Weekly Disaster

by Reykan

Chapter 1: Welcome to Equis, Second Rock from the Sun

It was a perfectly average day in every sense of the word. The sky was a lovely shade of blue, the freshly trimmed grass a vibrant green. The birds were fairly quite, but it let everyone enjoy the sounds of the town more thoroughly. Not only that, there was something in the air that was just... ah, that was it, burning wood. Yes, several buildings in the town were on fire. Of course, every time Max spent an extended period of time in Ponyville things like this tended to happen, so it really didn't bother him.

Max was enjoying the day as a generic two-tone brown Earth stallion with a hammer marking his flanks, sitting at The Malt Shop's outdoor tables, sipping a chocolate mint milkshake as he watched the chaos absentmindedly. Beside him, reclining in a lawn chair while wearing sunglasses and holding a sun mirror, was Discord. Every now and then Discord would take a sip of his milkshake that changed color every second and yes, actually shook. Max's left eyebrow raised a bit as he noticed Town Hall had caught fire somehow. Honestly, how it happened was anyone's guess, since there was nothing flammable or burning near it, as far as he could tell. He was brought out of his musings as purple/smart stomped up to him.

Twilight was tearing by, nearly as panicked as the rest of the towns inhabitants, when she noticed the two beings idly sitting in the veritable eye of the storm of chaos the town was currently consumed by. She eyed the two suspiciously; she already had a hunch as to the identity of the random Earth stallion. There were only two beings on the planet at ease in the presence of the embodiment of chaos: Fluttershy, and for some odd reason, Max. The way he was sitting there, sipping his shake as the town was burning down around him set Max as suspect number two on her list of instigators, preceded only by the Draconequus reclining next to him.


Lazily, the target of her ire turned to her and, in a flash of green, was replaced by the changeling in question. Max slowly waved a hole-riddled hoof in greeting, while a nearby mare was startled out of her panicked screaming by the exchange. Upon seeing the bug-pony now occupying the space near Discord, her screaming was renewed, only this time about aliens coming to steal their stallions. Max only chuckled at her, before yelling "I'm a male, what use do I have for stallions? I WANT YOUR MARES!" This of course was the wrong thing to say, as most of the nearby mares took off screaming, some actually running towards the fires, seeming to find the flames a preferable alternative to abduction. There were a few that didn't look too upset at the notion though... was that drool on Cloudchaser?

The purple pony princess, however, found his improperly timed prank in poor taste. Faint flickers of flame were just barely showing in her mane and tail. Yea, best not to tease her too much at this point, Max thought to himself.

"What the BUCK did you two do?"

This time Max's raised eyebrow was accompanied by Discord's flipping up of the lenses of his sunglasses. They both knew Twilight didn't usually resort to that kind of language until she was starting to go "Lesson Zero," as her assistant called it, though several strands of her mane were doing that weird curl-thing that happened when she was panicking. Looking at Max for a moment, Discord flipped the lenses back into place before laying back down and readjusting his sun mirror.

"Really? You're gonna leave this to me?" Max asked tiredly.

Discord didn't even budge from his spot. "It's not like she'll believe a word I say. No reason to waste my breath. Twilight, be a dear and take a step to the right. No, my right, your left. Thanks, you were blocking the chaos."

Max sighed, knowing he'd been got. He'd been got good, too. Turning back into the ready-to-combust-icorn, he asked a question of his own.

"Twilight, when was the last disaster that hit Ponyville?"

Frowning, she answered almost instantly "When the Ponyville Express ran into that shipment of pastries?"

Discord tsk'd from his chair. "Honestly, that wasn't your best pop-culture reference."

"It was perfect! Literally handed to me on a silver platter." Max defended. "I had to do it!" Looking back to Twilight, he continued. "Anyway, when was the cleanup finished?"

Twilight frowned, the panic that had consumed her giving way to curiosity, several hairs falling back into her mane. "It was... about a week ago I think. Why?"

Pulling a small notebook out of his saddlebag, Max opened it to the desired page. "The mess was officially cleaned up by 9:24 in the morning last Tuesday. At 9:25 today, Ditzy Doo dropped a shipment of rubber ducks."

