“All these squares make a circle… all these squares make a circle…”

Um… I would like to provide some sort of explanation for why I was currently curled up in the fetal position and spouting complete nonsense as I rocked back and forth, but I can’t. I can only say it was the fault of waking up barely an hour ago and having nearly every single thing I grew up believing being turned upside down the moment I opened my eyes. I was scared, I was pained… and I felt a latent hatred deep within me for this world for making me feel so helpless, like I was only just born but without any family or friends there to comfort me and ensure I would be able to walk without tripping over myself and scraping my knees.

This world had made me a child again, and I despised it for that.

As I clenched my eyes shut even tighter to prevent any tears from spilling, I could only focus on that one emotion. I’d never felt such a wrongness for being somewhere as I did being here, and I had certainly never felt so strong a repulsion for something as I did this happy-go-lucky world. I was ripped out of my home, away from my family for this!? Hell no! I was gonna get back to the world I knew and understood; I was gonna get back to the world I grew up in, the world in which I belonged! I didn’t care what I had to go through to get there, but with that goal in mind I felt a renewed sense of determination, driven only by the want to get back to someplace familiar.

And as I finally opened my eyes with replenished fervor, shining with hope and intent, I unfurled myself and moved to my knees, pushing myself up to my feet so that I could stand against the world like the man I was!

“I got this. I’mma beat this… this… whatever the hell this is! Be it a dream, reality, I don’t give a shit! I, Ladarion Vincent Coleman, will triumph over all odds!” I shouted. “Ya heard!? So throw whatever ya got for me next, because I’m pretty sure that nothin’ else’ll surprise me after what I just saw! Gimme your best shot!”

And then I heard a deep, rumbling growl emanate from behind me.

In hindsight, it wasn’t really the brightest of ideas I’ve ever had to shout out at the top of my lungs in the middle of the wild.

I slowly, ever so slowly, turned around to face what made that bone-chilling noise, nearly pissing myself at the sight of a positively massive lion as it stared right back at me with a predatory gleam in its terrifying red eyes. The thing stood 3 heads taller than me, had a large, bushy mane, and each of its teeth were, unsettlingly, stained with copper red. On its sides were the wings of a bat and poised above it, ready to strike, was an impossibly long scorpion’s tail.

I found myself moving sluggishly backwards as I took in the terrifying sight, the creature of myth moving forward at just as steady a pace, keeping its eyes glued to mine the entire time. The moment my back hit a tree, I could only stare back petrified at what I knew would be the death of me.

My breathing picked up its pace as the creature’s tail raised, aimed for me, its eyes narrowing dangerously and wings twitching in what seemed to be anticipation as a menacing hiss vibrated from deep within its chest.

The moment it was about to strike, however, I did something stupid: I jumped onto its face. The creature's tail hit the tree faster than I would have imagined possible, tearing off a chunk of the wood with the unthinkable amount of force it put into what would have definitely been a killing blow if I had stood there for just a nanosecond longer.

My arms and legs were wrapped around the muzzle of the beast as it let loose a blood-curdling roar that shook the very earth, nearly deafening me since I was literally right next to it when it emitted such an alarming sound. Clearly I had angered it. If the roar wasn’t enough evidence of that, the following rodeo that both the beast and I had inadvertently become a part of definitely confirmed this.

As the bat-winged freak began to furiously shake its head around in an attempt to dislodge me, I only tightened my grip, effectively shutting the thing up and further infuriating it as it made certain hisses and murderous roars, however muffled, that promised a world of pain and agony the moment it shook its head free of me.

When its blood truly began to boil, the creature, whom I nicknamed Mufasa, started to actually employ its wings to aid in ridding itself of my troublesome presence. Mufasa kicked and howled, much like a bull would in a bullfighting ring, and began tossing itself about into the environment to eject me from its unfortunate face. Trees, earth, hell even boulders were used in vain attempts to remove me. Too bad Mufasa was too stupid to actually throw me into any of these things, so I was simply holding on for dear life as he crashed and fumbled into the surroundings.

I was still scared outta my wits, but I was beginning to enjoy myself just a bit when I saw that Mufasa was banging himself up instead of tearing me apart limb from limb. Before I could think anything else, though, he began charging wildly toward a pit full of glowing flowers. Now, I knew from fairy tales and TV shows that anything that glows is usually dangerous for those that come in direct contact with it, be it due to magical or radioactive properties.

