Author's Notes:

So... This took a while and it's not because I added a lot to it. The advent of a social life and talking to people kind of ate up my time, but I can't say it wasn't well spent. That being said, my slippy dip ass only added 5k to this chapter in total, but I probably removed 2~3k before adding all the shit in with a different flair to it.

Little changed about Max's time in the Everfree, but his relationship with Applejack and the conversation that clarified his status with the Apple Family was completely redone. There were a few more minor things, but the main bit is that ya boi got lost after making nice with some country folk.

Fuck mornings, fuck cooking and fuck having to get out of bed. I woke up on the wrong side of everything with no idea why, but I was quite moody and it was shaping up to be a good day to do a whole lot of nothing. I made something to eat, got showered, shaved, and dressed and went to go find some kindling for a bonfire I was going to have later that night. Everything was nice and dry due to the fact that Rainbow fucked the weather so hard nothing else got any rain. That being said, while I was marching through the flooded marsh that was the area around my house, I wondered if there was even a dry enough patch for a bonfire. I found one somewhat close to my house and got started with some dead-fall and standing-dead from the Whitetail Woods. There was something to be said about the cabin-style I came up with, but I can’t say I was lucky enough with standing-dead to not have to find the axe in my shed. I’d worn the shittiest clothes I had for the task, though it was still dirty, sweaty, and satisfying to get that bitch as tall as I was. After I had the base structure, I carefully added a tepee-shaped thing made out of dead-fall to the middle and had a little trouble stacking the rest of what I’d collected into the bonfire. The tepee held and there was still the perfect gap to fill the part I’d left open, and with that, my Man Card had several points added to it and I wasn’t complaining about the four extra hairs on my chest that sprouted as a result.

I kid, of course. Probably.

With my tepee waiting for guests, I added some Spanish Moss, pine splinters, dried leaves and twigs, then topped it off with scrapped paper from my home. It would be quite a spectacle if my guess was correct, and I was actually pretty eager to get some people together to enjoy the sight with. The day was a touch on the warm side, but Pony measurements were basically Imperial and I assumed that fifty-nine degrees in Hoofenheit was the same as Fahrenheit, which was equal to around fifteen degrees with the correct way of measuring temperature. In fairness, my people started the shite, but that was damn near two-hundred years before I was born and Americans had plenty of reasons and time to switch over like everyone else. Shithead Yanks.

With my sour mood somewhat abated by some effort and results, the thought of throwing crumpets and muffins at Americans while they threw scones and cornbread crossed my mind and I got a giggle out of it. There was some downtime that I did some writing in, but I ended up doing a little more than I’d expected to. I still had to check with Twilight about the title of my story and see if I could get her to read it, though I still had some doubts about it. There’s always a different book for every person and I was pretty sure that she was immune to the effects of smut, at least, in the way that I wrote it. There wasn’t much of a point in having her read my book if she wasn’t going to enjoy it. It wasn’t smut per se, but there were still steamy bits within that would deter the reader if they weren’t into it, and I felt no desire to push Twilight into reading my work if she didn’t want to. I really needed to find someone as educated as Twilight that could help me work out some of the kinks in my bullshit. However, I doubted that there were many people on the planet that could rival her sheer intellect and apropos for academic things in general. Perhaps I could write something more along the lines of an adventure story?

After arriving at Twilight’s in the late afternoon due to my slow start in the morning, Spike, of course, was the one to answer the door. “Oh. What do you want?” He asked testily.

“Here to see Twilight, but I think we need to talk more than I need to talk to her. Wanna take a quick walk?”

“No.”

“Look, Spike, you’re a kid, I’m an adult. We have different lives and different opportunities. There are thing you can do that I can’t and I’m sorry that Rarity’s tastes lean toward my side, but I don’t control that-

“Oh, shut up.”

I leaned in. “You wanna run that one by me again?”

His eyes widened. “... Are you threatening me?”

“Twilight didn’t raise you to be a little prick. You can either accept Rarity and what she wants or you can live in your fantasy where she spoon-feeds you mare’s milk, a.k.a the world where I was wrong the entire time. I’m not going to put up with you being a shit head just for trying to do you a favour.”

“You’re the shit head!”

“No, I’m the guy that told you that your crush was too old for you. I’m the guy who said what no one else was willing to.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have told me!” Spike continued blocking the way into the Treebrary.

“So you’d rather live with longing and wait until…? What? Rarity gets married and your chance is gone anyway? Because you’re a decade younger than her, Spike. She’s getting to the age where an adult settles down and you can’t even buy wine yet. And speaking of things you can’t do, you can’t justify being mad for me trying to let you down easy.”

“... I liked you better when you shut up.”

“Fuckin’- Just either go get Twilight or get out of the way. You’re a teenager, not a baby. Act like it.”

“No, I don’t really feel like it.” He slammed the door in my face and it took more self-control than I’d like to admit to not rip the goddamn thing off of its hinges and beat him to death with it.

I took a breath to calm myself and stepped back. I circled around the Treebrary, chucking pebbles at the windows until I got a response. A few times, it was Spike shaking a fist at me from behind them, but after the fourth time, he opened the window and I couldn’t control myself: I threw the largest rock I had as hard as I could and it whistled past his head, barely missing the fellow. I heard something break inside and Twilight shouting, so I went back to the front door and knocked again.

Twilight was the one to answer. “Maximus Gadai! Did you throw a stone through my window!?”

“Yes. Yes I did. I’ve been trying to get your attention all morning, and Spike has been quite the cheeky little cuntfuck. I asked to see you and he denied me entry into thine arboreal abode.”

“Well, he’s a mad teenager! What did you expect!?”

“I expected you to respond to having your windows pelted by pebbles. Honestly, Twilight, take some interest in the happenings around your home for once, will you?”

“That- No, I’m not even going to respond to that. How are you going to fix my vase?”

“I’ll pay for another one if that’s what you’re asking. Otherwise, I’ll do it with glue and plenty of time.” Wait...

“You can’t buy another one like that! My big brother got that for me when I became Celestia’s student, and it’s one of a kind!”

Am I really gonna have to point this out? “Don’t you have a spell or something that can fix it? I’m no expert, but a quick repair spell should do the trick.”

Twilight blushed and rubbed her head. “I hadn’t thought of that. I was mostly just upset that somepony threw a rock at my vase.”

“Yeah, sorry for that, love, but I was aiming for Spike’s forehead.”

