Fallout Equestria Joker's Wild
If someone's to blame, it's: SiriusShenanigans
New Friend Gambit 2: Chaotic Stroll Through Ponyville
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“Cleetus! Celestia damn it, Cleetus!”

“What the hell do you want, Jaundice.”

“You whizzed on my gun!”

“Nah uh. You can’t tell it was me. You just mad because somepony sunshined your stuff.”

“It’s still glowing! You’re the only one in the crew who drinks that Ghoulgulp shit!”

I had to keep myself from laughing as Scapegrace and I watched from behind an old Sparkle Cola machine. The pair of raiders started brawling it out in the streets. Shortly after, a bunch of other raiders started gathering up to watch. Some even joined in the scuffle as it happened. One raider ran straight past us and didn’t even acknowledge us.

Sneaking was Grace’s idea, and a good one at that. Neither of us wanted injuries. I didn’t want her shoving noxious concoctions at me, and she didn’t want to see me eating delicious well cooked meals again.

In the confusion, we moved in the shade through a crack in a wall of an abandoned store. Grace was smart to examine the area a bit before walking in head first. I learned that sneaking is 25% knowing how to be quiet, 25% knowing how to avoid being seen, and 50% knowing when and where it is safe to go. She had a weird device, a periscope, that she used to peak around corners. I heard of ponies using them back in the day, but I had never even imagined a pony putting them into use these days. When she gave me the signal, I moved in with her.

The building was largely empty. There were knocked over partitions and felt railings squaring off areas with faded signs listing prices. There were shelves upon shelves, with no fruit to bear. Papers were trashed across the ground.

We took path behind the shelves because the store had gaping holes where its windows used to be. When we were far enough away from the mobs, I asked Grace, “Is it just me, or are the raiders a whole lot less intimidating than they used to be?”

“You’ll notice that there are more of them as well. Apparently there is a migration happening. Raiders are coming from all over Equestria.”

“I would have thought that would mean we would get the big bad ‘blow your house down’ kinda raiders, but I guess that with any massive movement, you are going to get imitators, newbies, and tagalongs.”

“There are thousands of raiders coming in. Some ponies have up and left just to make sure they are out of their way. Neon Khans, Novalux, Flaming Skulls, Black Union, the Poison Jokers, Lightbrights, Melon Heads, The Hellfire Riders, and so many other groups have been seen making a move. They even say that there are some really scary groups that are coming through here. The rumor is, they are coming to choose a new king.”

Raiders were bad for business-- bad for me, bad for merchants. The thought of all this brought a chill to my spine. "Wait, did you say raider king?"

“I hear there was a raider king just over 10 years ago who pulled a bunch of gangs together. They took out the entire city of New Maretropolis, burned it to the ground and built a castle on top of it.”

“I heard about that. It was something truly horrific. A lot of ponies died there.” I said, furrowing my brow.

Grace looked around, even though we were already hidden, and pulled me closer. She sighed. “Everypony knows that, but I heard something interesting. I only heard this… these aren’t my own words, but someponies say that the ponies of New Maretropolis were pretty corrupt as well.”

I stifled a bitter scowl. I had already known that. I was surprised to hear the change of sentiment. “So what do you think about it?”

“I think it’s total bullshit. I think that king killed a lot of ponies, some that were family to me, and some that were family to a whole lot of other ponies as well. In the wasteland, no pony is innocent, but killing ponies because of that doesn’t make you a saint, especially when things get out of control.” I couldn’t see her coat take on any glint or hue as she spoke, and I think that terrified me. “But the pony who did it died, so there isn’t much reason to get annoyed over things. I’m gonna blow my own cover.”

I nodded. “I’d have to agree with you.” I gave a sickening laugh. "He's probably writhing in hell right now."

"Wouldn't that be great... anyway, we've found no treasure yet and you haven't found your zebra friend, so we should keep going." Grace started making her way for the stairs headed upward.

“Where are you going, is this where you saw him?”

“No, but we can get to the roof tops. Besides, I want to check things out. It might be interesting.”

I followed the best I could, but on multiple occasions I found myself nearly jamming my head into her flank because she would stop and check for threats and not tell me anything. Eventually I learned to keep a three step stopping distance for walking. When she signaled the all clear, we walked out into the open hallway. Things were stripped bare, and the walls were worse for wear. Even the locks on the doors were torn to bits.

Scapegrace sighed as she walked into one of the side rooms. It looked like it was a rather large room, probably a bed room. There was a square frame on the ground that probably held a bed, and there was desk against the wall. There was nothing on the walls, and no chairs behind the desk. Financial papers seemed to be the only things that ponies had left in here. There was even a 2’x2’x2’ square missing from the flooring where I suppose a safe was supposed to be.

“Well, boo. I guess there isn’t anything here. That’s a bummer.”

I had begun looking through the financial papers. While I wasn’t explicitly trained in the economics lingo of the past, I was able to make both heads and tails of some of the information.

“Hehe, well look at that… Apparently this guy only sold two kinds of things. Why would anypony sell those together? I don’t understand your business model!”

As I was flipping through, I found something scribbled on the backside of one of the financial papers. Prewar ponies shouldn’t have been writing on important documents, but I took a moment to read the note anyway.

The world has gone to hell in hoofbasket the last couple of days. They are saying this is going to be the end. Cloudsdale and Manehattan are gone. Disappeared like bits falling in between the cushions of a well crafted couch. The town is in a total uproar. The stables are closed they say. They ain’t taking anypony else. There are riots in the streets… and they are singing about it! Looters have sacked my store. They have been taking everything. Every last sofa is gone from my display. Not even a love seat. Given how cheap they were, I bought a gun and tons of those bullet things that go in them, lots of different types… I didn’t know gun’s very well, but I figure some of those bullets had to fit my gun… but it didn’t matter because they took those too. I’ve got nothing left but some old stationary, some financial information, my taxes, and as many quills as I can carry. I’ve stashed the last of my quills here in my safe and have locked myself up here. Some ponies are even shooting each other. All we had these days were gun stores... I guess some of them wanted to finally put those things to use. I hope I can last long enough to rename the store “Quills”, but I don’t think I am gonna make it. They are banging on the doors, and if this is going to be the end, I want to leave my memoirs of the better times. Lives are short, but quills and sofas are forever, just like memories.

When I was young colt, I remem…

…That was all he wrote. There was a big diagonal bit of ink slashed across the page that hinted at a struggle. They took his quill. I would have wanted to as well if he had kept writing.

“Apparently, Quills and Sofas are hot items at the end of the world.” I said. I turned to look Grace in the eye. “Sorry. Looks like they are sold out.”

She was less amused with the note than I was. With nothing to scavenge, she found a way to the rooftops.

From the rooftops, we got a lovely view of what chaos does to a town. You could see the craters of places that got hit by smaller spell-bombs. You could see a large oak tree in the distance to one side, with a river coming in along side a small building that kinda looked like a carousel. Many of the rooftops were linked, or close enough to jump between. I could hear a building collapse over on Market Street. I had no doubt in my mind that it was from the giant screaming goat creature I sicked on a pack of raiders earlier.

“So where are we headed?” I asked.

“There was an old ministry of morale building that way.” She pointed along the rooftops to a building near what looked like a gingerbread house.

“Great.” I didn’t take a moment to start bounding off. I jumped from one roof onto a neighboring one. A skywagon had crashed a hole through the side of the building. I referred to it as a skywagon because any wagon that could land itself into the roof of a building 30 feet in the air was a skywagon in my book. The bones of an ancient earth pony, held together by the faintest remnants of muscle sinew and dash of macabre miracle, were cradled by the metal harness of the wagon.

“Hold up!”

I huffed. I was beginning to get annoyed with this song and dance. I finally had some direction, and I liked that. I could see where I was going.

“We should take a different path.”

“You should take different path." I snapped back, cocking my head to the side. "I already made the jump. It’s a straight shot.”

“Those vines growing out of that building have me worried.”

“They are plants! We eat plants! Quit being so stubborn!”

“Those plants are going to eat you.”

Now that I wanted to see. I chuckled at Scapegrace as I picked up a canter toward the MoM building. I didn’t get to see her, but I was sure she was taking on funny colors.

“You said I was going to handle directions!” She yelled out.

“I don’t have to be good at navigation to know the quickest path between two points is a straight line!”

As I pranced next to the ‘sky’ wagon, I felt a subtle shake in the foundation. My stomach sank as I looked down to see the vines coiling out from the hole in the building.

“Don’t move!” Scapegrace yelled out, brandishing her laser pistol.

Needless to say, when approached with carnivorous plants I adhered to my time-honored tradition of getting the hell away. I broke into a hard gallop.

“Damn it Tumbleweed!” The words echoed back at me as a shadowy bramble lashed out and around my hindlegs. Kicking and screaming, I fought with every thing I had against the grip, but the vines had giant black thorns that dug deeper into my legs. I tried my best to hold my grip on the roof as the plant dragged me down, but… well… hooves. Grip wasn’t something we were good at. I trashed violently against the shingles until it dragged me close enough to the wagon, which I managed to wrap my hooves over the top of.

“Idiot! They sense through vibrations! Don’t struggle.” Scape yelled before taking aim with her pistol.

“Shut up and shoot the damn thing.” I yelled back while flailing for my life.

A bright lance of light sliced through the air, hitting me right in my side, and I let go of the wagon, tumbling down into the building. My fall was broken by a soft pile of metal filing cabinets. I hit my shins really hard when I fell. I recoiled in pain, grabbing my legs, but the sudden pull of the vines kicked my instincts into high gear. I wrapped around the cabinets I was lying on and took a look around.

The room had trellising black vines crawling around every wall. I would describe the floor, but it couldn’t be seen under the thick sea of papers. Why couldn’t I have landed in those? There were more papers on the ground than seemed possible or even plausible for a place this size. Some pony back then was a packrat.

I got a good look behind me at the vines pulling on my legs. Taking a gamble, I let go from my anchor. I spun to my back as it started to drag me toward a set of stairs. With an vigorous burst, I swung my body, arching the fridge up over my head, slamming a hard metal edge of the case down on the vines. The fridge made a dent in the ground as it crippled the tendrils. I heard a light patter of hooves across the roof as the vines around my legs fell limp. I really was hoping that wouldn’t mean it was going to rain, because if it did, it was raining ‘sky’ wagons. Somehow, I could feel that it wasn't.

