Greetings, everypony. I hope that you're not going to be doing any flying, heavy lifting, or magic anytime soon because I've got a drinking game for you. I call it:  My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic -- Off The Record by The King of Hearts.

Sorry about the tiny text, but as you can see from the screenshot, this story is absolutely massive. It spans 153 chapters, tops out at

384,281 words, and it's still being actively updated. It also has a massive view count, and a mostly-positive rating of 1,437 to 242. So what is it that's got people so worked up?

A story about a human who goes to Equestria, becomes an alicorn, and romances Rainbow Dash.

Well, it's time to fill up that glass. We here are at Rage Reviews are not kind to these types of stories. In general, they mangle canon, have horrible, lazy writing, and exist for the sole purpose of propping up a terrible, Gary Stu self-insert. But this story? It could be a diamond in the rough. 1,437 people seem to think so, and hey, it could happen.

More likely, though, is that the 242 dissenters are the only ones with good taste. Yes, I'm biased, but if this story defies expectations and gives us something actually worth reading, then I'm willing pour out my glass, forget about this 'drinking game,' and let bygones be bygones. Until such a point comes to pass, here's how this is going to work: whenever I see a HiE cliche, or a grievous error, I'm going to take a drink. Let's get started, shall we?

Drink 1: This story is missing the 'Human' tag. That's actually a reportable offense, as the tag is required regardless of whether or not the human becomes a pony.

The story's long description is a short scene with someone named 'Alex' engaging in witty banter with an unnamed princess about altering fate. It's all very "mysterious" because almost no real detail is provided, just vague spoilers and a promise of a late-term conflict. It suffers from bad dialog punctuation, and it's awkward trying to picture facial expressions on faces that aren't identified or otherwise described, but it does gives us enough information to get enticed and reads like a short prologue. Then comes the 'general' description.

Basically, a guy goes to Equestria to episode 1 of the series, and he changes the whole playout of the series, adding a bunch of side stories and different paths for some characters to take.

And, he's an alicorn OC.

Yeah yeah, I get it.

Off you run and cry about it. I've heard about it twelve million times. Literally. Not Hyperbolically.

If you insist on calling him a Gary Stu, and a self-insert, I'll assume you're flirting with me, and calling me perfect, like a Gary Stu can be.

So unless you plan on taking me out, and maybe getting some wine in me, don't go calling me perfect.

Thanks!

Drink 2: The author is talking down to his audience.

Sorry dude, but Gary Stus are not synonymous with perfection. They are deeply flawed literary constructs whose mere presence can damage and destroy what may have otherwise been an adequate story.

The first chapter is uncreatively (and incorrectly) named Prologue, and measures a whopping 20k words. For reference, this story was published shortly after the end of Season Two.

It begins with an author's note reiterating the general description but in bold text and with bad grammar.

First, this story is going to be a retelling of the key parts of the series,; however, some things may be slightly changed to accommodate the story. Please don't blast me for getting things wrong, or out of place. You can safely assume they're wrong for a reason.

Second, this IS an Alicorn OC story with with a romance between Rainbow Dash and the OC. I know this kind of thing is generic, and overdone, but i I like to parody it's its use quite a bit within the story. So, please don't complain when it comes along.

But if you do complain... be warned! I. Will. Cry.

Savage tears, drool, boogers, oh man., You you have no idea. You know that face babies get when they cry? All scrunched up and beet red? That is my face. But i'm I'm a grown man., And and it's starting to happen just thinking about your complaints. Okay, we need to move on before I lose my cool.

Anyway!

Enjoy!

S-M

Well, I don't think this is quite drink-worthy, because while he's trying to stave off criticism, he's also promising us good humor and that description of the angry baby-face is great. Who doesn't want to beat the concept of a HiE alicorn OC into the ground with a fury-powered jackhammer? I know I do.

It was a quiet night in late March, the sky was clearer than it had been in days. The only noise besides the distant sounds of city life was the wind blowing through the grass, and a wind chime that could be heard some distance away. The sun had only set a few minutes ago, but to Alex, it had felt like a lifetime ago.

Drink 3: The story begins with a weather report.

As Princess of Edits continually informs us, the verb 'to be' is boring, and it's a bad idea to use that in the first sentence, though not quite as bad as its being a comma splice. Ouch. It's also bad to talk about the weather, as that tries to connect the audience with the scenery, and not the characters.

My advice to anyone who starts a story with a bland weather report is this:

Hold down the delete key and remove everything until the first sentence where a character performs an action. Integrate the setting as added detail alongside the action from there. That'll give the story a much stronger opening.

The very next paragraph has Alex angsting over something related to his father's absence. It tells us that he's trying to fight back the tears, then goes on to say that he doesn't care how freely they run. Consistency? Nah. That is an obvious error, and a sign that this chapter likely hasn't been edited. I'm going to have to refill my glass.

Alex was your typical only-child, with brown hair, blue eyes, he was smart, athletic, and getting ready to graduate in a few short months, he had never been the most popular guy in school, but hadn't ever been the least popular one either, which, to be honest, was the way he had always preferred it. All over, he was pretty generic. Generic, generic, generic.

The words 'smart' and 'athletic' imply that he's above average, which runs contradictory to the terms 'typical' and 'generic.' Story, we need to talk. I'm giving you the evil eye right now. You used the word 'generic' four times in a row, and it does not mean what you think it does. It is not a valid character description. What you are trying to do is forcibly create a sense of modesty, but what I see is a giant red flag. One thing I've noticed is that upon creating a character like myself, is that it's very tempting to slip in useless words like 'average' and 'ordinary'.

Why? Because we are social creatures at heart, and there's no bigger group one can belong to than the enigmatic 'average' demographic. Everyone wants to believe that there are others like themselves, and by creating a character just like that, then the word 'average' does indeed apply to the narrow focus of the author and the OC. It's only the third paragraph and I hate to have to do this, but...

Drink 4: Self-insert confirmed.

I might be jumping to conclusions, but this looks like pretty strong evidence to me. By the way, if anyone does start a story and feels tempted to tack the word 'average' onto an OC description, then it's best to stop and ask yourself just who that character is average with. If the answer is 'yourself,' then it's best to alter the character until you feel as if the word 'average' no longer applies.

This isn't a death knell for this story, but it is a bad sign. Self-inserts can still work if the author is willing to bring along his/her flaws. The real killer would be going on to make the self-insert into a Gary Stu, and that hasn't happened yet.

We learn his girlfriend has broken up with him, and the story jumps into a flashback. This dude is just in high school and has his own car? What the heck? That's a huge privilege! See what I mean about improper use of the word 'generic?' Anyway, because he's bummed by the loss of his girlfriend, he drives out to a bar diner to drown his sorrow in beer coke, and abuse a sympathetic ear from the bartender waitress. Got to keep this legal, I guess.

His ex is there, and she's hanging out with a popular football jockey who dumped his own girlfriend to be with her. This is a transparent attempt for sympathy, and it neatly shifts the blame of their breakup away from him. Sorry, but my heartstrings were forged in the fires of Mordor, and they're not going to bend from such an obvious ploy.

He makes it home without killing himself, and takes a nap. He's awakened by the doorbell, and it's a police officer who's there to deliver the news that Alex's parents were killed in a car accident.

This might seem like another ploy for sympathy, but I can see what's really going on. Since it's inevitable that Alex will wind up in Equestria, this story is simply severing his ties to the human world so that he'll have no reason to want to come back. Speaking of which...

Drink 5: Alex runs off into the woods and sticks hand into the first brightly-glowing thing that he can find.

Looking quickly, Alex felt his pulse quicken as he realized that his arm was inside of it.

"Nope nope nope nope!" Alex said immediately.

My general reaction to this story thus far.

The glowing thing eats him, and sadly for ambient light-source vore fetishists, that was just a figure of speech.

Drink 6: Alex passes out—

Drink 7: —and wakes up in the Everfree Forest—

Drink 8: —as an alicorn.

Yeesh. Way to lay those cliches on thick, there.

Alex felt his world slowly coming back to him. He was lying on something soft… Grass. It smelled great, and felt great. He smiled and pressed his face into it after a few moments of this, he stopped. Why was he sleeping on grass? He slowly opened his eyes to investigate what was going on around him. What he saw almost made him pass out again.

