Fallout Equestria: Joker's Wild

These Balefire Times

Chapter 3 Star Crossed Town

Part 5 Finale: No, Seriously, Who's the Boss?

Alive. Was I feeling that right? Fuck, I didn’t care. Live or dead, I had things to do. Anger pulled me back from the floating world of delusion and everything fell into focus. It was always empowering to wake up to find that air was still pumping through your lungs. I was shivering. One part icy temperature, two parts angry temperament, and one part simple awe at the notion that I was still kicking. To have the luxury to wake up lying in a bed of my own blood... I had to consider myself lucky! The sight of the empty poultice, uncorked and lying on the blood soaked floorboards explained the sickening taste in my mouth. It gave me the worst kind of sense that I owed somepony. Could you blame a merchant for having a love-hate relationship with debts and favors? Even so, the discarded syringe gave me serious doubts. To the big glowing moon in the sky, hello... Rise and shine, right? Fuck that... I would do neither. I was grumpy.

The fire biting away at the auditorium's acoustic arches filled the air with the aroma of charcoal. My ears perked to the sounds in the distance. Gunfire and screams. It was a night for partying, and a blood red moon hung above, peering out from the hole in the clouds. It was a surreal kind of brahmin shit.

Was this it? The end of the world? It was starting to sound like fun. Regardless, there wasn't any way that lying like a damn corpse would get me anywhere. Coughing and gasping, I mustered the strength to rise, but suddenly everything turned to black and my legs betrayed me.

Fwapp...

I collapsed, my face diving into the floor's embrace like a familiar friend. I grit chagrin between my teeth. In the time that I was out, standing had become a bitch. I never remembered it being so damn hard. Listen legs… I call the shots. When I say ‘Jump!’ you say ‘How high?’ I was in for jolly old time tonight, I could feel it.

The bitching sounds of servos and clunking metal caught my attention, but they came with a new gurgling sounds. A black armored figure staggered towards me. It had the trademark limp of a veteran beggar, hopelessly reanimated by the insatiable hunger for caps and booze. Two things it would have to pry from my cold dead body. You had your chance. Something was off though... I never met a beggar in armor that went ‘whurrr--clichink’ or ‘gzztchyuu’. If the twin-linked deathray-looking things poking out of the sides weren't a dead give away, the manner in which its insectoid helmet cracked out of position struck me as a tad bit uncanny.

As it ambled closer, I pulled myself up, bracing against my fridge. I cursed under my breath the whole way. Guttural noises poured from the stumbling stranger. From beneath the sundered metal carapace, it began to bleed. It all started with a drip. Trickles became flows, catching the blood in the grooves of the armor. The blood was glowing. It bubbled forth like a boiling geyser. A burst of flesh and tissue twisted together forming a macabre appendage. The bleeding limb drenched in blood bulged and morphed. It lined itself with sharp teeth. The armored host lifted the malformed arm above its bow legged body.

I didn't have time to think! I lunged to counterattack but consciousness slipped away from me. When my vision came back, I had thrown my hooves over the parasitic abomination. I opened my mouth, expecting words to come out, but all that came out was pure rage. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! WHAT IS IT?! SOMEPONY TELL ME! THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?” I shouted at the top of my lungs. I shifted around, staring furiously at the mystery fucker I had managed to stumble upon. Frantically, I switched my grip around its neck several times as I almost slipped off. “ I’VE NEVER SEEN WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS!!” I screamed at the poor nightmarish fuckwaffle I had my belligerent hooves around. “WHAT LAND DO YOU HAIL FROM, YOU SHIT GOBBLING WAFFLE OF FUCKS!? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?! THIS TUMOR IS NEW! WHY IS THIS TUMOR NEW? I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS!” I just belted it out, royal canterlot style. ...I didn't care if it was a tumor from hell. “WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS IN MY WASTELAND HOW?!”

“Is this yours!?!?” I had never intended to yell, but my body told me that this was the best idea I’ve had in a long time.. The nightmarish creature flailed around me as I pulled it off of it's balance. I glared at the alicorn who killed me earlier, standing center stage. “Is this yours?! Is your hell rising yet?!” I yelled in a haze of spit. “I think I'm gonna name your demon Marla!”

The creature gave muted moans behind its mask. “Pipe down a fucking hush! Listen, I Only play to two strikes! I don't know if you believe in life after death, but interrupt me again and I guarantee that you will get to explore it for the rest of us!”

“Join! Die! Join! Die!” The abominable Marla spouted.... this time more clear than before.

I did what any sane pony would do and bit the thing in its fleshy arm thing. Another tendril burst from the punctured armor. I didn't know why I tolerated the first one, but I definitely didn’t appreciate the second one either. I really didn't appreciate that Marla started shooting nebulous green lasers from the magic weapons fixed to the sides of her armor.

“Out of the way, dumbass!”

Killjoy pulled me from Marla's not-so-sweet embrace. He swung his pony-pasting club up in an arc and sent the aberration flying into the cheap seats. The stone club slammed against the ground beside him. He looked back. “You and your piss-colored coat are welcome.”

Killjoy jumped as I crawled across the ground towards him. “What the hell did you do to me?!”

“I told death to piss off. Be a champ and show a little gratitude.”

“Killjoy, My eyes are bulging out of my head!”

“I'm impressed you can even talk on stampede. Most asswipes just scream incoherent garbage.” Killjoy said.

That little shit! “I know you did not just say that you put me on stampede!!” Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it! “Arrgh! You need to kill yourself, right now!”

Killjoy chuckled at me... obviously in fear of my impeccable logic. Okay, I could tell that yelling my brains out was not a smart thing to do, but I felt grand. I was mythically angry.

“You fucker...kaghgt... I need to kill myself? Pfft! Kahahaha...” Killjoy trailed off into silent but violent convulsion as he choked on fear or something. Good. I almost was pleased with his valiant compliance, but he suddenly stopped killing himself. “Shit, you're a stallion with some fucking words. Stampede makes you tough and crazy. You needed the first one to ensure your carotid artery and neck laceration wouldn’t open up until they’ve fully healed, but hot damn that second one is the best. Of my hail-mare choices, stabilizing your anemic dipshit ass was worth it... no regrets.” He was talking like I was buddy-buddy buds with him. Did I amuse him? His shit was starting to sound a lot less like killing himself and a lot more like he was laughing at me.

“I'm serious, giggleshit! Get with the program!” I shouted as I hung from the peak of Mt.Killjoy. “Expurgate yourself!”

Killjoy started walking away from the stage. As a pony with four noodles I called 'legs', so too I 'followed'.

“Or else you'll--”

“Or else I am gonna strangle you into a whole new shade of purple!” My volcanic anger poured out bringing Killjoy to his knees.

Writhing in the asphyxiating grip of laughter, he choked out what I assumed were his last words. “...okay.”

They were not his last words, but Killjoy was already down, and that pretty much meant I was down too. Damn it, Killjoy. Things weren't off to a good start, I had so many questions, and both of us were down.

“Right after I deal with princess over here. Hey you, Bitch!” I screamed toward the horny feather dusting two-for-one standing center stage.

“w-w-woah, w-what are you doing? Stop that.”

Killjoy and I both felt an icy fear scamper our spines as the red-brown-white alicorn turned to us with a smug look. We were going to die. My body begged me, ‘say something.’ It tried to tell me that it was a good idea, and I wouldn’t regret it.

“Yeah! You!” I boomed. Sure, I was scared, but I was also really really angry. I had questions damn it.

A wall of glowing force slammed through Killjoy. Thhwvuumm! He didn't take me or his pony pasting club with him either. He went rolling into the auditorium pit. I was starting to feel a bit jealous when a tight telekinetic aura ripped me off the ground by my neck.