Her eyes widened. “Max!"

“Yes, I know! I shouldn’t have let my anger get the best of me, and I already regret it, so let’s skip the Aesop and get on with our fable-filled day, yeah?”

“I-I…” Twilight huffed and shook her head. “I honestly don’t see how ponies deal with you on a regular basis.”

“You’re one of the ones who do, so you tell me. It’s probably easier since I’m more lovable when people aren’t pissing me off at every turn. You know, I tried apologizing to Rarity and she threw me out of her shop, but before that I did Spike a fuckin’ favour. Now he’s still acting like a salty little prick. What happened to the whole ‘apologizing fixes everything’ deal you guys had going? What happened to ‘appreciate what people do for you’?”

“I don’t really know, but I think your actions probably had plenty to do with it. How did you apologize to Rarity?”

“I said I was sorry for the things I actually was sorry for. She also wanted me to forgive Pinkie then and there, but I didn’t feel like it. It would’ve meant nothing if it wasn’t in my heart.”

“... I see your side of that, but nopony likes it when you insult their friends.” … You fucking cunt.

“And yet you and most of our friends jump at the opportunity to jab at me any time.”

“We do not!” Twilight protested. I gave her a flat look and she balked. “Well, maybe we do it a little more often then we should… ”

I took a deep breath and let it out. “Your double standards astound me sometimes. I find it to be quite frustrating when people expect me to uphold standards that they themselves won’t abide by. It pisses me off.”

“I don’t do that, do I?” Twilight asked softly.

“Not that I’ve noticed. I shouldn’t have implied that you yourself do that. My bad.”

She sighed a breath of relief. “I’ll talk to Rarity-”

“No, don’t bother. If I can’t get her to see my side on my own, then I’ve failed her as a friend.” Or she’s failing me. I shouldn’t have to fix this. “I’ll give her some distance and try again another time when my relationship with Pinkie is looking better. After all, I’m rather sure that’s what’s causing her to be such a twat.”

“I know that word is an insult, but I don't know what it means, so I can’t tell you not to call her that.”

“Great. Remind me not to tell you what cunt means either.”

“... Yeah, no. I want you to explain that one.”

“Nah, I don’t feel like it. Instead, why don’t we get on to the reason I’m visiting in the first place?”

“I suppose we could do that. What brings you over? It’s not just a normal visit, is it?”

“It is, actually. I pretty much just wanted to ask for your help in naming my book since I’ve finished it. Was thinking of calling it ‘A Single Breath’.”

“Hmm… Without reading it, I can’t really say if it’s appropriate.”

“Does that mean you’re interested now?” I raised my brows and leaned toward her.

“I’m not sure. I’m still upset that you broke my vase and threw a rock at Spike! In fact, I’m very upset about that.” Twilight glared at me. It was adorable.

“You’re too cute when you’re mad, love. It almost makes me want to mess with you some more just so I can see how cute you get.” I grinned at her.

“Rarity put it best when she said you were insufferable. Have a good day, Max.”

“Damn. I’ll try again some other time, then. Take care, Twilight.”

I walked away and wondered what the hell I was going to do now when it suddenly struck me like a bolt of lightning stroking the rod of genius. There was a big thing that needed to be set on fire, and if I was going to have a big fire, then I was going to need snacks to partially burn. I didn’t need any more wood, but I did need something to eat while watching flames, though I figured that without Twilight the activity would be less fun. However, Fluttershy and Applejack would probably be happy to come and I could probably have them invite some people around town to fill the space. With that in mind, however, I kind of didn’t want to bother with the bullshit since it was just going to be me, myself, Kaid, and not-my-brother-Max with a pair of friends. I decided to hold off on it until more people weren’t pissed at me. Another thing occurred to me and it was that I should invite Celestia and Luna over to have a little fun. I used to liven their days up on the regular and now they were missing their daily dose of vita-mans, so I figured that I could write them a note. After I prepared for a party I wasn’t going to have.

I still needed more snacks for my own purposes anyway. And getting lawn furniture ahead of time seemed like a good idea. With something to do in mind, I headed over to the local bank, withdrew some funds, and set out to get what I needed. Sadly, the store I’d visited before didn’t have much in the way of outdoor furniture, but I bought a few deck chairs to replace what I had lost, a chiminea (standalone outdoor chimney) for shits and giggles, and another wicker table. It cost me quite the pretty pound, but I thought that it was worth it to a point. Being frustrated that I’d spent so much money was kind of shitty, but at least I didn’t have to move my shit all by myself. I had some mover fellows take it back to my house for me and continued on with my shopping. It was a pleasant day, all things said. If you gloss over the Twilight’s poor vase and Spike’s petty rubbish, that is.

There were a few more things that picked up, but the most important thing was a statue of a Timberwolf and a Manticore in the middle of a battle. It resonated with me for some odd reason and I think I saw myself as the Timberwolf. IT was obviously the underdog, even with all of the benefits it had going for it. However, the Timberwolf was cobbled together with magic and was fighting a being that had been born strong, a natural apex predator that was deadly from birth to breaking point. The Timberwolf, however, had collected stronger branches to fortify itself, and I identified with that. I’d been trying to make myself better for months on months now, trying to pick myself up and dust myself off when I could. I’d sought out the strength that I’d had and had worn my blows with as much of my pride that I could hold onto, but the Manticore? It was born whole. It was born strong. From conception, it was a threat, but the Timberwolf crafted itself and fought its way to being a worthy opponent. It was a reminder to myself of what I was, what I had come from even if I could officially go out and blow two hundred bits without worrying about it...

After a few hours of decorating my house with my crap and trying to spike a watermelon (I just drank the liquor when it didn't work), I started feeling worse about the thing with Spike and angrier about the thing with Rarity. On one hand, all I’d done was try to help the kid see what he was ignoring and on the other, I tried to make amends when I shouldn’t have had to in the first place. It was infuriating to say the least, but there were a thousand things I’d rather do than start messing up the good thing I had going for me. Thus, instead of strolling on both of them like I wanted to and would’ve done prior to Gryphonia, I sat and thought about some stuff. Nothing really came to mind, but I did realize that I just didn’t like Rainbow Dash. It was a random, errant thought, but for all intents and purposes, fuck that bitch. End of story. End of Entry.