Scapegrace poked her head through the ‘sunroof’. “I don’t want to say I told you so--”

“You shot me!” I cut in, whipping around to point a hoof at the crystal mare.

“--But I told you so." Scapegrace scoffed and rolled her eyes. "I missed because you were moving around too much.”

"I'm sorry if I was too busy fighting for my life against a plant on a pony eating diet." I said as I jostled in sarcastic mockery.

Scapegrace lied down, bracing her head up from the ground with a hoof. "Which wouldn't have happened in the first place if you didn't move around so much." She looked down from her perch with obnoxious, puffed out cheeks.

I braced my weight on my mini-fridge and kicked my hind legs out in front of me. "You need better aim, mare." I said with a laugh. "It's already been--"

“Look out!” Scapegrace's eyes widened as her face curled into a grimace.

Before I could turn around, another line of spiky vines took grip around my neck. When it began to reel me in, the only thing holding me in place was the little corner of my fridge that was wedged in the floor boards. I could feel the thorns of my noose stabbing in as the vines pulled tighter.

“Hold still! I’ll get it.” Scapegrace yelled, taking aim.

“Hell no! Stop helping, you’ll shoot me!” I choked out, fighting against black flashes.

"I won't if you hold still!"

I glanced to Scapegrace and then to the tendrils. I made my decision. I gave the fridge a swift kick at its base, knocking it free. I fell on my back as the black saplings dragged me to the stairs. I was beginning to really dislike the little town of Ponyville. I could see their signs. ‘Ponyville- Even our carrots try to kill you!’ Ponies try to tell me vegetables are healthy for me and that they are the natural diet of horses, but it was hard to believe this when they were trying to end me... Maybe that was the point. Eat your vegetables, kids, or your vegetables will eat you.

I grabbed a hold of one of the banisters of the stairway. It served as a lucky pivoting point, turning me around so I wasn’t taking a headfirst flying pony ride down the stairs.

“Hold on I am coming down there!” said Scapegrace.

I would have responded, but I was busy trying to bite a hole in the lasso around my neck. The vine around my neck loosened, but black scourge of vines slammed down along my back. Thankfully, the thorns broke apart against my armor. I gripped down hard on the wood banister, but I could sense the level of decay throughout it. The thorny vine across my back slithered over my right shoulder and under my left arm, scraping my coat with every movement before tearing me, along with the banister, from the staircase.

“Tumbleweed!”

As it dragged me down into the dark, I counted the steps with my face. I slammed into the ground, but I recovered to my hooves with the momentum. My restraints tried to pull me down through a door on the other side of the room. Beyond the door was more stairs, pulling down into a basement. I grabbed hold of a vertical support pillar that stood off center to the room. I could feel just how sturdy it was all the way down to my earth pony core, but the skeleton of half a pony gripping around its base could have given me the same conclusion. Looking back, I saw another tentacle hoisting up a large filing cabinet above my head, presumably so that it could pound me flat, and then file me.

"...crap."

As the vine wrenched back to strike, stepped towards the vines pulling me towards the deeper basement chasm. This was the kind of stupid clever thing I was good at. I unlatched the bindings on my fridge and hurled it at the wall. As it bashed against the wall. At the vibrations, the tentacles around me slackened in confusion. I pulled myself forward and circled to the other side of the pillar. The cabinet came crashing down where I was before, pounding the vines around me in half. Everypony knew that you fight flower power with fire power, but in a pinch, it seemed like friendly fire worked just as well.

Out of the corner of my eye, another whipping vine slashed in at me. I ducked, causing it to tether itself around the pillar. As an earthpony… no, as a pony, I valued my freedom, so I made a break along the walls away from the vines. I had better traction because there were less papers littering the ground.

Curse my luck, I didn’t notice the smashed typewriter on the ground as I ran. I tripped over it trying to get to the kitchen I saw further up ahead. A heavy vine slammed down toward me, but I rolled to the side underneath a nearby table in the middle of the room. The vine writhed for a moment, wrenching itself free of the ground before trying to slither in pursuit. It lanced in, I blocked it off, flipping the table on its side. With a hard buck, I launched the table into the vine. The vine vainly struggled to move, but its own giant thorns had pinned it firmly between the wall and the table.

“Sweet Useless Celestia! This place is amazing! This place is a treasure trove.” I heard Scapegrace say from up stairs, accompanied by the sounds of creaking cabinets and fluttering papers. More of the vines were on the move, so I made a move of my own towards the kitchen.

The room had a heavy scent of mildew. The place had undergone heavy water damage. Mold was growing thick between the dishes that were piled up in the waterlogged sink, and it had attracted a few wayward wasteland bugs. Fighting vegetables was different from ponies. I could beat up ponies until the Brahmin rolled on home, but plants were resilient and I didn’t think blunt force was going to work. What was a plant’s weak point anyway? That was half of my bag of tricks, thrown out the window right there! I needed a weapon, and a kitchen was just such a place for fighting a rogue vegetable. I just needed something, a knife, a food processor, a blender, a cheese grater, hell… I’d settle for a toaster. I started looking through cabinets, but most of them yielded things like old sponges or broken plates. Celestia was making fun of me if she thought I was going to use a sponge to fight a salad with an attitude.

Suddenly, a plant stem unfurled itself out from the main room. It swept across the ground, back and forth, scanning for prey. It lashed out towards me, but I wove to its other side. It came swiping back towards me, but I scrambled to the sink and grabbed one of the large oversized flies crawling over the edges of a plate. When the tentacle darted in to snatch me, I tagged myself out for the bug. The tendril pulled the creature swiftly out of the room.

With a sarcastic salute, I turned back to my search. I searched high and low. Just in case the prewar ponies were crazy, I checked in places knives had no business being in. In a freezer, I found a whole bunch of these dusty rectangular boxes. I couldn’t tell what they were. They had the words, “TV Dinner” on them, but there was no way the things inside them could possibly be food (the prewar sometimes had a fundamental misunderstanding as to what counted as food). I walked away from the house’s refrigerator, abandoning the mystery for checking other cabinets built into the bar peninsula.

“Check! This! Out!” I heard again from the other room. When I opened up one of the lower cabinets, I was greeted by a nefarious plant tentacle lying inside. It shot out, aiming for my head, but I blocked it with a hoof. It wrapped around both my hoof and my head before pulling me into a bunch of unused pots and pans. I placed a hindhoof against the counter to brace myself and started to rummage through the other cabinets as fast as I could.

“I think this place was home to a head writer for the Ministry of Image!” Scapegrace said, skipping into the room, her hooves not making a sound. "Apparently his name was 'Feather Weight'." Scapegrace tensed up with a fierce grin. “Eeee! I don’t often get the chance to read original copies of documents. Hehe... This one I was reading was interesting. The headline was ‘Overgrown Plant Menace Averted! Ponyville Saved Again!’…”

“Clearly they need to do some fact checking about that…” I said, wrestling with the vine.

“There are some editorial marks about it being controversial. Apparently his editor, Namby Pamby, got word from the Ministry Mare herself to keep things on the down low. Apparently they had to make some heavy sacrifices the public wasn’t ready for. There is something about the Elements of Harmony being returned to the Tree of Harmony.”

“Little busy! Less reading, more zapping!”

Scapegrace lit up with an effervescent grin. Her magenta coat took on a warm pink shine."It gets even more interesting, some of these things are dead wrong. I found a ton of folders on Zebra infiltration to steal 36,000 crates of ammunition and firearms, but that kind of operation would be a complete joke. The Zebra navy wasn't designed for ships that large until 3 years later in the war."

I was losing oxygen, but I figured I wasn't getting through to her. "Couldn't they just steal an Equestrian ship? They have all those stealth talismans and all."

"Stealth talismans are useful, but between Arcane navigation and ranging technology and the earth pony IFF sensors, you can't just hide an Equestrian ship. The producers they stole it from was named Cuddlesnipe, but if you know anything about security technology, you would know that Cuddlesnipe was one of the largest growing entrepreneurs and designers of security technology in the later end of the war. If you ask me, it wasn't stolen, it was a trade." Scapegrace explained. "That sort of thing happened a lot more than ponies liked to believe, particularly in the weapons market." She stashed away the folder, only to produce a wicker, garbage basket filled with crumpled papers.

"Are you... going through pony's trash? You nerd..." I sputtered as pulled back and started beating the vine against the counter.

"Its the apocalypse. Everything is the pre-war's trash." She said with a joyful hobble. "They don't call it the 'waste'-land for nothing." She said reaching into basket and unfolding a paper. "This isn't a particularly dirty one either, so quit bugging me. Anyway, you never know what you find in somepony's trash. There are a lot of letters from a pony named 'Rattle Tattle' who seemed to confirm what I was telling you about the weapon's trade. I found the same name in a 'send to Fillydelphia MoM' folder. Apparently they didn't want this pony talking. What do you--"

"Oh, come on!" I burst out as I got slammed into the cabinet before another vine raised up a knife. I raised a hoof to point at the knife wielding vine. "That is not funny!"

A magic laser flashed just by my head, piercing into the flesh of the vine. A flood of light devoured the vine from the inside out as a magic chain reaction broke the vine into its natural elements before singeing them into a fine ash. An array of thin spears of light struck the second vine until it, too, turned to dust.

“Happy?” Scapegrace smiled at me.

Cringing at the violent nature of magical weapons, I took a moment to count myself lucky. “Finally, you shoot something that isn’t me.” I said as I dusted myself off. I shook my aching head as I regained my bearings.

She just smiled at me. It wasn’t a smile I particularly liked.

Of course the next cabinet I opened would be the one that had all the knives in it. Of course now that I had a breath of fresh air, I had time to fish out my personal knife. As a cook, I didn’t like the idea of using it for things other than cooking, so I had no choice but to convince myself that this counted as cooking. I was going to julienne this bitch. Humoring myself, I opened the house’s refrigerator. The fleeting memory of the taste I had in my mouth from biting the vine earlier was all I had to go on for direction on where this dish was going, so I had to move quickly.

The refrigerator had only two types of things inside of it. The first type was energy drinks. MadStallion and PowerPony cans lined most of the interior of the fridge. This made a lot of sense, given Scapegrace’s infogram about the guy being a head writer. His veins were probably filled more with caffeine than blood.