“What?” She growled.

I had her right where I wanted her: At eye level and in hooves reach. With an unyielding fury, I launched my hoof at her, coursing with flaccid, pedestrian judgment.

…I wasn't even remotely in range. This stupid drug was fucking with my head.

“I'm surprised you're still alive.” She said as she carried me along for a promenade. In the light of the magic glowstick stuck to her sweaty face, she squinted at me with her bloodshot eyes. She grit her teeth to show off her scowling muscles. Floating through the air made me feel weak like a giant baby...

… but I was a baby in need of fucking answers! “...” Fuck! I forgot my question. It was not a good day to be Tumbleweed's brain. Wait! Moon! Crazy tumor bastards! I cast my arms to my sides. “What kind of necromantic voodoo brahmin shit is all of this?!” Hovering in the magical aura, I felt rather majestic.

My aerial renaissance was short lived. I plummeted from on high and the stage quaked at the impact of my face.

She cackled to herself as she pinned my head to the ground with a hoof. “How does it feel to be stomped into the ground like the worm you are?” She said as she cast a shadow over me with her wings.

She grinned as I struggled to stand. I had things that I wanted to say, but I had to bottle them up for a rainy day. I found myself able to force myself up to my elbows...

It was because she let me.

She stomped me flat against the ground. “Let me teach you a lesson. The only thing that matters in this cruel world is power.” She said sending a sadistic lightning down her hoof. “Favor belongs to the strong.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Killjoy hesitantly approaching. She leaped to the air before I could tell her to 'step-off!'.

Killjoy turned back in a sprint. A veil of red magic grabbed at his hind leg and Killjoy collapsed into screams of agony. He flailed his hooves as the muscle stretched. Killjoy screamed as the leg was torn from his body.

“There is no escape for the weak.” She said as she walked towards him, levitating the stone club. “That fear is just the compulsion of the body to submit to the natural order.” Light enveloped the dismembered leg, carrying it to the shivering Killjoy's stump. Light began rapidly connecting the muscle fibers back to the leg. Every nerve was torn free and incinerated before being painfully reformed. Flesh tore open, carving and threading skin to form a more proper sutre. She giggled as Killjoy writhed in the healing fog. It was a uniquely painful agony that he was not used to as the muscle, tendon and nerve fibers sewed into their proper counterparts. As soon as it was all attached, a wave of synaptic messages from the severed leg rushed back into Killjoy’s body in a single concentrated convulsive burst. “Pain is the body punishing the mind for disobeying fear.” She put the tip of the stone club to Killjoy's neck. He didn't dare look away, and his face contorted and clenched his pain away. “You will call me, Misera, and you now serve me.”

I could feel that rotten scent blow down wind. There were two things that didn't have a place in my world, and the grander of the two was slavers. I nearly raged myself unconscious. Serve? I'd rather die... And the only thing I was going to call her was 'You', as in short for 'You fucking bitch.' That was short for a whole bunch of other colorful, derogatory things. I propped myself up on my refrigerator. “Where the hell do you think you're going?! I'm not finished with you!” I hollered.

The calico wanna-be princess turned to me, dropping the rock club on Killjoy.

“... With either of you!” I screamed while pointing furiously.

It was not unpredictable that a podium, ripped from the auditorium stage, would be flying into me in my immediate future. Even as weak as I was, a tumbleweed was good at rolling, especially after being hit by flying furniture.

“Tell me, do I need teach you again?” Lady Wing Boner said as she hoisted me up in the air by my neck.

“I'm the one asking the questions here!” I grunted trying to flex my neck muscles. I didn't want the words 'Magically hugged to death' anywhere need my gravestone. I pointed to the creature lurking in the corner. “What kind of butt-munching tumorite is that?!”

I barely finished speaking when she bounced my head against the ground. She dragged my face across the ground towards the thing in the corner.

“Take a good look.”

It was a bastardly looking thing. I think it had to have been a pony at some point... the carcass of the unity alicorn that got shredded to pieces. The bloody mess was festering and grotesque, but it wasn't dead. No, something was wearing it like a macabre coat. The torso had a ravine that split down the neck. It was lined with teeth that snarled at me. The wings had been stripped of feathers and refined into spikes, but it seemed like it was still working on how to walk with them. I think it decided the head at the end of its neck worked much better as some kind of pincer. On the flank of the neck, two deep holes sank into the body. There was a faint red glint deep within their eyes. Looking into the eyes felt terrifying. It was like something was crawling inside me. It stole my anger away for a moment.

“Vengeance begins with putting angry souls in empty bodies.” She said keeping me just close enough to the mutated blood doll that she could see me squirm. “Goddess is a name for a thieving whore. Everything I could ever have she took from me. My body, my memories, my soul... and I was powerless to stop her.”

“Get back here, you tail-headed coward!” I shouted out. That bastard, Killjoy, was buggering off.

Like the bitch out of hell she was, she tossed me straight into Killjoy. “If she is the Goddess, then I will become the devil.” She said. “With my power, I will wring this world of the answers it has denied me. The broken world should tremble under its new queen.”

Something about that last line felt weird to me, but I couldn't figure it out. It was like my mind was dancing around it. Fuck! What was it?

“Fuck everything I've said. I should have left your ass for the crows.” Killjoy said. He tried to run off, but I lassoed my hooves around him.

“Shut up, I know what I'm doing!” I shouted.

Killjoy kept chugging along. “That's the stampede talking.”

“Okay, question!” I shouted. “How am I still alive?!”

“Alright, you angry little piss horse. Stampede 101. It makes your body really fucking durable. It is a shit-fucking magic combat drug.”

Ahoy! The princess of bitchiness cut us off. She started pulling me in with a telekinetic grip, but I held fast to the S.S. Killjoy. I could ride out this storm.

“Get the hell off of me!” Killjoy said as we got flung down stage.

“Tag out! Hell-bitch just keep talking to me and I don't care! Get in there!”

“Don't you drag me into this.” Killjoy said as my head was being smashed into the soil.

“Come on, you need to get better at 'not dying'! It's a team thing!” I yelled as we were being flung back up to the stage. The alicorn tried to strangle us with the broad side of Killjoy’s club.

“I am going to tourniquet your head!”

Killjoy shoved me off of him and watched as I got dragged away by my own tail.

The alicorn-I-really-didn't-want-to-say-the-name-of was right there, staring at me. The grip around the club dropped and Killjoy gasped for air.

“What are you going to do now? Kill me?!” My breathing was heavy. My body hurt all over, but the worst thing was that I couldn't think. My head was foggy. I was a clever bastard, I should be able to get out of this, but I was coming up dry.

“Kill you? You think too much of yourself. The weak cannot contest the strong. There wouldn't be any reason to.” She smiled with sadistic revelry. “You are a toy to entertain me.”

With that, a javelin of silver light hovered beside me. I was sent flying into the plateaued amphitheater seats as it speared me through the chest.

I thought for sure I was going to die, but I should have realized the searing healing hurt more than death. I kicked and screamed till I passed out.

Killjoy was shivering as he watched me get launched across the ground. His nostrils twitched as a creature slithered in behind him. A fan of sharp sickle-like tendrils slashed down at his back.

“Ahhghh! Sneaky fucks.” He growled as the blades clipped him.

“Join... purge... world is rotten...” The abomination incoherently recommended from the toothy maw that cut up its neck. It carried itself on the wings that were its spikes.

“Y'know, This...” Killjoy said as he hauled up the massive club. “...Is how I like to handle solicitors.”

In a sweeping arc, the club pulverized flesh, bone, and air like it was all the same. The creature’s glowing blood splattered out of across the stage.

It was still moving.

