Chapter 11: A Voice in the Back of My Head

The week had not been kind to Twilight Sparkle. Rather, during the course of that week, Twilight Sparkle had not been kind to herself. What had begun as a wild fantasy concerning Rarity had become a reality and then a horrible nightmare of self-doubt and inadequacy. Twilight’s nervous anticipation of Rarity’s overnights had turned into dread, and she was performing less and less affluently in the bedroom. Rarity had taken it all in stride, but deep down knew something was wrong with Twilight. She was unable to elicit any kind of response from Twilight when she asked her what was wrong, so she had decided to drop the subject. This left Twilight alone to suffer with problems that were becoming more and more serious.

As the week progressed, Twilight started to find excuses to see Rarity less and less, claiming homework from Princess Celestia or some research concerning Spike’s trip away from home. Rarity had politely taken the hint, but was confused about what was bothering Twilight so much. Then she started wondering if perhaps she was doing something wrong. Rarity shook that thought aside, reasoning that it was Twilight’s problem if she was having difficulty hanging out with her, as Rarity was perfectly fine spending time with Twilight.

Twilight had successfully avoided Rarity for three days, but Friday had come around, and so the inevitable visit to the park for the pet play date made it impossible to avoid Rarity today. Twilight realized that if she was going to get any help and return to the passionate ecstasy she had just begun to know, she would have to tell Rarity everything. Bracing herself for a long, involved conversation, she headed towards the park with Owloysius in tow.

***

Applejack and Rainbow Dash had been busy for the week, but the few times they had spent together had been nothing short of magical. They’d found all sorts of places to make secret rendezvous, from the Everfree Forest to the outskirts of Ponyville. But they tired of hiding their secret from everypony, and so on Thursday night they elected to discuss what they would do about it.

“RD, ah’m just sick o’ runnin’ around in secrecy, like what we’re doin’ is shameful,” Applejack said during a discussion not far from Zecora’s hut.

I know what you mean,” Rainbow Dash said. “I hate running around in privacy like this. I’d love to just tell everypony what we’re doing.”

“You know mah family wouldn’t appreciate that,” Applejack said.

“Duh, that’s why I’ve kept it a secret for so long,” Rainbow Dash replied.

“All right, let’s just get to the point. Who’re we gonna tell? Who can we trust?”

“The other four,” Rainbow Dash said. “You know, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Rarity. I think they’d keep our secret for us.”

“Well, ah know Pinkie Pie will, but you know how Twilight is with secret-keepin’. Besides, who knows what Rarity would do with a bit o’ gossip?”

“Rarity’s above all that stuff,” Rainbow Dash said. “Besides, if we can’t trust our closest friends, who can we trust?”

“Nopony, ah suppose.”

“So we’ve just got to grit our teeth and do it, then!”

“All right, RD, if ya say so. But ah’m blamin’ any backlash we git on you, ya hear?”

“Whatever, AJ,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Ah hope so,” Applejack said. “Ah really hope so.”

***

Twilight and Rarity were the first to arrive at the park, which was good, because Twilight didn’t want to explain to her other friends what was going on between them. At the same time, however, it would mean Twilight had no choice but to speak to her. The inevitability of the conversation, rather than make her nervous, drove Twilight with determination. There was no turning back now. Twilight was about to spill everything.

Rarity trotted to Twilight, looking confused at the seriousness of Twilight’s expression. She wanted desperately to ask what was wrong, but a radiant energy ensuing from Twilight somehow told her to be quiet and listen instead. Rarity subconsciously obeyed the command, and merely prompted Twilight by saying, “It seems you have something to say to me. It’s time to say it.”

“Thank you,” Twilight said. “First, let me start by saying that I apologize for avoiding you the past couple of days, and I’m also sorry for lying to you about my work. I was busy fretting about this conversation, not doing extra assignments for Princess Celestia. Do you accept my apology?”

“Of course, dear,” Rarity said, “although that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to be rejected. I suppose you’re about to explain why, however.”