The second type of things in the fridge were killer plant vines, stabbing through a gaping hole in the back of the appliance. While I had my knife ready, I realized it really wasn't designed to handle this sort of thing. I fumbled about as it wrapped three reaching tendrils around me and pulled me through the walls.

I needed Scapegrace, but she was probably reading, and I couldn’t yell with a knife in my mouth. Or at least not well…

I think it dropped me in the basement. The room was almost completely dark, only a few motes of light peeked through gaps in the floorboards above. I could barely see the thick weaves and coil of roots and vines. A carpet of pearly ivory of bones could be seen in between the wraps of the vines.
I felt a viscous sap drip from somewhere in the dark above me. When it flowed over the holes in my armor, it stung to the touch. I looked up to see whatever the host of all of this plague had been. A sinister plant bulb blossomed, opening fanged folds of the mouth of this plant creature. It was good to finally get a look at the plant bastard that had been stabbing holes in my armor and dragging me down stairs and through walls.

“Thanks for the tour. I need to repay you for the hospitality. How about I make you dinner?” I said with a grin, but the plant didn’t get my joke…

That grin quickly soured into a panic as the plant lunged down at me, wrapping its jaws around me. It yanked me off of the ground, my legs flailing around.

Somewhere above, there was an explosion, making the plant hesitate. 'Right! They sense vibrations,' I thought. I took the moment to jam my knife into the side of the plant creature, making its maw gape open. I ruminated for an instant to pick out what part of the plant’s face I was going to kick back to the pre-war, but then I realized plant anatomy was completely alien to me. I decided to punch it in its the planty-bits. It spat me on the ground, but it sent a number of vines after me. Jumping and rolling, I only barely dodged them as they came in the corner of my eye. One of them lifted me by one of my hind legs.

Another explosion was followed by a wave of lasers frying several vines from a stairway behind me. A laser shot out and vaporized the vine that was holding me up. When I dropped head first on the ground, a voice called out.

“Tumbleweed, are you okay?” Scapegrace called out, with my fridge and bags over her shoulder.

Covered in acidic sap, perforated with holes, and beaten black with bruises, the question hit me in a way I was not used to. It made me happy.

“Hey, y’know what? I think I am.” I giggled, even as I ached.

“Alright, let’s get out of here. I got you covered.” Scapegrace said. Another wave of muffled zapping noises rang quiet as she unloaded ray after ray. The plant creature flinched at each laser, but it seemed to have a higher critical magic threshold. I gladly ran over to the purple crystal pony.

“Thanks again.” I said, looking around. I felt I was missing something. Scapegrace and I had backed up to the stairs, when I realized what it was.

“Damn it, I left my knife that things mouth.”

“It’s lost! Don't be stupid! Let’s go.” Scapegrace shouted to me. She nearly dropped her laser pistol out of confusion when I replied.

“Don't worry, I've got this….”

I was glad that I was born as a race of ponies genetically evolved to be tougher than nails. The heart of earth was the toughest, and not even the end of the world could stop it. I ran bounding back to the vernal terror, jumping over and under lashing vines along the way. The plant host flared its mouth when I galloped up to it, so jumping straight into its mouth was incredibly easy. It was almost like it wanted me to. I grabbed the knife in my mouth and started slashing. With a few opening and closing tosses, the plant juggled me so that my head was outside of the plant bulb.

"Idiot! That is the exact kind of inane, suicidal shit I just told you not to do!" Scapegrace shouted as she forced her front hooves against her temples. "I am going to regret helping him, but I don't want to lose sleep over this."

I saw Scapegrace fire several of the condensed magic beams at the creature. A few missed, but occasionally they hit. The creature flailed its vines around trying to find the motionless Scapegrace with little success… at least until a giant vine caught the body of the laser pistol, and in a flash, stripped the spell chamber (the important part of the gun) clean off from the bite grip.

“Uh oh.” Grace looked at a loss for words as she stared at what remained of her gun. It was a moment that made me realize this was going to be tougher than before. Suddenly, the thorns of the plant began to glow with a blue light. An aura wrapped around the spark cells in the energy weapon, causing sparks of static to arc out of it. "Eep!" Scapegrace spat the gun out, sending it clacking against the ground towards a mass of vines just before it exploded into a starburst of arcane energy. The creature writhed in pain.

Something I quickly discovered about the plant was that even though it had jaws, it couldn’t chew, so it had to resort to other methods to break down its food. This method, to my misfortune, was slamming its food, repeatedly and mercilessly, into the walls.

“Tumbleweed!”

“Aghm oh-kergh(I'm okay...)” I grumbled through the knife in my mouth, as the powerful serpentine body slammed me from side to side. It smashed me into the wall, where the breaking of glass bottles made me realize where this was. A wine cellar! It gave me an idea. An idea I drew from prior experiences earlier in the day. In a feat of abdominal core strength, I pulled in to stab my knife on the outside the plant creature.

“Fughch!” I screamed realizing that I ended up stabbing myself in the flank. That wasn’t part of the plan if anypony asks… Thankfully, the width of the plant bulb made sure it wasn’t very deep. "Fuck, that was supposed to make it drop me." I said, now free from the knife. I turned to Scapegrace. “Hey, Gracy! I need you to find my lighter. There is enough booze here to torch the bastard."

"That is going to burn this whole place down!" She complained.

"This thing is going to kill me!" I shouted out.

Scapegrace grumbled as she took on a dark red hue. "Idiot..." She sighed. She started looking through my stuff, and damn was she bad at it. It wasn't long before she jumped back. “Great Sombrero, that is a lot of caps!” Scapegrace shouted out with sparkling eyes, a creeping smile, and a fading color.

“ Watch it! Argh!" I moaned as the creature bashed me against the ground. "Don’t touch those, those are for my job.”

Scapegrace sighed. She whimsically hummed as she hooved through gear. “You play card games?”

I managed to grab hold of a pipe coming from the ceiling. “Tragic The Garnering is addictive. You can’t say no to it.”

“Where do you keep your porn?” Scapegrace asked with a mischievous grin.

“I don’t have any!" I shouted as the creature continued to tug at me.

Scapegrace looked at me with unique perturbation. "Are you serious?"

"Quit dicking around and find the damn lighter! Woah-Agh!” My hooves slipped off of the pipe and the plant spun me around in the air.

It was an invasive experience, stabbing into my soul, metaphorically so, unlike the knife which was actually stabbing into me. Still, I had to trust her on this. The black vines started zeroing in on her location.

“Alright, I found it, nut I don’t agree with this!”

“I know, that’s why I’m gonna do it.” I said with a smiles. I pulled in to grab the knife, and pushed with both legs, cutting a line to escape out of the plants mouth. I landed with a roll.

"You bastard! Scapegrace scowled.

I spit my knife into my bag before dashing over to the wine rack while the creature was reeling in pain. I started stomping my hooves all around to get the things attention. It noticed all my movements, just as I wanted to, and it lunged towards me. With a planned jump, I dodged out of the way as the creature slammed straight into an entire wine rack. The creature had a new coat of purplish red, but before I could get back to get the lighter, a bunch of vines coiled around me. The vines constricted around my waist and over my forehooves. I kicked and bucked, but I couldn’t budge.

“Argh! Fuck!" I cursed. "Scapegrace. You have to do it.”

"Damn it, why do I have to do this?" Scapegrace growled with a scrunched muzzle. She fumbled the lighter, which had a locking mechanism requiring one hoof to be pressed vertically to release the gas, and a trigger for the flint that had to be pressed inward. “This place is worth so much. There is so much information here. I don’t want to do this.”

“These thorns really hurt, and I can’t get out of this. I need you to help me out.”

“Will you drink a health potion?”

“What? What does that have to do with anything?” I asked as the brambles knocked me to the ground.

“I don’t want to see you eating bugs in front of me, and you’re gonna need healing, so will you drink a health potion?”

“Yes! I will drink as many as you want! Just get me out of here!”

Scapegrace sighed turning blue, but only for a moment. She furrowed her brow. Then, in the dark of the basement, she began to glow with a fiery orange-red aura. “This is disgusting, but it is going to be cool.” She said to herself before taking a sip of the wine pooling in the wreckage of the wine rack. “I did this for a pub trick once.” She said, holding the wine to one side of her cheek. With a click, she sparked the flame of the lighter. Looking at me, she said, “Panic for me will ya?”

Without many other options, I abided, resisting the vines as much as possible. I had to trust her. It wasn’t something I liked, but when I saw her like this, I wanted to be able to.

The creature turned to look at me, and drew in close. That was when Scapegrace blew a mist of wine through the flames. A plume of fire shot out and new born fire exploded in a wave across the body of the plant monster. It started flailing as it cooked, but the extra motion only made the fires grow even more. It would have done well to listen to the words Scapegrace gave me, and chose to ignore. The fire caught on to the wine puddles on the ground, and to many of the other vines. It also caught fire to a layer of papers I wasn’t able to see earlier due to the darkness. The vines around me shriveled up, loosening their grip on me. The fire was growing quickly and we needed to get out fast.

When I got out of the vines grip, a miffed and fiery looking mare was there to greet me with judging eyes and putrid red potion for me.

“Drink it, filly.”

Without questions, I obliged. It was a terribly bitter drink. Broc flower had a sickening aftertaste, and Xander root just made anything taste terrible, even other food, and those were the main ingredients in a health potion. I would have liked to doctor it before hand, but I owed it to the pony that was trying to prevent this mess in the first place, and who really lost more by doing this than I did. My stomach churned and my nose buckled at the putrid sensation permeating it. I gasped for air at the end. "I'm sorry, I owe you."

After doing this, her color returned to normal. She gave a smile, but I could tell she was still thinking about all the historic things I just made her burn to the ground.

“Hey, cheer up. There are other places, I saw the MoM facility up past here. Bright colors, we couldn't miss it if we tried, and I think had heard that the Ponyville MAS facility was largely untouched, so we could check that out too." I sighed, scratching the back of my head. "Also, I’ll try to listen a little bit more.”

Scapegrace chuckled to herself. “It’s alright. I could have been more attentive. I almost got you killed several times. And besides seeing you beg to me was worth it on its own.” Looking around, she grimaced at the flames crawling up the walls. “This is important and all, but can we hold off until we are outside of the burning building.”

With nod, we escaped up the stairs. Fire had found its way to the upper levels by means of the vines and smoke was everywhere. We found the front door, but there was impassable debris piled up in front of it.