I was in no mood to find out what the hell a bioluminescent flower in a world as unconventional as this would do to me, so I finally loosened my grip on Mufasa’s muzzle, allowing me to see his hate-filled eyes staring back into my own before I dove off of his face. The look in his eyes went from seething rage to unbridled panic as he saw where he was headed. He attempted to stop himself in his tracks, only to slide headfirst into the patch of plants with a rather pathetic yelp. Huh. Guess he forgot he had wings, he was so unawares.

I’ve never come so close to death in my life as I had then, and I gotta say, facing your mortality is quite a sobering experience.

“H-holy shit!” I thought to myself. “I’m alive! I-I’m actually alive. Hot damn, man, is that liberating! When I get back, I’mma have to-“ a feral roar shook me out of my stupor before I could complete that thought.

I shrieked as I continued running through the forest, making sure to avoid any kinds of glowing plants as I put more distance between myself and the roars that, for whatever reason, seemed to be heightening in pitch as I moved further and further away from the source of the sound; I’m fairly sure I was just hearing things, though, as I wasn’t entirely focused on the noise as much as I was focused on putting as much distance as possible from it.

I kept on running until my lungs burned and my legs ached. When I found a tree that seemed to be a suitable resting place, I decided to catch my breath for a few moments. With the adrenaline in my body once again wearing off, I found myself more worn out than ever before. I looked up at the trees to see that some kind of fruit was hanging from the branches. It was… clear in color, but with what looked to be a fiery substance floating around inside of it.

Normally, I wouldn’t even consider touching such a thing, but the growl that sounded from my stomach controlled me at the moment. I wasn’t very experienced in climbing, and my boots only served to make it even more difficult. That is, until I found a branch low enough to the ground to aid in boosting my fat ass up the tree and sturdy enough to carry one hundred and ninety pounds of man.

As I climbed the tree, I heard something that sounded somewhat close to a monkey. Lions roar, dogs bark, but monkeys? What kind of noises do they make? Eh, you can probably imagine the sound they make without me spelling it out for you anyway.

I turned my head in surprise when I saw something else move in the tree. There, hanging upside down, was a four-eyed monkey. I wasn't even going to question that. I’d seen stranger by then. As I turned back towards the one fire-fruit that I could possibly get my hands on without having to fall a deadly distance to get back to the ground, the grey-haired thing followed my line of sight toward the prize.

I sharply turned back toward Four-Eyes, casting an angry glare at him for what I knew would be future trouble. Four-Eyes turned back to me, eyes full of mischief and even a challenge as his lips curled upward into a smirk.

“Oh hell no, don’t you dare,” I warned the suicidal monkey. “Y’see that fruit over there, huh?” I asked as I pointed to the fruit in question. Four-Eyes, obviously intelligent, followed the direction of my finger before once again resting his four freaky eyes on me as I clung to the branch. “That fruit right there is mine, you little shit. You understand me? Mine!”

“Hoo hoo,” challenged Four-Eyes in a slow, mocking tone. He glanced back over to the fruit before pointing to it, then back to himself. “Hoo.”

“You what? C’mon, fool, I’ll tear you apart,” I strained as I pulled myself overtop the branch, still holding on tight for fear of a single gust of wind pushing me off to my demise.

And then Four-Eyes gave me the “bring it on” gesture, the cocky little bugger.

I growled at the annoying primate as I narrowed my eyes. He reciprocated the action.

After a long time of staring at one another, a single leaf fell from the large tree and floated to the ground. I held my breath the entire time in hesitation as it drifted ever so slowly to the dirt. The moment it hit the earth below, Four-Eyes made his move, disappearing into the tree before nimbly dashing from branch to branch, each move bringing him closer and closer to my meal. I let loose a cry of indignation before standing atop my branch and jumping rather sloppily to one directly above me and crawling along to get to the fruit.

The way I was going was much more direct to the fire-fruit, but I would make it in half the time Four-Eyes would at this rate. The jerk was showing off, dancing around the tree like he owned the place. It was with that thought in mind that I moved to my feet and kept a low crouch close to the branch to ensure I maintained my balance. Still crawling closer to the life-saving fruit, I had gotten right underneath it before a dark hand shot out of the branches and snatched it from its resting place, nearly scaring the life out of me in the process.

I would have fallen a good 15 feet if I hadn’t latched on to the tree at the last second. As Four-Eyes turned and attempted to leap away with a victorious screech leaving his monkey mouth, I mustered up from my ire and my hunger the strength to leap up right behind him and grab onto his tail.