It was like it didn't care. Pulsing boils of flesh pulled the ruptured body back together. The eyes on the carcass’ neck stared deep into Killjoy. What once was the alicorn's skull split down the middle with long fangs unfolding from each section.

“I don't care if you keep coming, you're going to be a stain!”

I had come back to consciousness soon enough to see Killjoy make eye contact with the eyes on the creature's neck as he swung down on it. In that moment, something seemed weird with him... like he saw his own death as his weapon crushed the creature’s torso.

Glowing amber veins spilled across Killjoy's body. The scar-striped raider staggered. He reached a hoof to his heart as he stumbled back, down stage. He clenched his teeth. His eyes twitched violently as shudders echoed throughout his body.

He doubled over as the visceral discharge erupted from his mouth. His body seized. Every heave poured more blood and bile out of his mouth until it pushed him off the stage. He hit the ground with thud. The strange mutated flesh golem crawled over to the edge of the stage, leering down over Killjoy.

Damn it, Killjoy! What did I say about dying? Our time was short if we were stuck under wonderbitch's hoof, but damn it, my brain felt like it was made of rocks. There was this big hole in my head. I felt like I was staring at the solution but couldn't fucking see it. Alright, I needed to do something, I just didn't know what... I started shuffling through my packs.

“Tough Cookie!!”

Successive spiralling tongues of green fire lashed against the monster, each one making it shrivel and wane. Midnyte stormed across the stage knocking the creature aside as she leaped down to Killjoy.

“Fu... ahgh fah-ahk. Midnyte, get out-ghh of here.” Killjoy said, sputtering his physiological humours. “And...ahg... don't call me Tough Cookie.”

Midnyte floated a potion out from her saddlebag. “Damn it, Killjoy. You can't die. Not here! You have responsibilities now.” She said as she forced the noxious purple potion down the earth pony's throat.

Killjoy gulped the potion down. “What are you doing? Trying to lecture me to death?”

Midnyte smiled in relief.

“Get out.” Killjoy said with widening eyes. “Get out now!”

Before Midnyte could turn around a silver and red aura ripped her off the ground. The alicorn behind her cackled in malevolence.

“Ah, what a touching moment...” The patchwork alicorn derided.

Killjoy leaped up from the pool of blood. “Damn it. Get off her! Leave her out of this.” Killjoy's eyes twitched in earnest.

“What is she to you? Friend? Lover? It doesn't really matter, does it?”

“You can do whatever you want to me, just don't touch her.” Killjoy barked as he looked back at his friend struggling and kicking in the air.

“If you put it like that, then I just have to do something to her.”

As the shimmering light swirled around Midnyte's front left hoof, Midnyte's eyes darted around in panic. “Ahgh!” She clenched her teeth as pain surged through her. “Ahhh! Ahhhhhhh!” Midnyte screamed as she kicked the air in a mad panic, trying to pull herself out of the grip. She tossed her head side to side violently as her leg was sliced at the second joint.

“Drop her! Drop her now!” Killjoy roared. He breathed pure anger, in and out.

The sadistic alicorn smiled as she sealed the wound. Her magic cloud tossed the lifeless limb back at Killjoy. “I still have a lot of time to wait, so how about we play a little game.” She said looking at the shivering mare floating in her spell. “You can help me quite a lot.”

The corona around the devil pony's horn expanded as arcane bolts of static rippled through the air. The glimmering aura formed a ring around Midnyte as the air within it began to warp. Reality tore apart forming a portal. With her magic, the alicorn cast the maimed Midnyte into the shifting rift.

“Misera, you bitch! What did you do to her?! Fuck! I swear to Celestia I will break every damn bone in your body.” Killjoy thundered as he leaped up to the stage. Without fear or hesitation he collided with her shield. Shockwaves echoed through the magic forcefield as Killjoy relentlessly pummeled his hooves against it, again and again. “Give her back you arrogant bitch!” He screamed as he slammed ever part of his body against the barrier.

...But the shield held.

Her face bloomed with sinister glee at Killjoy's rage. “Why don’t you listen, before you get hurt? To help me, all you have to do is go rescue her. She is alive. She is locked away in that MAS facility, although, with all the dangers in there, alone and with her injuries, she won't last long.”

“Bring her back! Bring her back right now!” Killjoy yelled as he continued his savage assault on the alicorn’s shield.

The alicorn bitch reared back as she gathered light in her horn. Flapping her wings down, she expelled a spiraling concussive vortex that tossed Killjoy tumbling towards me.

'There it is!' I thought to myself as I stumbled upon the little tin from the ministry of morale building. Even as thick headed as I was right now, I could tell that this was a bad idea. I wasn't getting any healthier under Super Conehead's hoof. This seemed as good a time as any for a bad idea.

I popped a mintal.

“Woah.” I mumbled to myself. It was like waking from a long slumber. I could finally think. The fury still burned underneath, but the shackles around my mind fell apart. Gazing out across the amphitheater back at the stage, I just let myself bask in the wonderful situation I had gotten into. The images of that dream rushed to forefront of my mind and I grinned.

I feel a whole world I couldn't see before. From the gunfire of the far off panic, to the myriad of screams, confused, angry, and otherwise, my senses were reaching far.

“No wonder we couldn't find the town.” I whispered under my breath.

I hobbled over to Killjoy as he struggled to pull himself up. Blood trickled down the contours of his face, but like an idiot he still wanted to fight. As I hobbled, I made a point to pick up chain-gang’s severed leg. “Calm down, tea kettle.” I chided.

“I've got to stop her. I have to.”

Look at him, fully automated but missing a few parts. “Remember when I said I know what I'm doing? Well... I know what I'm doing. Trust me.” I said with a cocky aggression. When I opened up my fridge, in went the leg, and out came a container of soup. I needed this. Tired, aching, and furious, if I was going to get myself killed, I sure as hell didn't feel like doing it on an empty stomach. It was a cold elixir, perfect for the beat down that was about to happen.

“Mintal?” I offered the tin to my ally by circumstance.

He shook his head.

“Soup?” I offered the half full tupperware container of soup.

He declined again in confusion.

Tossing the container of soup to the wayside, I wiped the dripping gumbo from my chin. Closing up the fridge, I smiled at the raider. “I need you to do exactly as I say.” I whispered.

Killjoy grit his teeth as he wrestled his battered body to his hooves. “Get in my way--”

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll tear out my spine, grind me into medicine, use my skull as a paper weight. Later. Right now, I need you brace this for me, heavy weight, and try to look confident.” I instructed.

Killjoy dropped his bravado and moved into position, bracing against the fridge.

“This is going to either be a miracle, or get us killed. Either way, it's gonna be a good show.” I said as I cracked my neck from side to side.

“What the hell are you planning?” Killjoy asked.

“We're going to town.” I said as I saw the horn fluffer turn about on the stage

I slovenly leaned off the top of the refrigerator as she flapped her wings. “Hey! Phallic Face!” I shouted.

That got her attention.

“Yeah, you! Water mammal, center stage!” I yelled letting the fury pour out just a bit. “Don't think you can run away from me! I'm not done with you yet.”

“Apparently you haven't had enough...” She said as she dropped her hooves back to the stage.

“Do you feel it?!” I said as I tossed my hooves out to the side and basked in the moonlight.

“Feel what?” That was what the hook sounded like. She couldn't even feel it pull.

“That natural order coursing through your veins?” I slumped over the fridge.

She smiled like some kind of fool. “Are you submitting to your Queen?”

“You spout a lot of shit, you know that? I'm guessing you’re fresh to the wasteland, so I'll let you in on something. You can't lie to a wastelander, we see through shit clear as day!” That of course was a mix of lie and truth, but being honest never had anything to do with being right. “So let me say this again... How does it feel to be weak and afraid?”

