Spike's in the Fortune 500

by TheGreatEater

Chapter 1: Spike's Geodes, Tops the Charts.

Spike woke up in a mithral gilded, jewel encrusted bathtub filled with burgundy diamonds. He watched as the sun streamed through his bedroom window, the warm light bathing the room in a purple tinted, rainbow colored light show. Spike enjoyed the display as he popped a diamond into his mouth, enjoying the slight hint of spice, the gentle heat, the mouth watering flavors that flooded his taste buds.

It had been four years since the accident that made him a bazillionaire happened. It was a balmy day that …

Spike was leaning in Rarity’s back yard with a muscle crushing cramp that had left him immobilized. I knew that I’d be paying for that Monster Supreme Burrito, but I thought it’d be much later. Now when I’m trying to help Rarity garden.

Spike groaned in misery as he held his aching stomach, lurching across the recently upturned lot of soil, trying to make it somewhere far from Rarity’s Boutique before the monstrous force boiling in his gut could come out. The heat of the sun making it hard on him as his draconic scales soaked up the heat, loosening his muscles. Along with them, the control of his bladder.

So it was with great shame that he doubled over, and laid some geodes. As if the universe didn’t say that it hated him enough, Rarity walked out on him fertilizing the earth. “Sp-Sp-Spikey Wikey! What in Celestia’s name are you doing?!”

“Nooooo!” Spike cried disparagingly to the heavens. His glittery load filled with the undigested impurities of gems reflecting light into his eyes from between his legs as he cried.

With the last of his load dropped he ran in embarrassment to the Friendship Castle where he hoped Twilight knew a spell to help him melt through the floor, and into the core of the earth. Or would be nice to just teleport him there so he could rightfully die of embarrassment.

“Hey Twilight,” A snuffling Spike hailed his second favorite pony, “can I ask you for a favor?”

Twilight looked up from the book she was perusing, having already found several grammar errors, which she had listed on a scroll beside her with ample space to prevent accidental ink spills on her new book. At seeing her little dragon crying she trotted over to him and gave him a hug, “What’s the matter Spike? Did your day at Rarity’s not go well”

That only made Spike go from sniffles, to a full blown wail. Which only made Twilight hold him tighter. After Spike stopped crying, Twilight laid down so she could be eye level, “So Spike, what’s the matter?”

“I ate a Monster Supreme Burrito for the Burrito Challenge at El Mono Enojado, that new Mexicolt restaurant. Since Rares wanted to try it out, and if I ate all three pounds of that meal in five minutes the meal would be free. So I did it so Rares wouldn’t have to pay for our meal.

“It wasn’t that bad, but I had just finished plowing the lot, and planting the seeds Rares wanted planted. But then it hit me and I couldn’t make it to a toilet before I laid geodes. Then just as I finished Rarity walked on me as the last one fell,” Spike cried into Twilight’s coat.

“Oh Spike! It’ll be okay, everypony does embarrassing things from time to time, and I’m sure that Rarity will understand that accidents happen. Especially since it was a consequence of your act of generosity.”

“No! It won’t be okay, Rares will never take me seriously as a contender for her heart now. I mean what hatchling can’t make it to the toilet before passing stones?”


“Listen Twilight, if you’ve ever loved me. I need a favor?” Spike interrupted.


“Either make me a puddle and throw me into a pool of lava, or just teleport me directly to the center of the earth,” Spike requested.

“Spike. I do love you, but I can’t do that to you,” Twilight replied consolingly.

“Yeah, sure. I’m going to the bathroom and get washed up. Laters Twi,” Spike huffed as he pushed off and walked up to the bathroom.

Twilight sat flummoxed as to what to do for Spike. Looking between his retreating form, she was conflicted on to going to him and giving him comfort or letting him have his space. Unfortunately for her, his story of him laying geodes made up her mind for her.

“Spike it can’t be as bad as you’re making it. Please open the bathroom door, so I can use it,” Twilight yelled through the bathroom door. Every passing second making her regretting not taking him up on his request to be teleported into the center of the earth. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was her cute, little baby dragon she’d do it. Although she was in denial about that fact, she was determined to think of him as her cute little hatchling, and it was that fact that kept her from blasting the door off the hinges.

“Sorry Twilight, I’ll be out in a minute. Oh, and the special toilet needs to be fixed. This one has gem shards stuck in it,” Spike’s mumbled reply came through the door.

“I’ll let Celestia know to send Dirty Jobs over to make the special order for this place. Although I still don’t know why this castle with all the stuff it made, didn’t include a dragon compatible potty,” Twilight grumbled.

Spike shuffled out of the bathroom, looking like a zombie, his dead eyes glazed with unshed tears, “There you go Twilight, I’m going to bed.”

Man it sucks being Arcanothermic. Sure there are things that are pretty cool, but special toilets that don’t get wrecked when I go number two, needing heat in the winter to keep my passive magic absorbtion and dragon fire up to its full potential are nuisances. And this thing with Rares is just the cherry on top of a rather shitty cake. Spike thought to himself as he packed his bundle stick. The thought of being a hobo was rather appealing at the moment, maybe go to where nopony knew about him and he could start fresh. At least as fresh as a dragon could get. The sun’s light muted by thick curtains, Spike looked up and mused to himself, I’ll have to wait until tonight. Making a run in the daylight isn’t how they do it in adventure stories.