“Well, I can't pick that. Hell, we are going to have to find window.” Scapegrace grumbled as she covered her muzzle. “I still can’t believe we burned down a place filled with so much history and perspective.”

I laughed with a shrug. “This isn’t even the first building I have set on fire today!”

Scapegrace gave a conflicted glare, but with the fire climbing higher, we didn’t sit long on it. On the second level we found a window that led to an open street. I broke the glass with the metal fridge.

“After you.” I said with as I offered a hoof. "Bah! Ahaha! What are you doing?!" I said as I saw her tightly wrapped around thick pile of files.

"Don't judge me..." She said with a squint. Scapegrace was halfway out of window when she hesitated. “Ahh! There are a bunch of radigators down there!”

I grinned. “Good. They’ll break your fall!” I gave her flank a push, forcing her out of the window. She had already pushed me out of a building once today, and that wasn’t nearly as high, and at least I had the common courtesy to refrain from shooting her in the face while I did it. I didn’t feel bad in the slightest. She was taking too long.

She fell completely without grace, and with a lot of internal shrieking. When I jumped she was flailing as radigators were investigating her. I dropped in and locked eyes with the largest one of them. I flared my teeth and glared death into the gators. “Looking at you scaly! Back off, or you will get served with side of hayfries.” I growled.

I didn’t know if it understood the words, but the intonation carried a lot more information for them. The radigators backed off and continued to pick apart the oversized mole rat they were gnawing at before.

Scapegrace's shoulders fell as she raised an eyebrow. “How did you do that?” She asked with wide eyes.

I put a hoof to my heart and looked off over my shoulder. “Dealing with a lot of animals is a game of respect and attitude. It is important to communicate that you aren’t prey.”

Scapegrace flapped her tail and tilted her head. “Where did you learn that?”

I laughed as I walked on in front of her. “In the tribes, you learn to live with the world. It was how I was brought up.”

Scapegrace followed after me. “Any other trick to it?”

I turned back to her, squinting aggressively. I wagged a hoof at her. “You got to make sure they know you really will serve them with a side of fries.”

She laughed at me, but I was serious. Radigators are little dinners with stubby little legs. You had to make sure to cook them right, but it wasn’t really all that difficult.

We made our way on toward the ministry of morale building. There was a moment that made me realize we were in the heart of the raider activity. It was a heavy stink that violated your sense. We snuck by the body of a green pony that was pinned to a wall with railway spikes and all had all four legs cut off along with its head. It was the kind of repulsive thing that had become commonplace to the wasteland. It was the type of thing that makes me ask:
‘Is that all you could do? …. Really?’

It was a real tragedy. Back in the day, there was more to the raiders than just chopping off somepony’s head and putting it on a spike. If somepony wanted to do something like that, they had to think about it. It was an artistic process, really. How could you convey the irony of the wastes in a way that communicates to ponies? Sure, the staples raiders use these days were original at some point, but now they were just manufactured. I’ve heard of raiders selling pre-flayed ponies to other raider groups. It makes me disappointed in them. They just don’t make them how they used to.

"There it is!" Scapegrace called out as she bucked and pranced. Up ahead was a bright pink building, with blue accents. It looked like an old theater house. There were cracked monitors on the outside walls and some statues of performing ponies in short skirts dancing. There were boards on either side as we approached the entrance. Water had plastered paper and posters to the board, but they were beyond recognition. Along the wall, there was a fancy mural of a pink pony sliding down a winding road of piano keys through space. We slipped passed a wandering group of raiders to get to the front doors. The first level had a number of stripped down technological devices. Namely it had holodec-projectors—nonfunctional, of course, and speakers. The walls were covered in multicolored fantasia. Scapegrace was diving in and out of rooms with childish glee as we walked around. She had a warm glow slipping out of her.

As we passed through the main lobby, I turned to Scapegrace.

“Hey, I was wondering… I never asked about your injuries, how many vines did you have to deal with?” I asked casually.

“Zero.” She said smugly, to my chagrin.

I leaned into her with a doubting squint. “You dirty liar! How many? Really!” I refused to believe that my own injuries were my own damn fault. I was quick and had… adequate senses.

Scapegrace giggled at me.“None. I’d like to say it was skill, but I was just emulating one of the weightless talismans. The plants could hardly sense me at all.”

I raised an eyebrow as I peaked into a closet, which was full of props and balls. “So, I’m supposed to believe that you are able to mimic gem-like qualities just because you’re a crystal pony?” I shook my head. I grabbed a ball and tossed it at Scapegrace.

Scapegrace shuffled back and caught it. She tossed it to the side and laughed. “Yeah, yeah you are. It’s more of an absorption thing though…”

I flicked my tail and tensed in aggravation. “Damn it, I knew my fridge felt heavier. You rotten scamp.”

“What’s that? Need another potion?” She flashed a vinegar smile. I gave her a light shove as I walked past her. It knocked her flat against the wall.

One room had a holodisk library, but it was probably one of the first things raided during the riots of the war. There were tons of posters advertising shows from "The Great Ponyacchi Junior" to "The Masked Mare versus the Fetlocks of Fury title match" and even travel brochures for New Reino and all its sinful glory, but there was one larger poster covering over most of the other ones that read:

HEY, LOOK! A MOOSE!

See the Majestic, Magnificent, Bemusing Moose.

It was hard not to get distracted with all the sights to take in. For a place notorious for having an eye all over town, it was very entertainment heavy. Maybe they actually wanted ponies to be happy. It was a nice idea, but the wasteland taught me that the only pony who can make you happy is yourself. A lot of ponies got caught in thinking that the wasteland brought all the terrible things to them. I used to get caught up in thoughts like that in the past, but I stopped worrying about those things, and I was stronger for it. If I had to diagnose the times, the wasteland wasn't suffering from depression, but from a bipolar disorder. It is a place of great highs and great lows, and it makes it a pretty great place live.

Scapegrace had run up ahead. She was a diver in places like this. Even without her changing colors, I could tell she was excited. I was beginning to wonder if she just brought me here for her sake instead of mine.

“Tumbleweed, over here! I might have found him…”

Her voice led me down a hallway. Underneath an unlit sign that read, “on air”, she pointed inside to a room filled with electronic boards covered in knobs and levers, with microphones hanging from the ceiling.

“Is that him?”

There was a figure at one of the desks, face down, with a hat and full body cover. I couldn’t tell at a distance whether it was him, but looked like him. There was a radio, but it was plugged into headphones, so we couldn’t hear it. There were many vinyl records on the walls. When I approached, I realized the body wasn’t moving.

I knew there was always a possibility of things coming down to this. Not all heroes come out on top, although I felt betrayed given the aura he gave me earlier. I might have miscalculated his affinity for kicking ass and taking names. Something told me things were off, but I couldn’t argue with my eyes. It seemed as though he was looking to contact somepony in his last moments, so I reached a hoof out to try and find out what kind of message he was broadcasting.

“Get ya crummy pony mits off mah stuff,” a gravelly voice said as a swollen hoof slapped my hoof out of the way. Blue eyes, caught in between the melted folds of flesh of the ghoul’s brow, stared me into panic.

“Agh! Caboodles’ a zombie pony!” I had to keep myself from punching him out of reflex.

“Oi, keep it down, smoothslicker, you’ll wake the dead." The ghoul whispered, stretching his neck out as he glanced from side to side. He put a hoof forward with a grin. "The name’s Audacity.”

“You ghouls need to stop playing dead all the time, it is really getting to me.” I said with a laugh. "Tumbleweed of Gloryroad." I said as I shook hooves. His hoof shake was really strong for a crumbling pile of bones.

Scapegrace cringed at the ghoul with a frown. It looked like she was in a trance. When I raised an eyebrow at her, she gave a sprite shake of her head. "Oh, sorry. I'm Scapegrace." She said reaching a hoof out.

“Gloryroad, huh? So your one of them junkies?” The ghoul said as he leaned back. While he was talking I noticed he was wearing a tropical shirt and a morning coat (complete with tails.

"Guilty as charged." I said with a grin. "I'm one of their trailblazers.

Audacity leaned back in his swivel chair. "I don't know what that means, does that mean you're a dirty merchant scoundrel or what?" The ghoul said with a grin.

A shrugged. "I'm like a different kind of scoundrel. I'm the crazy pony who runs all over the wasteland making deals for the caravans." I laughed.

"I'm jus' givin' you a hard time, kiddo." Audacity laughed as he tapped his hooves. "Have t'say, I heard a wicked good thing or two 'bout what your company does. I'd love to get some of that lovely stuff, but I've got a whole lot of nothing." The ghoul squinted in glee.

I leaned in, bracing my elbow against the table. "Hey, that doesn't mean anything. Let me drop you a tip. Just cause you can't score a deal doesn't mean that you can't get somepony else to do it, and that is what we call business."

The ghoul's fire glazed eyes widened. "Ohh, that sounds great. Heh, I like the way you think." The ghoul jabbed me in the chest with his elbow. "There are some folks around here somewhere. If you could set something up with them, then you could get rid of all these other messes around here and I could have a little sunshine in my bones." The ghoul turned back to his table and flipped a few switches. He slid down a crossfader on the board and raised a hoof. “Can y’all be hush for a hot second? I was gonna record a bit.” The ghoul said as his horn glowed, wrapping a golden light around a metal case. The light unlocked the latches and floated out a silver microphone and plugged it into the ministry system. The unicorn ghoul took a moment to clear his throat, and then took a deep breath to meditate on a spell.

“If PON-2 is too little and PON-4 is too much, this is DJ PON3, coming to you live from Tennypony Tower!" The ghoul boomed in a spunky masculine voice alien to his own. Both Scapegrace and I dropped our jaws at the sound. "How is it hangin’ in there, wasteland? Good Ol’ Pon-3 has that good ganja to fix all those list’nin’ cravings. Gather round, little chitlins, it’s time for big brother DJ to lay down some hard as brick stacks of facts, ya hear? Remember, a gun is a wonderful tool to keep away the wasteland when it wants cuddle a little tough, and no pony is gonna argue with a bullet, but it can be a might discouraging to anypony with half a heart to help a brony out. The wastelands are only as bad as we make it, everypony, and that’s a fact. Here's a bonus one, just cause I like ya'll so much: Remember, just because they look like something crawling out of ya worst nightmares doesn’t mean that the ghouls are looking to cause trouble. If you look past the melted acrylic coat of those poor unfortunate ghouls, you will find a lovable little pony just looking for a good toaster to make his breakfast. Some of my best friends are ghouls, and they can be your friends, too. So stop hatin’ and get toleratin’. And that’s a pretty good fight, ain’t that right wasteland? And now, for you listening pleasure, the Ministry of Awesome’s very own Lightning Dust and the Awesomebolts, with ‘Keep it cool!’” The ghoul’s magic flashed, and a cloud of magic carried an old record onto the turntable. He clicked a few buttons triumphantly and then spun around in his chair.