“Yes, I am,” Twilight said. “The reason I was rejecting you was because I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for you. I got it into my head that I am a worthless pony and it made me sad to think that I was dragging you down. I was afraid to tell you this because I knew you’d try to talk me out of it, even though there is no way for me to change my mind. So instead of trying to explain my convoluted feelings, I took the easier route of avoiding you. For not telling you the truth I am sorry. For not being good enough for you I am sorry, too.”

“Twilight, you were right in thinking that I would try to talk you out of your thoughts, because what you’re saying is absolutely ridiculous! You are by far the most talented pony I know, especially and most surprisingly in the bedroom. Any sensible mare would dream to be you, and any sensible stallion would want to be with you! There are even mares who want you, Twilight, and I am one of them. Stop shortchanging yourself and listen to reason! You have accomplished so much since I first met you, and from your background I’d assume you’d accomplished even more before you moved to Ponyville. Celestia, I can’t believe you, Twilight! Is there any way you can explain why you’re feeling so worthless?”

“It’s a voice in the back of my head, Rarity. It tells me these things constantly, points out all my mistakes to me, laughs every time I fall. It watches everything and awakes especially when I close my eyes. I don’t know where it comes from or why it does these things, but it constantly drives me to try to do better when I’m not doing well enough.”

“Twilight, dear, that sounds more like it’s putting you down and turning you into an obsessive perfectionist, which makes sense. But are you sure you don’t know where it comes from? I’ve dabbled in a little psychotherapeutic research and―”

“Wait, really?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve researched psychology?”

“Well…I had to travel to Manehattan to find books about it, as you had none in the Ponyville library. But my point is, I’ve read on this kind of stuff and it sounds like you’re depressed!”

“Depressed? But that’s impossible! I don’t feel sad all the time.”

“Depression is a disorder as various as the ponies it inhabits. Why, some ponies, male especially, respond to their episodes through violent outbursts. Some are despondent, which is what most ponies think of when they think of depression. You, Twilight, seem to turn it into a drive to achieve, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you take it to obsessive extremes. Remember when you feared that you would be tardy for Celestia’s assignment?”

“I’d rather forget about that,” Twilight said.

“You started to slip into madness, my dear, and it was quite horrifying. That’s actually what spurred me to research psychology in the first place. I wanted to understand what was making you so upset, and I think it was the impending failure that you feared the most. Of course, this fear was not grounded in reality, but to you it was very real and very frightening. I wonder...could this voice in your head be that of a disapproving Princess Celestia?”

“No,” Twilight said. “The voice sounds more…male.”

“Well, how long have you been hearing this voice?” Rarity asked. Twilight was impressed by Rarity’s surprisingly deep intellect and insightful questioning. It was as if she had done more than merely dabbled in psychotherapeutic theory.

“As long as I can remember,” Twilight answered.

“Then my best conjecture is that the voice belonged to a male member of your family. Let’s see, you have a brother, Shining Armor, and you have―”

“My father.” Twilight froze as horrible realization hit her, then she started to bawl.

“It’s all right, dear,” Rarity said. “Let it go. It’s okay now.”

“R-rarity,” Twilight sputtered through her heavy sobbing, “it’s all coming b-back now.”

“What is? Tell me. Let it out and let it go.”

“All of…all of his m-mean comments. ‘Don’t be such an idiot, Twilight Sparkle!’ ‘Have some common sense, Twilight Sparkle!’ ‘You’ve brought shame to your family!’”

“He said all those things? That seems unbelievably harsh,” Rarity said. Twilight sniffled.

“He only said those things when he was mad at me for forgetting something. But it didn’t matter how small the problem was. He’d just l-lash out at me for no reason, and my mom let him!” Twilight started bawling even harder now. “How dare she let him?”

“Twilight, please, lower your voice a little. We are still in a public park.” Twilight cast a sound barrier around them that blocked their conversation from the other ponies in the park.

“I suppose, dear, that your father left you with a difficult decision. Either you hate him for being so cruel to you, or love him and accept that you really were an idiot and a shameful pony. It seems to me you chose the latter.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Bear with me, Twilight, it’s a little complicated. Young ponies rely on the basic fact that their parents love them and want to take care of them when they are too small to take care of themselves. When a parent fails to meet such expectations, the young pony will twist that failure around, usually internalizing it and identifying too strongly with their own shortcomings. This is done to protect the parents’ status as loving and protective, but it does damage to a young pony’s self-esteem. Do you see? In order to protect your view of your father, you accepted every bad thing he ever said about you, and now you’re left in shambles over it.” Twilight sobbed again, and felt snot beginning to run out of her nose. She desperately wanted a tissue, but none were to be found.