I wrote out invitations to both Celestia and Luna, inviting them to come and drink whenever they had the time. Celestia said that all I needed to do was ask, but Luna herself was kind of hesitant and wondered if I had some kind of ulterior motive. When I was honest and said that I missed her sexy arse, she responded with a direct insult that got her called a cunt and we wrote back insults that didn’t really seem to have any ‘bite’ behind them. She was a pretty cool person if you could get past the barbed comments and archaic vernacular, but she was a bit of a loner all the same. Hopefully, a little get together could help her get out there a bit and make some friends, but I worried that her stature as a princess would get in the way of her actually befriending anyone.

Look at me, being all thoughtful and shit. Fucking disgusting. Or endearing. Maybe I’m not that bad of a g- Shit, I laughed too hard. Way too hard… Applejack was right. I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I guess… I guess I just thought that being a better person would… I dunno, feel different. I thought that being a nicer, better guy all around was going to come along with some grand feeling of release or freedom and I still feel somewhere between trapped by my past and my own inner demons. It’s… It’s not hard to see that I’ve done good things for the right reasons. I’m more open these days. Friendlier to strangers. Less angry in general, and nowhere near as ready to lash out. However, it all kind of feels like I’m bullshitting myself into thinking I’m a better guy when I feel like I’m still the same piece of shit, but… Would I really have let the fight with Applejack go in England? Fuck, would I have even told Spike that his crush was pointless and tried to get him to go for someone closer to his own age? Because honestly I feel like I could’ve just… I feel like there was a time when I would’ve laughed in his face and told him that I could call his crush up and talk shit to her before convincing her for a shag. A time when I would’ve fucked Twilight without either of us being drunk, despite knowing that she was a virgin. I know for a fact that I would’ve, actually. With how much I liked her? The level my crush was at? Me being me, I could’ve manipulated her into my bed and kept her there for however long I wanted and…

… Maybe I am already better than I was…?

While on the train of thought, I wondered if I really should throw a party and show everyone that I could be a good guy that was amiable and ready to mingle… The thought became a reality and I figured that I could bear writing a few more invitations, so I wrote one for Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, Lyra, and Zecora. I also wrote a few for Spike, Rarity, Pinkie and Big Mac, despite how rocky our relationships were. I figured that extending an olive branch would be a nice thing to do, and with any luck, smooth out some of the stones in the road. If anything, it felt like I was stepping up to be the bigger man and that made me feel a little something I wasn’t fond of. Granted, I was also trying to be a less shitty person, but still. Being nice to people that showed me contempt wasn’t something Kaid would have done… However, Max? Max the good guy? When I looked inward and saw that I had actually done more changing than I thought? I realized that life’s too short. I didn’t invite Rainbow because fuck that house-wrecking bitch, but I’m sure I’ll understand my thought process when I read through these again. In any case, those I had invited were at least on half decent grounds with me, and since Pinkie apologized properly I could give her a pass.

I wondered if Spike or Rarity would show up, but their attendance wasn’t terribly crucial. In fact, the only people I really cared about coming were Twilight, Flutters, AJ and the Princesses. I like Lyra well enough, but I wouldn’t be sad if she had other matters to attend to, and the rest were invited for politeness' sake anyways. If nothing else, I had plenty of snacks to spare. Looking back on it with that great filter known as hindsight and retrospect, I had really loaded up on them while shopping and would probably try to pawn them off on Applejack and Twilight if no one showed up at all. Well, I’d rather donate the leftovers, but apparently the homeless population in Equestria are all fucking hippies like you wouldn’t believe. They’re some great people to get to know from time to time. When they start chewing salted shrooms and asking for alcohol, however, it’s a good idea to skit-skat and skadoodle. Dehydrated Ponies are supposed to be some kind of hard to deal with and I already struggle with the ones I interact with now.

After sending off my notes, I picked up where I had left off on the workbench I had been making before Rainbow fucked my day up and managed to get it constructed in the space of a few hours. It wasn’t the prettiest thing, so I sent Applejack another note, inviting her to come inspect my workmanship when she had a chance. It was about five at the moment, so if she did come we would only have a couple more hours of natural light to work with. I did have a light on the back porch to help with visibility, but working in the dark never seemed that appetizing and I wasn’t too fond of having her come and help me with handy-stuff when I knew she had plenty to do at her place. Maybe I could lend a hand to her in another way and figure out something to pay her back. A bottle of whiskey probably wouldn’t hurt.

I faffed about for an hour before Applejack showed up at my door. She smelled of apples and a bit of cinnamon, but it wasn’t like she was particularly odorous. It was good to see her and I said as much on sight. “Hullo, glazed apple fritter. How’s the day gone for you?” I gave her a winsome smile.

She returned it with an insincere one of her own. “Just peachy! Never had a better one.”

I raised a brow and let my smile fall. “... You know you’re awful at lying, right?”

Applejack sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. “I know. It just hasn’t been a good day, Sugarcube, and tomorrow’s lookin’ rough too. One of them doors on the barn fell off, which got me behind on fixin’ up Big Mac’s cart, which meant that we couldn’t get our apples back from the orchard, which meant that we had to carry everythin’ by hoof n’ hand. Then Granny laid into me because I didn’t clean my room, but I didn’t even have time to do it between tryin’ to fix everthin’ and get the scheduled work done, so I don’t even know what the old bat wants from me, and even then my room wasn’t dirty when I looked at it! And to top it all off, Big Mac started some nonsense about Apple Bloom talkin’ to ya and that didn’t exactly end well. We ended up makin’ the poor filly feel somethin’ awful. Now she thinks you’re some kinda evil, gonna try an’ hurt me an’ Granny, and she thinks you’re a creep!”

… Damn. That’s shite. “Wow… It has been a… A very shiteful kinda day... You didn’t have to come, Applejack, but maybe I can make the sunset a little more special for you?” I grinned a little, welcoming her in.

“Mhm, and just what are ya gonna do to brighten it up? I been sweatin’ all day, Sugarcu-” I hugged her and she tried pushing me away, though she didn’t try that hard. “Did you not hear me!?”

“Pony sweat smells like food and drinks, and you,” I let my nose rest in the crook of her neck, “you smell delicious. I’m not letting go until you hug me back.”

Applejack laughed and gave me what I wanted, so I let her go and she gave me a smile I knew was true. “You’re the sweetest when ya wanna be. I needed that hug, even if I wanted to get a shower before ya went and put your lips on my sweaty self.”

I shrugged. “Eh, it is what it is. Thanks for making the time for me, Applejack.”