Scapegrace and I looked at each other with eyes so wide they twitched. In pantomime we questioned each other. It went back and forth. Did that just happen? Yeah, it did. He is less sexy than I thought he would be. The hell is he doing here? Then she pantomimed something about inadequacy of a banana in the wasteland, and I was confused. Talking without talking was hard. I whispered, “Should I talk?”
“Yeah, you do it.” She whispered back.

“The hell was that?” I burst out. Scapegrace elbowed me in the shoulder.

“…well, ya live 183 years and you realize, you start to get bored…” Audacity said in his usual grimy voice.

“Tennypony tower, eh?” Scapegrace raised an eyebrow. "Can you even tap into the MASEBS from here? That kind of splice, particularly so far from the hub would be insane."

Audacity raised his hooves half way. "Hey, one question at a time, sister." He slouched over the table. "You're a pretty smart mare. Yeah, the security and arcane insulation on that spiffy little MASEBS BS makes it near impossible to hack." The ghoul turned with a grin. "Unless your awesome, like me." He waived a hoof. “and yeah, this ain't look like Tenpony, but, well, I used ta work around that general area. I know dey gotta beautiful set’of ‘quipment up there I would maybe not kill a pony for, but I might push a pony down a flight of stairs for. They say they don’t like ghouls too much, but well the joke is on them, because they are living off an ol’ministry of arcane science facility in there, and they can’t get past the crazy force field they got in there. I could probably walk straight through it.”

Scapegrace pushed me out of the way. “You are compatible with the bypass? Does that mean you’re related to the Twilight Sparkle?”

Audacity blushed as he twirled the tiny bit of hair he had in his mane. “Well, just a little bit. I am the son of the son of her mother’s brother, which makes me like her great nephew. ...although she never really did show up for the reunions.”

It was weird getting to know DJ-pon3, or at least a really good impersonator. I always got the idea that he would be taller. I had some questions.

“Have you seen a fella wearing a…” I stopped myself. “Have you seen a zebra with an attitude and couple shiny guns running around.”

“Sorry if I don’t keep tabs on everypony in town, but everypony in this town is crazy...” He said with a grinning shrug.

“You’re telling me.” I laughed.

“Usually, it’s not half this bad. I figure I’ll just wait it out, and let them kill each other. That or they just decide to pack up and leave. They got to run out of bullets sometime.” My eyes shot him a dose of judgment at his words. The corners of his melted face turned up. “There are more than few benefits to being a ghoul. When you can’t die from starvation or thirst, it opens up a door or two to problem solving.”

“It sounds like you have adapted nicely, given the circumstances.” I told him.

“I do miss my old looks, but I guess ponies always told me I had a face for radio. Although, in the end of the world, I think I made a lot of friends over the airwaves. I hear a lot of stories, and it gives me something to talk about. Sometimes I just go exploring. I search through the old frequencies, and I try to find out if there are other ponies out there. It’s something ponies never really did back before the war. There was too much priority of who got to use what, but now things are pretty free. I can play dead until I’m crusty, if I can listen to my friends talking.”

Despite his horrifying looks, the pony had a tender aura to him. It wasn’t everyday that you could find a pony who was so damn happy about their lot in life. It was nice. His uninviting visage couldn’t compete with the power of his smile.

"Let me say this though... there is a storm brewing, and it is only going to get worse." Audacity said. Then he ghoul took to his hooves, and walking out the door, he beckoned us to follow. He took us through a number of halls, filled with burst balloons and fallen streamers. We found ourselves huddled under a table, looking out a grand window on the first floor. We had a great view of a five way intersection in the middle of town. Ahead of us were the remains of an old barbershop called ‘Mane Street’, and an old hospital with a red cross and several butterflies on it. On the far end of the strip, there was a well, surrounded by a mill and a number of houses.

Suddenly, a building started to shake with the sound of snapping wood. A few combatants fled out of the building. There was a blue earth pony, a silver unicorn, a bat pony, and a green griffon. Each one wore an array of armor, weapons, and trophies to give them an air of intimidation, but the fear plastered on their faces betrayed them of such a semblance. They all wore a rather heinous looking skull around their necks.

“Keep quiet, but watch this. This town wasn’t so big on raiders not too long ago. It’s a bit of quiet neighborhood. But recently, there has been a bad wind blowing and it really stinks.” Said Audacity

The silver unicorn’s horn glowed intensely as it released a swirling black light that flew into the heart of the house, and began pulling everything thing to a single spot. The supports of the house bent inward to the will of the singularity, with waves of debris flowing into the center. I could only barely make out the shape of a pony inside from this distance. The house collapsed in on itself, and the three cheered. I could barely hear the words they were speaking from this position.

“Is he dead?” The earth pony asked as the griffon pulled out a nasty looking red vial and swigged it. The attitudes of the three started to change as soon as the building fell.

“Hell yeah, no thanks to you idiots.” The unicorn muttered. “That bitch had a lot of nerve coming at all three of us.” The griffon said, coughing between draws of potion.

“I could have creamed him all on my own. One smart grenade and he would have been singing to Celestia.” The earth pony said as he smirked.

“Yeah right, without my spells, you would have been the pony doing the singing!”

“What was that? You wanna say that again?” The earth pony reared up in front of the unicorn.

“Yeah, I would. You’re a dirty, useless, mudpony who can’t take on one lousy bastard.”

As the two argued, I kept finding myself drawn back to the house. A sinister energy entwined around it, but not a single pony seemed to notice. Suddenly, a segment of wooden pillar flew out of the building, knocking the griffon out of the sky.

“The hell was that?” The two panicked. The bat pony started walking forward into the dust, when suddenly he flailed back, falling to his hooves.

A cackling laugh came from the debris, obscured by a cloud of dust. From within the cloud, a bulky stone club crashed down on the batpony, splattering him into a mass of red gore. "Boom! How do you like that? That's round 1, and I'm just getting started." The voice said. As the dust settled, a purple earth pony stallion emerged. He had a wild black mane, styled back with Celestia knows what, and a scar across the middle of his face that ran all the way back to his ear. He had a long studded bat made of stone cradled across his back, dripping with the bat pony's blood. It had a ring on the end and the entire club was twice the length of his body. Unlike the other raider’s we had run into earlier, his coat bore no armor. He stood up in fierce half-nakedness in front of his opponents with a grin. Half his face was powdered white with a chalky substance.

The purple earth pony grinned. "Playtime."

The unicorn and earth pony pulled grenades off of their bandoliers as quickly as they could, and hurled them at the purple menace. A burst of fire blew another cloud of dust into the air.

“Take that you sick Fu-AAAAH…!” The unicorn’s insult was cut short as the bounding body of the purple earth pony pierced through the cloud. The purple earth pony clothes-lined the silver unicorn with the length of his stone club, and with an abrupt turn, stole any semblance of balance from the unicorn. With a sprite little jump the purple earth pony painted a gorgeous crescent across the escaping blue earth pony raider with his club. The club cleaved straight through the earth ponies hip, snapping it like one of those pre-war chocolate wafer bars. The blue earth pony tried to crawl away on his forehooves, but the purple raider wrapped a hoof around the neck of his victim.

"Hows it goin', bud? How are you feeling?" The purple pony asked as he pulled the mangled mess up to him. "You still planning on being the raider king?" The mangled talon raider shook his head violently. "That wasn't what you were saying before." The purple pony slammed his head against his targets. the blue earth pony fought with everything he had to get away, the purple earth pony almost showed mercy as he pushed the blue pony away, only to bring his heavy bludgeon down at the perfect length. The earth pony’s shoulder gave way, the club making it seem as though there was nothing between it and the ground. "If you didn't want to be king, you should have stayed out of my way." The purple pony slammed a hoof down the mangled wreck of a pony. Bracing the club on his shoulder, the earth pony scuffed his hooves together as he reared onto his hindhooves.

The raider looked around at the terrified pair. “Let me teach you how to play a gentle pony’s sport. It’ll be fun.” He said. I wouldn’t have been able to hear the pony, but he practically yelled the words. He seemed to be completely enjoying himself. The earth pony braced the bat between his front to hooves and his neck, and with a full body turn, he brought the bat right up to the blue pony’s head, only to stop.

Kri-ting!

A loud burst of a handgun echoed over and over as the unicorn unloaded round upon round into the purple ponies head. The unicorn laughed menacingly as he made the act. The purple pony flinched back as he was riddled with bullets, pulling the bat backwards, and knocking him a few steps back.

“I did it. I actually killed Killjoy! I did it. That makes me strongest… right? I did it. I really fucking did it!”

“FORE!”

The earth pony stomped a hoof forward back onto the mess on the ground, and with a wild swing, he slammed the blue pony’s head flying through the air across the street. The head flew well over the well and embedded itself in a window of a building.

The scarred earth pony kicked at the dirt with the scuff of a hoof. “Damn it! In the rough…” the earth pony sighed. “That is gonna add at least 2 strokes to my game. Celestia knows my putting game isn’t too great either.” He said scrunching his nose. The silver unicorn was without words. The unicorn trembled as quivering legs carried him stumbling backwards. I could see blood running down the side of the earth pony’s head, when I noticed something particular. The blood found its way into the grooves all along the pony’s neck. The pony was covered in scars. His skin was most likely much harder than leather, but taking several bullets to the head was something I could still only chalk up to the fact that he was an earth pony. Even still, it wasn't every earth pony that could do that. It probably had to do with his own personal earth pony magic. The earth pony turned to the unicorn, bracing the studded club on his back. “See, this is what happens when you distract a pony.”