“H-how do you know all this?” Twilight asked. Rarity became a bit dodgy.

“It’s…I guess I was really interested in this stuff,” she said lamely.

“Okay, well, it makes sense to me.”

“Oh, good. I’m afraid it didn’t make sense to me at all, so I’m glad you understand it.”

“Thanks, Rarity,” Twilight said with a smile. “I feel better.”

“You’re welcome, love,” Rarity said. Twilight lowered the sound barrier and hugged her friend. At that moment, Applejack and Rainbow Dash came down the hill to join them.

“Howdy, Rarity, Twilight―Twilight? Have ya been cryin’?” Twilight chuckled and nodded.

“She’s been through a lot of emotions just now,” Rarity said. “I think it fair for her to decide when she’s ready to tell you what’s going on.”

“Since when did you become her spokespony?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“It’s fine, Rarity,” Twilight said. “Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity thinks I’m depressed and I have to say I think she’s right.”

“Depressed about what, hon’?” Applejack asked.

“About myself and my own self-esteem, I suppose,” Twilight said.

“That’s terrible, Twilight. I hope ya get better soon.”

“Thanks, Applejack,” Twilight said.

“Yer bein’ awful quiet about this, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack told her friend. “Aren’t ya gonna wish yer friend well?”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Rainbow Dash said coldly.

“Rainbow Dash, really, now,” Rarity started, but Twilight interrupted.

“It’s fine, Rarity. I think I understand.”

“Understand what, dear?” Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash’s haughty expression and thought she saw some pain lurking beneath the façade.

“Nothing, really,” Twilight said, “but it’s okay. It’s good to let these things out and share them with your closest friends.”

“That reminds me,” Applejack said. “RD and ah have a big announcement, but we’ll wait fer the others to get here, first.” The wait wasn’t long. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie arrived and went down the hill to greet the other ponies.

“So, Applejack,” Twilight said. “What’s your big announcement?”

“Ooh!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “You have an announcement! Oh, I’m so excited, I’m so excited! I want to hear it!”

“Be quiet, Pinkie Pie, and we’ll tell you,” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk.

“Oh, right!” Pinkie Pie said. She pulled a zipper shut across her mouth. Fluttershy stared at her, wondering where in the world the zipper had come from.

“So,” Applejack started, clearing her throat. “First things first, RD and ah have done some thinkin’ ever since that sleepover. While we did have fun…”

“Too much fun,” Rainbow Dash piped up.

“Whatever. While we had fun, it got us thinkin’ about who we are as ponies. Ah have finally come to uneven terms with mah own sexual leanin’s, and I just wanted y’all to know that I’m a filly fooler.” The other four ponies oohed and aahed over Applejack’s revelation.

“What do you gals think?” she asked.

“It’s wonderful,” Rarity said. “Who knew my kiss would lead to you realizing you were gay? It’s positively saucy.”

“Erm…okay,” Applejack said, not sure whether that should’ve been taken as a compliment.”

“And for the record, I’m bi,” Rainbow Dash said bluntly. “Guess I fly both ways.”

“Cool,” Twilight said. “So you like stallions and mares?”

“Pretty much,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Which leads to the real announcement. It turns out that RD and ah…”

“…are dating,” Rainbow Dash finished. Silence engulfed the six ponies as the shock of the news settled, but once they had processed this revelation they were very happy.

“Good for you guys!” Pinkie Pie said.

“Way to go,” whispered Fluttershy.

“I always thought you two looked cute together,” added Rarity.

“So, how long have you been going out?” Twilight asked.

“Our first date was Wednesday a week ago, so it’s been about nine days,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Congratulations, you guys!” Pinkie Pie said. The others echoed her sentiment.

“Thank ya kindly, girls,” Applejack said. “It means a lot to know you’re okay with all this.”

