Next stop: Undead Parish! No, wait a minute…

I was standing in the middle of a green pasture. The sky was blue, the sun looked cartoony and had a smiley face, and the cool breeze carried on it the scent of fresh pine.

Oh, and there were Care Bears. “Good day, kind sir!” greeted a bubbly green mustached bear with a monocle, coming only up to my waist. I almost stabbed him in the throat to save myself the displeasure of having to hear his voice. You’ll get your violence in time, Ladarion. “And welcome to our humble―”

“Let’s cut to the chase,” I interrupted. “Y’all got anything that needs to be deadified? I’m in the mood to hurt somethin’.”

“W-What? Why, I would never―”

“That’s a yes or no question, bear. Now answer or I’ll consider hurtin’ you.”

The bear bumbled and looked around nervously before turning back to me, a grave expression on his face. “Come with me, human.” I followed as he about-faced and meandered with some destination in mind. “And for future reference, you may call me Mayor Bear,” he said, tipping his top hat.

“Didn’t ask, but alright.”

“...We have a bit of a walk ahead of us. Why not get to know one another better?”

“Look, friend, for all I know you’re some corrupt psychopath who steals from the poor to line his pockets and is more interested in seeing what use I am as a tool of reckoning than in what value I hold as a person. And at this point, I wouldn’t blame that way of thinking, honestly. So if you’re just wondering what I can do for you, just spill it. No sense wasting both of our time on pointless decorum.”

Amusingly, he didn’t bother telling me that I was wrong. “And what makes you so sure of this conjecture?”

“I’ve been in plenty of places that were friendly and sunshiney on the outside, with an air of innocence meant to ensnare the naive. But underneath that endearing wrapper of sweetness is shit, a world of nightmarish brutality and underhanded contrivances. Places like these are like fly traps in that regard. And I most certainly am not going to be the ignorant little fly if I can help it.”

I looked down at Mayor Bear, the cogs spinning in the fluffy little lad’s head. Finally, he gave a small chuckle as he took off his monocle and top hat. “Hold these, if you would.”

Taking the offered items in hand, I asked, “Why are you giving me… these…” Before my very eyes, the bite-sized, prim Mayor Bear transformed, growing larger and more bestial in appearance. His claws lengthened, his irises shrunk, and his fur darkened in color. I beheld an actual bear.

A grizzly with a Monopoly mustache. Today’s been an interesting day.

Looming over me on his hind legs, the mayor dropped to all fours, huffing in what appeared to be exhaustion as his more predatory gaze returned to me. Growling, he nodded his head toward his back. It took me a moment to take the hint, his sudden growth spurt leaving me speechless. When I collected my bearings, I sheathed the sword, noticing that I had subconsciously drawn it thinking I would need to defend myself, and, shrugging, hopped on Mayor Bear’s back. I made certain to toss his monocle in his top hat, holding it in the hand gripping my sword so as to not provoke the mayor’s ire by accidentally dropping it.

No sooner did I grab the pelt of his neck with a hand when the big green ball of fur took off, bolting at an insane speed. And let me tell you, although that was one less thing on the bucket list (my other two being grow a beard and get back home), that. Shit. Hurt. With every motion, it felt like I was going to literally bust my balls. I’d never ridden anything before, but I tried alleviating my pain to a mild extent by leaning my chest forward, resting it on Mayor Bear’s back, while lifting my crotch as far away from the beast’s back as possible.

Adrenaline boiled in my veins, and since I’d seen my life flash before my very eyes quite a number of times by that point, I chose to cut to the part where I was beating Four-Eyes purple. It wasn’t until the mayor spoke up that I realized we had stopped. “Off,” he ordered, voice deep and guttural.

I swiftly complied, sliding off his back and landing on the ground. Numbly searching the area, I noticed we were in a forest clearing at the foot of a large mountain, a large cave entrance hovering menacingly above. Turning my gaze back to the mayor, I noticed he was staring at me strangely. “I think… I’d’ve preferred… walking and talking,” I said breathlessly.

