"I don't know. I guess." I picked at my teeth with a knife. "I think your subjects still hate me. Bunch of fucks." I stabbed the knife into my desk. "You have a toothpick or something? A straw? I feel like an asshole doing it with a knife."

Celestia shook her head and looked around my office. "I give you a room and this is what you do to it." She took a deep breath and levitated a magazine off my couch. "Looking at mares?" She looked through the magazine a bit and walked to my desk. "Hmm. I must admit those do look good. The little socks without hoof coverings--"

I spun around in my chair. "Leg warmers."

"Yes, those." She set my magazine down and looked around. "Hmm. This reminds me of Parks."

I shrugged. "Who?"

"Second marriage, three foals, two daughters one son dead upon a miscarriage. Several thousand years ago...." She sighed and stretched her neck. "Some ponies you just remember." She sighed heavily and looked me over. "You actually remind me a lot of Parks. You were both vulgar as a stuck pig."

I shrugged. "Sounds like an asshole."

Celestia turned to me and cocked her head. "Really--"

"Yes really. I'm not saying it like it's a good thing either! I know its a bad thing, but its a hard habit to break." I picked at my teeth and leaned back into my chair. "Like you and the bug thing--"

"I don't like them, Able! You don't like lizards--"

"I fucking hate lizards." I leaned forward in my chair. "But you were freaking the hell out when that tick--"

Celestia stamped her hoof. "I don't like bugs, Able! That tick was just...right on my tail and it was disgusting and gross and I didn't like it!" She turned her head up. "I've been covered in one of my soldier's entrails, bugs will always be worse." She shivered hard and flung her wings out. She knocked a cup of pencils onto the floor as she swung away. "Not that watching my ponies liquify is a good thing...."

I picked up my pens and set them back down. "Alright." I crossed my arms and looked back to her. "So, you're begging me to ask about this Parks guy, right?"

Celestia tucked her wings back and turned to me. "Able...you just really remind me of him."

"Well, you married him." I shrugged. "You seem to like people you try to fix."

Celestia rolled her eyes. "I do not--"

I pointed to myself. "Seriously? Then why me?"

Celestia took a deep breath. "You're physically appealing, and I think I can hel-- Damn!" She grew a bit pink. "No, but I feel like we've both been through some rather difficult, if not similar, times. And worst comes to worst, I wait you out ninety years then move on."

I leaned back in my chair. "Wow, seriously?"

Celestia nodded. "I've only had to do it once. It was a political marriage, and he never touched me...." She grumbled to herself. "We was a massive homosexual...."

"Ah, that'll do it." I let out a long yawn. "Still though, you've done the whole dream thing, and the not trying to kill me thing...and the talking thing...and the hugs....." I rubbed my arm. "You've done a lot for me, but I don't get why."

Celestia walked up and bopped me on the head with her chin. "Because I care. And I want to see my subjects happy."

I stared at her. "Seriously, cut the shit."

Celestia sighed. "Because you're going to head down a road I walked a long time ago, and I don't want to see you head down that road. Because I've seen you try to apologize, and its honestly one of the sweetest, most awkwardly cute things I've ever seen." She nodded curtly. "You stole flowers at midnight and delivered them first-hoof to Rarity's room. You tried to give her one of my vases because you made her cry." She nuzzled my head. "Able, you're not a bad person, you're just dumb."

I felt my cheeks burn. "Don't ever say any of that in public."

"Oh Twilight knows." Celestia rolled her eyes and hopped up onto my couch. "Rarity knows, Luna knows, everypony knows what I think." She smiled at me. "Seems like you're the last to figure it out. And oh my, are you red."

I rubbed my cheeks and shook my head. "Hey, how about you eat a dick?"

Celestia shook her head. "Pants off lover, pants off."

I cringed back and crossed my legs. "That's...a joke right--"

"We're in your office." She smiled and yanked the cord on my blinds. The room went dark as she stared at me. "I could strip you down and lick you all over until you cum in my mouth. I could treat you like a toy. I could tie your hands and blindfold you while I gently lick you to climax."

I scooted my chair away from her. "Jesus...."

