sure of my decision. Right now the only experience I had with talking small animals was these seven creatures here. What the whole town would make of me is a completely different situation. Let alone this resident who took out these books.

Sure I had my Beretta strapped to my chest, but I only had 3 extra magazines for it, and a shootout with a bunch of pastel colored small horses wouldn’t make me the greatest being to ever cross into town. That and the fact I don’t know what to make of this land’s ‘Princesses’ and what they’d do to me if it came down to that.

I took another swig from my Cider jug before I plugged the top and set it aside. Walking around with something I’d been told not to let any ‘pony’ see I figured the slight buzz I had would do for the trip into town. By the time I set the bottle down by the stairs I already had the group of ponies waiting impatiently for me outside.

“You coming with us Spike?” I asked.

The baby dragon shrugged his shoulders at me.

“No thanks, Twilight wants me to send a message to Princess Celestia about your arrival and about getting you back home.”

“Do I have anything to worry about as far as the Princess is concerned?”

“Not really, unless you go on a rampage while you’re out on the town I wouldn’t worry too much about it”

The words offered little encouragement, if they knew how my luck ran a rampage through town seemed about due. Then again outright panic was far more likely…

I waved to Spike as I closed the door behind me, again outside in the incredibly too colorful world these ponies live in. Twilight was already at the front of the pack, ready to lead her friends into the unknown scrutiny a newcomer like myself was about to bring.

Twilight waited till I walked up beside her before she started walking, leading the group of her friends and myself into town. To say I was apprehensive was a gross understatement.

The streets of this town they called ‘Ponyville’ was rather bustling not adding to my uneasiness. Dozens of pastel colored ponies wandered around what I assumed was the main street. For the most part they minded their own business, not paying any attention to the six foot tall strange creature walking with six other ponies. I caught a few that noticed me and stared for a moment before they turned back to what they were doing.

I felt like I was back in New York, where residents don’t even bother to give you the time of day. Only here it’s more colorful, and…happy. Then again there was the few that did audibly gasp when they saw me, but they did nothing more than that.

“I have to say, I’m quite surprised the town isn’t in a massive panic…” Rarity said, looking around at all the other ponies.

“Apparently we underestimated how the residents would react. Then again there have been some crazy things happening in this town so…” Twilight trailed off.

“So who has these books again?”

“Lyra, Lyra Heartstrings…she’s a little infatuated with some pony myths. Constantly saying things like ‘high five’, playing a ridiculous game called ‘rock, paper, and scissors’ and rambling about hands…” Twilight trailed off as she gave me a completely surprised look. She caught what she was doing just a bit after I did, I gave her a smirk.

“Doesn’t seem that farfetched now does it?”

To further amuse myself I held my hand out just at Twilight’s eye-level.

“High-Five!”

I was rewarded by Applejack and Rainbow chuckling while Twilight rolled her eyes before she continued on ahead.

“What, you going to leave me hanging?”

I was suddenly surprised when Pinkie Pie appeared in front of me and met my comedic attempt at messing with Twilight with a hoof right in the palm of my hand. I have no idea how she was able to just appear, but judging by the non-interested looks of her friends it was par for the course. Shaking my head I just continued after the Purple Unicorn.

I must admit the ability to poke fun at someone without the threat of getting shot was rather refreshing. I sure was making at least two of the fellow ponies happy with my antics. Little did I know how happy I’d make a completely unknown to me pony.

“Hey Twilight, I can see Lyra over by Sugar Cube Corner!” Rainbow pointed to a building in the not so distant, distance.

The building itself looked like a giant ginger bread house, I half expected to see Hansel and Gretel being lured in by a green skinned witch.

Outside of the confectionary building my eyes were drawn to one pony in particular…the only one who seemed to notice me.

It was a Unicorn, and going off of the name I heard Twilight say it was a she. Minty green coat, with the same green and white mane & tail. The mark on her side directly corresponded to her name, a trait that I’ve noticed more and more on our walk into town. I could tell by the shocked look on her face that she couldn’t believe what she was seeing, but I also saw the unbridled excitement in those big golden eyes.

I’ve only been in this world a couple of hours and I’ve already got a fan.