He was shaken from his thoughts by a rapping on his door, “I don’t want to talk Twi. I’m brooding,” Spike yelled.

“Spikey Wikey?” he heard Rarity call.

“Why universe? What did I ever do to you?” Spike moaned before replying, “Hey Rares. Umm … why are you here?”

“Well it’ll be easier to talk to you if I could see you, you know?”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Spike replied. Looking at his bundle stick, definitely need to find my fake beard. Maybe even leave Pinkie a thank you letter for making it for me.

Spike waddled into the library, which he was certain that Twilight would take Rarity while waiting for him. There sitting on the love seat was Twilight and Rarity deep in discussion about something or other, “Hey I’m here. Can we speed up my execution? I have a need to see if the afterlife has a good exchange rate on comic books, and shame, I bet I can out nerd Grothar, the Minotaur god of nerds,” Spike said with as much self-depreciative humor as possible.

“I didn’t know the minotaurs worshiped deities, I mean they never heard of them worshiping Celestia?” Twilight said with an enthusiastic glee.

“Twilight … never change,” Spike replied.

“Anyways, Spikey Wikey, darling, I need to talk to you,” Rarity said with a light smile on her face.

“Come sit between us Spike, it’s been ages since we last snuggled,” Twilight said motioning the spot between them.

Universe, I swear I’ll find a way to shoot a fireball in your face. I don’t care what I have to do, you cruel, cruel, mule’s uncle. Spike fumed as he slid into the spot between them.

“Really, you to snuggle?” Rarity asked.

“Not as much as we used too. Although that’s as much my fault as it is Spike getting too old for snuggle time,” Twilight reminisced.

Seeing Spike’s furious blush, Rarity came for the save, “I find that you two do that to rather sweet. I’d wish that Sweetie would do that with me still, but she says she’s ‘a big filly’ and ‘big fillies don’t snuggle with their family’.

“I find it rather gentlecoltish of you. But what I came here for wasn’t to reminisce about Sweetie Belle when she was younger, no it was about ... “

“When you caught me lying geodes, yeah not much else could be the reason,” Spike snarked.

“Well that’s an … apt euphemisms. But yes, there was some small blessing in that little kerfluffle,” Rarity replied.

“Really, doing that, was a little kerfluffle?” Spike asked.

“Spike … I’ll tell you something, but I swear if you repeat it, or you Twilight, I’ll deny it and will never forgive you. Got it?”

After getting affirmations from Spike and Twilight, “Alright, last week when I went to Canterlot I ate some bad food at La Nourriture Avariée, well let’s just say that you can’t find a public toilet in Celestia’s Court. I ended up doing my business in an alleyway between Griswold’s Pizza, and Desire. I swear I was never so frightened, in my life, and Spike I should apologize to you. My shock at well … that, was very unlady like, and I wish to give my sincerest apologies in making a traumatic experience even worse for you.”

“Yeah, that really was a horrible moment, but you know I couldn’t hold anything against you,” Spike blushed.

“Well as I said there is some good that came out of this,” Rarity said.

“What is that?” Spike responded giving an adorable tilt of his head.

“Did you know that your … geodes contain gem chunks that don’t exist in nature?”

“I did!” Twilight said enthusiastically, bouncing excitedly in her seat like an over excitable school filly, “I can tell you how it works too!”

“Twilight, nopony is interested in dragon digestion. Heck even I’m a dragon, and I had to stop you from those experiments since they were not only gross, but boring,” Spike replied trying to clip the conversation in the bud. After all who would want to know about dragon poop.

“Nonsense darling, I really want to know,” Rarity replied leaning forward.

Forget a fireball universe, you’re getting a volcano dropped on you. The second I learn where you are and how to send one via dragon flame.

“Well you see Spike is Arcanathermic-” Twilight started.


“Ar-can-a-ther-mic,” Twilight enunciated, “it means that he uses magic and arcane energy to regulate his core temperature, both his own internal supply, outside sources, as well as from certain materials he consumes. Not only that but it controls his metabolism, development speed, what he will look like as he grows up, and augments his magical powers.

“It’s why dragons need hordes, collect magically powerful creatures as slaves and or prisoners in old stories, as well as gems and other magically potent things. Now when Spike eats gems, most of it goes into his body as needed minerals, trace metals, and magical nutrients. But the parts that don’t end up fused by thaumaturgic waste and end up being remade as new gems.

“But they are too small to use normally,” Twilight lectured in full on Twilight mode.

“Actually that’s where you’re wrong,” Rarity said, “Well you know how I am with gems … it was such a shame to just let gems go to waste … surprisingly your feces doesn’t stink, thank Celestia. But after much, much cleaning of them after magically extracting them. As well as making your deposit part of the soil for the seeds. I found your magnificent gems, and with a little magical fusion, made a perfectly useable gem. Well four gems, but still, that wasn’t the most interesting part.”

