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The Sparkle Family Reunion

by sunnypack

Chapter 4: 4 - The Neighbour Exclusion Effect

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Chapter 4: The Neighbour Exclusion Effect

“There, everything is perfect.” Spike congratulated himself on a job well done. The table was set, the dishes had been cleaned and wiped down, the food was being prepared, only…

He peeked under the table.

“You’re going to have to come out of there one day.”

“No, I don’t!” Twilight shot back. “I have everything I need. Food, books, bedding, books, water, and books!”

Spike wiped a claw over his snout. “What if you need to go to the toilet?”

“Magic!”

“Listen, Twi’, you can’t use magic to solve all your problems.”

“Magic has literally solved every major problem I’ve had!”

Spike considered this, then rejected it outright. “That just sounds like a convenient plot hole cover. You’re not thinking things through.”

“If the magic is powerful enough, then the spell will work! Transversal correlative magical efficacy! I merely have to apply the theory, match the right equations, account for all the variables, make a model, test the model and gather data! If the data doesn’t fit the model you just have to iterate—”

Spike bent low, flopping down on the ground next to her. “You know this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I told you that you had to confront them.” He reached out with a claw and patted her shoulder.

Twilight made to say something, but stopped, and merely traced a hoof along the floor. She looked like she wanted to encase herself in the crystal that made up its surface.

“I know, Spike, it’s just… what if they’re… you know?”

“They’re not that bad.” He cast his thoughts back in recollection. “I mean, I’ve only met them once or twice, but each time was totally fine.”

Twilight rested her head between her legs, her eyes looking up at him soulfully. “Mom keeps feeding you gems when you’re around. You haven’t seen the other side of her.”

“What other side?”

“You know when Cadance is around and she’s talking to Rarity?”

“Rarity…”

“Focus, Spike.”

“Okay, sorry.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “What do you think their conversations were all about?”

Spike made a face. “Ergh, yuck, all the lovey-dovey stuff. I mean I can take a little mush, but that was like a day-old porridge.”

“See, Spike? It’s not that easy when they’re around.”

Spike shrugged uncomfortably. “I guess not.”

“Right. I don’t want to go there. Not yet, at least.”

“You’re going to have to come out of there someday, Twi’.”

“I know,” Twilight grumbled, “but I like it down here. It’s warm and cosy and very predictable. It fits my model of reality perfectly.”

Spike didn’t comment on her answer, he just stared at her with a raised eyebrow. When Spike wants to look unimpressed, he can really pull it off.

With a tortured groan, Twilight crawled out from beneath the table.

“Come on,” he told her with a smile. “There’s still stuff to do before they arrive.”

Twilight blinked. “Stuff?”

“Like apologising to Rainbow—hey come back!”

—————————

Both stallions froze at the unexpected sight that greeted them. They had steeled themselves with several beverages before coming back, but nothing could quite prepare them for their respective beloveds, especially with those expressions.

Especially with those expressions.

“Exit strategy?” Night Light mumbled.

“None, sir,” Shining answered.

“Blast.”

“Hello, dears,” Velvet began smoothly. Her voice seemed to be spun of silk and satin. “We need some help.”

“Shining. Father.” Cadance’s was warm honey and syrup. “We need your help with this.”

Both stallions couldn’t help it, they both took a step back.

“Night Light, dear, you don’t seem well, perhaps you’d like to sit down?” Velvet drew up a chair.

“Shining, we’ve made tea and biscuits,” Cadance continued with mesmeric eyes.

Shining felt like he was squirming helplessly in a web of wifely impressions. He could almost see the concealed fangs.

“Nice knowing you, son,” Night Light whispered.

“You were always my favourite dad.”

“What?!”

“Nothing.”

————————

Velvet rolled her eyes. “We can hear you both, you know.”

“Point still stands,” Shining mumbled.

Cadance tutted. “It’s not much, but after I got over the initial shock, it was quite interesting, really.”

Shining shared a look with his father. They nodded. So far they didn’t seem as bad as they thought.

“You see we’ve come to a conclusion,” Cadance continued. “Twilight needs some guidance.”

Wariness returned to both stallions.

“And how can we help?” Shining slowly eased himself into his chair.

Velvet tittered. “This is a family thing, you know? We need to set an example.”