“Weak?! Afraid?! The idea of such a thing is-”

“Tearing the sky a new asshole doesn't make you a goddess.” I interrupted. “The unity has you spooked, and you cast a fancy net to keep them away. Nothing preposterous about that.”

“The Unity are insignificant flies! I merely cast my spell to keep pests at bay.” She said as she pushed to the edge of the stage. “I think I'll keep your tongue when I kill you.” She remarked. Her horn flared, swelling with magic power.

“I thought you said there would be no reason to kill me? Something about ‘the weak can not contest the strong’ or something like that?”

I could see the memories flashing back to her. Her magic only faded for a moment, before she growled, summoning her power through the dildo on her head. “For you will make an exception!”

I slammed a hoof behind Killjoy's neck pushing it against the fridge.

“What are you... You fucking coward.” Killjoy gasped.

“Trust me. Look.” I said with a grin.

The alicorn hesitated. The magic dispersed from her horn.

“You've got high hopes for Tough stuff over here.” I said as I let Killjoy up. “It shows how weak you really are. Ponies don't make deals for nothing, and I’m willing to bet that you didn’t open the sky for nothing either. I don't know anything about magic, but that moon is part of it. Looks like you've got training wheels on.” I snickered. Hate me. Hate me more!

“You know nothing about me.”

“You don't know anything about yourself.” I retorted. “The all powerful don't know the meaning of the word opportunity, but you... You’re biding your time.”

“I bow to no one. My hesitation is by pure whimsy.” She barked. I could see her squashing me in her little head. At that rate, she was going to eat her own teeth, and I didn’t have to do anything.

“Whimsy my flank! You're terrified!” I said scuffing a hoof off Killjoy. “That thing in MAS? We know about it.” I growled. We didn't know about it, but I was willing to bet everything on it. “That little something's got you hiding in the hills because you know you can't deal with it yourself. You need the raiders.” It really came down to that. She had to be trying to break up the raider crossfire at the MAS. After all, it was the only thing worth waiting for in this town.

She grimaced. Growling, she opened her wings. Motes of light glimmered as her magic boiled effervescent around her horn. Lightning began to arc. Good. She began gasping as she strained her magic. “You've tested my patience. There are other raiders. I will kill both of you.”

“I thought you wanted to know more about who you are?!” I shouted over the sound of her magic.

The pouring light faded from her eyes. She dropped her posture only for a brief moment. “Lies!” She shouted. Breathing heavy, she seethed as she mustered power in her horn. She jumped down to the pit of the amphitheater.

“Your loss... It's a damn shame.”

This was a live or die moment. She stood with power surging through her horn. The air was getting heavy. She stared at me as I gave my calmest, most solemn eyes.

Her glow faded away from her horn. She trembled. “What do you know?”

I smiled and closed my eyes. “You know, puppets are no longer convincing when you can see the strings.” Just saying it pissed me off.

The radiation hot potato with wings glanced around. “What do you mean? Did I say that? Are those my words?” She bumblefucked.

A terribly ugly grin crawled across my face from ear to ear. “No. No, you didn't.” I said in calm voice. I let my animosity boil up. I cackled. My hair flung from side to side as I vigorously shook my head. I had her wrapped up. “Give somepony a little bit of power and they think they are the most powerful thing in the wasteland.” I sneared. “Hell is rising, but it's not your demons.”

“You! What do you mean?! This is my power!” She panted.

“You don't even know that you're a pawn in all this.”

“I am not a pawn.”

Hit her where it hurts, that was the plan.

My tail snapped through the air with a sonic whipcrack. “Rumor says it's the end of the world! Hate to break it to you, sugar plum, but I have bigger fish to fry!” I shouted. “So, get outta my way!”

“Enough. Tell me what you know about me or I will turn you into dust.” She ordered, stamping her hooves down to the ground.

I almost lost my cool at how funny she was. She was really green. It was seldom that I got to play around with such a good sport. “Well, you're in for a treat, because I don't know a damn thing about you.” I said chuckling. Killjoy turned to me shaking furiously.

“What?!” The little demon erupted, quaking with anger. She tensed up as she began collecting the silver and red light in her horn, the medallion on her chest searing hot; however, this time, it was a slow trickle of power.

“I lied! Welcome to the Wasteland, bitch!” I said with a grin.

Gusts of wind began to howl through the valley of the amphitheater as she built up power in the nexus of her horn. She began to rise up into the air from magic alone. Arcane spelldust coalesced above her in a sphere of magic plasma.

“Ahhghhh! You! I'll destroy you!” She screamed as she continued pooling her energy.

I was beginning to get jitters. Maybe, I underestimated her endurance. I didn't have any more tricks. I couldn't take her for another round if I wanted. As I looked around, there was nothing I could use. Nothing of value. Nothing of importance. Nothing that could save me.

I grinned. “Please... You couldn't kill me the first time!!” I shouted.

“I’ll wipe your entire existence! You've made me cross!” Spell-lightning zapped across the ground. The resonant hum of magic roared from her horn. The ground was shaking.

Hehehe, I made her mad... Good, I was trying to, I wasn't done just yet. I winked at Killjoy with a smile, whispering a “Get ready.” in his ear. “Hey, Misera!” I shouted. Just saying the name left a putrid taste in my mouth. “One more thing!” I slammed a hoof down on the fridge and cracked my tail. I pointed my hoof at the alicorn. “YOUR NAME SUCKS!” I screamed it with every bit of passion I had in me. It felt really good. “I THINK I'M GONNA CALL YOU 'CALICO!'”

The sphere of energy burst into arcane flames. I got the idea that Calico didn't like her new name, but really, who the hell gets to name themselves? Fuck her! Calico screamed like she was trying to squeeze every last ounce of energy out of her ass and face.

“There will be nothing left!” She growled.

Yeah, yeah... turn me to dust, keep me in an ashtray, I got it. I looked up. I took a deep breath. “TAKE THE SHOT!” I yelled, making sure it could be heard over the resounding vibrations from Calico’s magic phallus.

“As you wish!” She said as she arched back to launch the swirling mass of arcane death.

Egotistical to the very end. She thought I was talking to her.

There he was, perched high up on the Town Hall’s balcony, his hind hoof on the banister and righteously pointing a spurred hoof straight up to the moon in the heavens… My guardian angel.

“What the fuck kind of name is 'Misera'? That just sounds pretentious...”Calypto mused to himself as he brought down the revolver, slicing his hoof through the air as he took aim. Didn’t he have something better for this sort of thing? Apparently not... Even from the ground I could see that bastard’s grin. Three bullets ripped through the air. Two missed, but the last pierced right through her shoulder.

“Brace now!” I yelled at Killjoy.

The horrifying mass of swirling energy flickered and morphed as Calico thrashed against pain. The roaring starburst flew off center. The ground quaked. The eruption of force tore a long fissure through the ground. The earth opened up to swallow us. Everything went right as planned. Nothing I could use? That is just the utility of nothing. It was everything I needed. The earth had my back.

Killjoy and I fell down into the dark abyss.

Hey, Calypto... I found the town.

*** *** ***

Delirious, I came to consciousness. It was the second time in a single day, and I was honestly skeptical of me even being alive. I swear if I pass out one more time today, I am going to be pissed. I tried to move, but I was bound. It was dark, and the air smelled old and dusty. Behind me, it appeared I had a binding buddy.

“Hey! Idiot.” Somepony was clearly talking to me. “You dead?” The voice of Killjoy called out.

“I don’t know, how about you?”

“You snarky asswhip.”

“Where are we?”

“We’re underground.”

“huh... I always thought hell would be more… impressive.”

“If you’re dead, then it ain’t my fault...” Killjoy said with monotone apathy.

“I was wondering about that. You know a lot about medical things.” I asked.