That got a smile out of him, something I never wanted to see again due to his rows of sharp, flesh-rending teeth. He waved me over, taking the top hat and monocle and putting them on. Again, he shrank down to his original size, standing on two legs. Clearing his throat, Mayor Bear looked to the entrance of the cave. “This is the abode of Bigby, or whom my citizens have taken to calling 'the Big Bad Wolf’.” My heart sunk at that. “He has kidnapped one of the residents of the forest, a young lass named Little Red Riding Hood, after devouring and posing as her grandmother. Other crimes to which he is guilty include the slaughter of a mine of elves, the vandalization of private property belonging to a family of pigs, and making a young boy cry.” Mayor Bear grimaced, narrowing his eyes. “Yes, quite the brute indeed. You may do whatever is necessary to return the girl to safety, but be warned, the wolf is a master of deception. Few have had the grit to face him, and fewer still have had an encounter with the Big Bad Wolf and lived to tell the tale. You don’t earn a title like that without living up to it, I suppose.” Mayor Bear abruptly turned and began walking away, waving a paw. “Well, in you go, then. Use any action necessary to bring the girl back. Alive, of course. Exercise caution, don’t die, yada yada, and, oh!” He turned right back around. “Take this handkerchief. Wouldn’t want a strong, fearless individual such as yourself worrying over ruining his attire with the tears and blood of a ferocious, ghastly maneater, hm?”

Confusion, and a little more dread, racked my mind as I took the item from the bear, wondering where the hell he pulled it from. “What do I get out of this?”

Mayor Bear rose a brow. “Oh, the simple joy of helping out your fellows doesn’t strike you as its own reward?” he asked sarcastically. At my blank stare, he sighed. “Feh, everyone’s a critic,” he whispered. He spoke up again, looking at me with a shrewd gaze. “No need to worry, friend. I will see to it that you are handsomely rewarded upon the return of the living Red Riding Hood. Gold and blood, that should suit a hunter such as yourself.”

Before he turned again, I called, “Wait!”

“Ugh, what is it now, ape?”

“How am I supposed to get back to you if I’ve never even stepped foot in your town?”

That got a grim smile out of him. “Lovey Dovey Township, ‘where the sun is bright, and smiles are brighter!’” The smile then dropped back to a neutral face. “Follow the North Star should you travel during the night, which I highly recommend not doing; follow Red Riding Hood should you travel during the day. And if that will be all…?” At the nod of my head, he gave a quick bow, spinning on his heel and likely thankful of being rid of me and my questions.

I breathed deeply, trying to rediscover my mental and emotional equilibrium as I stretched my arms and legs, not wanting to be cramped up when I was getting gobbled by Bigby. I bounced around, dancing and probably making a right imbecile of myself in front of the cave, shaking all the heeby jeebies out and psyching myself up for the next big near-death experience of my life.

Welp, this is fair enough, I suppose. I did want to fight something, after all…

“Green prick probably don’t really care either way whether I kill Wolfie, Wolfie kills me, or the both of us manage to kill each other. So you know what? Just to spite him, I’m gonna kill this son of a gun so thoroughly, he’ll die to death. That’ll teach him for mocking me.”

Taking the sword in one hand, and my pride in the other, I moved onward into the belly of the beast.

Five minutes later, I was running back out, more of those stupid bats tailing me as I dove into the fading rays of sunlight outside. They all spontaneously combusted, ash piles hitting the ground as I panted.

What are those fuckers made of, paper?

I got back to my feet, feeling much more high strung than usual. I could have blamed it on gas, but I knew that deep down I was scared because this was the first time I would be walking into a dangerous situation willingly, instead of being thrust into one and being forced to rely on my instincts.