Within seconds of noticing me the Mint Unicorn was upon me. Speaking at such a frantic pace I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. A glance at the surrounding group revealed that they couldn’t understand her either. Even the over hyper Pinkie Pie was dumbstruck by how Lyra was acting…

Eventually it took Twilight and her purple field of magical energy to pull her away and procure a paper bag so she could control her hyperventilating.

“Well Max, seems you have a number one fan here. Welcome to the club!” Rainbow said as let out a laugh.

I didn’t pay any attention to her at the moment, Lyra had myself captivated. I can’t say exactly what it was about her, maybe a strange creature in an unknown land having someone else who’s a big fan of what or who you are drew my interest.

I couldn’t say for certain, and I wouldn’t know if I’d actually feel like this when I talked to her. But knowing no matter what I have someone I can rely on gave me some added comfort.

After a few moments the Mint Green Unicorn was able to coherently speak…

“ohmygoshIcan’tbelieveitsahuman!”

Well, almost coherently.

“Lyra, BREATH. He’s not going anywhere…calm down and try that again…” Twilight said calmly.

Another deep breath and Lyra looked like she was composed enough to talk.

“Sorry…it’s just so exiting! I mean a real human here in Equestria! I’m just so exited, and I just can’t hide it!”

The groans I heard around me told me that the ponies also caught the pun, adding another question of ‘how the hell do you know these things?’ to my list of weird and unknown shit to ask these ponies.

“Yes, we can tell. And that’s why we’re here.”

Twilight was doing a very good job of talking the other Unicorn down from her excitement. I’m sure the NYPD would love to have her as a Hostage Negotiator with her ability to act calm, cool and collected under pressure…well except for that one time she was about to lose it. Hey, apparently not even Ponies can be perfect.

“Here, wait…why are you here to see me? I mean I’m honored to meet a human being as I thought that I’d never actually see one. But why are you here to see me?”

“You checked out all the books on Pony Mythology and Legends, and we actually need to look through them to get a better understanding of what a human actually is.”

“Well why can’t you simply just ask him?”

A couple of hairs stuck out of Twilights mane as one of her eyes began to twitch. The question obviously struck a chord with the book smart Unicorn.

“Yeah, why the hay didn’t we just ask him? Why did we need these books anyway?”

Rainbow added as she hovered upside down beside Twilight, if anything her addition made Twilights eye twitch a little more.

“Probably because I’m too focused on how to get drunk and if I could get back home…”

I didn’t think I needed to say what I did, but Twilight looked like she was about to blow a gasket. I know what that looks like in my world and how to appropriately deal with it. Usually two to the head…I don’t think that would work here. And being she was a Unicorn a lot more were endanger from her loosing it than just me.

“Well, he does make a point there. So Lyra, you think you can bring those books back to the library? We do need to go over them after all.”

The southern-like drawl of Applejack, strange but it was actually rather soothing to listen to now. I’m so used to Guido assholes wanting to put a bullet in me that an accent like hers was refreshing. Also, much unlike my time in Brazil I could actually understand what was being said.

“Oh of course! I’d be glad to help! He’ll be there too right? It is a he isn’t it?”

I buried my face in my hand; apparently leaving the cider back at the library wasn’t a good idea after all. It wasn’t their fault; they’ve never seen me or my kind in the flesh before. But all these questions…questions a child would ask…God did I need a drink. And making it last was going to be a problem.

“Yes Lyra, it’s a he…and he will be there. Won’t you Max?”

I chuckled slightly; apparently Twilight was picking up on my growing annoyance.

“Where else am I going to go? Besides, I got my booze there…”

“Booze? What’s booze?” Lyra asked scratching her head.

“It’s something that Berry Punch likes to have, let’s put it that way.” Rarity chimed in.

“Oh, alright…I’ll be at the library in a flash!”

Surprisingly there was a bright flash of gold light and Lyra was simply gone. Yet the only one baffled by the scene was me.

“I hope Lyra perfected the teleportation spell, last time she found herself in an interesting situation.” Twilight chuckled to herself as we slowly turned back towards the Library.