“Long time ago, I wanted to be a doctor… but screw my stars, my town didn’t need doctors. We needed supplies. Needless to say, I found other things that I was good at.” Killjoy gritted his teeth. “I’m gonna tear that Calico bitch limb from limb. Maybe I’ll give her a taste of her own medicine.”

“Sorry for you loss…” I said. I was a bit happy that the name was sticking.

“Fuck off.”

I never met a pony with a more apt name. He was a drop of golden sun and I was tied to him. Hopefully this wasn’t a permanent arrangement.

Killjoy simmered down. “Hey asshole…” He said in grave tone, though there wasn’t much joy left to kill. “That thing you said up above ground… You said it was the end of the world. The way you said it, I don’t think you were talking about the megaspells...”

“I’m not really sure what I was talking about, but it was something, and I was talking about it.” End of the world, that was what the forecast said. Weather in the wasteland was never friendly. I wanted to believe I was going crazy, but I had this crazy idea that I was misfortunately sane and sober. Hell was paying a visit, just as prophesized. Those nightmarish corpse creatures were definitely her doing… Calico didn’t have a clue. What was the doomsday mare trying to accomplish here? I really didn’t know. “For the wasteland, it is looking like it is going to be a holiday. A regular party in the Ponyville Hellhole.”

“Raiders, mercs, big horners, alicorns, and now these freaky nightmare things? It doesn't make any sense. I don't believe one radio station could motivate this many raider just on coincidence. I’ve had theory for a while, but this proves it for me. There is something in this town. It’s pulling ponies in, and it all comes down to that MAS building.”

“Sounds like a lot of crazy talk.”

“And crazy is what is going on outside. Do you have a better explanation?”

“Can’t say I do.” Not with any hard evidence, anyway. Dreams were always transient things and they would certainly fuck with your head. Dying is easy when you follow false prophets. I could have just been delusion near death.

“Then shut the hell up!” Killjoy said with a cold ire. “You don’t get it. I’ve had dreams about this place. It is like it is calling me.”

I turned my head to look at the pony in the darkness. “Dreams, huh?” Consider my interest perked. I couldn’t see his face, but I got the idea that he looked more calm and serious than I had ever known him to be. It was almost like he was a different pony.

“I’ve seen visions of this place. There is a lot of screaming, a lot of pain, like they are voices of the past. I’ve walked these same streets at night, even though I had never been here. I see this castle out in the middle of the town, made of pure gemstones. I thought I’d find something by coming here fighting for the crown, but I haven’t found anything. Even in my dreams, I can’t reach it. I see that MAS facility, and it howls like a demon. There is something in there. Fuck, I just know it. Something alluring, trying to draw me in.”

I nodded accordingly. “Then what?”

“Wha-Hey hey hey, we are not friends! Got that? The fuck you think you’re interrogating me for? Step the fuck down!”

“Have you seen a white mare with an emblem of a snake eating its own tail.” I asked.

The way he shut up was a little bit unnerving. “...how do you know that?”

It was stuffy and dark, but the lack of light made every sound more vibrant. I picked up the sound of hoof steps. A door I didn’t even know was there opened up. A grizzled unicorn with a pale blue coat came in levitating a faintly glowing gemstone. On her sides were two earth ponies, brandishing articulate spears, each with a faint aura of spelldust spiraling along the edge of the blade.

The unicorn shut the door and stared into my eyes and I saw that her eyes were faded and gigantic, as if gasping for tiny specs of light. With the motion of a hoof, the blades of the spears were pointed at us.

“Raider, What is going on above ground? Don’t waste my time or you won’t live long.” The nearly blind mare said as she glared at me with her empty faded eyes.

“You have quite the imagination you must have to make that sort of claim. Raiders? Ha! If you didn’t have a weapon at my throat, I might feel offended. Merchants, mam. We are merchants. My name is Tumbleweed, and I am trailblazer from the Glory Road company.”

“Don’t fuck with us!” No-eyes ordered. “We know what a raider looks like. The one behind you looks like a barbarian.”

“Excuse me, that is no way to speak to my son.” The lack of blood was making me loopy, and I wasn’t sure this was a good idea, but hey, nothing ventured, right?

“Your son?” the mare squinted at me.

“Forgive his appearance.” I leaned in to whisper. “He’s in a bit of a rebellious phase.” One of the guards nodded in comprehension. I shook my head with a sigh. “If you can look past that, he really is a good kid. Isn’t that right, Tough Cookie?”

“…I’m a year older than you.” Killjoy muttered under his breath before I tensed up the ropes binding us. “…er…yes, Dad.”

“You seem rather young to be his father.” The mare said scrutinizing my complexion.

“Oh, you flatterer, you! I am so glad you noticed! It is really amazing what pre-war cosmetics are capable of. You can’t even tell that they’re there.” I said giving her my good side.

The wasteland was a magical place of mind boggling things, and age hiding cream was hardly an unbelievable occurrence. Things like that were rare, but not unheard of. The mare rested on her thoughts as I tried my best to look endearing and honest. She stood back a moment and consulted with her guards. After a moment of convening, the unicorn mare stepped forward.

“Suppose we believe you… Why are you here?”

The short answer was ‘We fell down a hole torn by a crazy bitch alicorn,’ but it would have been nice to have something more convincing. For a while, I was nervous about what I would do when I tried to explain to my boss that galloping straight into a raider clusterfuck didn’t constitute as “finding trouble” because I asked a robot, and he agreed with me, but now I didn’t have to worry about any of that at all. I had a perfectly good reason. Tilting my head to the side, I looked to the mare with a confidence that denied my current health.

“I am here on business. I come as an ambassador of the Glory Road company in order to open up new routes of trade for the grand welfare of our wasteland.”

“hmph! Opening trade isn’t one of our chief priorities right now.”

“You have problems, eh captain? hehe... Of course you do. Your upstairs neighbors are the worst!” I grined. “I’ve met ‘em.” I said giving a friendly lean, even to the mooks pointing spears at my head. “ That isn’t your only problem, is it?” I said taking a moment to calm myself. “If I had to place my wager, I’d bet that prolonged life underground has presented problems of its own, hasn’t it?”

“Didn’t you listen before? We aren’t interested in trading wares. Find your caps somewhere else.”

Caps? I looked like they had been topside after all. I laughed. “Well ‘mam, The nature of trade is more than just supplies. On behalf of the Glory Road company, I come as a problem solver, blazing trails through the obstacles to trade, no matter how high the walls. Solving problems is my business, and business is booming.” I said, chiseling charisma from every angle of my face. I glanced from side to side. “I also sell food…” I muttered. For all my joking, I looked her in her eyes with a bit of smirk. “From what I can see, you aren’t in a position to refuse, are you?”

“Sounds like a sweet deal...” She squinted at me. “Sickeningly sweet... What are you after?”

“You’re quick. Good. We like that. Nothing less than expected of the leader of the town. You are the leader, are you not?” My words made the mare double take.

“I am.” The mare said with a softer skepticism. “How did you know that?”

“Normally a grunt can’t make decisions outright, but you are a little bit forward. You also seem to be very protective of the town. I’m just looking at the clues, captain.” I said grinning. “The mission of Glory Road is one of goodwill, but we have just a few rules. You seem smart and I can tell you want specifics, so I’ll bypass my bullshit. Our primary intention is for trade advantage. My company is willing to make generous investments in both service and caps, but in exchange we want trade preference in your town.”

“You can’t be serious! You help us in one time of need so you can gut us with a monopoly?! I should have you executed right here!” She said spitting flecks of liquid on my face. Clearly, not a fan. Not a response in the middle of the bell curve, but definitely on the bell curve. Needless to say, the guards pointed the magic spears to my head. “Do you know what these are? They are dousing talismans recrystallized for combat purposes. They will drain the blood out of you until you are nothing but an old husk.”