Twilight looked at her with a deadpan expression, “Seriously? Making entirely new gems aren’t the most interesting part?”

“Not at all, when I was cleaning the gem shards … which you’d think would be easier said than done. Quite tenacious grit it is,” Rarity shuddered, “It seems that the magical residue actually acts as a magic enhancer. I literally jumped a power level, and my horn was humming. If that property could be purified and condensed … and well taken out of where it comes from. It could make Spike millions of bits!”

“Well we knew his stuff can make you more powerful, but it’s not that useful,” Twilight replied.

“And why’s that? Is there some bad side effect?” Rarity whimpered.

“Nononono! Nothing like that. It’s just the rise is so miniscule I never noticed any difference in my magic work,” Twilight assured Rarity.

After slumping in relief. Rarity placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulders, “Twilight, you know I love you like friend right?”

“Yes?” Twilight drawed the word out as long as possible to accentuate her curiosity to know where this was going.

“Well you are you.”

“Yes I’m me? I’m glad we could clarify that. I was wondering who this strange consciousness was that was inhabiting this body,” Twilight snarked.

“What I mean to say is you’re ridiculously power, and extremely gifted. More so than most other unicorns will ever be.”

“Oh!” Twilight replied with a downtrodden sigh.

“It’s quite alright, but using you as a measure for a normal unicorn is unfair to anypony on any standards you wish to have. So when I say that it’s noticeable. I mean it’s noticeable, even now I feel as if my bodies humming with magic!” Rarity exclaimed.

“Okay so you’re saying I should start processing my loads?” Spike asked incredulously.

“And make sure to clean the gemstones thoroughly I mean to the highest standards you can immagine. But yes, I think it could with some help, and testing be quite the lucrative business for yourself.”

Little did he know just how right she’d be. It was a few weeks later when she came back while Spike and Twilight were working on extracting the magic boosting qualities of his new collection when Rarity burst in with some other new benefit from his deposits.

“Spike! I need you!” Rarity yelled as she rushed through the Experiment Room, Twilight had set up.

“Y-You need me?” Spike stammered while blushing a deep red.

“Yes! Those geodes you dropped, well the fertilizer made my plants not only turn out bigger, but they have the most beautiful shine to them. I must simply have more. I’ll pay any price!”

“Nah! Its … Its on the house,” Spike replied embarrassedly.

“I shan’t hear a no on the subject. Anything, anything at all,” Rarity commented.

“How about a date?” Spike ventured.

“As in a date date?” Rarity asked.

“Sure. I mean if that’s not to much.”

“No. Not at all, a date it is then. I’ll pick you up at eight tonight,” Rarity replied with a gleam in her eye.

“Okay, eight. I’ll bring some stuff over tomorrow. I kind of used the rest of it today for processing experiments,” Spike mumbled.

“Whenever you can make more is good enough.”

As Rarity left to get herself prepared for the date, which for her is an all day affair, Spike almost pulled a Pinkie Pie he was so excited, “You hear that Twilight I got a date!”

“I heard Cassanova. Just be careful, and no funny business. I don’t want to give you the talk until you’re at least five hundred. Or hopefully never,” Twilight said.

“I already know where babies come from. Your mom gave me the talk already,” Spike said with a smirk.

“Oh thank Celestia I don’t have to do that talk with you. I owe mom something nice,” Twilight sighed.

Spike shook himself from his memories. Looking at the processing plant outside of Ponyville. He was glad that he was able to talk dragons into exporting their droppings for a majority of returns of them gems gained from them. As well as first dibs on getting new products that were dragon specific in nature.

But after the busy year he had. He was at the top of the Fortune 500, with products going to every nation on the planet and more bits than Equestria saw in a single year. But his real treasure wasn’t being unalicornly rich, nor being president of Spike’s Geodes, or even that he could afford to let his friends from when he was poor live a life of luxury they deserved.

No his real treasure was a totally hot marefriend, who turned the most horrifying experience of his life, and helped him turn it into something good. You know what universe. I won’t be trying to off you after all. You did good.

Author's Notes:

No edits. Tried self editing here, don't know if I did it that well.

Ponified Names:

Armani name definition means desire or goal. Since Armani pieces are desirable. I chose Desire as the store name.

Griswold's Pizza was a pizza place in the mall where my sister in law used to work. And I think Griswold sounds like a good Gryphon name.

El Mono Enojado is "The Angry Monkey". I think it's a funny name. Especially for a restaurant.

La Nourriture Avariée: Spoiled Food in Prench.

Celestia's Court: A Court is a road that usually ends in a turn about or a cul-de-sac. And I think is both pretentious as well as something wealthy people would like to go to for shopping.


This story was inspired by PianoPony and that writer's fic http://www.fimfiction.net/story/265815/my-dragon-pooped-on-my-homework

Lastly the page dividers are my first attempt at making 3d art, and I thought an Equestrian Gold Bit was appropriate.

You can find the page to use it yourself, right here.

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