Her smile went from wide and friendly to teasing. “No problem, Maxxy. I just didn’t wanna keep ya waitin’ so I rushed over once I got my stuff done up so ya wouldn’t hurt your precious little spider fingers-”

“Oi! You liked them well enough!” I laughed, but it took me a second to notice that I was rubbing my hands. I’ve always been a little sensitive about them, and that’s basically the only thing I’ve ever been touchy with about my appearance.

“Max, ya got long, delicate fingers like ya play piano or somethin’.”

“My fingers aren’t that delicate! They’re slender, unlike some mare’s blunt meat-mitts!”

Applejack folded her arms and stuck her tongue between her teeth. “Meat-mitts? Now Max, that’s just rude, dontcha know? I’ll have ya know that these hands have rubbed-”

“Mac’s prostate? I figured.” I nodded, sighing.

“Prostate?”

“A man’s G-spot.”

She whacked me gently, so I pinched her nose and she just let me do it, her voice coming out nasally. “That’s just nasty, colt.”

“Says the filly with a finger up her nose.”

“They’re on my-” I poked inside her nostril and her face scrunched up as she giggled herself out of reach. “You little ass!”

I snuck into her reach and picked her up by the thighs, beaming all the while as her eyes shot open. “Hey, you’re nowhere near heavy. I thought you’d be built like a sexy marble statue, but you’re more like a firm, cute, muscle-plushie!”

Applejack just stared at me for a moment. “Uh…”

“Yeah, I’m a strong bloke now. This is fun.”

“Yeah…” She held on to my shoulders, leaning back a little.

“Oi, Applebottom?”

“Yeah?”

“Guess what.” I started walking us further into my living room with a destination in mind.

“... You don’t really care that I’m sweaty?”

“Not untrue, but uh…” I slammed her onto my couch and watched her panic as she bounced. “Oh fuck! That was great!”

Applejack sat up and cracked up, pulling me into her lap and snuggling me. “You’re such a goof, ya know that, Max?”

“And you’re such a cute, you know that, AJ?”

She spun me sideways and stole a kiss from my ‘unexpecting’ lips. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, not half as cute as you. Was there somethin’ ya actually needed help with, or are ya gonna try to put moves on a mare when she smells like a hard day’s work?”

I let my arm wrap around her shoulders and gave her the saucy eyes. “Well… I’ve got some wood I could use your opinion on.”

“I hope ya mean that workbench.”

I chortled a bit and gave her a peck on the nose. “I do, but it can wait. Is there anything you need help with?”

“Ah, not real- Well, iffin’ ya can pick me up… I still gotta get another wheel put on that cart, but that shouldn’t be too hard, just be time consumin’.”

“Well how about this; We go back to the farm for a bit, I try to get that wheel on the wagon, you get the grime of a hard day’s work washed off, and we sit Big Mac, Granny and Apple Bloom down so we can talk things out?”

“I dunno, Max. Big Mac still doesn’t like ya much and the wheel is awful heavy for a non-Earth Pony. I’d let ya help, but I don’t think ya stand much of a chance doin’ it all by your lonesome. Have you ever even wheeled a wagon?”

“Does Apple Bloom know how?”

“Well… Yeah?”

“If she’s half as goofy as you, then I’m sure I could figure it out. Especially since your goofitude didn’t stop you.”

Applejack gave me a look. “I fell like you and me got different definitions of goofy.”

“You probably get tempted to take the spokes off the wheels and use them as heavy hula-hoops.”

“Nope, same definition.” The look she gave me melted into a wry grin. “Ya might be hung, but there ain’t a hole small enough in that wheel to feel any kinda goof for ya.”

“Why, Applejack, I would never put my wood in wood! What if I got splinters!?”

“Speakin’ of wood, how the hay did ya get so strong?

“I died, came back to life, and was made stronger.” I leaned into her.

“... I beg your pardon?”

“Yeah, I can kick Rainbow’s arse now if I really want to, but I’m only at a ‘kinda’-”

She frowned. “Whatever, who cares about fightin’? We got more important stuff to talk about. Did you just say you died?”

“Yeah. Drank a potion I had Zecora make for me and Fluttershy. She can talk to animals now and it killed the fuck outta me. Celestia and Twilight managed to bring me back, but a creature called a Leshy made me tougher while I was floating about out of my body, and now I’m about as strong as a normal pony. Not a bad trade if you ask me.”

“See, when you say you died, I have an awful hard time believin’ that seein’ as how you’re not, you know, dead!”

“Ask Twilight and Fluttershy. I was properly dead for a good twenty or so minutes before Celestia brought me back to the world of the living.”

Applejack stared at me soundlessly before she started breathing shallower. I stood by and watched her with an amused look on my face. When she finally stopped her nonsense, she slapped her face with both hands and shook her head. “Seriously, Max. Did you really die? You’re not tellin’ me some tall tale?”

“Yup, dead as a doornail. I’m surprised Fluttershy or Twilight didn’t mention it to you.”

“I’ve been so busy at the farm I haven’t really had the time, but I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this sooner, ya hay-brained mook! What the hay is wrong with you!? Did you not think I’d want to know that I almost lost a-a friend!?”

“I didn’t tell you because I forgot. I don’t consider it that big a deal, love. I died, came back to life, and I’ve been carrying on normally, so why would I freak you out by telling you about it? I know I’m handling it better than most-”

“You’re talkin’ about it like you stubbed your toe or somethin’! What the hay is wrong with you!?” Applejack grabbed my arms and shook me.

I took her wrists and got her to stop, putting every digit between us on my thighs. Well, my hands were on hers, but still. Cupping her face in my hands, I gave her a quick peck. “There’s a lot of things wrong with me, Applejack, but since I’m alive, there’s no point in panicking now. Breathe, relax, and let’s get a move on back to Sweet Apple Acres. We don’t have all day.”

“I thought I had you figured out… How... How are you not terrified that you died?” She asked, exasperated.

“I never said I wasn’t, I’m just dealing with it better than I could be. I don’t see the point in losing my shit over it since I’m still here, so you shouldn’t worry about it either. It was just another event, love, and I made it through. Like I told Sunbutt, don’t get worried until I do.” Not that I was all that worried. I think… She kinda has a point.