“You mean that time she teleported herself fifteen feet above the lake? Or the time she teleported into the shower with my brother?” Applejack asked.

This bit of news brought the entire group to a standstill.

“Wait, you mean Lyra actually TELEPORTED into the shower of your house while Big Macintosh was showering?!?” Rainbow asked rubbing her head.

I heard a subtle laughter slightly behind me, and when I turned I certainly wasn’t expecting the shy Fluttershy to be the one laughing…judging by the red in hers and Rarity’s faces, the two of them were trying very hard to contain their laughter.

“Yep, she sure as sugar did. Ah, I can still hear them both screaming out of sheer shock and embarrassment now…”

Applejack actually took her hat off as she laughed to herself, as if mourning the passing of a dear friend. Or in this case, some dirt to throw on her brother. Sibling Rivalries, something else this world and mine had in common.

“Well, at least they didn’t have to take a cold shower afterward…”

My attempted joke went over as well I might’ve expected. Doing nothing but bring blank stares.

“I don’t get it? Is humor something you don’t quite grasp where you’re from?”

The cheerful voice of Pinkie Pie. Too bad it didn’t actually cheer me up at that moment.

“Trust me Pinkie; if you’ve seen what I have…you’d have the same sense of humor.”

“Well, you’ll just have to explain it to me tomorrow!”

“Tomorrow, Pinkie you’re not coming back to the library with us?” Twilight asked.

“I would love to spend more time getting to know Max better, but the Cakes have a big order to fill and I promised I’d watch after the twins!”

Pinkie seemed slightly sad, although it was hard to tell. The pink pony didn’t stop hopping since we left the library. I said my goodbye as did the rest of the group before we started walking back to the library, the group staying mostly quiet for the trip. I wasn’t surprised when Applejack and Rarity split from the group, one tending to the farm and the other her boutique…I didn’t even know Ponies here wore clothes, hell I didn’t see anyone wearing clothes. So how the hell does she stay in business?

As we entered the Library, I noticed that the giant mess of books Twilight left behind was now gone, stacked back up on the bookshelves. The place was actually sparkling clean.

I made a beeline for the jug of cider and quickly downed a few mouthfuls of the stuff, relishing the soothing burn and it went down my throat. I quickly determined that in order to survive in this world I would have to find some more alcoholic substances to keep me functioning.

The bright gold flash at the top of the stairs caught my attention, and sure enough Lyra appeared at the top of the stairs…and four feet off the ground.

“Hey Twilight I-WHOAAA!!!”

It was very comical to watch the Unicorn unceremoniously tumble down the stairs and land in a heap at the bottom.

“So you didn’t perfect Teleporting…”

Twilight sighed as she made her way over to Lyra and helped her to her feet…or hooves…

“Do I even want to know where you appeared when you left the town square?”

“Oh, it wasn’t as bad as that time with the lake…”

Lyra nervously laughed it off, I could tell she wanted the conversation dropped, but the wound was already opened and the fresh blood attracted the sharks to come in for the kill.

“How about the time with Big Macintosh and the shower?” Rainbow asked with a slight smirk.

“Oh, heh-heh…you heard about that?”

The Green Unicorn was now rubbing a leg behind her head; I could see the sweat start beading on her forehead.

“Um Rainbow…perhaps…just maybe…”

Fluttershy’s voice was nearly lost under the wing beats of Rainbow Dash who still hovered in the air.

“So, where did you end up this time Lyra?” Twilight deadpanned as she lifted the bags off of Lyra’s back.

“Oh, no where special…just behind…..” Lyra trailed off leaving all of us guessing.

“I’m sorry what did you say?” Twilight asked

“It was just behind the…” Again she trailed off.

“Look where did you teleport behind? It can’t be that embarrassing…”

I stepped in figuring that the one outright fan of my species wouldn’t be as timid or embarrassed as her peers.
Lyra’s mood change was drastic, apparently I thought right. Her body language changed from tension and on edge to one of relaxation. Apparently my alcohol consumption did nothing to damper my cop instincts and ability to read people…well Ponies in this case.

“It was behind the bookcase…I teleported behind the bookcase.”

“Well, not the worst place you’ve teleported to now is it?”