***

Things between Spike and Ruby were either going fairly well or frustratingly bad, depending on whom you asked. If you asked Spike, he’d tell you that he and Ruby were becoming close friends. They talked, they laughed, and they poked fun at all of the dragons behind their backs. The two had a lot in common, and it was a relief for Spike to know that he had at least one good friend. Still, he was pretty sure she wanted more from him, which was occasionally awkward, but that did not detract from their relationship as it stood now.

Ruby would tell you, however, that things were not going well at all. She had developed quite the crush on Spike, she hated to admit, and his inability to reciprocate her feelings was becoming more and more frustrating as the days progressed. It made her very sad to think that he didn’t like her the same way she liked him, and it made it difficult to hang out with him, although she did enjoy his company a lot.

A conversation about these conflicting viewpoints was inevitable, and came to fruition on the same Friday where Applejack and Rainbow Dash had come out to their friends.

“What are we doing, Spike?” Ruby suddenly asked, throwing Spike off guard.

“W-what?” Spike asked, stunned at the outburst.

“I mean what are we?” Ruby stressed.

“I don’t follow,” Spike said. Ruby groaned.

“I want to know, right now, if you don’t like me, because I sure as hell like you.”

“Of course I like you, Ruby! You’re like my best friend.”

“Not like that, Spike. Like like like.”

“Like like…huh?”

“I mean I think it’s pretty obvious by now that I have a crush on you.”

“Oh, that,” Spike said sadly. “Yeah, I guess I’m just not feeling it. Sorry, Ruby.” Ruby huffed.

“I bet it’s that pretty pony Rarity. That’s all you ever talk about. It’s Rarity this and Rarity that. You’d think she was Princess Celestia herself, the way you talk about her.”

“Huh, guess I can get carried away about that,” Spike said.

“You think?” Ruby asked patronizingly. “And how do you think that makes me feel, Spike, having to hear about the love of your life when I feel this way about you? Did you ever stop to consider that?” This was making Spike feel more and more uncomfortable, and he didn’t know how to answer.

“Well, I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore,” Ruby said, and she walked away before Spike could begin to notice the tears coming from her eyes.

***

Twilight was busying herself reorganizing the library when Derpy arrived with her mail.

“Letter for Twilight Sparkle,” she said, handing her the letter with a smile.

“Thanks, Derpy,” Twilight said, and Derpy flew off. She smiled, still thinking about Applejack and Rainbow Dash after the conversation at the park the day before. She noticed the letter was from Princess Celestia, but when she opened it she recognized instantly Spike’s handwriting.

***

Dear Twilight,

I can’t stop thinking about her! Sorry, I know that’s not the right way to start a letter, but that’s how urgent this is. I can’t help but think about Rarity. The other dragons are sick of hearing about her and I’m sick of not seeing her.

On another troubling note, that friend I made, Ruby, has a crush on me and I don’t feel the same way. She doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, so I’m afraid I’ve lost the only friend I’ve made here.

Because of that, I plan on leaving for Ponyville tomorrow. I’ve already made the arrangements with Princess Celestia, so I will see you tomorrow night. Take care!

Love,

Spike

Twilight was worried that Spike was letting his crush on Rarity go too far, but she was genuinely happy that he was returning. She had missed her assistant and closest friend. Just as she was setting the letter aside, she heard a knock at the library door. Twilight opened it and saw the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“Hello, girls,” Twilight said. “Come on in. I’m reorganizing the library right now, so don’t mind the mess.”

“Oh, are you?” Sweetie Belle asked far too innocently. “Can we help?”

“Well…” Twilight said. “I don’t know. You have to look at the whole schematic of my new design, not to mention I have to catalog everything from scratch. You’d probably get bored.”

“Oh, we’d be glad to help!” Scootaloo said. “Just tell us what to do and we’ll do it.”

“Fine,” Twilight said. “I’ve sorted these books on Ponyville history already. If you could put them on that shelf over there in alphabetical order, it’d be a great help.”

“Sure thing!” Applebloom said, and the three ponies dove into the work.

“So,” Applebloom asked, “have ya talked to mah sister recently?” Twilight instantly became suspicious of the crusaders’ reasons for being at the library on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.