Looking around, everything was the same... style, if that were an appropriate word.  The world offered a severe lack of variety in the colors, it was like ninety-percent of shades had been blocked from his vision, making most objects have a single, uniform color to it. A tree trunk was solid brown, while the sky was a solid purple.

Badly formed sentences like the ones I've bolded are yet more proof that this chapter requires editing. Rough drafts are great and all, but don't publish them!

Anyway, this version of Equestria is described as 'animated' and I have to shake my head at the thought of his winding up in the cartoon. In addition to damaging the fourth wall, this is also an open invitation for lame visual gags.

“Well, either I’m dreaming, or I’ve completely lost it” Alex muttered to himself. “I'm probably just dreaming”

Actually, what he lost was his dialog punctuation. Tsk. Tsk. The 'I'm crazy/dreaming' thing is cliche, but I'll avoid drinking to that as it's also a natural reaction.

Drink 9: Alex freaks out when he sees that he has hooves instead of hands.

Yes, a freak-out session is well in order, but I take issue with the fact that he wasn't even aware of his transformation until his eyeballs pointed that out to him. That's kind-of a hard thing to miss!

The body has a sense of self, or self-awareness, so to speak. You know where your limbs are, what shape your body is, and what your various limbs are doing. That remains true even if you close your eyes. As a pony, the body has a much different structure. The limbs are in different places, and have different shapes. The chest moves differently while breathing. The placement of the heart and the way it feels when it beats is different. The shape of the mouth, size and placement of the teeth, texture of the tongue, and taste in the mouth is different. When humans hear sounds, they turn their heads. Ponies swivel our ears first. Our eyes are much larger and have more peripheral vision. Altogether, the very manner in which we perceive the world is fundamentally different.

But no, Alex doesn't notice ANY of that until he puts a hoof in front of his face.

White coat, black mane... why couldn't he have had a black coat with a red mane? Imagine how badass he would be if THAT was his color scheme! Oh well!

He had wings too.

"Did I really need both?" Alex muttered, turning and inspecting his other wing, which was completely white, "At least that makes up for not being red and black!"

Drink 10: Even the humor is cliche.

Well, this isn't the most grievous of sins, but it does show just how oversaturated this genre has become. Even the parodies have their own specific formula in which they poke fun at the most obvious of cliches, and have themselves become cliche. The main issue with the humor here is that it comes at the expense of the fourth wall. At this point in the story, there's no reason for Alex to be aware of the fact that ponies come in different colors, and which body parts they usually have.

The other thing about these jokes is that the story is showing us that it's 'genre savvy.' By highlighting the most common pitfalls, it's promising us that it knows how to avoid them. So far, it hasn't done a good job.

So, what did this make him? A pega-corn? A uni-sus? Jesus, those names were stupid.

You know what's also stupid? A human pony named Alex. Hey, it's far more common than it has any right to be.

Alex gets up and goes for a walk. His ultimate goal being Canterlot, as he arrived in a patch of grass and could see it through the break in the trees. He praises himself on his woodsmanship, which honestly makes no sense as knowledge of what's edible to humans means nothing now that he's a magical pony, and you don't need much in the way of survival skills to locate running water. On top of that, his navigational skills are really being put to the test by a convenient path pointed in the exact direction that he wants to go. /sarcasm

Alex was cut off from his thoughts when he heard screaming and a roar pierce the absolute silence of the forest.  The screaming had been far off, but not so far that he couldn't get the direction is had come from.

Taking a deep breath, he started walking in that direction, slowly picking up his pace, while still making sure to avoid tripping and hurting himself. Once he found a rather clear path, he started to move faster and faster, trusting his new instincts, until he reached a speed he was happy with. He was amazed to see how little effect on his body his running was having. He was moving faster than he ever had before, and it was barely fazing him.

Drink 11: Alex displays an amazing degree of coordination for someone who just turned into a pony.

I'll give this story credit where it's due: it draws the line at flying and he hasn't attempted any magic. However, it made a plot point of him being confused with his new body when he first arrived, so moving around should not be this easy for him. Take a look at this video:

As it's playing, pay attention to the horse's legs. You'll note that they move differently when he switches from a walk to a trot, and from a trot to a canter. Going full gallop is like a canter but faster, and can reach speeds of around 25 to 30 miles per hour (40 to 48 km/h). Now, image doing that in dark, unfamiliar woods, while having to avoid tree limbs, vines, undergrowth, rocks, and still being under the mistaken impression that your forelegs should have hands. Yeah... no. Alex should be clumsy as hell. Instincts or no, this story isn't letting him adjust properly to his new body simply because it isn't convenient to the plot.

Speaking of which, that scream and roar represents our heroines encountering the manticore. From this point forth, he trails them as they go through their various trials. They stay ahead of him, and he continuously arrives too late to interfere with anything. The narration is kind of confusing because it's generally telly and has poor attention to detail. It's also irritating that this story uses numbers like '5' instead of writing them out like it should. That's just lazy.

After 5 or so minutes he finally arrived at the clearing that had just housed the group of people. Seeing no one around, he figured that they must have headed up the path.

Looking around, he noted that all the light had been restored to the area. It had been such a gradual thing, he didn’t even notice it. Realizing that he didn’t exactly know where those girls had headed off to, he started examining the ground, looking for clues as to where they had gone.

Don't you just love the inconsistency here? He decides they headed up the path, then instantly forgets that and looks for clues as to where they had gone.

Drink 12: This chapter is sorely in need of editing. I think I've shown enough examples of this now. It's time for a drink.

After the dark grove, Alex's next stop is at the river. This story promised some differences from canon, and here the river isn't calm and shallow enough for him to ford on his own. I'm fine with that, as it allows him to meet Steven Magnet and the sea monster's characterization is done well. This deserves to rewarded with a picture of a cute, little filly.

Apple Bloom, why you gotta to be that way?

Alex encounters the bridge next, and despite allowing the girls to cross, the planks start to crumble under his weight. Fatty. A board breaks completely, leaving a large gap that he can't step across.

Alex always considered himself somewhat smart, and this was one of those reaffirming moments, because he knew he’d have to jump the rest of the way across the bridge now. Even if he had been able to jump to the next plank, past the one that had fallen, he knew it would just collapse under the weight of his landing on it.

Actually no, he's not smart at all. It's time for a physics lesson!

Newt Ton's third law of motion: For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. This means that the force exerted on the crumbling plank when he jumps is equal to the force a plank would experience upon his landing on it. Thus, this maneuver is stupid and should send him falling to his death. The only safe way to cross is by flying, or by taking the time to shore up the bridge with lengthwise planks that would span the gap and distribute his weight. He could even secure them in place with vines. If he actually had those survival skills he kept raving about, he'd know how to do that. Sadly, this story is only as intelligent as its self-insert, so Alex jumps across just fine and only has to flap his wings a few times to cover the distance when he comes up a bit short. The story then has the gall to tell us that this didn't count because it wasn't technically flying.

Drink 13: Fuck it, I need a drink.

Alex finally catches up with them just in time for Nightmare Moon to capture Twilight and teleport her to a different part of the building. The girls run inside after her, and Alex spots the place they teleported to and goes a different direction. I guess he found a massive shortcut, because he makes it there almost as soon as the scene starts.

Drink 14: The scene plays out exactly as it does in the episode, but with an OC there to steal the credit.

Alex's contribution to this scene is that he attacks Nightmare Moon and interrupts her return charge after Twilight teleports to the pedestal and tries to activate the Elements of Harmony. His presence there has no impact whatsoever, as the villain get back up and knocks Twilight down with her magic anyway.

Drink 15: The author uses his powers of hindsight after having watched the episode to impart knowledge onto Twilight that she shouldn't have yet.

Twilight looked at him with a confused face, before a light bulb turned on in her head, and she lit up. “You’re the one! The one we were missing this whole time! But… Who are you?” She asked, her eyes wide with curiosity.

Bleh, the telliness of this choreography is sickening, but I'll address that later.