Dousing talismans? Those were spiffy little things. In the recycling wasteland tradition, talismans were a wasteland favorite. The scariest thing about them? Sometimes they worked! “Rest assured, we have no intentions on monopoly. I am impressed. You clearly care a great deal for the wellbeing of your town.” As I spoke, the captain motioned to her guards to lower their weapons. “Enslaving a town with monopoly doesn’t help our cause. We want to make for a stronger wasteland, and we need every responsible town we can find to be as strong and independent as possible. We do not ask for exclusive trade rights, we merely wish for a tax on competitors products for the time being.”

“The deal still seems a little sweet. I think you are holding back.”

She really cared about the wellbeing of the town! “I can’t sneak anything past you, can I?” I laughed. “Of course, we want the returns for the tax. It wouldn’t be a large tax, only 10-15% and subject to negotiation, but it would be a suitable buffer against particularly robust competition. We don’t want to be run into the ground by some burn out competitor. Also, we want a 20% cut of profits on products sold to other settlements, but from those we will deduct from caravan fees and we will adjust the price to make that suitable. We aren’t monsters, just business ponies.” I sighed. Parroting the business talk was part of the job, but this late at night, it was just torture. Stop it, Tumbleweed! My boss’s vengeance would be swift with hellfire and brimstone. Give ‘em the business face! “We also want to have a representative stay in your town to be able to keep tabs on pertinent information about your needs and major events in the area that our caravans might need to keep an eye out for. We ask that as long as you are with us, you don’t outright shoot our caravans, but we understand absolute impunity costs extra. We don’t have the horsepower to ensure that every caravanner is above criminal temptations. If you do choose to shoot our caravaners, please refrain from stealing the merchandise.” I always got a kick out of that one. “We will try to send a more suitable agent to pick them up, and hopefully, it will never happen again.”

The captain began to pace. She turned to me. “Is that all?”

“Not quite. Just a little bit more… Hey, it hurts to say it as much as it does to hear it. I feel you. The suits in Junktown put together hell of a contract. Anyway, we ask that you participate in a brief census. Statistics are very interesting to us as business ponies, and while we won’t ask to delve into the privacy of your townsponies, we are interested in knowing general information about them.”

“Statistics? We get to decide on what statistics are fair.”

“My boss assumed that from the beginning.” My boss would have been proud. For the whole situation she would kill me, but this was what I was hired for, and for this, she would be proud.

“Any last articles?”

“Ah yes, Town meetings! Whatever the hell you do to govern yourselves, we want a representative in it.” I added to her contempt.

“And so it comes to light.” She said shaking her head. Her armor shuffled towards me. “You’re just grabbing for power.” She glared defensively.

“We don’t ask for a vote, just for a voice and an ear. We don’t really need to grab for power. We already have it. For the sake of our other clients, we just want a defense against conspiracy.”

“No deal. I’m not getting swindled into slippery slope deals. I won’t bow to some sneaky money-powered warlord.” The mare turned around and headed for the door.

Swindle? That was something I might personally do on a case by case, but it was not the sort of thing the pony who wrote this contract was looking for. My boss had a big heart. “Hold up!” I called out. The mare stopped at the door. “My boss had this crazy idea. The wasteland is a unkind place for everypony. It is often kill or be killed, out of a matter of need... But what if we could address that need directly? Bringing trade from one group to another, they could help keep each other alive. My boss is always telling me, the nature of trade is harmony, and it is what connects us together. She told me, no more royals, only ponies. I believe in my boss’s ideal. In the spirit of harmony, I’d like to remind that this is a negotiation. We are willing to compromise. It is our intention to facilitate fair deals, and to put in place balances of power in order to protect your interests as a client.”

The mare sat at the door looking back at me. After a moment, she called her guards out, although leaving the dim lamps in the room. It was quiet for a moment as they left. Suddenly, I felt something strike me in the back of my head.

“The hell was that?” Killjoy barked at me. “Calling me your son? Really?!”

“Be grateful! I could have said you were my dog, and then you would be dead and embarrassed. We were lucky they bought any of what I had to say.” I said back.

Killjoy gritted his teeth. “Tumbleweed the caravaner, eh? You don’t fight like a merchant.”

“Thanks. I’ve had a lot of good teachers. I’ve been training for quite a while, I would hope that I’m better than a merchant.” I said in pride of my abilities in the sweet science of martial arts. “The caravaners aren’t going to be happy about you calling them weak.”

“Maybe I should just kill you and take your stuff. That would save me a headache and sound like a pretty good time.”

“Hey, I will get another chandelier, and I will beat your ass.”

Killjoy swung his head back at me again, but I ducked my head to the side. I laughed. It was like I was with a raider who seemed more Tough Cookie than Killjoy. It was hard to tell where that ferocity ended and the friendly attitude began in his character.

“You read that guard like a book, and back with that alicorn bitch, you ran circles around her. I got dizzy just watching you. You are a clever bastard... I hate fuckers like that, y’know that?”

“It’s really not that hard. There are tendencies in ponies you can play to. You tell ponies what they like to hear, you focus on what information you can glean from others, and you speak in vague strokes. If you can talk vague, but make it seem specific, you can look way more informed than you actually are. It’s the same thing that you see in horoscopes and fortune telling.” I said. That pony from my dream came to mind. Manipulation was a game, and it was best when ponies didn’t realize they were playing.

“Yeah, that is smart as hell. I fucking hate that!” Killjoy said, cackling like a hyena. It was weird, he kept saying ‘hate’ but I got the idea he was looking for other words. It was a simple change in terminology, but I felt I could understand Killjoy because of it. It was a nuance of communication and it was specific to him in that moment. What did that say for ponies on a whole? In a world of unnecessary struggle, even when using the same language it seemed sometimes we lacked the proper means to understand each other. Ponies were complex, and I think that was the root of our struggles.

“Well, let me make a divination of my own. When I get out of here, I am going to pay hell of a visit to that too-many-appendage-having alicorn bitch, and she is gonna pay! In pain and terror! You can fuck with me, but there ain’t any pony in the wastes who can fuck with my friends. I’m gonna pluck the wings off that sadistic bitch!” Killjoy said panting in anger.

“Are you cry--.”

“Fuck off! Turn around.”

There was a brief time of quiet between us.

“Midnyte…”

He was just a giant ball of passion, always full to bursting, and this had pushed him over the edge.

The clatter of hoofsteps sounded from the hallway before the door opened again. The mare from before had returned with the same guards on either side.

“We have reconsidered your offer on the terms that we can negotiate.” The mare said.

“Terms are what I’m here for. You have problems, I solve them. What are your terms?”

“We want a representative in Junktown.”

“Absolutely, I can advocate for that, but surely that isn’t everything?”

“We want an investment in defenses up-front, and we want the town to be returned to a manageable state. Only then will we consider the deal.”

“I see no problems here.” I said with a soft smile.

The captain tossed my fridge to the ground and motioned to the guards. They swooped in to cut our bonds. I massaged out my limbs at the return of my freedom. I hated being bound, but it wasn’t something new to me.

“As a matter of business, I have questions to ask about the town.” I said, cracking my neck. The captain hummed with antipathy. “I want to ask about your problems. The more specific, the better they can get solved, so let’s get technical.” This was the part that my boss gave me free rein in.

Before I could even ask, the captain responded. “The ever-free plants seemed to have expanded out, and they have been encroaching on the Ponyslags.”

“The Ponyslags?”