Shining glanced at her wife. Her wife held his gaze. The comfortable chair suddenly felt rough and uneven. He found himself shifting uncomfortably.

“You don’t mean—?”

Velvet lifted an eyebrow meaningfully.

Shining cast a look to Cadance. “Can I have a word with you?”

“Excellent idea,” Velvet said, “I would like a word with my husband too.”

——————

Closing the door to his former room, Cadance looked around with mild interest. “You know, I’ve never been in your room before. College dorms, military bunkers… not the most private places, or romantic ones.”

Shining caught the undertone and held out his hooves. “I know that line of thought, but this is Twilight we’re talking about, not us.”

Cadance smiled. “You risk the wrath of your wife over your sister?”

Shining lifted his chin. “I believe we both have the best interests of Twilight at heart.”

Cadance glanced at the door. “Good, because your mother is crazy.”

“No way, even if you—wait, what?”

“Your mother,” Cadance hissed. “She’s totally lost it.”

“Oh, I thought this was going to go in a totally different direction.”

“I’m all for setting Twilight up with somepony so she’d find some romance in her life, goodness me that mare’s a shut-in.”

Shining blinked. “Uhh…” He felt like he needed to say something in his sister’s defence, but Cadance did have a point. “She’s not exactly… well…”

“I’m all for setting her up with somepony—” Cadance rolled her eyes “—but your mother was considering every stallion in the district and beyond!”

Shining shifted his hooves uncomfortably. “See I thought that because you came over last time…”

“Oh please, give me some credit.” Cadance tapped the floor with her hoof impatiently. “They were just hypotheticals. It needs something real. Close proximity, some interaction, or a good crush to build on. Like that guard we have? Or maybe Applejack’s brother?”

“A-Applejack’s brother?!”

“No, you’re right. Friendship friction. Maybe another stallion in Ponyville? There’s bound to be other cute ones. Oh! A pegasus! She can fly with them now.”

“Woah, woah, woah, let’s back up a bit, I thought we were talking about my mother being crazy?”

Cadance snorted. “Well, yeah, your mother even considered the mailpony. That’s just fantasy snuff.” She tilted her head and frowned. “You know she asked me if alicorns, uhh, did it, the same way normal ponies did?”

“Huh?”

“Yep. Then she asked if we should consider ‘broadening our borders’.”

“To what?”

“To other species.”

“What?” Shining wrinkled his muzzle. “That doesn’t make any sense—”

“Unless you’re in a mid-life crisis. Which your mother is. Except it’s more of an empty-nest thing. Or maybe she’s got some issues with grandma—”

“—Grandma is coming?!”

Cadance blinked. “You didn’t know?”

Shining’s forehead broke out in cold, frosty sweat. He gulped audibly. “She’s not really coming, right?”

Cadance patted him on the back. “It’ll be fine, Shining. We’ll deal with it when it gets here. In any case, I can’t really pin a reason down for Velvet’s heel-turn, it’s a bit of a train wreck.”

“Alright, alright, alright,” Shining said hastily. “What do we do?”

Cadance blinked at him. “Are you kidding? We don’t do anything. If we get in between your mother and Twilight, we’ll be trampled in the Velvet shipping express.” She shook her head. “Just play along, follow my lead, and make sure you just smile and nod, no matter how crazy it sounds.” Cadance sighed. “She’ll quickly realise that it isn’t going to work, whatever her plan is.”

Shining hooked an arm around her as she turned to the door. “Cadance, I’m worried about Twilight.”

“What?”

He shifted his hooves uneasily. “I mean if Mom sent me a letter, then she would have sent Twiley one.”

Cadance’s eyes widened. “You don’t think she’ll…”

Shining swallowed. “She’d probably be freaking out right now.”

Cadance rushed to the window and peered out the window towards Ponyville. Though mostly obscured by a few other buildings, Cadance could make out the faint glow of a magical shield. She’d know, there was one for her wedding.

“Shining,” she murmured faintly, “look at this.”

Shining scrambled to the window, sweeping the landscape until he found out what Cadance was talking about.

“That’s… my Twiley.”

————————

“Velvet, dear…”

“Night Light.” She was smiling giddily. “I have made a list.”

