Silver Spoon has a Nightmare

by hawthornbunny

Chapter 1: Silver Spoon has a Nightmare

Silver Spoon's hooves thundered as she pelted away from the pursuing abomination as fast as she could. And that wasn't even an audial metaphor. Her hooves were literally producing miniature peals of thunder and scintillating crackles of electricity as she galloped, because she was racing along a narrow outcropping of blackish cloud, as rapidly as she could safely manage.

"It's just a dream, it's just a dream," she gasped to herself in a feverish mantra as she willed herself not to look back. "It can't really hurt you, because you'll wake up before then... right?" She winced and looked skyward. "Wake up, me, wake up!" she yelled, but she knew it was no good. Her actual body was fast asleep snuggled up around Diamond Tiara and probably drooling on her a bit. No amount of dream-shouting would awaken her.

"Silver Spoooooooon," hissed the monster chasing her. Silver screamed as the spike of cloud she was running along came to an end. Nothing but an endless drop into blue sky beneath her. Her knees trembled as she turned to face her enemy.

Princess Alopecia. The most feared dragon - no, dragoness, Silver had to keep reminding herself - in all of wherever the hay it was Diamond had set her ridiculous made-up fairytale.

"Go away!" Silver yelled weakly, but her voice seemed barely to reach a few feet beyond her mouth before vanishing.

"But my dear," squeaked the horrifying dragoness. "I need you. You're the last one left." Her serpentine eyes bulged expectantly as she gripped one of the bundles of sickly green hair that sprouted from either side of her muzzle. "You must be so lonely. Let me give you my special gift."

Silver found herself wanting to retch. She tried to back away to the edge of the cloud as the Princess approached, but she couldn't even do that; while she had been talking, Silver's hooves had slowly sunk into the cloud. She squeaked in horror and tried to pull them out, but static electricity fizzed across the hoof surface and held her tight.

"Such a beautiful silver mane," said Princess Alopecia, holding her scaly arms wide. "Your mustache will look so divine..."

"No! No, please, no!" Silver cried, tugging desperately at her hooves.

"Silver Spoon, it's okay," came a familiar voice from behind her, lilting gently in the breeze. "It will all be okay."

Silver's mane prickled in horror as a shadow fell upon her. She turned her neck, and her last hope drained away.

It should have been a heavenly, uplifting sight. Diamond Tiara, soaring over her on a pair of magnificent alicorn wings. But instead, it chilled her to the bone. This was not her savior. Her savior would never be caught dead sporting a two-toned mauve-and-white handlebar mustache. This was a cracked Diamond. A cubic zirconium. A fallen angel.

All was lost.

"Tell her," said Alopecia, as Diamond landed beside her and folded her wings to her sides. "Perhaps she will accept it from you."

Diamond smiled creepily, and not in the usual creepy way that Silver secretly found attractive either. "It doesn't hurt, Silvy."

"It. Looks. Hideous!" Silver screamed. "And stupid! And it's messing with your head! I don't want it! I don't ever want it!"

"Nothing is messing with my head," said Diamond, her horn igniting with ice-blue light as she wrapped Silver in an aura and gently plucked her hooves out of the cloud with a shloorping sound. "I chose this. Because everything really is better this way. Everypony is equal now. I see now that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle and that candy pony who talks funny -"

"Twist," Silver supplied.

"Yeah her... we're all really the same, whether it's deep down in our hearts or on our hairy mustachioed faces. We never fight, because why would anypony fight themself?"

"Please Diamond," Silver said, wiping tears from her eyes. "This isn't you! You're not the Diamond I know!"

"Oh, Silvy," said Diamond, her lips pouting into a little smirk. "You're totally wrong for once. I am."

Princess Alopecia blinked. "Wait, what do you mean by th-" she began, but didn't quite get to finish the sentence. As magnificent as her dragony moustache was, it did nothing to protect her from the force of being bucked in the face by an alicorn hoofboot. She flew back and tumbled along the cloud a few times, causing it to flash and rumble.

Her eyes flashed with fury as she got to her feet. "How... what... what is the meaning of this? I control you!" she snarled, a gout of green flame escaping her.

"Di!" Silver squealed as the alicorn swept a wing around her. "I can't believe it! It's really you! And you grew a mustache for me!"

"Do you really think I wouldn't do that for you?" Diamond snorted.

"Could you get rid of it, though?" Silver requested politely. "Seriously, I do think I'm gonna be sick."

"Please don't," Diamond said, squeezing her friend tightly in her wing. "If you're sick in the dream then I think you'll also be sick in real life and that means you'll be sick all over me. I don't mind the drooling but vomit is a big no-no."

Silver blinked. "Wait, we're in a dream?" Her eyes widened. "Oh my gosh, we are! How did I forget that?"

Diamond shrugged. "It happens. Can you wake up?"

Silver concentrated, but after a few moments, she shook her head. "I've been trying but I just can't! I must be, like, really fast asleep."

Princess Alopecia chuckled. "You fool. Of course you cannot." Her eyes shone horribly again, and suddenly, from nowhere, a dozen mustachioed ponies rose out of the air alongside them, beating wings of leather and bone. "I control this dream and all within it!"

"All except me," Diamond growled, her mustache flaring in righteous defiance.

"Ah yes," said Alopecia, leering at Diamond with a mad look in her eyes, "That is why I shall first destroy you."

"I'm an alicorn," Diamond reminded her, tossing her elongated mane fabulously.

"These are dragonponies," countered Alopecia, motioning to the squads of glaring soldiers each side of her.

"I thought they were batponies," Silver whispered.