Applejack rubbed her temples and got up, shrugging off the hand I tried to put on her arm. She left and waited outside with the door open, leaving me to follow her as we trekked back to her home. I could understand her frustrations, but I wondered why one of the most level-headed women I knew freaked out over something that had essentially helped me. IT weighed on my mind for the better part of a silent kilometer, so I decided to ask.

I jogged to catch up to her since she was walking at an elevated pace. “What’s going on, Applejack? I thought you of all people would keep a cool head about this.”

She stopped suddenly and I could see tears in her eyes. “What do ya expect from me, Max? Do ya want me to just let the fact that one of my friends almost died,” Bitch, I was dead, “and didn’t tell me about it!? Do ya want me to just forget about it and move on like it never happened in the first place!?”

I blinked. “Well, uh… Yeah, actually. I apologize for not telling you about it sooner, but this is the first time I’ve seen you since it happened.”

Applejack’s frown deepened. “I don’t wanna lose ya, Max. Not after I almost killed you.”

“I thought we were going to forget about that.”

“I know you won’t and you damn well know I can’t! You might a’ got better and ya might ‘a forgiven me, but it made me realize just how precious life is, Max! And here you are, walkin’ around and talkin’ like you don’t even care about it! Like I almost ain’t lose ya! Like ya almost didn’t come back!” Tears almost got to fall from her eyes before she wiped them away.

Now fool. Hug the fuck out of her. I thought, therefore I did and held her tightly, even as she actually did try to push me away. “Applejack. Just let me hold you, love.”

She relaxed a little and grippeed me right back, slowly freaking out in fits and spurts. “... I don’t wanna lose ya…”

“I know better than most how precious life is, Applejack, and I know how miniscule my own is in the grand scheme of things. I’m happy I’m still here, that I can still spend another day with you and the girls, but I can’t just let the fact that I was gone impede my life. It just wouldn’t accomplish anything.” I squeezed her a little tighter “I could break down and be a complete mess. I could stop cold, shut myself in my house again, and make sure I got left alone so that I could panic in peace without a soul there for me to pull me out of that spiral… It’s just not how I want to live my life, love. It’s not how I want to remember these days.” I held her at arms length and wiped the tears from her eyes myself. “... Thank you for being concerned, but you don’t need to be. I’m alright. I made it through and it didn’t hurt one bit. I’m okay, Apple Bottom.”

Applejack hugged me again and spoke from my shoulder. “I don’t get you... Ya make sense most days, and when ya explain it like that it makes sense, but... Dyin’ isn’t supposed to be somethin’ ya can just get over, Max... It’s…” She let the rest of her breath out. “I don’t even know. I really don’t.”

“Well, I don’t think you can really tell me what death is supposed to be like since you’ve never died.”

“You know what I mean...”

“Yeah, but you’re being a worrywart and I don’t think Ponies can even get warts.”

“IBuckbone. You got me more stressed out than I was.”

I gave her a peck on the cheek. “I’m told that it’s a special talent of mine. Hopefully, I don’t get a tattoo on my arse for it.”

“A little color never hurt anypony, especially since you’re kinda off-white just about everywhere.”

“Hey, I have different pigmentation in different spaces!” I grinned.

She chuckled and let me go, calming down with a little banter. “Right. Can we get a move on? We don’t have much light left.”

“I’m waiting for you, love.”

Applejack took a deep breath, looked at me for a long moment, and then we were on our way. She was still somewhat quiet on the trip over, which I blamed on the heavy news I had casually tossed at her. I found it mildly annoying that I was the one who died and my friends were taking it worse than I was. Like shite, I went to Hell! I have no clue how long I was actually there, but if the fuzzy memories were anything to go by, then it was far too long for my tastes. Actually, I wasn’t too sure about where I had gone when I died anymore, and reading through my notes made me feel like I was tripping balls while I was writing, but He had said that it would be like that. I trusted myself to accurately relay what had happened in my journals, but I was starting to doubt myself more by the day. I lost myself in my thoughts while we walked and eventually ended up bumping into Applejack when we reached the gates of her farm. She gave me a funny look and I commented on how magnetic her personality was, which got a chuckle and a little smile out of her. A brief smooch on the cheek told me that I’d covered myself decently, even if she knew I was just flattering her.

Now, I’d seen a couple farms in my day, and other than the architecture, I wouldn’t call Sweet Apple Acres one by a long shot. Seeing as how it was predominantly an orchard, the ‘farm’ misnomer never really made sense to me. Ever since I suggested that Applejack get rid of her animals since they were pointless, I found it even more confusing. I had never followed up to see whether or not she had actually seen them out, but I imagine that Macintosh would be quite the brick wall when it came to changing certain things about their lifestyle. I couldn’t really blame the fellow due to the fact that it was me who suggested it in the first place, but I was hoping that Applejack could make the fellow see reason and save them some money. Hope didn’t count for shit, apparently, since I could still smell animals on the breeze.

It really wasn’t my problem, so I shrugged it off and followed Applejack into her home, taking the time to have a proper look around. The last time I had been here, it was to visit Applejack while she was languishing in her misery, and the time before that, she nearly punched me to death, so I never really paid attention to the decor in the farmhouse. It was nice, rustic place that reminded me a bit of the cottages around Bristol or Bath, but far larger on the inside than you might think. It was decorated warmly with light and dark hardwood furniture, which gave it a very homey feeling, like the farmhouse was well looked after. Plenty lived in, very loved. It reminded me that Applejack’s grandmother, Granny Smith, was older than dirt and had been one of the people who had helped build the place. There’s something to be said about frontier workmanship, but I don’t believe much of it’s good. Although given how old the place was, it should be no surprise that things were constantly falling apart. I could do something about it and wondered if I’d be able to convince Applejack first, then move onto Macintosh.

Applejack waved a hand in front of my face. I realized that I had been staring off into space and grinning to myself as I thought. “Hello? Dragon Fire a friend?”

“Sorry, love. Just having an idea hatch. How would you feel about me building another house on your land?”

Applejack blinked twice “What?”

“I have the funniest feeling that you talk to your sister way too often.”

“What?”

“Did she get this from you?”

“... What?”

Oh, here the fuck we go. “What does Fluttershy look like?”

“Max, what-”

“What!? What ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak Equuish in ‘What’!?”

“What!?”

“Equuish, you little ninny; Do you speak it!?”

“Wha- Yes! We’re speakin it right now!”

“Then you understand what I’m sayin’!?”

“Colt, yes! I under-”

“Now what does Fluttershy look like!”