My curiosity peaked, and I found myself stealing a glance at the two ponies next to me. Scapegrace was running pale color, and I could tell she was a little thrown off by the display of force, but part of me got the feeling that the crazy tick of the eyebrow she was showing was a result of disbelief. Not everypony could take a bullet to the head, let alone several, and carry on as if nothing happened. It is the type of thing that makes a pony wonder if there was anything in that pony’s head at all. She was having a hard time watching. Old captain Audacity seemed rather disturbed, but in the way that somepony watching a fight would cringe when somepony took a heavy blow. He seemed to be looking for something entertaining, or maybe he was just waiting for them to be done with it, but he looked impatient. As for me, I couldn’t look away. There was something about watching somepony get served their own flank steak that made you unable to stop watching. I may not have been heroic as I watched, but it was entertaining.

When I looked back up, the purple earth pony juggernaut was grinding the unicorn into a paste or a powder. I guess I missed something, but sometimes that happens. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the griffon trying to fly away in the confusion. No sooner than that, the earth pony raider called out. “Midnyte! Get that for me!”

There was a swirl of dark fire and smoke. From within the coils of flame, a dark blue unicorn mare appeared as if by a mirage. She had a heavy green cloak, a jewel set upon faded metal bracers, and a horn atop her head that could make a stallion jealous. Her horn flared a dark nimbus, as the fire swirling around her fell straight to the ground almost forming a puddle. The fires quickly formed together in one mass and began flowing up the contours of the body. As they moved, they wove together. When they reached about eye level, they hovered, the energies still spinning for only a moment. All of this happened in a matter of seconds. With a high pitched ring, a burning chain of fire burst out and pierced the wing of the griffon. The griffon shrieked in pain, but even as he failed to beat his wings, the chain came around and pierced the other wing, drawing the fiery chains across his chest. With a mystic flash, the unicorn mare pulled the griffon straight out of the sky, crashing to the ground. She moved to get closer to the griffon. With every step she took, another coil of chain wrapped around the griffon until his body could hardly be seen. With another mote of ashy light, the chains burst into roaring flames, grilling the griffon into a crispy husk.

“Wooohoo! Go Midnyte! You still have the style!” The earth pony raider cheered as he puppetted the mouth of the severed head of the unicorn from before.

“Will you stop playing around here?” Midnyte asked.

“Oh, come on. There are just so many new bastards that want to get in our way, I am just playing with them. Just a little rough-housing…” Killjoy said as he shook the head around in his hooves, almost as if driving it like it was a car.

“You call this rough housing?” She asked, looking around at all the buildings. We all ducked just to be sure we wouldn’t be seen.

“I’m teaching them. These newbies don’t know which side of a gun kills ponies. I’mma believer in tough love. You’ve got to be rough with them, or they will never learn.” The earth pony said, turning the head to face him. “Isn’t that right?” He asked the head before shaking it up and down. “Yes, killjoy. You’re so smart.” He said in a rather silly voice.

“You shouldn’t be wasting your time around here. The reason you get shot in the head so much is because you foal around too much.”

Killjoy seemed taken aback by the statement. “You are literally no fun. Maybe we should call you ‘Killjoy’. Your way has no heart at all. No soul.” the earth pony said in protest, all while hugging the unicorns head.

The unicorn looked at him and laughed at him. “What the hell are you laughing at?” Killjoy asked.

“When you have your blood running through you’re scars like that, you kind of look like a purple and red zebra.” Midnyte added

“Don’t say it!” Killjoy was irate.

“…hehe…bwa…donut steel!” Midnyte was barely able to stifle her laughter.

“You suck, Midnyte.”

“Aww, Tough Cookie. Don’t be mad.”

“I told you not to call me by my real name either…” Killjoy pouted.

“You know I’m just playing with you. Can I get you something for your head?”

“Well what do you want, little buddy?” Killjoy asked the head in his hooves.

“Not that head, your head! The one on your shoulders!” Midnyte corrected.

“Oh, my head? Nah, I’m a tough pony. I eat my wheaties…” Killjoy hesitated for a second. “Actually, if you could get me one of those healing bastards, mix in some sparkle cola, and some hot sauce. That would be great.”

“Alright, but let’s not take too long. We want qualify. This is big.”

“I don’t have any worry on that end, Midnyte. Let me tell ya, there ain’t any other gang that is gonna beat the six of us, because what we got, baby…” Killjoy paused.

“It’s magic!” he added.

Shortly after that, the unicorn mare disappeared into some of the ruins. The donut steel earth pony started walking towards our window.

“Get down.” Audacity whispered. We both followed suit. There was a moment of silence as we sat waiting for the raider to pass. We heard some smudging noises on the window. After a little while, there was the sound of something hitting the dirt, it might have broken some dried mud. We waited after we heard the hoof steps of the pony gallop off. I looked at Scapegrace, and she motioned that she was going to check to see if it was all clear. She looked up, and gave a sign, and we relaxed protocol. There the unicorn’s head was, lying on the ground next to the window. Smeared in blood were the words: Killjoy was here!

“This is what I have been putting up with the last few weeks. It is getting pretty bad.” The ghoul said, breaking the silence. "And it is going to get worse, let me tell you."

“It seems pretty rough to be sure. And that is why I am looking for this guy. He is convinced that he needs to save somepony in here.” I said with a shrug.

"Those ponies he is looking for exist. He must have a good nose though... and balls of steel for that matter." Audacity said with a laugh as he sat back into a chair on the side.

“The Ministry of Morale had lot of cameras back in the pre-war times, do you think there is any chance that any of them still work.” Scapegrace asked the ghoul.

“I am only a radio hoof, but there are some computers upstairs. You are free to give those a look.” The ghoul said.

“Oh, thank you so much.” Scapegrace added, zipping passed the ghoul faster than he could say “you’re welcome.”

Audacity sighed. "Crystal ponies... I feel sad for 'em. They might just be the unluckiest lot in the whole wasteland." He looked to me. "You better take care of her."

What did that even mean? Regardless, I nodded. I owed her more than that anyway... I followed after Scapegrace.

She took on a slightly rosy glow as she approached me. “We get to take a look into actual Ministry of Morale computer databases. They kept an eye and ear out for everything.” She said, absolutely giddily. She had a hard time concealing her enthusiasm. I already knew that looking for Capsule Toad wasn’t her first priority.

I almost lost her trail as I stumbled to follow her pace. The second level was covered in computers. Most of them seemed to personal computers that were hooked up to a large storage device. Many of them weren’t functional. Some were separated from their power sources, others were scrambled from all the radiation, and some just were suffering from the common “rebar-running-through-the-display” issue. Only one of those problems would be in the manual. Still, I was surprised to see Scapegrace canter straight past all of them and straight to a metal door in the back. Dextrously, she pulled out an impressive array of lock picks. Some ponies tried to get by with a bobby pin and a screw driver, but those types of things didn’t work all the time, because there are so many different kinds of locks. Bobby pins are not all purpose burglary tools.

“What to use, what to use…” Scapegrace mumbled to herself while looking at her arsenal. “I could try to bump it, but that would probably take forever, and this kind of high security door probably has bumping protection.” Scapegrace looked at me. “Go make yourself busy. This might take a bit.” She said to me, before getting lost in the conversation between mare and lock.

I found myself with a ton of time to kill and nothing to do. I wasn’t really a computer pony, but I once set the time on an ancient VCR, so I decided it might be fun to see if I could get anything out of the computers.

After looking through the rows, I found an old computer that for some kind of miraculous reason was still kicking. I booted up the computer and it brought me to a login page. Of course the computers were locked, that made sense to me. I sighed. I peeked around the corner to see Scapegrace totally absorbed in her picking activities. She was huddled up close to the wall, concentrating hard as she felt the insides of the lock with the pick and tension. It didn’t look like she was going to be done anytime soon. I decided to give a shot at guessing passwords. With ponderous hooves, I typed in the word “Cupcake”. It seemed like as good a guess as any. I clicked the enter button.

“Incorrect password.” The computer typed at me. Okay, it was a shot in the dark, but let’s try again. I typed in, “I love cupcakes.” When I pressed the return key, I was left in shock. “Are you deficient or something? I already said it’s not cupcakes!” The computer typed at me. In following time honored tradition, I wacked a hoof across the top of the computer. Suddenly the words, “Don’t hit me,” flashed across the screen. “I can hit you if I damn well please, you stupid prewar piece of junk!” I didn’t realize I yelled that out loud until it was too late. Scapegrace in the corner stopped what she was doing and raised an eyebrow at me. I just waved. “Sorry, don’t mind me.” She went back to work on the lock, and I turned my ire back on the computer. I typed into the password textbox, “Morale”. After a brief pause, the computer responded. “Normally, I would just lock you out, but you are so hilariously bad at this, I don’t think I need to.” It also added, “Go read a book or something.” That stupid arcane computer Brahmin shit! I couldn’t lose to the tyranny of this infernal contraption. I typed in, “Investigation”.

Suddenly the computer began making weird noises inside. The words, “Access Granted,” graced the screen and I cheered for myself. The display switched to set of 6 gems, with a light moving around in a circle from gem to gem. Then, it brought me to what I can only imagine was the desktop. There were lots of folders with conspicuous titles on them, so I clicked the directional arrows until it highlighted one of the folders, and then clicked return. It put an image of a wrapped gift labeled ‘super secret stuff’ on the screen. It started counting down.

3…

2…

7…wait a second… 1…

On zero, the gift popped open on the screen with streamers and confetti, and the words “Just kidding” zoomed out of the box.

It took me back to the login page. The words, “I can’t believe you fell for that. What a dolt!” appeared under the password input. I just sat there and stared at it in anger. After a while, the words “Sure you don’t want to try one more time? Hey, maybe you will get it? Hahaha!” appeared. I decided not to play into the computers stupid games. The last message it sent to me was, “Are you mad at me?” I got onto my front legs and bucked that computer with no sense of mercy.

Click! “Hey, I got it,” Scapegrace jingled happily just before the computer smashed against the wall next to her. “What the hell are you doing to that poor defenseless machine, Tumbleweed?”

“It made fun of me.”

Scapegrace shook her head at me. “Just don’t’ touch anything in here alright. This is the good stuff.”

Having defeated the forces of evil, I followed Scapegrace into the next room. Just as we entered, we were assaulted with streams of confetti fired out of hidden cannons on the sides of the doors. In front of us was a grand super-computer, bolted into the walls. It made the computers outside look rather pedestrian.

“Alright, give me a bit, hacking is a delicate process.” Scapegrace added.