Here, Twilight is attributing significance to the number of crazy ponies that decided to follow her into the Everfree Forest. She knows that there should be seven of them to match the number of Elements of Harmony, but hasn't yet made the logical conclusion that these ponies represent the Elements of Harmony. See the problem?

By putting these words into her mouth, it breaks the fourth wall, makes her sound like the narrator, greatly weakens her character, and props up the self-insert. Who, I might add, is rapidly heading towards Stu territory.

The story resumes copying the episode, and the rest of the girls show up on cue. This is when Twilight has her epiphany, and—

Drink 16: Alex's Element of Harmony is dumb.

“And Alex, who threw himself in harm’s way to protect me when I needed it most, represents the spirit of… selflessness!”

Step aside, Rarity, because you've been replaced with the Element of Better Generosity. Stories with seven elements should be avoided in general, but is it really that hard to come up with something that can stand on its own and isn't exactly synonymous with one that already exists?

Technically, Alex is the sixth element and not the seventh. This is a nice touch as tries to make him seem less special and lets Twilight keep her place as the group's leader. It doesn't work, though, because he's a fucking alicorn!

Alex was surprised to hear himself included in this list of names, realizing that this is what she meant when she said he was ‘the one.’ A part of him was sad that it wasn't more of a 'soul mate' deal. It sure would have been nice to instantly fall in love with one of these horses, wouldn't it have been?

I'm quoting this for future reference. Since the story joked about rushed romance, we'll see how well it does on that front.

Drink 17: The form of Alex's element gem is 'simply' a large diamond. Either this means that he's more special by not having a cutie mark, or it further cements his role as Rarity's replacement. Either way, this deserves a drink.

I'd like to talk symbolism here. Diamonds are valuable, especially large ones. Diamonds are forever, and represent eternal commitment when gifted as a token of love. Diamonds are pure and strong and beautiful. In MLP, diamonds are also Tom.

By using a diamond as Alex's element, he becomes all of these things. This isn't a sin, but this story has thus far lacked any form of foreshadowing outside of beating the audience with a joke hammer. It might be a coincidence since diamonds are often depicted as white that matches his coat color, but it's still a nice touch regardless.

Drink 18: Alex's consciousness has an 'off' switch that the story flips whenever it wants to skip ahead.

Yes, he faints again. This time it's because the use of the Elements of Harmony 'drained' him. That departs from canon, as they're restorative when activated, but the author assured us that any deviations were done for a reason. Here, that reason is because the author is lazy and wants to skip ahead.

There's a short scene where Alex partially wakes up, and overhears Twilight and Celestia talking about how special he is. He conks out again as it's still daylight and the author wants to skip ahead to Luna.

If you think he's been sleeping an awful lot, you're not mistaken. So far:

•He took a nap upon returning home after his girlfriend dumped him.

•He passed out for who-knows-how-long after being devoured by the ambient light-source.

•He passed out long enough for the girls to carry him all the way back to Ponyville.

•He fell asleep again after he wakes up from having passed out and sleeps for several more hours.

By contrast, Twilight and the girls haven't had any sleep in the same time frame, as they stayed up all night partying before the Summer Sun Celebration (or being kept up by said partying in Twilight's case).

He wakes up and finds that Twilight passed out on the floor. Instead of being polite and waking her up, he decides to examine her. Yes, the story acknowledges that this is creepy, and yes, he does it anyway.

Drink 19: Twilight's description is wrong.

She was a purple pony, with a dark purple mane. However, also in her mane, were two different streaks of purple, one that he saw was an indigo shade, and one that was almost pink, but a touch darker. All and all, she was a very purple pony.

Her tail had the same colors as her mane, which he had expected, however, next to her tail; he saw some kind of mark on her side. She had a purple star, similar to the color of the second streak in her hair. And around the star were several smaller white stars.

Her primary mane color (indigo) got swapped with the dark purple streak, and the primary star on her cutie mark is magenta, not purple. There is no subtle purple tint to everything, unless she happens to be under a purple light. This is what happens when one tries to describe a character from memory and doesn't bother to look at a reference.

Drink 20: Twilight's characterization is bland and way off.

The first thing she does upon waking up is accuse him of staring at her butt. Yes, it's true, but Twilight's not one for flirting. She wouldn't care about a minor faux paus, as she was watching him sleep too, ya know. Given the earlier conversation, she should be badgering him about visiting Celestia so they can question him together about his mysterious origin, lack of cutie mark, and alicorn status.

However, in this story she's strangely passive. Yes, she asks questions, but accepts the non-answers he gives without complaint. Instead of pressuring him, she promises to answer his questions and takes the time to praise him for acting as her meat shield. Why does she do that considering her own actions were far riskier and crazier than anything he did? Even Alex should be able to call her out on that, as he watched her charge Nightmare Moon horn-first. But no, the conversation is all about him.

Hell, Twilight even forgot about Celestia's request to see him until he reminded her. That is way out of character as she's not only the most organized pony on the show, but also voted as the mare most likely to jump off a cliff if she thought that Celestia would enjoy the sound she'd make when she went splat at the bottom. She'd never forget a direct order from her mentor (or freak out if she did).

Nope, she's calm, collected, and her voice can easily be confused for that of the narrator.

Leaning his head forward, he flared his wings straight up, sending the blanket straight up into the air. ”Ha!” Alex said triumphantly, proud of his ingenious thinking. He looked over, and saw Twilight giggling at the door, he opened his mouth to say something, but the blanket floated down and covered his face before he could. He sighed dejectedly and sat down on the bed, defeated.

“Here” Twilight said lifting the blanket off his head using her magic. “Normally, we use our mouths to get something off of our backs. Where exactly did you say you were from?” Twilight said becoming more curious at how he couldn’t even perform the most basic of tasks.

“Well, that’s a long story…” Alex said unsure of even where to begin. ”Can I get it all together in my head while we find the princess?” Alex asked slowly.

“Oh! Sure!” Twilight said, not wanting to press anything on him. He was obviously troubled over it. “Come on, let’s go find her.” Twilight said dropping the blanket in a ball on the bed next to Alex, who was still standing on top of it.

If I saw a pony acting like that, I'd assume that he was just being silly. Twilight has no reason to jump to the conclusion that he can't even control his body! What the fuck?

The telling in this entire scene is also so thick that I'm almost willing to commit seppuku with it just to make the pain end.

Drink 21: In addition to having terrible dialog punctuation, every time a character speaks, this story jumps in their head to tell us what they are thinking.

This is terrible, lazy writing. I hate this. I hate it so much that I completely blew up. Yes, I did, in fact, write a story about how bad your stories are, fandom.

Well, I might as well try to explain what bothers me.

Let's start with the omniscient narrator. This is where the narrator knows all thoughts and actions of all characters in the story. This by itself is not a bad thing, but the way it's used here is irritating. Instead of following one character at a time and waiting until a scene break before switching voices, the narration constantly jumps around to whomever's speaking. This isn't so much jarring as it is off-putting. It distances the readers from the characters, and prevents us from becoming immersed in the story.

The whole reason the omniscient narrator even exists is because the story is rife with telling and hardly shows anything. What I consider 'telling' to be is a passage that explains something in a manner that does not engage any of the five primary senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell). I'm going to repeat the above quote, but bold everything that looks like 'telling' to me.

Leaning his head forward, he flared his wings straight up, sending the blanket straight up into the air. ”Ha!” Alex said triumphantly, proud of his ingenious thinking. He looked over, and saw Twilight giggling at the door, he opened his mouth to say something, but the blanket floated down and covered his face before he could. He sighed dejectedly and sat down on the bed, defeated.

“Here” Twilight said lifting the blanket off his head using her magic. “Normally, we use our mouths to get something off of our backs. Where exactly did you say you were from?” Twilight said becoming more curious at how he couldn’t even perform the most basic of tasks.

“Well, that’s a long story…” Alex said unsure of even where to begin. ”Can I get it all together in my head while we find the princess?” Alex asked slowly.

“Oh! Sure!” Twilight said, not wanting to press anything on him. He was obviously troubled over it. “Come on, let’s go find her.” Twilight said dropping the blanket in a ball on the bed next to Alex, who was still standing on top of it.