"They are dragonponies," insisted Alopecia. "They are resistant to your alicorn magic and they breathe fire, too." She clicked her claws and one of them demonstrated, exhaling a blast of red flame.

Silver looked at the squadron of loyal ponies fearfully. "Uh... Di... you do have a plan, right?"

Diamond nodded. "I do, but I'm gonna need your help," she said. "I need you to summon your flying spoon."

Silver blinked. "My... my what?"

"Your giant flying spoon? You know? The one you fly around on when you're fighting crime and saving the day?"

"Um..." Silver rubbed her ear, looking blank. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh... horseapples," Diamond swore. "That was just my dream, wasn't it? Wait, so was I really dreaming about rolling around with you in the dirt?"

"Um... well, that sounds like something you might -"

"Okay, Plan D... hoof it!" Diamond screamed, blasting the nearest dragonpony with a dazzling bolt of magic. She wrapped Silver up in her hooves and tossed herself off the cloud.

"Gyaaaaaaaaaaah!" Silver screeched as Diamond took flight, clinging to her best friend's underbelly as hard as she could. Streaks of colored flame rocketed past like overtaking trains as Diamond whooshed through the air, weaving in and out of the firebolts being thrown at them by the pursuing army of dragon-hybrids.

"Why did I have to park so far away..." Diamond grumbled. "Hang on, Silvy, brace yourself!"

"How can I be doing anything other than holding on?!" Silver screamed.

"You could be wetting yourself. But don't, because if you wet yourself in the dream I think you'll also wet yourself in real life and that means -"

"I know what it means!" Silver wailed.

Suddenly, for less than a second, all went dark. Air whumped against Silver's ears as if she'd just entered a tunnel; then the world came back. But it was different. The air was different, the smell was different. Somehow, they'd travelled.

A thrill of horror jolted through her as Diamond released her and she fell, but somehow, she landed softly on a bed. They weren't in the sky any more, they were in a bedroom. Diamond's bedroom.

Silver rolled onto her back and looked up. Diamond was hovering aloft next to a shimmering portal in the air, and through it, Silver could see the blue sky and the dragonpony horde, still approaching.

"Di! Close it! Close the portal!" Silver yelled frantically.

"Sorry, you guys," said Diamond, sticking her head through the portal and sneering at the enemy force. "Cool ponies only."

"Close it!" Silver begged.

Diamond ignited her horn and the portal shrank away to a point of light, which popped out of existence, although it still somehow managed to make the sound of an obnoxious doorslam. Diamond drifted down to the bed and was immediately met with an extremely grateful hug from Silver.

"You saved me!" Silver cried happily, pulling Diamond's head to hers and giving her a kis-

She stopped. Diamond's facial hair had almost touched her cheeks. "Oh, could you lose the mustache? Please?" Silver asked.

"You know... I am kinda curious about how you'd look with one," Diamond said, tentatively.

"Please!" Silver begged.

"Oh, fine," Diamond grumbled, and with another hum of magic, her moustache evaporated. "Bett-mmf?" She found her lips suddenly occupied with Silver's, and elected just to enjoy the kiss and embrace instead.

A minute or so later, Silver broke off with a happy sigh, and released her friend. "I love the new look," she said. "It totally suits you."

"You think?" Diamond asked, flaring her wings. "I wondered if it might be a bit, you know... too much? Like people might think I'm trying way too hard. But I needed to fly, and I can't really get the hang of suckybus wings."

"Suckybus," Silver corrected.

"That's what I said," said Diamond. "Suckybus."

"No, it's pronounced 'suckybus'," Silver insisted.

"That's the way I'm saying it," Diamond said, looking confused.

"Suckybus. Suckybus," Silver said, suddenly looking alarmed. "Wait... that's not what I'm trying to say! Suckybus! Suckybus suckybus suckybus!"

"That sounds kinda funny when you say it lots of times," Diamond noted.

"Agh!" Silver pulled on her tongue. "This isn't right! I know how to say that word!"

"Sheesh, Silvy, clam down will you?" Diamond said.

"It's not 'clam'! It's 'clam'!" Silver shouted. "Aaaaaaaaugh! You've infected me with your aphrodisia, Di!"

Diamond rolled her eyes. "Do you want to go back to your nightmare?"

Silver forced her mouth closed, because she wasn't sure how exactly she wanted to answer that, and wasn't sure she'd use the correct words if she did.

"Thought so. Let's just enjoy the rest of the dream, shall we?"

Silver nodded. "So wait... we're dreaming that we're cuddled up in bed together..."


"While we're actually cuddled up in bed together..."


"Don't you think that's weird?"

"Says the pony who dreams about firebreathing dragon-ponies with mustaches?"

"Hey, that was your fault!" Silver retorted. "It was your stupid made-up story! If you'd just read the story I'd suggested, I'd be having an awesome dream about digging holes and planting seeds with Apple Broom!" She blinked. "Oh, come on! I know you can pronounce Apple Broom!"

"I can pronounce Apple Bloom," said Diamond, grinning evilly. "I don't know why you can't."

"No... no, no, nooo!" Silver said, panicking. "Diamond, don't do this to me!"

"I'm not doing anything!" Diamond protested innocently. "I guess my dream must be turning against me, too."

"You have to do dumpling!" Silver moaned. "I sound like a crumpet stool! Please Di, you have to -" she stopped suddenly, as Diamond pressed a hoof firmly to her lips.

"Here's an idea," said Diamond. "How about you stop talking. For the rest of the dream."

Silver looked cross-eyed at the pink hoof pressed up against her muzzle.

I guess I can live with that, she thought to herself, nodding her assent to Diamond. Kissing was more fun than arguing, anyway.

Author's Notes:

and that's why hawthornbunny isn't allowed to write romances

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