I was beginning to realize that Scapegrace was significantly more skilled than I was. She booted up the computer, and when she got to the login screen she dived into her pack for some tools. Curious, and possessed with the hooves of Discord, I typed in, “Cupcakes” into the password box.

“So, we meet again.” read the monitor.

I almost got mad, but then something strange happened. The visuals of the computer started to bug out, flashing upward like in those really old movie reels. Keys started to move on the keyboard, filling in the password.

“Password Accepted.” Flashed across the screen. Scapegrace looked at me with hacking tool in hand and smiled. “I didn’t realize you knew what you were doing. Good job.” I smiled awkwardly. Then there was a thin laser that scanned over the both of us.

“Smile Scan approved. Welcome Tumbleweed.” A tinny voice spoke out.

"Excuse me?" I said with a raised eyebrow. What was that supposed to mean?

Scapegrace looked at me with sheer confusion, and I just shrugged. I couldn’t explain it, but I was certainly appreciative of the result. So, I got down to business. And by me, I meant Scapegrace did.

“Looks like we have access, but it is only to a few specific files. It seems weird. I am going to download everything we can to this memory gem, just to be sure though.”

“Well, get reading!” I pushed Scapegrace on.

“I’ll bring it up on the monitor.”

Scapegrace tapped away at the controls, and she brought a number of files up. I don’t think Scapegrace realized that while she was reading, she was breathing really loud.

This is positively bonkers. The amount of dark magics running about Equestria is super ridiculous. Ridiculous would not be nearly as much of a problem, but this has clearly surpassed the odds and gone straight to super ridiculous levels. It is bad enough, trying to keep a bunch of grumpy anger-y patriot ponies from trying to keep the war going, but now there are powers reaching out to them and I have not a single pink inkling as to how they are getting access to this stuff. We've tried talking to their faces, but it doesn't seem like they like to talk to us. That's what the memory scans are for. Everypony seems to have such good intentions and they just want to get by, but when everypony is an arms dealer things get wicked bad. We think we've pinned down how Hexerai might be reaching out to these ponies. It seems she is a real dream girl. It would be great if we could read dreams with the memory scans, but most of the dreams come out fuzzy because most ponies can't remember the thoughts. Its really no wonder we haven't been able to find them. Luna's been really focused on the war and will of the people, and it seems she doesn't get to sleep enough. That just means we have a bunch of sleepy dream terrorists running around giving things to ponies that shouldn't have those things. Dark magic is particularly bad, because of the effects it has on the user, and the victim. It tends to be crazy powerful in the hooves of a good intentioned pony, but it causes lots of changes to them. It is almost like it sucks all the good out of ponies. It also causes them to change in all sorts of gnarly, evil ways, like giving them crazy side burns and goatees. Goatees are super evil. From what we can tell, it just gives them everything they've ever wanted. Anyhoo, we have a few in custody, and I am gonna take my pink privilege to set a precedent that we send these ponies to MAS. Hopefully, they could find some way to change them back. Even so, I think Twilight will appreciate me sending something that might help with project gardens, they seem to be similar to the things she talked about back then. Even if she isn’t talking to me… Oh, saving the world just isn’t like the old days. Anyway, as big of a problem as the homefront is, I really need to talk with myself because I think she wants to get into contact with the oracle. I'm my own boss, and I'm gonna have my neck if I don't get this done. Last time I went over my own cupcake I think I got on my own bad side. She sent me a letter recently saying that the oracle knows a pony that might be able to work with us. She said he is some kind of ancient ghoul thing. Also, I think she spelled his name wrong, but maybe that is just how his name is supposed to be. I guess if he wants to put the "O" in front of the "A," that is fine by me.

Scapegrace found herself searching through other documents, but I found myself getting bored. I ended up searching through some of the desks in the room. There was a locked drawer, but I forced it open, so it didn’t matter. I found a weird horseshoe with 3 balloon shaped gems bedazzled on the side. I figured it was lucky and decided to keep it with me. I found a bottle cap, a box of prewar mintals, a moldy cupcake, and some eye-patches. Another cabinet was full to the brim with these weird white orb things. I played around with them for a little, but I couldn’t figure out what they were supposed to be. On a whim, I grabbed a hoof full of them. They certainly weren’t going to be missed. I hated being hard with Scapegrace, especially after making her burn down that ministry of image guy’s home, but I was getting bored. Time was valuable.

“Hey, can we find out where my friend is? You said something about videos or something.”

“Yeah, I found what I was looking for, so I can get searching for that.” Scapegrace said as she unplugged the talisman memory device and sorted it safely away in her saddle bags. Then after a few taps at the control panel, she brought up several active cameras around the city. While the arcane components of computers were MAS, these cameras had to be made by an earth pony. Earth ponies liked to make things indestructible, even when it wasn’t necessary. I gave a moment of thanks to my ancestors for leaving at least something that was useful. After a little searching, the striped stranger showed up on one of the cameras near the Carousel. I laughed because the camera’s title on the display was “BOUTI-CAM”.

“Alright, we got him! Let’s get moving!” With no conscious intention, I brought a hoof down on the console as I spoke. A party whistle blew from a wall mounted device and lights began flashing.

“This is why I said, ‘don’t touch anything!’” Scapegrace scolded me.

“It’s not my fault!”

Suddenly, something started making machine noises inside the computer, and there was the ring of a bell, like the kind one might find in a crackle-jack box. Two hatches opened up in the computer, and mechanical arms, bearing a fresh pink and blue cupcake on a plate, emerged. It waited there for a moment before we realized we were supposed to take the cupcakes. Scapegrace and I looked at each other before taking the cupcakes.

As soon as we took them, a giant exclamation point flashed on screen. “Glitter-bombs armed. This computer will now self-destruct in 10…” An automated voice called out.

“987654321haveaniceday!” It was the fastest countdown. It wasn’t fair. We couldn’t get away. All I could do was scruff the cupcake down so I didn’t get glitter on it. The panels on the computer burst open and glitter filled the entire room. It descended upon us like cancer. We did our best to shake as much of the infernal sparkles off of us, but both of us knew there were some things that you couldn't get away from. That was usually the way of the wastes, but I felt the wasteland was laughing at me for this one. Anyway, we knew where to go, and that was all we needed.

*** *** ***

The air itself was rife with violence. The heat was enough to make a pony’s blood boil. The struggle of so many lives forged the killing intent that made the atmosphere so cruel. A single breath could make you hot-headed; a week would make you cruel. Without the rule of law, this kind of sinister magic was an unchecked destroyer of harmony and sanity.

A flurry of bullets screamed through the air, echoing empty against the walls of the boutique. The zebra dodged another burst of gunfire as he slipped through an opening in the old boutique. A marker on his optical display labeled the location as ‘Carousel Boutique’. An earth pony raider with a twin-linked rifle-bearing battle saddle made a charge, unleashing an uneven spread of gunfire that flew only as a means of cover fire. To the raider’s surprise, there was no return fire. In the shadows, the zebra was careful not to smile.

"Come on out, you flamboyant zebra, fuck!" The raider called out.

The raider entered the room to find the place a haunting ghost of the past. The unlit surroundings played tricks on the raider’s head. There was a movement behind him, and in a mighty bound, he turned around and fired the twin-linked scissoring rounds into a bridled dress-form. Behind him, he heard a whistle.

“Don’t play with m-“

Down the line of his arm, the zebra drew a piercing line through the head of the raider. The zebra smiled.

Zukang!

The bullet lanced in between the eyes of the raider and exploded out the back of his head. From behind cover, the shining revolver extruded out from the outstretched zebra hoof.

It was a strange device, the mechanism he used. It was in defiance of the convenience of the battle saddle, but in ways it was a brother to it. The revolver was held in place by a locking harness affixed to his hoof. Lines drew down the zebra’s arm and up his body, connecting to the bite-trigger in his mouth. The bite trigger was covert, unlike that of the battle-saddle, it was held in the back of the mouth. The gunslinger’s-hoof required balance, making it unfavorable among many, but it provided a notable advantage, for a battle saddle required you to point with the entire body. While the battle saddle excelled at combat on an even terrain, it suffered when faced with fighting opponents above and below the wielder. More importantly, the battle saddle was flawed in that it could not function well in tandem with cover.

There was a loud crash as glass scattered across the floor. A mob of ponies began crawling in at every corner of the room.

“Where the hell is that dirty zebra?”

“Maybe he has camouflage?”

“I doubt it. Everything about that bastard was loud. The clothes he wore… that stupid hat, the spurs, and especially the way he didn’t give a shit. You can’t hide balls that big!”

Two raiders snickered; Two bullet flew.

Rataff! Rataff!

Two raider dropped.

“Where the hell did that come from?” The lead raider yelled to his cohorts as they dove to cover beneath whatever they could find. Ten raiders had become six raiders. Hehehe...

“Hey, boss, I got this,” said a pink unicorn with heavy spiked pads wrapping over his shoulders. With a grunt, the unicorn focused his magical soul into his horn. There was a glimmering spark, and then a light emanated forth from the raiders horn.

Zfffwafp!

The light was snuffed out in the blink of an eye by a well placed bullet.

“Stupid fuck gave away his position. Nopony do anything stupid like that, okay? Fuck, I can’t see a damn thing.” The raider boss muttered.

“Between the eyes, win a prize,” the zebra rhymed to himself. “In the head, knock ‘em dead…” With a flick to the side, he opened out the cylinder for the revolver. “Four in row, huh? It must be my lucky day.” With a tilt, he emptied the rounds clanging to the ground.

“What the fuck was that?!” The raider boss whispered.

“I heard it, too.” Another responded.

“Quick he is reloading!” The boss ordered.

A third raider started screaming.

“Where is Klepto? He was right behind me!” The raider screamed before frantically flinging bullets everywhere with his machine gun. The raider flew into a panic as his nerves drove him mad.

“There he is!” One of the remaining raider exclaimed as he pointed to a pile of flamboyant hats.

As they trained their guns on the mound of hats, the pile exclaimed "Fuck...”

Just before a wave of lead crashed, the zebra flung himself out of the way and onto the ground. The leader followed the zebra with his trail of fire, running a line of bullets across the zebra’s side. With a quick hoof, he reached to the reloader on his side. It had several short magazines radiating out from a central hub that spring fed bullets into a 6 pointed circular arrangement. With a touch, his magnetic horseshoe grabbed the bullets and held them in formation as he pushed them into the cylinder. His adrenaline racing, he shook the cylinder into the gun and unloaded 6 shots in a spray of gunfire. He couldn’t aim well from the prone position, but he could still make each shot count. Two of the bullets found lethal spots on the body, and three of the bullets burrowed into the group of raiders.