Night Light knew better than to argue against the list. He knew Twilight also kept lists, but at least she had toned down on them in recent times. He used to think it was cute when she was a foal, showing him a sorted list on organising her books, a list for things to do, a list for the lists of things to do, a checklist for the lists, a checklist for the checklist for the—

Night Light shook his head. On that road was the abyss, and it didn’t bode too well to stare.

“A list?” he ventured. It was an innocuous query, but the path was fraught with marital dangers.

“A list!” Velvet repeated, pulling out an incongruous parchment. It must have been magic, because when she had unfurled it, the scroll bounced off the chair, rolled across the wooden floor and exited out the kitchen. He hoped the door was closed, because he was pretty sure it might end up in Manehatten.

Though the question sent tingles of unease through his frame, Night Light had to ask it. “A list of what?”

“Topics to discuss with my daughter, of course!”

“That many?”

Velvet gave him a look as if to say he was daft. “Of course, it’s half a year’s worth! There’s so much to catch up on.”

Night Light sagged in relief. “Here I thought you were going to ask me about Twilight’s love life.”

Velvet giggled. “Oh don’t be silly. You have no role in that.” She smacked him on the arm. “Just stand there with mild approval and you’ll be the favourite parent.”

That was no fun. If he couldn’t freak out his daughter’s future partner, what was the point of being a father?

“It’s tradition.” He huffed. “I should be grudgingly disapproving so I can fulfil the cliché of a doting father.”

Velvet rolled her eyes. “You mean suffocating, just let the poor mare have whoever she wants. I want a family.”

Night Light frowned. “You already have one.”

“I want a bigger one. One that I can be a part of.”

“Oh alright.” He suddenly thought of something. “When is your mother coming?”

Velvet sighed. “Oh, she said she would visit directly. You know how she is. She invites herself.”

Night Light winced. “You know the last time she came…”

“Oh don’t be a worrywart, I’m sure it will be fine.” But even she didn’t sound sure of her reassurance. “Now, let’s go through the list.”

Night Light had forgotten about the mile-long document. He showed his wife a gritted smile.

“Of course, dear.”

————————

Luna and Celestia stood outside the barrier.

“What shall we do, sister?” Luna peered at the shielding. She was probably thinking of taking it down by brute force.

“It would be a good idea to send her a message, first.” Celestia summoned a parchment, quill and ink pot.

“Hmm. Mayhap this is a bad time to visit with the diplomatic cache of gems for the dragons?”

“I’m sure Twilight will have let us know if there were any pressing issues. Just in case, I will send a letter.” Celestia hastily scribed her message and then sent it in a puff of magic smoke. The letter went through the barrier as Celestia heaved a sigh of relief. She didn’t know what she would do if that didn’t go through.

“Superb strategy, sister,” Luna commented with a proud smile. “I had forgotten about dear Spike.”

“Indeed,” Celestia replied, “and now we wait.”

————————

A steady knock on the door jolted Twilight out of her book. She remembered starting on a reference on dealing with family, but ended up in the philosophy section on life, the universe and everything. She gaped at the incriminating trail of books that led straight to her. How much time had she wasted? But it was just one more book at the time…

Spike poked his head in. “Hey I thought you said you were heading out to dispel the spell?” He caught the trail of books. “Oh, right.” With a stifled groan he started gathering up the books. “Somepony’s at the door to see you, you better go take a look.”

“My family?”

“No,” he replied wryly. “Your friends.”

“Oh,” Twilight said in relief. “Thank you Spike!” Twilight made her way to the main entrance. If it was her friends, then she could ask them for help.

Twilight took a deep breath, then opened the door.

Rainbow was there in a few bandages with Pinkie smiling brightly next to her.

“Hiya Twilight!” Pinkie greeted. “Rainbow said she wanted to see you, so I told her you were hiding under the table in the castle!” She grinned easily over the withering corpse of Twilight’s smile.

“Hello, Rainbow,” she muttered.

Rainbow didn’t say anything, which made it all the more frightening. Twilight had expected Rainbow to snap at her.

“Uhm… you both better come inside.”

“Okie dokie lokie!”

—————————

Applejack and Apple Bloom were outside Carousel Boutique.