To maintain immersion, it's better to invoke those senses and show us how the story plays out from the character's perspectives, rather than keeping us detached with little to relate to. To make matters even worse, the telling is frequently redundant, explaining what could easily have been inferred from the actions and dialog. If all of the bold text were deleted, hardly any meaning would be lost, and all of the problems could have been avoided.

After stepping outside, Pinkie Pie accosts him, force-feeds him cake, and zaps him with a joy buzzer. Well, that's Pinkie being Pinkie, all right. She seems decently characterized.

Alex looked into a mirror attached to a building a few feet away, his hair was sticking straight up, the feathers on his wings were skewed in all directions, and to top it all off, a small amount of smoke was rising from the tip of his horn.

‘Just like a cartoon…’ Alex said to himself.

This made him think of something. Shaking his whole body back and forth as if he were a dog drying off, the soot caused by her buzzer flew off in all directions around him.

Drink 22: Oh joy, a lame visual gag. Did you hear that crashing noise? That was the sound of Equestria's financial market collapsing after everypony realized that they shouldn't have been printing the words 'In the Fourth Wall We Trust' on all of their currency.

“Well… Why are there so many girls here?” Alex said plainly.

Twilight looked around, she had noticed this yesterday, when she first arrived in the town. “Well… not all places are like this.” Twilight said slowly. “In my hometown of Canterlot, we have plenty of stallions… This town is just… different. I don’t really know more than that.”

Drink 23: Ponyville randomly has more mares than stallions, as confirmed by Twilight, who doesn't even live there!

They bump into Luna, and not much happens except for them exchanging a few pleasantries. Luna thanks Alex for what he did, and Alex feels odd about casual royalty.

As Alex followed Twilight closely through the crowd, he couldn’t believe that he had just had such a casual encounter with a princess. The royalty in this world was so much more down-to-earth than in his world. Well, except for maybe the one with red hair.

Drink 24: Bad reference is bad. Now I'm going to forever wonder just who Alex could possibly be referring to. Princess... Ariel from The Little Mermaid? You can't get much more down to earth than where it's better, where it's wetter, under the sea. Yeah... if you don't want the audience to get lost in their own little world trying to figure it out, it's better to just drop a name.

They bump into Celestia next, and Alex finally explains how he got to Equestria...

Alex thought for a moment then decided where he would start things off, “Well, I’m not from here. I’m from somewhere very… different. Somewhere where I wasn’t a horse- or pony, or whatever.”

One long explanation later.

“And, that’s how I ended up here.” Alex said finally.

Drink 25: ...in the laziest way possible.

The ponies are just as confused by his arrival as he is, and there's some useless speculation, a lame attempt to justify 'selflessness' as an element of harmony, and when he's invited to ask questions, he asks about finding a way home. They tell him it's possible, but only if he casts the spell himself, and to do that, he'll have to train for years.

Alex felt like the entire world had fallen silent, as a high pitched ringing began sounding in his ears. It was one of those moments where everything stops, and nothing seems to matter in the entire world. He had just felt this way yesterday, when he was told about his parents.

But, something else came to his mind, as he stood frozen in place. This could have been a blessing in disguise.

He had been destroyed by the news of his parents death. His life was more or less going to take a very shitty turn, and he didn't want anything to do with it.

So... maybe this was a good thing. He could spend some time in this world, and completely forget about the magnitude of issues back on earth. He could have a blank slate, and start a new life... this could have been a silver lining.

Drink 26:

So yeah, all of those ties to the human world were clearly severed for the sole sake of his being guilt-free while he vacations in magic, cartoon, horse world.

Drink 27: This is for the 'human must phone home' cliche. It's particularly dumb here since Alex has no reason to return home that we (the audience) are aware of. Thus, his efforts toward this end feel misplaced. Why bother?

Twilight agrees to teach him magic, and Celestia orders everypony to have fun.

“Alright, now that we have everything worked out, let’s say we get back to the party, hmm?” Celestia said to cheers of the crowd, as they all went back to enjoying themselves.

Alex finds Twilight off by herself, and stops to cheer her up because she's feeling nervous about her new teaching job. They then go back to the party and fatten their flanks with cake. After a while, Celestia gathers everypony's attention, and announces that Luna will be raising the moon.

Luna bowed her head in front of the crowd, and her horn started to glow. Then, giving her wings a few powerful flaps, she lifted herself into the air. Raising her head up, she looked up into the sky as the glow around her horn brightened. Everypony watched on in awe as the moon rose from the horizon, moving directly behind Luna. Encompassing her in its light, all anypony could see of her was a silhouette, in front of the large moon behind her.

The crowd cheered as Luna landed on the ground. She looked at the cheering ponies in front of her and blushed again. She hadn’t expected everypony to warm up to her this quickly… Looking through the crowd, she saw an awe-stricken Alex standing next to a giggling Twilight. She winked at him, and then moved away from the crowd rejoining her sister.

Celestia beamed. This had done exactly what she had wanted it to. She wanted Luna to be accepted by the masses as quickly as possible, and she could think of no better way to do this than to have her raising the moon, and watching over the night again as quickly as possible.

The first two paragraphs describe a heartwarming scene where Luna is welcomed back to her duties and accepted by the crowd. The third paragraph then kills the mood by explaining that to us in terms of icy cold political machinations. Was that really necessary?

The party dies down and the princesses leave. On their way out, they have a brief conversation with each other about Rainbow and some historical figure who died trying to protect the Crystal Empire. I think it was supposed to be foreshadowing, but too little information was given for it to actually make any sense.

Back in town, Pinkie gathers the girls together for a private after-party party, and Alex decides that he'd like to guess their names. Supposedly, he's good at remembering such things, and he did hear them back at the castle ruins when Twilight confronted Nightmare Moon. While this is going on, he takes the time to... ogle them? I guess?

The next pony in like was the white unicorn with the purple mane. She was very ladylike, and extremely good looking… In fact, he found himself a little mesmerized by her beauty.

This thought made him pause. He thought she was beautiful? Looking back and forth between all six ponies in front of him, he had to admit, they were all attractive. But why did he think that? These ponies were, well… ponies. Generally, he limited his attractions to his own species... although, he had spent a few seconds looking at Twilight's butt.

Then it hit him, they WERE his species. He WAS a pony. He knew his mind hadn’t been quite right since he was brought here, he had been saying the wrong things, having odd cravings for odd food, and now this. The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. Deciding that finding ponies attractive wasn’t the end of the world, he moved on.

Drink 28: This scene exists to remove the xenophobia barrier. However, it's still too early to be accepting of such things. If anything, his discovery that his new body finds horses attractive should be unnerving, and not be dismissed as insignificant. What does he think of human women? Does he still find them attractive too? What about his ex? She may have dumped him, but I doubt she'd appreciate being cast aside in favor of colorful fever dreams. He still doesn't even know if this world is real!

By the way, that bit about saying the wrong words refers to saying things like 'everypony' instead of 'everyone' and 'hay' instead of 'hell.' As part of being in a 'cartoon,' his language is ponified and g-rated. Alex has also shown no craving for any type of food aside from cake, so I don't know what he's referring to there.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy's names were given away, and he already knows Twilight, so he only has to guess three. He gets Applejack and Rarity correct, but can't remember Rainbow Dash, and instead calls her 'Colors.' That makes no sense considering that memories are associative and Rainbow's name almost perfectly matches her appearance. She's the easiest pony to remember next to Pinkie Pie!

Anyway, Rainbow is massively offended, blows her top and storms off. Wow, I know that season one Rainbow Dash is a jerk, but this is over-the-top, even for her. The only real explanation I can think of for this would be if Rainbow Dash was herself attracted to Alex, and hated herself because of it. My hopes of this story actually featuring a well-developed romance are rapidly diminishing. That killed the fun, and everypony except Alex hasn't slept in two days, so they break up to get some rest.

Alex, for once, does not sleep, and instead opts to have a flashback about his parents. I'm not even going to bother going into that, because what follows is about 1.7k words of pure inanity.

Drink 29: Alex's flashback is about his waking up and having breakfast while his parents talk about going to the store.