I shuffled my feet forward, the flame fueling my desire to fight still burning, but at this point it was merely embers. Why am I doing this? I don’t give a damn about this red riding bitch, I don’t want to fight a giant, deadly wolf, and I definitely don’t need no gold here. It wasn’t a sense of heroism or bravery, so I just chalked it up to me being stupid again, which was in my mind a perfectly legitimate conclusion to arrive to. What’s that saying we all used to hear in elementary school before everyone realized it was just a crock of malarkey? “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but wolves will never eat me?” Something like that, right? Right.

Every shadow still creeped me the fuck out, and I made sure to turn my heart-torch on every one that even looked at me funny. Trying to control my breathing, I moved deeper into the bowels of the cave. All around me were shadows, but fortunately, the further I traveled, the less I seemed to be concerned about them reaching out and grabbing me. Apparently Lenore had kept her word.

I was much more stable by the time I crawled through a child-sized crack in the wall. I fought off my claustrophobia with greater ease than I’d been anticipating, only beginning to worry when, after about sixty seconds, I wondered just how long this little tunnel stretched on into the cave.

Eventually, after what felt like hours, I pulled myself out of the other side, thankful that I was starved in this dimension as I would have otherwise gotten stuck at a few of the narrower points in that accursed hole. There was a bit of dried blood as well as a torn piece of what I assumed to be Red Riding’s hood.

Oh Rotkäppchen, wo bist du? Bist du tot? Lebst du noch? Hopefully your Grimm tale hasn’t ended in tragedy, else my efforts here would have been for naught.

Using the handkerchief Mayor Bear sent me off with, I wiped some of the sweat off of my face. I picked up the torn piece of Little Red’s cloak and pocketed it, at least wanting to show that I had the balls to enter Bigby’s lair to retrieve at least some part of her. It was for my own reassurance, if nothing else.

Since I was stealthing it out, I was thankful that my heart was only on a low simmer as opposed to a blaring glow. I was on top of some ledge, looking down into a dark, dank cavern with a large pool beneath me. Great, so the wolf can swim, too. I carefully set the saber, sheathed of course, between my teeth, breathing anxiously through my nose while trying desperately not to look down. I carefully, ever so carefully, grasped the edge of the ledge, sliding my feet off and not making any movement until one of them found purchase, then the next. I continued my way down at an agonizingly slow pace ― drop one foot, find a slide, move one hand, find another, drop the other foot, find a slide, move one hand, find another.

And so were the proceedings until― “Oh, sh―!” I desperately grabbed for something, anything, to hold myself up, but alas, gravity always wins in an uphill battle. Fortunately, I was out of breath, so I couldn’t shout or cry out like I wanted to, which would have alerted the Big Bad Wolf. Unfortunately, however, my flop into the pool, and the splashing sound that created that echoed across the cavern walls, most definitely did bring to his attention that someone was trespassing in his home.

Panic flowed through my withering lungs as I flapped my arms and legs around in an attempt to right myself. I quickly swam to the surface, feeling as though I had just run into a brick wall, before distress poisoned my already fractured sense of security. I dove back down, having some trouble seeing in the dark, but feeling myself drawn to another presence in the water that seemed bottomless. To my relief, I found my blade sinking at the speed of a snail’s sprint, so I reached out to grab it. Sword in hand, I directed my gaze back up, prepared to break the surface of the water, when, gazing right back at me from above, was a set of piercing, yellowish eyes attached to a terrifying maw. It was Bigby.

I just wanted to let myself drown at the unnerving sight.

With the hunt on, the walking terror leapt across the pool, an action so deft and smooth that I could only register the movement as though it were done by a black apparition. No noise, no disturbance. This thing was just as intelligent and murderous a predator here as it was in the fables. That gave me no grounds for hoping I’d be able to get out of this with my pride, or body, intact.

Well… fuck. There goes the element of surprise, and any hope for a nonconfrontational rescue. Today’s been a very interesting day.