“What!?

I jammed my finger into her face, acting like it was a gun. “Say what again! Say what again! I dare ya! I double dare ya, Miss Ninny! Say ‘what’ one mo’ gahtdamn time!”

“Ma- I- Uh- She’s… She’s yellow?”

“And!?”

“She- She’s a Pegasus?”

Granny peeked out to see what the commotion was, but I was on a roll. “Does she look like a whorse!?”

Applejack stared at me. “... What.”

I seized her shoulders and licked all over her face, tasting apples and a bit of salt. “Does she look. Like a whorse!?”

“... No. Not only no-”

“Then why you try to buck her like one!?”

Her jaw dropped. “I-I didn’t! Max, y-you know I ain’t do that!”

“I know.” I started giggling my fucking head off.

Apple Bloom popped her head around a corner. “Hey- Oh. It’s you. Are ya doin’ that silly bit ya did with me with Applejack now?” He sister turned to look at her, then looked back at me.

“Yeah, actually. I didn’t want to swear at you, so I censored it a lot. You and Applejack say ‘what’ a lot.”

“... Okay?”

“What country are you from?”

Applejack thumped me a good one. “Hush, you silly, goofy, nutty, looney stallion!”

I started giggling again. “Ah, it’s really upsetting that I can’t even show you the movie I’m referencing. I don’t think you’d like it, but it’s a modern classic on Earth.”

“Max?”

“Yes, Apple Bottom?”

She pinched the bridge of her nose. “No, we ain’t goin’ there right now.”

Granny cackled her evil little cackle. “It sure does look juicy, don’t it, Max?”

Applejack gave her Grandma a look that was countered with a solid ‘Wipe that shit off your face before I slap it off.’. “Granny, don’t encourage him… Please?”

“What if I want great grandbabies?”

“Get ‘em from Mac.”

“Wouldn’t mind some from Max.”

“Granny!”

“I’m a’ goin’... Don’t nopony love ol’ Granny an’ her wily ways no more…”

“Granny, I-”

Granny sniffled, pretending to wipe a tear away. “Nah, it’s okay, AJ… I’m jus’ old and in the way…”

“Granny! That’s not true!”

“Applejack, she’s playing you so hard my heart’s breaking. Granny Smith?” She gave me a dirty look. “Yeah, that’s not very amusing. You know how Apple Bottom is. She thinks your serious and thought she hurt your feelings.”

“Spoil-sport.” She grunted.

“Go make me some dried apple pie and I’ll eat it whole.”

That got her to crack up and go the fuck away, leaving Applejack to give me like, the tenth most annoyed look I’d gotten from a blushing woman since being on Equus. “Max, ya oughta hush before I hit ya.”

“Eh, never mind that. I want to build you some temporary lodgings so we can do some renovations around the farm. Get the barn fixed up properly, no more squeaky floors in the house, all that faff. What do you say?”

“Yeah, no. I appreciate the offer, Sugarcube, but I don’t think anypony in Ponyville has the scratch for that. There’s just too much work to be done, and what you’re talking about would take months-”

I cut her off, looking her dead in the eye. “Not with the power of a Royal Operative pushing for a hasty completion and plenty of dosh to back it up. I don’t know what all needs to be done around here, so I’d put you and Macintosh in charge of overseeing, but believe me when I say I have the scratch for that. You’re talking to someone with more wealth than some nobles, love.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, the guy who been here for less than a full year has that kinda cash to throw around. It’d be more expensive than you think-”

“Over ten thousand?”

“Ha! If I had them kinda bits, I’d get a pair a’ boots for every day in the next ten years on top a’ gettin’ everything fixed!” Applejack had a quick giggle.

I shrugged. “Excessive, but how much would it actually take?”

She stopped laughing. “... Holy crap, you’re serious as a heart attack, ain’t ya?”

“Friends take care of friends. I hate seeing my friends struggle when I can do something about it. I don’t have many people I don’t want to punch, and I rarely want to punch you.”

“... Max…?”

“Yeah?”

“... How many bits do ya actually have?”

“Fu-huck.” I inhaled through my teeth. “Um… Enough to buy an actual estate in Canterlot, fill it full of crap I don’t need, and then still not have to work a day for the rest of my life. According to Sunbutt, that is. Seriously, when I say I can get by just fine without the bits it’d take to make your life a little easier, I mean it. It wouldn’t be a handout. I’d expect booze. Like, good fuckin’ booze as a return on the investment. Maybe we could…” I tapped my chin and swallowed once I realized how much I was salivating. “Fuck… My own brand of bourbon…”

“... Max Gadai, you better not be playin’ with me right now.” Applejack answered in a soft tone.

“We can play different games that are a lot more fun. We just played the ‘What’ game. It’s serious time now, as in seriously; How much is it going to take to make it so you don’t have to do constant repairs on the farm? And if I invest in the distillery, can you put my name on the bottles?”

“... You legitimately, seriously, no jokin’ wanna pour bits into my home…?” She stared at me.

“I want my best friend to have an easier time of it than she’s been having. I want Granny to not have to worry about drafts, and that goofy little sister of yours to not worry about taking on tasks you shouldn’t have had to in the first place. Big Macintosh can suck my left nut because it’s dry, but I-”

“Max.”

“... I know… I just want to help the woman who’s done so much for me, AJ. I can’t pay Celestia back because she already has everything she needs. I already paid Twilight back. I already paid Rares back. I haven’t done a damned thing for you or the old gal who did so much to ease my mind when I first got back to town.” Applejack started tearing up again and I panicked. “No, no! You don’t understand, I- Er, I just… Applejack…” She hugged me and I hugged back.

“Shuddup ya nut…” She sniffled a little. “... I don’t need nopony to take care ‘a me and I ain’t never… I ain’t never heard a pony offer somethin’ like that to somepony that hurt ‘em…”

“Have you ever heard a friend value your comfort and peace of mind-”

“No! Nopony… Nopony ain’t never said nothin’ like that… And- And just knowin’ that ya meant every word…”

Granny peeked her head out from the other room again. “Hey, stop canoodlin’ in the livin’ room!”

“Oi, old lady! Are you in charge around here?”

“Colt, I’m in charge everywhere I go.”

“Damn, I knew you were awesome. I’m gonna hire some people to do some work around the house. Call it an investment, call it recompense for all your family’s done for me” Applejack squeezed me tighter and it was a little hard to breathe. “Urhk!”