Twilight looked at him with an exasperated expression "You can't possibly expect me to believe that all of" She waved her hooves at the burning town "THIS, is the result of a dropped box of..." She stopped speaking as he floated his notebook over to her, a small timeline in the middle of the page

9:25 Ditzy drops a box of rubber ducks.
9:25:06 Box of rubber ducks hits the ground, sending rubber ducks flying all over the street.
9:25:10 The dogs Fluttershy was walking see the ducks, and take off in all directions, barking and squeaking the ducks too loudly to hear her pleas for order.
9:34 CMC's arrive with a whistle Sweetie managed to enchant to get the attention of animals in the vicinity. Scootaloo, being the obvious choice after all the time she spends screaming cheering at Dash, proceeds to blow the whistle as hard as she can.
9:35 Every single animal in the vicinity of the town rushes to the area, compelled by the enchantment on the whistle.
9:50 After all the animals arrive, the spell ends, and the animals proceed to notice one another. Cats chase mice, dogs chase cats, chickens chase anyone wearing green or with green fur/manes, and Peewee decides that Golden Harvest's thatched roof would be a good place to take a nap.

"Uh, after that I kinda stopped paying attention. Things were spiraling out of control too fast at that point." Max said when Twilight finally looked up from the list, eyes glazing over.

"I didn't believe him, you know." Discord said solemnly, lifting the sunglasses to his forehead. "I was going to do something yesterday, but he asked me to hold off for a day. Said it would be worth it. While I won't say he didn't deliver, this kind of chaos just feels... I don't know, empty? It's just not as fun when it just... happens. Sorry, Max. I don't think its worth it sticking around here to spread chaos when it happens on its own like this. Maybe I'll go visit Manehatten next week. I don't think they have this issue there."

Max waved him off. "It's okay, dude, just stop by every now and then. Shy likes it when you visit."

With a snap of his talon, Discord left, his lawn chair morphing back into a proper chair. Max motioned Twilight to it, and upon receiving no acknowledgement, got up and physically guided her to the seat. Reaching into his bags, he pulled out a small bottle of whiskey from his first-aid kit, and set it in front of Twilight. With no hesitation, she drained the bottle, slammed it back on the table hard enough to crack it, and finally spoke.

"Fuck it. I'm headed back to the castle. I'll come back when ponies stop running around screaming."

Did she just..."See you on Saturday?"

"Same time. We're discussing differences in constellations this time."

"See ya then, Sparky" With a final wave in her direction, Max picks up his notebook as he went back to watching the town burn to the ground. Again.

'Note to self, ask Pinkie to give Twi a hug... and maybe send some of Mac's double-hard cider.'

Dear Prin Celestia,

Today I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some matters are simply not possible to deal with sober. Please do not misunderstand, I love our subjects with all of my heart, but sometimes the only way to deal with it is smile, nod, tell other ponies to take care of it, head back home, and have a stiff drink. I didn't think I'd make use my good friend Applejack's hard cider this soon, but stars above does it sound good about now.

Your fellow Princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Celestia read the letter, a grin replacing her usual serene smile, a small glass of wine in her telekinetic grasp.

"Tia? What-AAARRRGH" Luna's question was cut off as her sister grabber her with her magic, yanking her into a wing-mangling hug.

"She did it, Luna! It only took six years in that chaos nexus, but she finally learned one of the most important lessons about being a leader!" Celestia was almost crying tears of joy.

Finally freeing herself of her sister's attempted sororicide and taking a glance at the letter, Luna responded. "Ah, we remember that one. Took us quite some time to figure it out, as well." smiled wistfully "Faust is it easier when you don't try to fix everything yourself. After all, a good leader must learn to delegate, should they not, sister?"

"Yes, they certainly should." Celestia replied.

"We are happy you agree, Tia" the darker Alicorn replied mischievously "as we have delegated the consumption of your cake stash to the students of Canterlot University."

Author's Notes:

So, this came to me at work today, as I was standing by the registers. Wrote a bit of it out there, but mostly just wrote out the outline for it. And if you don't get the previous week's disaster I can't help you. It couldn't be more obvious if Samuel L. Jackson came right up to your door and... right, nevermind.

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