“Natsumi?”

“Yeah?”

“How the hell did we move from a massive forest to this barren wasteland…. in only SIX DAYS!?”

“Now that you mention it….”

“WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUGE AS FUCK FOREST. HOW THE HELL ARE WE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT!?”

“Yare yare, Haruka-chan. You don’t have to yell.” Natsumi muttered, irritably fanning herself under the shade of a convenient rock.

The desert stretched out before them, great and sandy and surprisingly bearable. Natsumi just thanked whatever deity allowed for this sand infested crap-sack of a desert to remain in the upper seventies instead of the lower hundreds..

As the pair continued to trudge through the sandy wasteland, they spied a train track leading off into the distance, the faint sound of wheels-on-rails reaching them from the other direction.

“Oi, Natsumi… you think we could hop the train and get to some form of civilization?” Haruka asked, kneeling behind a large rock as the train barreled ever closer.

Natsumi shrugged, tracking the train as it came. “It’s worth a shot, methinks. Sure, why not. We’ll only just have to ride it the other way if we don’t find what we want.”

Thus, our plucky heroines hid behind a pile of rocks and when the train came thundering by, they leapt from behind cover and landed easily on the roof of the train– being brainwashed by Discord might have been terrible, but at least some of their Rider powers carried over even after the power boost had been removed.

The two now stood on atop the train, riding it to a destination they knew not. The wind whipped across their faces as they kneeled, gripping the roof tightly so as to not be ripped from the train. Six minutes and several miles of desert later, the train slowed, then stopped, having reached the end of the line. Natsumi and Haruka silently watched six mares descend from the train, taking note of the lavender alicorn. As the train slowly began to reverse– what the hell was up with that anyway, Haruka wondered– the two jumped off some distance away from the mares, and on the opposite side of the train, sprinting into another pile of rocks to avoid detection.

“Seriously, I don’t think we’re doing any better at this rate than we were before. There isn’t a town in sight!” Haruka grumbled, dumping the sand from her boot as the pair rested against their cover.

“True, but if those six mares came here, then there’s definitely some sort of civilization around here. We just need to follow them.” Natsumi shielded Kivala as the tiny bat slept in her pocket, completely oblivious to the current happenings.

Quietly, Natsumi and Haruka began tailing the six mares, taking extra care to not be spotted by the pink one– she seemed to be the most likely to find them, for some reason.

Inside the town, the group of six mares, heretofore referred to as ‘the Mane 6’, found something decidedly off about this strangely laid out town.

Namely, the fact that everypony had the exact same Cutie Mark and that every single pony had an incredibly wide smile plastered across their faces.

Fluttershy found the town quite pleasing, to be honest. Everypony just seemed so happy.

Far away, on top of the roof of one cottage, Natsumi and Haruka knelt and took in the scene with a shared look of distaste.

“Okay, this is just creepy,” Haruka muttered, “Nobody should smile that wide for that long. It’s just plain unhealthy.”

Natsumi tsked, “Looks like some form of mind control to me. Hey… are all their Cutie Marks… equal signs?”

Haruka took a closer look, “Eeyup. Sounds like a classic case of Stalinism going on here.”

“I thought I was supposed to be the smart one.” Natsumi pouted.

“You are, just not when it comes to the history of politics.”

“.... How the hell did you even manage to stay awake in that class?”

“Learning about all the ways the governments fucked up was really funny.” Haruka giggled. Her favorite memory just had to be the idiocy of Kim Jong Un.

“.... My sister is insane. Good to know.” Natsumi returned to her observation of the curiously laid out town, shielding her eyes from the desert sun with her hand.

Kivala was out on a scouting mission already, tasked with observing the town from closer range.

Haruka’s stomach grumbled. “Oi, Natsumelon, we still have any food?”

Natsumi checked her makeshift bag, opening the crudely woven mass of leaves to check the contents.

“Nope! Fresh out!”

“Fuck!”

