Sassy Coco and Equestria’s Worst Boss
Chapter 2: Chapter 2: You Thrash, I Thrash, We All Thrash for Trash…capades
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Chapter 2: You Thrash, I Thrash, We All Thrash for Trash…capades
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Coco kept her eyes pointed at the red painted hoofs under the black dyed fur which trotted in front of her. This kept her from making eye contact with the ponies that stared at her and her boss. Thankfully, they mostly stared at Hipsterdouche, but the attention Coco and her boss both got everywhere they went made her uncomfortable.
I keep telling you! Just tell the fuckers if they don’t want to see the insides of their colons, they’ll point their fucking eyeballs somewhere else!
Coco fought the urge to sigh as she continued to follow the walking eyesore that was her boss, dragging her squeaky red wagon behind her. In addition to the bloated bag constructed out of tin foil and duct tape, the wagon was now loaded with beets, a large rubber mallet, and several bags of coffee beans. Coco had a sinking suspicion that she’d be asked to crush both beans and beets with the mallet and make more of the horrible coffee that Hipsterdouche had taking such a liking to.
Just use the mallet to beat that beet loving maniac to death! He’s such a pain in the tits that no court in Equestria would convict you!
Though the noisy wheeled device offered a welcome break from having to carry the bag on her back, she suspected it ultimately would just encourage Hipsterdouche to purchase more items to load it with.
Why’d you get such a shitty wagon anyways!? The noise makes me want to dig out our eardrums with this fucking tool’s lawn scraper he keeps in the fucking bag!
Coco furrowed her brow and looked upwards, making it look like she was irritated with the cloudless sky as she continued to trot down the Manehatten Street. Just shut up, alright?! It was either this or we crawl through town carrying that heavy bag! And I didn’t have much money! This wagon was all I could afford!
So?! Just tell the walking color wheel failure in front of us that one of these alleyways leads to ‘The Cave Experience!’ He’ll run right in then we can club him to death with his own craptacular bag! Until the fucking piece of garbage full of garbage breaks that is. Then we keep his money and throw ALL the useless garbage in a dumpster! No pony has to know!
The wrinkles on Coco’s forehead deepened. Then we’d need to find a new job!
What can be fucking worse than working for this bucket of dirty assholes!?
… Beet Coffee maker?
… Fuck you!
NO! FU… I mean, ‘buck you’!
Ugh… By Princess Cadances magically singing baby hole! You can’t even think swear, you fucking pussy!
What’s your deal with bringing up ponies… PRIVATES all the time?! We—I mean… I’M not even into that sort of stuff!
Fuck off, pussy bitch! There’s a whole world of swears out there and I’m not going to limit myself just ‘cause WE’RE not interested in other ponies’ junk! Besides, you could at least get up the nerve to think ‘vag and dick’ instead of some weak-ass shit like ‘privates’! What are you, fucking five!?
Coco began to full on death glare at the tops of tall buildings and blue sky above. Well excuse me if I just want to keep my mind clean!
Here’s an article title for you, ‘NO PONY FUCKING GIVES A SHIT WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEAD!’ Just think ‘vag’.
No!
Do it, pussy! Think ‘vag’!
I said—THOUGHT ‘NO!’
Stop being such an asshole! Just think ‘vag’!
Coco began to grind her teeth as she continued to shoot her rage-filled glare up at the sky. I’m not going to do it! JUST SHUT UP!
Vag! Vag! Vag! Vag! Vag! Vag! Vag! Vag! Vag! Vag!
STOP IT!
Vag! Vag! Vag! Cunt! Poon-tang! Pussy! Baby Cannon! Dick cocoon!
KNOCK IT OFF!
The pink taco! Piss flaps! The shaved pony in the pink canoe!
STOP SAYING WEIRD NAMES FOR ‘VAG’! HOW DO WE… I… uh… YOU EVEN KNOW ALL THESE?!
HA! I DID IT! I FUCKING DID IT! I MADE YOU THINK ‘VAG’!
BUCK OFF!
Nice try! Now just replace the ‘b’ with an ‘f’ and we’re in fucking business!
“GrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Hipsterdouche stopped and turned around as all the ponies nearby also began to stare at Coco.
Coco’s face flushed a luminescent shade of red. “Sa… sorry…” she uttered.
Nice going, shit for brains!
YOU live in my head!
Yeah, and the inside is fucking shitty, what’s your fucking point?
Hipsterdouche simply gave Coco a smile. “Don’t worry Coco. I know you must be moist with anticipation for the Trashcapades but we’re just a block away!”
Ew!
JUST FUCKING STRANGLE HIM WITH HIS UGLY-ASS SCARF, ALREADY!
“Uh… Yes… Sorry, Hipster.”
And don’t apologize to that pigeon fucker!
“Please Coco, call me ‘Mr. Douche.’”
“Sorry, Mr. Douche,” Coco said as the redness in her cheeks began to subside slightly. “Just got little distracted.”
… Penis penitentiary!
SHUT! UP!
“Hmmm, yes…” Hipsterdouche replied. “Well keep focused.” Hipsterdouche turned and continued walking down the street. “You’ll need all your senses ready for the majesty that awaits us!”
Are we going to meet the fucking garbage princess?!
Not now!
“Yes, sir!” Coco said obediently.
Hey Coco, there’s a little brown on your nose.
One of Coco’s eyes began to twitch.
‘Cause you have your muzzle up that fucker’s asshole.
…
‘Cause you’ve got your lips fucking planted right on his taint.
I GET IT!
“And we’ve arrived!” Hipsterdouche announced.
Fucking finally!
Coco let out a sigh of relief.
“I found a box full of pizza crust!” a feminine voice announced.