“Hah! Gotcha, ya dinner-stealin’ deviant!” I triumphantly hollered when I had him in my hand, before Four-Eyes freaked out and started jumping around and, in a feat of strength I was not expecting, began tossing me about into the air and the tree. This was the second time today I was holding on to a wild animal for my life!

As Four-Eyes dove across the tree into another, I nearly lost my grip; when he grabbed onto another branch, however, I did, finding myself weightless for but a moment before gravity decided that it was the only thing in this world that worked the same as it did in my own. The monkey, for whatever reason, stopped rampaging as it realized I was no longer literally on its tail. I saw an opportunity to grab Four-Eyes around the waist as he hung from one arm, breaking my fall.

Four-Eyes shrieked in surprise and fright as I clung bodily to him, attempting to shake me off before letting go of the fire-fruit and allowing it to fall so he could support the weight of the two of us. I ripped the fiery fruit out of the air with a hand and let out a jubilant cry as I caught it.

“Yes! How ya like them apples ya monkey bastard!” I shot a winning smirk to Four-Eyes, only to receive an intense glare in return.

As Four-Eyes placed a foot upon the one arm holding him and began toying with my fingers, a smirk of his own – this one much more malicious – graced his features.

“Hoo,” with that, he picked a finger off his waist. “Hoo,” and another.

“Y-yo, hold up!” I pleaded, my eyes widening from fear. “W-we could… we could share! Yeah! J-just don’t do anything we'll regret!”

The smirk only grew wider, a few teeth shining through on Four-Eyes’ face. He grasped the rest of my fingers and concluded with a verdict: “Hoo.”

And like that, I once again found myself at gravity’s mercy.

“Ugh, my head,” I idly rubbed my neck after popping it to loosen it up. “What the hell happened?”

As though the question had opened up the floodgates to my memory, the last memories I had before losing consciousness inundated my mind. Along with the memories of Mufasa and Four-Eyes – whose ass I vowed I would kick at my earliest convenience – I also vaguely remembered… laughter?

Fuck it. I could spend all the time in the world pondering all this as soon as I got out of my current predicament. The meat of my plan was eating, drinking, and getting the hell out of this forest, not particularly in that order. If I could find someone who wasn’t a pony or creature of myth, then the ball would be rolling. I’d ask them directions to the nearest airport or carpooling spot so I could get the hell out of here and I would never mention any of what I’d just experienced to avoid being thrown in the loony bin. I may not be completely sane anymore, or at least I know I’m less sane than I was when I first arrived, but I’m not completely crazy. I think.

“What the-?” I asked to nobody in particular. In my hand rested the fire-fruit, still shining brightly. With the sight of nourishment in my very hands, I remembered my untended hunger. Mouth watering, I took a greedy bite out of the starvation-staving gift from the heavens, or in this case trees.

That proved to be both the best and worst thing I could have done at that moment. As I swallowed down the fiery fruit, a warm feeling spread throughout my body; I felt limbered up again, rested, as though I could take on the entire world with zeal alone! However, that great feeling transformed into gut-wrenching agony as the warm feeling grew even warmer and warmer, effectively turning my insides into liquid. At least that’s what it felt like. My arms and legs spasmed with every beat of my heart, every breath I took in was hell – with every inhalation a fresh wave of searing heat spread through my lungs – and with every contraction of my stomach my organs felt as though they were mere moments from boiling away into pink mist that would then be expelled as I exhaled in sheer pain.

Every muscle in my body tightened as I felt my vision go red, thoughts of untamed violence and destruction playing across my mind, and it felt as though I should embrace these thoughts and allow them to control me. The entire time, I could vividly make out the sound of cruel laughter echoing in my head.

And, in the course of ten seconds, it was all gone. The pain, the violent thoughts, the laughter, everything. The only reminder that any of that horrifying experience had actually happened was the warmth that still resided within my stomach.
I breathed out a sigh of relief, sweat drenching my face as I chose to lie there for but a moment longer to allow myself to relax for a minute. I was firmly awake after that, but my mind was a mess. Why didn’t I go into shock? What is it with that laughter? Why is Pepé Le Pew such a perv? These are the kinds of thoughts that swam haphazardly through my addled mind, some more pertinent than others.

As I looked back at the demon-fruit, I once again began to see red, my thoughts taking a turn to the psychotic; I reared my arm back and was two seconds from tossing it back into the brush before I realized that the place had grown a bit darker than before. I didn’t exactly like the dark, especially when there were dangerous predators lurking within it. So I kept it for the time being, tightening my grasp on the demon-fruit as I soldiered onward to less green pastures.