I reached down and ran my hand through her mane much the same you’d do to a dog that curled up at your feet seeking attention. Only here it had a profoundly different effect...She fainted.

Fluttershy rushed up to the fainted unicorn while Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and I looked on completely dumbstruck.

“Well…didn’t see that coming…”

“Smooth move Max…and I was going to ask her about Big Mac in the shower…”

“RAINBOW!”

I shook my head; the last thing I needed to hear was girl gossip from a bunch of ponies. Such an image would make me sick to my stomach.

“Look, you can ask her in all detail about that later when I’m not here…I hear enough of that shit at home I don’t need to associate it with a bunch of pastel colored ponies.”

It took Fluttershy only a few moments to bring the downed Unicorn back from the unintended nap; the yellow Pegasus certainly has some skills when it comes to handling a fainted Unicorn.

“It’s ok Lyra…just try take it easy…”

Even her timid voice was perfect for this kind of thing. I figured I should probably use this time in this world to get to know these ponies around me…at least then I’d feel more comfortable around them then I currently did.

“Oh my…I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to faint…but it’s just so…”

I held my hands up, causing Lyra to stop and just watch me.

“You don’t have to apologize to me; I understand this is completely new to you. Trust me it’s new to me as well. Just take it one piece at a time.”

That was enough to get her to understand, now actually talking to me seem to wear off the sheer joy of seeing something she once though existed only in a book. Now with these 4 here with Spike could they better understand what a human being actually is, according to their mythology anyway. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just tell them all there is about humans myself. The reason for that was quite simple, I hate explaining things. I’d rather my gun do the explaining for me. I was never a person who told stories or tales, I lived here and now, what happened in the past is just that. Apparently the phrase ‘Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it’ was a key moment I seemed to have glossed over.

I took my seat back on the stairs as I watched the two Unicorns use their glowing magic to pull the books out of the bags. One book for each of them, this worked out better than expected…I had a feeling I wouldn’t get a chance to rest, but answering the questions that those books would probably bring up. So long as it was simple yes and no answers I was completely fine with that.

--------

As it turned out, I couldn’t actually get away with a simple yes or no answer for their questions. If anything I could count how many single word answers I gave on one hand…at least I would if I wasn’t in my more typical drunken state.

Some of the things put in those books were absolute bullshit…or in this case horseshit. Can humans breath fire, can they fly, can we breathe underwater…there was no simple answer to those questions…they all involved complex answers I wasn’t too keen of giving. But after I finished off the first jug of cider I was inebriated enough to answer them in detail that would satisfy the two bookworm Unicorns.

In fact I went so in detail with my explanations that it was already dark out. I didn’t really pay attention to the time, there was no clock that I could see in the library and I was drunk enough to not care. I was just finishing up my explanation of what a helicopter was when Twilight noticed the time.

“…and it’s got these angled blades up top…rotors I think they’re called. And they spin fast enough to generate lift. And that’s one of the means humans use to fly…other than jets of course…”

“Ok, so you have motorized carriages you call ‘cars’, trains, planes, boats and helicopters? Those sound so AWESOME!!!”

The fact that Rainbow Dash was so enthralled by my explanations of motorized vehicles was understandable, she liked to fly…and with a name like ‘Dash’ I’d assumed she liked to fly fast.

“Oh my, it’s already dark out!”

“Oh my goodness, I have to get back to feed my animals!”

“Well, we should probably call it a day; I’ve got to clear the sky tomorrow after all.”

I raised an eyebrow quizzically. Most of the afternoon was spent getting to know humans, I still didn’t have much of a grasp on how things work here, other than unicorns had magic and Pegasus could fly. Then again it looked like I might be here a little while so I’d have all the time to figure this world out…with my luck I’d know everything there is about this place just as they find a way to send me back home.

“Oh, I could teleport you guys back if you want?”

Lyra asked enthusiastically. The response was practically unanimous.

“NO!!”

Laughing at their outbursts I cautiously got to my feet, an idea already in my mind of what to do…

“Come on, I’ll walk you ladies home…”

Judging by the dumbfounded stares I was getting, I don’t think they expected me to offer that.

“But Max, you don’t know your way around!”