It's not even written from a first-person perspective, so it reads like footage captured for Equestria's Lamest Human Videos. As cool as it would be, Alex's brain is not actually a secret government surveillance drone. Thus, there's no reason to write out this 'flashback' as if it were an action scene in progress. The whole thing should be greatly condensed. It should drop the trivialities, focus only on the parts important to Alex, and he should let his mind wander some to include other tidbits about his parents that had profound impact on him.

Even as bad as it now, the scene does serve an important role, and that is to show us that Alex is not completely flat and does have some depth of character. A depth to that degree might make Rainbow wonder if he's actually doing anything when he finally penetrates her, but it's still better than nothing, right?

Obligatory character-building completed, he goes back to the tree house and finally meets Spike. The two seem to hit it off, and shake hands.

Alex couldn’t help but be jealous that Spike had actual hands... He was going to miss his right hand a whole lot. It was essentially his girlfriend most nights.

Joking aside, that's a odd thing to think about when looking at a baby dragon.

Alex walked into the room that he had been in previously. Smiling, he walked his way over to the bed, and collapsed on top of it. If today and yesterday were any indicator, life here was going to be insane. Which, really, he couldn't complain about, because along with the insanity, was a measure of fun.

However, if he was going to be able to keep up, he would need his beauty sleep... and a lot of it at that.

He had a feeling this story was only just beginning.

Drink 30: This massive wall of blandness is only the beginning? By the caloric content of hayfries! What have I gotten myself into?

Now that this chapter is over, I'm going to step back and go over a few things. While my review of this chapter was in-depth, any subsequent chapters will be brief. I want to see how the episodes get changed because Alex is around, and I want to see the romance develop. Granted, this whole story is a romance story, so if I really wanted to see how it works out, I'd have to read it all. More likely, though, is that I'll just quit when I get too bored to go on.

Yeah... this story isn't making me mad, but it also isn't holding my attention. For something that's supposed to be a parody, it's not very humorous. Out of nearly 20k worlds, I could count the number of jokes in this chapter on one row of teeth. It's enough for an occasional smile, but most of the time I was simply bored.

If anyone else wants to chime in, feel free to do so. This review has plenty of back seats, and I wouldn't mind the company.

Chapter 2: Magic 101

This chapter lazily takes place 'one week later.' Gotta have an episode every Saturday, right? Alex wakes up and visits Twilight, who is teaching him magic instead of helping Applejack with her chores. (Basically, it replaces the opening scene in Ticket Master.)

It starts off with a history lesson. Apparently, a group of earth ponies learned how to use magic, and their exposure to it caused them all to simultaneously develop bone cancer and they all suffered from weird growths popping out of their skulls. Well, either that or they cast a spell to help them be able to use magic more safely and efficiently. The latter makes more more sense, but the way Twilight explained it... Regardless, that's how unicorns came to be.

The unicorns became racist supremacists, and abused their power over magic to oppress the other races. That is, until a unicorn who'd been deprived of his horn turned against them and cast a spell that turned all the racists into stone. This suddenly dispels all racism, as casting magic without a horn proves that earth ponies and pegasai can do it too. However, without a horn to channel the magic safely, it fried his brain. He, er, then regenerates because he was really The Doctor.

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought The Doctor was a non-violent chap. His suicide bombing a bunch of ponies with petrification magic seems a tad out of character.

The regeneration event fooled all of the ponies, including Twilight and Alex, into believing that he'd died. Alex really should have known better because he'd just cracked a Star Wars joke, and the regeneration was really obvious, especially after that name drop. It's hard to believe that a Star Wars fan would have never heard of Dr. Who.

Alex completes two years worth of magic training in two seconds by levitating an apple. I guess he's just a natural at it, because Twilight described magic in terms of invisible hands, and that's an alien concept to ponies, but Alex is a natural born human.

Spike shows up with the Gala tickets. Alex declines on the grounds that he doesn't like dancing. Yeesh, no wonder his old girlfriend dumped him.

There are five drink-worthy events:

Drink 31: Alex gloats about being an alicorn, and not some stinky, inferior earth pony. His attitude offends me, personally. If he keeps this up, it'll be time for 'Alex'-bucking season. Hey, a mare can dream, right?

Drink 32: When The Doctor showed up, this story suddenly became a crossover without the crossover tag. That's okay for a reference or a cameo, but he's listed in the character tags and there's even a later chapter called The Doctor. How did this story pass moderation?

Drink 33: Alex is better at learning magic than Twilight Sparkle.

Drink 34: When Alex declined the Gala ticket, he became morally superior to Twilight's friends. The entire point of that episode was to introduce the character's vices, and by dodging that 'trap,' Alex doesn't have any.

Drink 35: The author once again uses his power of having watched the episode to give Twilight information she shouldn't have yet. She's worried about her friends creating a huge fuss over her extra Gala ticket, despite the fact that she doesn't really know them that well yet and has no reason to believe they'd freak out over it.

Chapters 3-4: The Ticket Master parts 1 and 2

Armed with the power of having watched the episode, Twilight plans to avoid conflict by presenting the extra Gala ticket as a hypothetical situation, and it works, killing all of the conflict. But fear not! For brave Alex shall go off and do his own thing, thus supplanting the entire episode with his own antics.

In part 1, Alex and Spike decide to trail Twilight, because apparently she can't be trusted to go talk to her friends on her own or something.

Twilight chats with Applejack first, and we learn that Big Mac lost a bet with her and has to walk through town while wearing a very painful-sounding frilly pink girdle. I'll admit that was amusing. Also amusing is the fact that nopony else thought it was funny except for Applejack.

Alex and Spike went to the town square, and decide to ask Big Mac if he'd seen Twilight once they spot him. Before they can, a pony loses control of a fully-loaded garbage wagon that weighs a ton. Alex shows off his newly-learned magic skills by stopping the cart, thus preventing Big Mac from getting injured and killing the conflict for the next episode (Applebucking Season) too. Simply stopping the cart wasn't enough for some reason, so Alex tries to levitate it back up the hill. He loses control of his magic, tosses the wagon all the way into the Everfree Forest, and spreads a trail of garbage across the entirety of Ponyville. Rainbow Dash's house got hit the hardest, and the trash didn't just fall through because, uh, cloud physics are weird, I guess.

“I don’t wanna hear it!” Rainbow dash said annoyed, “If you don’t know how to control magic, then don’t use it! Especially when it could get someponies house covered in TRASH!” She shouted at him.    

At this point, Big Macintosh still dressed in his girdle stepped forward. “Now wait one second Rainbow Dash.” He said sternly to her, “Alex was just tryin’ to help me out, if I had been payin’ more attention, none of this would have happened.” He said, trying to take some of the flak off of Alex.

“It’s my fault too!” The owner of the wagon piped up, “I was using an old harness that broke, causing all of this to happen!”

“Yeah!” Spike said, “And I… Uh...” Spike tried to think of a reason it was his fault, but couldn’t find one. “Oh, never mind.” He said kicking a rock on the ground.

Don't you just love the way the whole town jumps in to defend Alex? No? Neither do I.

Part 2 is mostly filler, where Alex and Spike continue to chase after Twilight but keep arriving too late. They finally catch up to her at Dash's trash-covered abode. Upon learning what happened, Twilight praises him, and even Rainbow Dash reluctantly, but silently, praises him too.

Alex tells Twilight the solution that worked in the show, and she returns the tickets without even bothering to ask Dash what she would do at the Gala. Twilight's other friends were suspicious, and they all show up in time to receive their tickets when Celestia writes back.

Eh, I will give credit where it's due. The comedy here was decent and both Pinkie and Spike were characterized well. Applejack was only a little off, as she seemed more mischievous than I'd expect, but it wasn't a huge stretch. There wasn't enough of Fluttershy, Rarity, or Rainbow Dash to judge. Twilight got shat on, though, as the only way the story can make her seem smart is by arming her with knowledge gained from having watched the episode. She's also in the awkward position of being the leader of the group and thus needed to keep the plot moving, but she also has to find ways to praise Alex because this story's really about him.