Thusly irked, Haruka did something somewhat reckless: She jumped off the rooftop, snuck out behind a building, in through the door, and managed to make off with a tray of muffins. As she re-vaulted to the roof, a very confused Sugar Belle staring confusedly at their previous position. Then the earth pony shrugged. It wasn’t like they were better than the next batch or anything.

Back on the roof, Haruka took a bite of her ill gotten gains, too hungry to care about their unappetizing appearance. Then the taste hit her tongue.

“Oh jesus fuck this is terrible!” She spat, not noticing Natsumi’s frantic hushing.

And then something slammed into the house on the far end of town, inciting a relatively small explosion and completely totalling the house and its sole occupant.

Natsumi and Haruka were both too stunned to react.

Then, the rubble shifted and a humanoid thing popped out, rubbing its head. And then it backhanded an armored man and turned into….

“Kamen Rider Ichigo!?” Natsumi shrieked, confused and terrified at the same time. “What the hell is the first Kamen Rider doing here!?”

Haruka stared in shocked silence, observing as the two figures burst into frenzied battle, even as the distant Kamen Rider shifted forms.

“....” Haruka stood upon the slightly shattered rooftop, watching the combatants below. Beside her stood Natsumi, both disheveled, both staring in stunned and slightly envious silence.

“...Why can’t we do that?” Haruka muttered, staring at the utter devastation below.

“Well, it’s becau-DAMMIT!” Natsumi pulled Haruka down again, just in time for a massive ball of energy to sail over their heads and explode against a nearby mountain. The girls slowly got back to their feet, though this time they chose to stay on their knees and observe from a slightly lower and safer vantage point.

“-It’s because neither of us went as male Riders and only went as female Riders, who, as you know, are rather prone to being fairly useless and dying quickly.” Natsumi finished, pointedly ignoring the dirt in her hair.

“Natsumelon… look…” Haruka pointed dully at the battle taking place, the Kamen Rider below changing forms with surprising speed, even as it beat upon the armored man to no avail.

“Wait… is that…. Faiz?”

“Looks like it, Natsumikan.”

“Why is Fai- Duck!” Natsumi shouted, pulling Haruka down as a torrential breeze passed over them and the town fell apart, flying towards the seemingly invulnerable man at the center, even as a barely distinguishable blur sped around the man and smashed more things into him.

“....” Natsumi glared at Faiz, never noticing the breeze that passed by and replaced her crude leaf-bag with a messenger bag and a note. “Stupid male Riders… Why can’t more female Riders be in existence?”

“Because Japan is a really sexist country, Natsumelon.”

“Dammit. Why is it you’re giving me smart advice? I thought I was the smart one!”

The sisters bickered until the realized that the battle had shifted from the slowly unwinding and devastated town, to the nearby mountainous area, not more than a few miles from their position.

At this point, Kivala came back from her now unnecessary recon, slightly woozy from the wind that smashed her into a wall.

“Oi oi…. where ya two goin’?” she slurred, falling down into Natsumi’s lap.

“Haruka, you think we should go scout out those two?”

Haruka nodded, then looked around for her sister’s crappy bag and spotted the new, practically untouched bag with its note on top.

“Oi, Natsumi.”

“Yeah?”

“I think that Kamen Rider guy did something with your shitty bag.”

“What!?” Natsumi spotted the note, immediately diving for it and reading it out loud.

“Dear Larc and Kivala:

I happened to notice your plight as I was attempting to beat the ever-loving shit out of my pal Gilgamesh here, so I decided to gift you with some provisions (About a year’s worth of non perishable food) and supplies (Everything you need for an extended camping trip plus extra). There’s also two of my special smartphones in there if you wish to contact me. The details are inside the boxes the phones come in, so don’t worry about that.

If you’re wondering why I did this, well, us Kamen Riders have to stick together, yeah?

Your friend,

Aaron Heibai
Proprietor of the Emporium of Everything and Anything
Eldritch Abomination
Part time Kamen Rider”

Haruka was the first to react, “Well, he seems like a nice guy… for an eldritch abomination, that is.”