“It is what we call the town. Our ancestors felt ashamed to call it Ponyville.” She interjected. “We have a supply of weapons, but they aren’t efficient for taking them out. Our earth ponies struggle with controlling them, and they seem to be able to hijack unicorn magic. Combined with the raiders, we have lost many of our scavengers. Good ponies dying... We have many who are wounded, and we are low on medical supplies. Then those things started showing up tonight. They seem to be some kind of flesh golem. The dousing talismans have been good for dealing with them, but if this persists we won’t last. Solve those problems and you have a deal.”

Well… I did walk into this. “I’ve got my work cut out for me.” I laughed. “I have some other questions about the town.”

“What do you want to know?”

“You have something like a water talisman, correct?”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s one of the big seven needs. You’re sensitive to light, which means you must have remained subterranean for an extended period of time. Food can be scavenged, but water is much harder to acquire especially while being so reclusive.”

“Hmm, you are nosey. Yes, we have something like that.”

“Can I see it?” I asked, picking up my fridge.

“It is vital to our survival, so we are not eager to show it off to those who might sabotage it.” The captain squinted at me.

“This is part of the trade process. I want to inspect it for quality. The wonder of trade is that you can solve your own problems by solving the problems of others. We just help make it easier for that to happen.” I said shrugging generously. I gave a disarming glance.

“Fine, but you keep a distance, we keep guards on you, and don’t try anything funny.” She said with a scowl.

“I am a very serious pony. I don’t do anything funny ever.” I said doing my best to keep a straight face. “I’m strictly business.”

Killjoy and I followed the captain out into a much grander atrium. The place was lit up with faint talismans. Many ponies were gathered up in the hall looking towards us with the same faded eyes the captain had. These were the ponies Calypto was trying to save. It was like meeting a mythological creature, like the jackelope. They looked with such curiosity and wonder. I doubted they got visitors often.

A youngster came up and pulled at my tail. When I turned to them, they hobbled back and hid behind some other ponies. The ponies came in like a swarm. One colt pushed in front.

“What is it like on the surface?”

“Well… It’s really hot, at least the last couple of days.” I said trying to think of how to describe it. The wasteland was so many things.

“It’s free…” I said with a smile. “Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to be, you can be it.” Yeah, that was what it meant to me. Then, a voice came up that I wasn’t expecting.

“It’s dangerous... can’t say that it isn’t, but that is something I think that makes it interesting. If you are strong, there isn’t any place better to be.” Killjoy said, humoring the pony’s question.

The pony looked in awe at killjoy’s response. That pony probably wondered every day about the surface they couldn’t see.

The flood gates opened! “Have you seen the sun?” “Are dragons real?” “How do ponies survive on the surface?” “I really like your mane!” “Where did you come from?” The questions were endless. Killjoy and I tried to answer what we could, but they just kept coming. Cheers would sound from the masses to the tune of “Dragons confirmed for wasteland,” and other random facts. It was overwhelming, but I couldn’t blame their curiosity.

The captain stomped her hoof, yelling, “enough!” but the sound was droned out in the excitement. Our escort had turned into a parade, and soon enough, we couldn’t move. The captain scowled. She whispered something to her guards. Then she pulled Killjoy and I close.

“When I give the signal, we are going to make a break for it.” She said to us. She looked really tense, like she was going to regret what she was about to do with every part of her pony body. With a deep breath, she arched back onto her hind hooves and screamed out. “IS THAT PRINCESS CELESTIA?!!” All of the curious ponies looked in gullible excitement. The captain nodded to me. “Run!”

A guard led us down the hallway. We found ourselves ducking behind a padded walls made of long chairs. Actually, they looked like they were really old sofas. Wait a second… That sofa clerk! The one with the quills! So that’s where it all went! Oh, that poor sofa clerk, this town had stolen all of his sofas. I shook my head.

We came across a heavy door that was guarded on both sides with sentinels armed with assault rifles in battle saddles. The captain gave a word to the guards, and one of them unlocked the door for her.

“That is a lot of protection for a water talisman.”

“I guess you could say that what we have is like a water talisman… What I am about to show you is something sacred. No horsing around.” The captain said. The choice of words perplexed me.

I figured now would not be a good time to debate on what the functional definition of “no” was.

“...What the… sweet celestia…” I couldn’t keep my jaw shut.

Just beyond the door, a shimmering grotto collected water in glowing reservoirs. There was an underground river flowing under the town, but even as the water in the grotto pooled, it was as if it refused to stagnate. There was an altar like structure in the center of the grotto with shells of creatures I had never seen before... conical shapes that spiraled to a tip, with spokes poking out at every angle. There were several dancing lights upon the surface of the water.

“What in the wild wasteland am I looking at…” I muttered, not able to hold my composure at the sight.

The captain hit me with a hoof. “Be reverent. You are in the presence of our generous water spirit.”

What the hell was I looking at? She was saying words, but they didn’t tell me anything!

An apparition seemed to form in front of the altar and beckoned me closer. It was equine in appearance, but it seemed to have fins and a long tail in place of hind legs. It was made of some strange aquatic material. It seemed like barnacles and oysters had embedded themselves in the coat of the spirit. It didn’t have eyes, but it had eye sockets. Water flowed out from its bony jaw, but currents of water seemed to flow around the lining of its body. It had spines over its joints, like a conch or those on crustaceans. Even with its strange body structure, it seemed to move with great ease through the air. Flowing with grace, it looked happy. There were several other smaller spirits behind it. The small ones seemed to be chasing after one another, playing games atop the water. The greater spirit dipped its head to invite me closer.

I did the only thing I could think of when presented with a graceful and powerful creature of unknown origin.

I scrambled for the exit! Doubletime and hightailed. I didn’t know what it was going to do to me! I had heard rumors back in my tribe long ago that some spirits appraise your heart and would kill those without a pure heart. I certainly tried my best to be good... okay maybe not my best, but sometimes I tried. Even so, I knew I had quite a few incriminating experiences that strike me out for the “Pure hearted” category. It might eat my eyes, or drag me to the bottom of its well, or get really creative. I was really hoping it wouldn’t be the third one. Spirits weren’t ponies. They were different from what I could tell. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but ignorance was bliss.

The spirit saw me run towards the exit, and in a geyser-like burst, it flew around to the cave entrance. It was much faster than I could run. The guards took one look and got the hell out of its way. It cut off my path and stuck its bizarre looking face in front of me. It looked me up and down. I stumbled back as the creature’s head pushed forward, investigating me. It passed around me, moving in a spiral, almost coiling me with its body.

It was going to eat me… I just knew it.

I looked over to Killjoy and the captain. I mouthed the words, ‘Help me’.

He just snickered at me, and the mare just shook her head.

The spirit was huge, almost five times my size. Its head came around to look at me, and I stared at what I could only imagine it treated as eyes. The water then stopped flowing from its jaw.

I tried not to move.

Shhhdooosshhhh! A high-pressure jet of water sprayed out of the spirit’s mouth. I made like my namesake and spun out across the ground. It continued to spray viciously, without mercy, until I splashed all the way back into one of the grotto’s pools.

Completely soaked, I brought my head above water expecting another attack that didn’t come. Was I fighting for my life? How would I even fight water itself? I didn’t like the idea. I had enough crazy things I was already scheduled to fight!

When I looked at the spirit, it seemed to be shaking its head with jubilance. When I thought about it, the water itself was cool, rather than cold. It was pleasant. The spirit bounced its hooves against the ground as it danced through the air. It was like it was laughing at me.

Suddenly I found myself carried along by a small wave brought by two of the smaller spirits. The wave pulled me along in a small current. I was cradled on the crest of the wave. It was a strange experience, like floating. The small wave crashed into an odd spot in the grotto, taking me along with it. The two spirits swam off, mocking me. As they went off, the water seemed to become shallow. It was a welcome development. I was done with water, professionally. All my stuff was soaked, too. I tried to get a breath of fresh air.