“Ah swear…”

“You didn’t think Rainbow was gonna crash into the barn, right?” Apple Bloom giggled. “Saved us the trouble, we were going to knock it down next week.”

“Ah’m concerned about Rainbow.”

“Pinkie said she was going to handle it” Apple Bloom didn’t look concerned at all, having accepted that Pinkie could solve any problem. “She Pinkie Promised, so Ah think it’ll be alright.”

Applejack was doubtful. Rainbow had been shouting a lot when she’d crashed into the barn.

“Ah think it’s a good idea to get together an intervention of sorts. Twilight’s a good pony, but sometimes she overthinks things. A smart pony like her sometimes makes me think her head’s full of hay.”

Apple Bloom seemed to agree. “So we gonna see Twilight’s family? Ah wonder how they’re going to be different to ours?”

Applejack grinned. “Oh, hopefully not like the Oranges. I couldn’t stand all that prim and proper stuff.”

Apple Bloom glanced at the boutique. “Then why’re we outside Rarity’s house?”

“Well Apple Bloom—” Applejack paused “—actually, watch this.”

Applejack pounded on the door to the boutique.

“Hey Rares!”

Rarity opened the door, looking concerned. “What is it Applejack? All that banging and yelling, is there an emergency?”

Applejack grinned. “Better than that. Rarity, you would not believe what’s going to happen.”

—————————

“Ooooooooooooh!” Rarity’s squeal was as undignified as it was high-pitched. She clapped her hooves together and grinned ear to ear.

“See, Apple Bloom? Ah told ya. She does sound like her.”

Apple Bloom giggled.

Rarity broke from her excited reverie with a shake of her head. “Told her what?”

“Nothin’ Rarity, we just need some advice to do with Twilight’s family.”

“Her family, you say…” Rarity was definitely intrigued. “I believe we might have met her parents briefly at the coronation, but not enough for an impression.” She grinned. “We simply must meet them!” With a rush, Rarity swept into the back of her shop. Faint sounds of ‘no this isn’t good’, ‘the coordination might work’, ‘oh, the frills!’, and other fashion-related statements that made Applejack’s skin crawl, filtered back to the dining room. Despite that she smiled.

“See, what’d Ah say?”

Apple Bloom nodded. “Ah can’t believe Rarity squealed like Piggington.”

Applejack chuckled.

Apple Bloom looked over her shoulder. “Do you think Rarity is going to try an’ help?”

Rarity swept back into the room, equipped with a stunning white summer dress with lacy frills and a levitating parasol.

“What are we waiting for? We must go tell Fluttershy and bring her along!”

Applejack smiled. “Ah can always trust Rarity to share juicy gossip and stick her nose into other ponies’ business.”

——————————

Rainbow sat down at the table as Twilight busied herself in the kitchen. It was taking a while, and with each second that passed, Rainbow fumed a little more.

“What’s taking her so long?” Rainbow muttered.

“Maybe she’s whipping up something special for us to eat!” Pinkie’s eyes widened and her mouth watered at the prospect of delicious snacks. “Maybe it’ll be cupcakes! Oh wait!” As if reminded, Pinkie lifted her tail and curled it around, then rummaged around in it and fetched out a cupcake. “I have one right here.” Licking her lips, Pinkie bit into the cupcake and chewed loudly. “Mmmm yum!”

Rainbow didn’t know how Pinkie kept the cupcakes, but sensing that thinking about it was a dangerous topic, instead focused on whether the cupcakes would have hair from her tail in them. She wouldn’t want to eat a cupcake with pink hair all over it…

Wait, she was off track.

“What’s taking her so long?” Rainbow was annoyed, but not angry. She had clamped down on most of her anger at Twilight for erecting the shield without telling her, mainly because she was partially at fault by flying into it so hard. Luckily, Rainbow had sped up instead of slowing down so that she could use a shockwave generating manoeuvre to demolish Applejack’s barn. She hadn’t been hurt except for a couple of bruises and sore joints. Nothing out of the usual for an unpredictable practice session. Still, she had expected some sort of apology and mostly an explanation, and Twilight still hadn’t come back.

“What’s—”

A clatter from the kitchen interrupted Rainbow.

“Oooh! Let’s go check it out,” Pinkie said brightly, leaping from the chair.