Twilight did have a point, but the town itself didn’t look overly complicated for an armed drunk like me to navigate.

“I’ll be fine, just look for the giant tree that’s also a Library. No problem”

Judging by the looks they were giving me they didn’t really buy it.

“Maybe I should head with them, you know…just in case.”

“That’s a good idea Rainbow, you sure it’s no trouble?”

“No trouble at all Twilight, easy-peasy…”

With Twilight satisfied that I was being chaperoned there and back she walked us up to the front door.

“Max, just please be careful…we don’t need you causing an incident…I don’t even know what Princess Celestia will have to say about this whole thing. So please, please stay out of trouble.”

“You have nothing to worry about. I’ll be back before you know it…”

“Probably have to sleep off your hangover after all…”

Rainbow muttered loud enough for me to hear. She had her back to me, which made my retaliation even easier. I simply put my hand up and flicked the back of her left ear.

“OW! What was that for?”

“I heard that…”

Without much drama we slowly exited the library and started our way through town. Once the sun dipped below the horizon the place transformed into a ghost town. Strange how a simple change in the day can change the whole aura of a town. I’ve seen it before, but it instills a feeling of evil foreboding that keeps you on edge.

“Um…Max?”

The quiet voice of Fluttershy caught my attention. Being I had hardly heard her said a word the entire day I was surprised I still remembered what her voice sounded like.

“Yeah?”

“I…I’m just curious…you told us all about all the great things Humans did…but…well…”

She trailed off again, either too nervous to finish or not sure how to word what she was going to say…

“…well, we still don’t know a lot about you?”

“Well, what exactly did you want to know about me?”

I figured it was a matter of time before this topic was brought up again. Keeping what I do for a living under wraps from this world of bright colors and happy residents can only last so long, like all secrets people start to notice that somethings off the longer it goes on. It was the only smart thing I did up to that point, I could have kept dodging the question and kept the charade going on for as long as I could. But thanks to my renewed drinking the ability to dodge the question was getting harder by the second.

“Well…basically….everything…if that’s alright with you…”

Everything…that was a loaded question if there ever was one, being I didn’t want to do this walk in an awkward silence I decided to just answer the question. It was the least I could do for the shy yellow Pegasus.

“I used to be a police officer, someone who protects people from other people who do bad things…”

The three of them nodded their heads in understanding…It made me wonder about the throw away question I asked Rainbow earlier in the day. Did even had a police force or a ‘police pony force’ in this land?

“…anyways I was married and we just had a kid. Then my wife and child were killed by some drugged out junkies sent by my wife’s employer because my wife was nosing around in what the company was doing…”

The ears flattened out against their heads, I seen it just a few times that day but I could tell that this was a sign that they were rather upset. Granted someone telling you their family was killed is not something you’d listen to without feeling some level of remorse.

“After that, I joined with my friends division and went undercover to find who was responsible for putting the drugs the junkies that killed my family were high on at the time.”

There was a little lie in that. Only because I didn’t want to get sidetracked explaining to them what the DEA was and how it functioned.

“That led to me watching my friend getting killed right in front of me, my cover being blown and then going on a murderous killing spree that ended with the person responsible for killing my family getting crushed by a mast that fell on their helicopter…”

To say the group of ponies was surprised was an understatement. They were shocked. From there they just silently listened as I continued my sad dark tale that was my life. From meeting Mona, to the incidents with Vlad, the culmination of losing my job and eventually my drunken escapades in Hoboken right up to me working protection for Rodrigo Bronco...there I was hoping they could see the pattern of events that seemed to follow me wherever I went. From Fabiana getting kidnapped to the events at Bronco’s office that for me was the day before I got here I told them everything…which judging by their expressions was not a good thing. The three of them stopped walking around this time, allowing me to walk further ahead of them…probably frozen in fear of what I might do to them. I can’t say I blamed them, just finding out this seemingly nice newcomer is actually a stone cold killer with little regard for human life does have a profound effect on someone.

“You…you’ve ended lives?”

Fluttershy was shaking where she stood, Lyra had a blank stare on her face and Rainbow stopped flying and was now standing on the ground. Clearly what I told them had an impact.