“Sweet! I know what I’m having for dinner!” a masculine voice replied.
Coco let out a whimper of concern. She looked up to see a young adult mare and stallion, rooting through two dumpsters that were set across from each other in a dirty alleyway. The ponies in the dumpsters wore matching frayed and soiled green beanie’s that covered dirty and matted manes. The mare had long tangled mane that appeared to be white with just a hint of purple under all the filth on it, and the stallion had a messy black curly mane. Though both were nearly covered head to toe in brown, black, and dark green smears, though Coco surmised that under the filth the mare had a lilac-colored coat and the stallion a red one.
“GREETINGS PERFORMERS!” Hipsterdouche said loudly.
“Ah!” The stallion exclaimed as he jumped slightly and dropped a rotten apple core.
“Eak!” the mare cried as she ducked down so that only her eyes, hat, and filthy mane were visible over the green dumpster line.
The stallion also ducked down as he flashed eyes laced with suspicion at Hipsterdouche, then Coco, then back to Hipsterdouche. “These are our dumpsters! Get your own!”
I still say they look better than that fucking collection of thrift store reject clothes!
“Fret not, my young performer!” Hipsterdouche said. “We have come to bear witness to your majestic Trashcapades!”
The stallion and mare both exchanged a quick, confused glance.
The mare raised her forehooves to her mouth and whispered in a forced tone to the stallion. “Ask them if they’re cops!”
“Hey, yeah!” The stallion said with a smile. He turned and gave Hipsterdouche and Coco a stern look. “Are you two cops? You have to tell us or its entrapment!”
That’s just an urban myth, you fucking stooge!
Oh, cut him some slack! These two look are going to eat pizza crust for dinner!
Just because your poor as shit doesn’t mean you get to be ignorant as shit!
Hipsterdouche shook his head. “I assure you, neither me nor my assistant her are constables.”
Damn, does this dickweed talk like a tool.
The two dumpster diving ponies exchanged another look and shrugged.
“Okay,” the stallion said, “but the Trashcapades aren’t free.”
You filthy fuckers should be paying us just for having to smell your rank asses!
Really?! They’re dumpster diving and you want to make them feel worse about themselves?!
“Yeah!” the mare chimed in. “Give us the bits!” She bounded her hoofs against the edge of her dumpster. “The bits! The bits! The bits!”
The stallion smiled and began hitting his own hoofs against his dumpster as he joined in. “The bits! The bits! The bits!”
Hipsterdouche chuckled to himself. “But of course…” he said as he reached into his flannel pocket and pulled out hoofful of golden bits.
Both ponies leapt from their dumpsters and dashed towards the outstretched hoof.
The mare quickly grabbed one and bit into it. “Ouch… They’re real!”
The stallion gasped as he gathered the remaining bits. “Sweet! Now we can afford something to dip our crust in!”
The mare smiled at the stallion. “Actually, there’s a pretty big ketchup smear on the side of my dumpster.”
“Sweet! Now we can afford cider to get drunk off of!”
Coco puffed out her lower lip as it quivered slightly
… Okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. This is just fucking sad right here.
Hipsterdouche smiled wide. “Well, now that we’ve paid for admission, may we get started?”
“Buck yeah we can!” the stallion exclaimed as he rushed back to his dumpster.
The mare giggled to herself as she too made her way back to her own refuse repository. “Watch your head! Lots of rusty cans in my dumpster!”
Each pony now settled in their respective dumpster, the two began reaching into the refuse around them and hurling the filthy trash at each other with reckless abandon. Cans, crumpled up and soiled pieces of paper, and mostly consumed, rotten pieces of food flew back in forth. Hitting the ground, the dumpsters, and occasionally one of the ponies engaged in what Coco could only describe as a ‘trash battle’.
What…
Hipsterdouche pupils widened to take which was, by the look of his awed expression, some sort of glorious display of performance art.
… the..
Coco, on the other hand, merely watched with one eyebrow cocked upwards and her jaw hanging down as the stallion threw a rotten banana peel and the mare returned fire with an empty, rusted can of baked beans.
… fuck.
“Mr. Douche?” Coco asked tentatively.
“Yes, Coco?”
“Are you sure this isn’t just two homeless ponies throwing trash at each other?”
“Pfffft! Maybe to the untrained eye! But you’re missing the deeper subtext here,” Hipsterdouche replied as he gestured out to the two trash tossing ponies with a foreleg.
Subtext my flank! He just paid two filthy dumpster dwellers to have a garbage war!
“…Uh-huh …?”
“See, the refuse represents the pony condition.”
“Right…”
“And the performers represent life and death themselves.”
“Wait… Which one is life and which one is dea—”
“And the stench!” Hipsterdouche inhaled deeply with his nose and smiled. “The stench is the very cosmos!”
If this fucking smell is going through the entire universe, it sure explains a metric-ass-ton of shit that goes on here.
“… Can I step outside the cosmos, Mr. Douche?”
Hipsterdouche gasped. “That’s…. that’s brilliant! Yes, Coco! You may leave this material world behind and achieve enlightenment! But please remain close enough that you can take notes.”
Coco gritted her teeth. “Yes, sir…”
JUST GROW A PAIR AND KILL HIM WITH ONE OF THESE RUSTY CAN LIDS ALREADY!
“INCOMING!” the stallion shouted.
Coco looked up just in time to have a filthy watermelon rind smack her in the face on the wet side. She felt her teeth began to grind almost instinctively as the soiled and smelly food item slid off the front of her face.
Don’t… say… a … bucking word!
… Velvet stink trench!
GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Next Chapter: Chapter 3: Making a Lunch Connection Estimated time remaining: 38 Minutes