"Does this make you uncomfortable?" Celestia stepped off my couch. "A little dominance from a mare and you blush? Did you blush when you went to war? Did you blush while your commanders bent you over and rammed you full--"

"What the fuck man?!" I stared at the white mare slowly sneaking up to me. "Seriously, that's like...fucked up!"

Celestia straightened out and fixed her tiara. "Oh you haven't seen the stories Twilight wrote, have you?"

I uncrossed my legs. "What stories?! What the hell!?"

Celestia started giggling. "Oh yes, she's been writing some rather vulgar stories recently, one was about you and the envoy from Canada." Celestia giggled to herself. "I think she likes your kind, or maybe its you--"

"The twink from Toronto?!" I shook my head. "I'm gonna have to talk to her about that." I crossed my arms. "Why me though?"

Celestia shook her head. "You're just the most aggressive one she knows, so she bases her dom characters off of you."

I felt my skin creep. "Eugh...I really don't like that."

Celestia laughed. "Oh its great fun. She's getting rather good." She smiled. "The last one she sent was one of a human named Zee and a mare named Twinkle Shine." Celestia laughed gently. "She's writing porn of herself, and to be honest its a rather good read." She turned to the door. "It reminds me of The Lusty Barmaid, from back when I was a filly."

I shrugged. "No idea what that is."

Celestia turned back to me. "She's writing a character that's basically her, getting serviced, rather roughly in the last one, by males." She smiled and nodded. "She accidentally sent me the wrong letter and there was just a cock on the page." She smiled and shook her head. "I'm not even sure whos it was. It was just a meaty pony dick on a scroll, and the next one was, Can I have that back? Sorry I didn't mean to send that." She giggled into her hoof. "I kept it."

"Ow, my pride."

Celestia rolled her head. "Well would you rather I just strip you off and help myself whenever the thought struck me?" Celestia cocked her head. "No? Then don't complain. I'm certainly not complaining about this." She walked back over to me and poked the magazine with her hoof. "Although, those mares are much too small. I should get you a Fetlock magazine, those mares are about my size."

I shrugged. "I never really think about women getting horny, okay? I was always too busy trying not to get my balls shot off." I tapped my foot on the floor. "And I don't need porn. I was just bored and--"

"Did you masturbate to it?"

I bit my tongue. "Yes, sort of."

Celestia smiled at me. "Oh?"

I shook my head. "Look, its not a big deal for men. Women its like this whole big deal and you gotta wash up after. A man, you just grip and go, wash your hands after and you're--"

Celestia blushed and looked down at my groin. "Have you ever autofellated yourself?"

"Whowhat the fuck?" I put my hands on my head. "What?"

Celestia smiled lewdly. "Have you ever given yourself a blowjob? I know its something some stallions can do."

"Umm, no. Humans cant do that." I crossed my legs again and looked to my window, the sole source of light for the light-grey room. "Why are you in here?"

"Because we were talking." Celestia sat down and levitated my boots next to each other. "I don't think I've ever been in here since I gave you this room. Its like a little look into your brain. Your messy, sweaty, cluttered brain." She sniffed the air and scrunched up her lips. "Smells like stallion in here."

I shrugged. "I haven't taken my laundry out. Probably that. Or the jacket." I rubbed my arms. "Are you feeling--"

"I'm thinking about cock now." She laughed to herself. "I think I'm going to find that picture."

I put my hands up. "I'm right here."

"Yes, but you're busy, and I can't let you try and be dominant after seeing you blush like that." She giggled and flicked her tail at me. "Actually, wait here, I'm going to go get that picture, you wait here and I'll be right back."

I held my hands up. "Why do I want to look at dick!? Go fuck yourself! Like, go jam a dildo in yourself until you're not as bothered!" I crossed my arms and rubbed my face. "Christ its hot in here." I took a deep breath, I grew a bit hotter at the sharp upturn to my voice. "Christ...." I rubbed my eyes and tapped my foot on the ground. "I don't blush--"

"You're still blushing sir." A guard walked in and dropped off a letter on my desk. "What happened?"

I took a deep breath. "I don't know. I need to get a lock on that door."

The guard flicked his tail. "Did you actually steal flowers at midnight?"

"Eh, kinda."

The guard snorted. "That is kinda sweet--"

"Twelve laps or I'm going to have your rations reduced."

"Damn...."