“Believe me, it wasn’t a choice I was proud to make…”

“B-but…it sounds like you’ve…killed….killed so many…”

“What can I say…trouble seems to follow me wherever I go…”

It didn’t matter what I did or where I did it, somehow trouble knew my every move and decided to show up when I least expected it. I’d let the cat out of the bag, these three knew what I really was...A killer, a sad pathetic man who had everything he ever loved taken away from him and then went on a bloody rampage to get justice. Justice was such a hollow feeling…sure they bad guys were brought down, but it’d never bring back what you lost.

“So you’ve…you killed, willingly…” Rainbow took a step back.

“I didn’t have a choice. Humans are more complex than you think…we do things that are completely foreign to you. We don’t always choose the path we’re on, sometimes life just seems to say screw you and ruin everything you ever wanted. Not every human is a good person, a lot of them are backstabbing bastards looking to ruin your life the first chance they get. We aren't as happy, cheerful and colorful as you are here. My worlds dark, full of violence, death, anger, depression...That’s why I am the way I am. I’m the result of the shit hitting the fan on several occasions...and trying to pick up the pieces afterward...”

I turned away from them as I continued on my rant, unsure of what exactly I was doing or why I was doing it. Could they have really made this much of a impact on me in just the short time I've been here?

"...This isn't a world for me...I haven't been in a place where everything's so goddamned perfect in my life. I never thought I'd miss the horror show that became my life but for Christ's Sake I'm missing it now..."

Rainbow Dash’s ears came up off her head as did the other two. Apparently what I said was making some sense to them but I could see they were still hesitant. Then, much to my surprise Fluttershy stepped forward from them and came right to my feet, rubbing her head against my leg much the same a dog would.

“You’re not a bad pony, you’ve just been forced to make some bad choices…”

Now it was my turn to be dumbstruck, my little drunken speech was able to take easily the most terrified one of them on to being the one to support me? Either I drank too much or not enough for this to make sense.

“After all that, you’re the one who still supports me? Why?”

“I take care of animals…all animals. I’ve seen some mean creatures come to me who need help…I don’t really understand them, but they know I’m the pony to go to if they need something patched up…”

“So, you’re the unofficial vet of Ponyville? How does that relate to me?”

“…Creatures that have come to me, have had to make some tough decisions, I can tell in their face and how they carry themselves that they had to do something’s that they didn’t want to do, but they have to. I see those same things in you Max.”

It was comforting to here, I didn’t know how much of it I believed or if it even made sense to me…at that moment I really just wanted to have this trip come to an end.

Fluttershy’s actions seemed to be something the other two could agree with as I soon found them right up with her giving me the same puppy dog eyes. It was a tender moment if I ever knew one…and I haven’t known one in quite a while.

Like all tender moments, this one had to come to an end. I still had to escort these girls back to their homes before I eventually returned to the library. The journey took us to Fluttershy’s cottage first, Lyra wanted to stick with me, I could only assume she like the others were touched by my speech and wanted to see it through to the end.

The forest butted right against Fluttershy’s home, that same forest that I showed up on the edge of earlier this morning. Only now the forest looked even more menacing than it did earlier…

I kept watching it, expecting something evil with an urge to kill me comes jumping out of the darkened forest and rip my face off. I was only vaguely aware that the three of them stopped after we crossed the small bridge leading to the front door.

“Well, it looks like we have made it without any incident.” Lyra breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, for once I’m glad nothing happened…” Rainbow added.

The howl of a wolf from the nearby woods froze everyone in place. My attention went from the three ponies back to the forest. Why I took my eyes off the forest I still don’t know, maybe I was distracted by the quaintness that was a cottage made out of a tree near the forest, who knows…

All I did know was my lack of judgment has again put girls in danger, good move Max...at least I'm on par for every other terrible incident in my life…

The three of them turned towards the sound faster than I did, and all three were not looking any better than they did when we heard the howl. My first sign that things had gone from bad for worse…only how worse I didn’t know.

The wood line was much the same as before, except for the three sets of seemingly glowing yellow eyes staring back at us, and the growl that could only belong to a wolf.

“Shit…”