In the kitchen, Twilight was half-hanging out of the window, having tried to escape a moment before. Her rear-end dangled precariously in mid-air as she writhed in the aperture.

“… What are you doing, Twilight?”

Twilight struggled a little, but only succeeded in entrenching herself further into the window. She was stuck.

“…Are you trying to run away?”

The figure sagged.

Rainbow shook her head in mute surprise. “Can’t you, like, teleport?”

Twilight stiffened. There was an awkward pause. Then with a flash, Twilight reappeared in the kitchen, looking like that one time she accidentally spilled coffee on an essay she’d spent all night writing.

———————————

Rainbow was not impressed, but ran a hoof through her hair and nodded.

“Gees Twi’, I came here all annoyed and ready to spit you out, but…”

Rainbow left unsaid that Twilight looked worse than when she was organising the Grand Equestria Pony Summit by herself. She looked like the Wonderbolts had run her through the ringer. Several times.

“Twilight, you look horrible!” Pinkie’s lack of tact was astounding in itself. But Rainbow had to admit that when the truth was laid out like that that topic was easier to approach.

“I know!” Twilight moaned and sunk her head to the table, her mane falling into a disarray around her. Twilight’s breath made little misting circles on the crystal as she sighed like her soul was leaving her body. “It’s all been a mess. My family is…” she winced “A little strange. I didn’t want you to meet them, I tried to talk to Applejack, then found this spell, and saw you and then you hurt yourself and then I hid under the table, when that didn’t work and you showed up I—”

“Woah, woah, Twilight, slow down!” It wasn’t like Rainbow couldn’t sympathise, family gathering of all kinds were hectic and rowdy in her house, but it was all worth it when the time came around.

“Aww, Twilight, it won’t be so bad!” Pinkie exclaimed with a passionate grin. “We’ll just throw a party!”

Twilight grinned weakly. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. A quick lunch, a tour of Ponyville and then… dinner.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Rainbow replied. “It’s just dinner.”

“You don’t get it,” Twilight said, gritting her teeth. “It can get a little intense.”

Rainbow and Pinkie shared a look of confusion, but Twilight simply pulled out a letter and wordlessly handed it over to them both.

Rainbow read the contents. Then reread the contents.

“This… this is something,” was all she could say.

“Half a year!” Pinkie shouted. “That’s no good you should see them more often!”

Rainbow was confused. “You know that Canterlot’s like one stop away, right?”

Twilight gripped her head in her hooves. “I know,” she moaned. “I feel so guilty! I’m pretty sure I also visited Canterlot a couple of times without visiting them either!”

Wow, Rainbow thought. That’s pretty bad…

————————

A bright flash lit the room.

“Wowee that spell’s still got some kick in it!”

The mare’s voice faded as the sudden arrival announced herself in a spectacular fashion. In the centre of a smoking circle was a pony that was swathed in a black cloak, had donned a pointy hat and clutched a staff in her right hoof. She leaned on it almost casually as she stuck a strange pose while grinning at the shocked faces that greeted her.

Twilight gaped. “Grandma?”

“Grandma?!” Rainbow spluttered. The mare looked barely older than Twilight. “Her?!”

The mare flicked back her purple and pink mane. “Call me Satin, Twilight dear. Calling me grandma makes me feel old, you know?” The frivolous mare swept up Twilight in a crushing hug as she ruffled her hair. “You are such a little cutie pie.” Then she gasped, rubbing Twilight’s feathers. “Oh look at those wings, are those new? You are definitely going places, let me tell you. I think you’ll do well if you want to come with me.”

“B-But you’re not supposed to arrive until noon!”

“Oh you know how I am with schedules and the like.” Satin cackled, her hooves coming down with a clatter as she swept the room with a mischievous gaze. “Ooh, are these your friends?”

Pinkie raised her hoof. “Oh, pick me!”

Satin grinned. “I like this one. Energetic! Go ahead.”

“I’m Pinkie Pie the Premier Party Pony Planner in all of Ponyville!” Pinkie leapt up and threw confetti, a couple of party cannons going off as she ended her introduction.

“Oh this one is a natural. She should come along too!”

“Come along where?” Pinkie asked.