“Yes,” Twilight said, deciding to play along. “I did see her just yesterday.”

“Oh, good,” Applebloom said. “How is she?”

“Shouldn’t you know?” Twilight asked. “You’re her sister.”

“Ah know, but she hardly talks to me anymore. It’s sad, really. You’d think sisters would share everything…” Applebloom was afraid she was pouring it on too thick, which Twilight noticed.

“Anyway,” Scootaloo interrupted, “how’s RD? I haven’t seen her in a while.”

“She’s fine,” Twilight said.

“She’s not talking to me anymore, either, at least not very much. I thought we were friends…”

“Oh, cheer up!” Sweetie Belle said. “I mean, we are in Twilight’s library, and Twilight’s seen Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Maybe she’d know what’s going on with them.” Applebloom and Scootaloo shook their heads frantically at Sweetie Belle, but Twilight caught on too quickly for them.

“What are you girls talking about?” Twilight asked. The crusaders decided to be honest.

“Twilight, we heard Applejack and Rainbow Dash talking about us snooping around,” Scootaloo said, “and they said they didn’t want us to find something out.”

“But we really want to know what it is they’re hidin’!” Applebloom said.

“So we were wondering…if we could ask you.” Sweetie Belle said unsurely. Twilight smiled at the girls.

“If Applejack and Rainbow Dash don’t want you girls to know something, then it’s none of your business. You have to respect their privacy.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders said “Oh” sadly.

“But what’s so private that mah sister can’t even tell me?” Applebloom asked.

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe I don’t know?” Twilight asked. It was a lie, of course, as she knew exactly what the crusaders didn’t, but if it would help throw them off the track, then the ends justified the means.

“Ah reckon not…”

“We’re sorry to bother you, Twilight!” Scootaloo said. “We should go now.”

“But I thought you wanted to help me shelve these books,” Twilight said.

“Well, uh…” Scootaloo said.

“Um…” Applebloom added.

“We were just looking for an excuse to talk to you,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Sweetie Belle!” the other crusaders chastised.

“You girls better run. I can handle it from here,” Twilight said. She smiled, amused at the thinly veiled attempt to extract information from her. Twilight continued with her organizing while humming a little tune, content in knowing that her friends’ secret was safe with her.

***

This was it! Spike could see the chariot coming down to pick him up. He gathered his things and started to board it when a familiar red dragon ran up to him.

“Where are you going?” Ruby asked.

“Home,” Spike said.

“Why?”

“Do you really want to know?” Spike asked. “Well, the only reason I was really staying here was because of you, and you said you didn’t want to talk to me, so I’m going to go now.”

“Spike, please! I’m sorry I yelled at you like that. I promise it won’t happen again. Just don’t…don’t go…”

“Is this going to take a while?” one of the chariot horses asked. “We’re on a tight schedule.”

“Just a minute,” Spike said. “Ruby, look, you’re a great friend, but this isn’t my home and I had to leave eventually. I thought you wouldn’t want to say goodbye.”

“Well, you were wrong,” Ruby said, tears starting to shimmer in her eyes. Spike walked over and gave her a hug.

“It’s okay, Ruby,” Spike said. “You’re gonna be fine.”

“Good luck, Spike,” Ruby said. “I hope Rarity is all over you when you get back!”

“Thanks,” Spike said with a chuckle. He boarded the chariot, and quick as a whip, they had taken off. Ruby looked up at the sky, realizing she didn’t want to say goodbye to her friend, and made a rash decision.

I’m going to follow him.

***

“Absolutely not, Luna,” Celestia said.

“But I just can’t do it by myself,” Luna said. “It’s too hard.”

“I’ve told you not to rub so hard,” Celestia said. “But there’s no way I’m demonstrating how to do it using your vagina. We’re sisters, after all.”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Luna said. “It’s just one pony helping another learn more about herself, that’s all.”

“This is ridiculous,” Celestia said. “I have more important things to do.” With that, Celestia walked out of Luna’s bedroom. Luna cursed herself for coming on too strong, but by the moon and the stars, she would get Celestia to touch her. Luna was nothing if not cunning and devious; if she could outsmart her sister, maybe she’d feel that forbidden touch her heart craved.