"Take me to snurch (Snail Church)" - literal cock worship in the form of a religious service for hyperSnails

“For you,” Snips said sagely. “The body. And the seed.”

Caramel took the first proffered item eagerly. “Oh, thank you,” he said. He hefted the mini buttplug - a perfect, shrunken replica of the Most High Horsecock - in one hoof. Once he’d taken a moment to shove it in, he accepted the cup containing the Seed of the Covenant in the other hoof. He slurped it, loudly, and sighed afterward.

“Bless you,” Snips said, as Caramel walked away, the buttplug sticking out between his flanks like a second tail.

The Apple family had gathered together in the front pew. Each was dressed up in their Cockday best. Granny Smith even had on her most phallic hat, which held two ripe apples topped with a zucchini. She dabbed a hoofkerchief on her eyes as the organ played a classical rendition of The Cum Lay On the Ground.

Apple Bloom shifted in her seat. “I don’t see why we have to be here,” she muttered. She flipped through a few pages of the Holy Balls-ble. “Seems dumb to me.”

“Not another word, missy,” Applejack hissed. “Ain’t no relative of mine gonna question it when we come to church.”

“But it’s just a big dick, isn’t it?”

Applejack gasped. “Apple Bloom! That’s blasphemy!”

Apple Bloom harrumphed and crossed her arms. “S’not like it’s a big ol’ pussy or anything. Now that I could - “

Applejack clapped a hoof over her sister’s mouth before she could get out another word. “Foals, right?” she said, grinning at Rarity and Sweetie Belle in the pew beside them. “Don’t know a word that’s comin’ out of their mouths.”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac echoed. The pair of them quickly turned back to the centerpiece of the service, Apple Bloom still squirming under AJ’s grasp.

It was a true centerpiece, too, more than just some dusty old relic, or a mere facade of some greater, spiritual power. The Great Snailcock was a living, breathing, throbbing testament to the power and virility of their religion. It towered above the rest of the church, its flared head coming to rest in the rafters overhead.

From base to tip, it must have been thirty feet tall, with a circumference so wide it would’ve taken six ponies to wrap their hooves all the way around it. Every so often, it’d throb and leak out another gallon-sized drop of precum, which would dribble down the side to be collected in the cum basin of the High Priest Snips. It was from there that the Seed of the Covenant was collected and given, for the salvation and arousal of all ponykind.

Below the Great Snailcock, two bulging nuts rested on the carpeted altar floor. Each one was taller than a pony, and their musk filled the whole room like incense. Applejack took in a deep whiff and sighed happily. That was the beauty of it. Anypony could just open their mouths and breathe in the scent of virility that their Lord gave unto them.

Each one of the balls bulged and swelled, their oceans of unspent cum sloshing audibly about inside. The stories told of a time in the ancient past when just a single nut had given off its entire story of seed, spewing unfathomable amounts of cum into the heavens to rain down on Equestria. The cum-flood had lasted for sixty-nine days and nights, and by the end of it there hadn’t been a mare on the continent who wasn’t pregnant. That was the true meaning of the Covenant - a promise of manageable, peaceful dripping for everypony to share.

At least until the End Times, when the two-testicle Orgasm would lay waste to their land and seas. The Apples in particular were members of a more apocalyptic cult. There was room for all to worship before the Snailcock.

And what worshippers it had. The organ shifted to a more triumphant rendition of “Great Is Thy Medial Ring” as a half-dozen ponies shuffled aside from the Cum-munion to quietly pray before and stroke the balls of the Snailcock. They worshipped it with their bodies, with their tongues, and with their buttplugged rears sticking up in the air (as was the traditional pose of prayer). Then, one by one, they pulled away from the ministrations, bowed to the Cock, and returned to their pews.

Somewhere, certain ponies whispered, behind those balls and magnificent cock, a pony waited to be discovered. He was their Messiah, new-age ponies claimed, a stallion sent to hold the arousal of the world so that they might live instead of simply fucking.

(Though there was quite a bit of fucking involved in the religion. It just didn’t happen all the time, and for that, the new-agers were thankful)

One day, they whispered, he would emerge from behind his almighty package, and fuck the world with his cock, letting all the lust of the world swallow Equestria up. And on that day, the world would know his name, and tremble in unquenchable thirst.

Somewhere behind and beneath his enormous package, a very happy Snails rolled over in his sleep.