Natsumi said nothing, only digging through the surprisingly spacious messenger bag and coming out with a shocked and slightly dulled, “He told the truth. There’s enough canned and refrigerated food in that bag to last us a whole year, maybe a year and a half if we’re sparing with it.” She also withdrew two white boxes, handing one over to her sister.

“.... Is this a shitty knock-off iPhone 6?” Haruka questioned, staring dubiously at the black and white phone.

“Apparently it’s indestructible, has an infinite battery life and storage system, can download and play any file no matter what it is, can also project a holographic computer, and has connection no matter where we are.” Natsumi read off the information brochure inside the box, noting the lack of power cable and SD card. “It’s also pre-programmed with the guy’s number, apparently.”

“What.”

Natsumi merely motioned for Haruka to read off her own brochure. “It’s all in there, Haruka.”

Haruka’s reply was cut off as a massive explosion shook the earth, a pillar of flame rising from the nearby mountains.

Natsumi stared in shock, a slight grin stretching over her face. “Well, looks like someone is really…. bringing the heat.”

Haruka facepalmed and punted her pun-loving sister in the side, trying desperately to rid herself of the shame.

“Ow! Dammit Haruka! You suck!”

“No, you suck. I’m the lesbian, remember?” Haruka retorted to her bisexual twin.

“.... Bad joke, Haruka. Bad joke.”

“No worse than your stupid puns.”

At this point, the pair had snuck behind a large boulder, observing the clash of titans from a safe distance.

“Oh. My. God.”

“Holy shit….”

Beyond their cover lay a sea of Kamen Riders, from humble Ichigo to Drive, and every permutation of each of the 119 riders possible, including the female Riders and each separate form.

Natsumi and Haruka nearly wept in jealousy, wondering why the hell they couldn’t be that badass. Then the Rider Kick came, and the twins were nearly blown away by the sheer force of the massive explosion, a crater digging its way into the earth nearly three hundred meters deep.

At this point, the twins were visibly weeping with jealousy and rage, eyes scanning the resulting dust cloud like a pair of hawks. As the dust settled, they saw that all the Kamen Riders had disappeared, the armored man had been laid out and severely wounded, and a shadowy figure was hauling said man onto its shoulder.

“That… was the coolest thing… I have ever seen…” Haruka mumbled, peering around the boulder with wide eyes. Natsumi silently nodded, staring more at the shadowy figure below.

Said shadowy figure nodded once in their direction and disappeared, leaving a note to drift by on the wind.

“What.” Haruka muttered, staring blankly at the note while Natsumi read from over her shoulder.

“Well, depending on what it is, it could either be something really cool, really useful, or both.” Natsumi turned and began rifling through the bag once more, taking just the slightest of moments to admire its sleek, black construction.

Then, she paused and turned shakily to her sister. “H-haruka?”

“Yeah?”

“You gotta see this.”

Haruka kneeled by her twin as Natsumi drew out two mechanical insects, one green, one brown, both styled like grasshoppers.

“Is that…?” Haruka asked, wide eyed.

Natsumi nearly jumped in manic glee, “Yes! It’s the Hopper Zecter, split into the Punch Hopper and Kick Hopper sides!”

“Holy shit…” Haruka whispered, reverently taking up the brown Punch Hopper Zecter. “This… this is so much more useful than Larc… Except for the ranged option, but still…”

“A proper Rider Kick… I finally get a proper Rider Kick….” Natsumi mumbled, hugging the Kick Hopper Zecter to her chest.

The two sat there in joyous, slightly manic silence for a while longer, not hearing the crunch of gravel as the townsponies +5 outsiders and +1 alicorn princess came around the bend.

A synchronized gasp from all the assembled ponies startled the two into wakefulness, the twins leaping into a combat position best suited for covering each other’s blindspots.

“Henshin!”

“Henshin!”

Change: Kick Hopper!

Change: Punch Hopper!

Two female Kamen Riders stood back to back, one green, one brown, both ready for combat.

“Who are you-” Natsumi began, ready to jump.

“-And what do you want?” Haruka finished.

Author's Notes:

[DRAMATIC CLOSING MUSIC]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUkoT12Sk1M