“Don’t worry about that,” Twilight said hastily. “It’s not important.” Twilight started herding Rainbow and Pinkie towards the door. “I’m sure my friends are busy and have lots to do so they should be going now.”

Rainbow was drawing a blank. “What?”

Satin leaned on her staff again and stuck out her tongue. “No Twilight, they should stay.”

Twilight made to say something, but Satin cut in.

“Listen to your elders and all that.” She touched her staff and the doors closed with a ponderous click, sealing the three to their fate. She turned to Rainbow and smiled.

“I’m sure you both have a lot of questions.”

————————

“Oh? That’s your first question? Who am I?” Satin sipped at the tea and replaced the cup on the saucer with a delicate gesture. She waved a dismissive hoof. “It’s a boring question with many boring answers. I guess the best one to come up with is that I’m Twilight’s adoring Grandma.” She reached over and ruffled Twilight’s mane as the alicorn sat with her head sunk onto the table. Satin grinned at her. “Cheer up, little Twilight, I am a bit early, but you need to relax. My crazy daughter isn’t here yet.”

“Twilight’s mom?” Rainbow asked curiously.

“Oh she’s a handful, alright. Always fretting about this and that. Never could relax. I really wanted her to take over my mantle but I guess adorable Twilight will now be doing so!”

“I-I didn’t agree to that!” Twilight retorted, but Satin didn’t seem to hear.

“Ah, it’s nice having such a capable family. I would love to meet your brother again. Last I hear he was romping off in the military while you were off in your magical studies. I’m so proud of you!”

Twilight mumbled a ‘thank you’ into the table, while Pinkie and Rainbow listened in with mild curiosity.

Rainbow asked the question that hung in the air like loose laundry.

“What do you do, exactly?”

Twilight, who had been giving her frantic eye signals, flopped back onto the table.

Satin’s grin could outdo a shark’s. With the way she leaned on the table, the light from the window struck at just the right angle to cause her coat to come alive with a golden splash of colour. She waggled her eyebrows. “Well, all sorts of things. Ever heard of jelly ponies?”

“Huh?”

“Ponies made of jelly. Crazy experiment by an insane wizard. He went by the name of Stark White. Lived in the land of perpetual snow and ice.”

“Up in the north?” Rainbow was intrigued.

“No.” Satin laughed. “South, very far south.”

“What about the jelly ponies?” Pinkie looked a little hungry.

Satin grinned, having captured their attention.

“Well,” she said, “it goes like this…”

————————

Rainbow didn’t know what to say. Satin was a heck of a mare, if her adventures were anything to judge by. She was kind of like Daring Do, but with a lot more magic. Luckily, she was saved from making a reply as Spike half-vaulted, half-skidded down the stairs yelling out Twilight’s name.

“We’ve got a problem!” He waved a scroll bearing a familiar royal seal.

Twilight lifted her head from the table, she could feel a couple more mane strands pop out.

“What now?!”

Spike, seeing the new pony at the table, slowed down, but handed Twilight the scroll in the meantime.

“Hello, Spike.” The mare smiled warmly. “I believe you’re too young to remember me. I’m Satin, pleased to meet you.”

“Uh, hi?”

Pinkie decided to be helpful. “Satin is Twilight’s Grandma!”

Satin grinned.

Author's Notes:

The neighbour-exclusion effect is the general principle of excluding intercalation of bis-intercalators between adjacent DNA base-pairs. It's also a good title. Because metaphors.

Next Chapter: Satin v. Princess v. Gems v. Daughter v. Grand-Daughter v. Grand-Daughter's Friends v. Everything

As always, my eternally epistemologically empathic readers, thanks for reading!

P.S. I'm way too busy, recently. Sorry for updating delays. Also, the google docs importer seems broken so I've used a workaround, but not sure if it works properly. Let me know if you spot errors (of any kind).
P.P.S. The formatting is a little wibbly wobbly due to google docs importer being broken, so I guess I'll hang tight until it's fixed. Hopefully the slight changes in the lack of indentation hasn't turned anybody off.
P.P.P.S. Formatting is still broken! I added descriptions for Satin.
P.P.P.P.S. Thanks to TheGreatEater for fixing my stupid mistakes :)

Next Chapter: 5 - The Family’s Familiar Familial Familia Familiar Estimated time remaining: 30 Minutes
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