The two remaining raider pulled themselves together after the flurry of bullets. One of them started laughing as they heard the empty click of the revolver.

“Looks like you’re out. How about a game? How many bullets do you think I got left?” The bloody unicorn raider cockily grinned. Calypto stared intently, not focusing with his eyes, but with his mind, thinking of how fast he could reload and kill these bastards. He needed the motion to be fast with no hesitation. Something moving behind the raiders caught his eye.

“How many?! You stupid fucking zebra! I asked you a… Crank will you stop touching my bags?” The first raider said.

“I’m not touching your bags.” The second raider replied with a grimace.

There was an explosion out of the raider’s saddlebag, and blasting holes in the chests and necks the two raiders, sending them writhing for only a moment before becoming still. Calypto squinted as he glanced from side to side. "I'm not alone, am I? Don't expect me to be so easy." He took to his hooves, and loaded his revolver. He slipped over to the wall, keeping a keen eye out at all angles.

When I stepped out of hiding and come up behind him, he made a vigorous pivot around and placed the barrel of his gun beneath my chin and smiled.

RaTaff!

There was a moment of silence. Something wet dripped down my throat.

My body stood there for a moment. Things happened so quickly. A new mural of blood against the wall is what I would have been a second too late. I gripped the zebra’s hoof against my shoulder. I had parried the gun over my right shoulder as a matter of instinct. It was the best part of learning the ancient arts. A gun was just a piece of metal if it couldn’t hit you.

“Show a little trigger discipline! You almost killed me!” I said gasping.

“Dirtball?” The zebra poked his eyes out from underneath his cap to get a better look at me.

“Eucalyptus!” I said as I shook him by his shoulder.

“I didn’t believe you at first, but I guess you weren’t kidding when you said you carried that fridge around with you everywhere you go… I still don’t get it.” Calypto said, clearing his hoof of my death grip.

“It’s where I keep the cans of whoops ass.” I said with calm grin and a tilt of the head, rapping a hoof against the armored fridge.

Calypto squinted at me as he scanned up and down. “Are you... covered in glitter?”

“I don't know what you are talking about.” I breathed onto my hoof and polished it against my jacket as I looked away. Calypto shrugged.

“I see you figured out morse code. You must be a quick study.” Calypto spoke with a condescending enjoyment in his words. I gave a sunny grin.

I took a look around boarded up room, walking over towards the strange mannequins that were all over the place. I looked over my shoulder back to Calypto. “Sorry, teach, I used a calculator.” …and then that calculator burned down the school.

“A calculator? Heh. Me too.” The zebra said to my surprise. I walked back over to him with a raised eyebrow. He leaned forward and pulled down the skin around his eyes, giving me glimpse of a tiny green lit screen on the surface of his pupil. “See?” He grinned.

I gave him a light smack to the face. “Quit that, you look stupid.”

“So, what brings you here? Are you brain deficient?" Calypto scoffed at me. He paced around me, his spurs jingling, looking around me. "You look unarmed. Do you want to get killed or something? You stay here and you will get hurt.”

“Hurt by what? Tripping?” I quipped back.

The zebra tilted his head and gave me a disapproving glare. “Do you not see the raiders?” I kept a straight face. He pulled off the second revolver on his poncho and stuck it handle first into my mouth. It tasted disgusting. “Use that, it has a bit of a kick, but it’s my personal craft, so I can attest to its effectiveness. Get out of here, this is no place for a merchant.”

I spit the gun right onto the floor, blegch! Calypto glared at me as I did it. I gave him a push. I didn’t understand who thought putting guns into your mouth was a logical idea. Personally, I had couple reasons I wouldn’t use one of those nasty things. Sometimes in the wasteland, you try to make a friend, and then they just try to shove a gun down your throat.

“I’m gonna die? I actually think we did pretty well back there. We took out about half of those guys back there. How about that ‘hot pants combo’ Scapegrace swung out there?” I stuck a hoof out to my side, knowing scapegrace was still hiding. A hoof slinked out from behind a crate to give me a high-hoof. Calypto’s stripes looked a little long as he watched.

“The point is, you are the one who is going to die if you stay around here.” I added putting on a strong face.

“Ah, that is an interesting opinion, but your opinion is wrong.”

“What do you mean, ‘my opinion is wrong?!?’” I asked arching my head around, like a short snake struggling to coil around its prey.

“I have a feeling… A hunch…” Calypto said, turning away as he walked over to the racks of eccentric clothing hanging in an open closet.

My eye widened and I wanted to show him what my hooves thought about his ‘hunch’, but I held off. “I have been running around all damn day, and I am not going to deal with you bugging off. You have no idea what I have been through today. I dragged a raider boss as I fell three stories... I survived not one, but two burning buildings. I almost got eaten by a vegetable. A computer made fun of me, and I made friends with a mood ring, despite her shooting me with laser pistol... twice!” I was furious, but my rant was cut off by the flying projectile dress form that pierced through the darkness.

“I said I was sorry!” A bright red Scapegrace vented from a pile of debris.

Calypto raised an eyebrow at all of this. “I see you found a mare-friend.”

The idea hit me like a ton of bricks. Contemplating the idea felt like something akin to great deluge 150 years ago. We were creatures of fairly different natures, and between the two of us, there could not possibly be harmony. I got the feeling she was in mutual agreement. I shook my head in fervent disagreement.

“Is she your wife?” Calypto asked.

Zebra-buddy, why did you want to bring such terrifying thoughts to my head? My innocent pony soul couldn’t take that kind of torture. Ha... My innocent soul... I couldn’t even see Scapegrace, as she had fallen flat on her face in response. “No, very much no.” I said as I waved my hoof.

Calypto turned back to me with wide eyes in confusion. “Then why does she throw the dress-form at you?”

“…Because she wants to hurt me?” I said with shrug.

“Is that not what love is?” Calypto asked, with a philosophical stroke to his chin and a beckoning shrug.

Okay, he was playing with me. I needed to grab hold of the conversation.

“Why won’t you come with me? I could use a body guard and you are a good gun." I said as I walked up next to Calypto. I prodded him in the chest with my hoof. "I can pay for your services and I think we would make a killer team." I laughed. "You want to help ponies in the wasteland? Well, my boss wants to do just that. Every road we make helps get supplies to ponies in need and makes travel safer. What do you say?”

Calypto sat back on his hinds and stroked the scruff of his chin. "Hmm, that sounds interesting; however..." Calypto pointed a hoof out at me. "There are ponies in this town. I won't abandon them.”

“How can you even tell?” I asked. Then, after a pause, a curious notion came to me. “Was your zebra sense a’tingling?”

He didn’t like the Zebra sense thing. “This is not a ghost town. In fact, it is rather healthy in terms of spirit ecology. As a shaman, the spirits talk to me, and they tell me that there are mortal souls deep within the ruins.”

Spirit ecology? Shamans? I grew up in a tribe, so such a thing wasn’t impossible in my eyes.

“So, you aren’t going to leave until you do something about those ponies.” I sighed.

“Yeah.” Calypto said with resolute eyes. He nodded.

"I hear some really serious stuff is about to go down..." I said as I leaned against my fridge. "But you don't care about that at all, do you?"

Calypto smiled.

"Damn it." I said as I turned a way from him. I took a walk over to the window and braced myself against the wall. "Well, I guess there is no choice." I turned my head back. "Hey, Scapegrace, how do you feel about running around and looking for this mystery town?"

Scapegrace pulled herself out of the shadows as she began sifting through the remains of the fallen raiders. "Tch, these guys have junk... oh well. I guess I needed a weapon though..." She turned back towards me. "It's been interesting." She looked down into her core and looked back up. She nodded. "I'll do it. It might be a good opportunity to find information."

I walked over to the two of them and put a hoof out. "Looks like we have a decision." I closed my eyes and laughed. "We don't even know where these ponies are, but I guess we are going to go save them."

Calypto put his hoof over mine. "Damn right, we're going to save them."

Scapegrace put her hoof in with a grimace. "And if they are dead when we get there?"

Calypto turned to her with a robust frown, then turned away. He pulled down the brim of his hat over his eyes. "Then we will avenge them."

"This hero stuff is going to be terrible." I said with a smirk. "What can I say?" I shrugged as I turned to Calypto. “You still owe me a million bits!”

Calypto raised an eyebrow. “I owe you what now?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Level Up!
New Perk: Hooves of Hustle- Damn, you did a lot of running! This perk grants 2 extra AP per turn for the purpose of movement. I guess it means you move quicker. Why not go run off a bridge or something!

Learning bonus (+10% to Stealth)

Skill Milestone: (Unarmed 100%)

Calypto Perk: A Hoofful of Criticals- You are one bad pony who kills just about every pony. You kill good ponies, bad ponies, ugly ponies, even ponies you ain’t even met yet! +5% Critical rate on all attacks.

Bonus Perk: The Fire of Friendship lvl1- Friendly fire is the fire of friendship! Can you feel it? Hell yeah you can! Hurts, doesn’t it? Well not anymore. Companions deal 20% less damage from friendly fire and have -10% critical rate against you.

Author's Notes:

This is not a new chapter, but rather the other half of the way too long Chapter 2. As per usual, I couldn't write this without the gracious setting concocted between Kkat and all the various companies involved with the Fallout franchise (Interplay, Black Isle, Bethesda, Obsidian)

I was nervous about the chapter at first, since it has a lot of bizarre stuff in it for people who are used to the new fallout games, but New Friend Gambit introduces so much fun stuff. You have Killjoy and Audacity, you have all sort of magic going on both overt and subtle, and Tumbleweed rages against the machine because technology just seems to act weird around him. If something in the story seems like it is different from how it is in the future, have some faith in me. Everything will fall into its rightful place.

Feel free to criticize, I want to make Joker's Wild as good as I can. And if you don't have much that is insightful about how to improve the story, feel free to just talk about it. Ask me questions! Tell me what you liked! <--- That is a big one because sometimes I am shooting in the dark with some of this stuff. If I make you laugh, leave a comment. Don't feel shy!