“Maxxy, that’s a little expensive-”

I gave her a strained smile. “S’all good. Got too much money anyhow.”

“Well, how ‘bout ya keep your bits and spend some on a ring?”

Applejack let me go and turned to the green grandma. “Granny! I ain’t marryin’ Max!”

“Not yet, anyway.”

“... You’re evil.”

“And I’m makin’ pie! E~vil pie!” Granny wiggled her fingers at us and chuckled her way back into the kitchen before poking her head out again. “And no canoodlin. In my living room. Got it?”

I slapped a hand onto Apple Bottom’s bum and squeezed, earning myself a blow to the leg. “Ah-ha- Cork! Cork in the thigh! Corked thigh!”

“Applejack, did ya really just hit somepony- Well, I guess I understand it.” Granny shrugged while I chuckled in pain. “Max, if you’re gonna grab a tail, I can give ya some pointers so ya don’t get hit.”

“What was all that about candoolin’ then!?” AJ cried.

A timer dinged. “Hm? Oh, I don’t count that as canoodlin’. Just don’t get all smoochy-kissy in there.” Applejack rubbed her temples as Granny disappeared one more time.

“Max… let’s go fix that wheel…”

“Yeah, in a sec. Lemme just canoodle my thigh.” I started rubbing it.

“You’re a witty, clever foal.”

“And you’re a surprisingly emotional mare. I thought you’d be easy-going and lazy, but here we are.”

“Hush.” She walked out of her house and I followed after making sure my leg wouldn’t seize up again.

We headed out and got the wheel put back onto the thing because… Well, it was the reason I fucking went there in the first place, so I kind of had to get it done if I didn’t want it all to be a big waste of time. I wouldn’t have considered the moments I was trying to lock into my memory time poorly spent anyway, but the wheel? The wheel was a bitch. Applejack lifted the cart and I put the damned thing on, though that’s a gross oversimplification. I then told Applejack that we were going to get the family a new wagon with flames painted on it and she tried to ask if I was being serious again. The new wagon was happening, but the flames were optional and I said as much. It got me another hug, but as we were about to re-enter the farmhouse, Applejack stopped me and looked me in the eye.

“Max… Ya know how I done told ya that you’re a better stallion than ya ever thought ya were?”

I raised a brow. “Friends help friends. Any one of the girls would do it if they had the funds to back it up, Apple Bottom.”

“Twilight comes from a rich family. So does Flutters. And Rares.”

“Is their family money their money? Because I don’t have family. I haven’t had a family since Maxwell died, Applejack. Everything I own was either bought by me in some way or given to me by Celestia. Either way, every bit I have is mine to do with as I please, so I’m doing what I want with some. I want to help my best friend. I want to get you some help on the farm. In case you haven’t noticed, I by and large do what I want.”

She bit her lip, a look in her eyes that I didn’t fully understand. “... Twilight might not be rich herself, but Rarity is, Max. Rarity is the Element of Generosity… Don’t nopony expect ya to be so kind, and as such-”

“And as I such, I defy expectations like I always have. Don’t expect shit from me; you’ll either be wrong or so right that you wonder why you don’t just let me do your thinking for you. Goofy. Goofy tuber.”

Applejack just looked at me, a sadness in her features that I didn’t want to see. “... Ya can’t, Max.”

“I’m going to, though, so shush. Actually, hush.”

“Max-”

“No. I refuse your refusal.”

“Mac ain’t gonna-”

“That’s why you’re going to tell him that I’m investing in the farm. And the distillery. And you’re going to tell him that you, personally, are going to bring me booze with my name on the label. Maxjack. Applemax. Maxlejack…?” I rubbed my chin thoughfully.

“Sugarcube… I can’t let ya waste-” She paused when I started glowering.

“Waste? Waste? So did you fucking waste your time picking me up from my drunken stupor? Did you waste your words on a man who needed to hear what you said? Do you waste yoiur fuckin’ life working on everything that breaks down around here? Hm? Hmm?” Applejack looked a little scared. “You wanna tell someone about wasting shit? It won’t be me, I fuckin’ assure you. I have never, not once in my entire Goddamn life, had the luxury of wasting shit. Time? Yeah. My own effort? Not on purpose. My fuckin’ money? No, Applejack, I never had money to waste, and if you say that I’m wasting my money on the farm, then that’s not up to me to make true. That’s up to you and your family. It’s one thing if I was going to build a statue on your land commemorating something dumb. It’d be a waste to buy up this seasons worth of apples just to let them rot because I’m not going to do much with them. It’s not a fuckin’ waste to invest in your friend’s future and well-being, because if it is, then I’ve never had a real fuckin’ chance to do it and that might be a lesson I learn down the line. I know you too well to think for a second that a single bit I spend on this farm is going to waste, and last time I checked, Applejack Apple? Not a liar. Fuckin’ terrible at lying. So tell me right here right now; Am I really wasting my money on taking care of someone I love?”

She stood there and her lips started quivering. “...I ain’t gonna sit here an’ letcha make me cry three times in one day, b-but-”

Applejack got her sappy arse hugged because I hate seeing my friends cry over something good. “Shut up and quit being bull-headed. Consider it a favour if you have to. A favour you can pay back in alcohol and some of your free time.”

My apple-flavoured, delicious-smelling friend hugged me back slowly, being gentler than I ever remembered her being. “... Thank you… Thank you.”

“Hey!” Granny shouted through the screen door. I gave her a look and she raised her brows before I could speak. “Fix yer face.” I fixed it. “Mhm. Pie’s cooled off. Wash up and come get some.”

“Yes ma’am.” I replied speedily because Applejack was still trying to fix her face.

“Were y’all canoodlin’? On my darn porch?”

“I’m making Applejack accept my investment in the farm, ma’am.”

“Ya sure it won’t hurt your pockets?”

“Got plenty to spare and not much else to do with it. Unless I can convince Twilight to let me buy Spike, I guess.”

“... What?”

Oh, come the fuck on. “I’m trying to buy Spike.”

“What?

“Fucking- Okay, I see where they get it from. I really do.”

“Max?”

“Yes, Granny?”

A red arse was in my future if her look was anything to go by. “You gonna swear at me again?”

“... No ma’am, I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Good. Go shower with AJ.”

“... I uh-”

“Go get naked in the warm house-rain, colt.”

“Yes-ma’am-right-away-ma’am.” I hid behind Applejack.