Remembering that I was suffocating in the meanwhile, I made my way as silently as I could while drowning to the surface. My head rose above the water, and I had the sword at the ready. Since I was an amateur who was in way over his head, I couldn’t wipe the water away from my face without again falling under and my sword wasn’t drawn.

Quick as I could manage, I drifted over to one of the edges of the pool, clearing my face of the water and pulling out the saber, searching the area. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Whereas in almost every other encounter, I was in a head-to-head fight, this time it was less like I was in a fight and more like I was just prey. Bigby could have been anywhere. He was impossibly agile and had a reputation for his cruelty and cunning. I wasn’t looking to kill a mere animal; I was looking to square up against the Big Bad Wolf himself! And I had stepped into his lair, his hunting ground. A blood-thirsty gaze poked and prodded at me from every angle, and it was all I could do to not drop my sword and make a break for the wall, because some primal part of me knew that was when he would strike. He would go in for the kill when I was broken.

I slowly crept along into a ravine nearby, wincing at every squelchy footfall I made that seemed to resonate across the entirety of what I considered a tomb. My heart’s glow again picked up in the darkness, my fear acting as a catalyst for its intensity. Crap! I know he’s watching me, but I’ve got absolutely no chance of hiding when I’m lit up like a book in Berlin! The cave growled at me, threatening to swoop up from behind and tear out my throat. Spinning around, I held my sword at the ready, expecting to find terror incarnate stalking me. I wasn’t so lucky as to even catch a glimpse of him.

Now suitably panicked, I fell to my knees, clutching my heart as I fought to keep by rapid breathing under control. Lightheadedness, despair, paranoia, my mind was fertile ground for the cultivation of all these emotions and more, and I only snapped out of it when I saw something speed across the ravine overhead.

Don’t give up just yet, Coleman. My high school football coach’s voice cut through my mind. You’ve come this far, don’t let everything you’ve worked for come crashing down because of some fleeting hardship!

“Y-Yes sir, Coach Garvey,” I wheezed, picking myself up. “No idea where the hell you came from or why my mind chose you of all people to offer me words of motivation, especially since you were arrested for sexually harassing one of the cheerleaders, but I’d be a fool not to say those words probably saved my life.” These words were all whispered, of course.

Recentering myself, I continued through the ravine, the silence deafening and the darkness encompassing. I jumped at every pebble that fell, thinking the beast had grown tired of waiting and was preparing to tear me apart. The walls got tighter and tighter as I walked, claustrophobia again picking at me.

It wasn’t until I discovered that I was out of the gorge that my little episode receded, leaving me to scan my surroundings, finding myself in a stone clearing with a few side paths carved into it. The sound of whimpering came to my ears, and my focus was taken by… “Little Red?” Oh thank God! “Little Red!” I approached the small crying girl. She was crouched down, facing away from me, but her distinctive red hood was impossible to miss. Relief washed over me as I drew closer. “Listen, I know you’ve been through some rough times, but we need to go right now. Bigby’s comin’, and I need you,” her sobbing stopped when I placed a hand on her shoulder, “to pull yourself together so we can escape with our lives. Alright?”

The poor girl sniffled, asking in a quiet, trembling voice. “Okay. You’ll keep me safe from him, right? Safe from the Big Bad Wolf?”

If it comes down to that, that depends on just how fast those little legs of yours can carry you. “Of course I will. Now, you ready?”

Without turning to me, she placed a hand that was distinctly not human on the ground. “Thank you, mister. Thank you. I knew you’d come to save me.” Her voice dropped several pitches, the ‘little girl’ stretching and standing high above me, revealing long, hairy, doglike legs that connected to a lean body. “I’m so glad to have someone to play with.”

Bigby turned and glowered at me from underneath the red hood, a savage grin gracing his lips. “Little Red, what big everything you have,” I choked out, my throat suddenly dry.

The next few moments were not very happy ones.

Author's Notes:

A wild wolf appeared!