Soon, I found myself lying on the bare bottom of the grotto. I was beginning to think that this was suspicious. When I turned my head, my eyes followed the receding water, in swelling horror, towards the gigantic wave creeping over me. Four little spirits rode atop the wave like little water gremlins. The tip of the towering wave arched over my head about to crash.

The wave of water carried me to the other side of the grotto. I grabbed ahold of a rock as I washed up on the bank. I looked back to the captain. “Save me or something.”

“You got yourself into this.” She retorted.

Killjoy was in no condition to respond to my pleas. He was far too busy rolling on the ground, cackling. Damn giggleshit!! Then, the greater spirit shot an air-to-ground pony ballistic jet of water at Killjoy, launching him back in the grotto with me. The spirit did a spin in the air, mercilessly celebrating. It looked very pleased with itself.

Killjoy didn’t come up. The bastard sank like a rock. For a moment he broke the surface, flailing mad. He splashed all around, clawing for air. He was going to drown! Was that a good thing or a bad thing? I couldn’t remember at that point. It didn’t stop me from weighing my options.

Well… he was my son, from a theatrical standpoint.

If only to pretend to be a better father than my own, I dove to help him out.

The water was surprisingly clear, and I found myself swimming faster than I ever had. I didn’t swim often, but it was something of a pastime when I could get away with it.

I pulled Killjoy up, trying to make the most of my strokes. It wasn’t until I started to rise that I noticed the smaller sprites had attached to my sides and were propelling me up. It wasn’t strong, but it countered the weight of my things.

I threw Killjoy over the side of a rock on the edge of the grotto. “Can’t swim, huh?”

“…” Killjoy lied there in silence.

I had to be quick! I jumped up to a higher rock. I squated down priming my legs. 1,2,3! With mighty splendor I soared through the air. I slammed down on his chest, giving him the ponies’ elbow. Killjoy popped to life as he spat water far across the ground. The smaller spirits looked to him in wonder, as if they believed he was one of their own. The crowd applauded.

“Can’t swim?”

“Do I look like a fish to you?”

I laughed at the response. The smaller sprites seemed to be gathering up around, investigating us. “Hey, knock it off, alright?” I said shielding myself with a hoof. It was then that I made a terrible mistake.

I splashed water at the group of spirits with my hooves...

The group of spirits sprayed streams of water in retaliation. It was relentless. I had forfeited any concept of mercy. This was all a game to them... a duel I could never win. They were having fun. I guess sometimes that is all the spirit wants.

The greater spirit soared over, in front of the smaller ones. The sprites scattered. It looked me up and down again. The creature hummed to me in approval. It broke off a shell about the size of my hoof and presented it to me.

“You want me to have this?” I asked hesitating at the offer. The spirit nodded. I took the shell from the spirit admiring it for what it was. I’m not sure what it was, but I guess it was the spirit of the gift that counted.

The spirit receded away, leaving Killjoy and I to crawl out from the grotto. As I got out of the water, I remembered that my canteen had been emptied out. I pulled out the metal canteen, emblazoned with the number “13” in thick yellow letters against a blue casing. I lowered it just above the surface.

“Is this okay?” I asked the spirit, and the spirit nodded. I filled my personal canteen and secured it away in my coat. Sopping wet, Killjoy and I trudged out towards the captain.

“Are you done horsing around?” The captain barked.

I dragged my drenched body past her. “I think I have seen enough.” I was rather frustrated with the state of all of my stuff. I could have done without all the water damage. “You wouldn’t happen to have a radio I could use, would you?”

“That could be arranged…”

*** *** ***

I was still as soggy and soaked as before, but after a day of burning up in unreasonable heat, it was okay. Most of my things were laid out in front of a heat lamp powered by generators. The table I had was worn away, but the sofa chair I was sitting in was quite comfortable even for its age. Putting the headphones over my ears, I turned the knobs of the radio until I found that familiar station.

I pulled the radio microphone close to me. “I’m looking for a road, does anypony have a road?”

After a little bit of waiting, sound crackled over the radio. “There are plenty of roads. Would you like a winding road or perhaps a humble road?”

“How is the road that leads to hell?”

“It’s rather ambitious, and full of merchants!”

“I think I’ll take that road all the way through hell and into heaven!” I said back being careful of my words.

There was a short pause, followed by laughter. “...Glory Road’s call sign… Tumbleweed? Is that Tumbleweed?”

“Damn right it’s Tumbleweed! Geez Wirehead... you forget me or something?”

“Nah, we just figured you were dead on the side of the road or something…” Wirehead said. There was a pause and I heard at a soft volume, “…hey guys, get ready to weep, Tumbleweed’s alive and kickin. Pay up!” After a moment, Wirehead returned, saying “Sorry about that.”

“What was that about?”

“Oh, some of us Junkies in the radio unit were making bets on various caravans, and momma was just collecting is all.”

“You wagered on me? I’m touched.”

“You’re a persistent flank. Keep winning momma more caps, okay?”

“No promises.” I said shaking my head. “Hey, can you get my boss on the radio?”

“You sure you want to talk to her? She is pretty furious with you.”

“Only furious? That seems better than usual. My lucky day. Just put Ditzy on the radio.”

“Fine, give me a second.”

I tapped my hoof as I waited. I had a lot to update her on. Words needed to be on my side for this, or I could lose my job. After about a minute, a raspy and tired voice played out over the air wave.

“Hello?”

Level Up>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tumbleweed Perk: Spicy Tongues of Fire- You spit mad fire. +3 Fire based emotional damage when throwing insults. You also get a +10% bonus to fire resistance. No, you can’t use it to cook your meals.

Calypto Perk: Excellent timing- Destiny has a place for you. When you show up, you show up like a wizard, precisely when you mean to. You deal extra damage when destiny is on your side.

Scapegrace Perk: Thief- You are a pony whose hobbies include not being seen, taking strolls through other pony’s homes, opening things that were not meant to be opened, and stealing everything that isn’t nailed down. It’s not a crime, you’re just redistributing the wealth. Seriously, what is your problem? Maybe if you didn’t sneak around so much, you might get some more screentime. You get a bonus to- woah hold up! You get +10 to stealth, +10 to lockpicking, +10 to traps, and +10 to stealing, are you serious? That’s in the original fallout, you say? Well damn…

Killjoy Perk: Karmic Heartbreak- You live by the code of “Fuck with me and I’ll send you to heaven, Fuck with my friends and I’ll send you to hell.” You would stand down a dragon if you had to. When they fuck with your friends you have to give them what’s coming to them, and you are going to enjoy it. Because you’ve got nothing if you don’t have friends. +25% Loyalty bonus to Damage and 15% life steal against enemies who have seriously hurt or killed your friends.

Author's Notes:

BOOM! 31 Page Chapter. After nearly a year, chapter 3 has finally been published in it's entirety. So much exciting content in this, and the reworks of this section really paid off. Drugs, morphing pretentious grimdark monsters, a charismatic show down, Tumbleweed actually doing his job, Joker's Wild's home brew of spirits, and of course, Ditzy Doo. This is a section that has me terrified and thrilled at the same time. I am pretty much breaking all of the rules people have about the norms of FOE writing, but that is what makes it interesting. I just hope that I can do it well.

I have lots of people to thank. Thanks go out to Nasty Hooves, my wonderful editor who encourages me to make wonderfully terrible decisions. Thanks go out to my chat buddies, Kyler Adams, Almanac Pony, The Amateur, Mr.B, and Kektus. They all have FOE stories so check them out.

From here on in, we are getting into the heart of the arch, the real exciting bits. It may take a while to get editing done for chapters, but I hope you all stick around.

Feel free to leave comment. I like 'likes', 'likes' are friendly. You can watch or favorite or any of those other things, but don't let me tell you what to do.