After a few more hours of nonstop walking, credit to the demon fruit for providing me with such ample energy, I began to feel thirst tugging at my dry throat. I’d been doing a lot of yelling and writhing, so it was perfectly understandable for me to need something to drink. I continued walking until I heard the soft susurrus of a nearby stream. The sweet sounds serenaded my senses with their seamless serendipity. It seemed whatever deity was out there had finally taken pity on me! Guiding my way with the light of the demon-fruit, I eventually navigated myself to a shallow, and most importantly clear, body of water.

Oh, how I rejoiced! I fell to my knees and, without hesitation, drank heartily from the stream. I dunked my head underneath the water as I did so and only came up when the need for air outweighed the need to quench my ever-shrinking thirst.

I pulled my head out at last and enjoyed the feeling of cold water running down my matted hair and onto my warm forehead. Gotta enjoy the little things in life when there’s a chance you’re gonna get mauled to death by angry forest critters at any given moment, I say.

It was at that moment, though, that a gigantic purple serpent with a glorious moustache exploded from beneath the water, coating me in a healthy amount of cold water and ruining my tranquility.

“Hellooo, young traveler~! What brings you to these…” I was already two hundred meters down the path before he finished the sentence. “…parts?” he finished confusedly before shrugging. “There are so many strange creatures in this world, wouldn’t you say?” He asked himself before diving back underneath the surface. With that, everything went quiet again in the forest, save the bird songs and the flow of the stream.

As I ran, the demon-fruit guiding the way, I couldn’t help but think to myself how in the hell such a large… thing could sneak up on me like that, let alone fit in a stream so small!

I felt something warm build up within me before looking down to my chest and seeing that a dull light was radiating from where my heart was located. I would have had a miniature freak out over that if it didn’t seem to actually help keep me going on my feet when I should have, after all this time spent running and getting tossed about, been worn out beyond recognition.

I listed it off as just my adrenaline working excellently today as I kept running, trying not to pay attention to what seemed to be a nuclear reactor pumping in my chest.

When I finally slowed down after running what I considered a safe distance, I, against my better judgment, once again glanced down at the demon-fruit I held in my palm. Something compelled me to do so, it seemed, as – when I had no clue where next to wander – the light seemed to glow brighter, demanding my attention.

What I saw nearly made my jaw drop. Constellations. Honest to God constellations were being shown on this demon-fruit. When it was sunnier, near mid-day, all that showed was the sun in the middle of the fruit, but now that it had grown darker and the stars had taken control of the sky, the fruit seemed to mirror the formation of the stars! It was the single most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. The color of the fruit also changed to a more bluish hue, as though adjusting directly with the time of day.

This thing was effectively a compass if used correctly. A compass fruit! Goodness me, was that cool!

I brought it closer to my face in wonder and watched as the stars danced beneath the surface of the fruit, seeing one that shone even brighter than the rest. I felt the need to touch it for whatever reason. As my finger drew near, a spark connected to it from the largest star, and a smart of pain caused by the sudden jolt of electricity from the fruit caused me to tear my hand away, the smell of burnt flesh assaulting my sense of smell.

As I disconnected the charge from the fruit to my finger, I began to… see things. It’s hard to explain, but imagine being able to see the sky no matter where you are, or at least see what’s in the sky and where. I could feel the pull of the sun and sense the direction of the bright star at the same time. Like I said, it’s… surprisingly difficult to thoroughly explain in an in-depth way.

I looked back at the demon-fruit noticed that it was now empty, save for that same eerie blue glow it now had. There were no more constellations inside it for some odd reason. I shrugged and kept it to help light the way as I attempted to… feel… where the brightest star rested in the sky. I felt a gentle tugging on my mind and my legs followed.

When I heard the sound of water rushing once again, I found that I had entered a clearing in the forest, the first real clearing in miles. At what seemed to be an edge to what must have been a really long drop into more forestry lay a waterfall.

I looked up at the sky and spotted the moon, a lot closer than it should have been to the world compared to the moon of Earth. But more importantly, I saw the bright star, the one that I felt some kind of connection to. As I stared, I hardly took notice of the bright glow being emanated from my chest. I stood there for Lord knows how long before I heard another angry rumble.

Knowing it wasn’t the sound of my stomach, I breathed a soft, “Goddammit,” as I turned around, only to be met once again with the red, malice-filled eyes of my rodeo partner.

“Yo, whattup?” I asked in the most disarming voice I could muster.

A ferocious roar was all I got in response.

Why can things never for once just be easy?