Speaking of which, the whole 'episode' felt less like it was about Twilight bonding with her friends (including, presumably, Alex) and learning a friendship lesson, and more like it was an ego trip about Alex's 'amazing' progress with magic. Sure, the former still happened, but it was relegated to the background, and felt forced because there was almost no buildup to the conclusion.

Time for some drinks!

Drink 36: After having learned magic for the first time only just that morning, Alex is already using epic-level levitation when he stops the runaway garbage cart.

Drink 37: Alex can do no wrong, because even his mistakes are praiseworthy.

Drink 38: Big Mac: The Chatterbox

Drink 39: Twilight somehow couldn't broach the subject of the Gala ticket to Pinkie without mentioning Alex.

Drink 40: Spike is treated like a native guide to Ponyville despite the fact that both he and Alex have only lived there one week.

Drink 41: Alex spent almost the entire week prior to this point sleeping.

Chapters 5-6: Applebuck Season parts 1 and 2

Part one begins with a poignant reminder of what we're missing out on because Alex killed the conflict. However, it then goes on to play out the stampede scene. With Big Mac as her partner instead of Winona, they screw up, trip the lead cow, and the result is "udder chaos." The cows, I guess, are made out of titanium, because the only one hurt by this disaster is Applejack. With her out of the picture, Big Mac resolves to do all of the harvesting by himself.

In part two, what we get is not Applebuck Season: Big Mac Version, but rather something else. When Alex and Spike go to check on him, he's out cold. He's already done most of the work, so Alex decides to be helpful and finish up what's left. His efforts are futile, though, as no matter how hard he kicks he can't get any apples to fall.

Back in town, Applejack has recovered from her injury enough to help her friends with their tasks. The difference here is that she isn't tired so her efforts are successful. The Doctor is trailing her, and is apparently keeping track of these alterations from the canon storyline. Outside of the story's description, this is the first real hint we've seen of an overreaching conflict. This story is finally going to have a plot! /unimpressed

Back to Alex, his efforts have only managed to make a single leaf fall. This leaf lands on Spike's nose, causing him to sneeze and send the tree to Celestia light the tree on fire. Alex snuffs the fire with clever use of an airtight shield spell, and Spike breaks down because he's worried what others will think of him. Alex takes the time to comfort him, and I must admit that it's nice to see them bonding.

They make a lame attempt to cover up the damage, which doesn't work, but they never had anything to worry about. Applejack isn't mad, and that particular tree was no big loss.

Applejack laughed. “That was the only tree you bucked? Well...” She started, “We call this tree the leg breaker… There’s only one in the whole orchard. She’s stiffer than anything I know. An’ the only way to get her apples, are to climb right up and pick 'em out.”

Alex frowned. “Are you saying that for almost two hours, I bucked the one tree in the ENTIRE orchard that can’t be bucked?”

“ ’Fraid so, Sugarcube.” Applejack said, trying not to laugh.

Alex sighed, then walked over to a tree next to the one he had been trying on. He raised his hind legs, then bucked the trunk. And, of course, the apples fell out.

Amusing.

Despite heavy evidence, I've held off declaring Alex to be the most dreaded of things, the Gary Stu. Here, I'm glad that I did. Sure, he still exhibits symptoms in that direction, but the key difference is that they make sense in context, and that's all that really matters. Alex is already known to be a magic prodigy, so his knowing the shield spell isn't a big stretch. He might already be expressing the sentiment that he loves it here in Equestria, but that happens after he had good fun bonding with Spike and getting bested by a tree. It all worked out in the end, so he has reason to be happy.

Hopefully, this will be a 'turning point' for the story, but I'm still skeptical. I want to see how the romance plays out, and that part of the story hasn't started yet. It's still quite painful to read too, as the constant telling and perspective shifts make it hard to follow. It's gotten to the point where if I see telling, I just skim over it. I shouldn't have to actively avoid what's written to remain immersed in the story. That's just bad.

More drinks!

Drink 42: In part one, Alex starts off feeling tired and wanting to sleep. He's obviously the perfect match for Rainbow Dash, as the two of them will do nothing but sleep constantly.

Drink 43: Oh look: another immersion-breaking meta joke courtesy of Alex:

Alex looked down at the ground, then over to a café table not far away, where he could see a glass of water vibrating. He couldn’t help but laugh at the cliché moment.

Drink 44: The author is so proud of his bad pun ("udder chaos") that he repeats it in bold text in the author's notes. I'm sorry, but it didn't moove me. It's not worth milking like that. In fact, it should be put out to the pasture. Have you herd enough?

Drink 45: After having recently suffered 'multiple fractures' in one of her legs, Applejack still agrees to jump on Rainbow Dash's seesaw contraption. Even with three good legs to land on, that's still going to jostle her bad one. Ouch.

Chapter 7: Griffon the Brush Off

This episode had most of its scenes cut, and we get a much more condensed version. Alex is with Spike when Dash spooks them with a thunderbolt. Spike gets the hiccups and laughs about being pranked, but the whole scene is awkward because Rainbow Dash does not like Alex very much.

The next scene is the one in which Fluttershy is backing into the busy market while leading baby ducks and bumps into Gilda. Naturally, our hero jumps in to the rescue. Rather than letting her yell at Fluttershy, he feels the need to levitate her, magically clamp her beak shut, and call her a pervert. Why does he call her that?

“Oh, it's something I learned in high school," Alex laughed, "Make enough inappropriate jokes about your enemy, and they'll always lay off."

Hey, Alex! You're a bigoted, pompus, weather balloon that's so bloated it can't even solve a 1x1 Sudoku puzzle! Did it work? Is this story gone? Crap. It's still there, isn't it? Well, it was worth a try.

Of course, Dash gets mad because Alex upset her friend. Pinkie, who'd seen the whole thing, sides with Alex and comes up with a plan for a party that would 'out' Gilda for being a meanie. Way to warp Pinkie's personality to suit your needs there, story. It's bad enough that Alex's bullying of Gilda is portrayed as better than what she would have done to Fluttershy (hint: it's not), but Pinkie's now playing favorites by placing Alex's feelings above those of Rainbow Dash (and Gilda too, I suppose). Plus, the whole 'conspiracy party' is needlessly complicated, as she has to get all of the guests except Gilda to avoid the pranks while keeping the whole thing secret from Rainbow Dash.

Well, the party works as planned, and Gilda storms off. Instead of penning a letter to Celestia, they then go on to complain about how unfairly Dash has been treating Alex.

“That’s fine…” Pinkie said, thinking about Alex for a moment. “I already knew she was like that though…”

“What?” Rainbow asked surprised. “How did you know?”

“Well… I saw what happened between her and Alex at the Market,” Pinkie explained, “She was being really mean to Fluttershy! And Alex told her to stop!”

“She was going to start screaming at me…” Fluttershy piped up, “He made her leave me alone…”

“And he only used his magic to protect Fluttershy!” Pinkie added, “Not because he wanted to push Gilda around!”

Taking all of this in, Rainbow Dash realized what she needed to do. “I... should probably go.” She said as she quickly headed out the door.

Rainbow was about to head to the Library to find Alex, but her attention was pulled to a hill a short distance away when she saw the silhouette of somepony in front of the setting sun. And, luckily for her, she could see that this pony had wings and a horn. It was him.

Yay for saidisms... not. I'm pretty sure that Celestia is trolling us by putting the sun there. Joking aside, it's good to see some scenery, even if it is hamfisted.

Having realized the error of her ways, Dash apologizes to Alex and they agree to start over on their relationship. Of course, the first thing he does is make fun of her name, and she responds in kind. Unlike what led up to it, this scene does not feel rushed or forced in any way. They're starting to act like friends, and that's the best possible basis for love.

Just in case we forgot about the inevitable shipping, there's also this:

Narrowing her eyes, she looked him over, almost as if she was checking to see if he was lying somehow. Leaning into within an inch of his face, she looked right in his eyes.

Being this close to her, Alex couldn’t help but notice how good she smelt. She smelt like... roses and vanilla. He always figured she'd smell like, well, a horse? Regardless of that, he couldn't help but notice that this smell seemed to perfectly match her eyes.

