“I feel kinda nervous,” Maud said in a voice of utter calm. “I can feel my stomach flip-flopping around and I feel light headed.” The earth pony paused and stared at city hall for a moment, and then turned to look at Tarnished Teapot, who was hobbling along beside her. “Tell me again how much you love me.”

Twitching, nervous himself, Tarnish looked at Maud, then at his mother, and then at Pinkie Pie, who was grinning a manic grin. “I’m nervous too. I love you in ways that I can’t mention in front of my mother.”

Maud paused, freezing in place, ceasing all forms of movement. Unmoving, unspeaking, Maud remained where she was, and Pinkie Pie, worried, poked her sister a few times, trying to get a response. A pigeon, who happened to be passing by, flew down and landed on top of Maud’s head, confusing the earth pony mare for a statue. Pinkie Pie shooed the pigeon away before the pigeon could do to Maud what pigeons did to statues as a hobby.

“Go away, Mister Pigeon! Why does this keep happening! Go away! Shoo!” Pinkie Pie waved her hoof around as the pigeon departed. “Leave my sister alone, I’m sick of having to shoo you away!”

“That’s not so bad,” Maud said in a deadpan of almost perfect flatness.

“What’s not so bad?” Pinkie Pie asked, still poking and prodding her sister.

“I just looked forward into my life. I imagined myself waking up next to Tarnish for the rest of my days. It was pleasant and I was happy,” Maud replied as she turned her head to look at Pinkie Pie. “Eventually, I woke up one morning and there were foals in the bed with us. That part made me a little scared, but I think I can deal with it. Eventually.”

“Foals?” Tarnish gulped.

“Yeah, those happen,” Pinkie Pie said, sighing as she spoke.

“But they don’t have to happen right away,” Pinny Lane said as she poked her son in the side. “Look, don’t get scared away from the best thing that could happen to you… you can control when foals happen. For now, just focus on being happy together. Travel. See the world. Do research. Spend time being in love. You can always settle in later and start a family. It doesn’t have to happen right now.”

“Let’s go. We need to salvage this day somehow. This day has been just awful,” Maud said as she started forwards once more. Her ears poked forwards, angled over her eyes. Her face was utterly devoid of any sort of expression of grim determination.

“This day has been just awful, the kind of day that I have feared since I was small… because some stallion with commitment fears, he has caused a lot of tears, and now my sister wants to crush his baaaaaaaaalls—”

“Pinkie Pie, not now.” Maud shook her head.

“Aw… nuts… I was hoping to break out in song.” Pinkie Pie followed after her sister and she smiled when she heard both Tarnish and Pinny chortling. Giggle-snorting, Pinkie pronked into the air and kicked all of her hooves together.

Looking up, the clerk spotted the four ponies approaching and knew right away why they were there. She began pulling out the proper forms. One mare, stoic. One mare, older, obvious mother, eyes red and cheeks stained from weeping. One colt, younger, foal-faced, eyes also all red and weepy. And one Pinkie Pie, which meant that all kinds of paperwork might have to be filed, depending on what happened next.

“Hi,” the clerk said in a nasal voice. She slid the paperwork forward. “Marriage, right?”

“How did you know?” the colt asked.

“I just know these things.” The clerk cleared her throat. “My name is Afternoon Delight. And don’t you dare laugh.”

“Why would I laugh?” the colt asked.

“Ah, to be young and innocent,” Afternoon Delight replied as the older mare beside the colt began to gnaw her lip. “Are you cousins? If so, we have special paperwork for that. We had to draft it for the Apple family after there were repeated kerfluffles.” Afternoon Delight watched as the colt stood there, blinking, a vacant expression upon his face. The mare pushed a few pens forward and waited for the paperwork to be filled out.

The colt and the stoic looking mare began going through the paperwork and Afternoon Delight smiled at the pair. They seemed like a nice enough couple. At least there was no signs of physical violence as a means of coercion. Guilt was the probable means of getting the poor colt to agree to this. Afternoon Delight leaned forward over the counter.

“So when is the foal due?”

“What?” the colt said in a panicked voice.

“Oh, no no no!” the older mare said in a worried voice. “They’re getting married because they want to. Maud’s not pregnant… at least I don’t think… as far as I know.”

“Sure… I understand.” Afternoon Delight nodded her head, agreeing, playing along. “I understand. Don’t want to cause a scandal. It’s easy enough to say that the foal was born a little early I suppose.”