Her beautiful pink eyes…

Maybe he should lick her. She probably tastes like cotton candy. I'll let this slide because he's found every pony attractive thus far and the omniscient narrator isn't telling us that Dash finds him attractive yet. It's still too early to tell if this story's on track for slowly building a relationship. Alex's obvious attraction might get in the way if he tries to rush things like what apparently happened with his human girlfriend.

Speaking of her, Alex isn't showing any sign that he actually cared about that relationship. Sure, she broke up with him in a bad way, but that's no excuse for not mentioning her ever again. That hurts Alex's depth of character and makes him appear shallow.

Open the tap!

Drink 46: The chapter begins with a Cupcakes reference, where Pinkie drugs Alex with a pastry.

Drink 47: Alex expresses shock over the fact that Pinkie likes pranks, despite the fact that that's the only thing she's done to him since he arrived. What, exactly, did she drug him with?

Drink 48: So much for ponified curses—Alex mentions 'hell' and swears by the name of Jesus.

Drink 49: Why is it that the self-insert always beats up Gilda? I mean, really.

Drink 50: Why yes, the answer to all of the world's problems is conspiracy parties! Why didn't anypony think of that before? Pure genius!

This next chapter is labeled as an interlude called The Doctor.

Here, we learn of The Doctor's motives and what he knows.

He starts off in Canterlot enjoying the party after the wedding, but then a huge temporal disturbance changes everything. In this new timeline, Discord emerged victorious and turned everypony who could oppose him into stone. The only one he spared was someone he called 'the foreigner.' The Doctor tells the TARDIS to take him back in time to to when the changes began, and he arrives on the night after Nightmare Moon was defeated. He's seen changes since then, but hasn't been able to pin down the source. It's also worth noting that his past self is missing.

Drink 51: The Doctor must be the worst forensics expert ever. How hard is it to miss an extra alicorn walking around town? Alex can't sleep that much, can he? Just to show how stupid this is, I'm pulling a quote from back in chapter one where Alex explained his origin to Celestia:

By the time he was done talking, just about every pony in town was there. They had been standing around him listening as he explained where he had come from, how he was a human, about when he found the bright light, and how he woke up in Equestria. He explained that he had caught on to the girls trail and being able to follow them, then he mentioned the serpent, then the bridge, and eventually, the fight with Nightmare Moon.

He's not exactly trying to hide!

Chapter 9: Hillside

Rainbow Dash and Alex sit on a hill talking to each other, and they both realize that they're hopelessly smitten with each other.

Wow. That was fast. Do you remember when this story joked about rushed relationships? Well, the joke's on us, because that's exactly what happened.

To use a weather analogy, let's compare Dash's prior hostility to a dying cold front. A system like that can provide the impetus needed for tropical development (romance) if it moves into favorable conditions. That takes time, as thunderstorm activity has to organize and persist, the core has to warm, and development can easily be stunted by wind shear, dry air, and cooler sea surface temperatures. Once a tropical system does develop, it can rapidly intensify from there. This story, however, decided to skip a few steps and rapidly intensify the dying cold front directly into a major hurricane. Sure, that's better than pulling a hurricane straight out of clear, blue skies, but it's still not realistic.

Let's open the bar.

Drink 52: Alex jokes about ponies randomly breaking into song and dance despite the fact that he actually hasn't seen that happen yet. The only song thus far was the laughter song and he missed seeing it because he was too busy crashing through the woods.

Drink 53: Dash is already using a pet name for Alex, 'Spot,' and it's a better name than 'Alex.'

Drink 54: We interrupt your regularly scheduled small talk to blast you with the shipping cannon, courtesy of the Death Star.

Blushing slightly, Dash looked up to thank him for the complement, but as soon as she looked into his eyes, she immediately forgot what it was that she was going to say to him.

Alex hated how gorgeous her eyes were. He knew that he could get lost in them, normally he would have looked away, but she was so absorbed in him, that he took the opportunity to absorb himself a little in her.

After a few moments of the two staring at each other, Dash finally started to come back to her senses. Realizing how close together their faces were, she abruptly pulled away and laughed nervously.  “Whoa! Would you look at the time?” She said looking at a drawn on watch on her ankle, “I think we’d better be getting to bed!”

“We?” Alex asked jokingly, knowing full well what she actually meant.

“Wha— N…No!” Dash stammered “It’s just late, and-and… I think we should be heading to our own beds! Because I DEFINATELY don’t want to sleep with you!” Widening her eyes at what she had just said, she stammered on, trying to correct herself. “But- You’re- I’m not saying that b- because I don’t like you or anything! Because- I’m- I’m sure you’d be very nice to sleep with... ugh...”

Drink 55: My initial hunch was correct, as the narrator colorfully informs us that Dash has found Alex attractive all along.

Chapter 10: Boast Busters

Trixie's arrival in town distracts Rainbow Dash and Alex from thinking about each other, and they gather along with the rest of the town. I've been fairly lax about complaining about the lack of detail in this story, but I now have the perfect example to give.

Alex walked into the thick crowd that had gathered in front of a stage that could only have been built within the last few hours.

“Who did this?” Alex asked a pony who was standing beside him.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie!” The pony responded excitedly.

“The what-now?” Alex asked confused,

“Shhh!” The pony said to him, “She’s coming!”

Ah yes, this is truly one of the greatest works of literature ever created. Can't you just feel the hustle and bustle of the "thick crowd?" Isn't the excitement of the gender indeterminate pony standing next to him truly palpable? Aren't we awed by such vivid details like that stage which had to have been built within the last few hours? Truly, narrative like this is well-crafted, and completely immerses us in the wonderfully vivid world of black text on a white background. Why I applaud you, story! For this amazing achievement, you deserve a very special award:

Trophy

Aren't you proud?

Anyway, Trixie irritates everypony with her boasting, and requests challengers just like the episode. Applejack can't compete because her leg still hurts, so Rainbow Dash and Rarity step up with predictable results. Alex didn't like seeing his waifu humiliated, so he also challenges Trixie even though he knows he'll probably lose.

Trixie hits on Alex for some reason, uh, I wasn't expecting that. I guess you could say that it happened out of the blue, because she's a blue pony, and she pulled it out of her—okay, sorry, that was bad.

Is this going to be used as an excuse to bring Trixie back again later? I doubt that Trixie would appreciate being used as a third wheel to help prop up the romance between Dash and Alex. Trixie hates wheels. Alex rejects her (duh) and before Trixie can begin humiliating him, Twilight intervenes.

“I’ll face you.” Twilight said, deciding she didn’t care if her friends thought she was a show off, Alex wasn’t ready for this kind of fight. “He’s only a student to magic. I’m his teacher.”

Twilight clearly doesn't care about about worthless noponies like Rarity and Rainbow Dash, but OH NO! NOT HER STUDENT! She's obviously going to abandon her modesty and nonconfrontational attitude for that reason alone. I mean, she's just copying her mentor whom she idolizes' teaching style. Celestia jumps in all the time to shield her student from potential problems, right? What? That never happens? And Twilight has no reason to act like this? Meh, Twilight's characterization in this story is a lost cause, so I guess this is par for the course.

Trixie goes first, and brings literal meaning to the term 'upstage' by levitating the stage. When Twilight goes next, she uses the same magic that overtook her when she earned her cutie mark, except here, she can control it. Trixie is massively humiliated and leaves town.

Uh... if Twilight could do that all along, then why did she even bother with the Elements of Harmony? She could have just turned Nightmare Moon into a potted plant and be done with it.

Ugh. I'm going to call it quits here. This story is beyond boring. Here are the last few drinks before the summary:

Drink 56: This chapter begins by recapping the previous chapter twice.

Drink 57: My hunch that Alex never cared for his human girlfriend has been confirmed, because she's only brought up to downplay his feelings for her, and he doesn't even bother to refer to her by name. Nope, she's just "his ex-girlfriend back on earth."

Drink 58: Spike takes dating advice from a self-admitted virgin.

Drink 59: This chapter ends by recapping the next chapter, whereupon Spike will be shipped with Rarity.

Yes, I know that I'm stopping fairly early in terms of the story's overall length and plot development, but I've read enough of it to get a feel for how things are playing out (about 48k words). Before I move on to the rating and awards, I'd like to discuss a few aspects of this story.