Pinkie Pie, standing a short distance away, began humming, which caused Afternoon Delight no end of alarm. When the pink pony got bored, bad things happened. The pink pony was every bureaucrat’s nightmare and Afternoon Delight already had the disaster forms ready to be filled out.

“Look, Maud isn’t pregnant… I’m marrying her because I want to commit and settle down… I’ve made enough mistakes in my life, a whole bunch of mistakes, and I want to do the right thing,” the colt said as he scribbled on his paper.

“Impressive… how many mistakes do you have running around?” Afternoon Delight asked as she raised her eyebrow. The colt had some kind of testicular fortitude to talk so openly about his mistakes as he was getting married.

“What? Wait… NO! I didn’t mean it like that… no… no…” the colt shook his head.

“Tarnish is madly in love with me,” the stoic looking mare said in a flat monotone.

Afternoon Delight nodded. The mare sounded as though she was going to drop dead from boredom at any moment. It was clear to anypony with a lick of common sense that this mare didn’t want to be here, but was following through with this because of some misguided sense of obligation. Afternoon Delight took a deep breath and felt a sense of regret, knowing that there was going to be yet another loveless marriage in the world, a loveless marriage devoid of affection, of passion, and that some poor foals were going to have to grow up, watching their parents hate each other, give each other the silent treatment, and the foals would grow up feeling resented, knowing that their birth was seen as a mistake, further contributing to the many problems in the world. But Afternoon Delight said nothing. It was not her place to judge.

“Why is there a form for inter-tribal marriage?” the older mare asked, looking over the shoulder of the colt.

“Tax purposes. If you marry outside of your tribe, you get a tax break. It is part of an incentive program established by the Crown.” Afternoon Delight was tempted to say something about sham marriages for tax breaks, but said nothing. She was already seeing a sham marriage, and there was no need to call attention to that fact.

At least, not much attention.

“Why do I need to sign to release my school records?” the colt asked, shaking his head. “This seems overly complicated… just to get married.”

“I didn’t create the system, I just keep it going,” Afternoon Delight replied. “Do either of you wish to register a new name?”

“Ooooh! Maud Teapot!” Pinkie Pie blurted out as she began to dance around. “Or Tarnished Pie!”

“No, no name change,” the stoic mare said in a low voice.

“Now, if you will excuse me, but I am required by law to ask… are either of you being coerced against your will into the bonds of matrimony?” Afternoon Delight asked, already knowing the answer. She looked at the poor colt, hoping that he would be brave enough to say something, and Afternoon Delight could get him the help that he deserved before his life was ruined.

“I’m here because I want to be here,” the colt replied in a squeaky voice.

“There is nopony else I want to wake up next to,” the stoic mare said.

Afternoon Delight sighed and realised that she was going to need a union mandated coffee break once this was over. There was nothing in the mare’s voice, it was empty, it held no trace of love, compassion, or warmth. A wedding was supposed to be a happy occasion, a joyful time. Afternoon Delight lost a little more faith in her fellow equines, and her nature as a soulless bureaucrat grew stronger. It was starting to feel as if there was no point in even trying anymore.

The final signatures were placed upon the piles of paperwork and Afternoon Delight pulled the paperwork closer to her. She was going to get lots of good therapeutic time with her rubber stamp later. If only she could stamp out the world’s problems the same way she could stamp paperwork. She looked up at the colt and the stoic mare and cleared her throat.

“You are now married in the eyes of the Crown. You can annul within seventy two hours without consequences or cost. This will be five bits. Your marriage licence will be mailed to your residence in four to six weeks. Thank you, have a nice day. Please pay at the payment collection window.”

“That’s it? Just like that?” the colt asked as he blinked and looked around.

“Yep. That’s it. This is why ponies come to city hall to be married. Efficiency. Good luck.” Afternoon Delight reached up and began to pull down the sliding wooden panel that would close her counter.

“This seems anti-climactic,” the stoic mare said in a low voice.

Afternoon Delight paused for a moment, the wooden panel halfway down. She peered through. “What did you expect? If you wish to claim your new husband’s many mistakes as dependents, there are forms for that. You can even file for joint custody if you’d like. Now if you will excuse me, I am due for a break.”

With a clunk, Afternoon Delight slammed the wooden panel down, closing her counter, and sealing herself off from the public. She stared down at the paperwork, felt a growing sense of bitterness, and for a brief moment, she pondered quitting her job.

But that would involve too much paperwork.

Author's Notes:

I suppose I should regret something...