Characterization:

Canon characters in general: They behave reasonably in-character for the roles they play in the story. Mostly, this is just due to the fact that they're following the script for the show, but even when they aren't, they still behave like themselves. Spike as Alex's straight man is a perfect example of this. There is one notable exception to this, though.

Twilight's characterization sucks: It seems a bit odd to have one character stand out, but I think there's a fairly simple reason for this. That's because Twilight herself can be seen as a Mary Sue. However, Alex has usurped this role, even to the point of stealing her sidekick. Thus, this story doesn't know what to do with her. It wants to turn her into a Celestia clone, but she still has to play her part in the episodes. What we get is a strange mishmash that simply doesn't work.

Alex: Since this story's all about him, let's go in depth here. Here's how the narrator described him: athletic, smart, generic, and a nice guy. How does he actually behave? He sleeps all the time, his intelligence is questionable, he's a blank-flank alicorn human in Equestria (about as special as it gets), and he's a reasonably nice guy. Well, it did get one thing right.

His depth as a character is also fairly shallow. His being a human has added noting of note, and gets wasted by throwing away his past life after the first chapter and hardly ever mentioning it again. The only real thing that hasn't been resolved yet is his unwillingness to inform the ponies of his dead parents. That drama bomb hasn't gone off yet.

There was no adjustment period for Alex where he gets used to life as a pony. Thanks to "instinct" he's a 100% perfectly functioning pony and only the "extras" (magic/flight) require any thought. The one or two things that do actually bother him (such as his reluctance to eat "gross" pony food like hay and flowers and his still believing that the world isn't real) are only briefly mentioned but never developed.

Speaking of character development, Alex's only motivation in this story appears to be his wanting to sleep all the time. After the last two chapters, he still wants to sleep all the time, but with Rainbow Dash. Joy. Riveting.

Since I brought her up, let's talk about the romance.

Romance:

To start with, we'll begin with Alex and his human girlfriend. It was never explained what she saw in him, but from Alex's perspective there was no basis for this relationship. He very clearly did not care for her, and all he saw in her was a sack of flesh that his hormones wanted him to have sex with. No wonder she dumped him.

Now let's bring up Rainbow Dash. I understand that we've only just scratched the surface of this 'epic' lifting-of-tail, but what little I've seen raises some red flags. In story terms, Alex has been there for around three weeks, I think? He spent most of his time sleeping, but when he wasn't doing that he was hanging out with Spike, learning magic with Purple Clone, or visiting Sugarcube Corner to indulge his totally-healthy human diet of cake and apples. He never saw Rainbow Dash except to antagonize her further.

Then, in one day: They make up with each other, give each other pet names, become completely smitten with each other, and are already talking about sex. In fact, they're thinking about sex too. So what's left for this relationship? There's (a), confessing those feelings to each other, and (b), acting on them. Oh, and at some point, they might want to stop to get to know each other on the off-chance that they might not actually like each other. Currently, what does Alex see in Rainbow Dash? A colorful sack of flesh that his hormones want him to have sex with. Can you see why I'm nonplussed about this? It would have made far more sense to let them develop a friendship with each other first. As it stands now, the relationship appears to be built on sexual tension, and it's way too early for that.

That's a huge leap for day one, so the only way to keep things moving slowly is to shift focus onto other characters (false pacing) or to create contrivances which get in the way of the romance (Trixie is smitten!). Well, if you like your romance cheesy and hamfisted, this is the story for you. Otherwise... pass.

Is Alex really a Gary Stu?

There are many signs which point to 'yes' here, and it's easy to pull quotes from the story to support them. Yet, there's another, more important measure of stu-dom, and that's the degree to which you want to flay the character alive and slowly eviscerate them upon an open flame.

Personally, I can't see myself wishing more harm on this version of Alex than a few papercuts. So by that measure, no, he's not a Stu. He only avoided this fate for two reasons. First of all, the story isn't entirely about him. It does take the time to develop side characters (mostly Spike so far). Secondly, this story is oddly non-judgmental. It doesn't try to force any opinions down our throat.

Take for example the issue of human/pony superiority. Most HiE stories can't resist taking a stance on that issue and using the story to deliver that message. What do we get from this story?

“There’s no magic in my world, or at least, I don’t think there is… Ponies are just unintelligent animals, people don’t break into song and dance for no reason, there is a LOT more violence in my world than yours, No one is just nice to each other for no reason… Except maybe in Canada…” Alex said, earning a strange look from Dash, he then continued, “Grass is NOT what they eat, people aren’t able to fly, or defy gravity, or make whatever they want happen…”

A joke about Australians.

Well, okay, maybe it is a little judgmental, but it doesn't get on a soap box and lecture us. It also doesn't change the episodes for the sake of improving them or to spotlight Alex. It changes them because Alex's presence causes ripple effects which wind up snowballing. He isn't intentionally trying to change things, and that's the important part.

Technicalities Matter:

This is the real reason I opted to cut the review short. It's simply too arduous to wade through bad writing. I've harped on this stuff already, so I'll summarize here:

• Tag your story correctly! Crossover stories or stories involving humans must have the corresponding tag. (This is an actual Fimfiction site rule.)

• Learn how to punctuate dialog properly.

• There's poor attention to detail. When we don't have enough information to properly picture a scene, we're not going to be immersed in the story.

• There's too much 'telling.' Lay off the informed attributes and show us body language (or describe the feelings) instead of spoon-feeding emotional states.

• The narrator schizophrenically suffers from dissociative identity disorder. Please pick one perspective and stick with it for a whole scene instead of constantly jumping around all the time.

•

Altogether, this story isn't what I'd call a vein-busting, skin-splitting, teeth-rattling, hair-flaming, brimstone-snorting, rage-inducing abomination, but neither is it a good story. At this point, it'd make sense to just slap a 'Meh' rating on this thing and move on, but there's another aspect of this story that I haven't really addressed yet, and that is its overwhelming following. In the time since I took the screenshot, it's grown by 10 likes, and 2 dislikes (I haven't rated the story).

So even in its current state, with its poor writing and bland start, it's still able to attract new followers. I don't really want to disparage people who like this story by claiming that they have bad taste, but what it really boils down to is a matter of bring-your-own-investment. The lazy narrative makes little effort to connect the readers to the story, so if you want to enjoy it, you'd best enjoy the concept.

Still, I applaud those who have dissented, and let that red blob serve as a warning: there are other stories better than this one out there. Since the writing isn't what I'd call good enough to attract followers on its own, this means that the concept of a HiE turned alicorn and Element of Harmony romancing Rainbow Dash (of all ponies) must be popular enough to float the story.

And that is where I break down. Yes, this story has floated to the top, but is that really such an accomplishment when the thing that it floated to the top of is the toilet?

I need drinks. Lots and lots of drinks...

All told, the first ten chapters of this story by themselves are well worthy of 59 drinks from a fine beverage of your choice. (If you didn't choose water, you chose poorly.)

Honest Attempt Medal

This story does have the potential to be something decent, but it needs a lot of polish to get there.

Trophy

Poor attention to detail.

Retread Tag

Almost everything on the author's profile pertains to Off the Record in some way. Heck, he even started a rewrite!

Awkward Romance Award

The story deserves this for Alex and his human girlfriend. While Alex and Rainbow Dash got nuked by the love-at-first-sight trope, they could still theoretically recover from that. I just don't care enough to read on and find out.

Research Failure Award

If the story bothered to check its math, it would have ended in chapter one when Alex tried to jump across that crumbling bridge.

Conspicuous Contrivances Award

Random portal to Equestria, just so happens to be an Element of Harmony, Trixie is randomly smitten, to name a few.

Train Wreck In Motion Award

If I wasn't reading this for the purpose of writing a review, I would have literally stopped at the first paragraph. That's how dull this story is.

"Anthropologist Approved" Stamp

Yes, this is, in fact, a human in Equestria story.

Cliché Collage Trophy

Yes, this is, in fact, a human in Equestria story that has been done to death.

Attention Whorse Medal

Yes, this is, in fact, a self-insert human in Equestria story that has been done to death.

Good Sport Ribbon

Pulled from the requests folder.

Rage Break Medal

I give up.