Granny snorted merrily. “Still got it~”

Applejack looked back at me, wiping one last tear from her eye. “Max, ya might as well just put that ring on my finger. Granny’s real fond a’ ya.”

“Mmm, I might if it means she doesn’t look at me like that again.”

She grabbed my hand and started leading me into the house with the scary lady. “C’mon, the stalls are private anyway.”

“Can we-”

“No diddlin’ the caboose in the showers!” Granny called as soon as I started speaking, the door barely open.

“I’m gonna diddle his, Granny!”

“That’s fine, Sugar! Tell me if it’s bony!”

I chuckled a little as I got dragged along, not really worried about getting ‘diddled’ until Applejack pressed her ear against a door further into the house. It wasn’t like I could hear anyone in the showers with my exceptionally decent hearing, but she just turned, looked at me, and walked in. She closed the door behind her and I waited a sec before going in myself, a little confused when I saw her standing there with the top two buttons on her shirt undone. “Max, this ain’t because I feel obligated. This is because I wanted to when you were in my lap at your house.”

I gave her a look and kicked the door behind me. “What, the shower? I understand the hatred of being sweaty-” Her hands cupped my face. “... Yeah, this is good too.”

My hands found her waist as we drew each other closer, a kiss between us feeling like… Feeling like… It had the same emotion behind it as the first time I kissed Velvet. Gratitude. Assurance. Acceptance. Appreciation and a touch of passion. It wasn’t a stiffening kiss. It wasn’t a precursor to sex. Applejack let me unbutton her shirt and take it off for her. I let her peel my shirt off of me. Her bra went, then our respective belts and trousers. The pants were next and then she lead me to a stall painted with her Cutie Mark. We washed each other. Head to toe; shampoo, conditioner immediately after, then we let our washclothes bathe the person we wanted to feel closer to. It wasn’t exploration because we already knew every landmark on each other. It wasn’t sexual, it was intimate. There was yet another hug for us to share once we were clean and it lasted until the water started to falter in its temperature. Applejack turned the shower off and we just looked at each other for a few more minutes without a soul in the world other than us. We didn’t kiss. Neither of us were aroused to my knowledge. It was just a moment of rapport that I’d longed for since breaking up with Velvet, and Applejack had unwittingly given it to me. The water slowly dripped from us and she instisted on drying me off first since it would be faster, so I let her and the strokes she passed over my form were zephyr-like. Enough contact to get me dry, and little else. When it was my turn to give back, I showed her the same kindness, the same softness thath she’d shown me and we got dressed.

It was beyond me to care about what hadn’t happened because I was glad for the moment as it was. Neither of us put our shoes back on, but we did dress each other. Applejack apologized for not having clean clothes for me, but it wasn’t like there was anything other than dust and a touch of my scented oil on them. However, dressing Applejack was interesting since she’d set out some silky forest green knickers for herself and a matching brazier. I complimented her taste in undergarments and she gave me a peck on the cheek for being sweet, leading me by the hand once more to the living room.

“Hey! Are y’all done diddlin’!?” Granny called.

“Diddlin’?” Macintosh’s voice was already annoyed. “Who- Oh! Not in-”

“Hush, ya overgrown colt.” Granny snapped. “Get over it. That’s gonna be your brother-in-law iffin’ I gots somethin’ ta say ‘bout it.”

“Granny-”

Applejack got my attention. “Hey, you alright?”

“Yeah, I was just eavesdropping.”

“They ain’t bein’ that loud.” She grinned, an amused look on her face.

“I got stronger and got some excellent hearing out of coming back to life.”

“In fact, bring y’all’s tushies in here! I’m makin’ ice cream to go with the pie!”

“Granny-” Macintosh started.

“Colt, you got one more time to tell me no.” Granny snarled.

I broke out in a peal of laughter and got up, taking Applejack’s hand on our way to the kitchen before she could get herself into more trouble by dawdling. Or the canoodling started. The first thing I noticed was the smell of delicious mulled cider in the air, carrying cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg right into my nose which made my mouth water for a taste of what the lady was making. The second thing I noticed was the smell of the aforementioned pie and I already knew I was going to be there long enough to get a slice, so that was nice. I swallowed twice and looked around before I saw the lady I was looking for. Granny Smith was definitely ancient with her pure white hair and multitudes of wrinkles that gave her the appearance of that old woman down the street who used to give me her scraps when I still lived with my mother. Just looking at her always gave me flashes of good memories and brought the taste of pecan and apple tarts to my tongue, and I was all too happy to let myself believe that she was going to let me fix up her house. Gladys Altham was a hard-headed old woman who didn’t let anyone do a damn thing for her and Granny was the same way, the similarities between the two women more evident the longer I spent around the latter.

In any case, I got to sit down across from Apple Bloom with Applejack to my left and Macintosh across from her. “No hanky-panky in the kitchen either, alright?” Granny said needlessly.

I shrugged. “You’re gonna get a noodle in your can if you keep it up, Granny Gorgeous.”

The old lady beamed at me. “Then why would I ever stop?”

Applejack laughed and patted my arm. “Now don’t you go romancin’ my Grandma, Mr. Goober.”

“You say that like I shouldn’t, Mrs. Tuber.”

“Are ya callin’ me a potato?”

“... You know, I love fried potatoes, but I was going for a yam.”

Big Mac snorted and opened his mouth. I assumed that Granny looked at him because her pupils shank and he closed off his body language. “... Glad ta have ya, Max.”

“Glad to be here, Macintosh. I’ve never actually sat down for a family dinner, so forgive my manners if they slip. I’ll try to stay on my P’s and Q’s-”

Granny came up behind me while I was talking and gave me a hug, her bony form not unwelcome. “Don’t worry ‘bout it, Sugar. You just eat your fill and worry about keepin’ your hands on the table, okay?”

“What if my leg itches?”

“Suffer through it.” She patted my head and started bringing stuff to the table.

Two or three different kinds of fried greens made their way to dinner, a medium-sized pan of… I’m guessing cornbread joined the greens, then there were cheesy potato medallions, candied yams with marshmallows, more bread that smelled divine but was crumbled up in a pan, and a few other delicious looking vegetarian things. I think the crumbled bread was stuffing, just American style without sage since I couldn’t smell it, but there were a couple pieces of onion poking out. All in all, it was a good fucking spread and I could wait to tear into it since there could have been some sort of prayer to go through. However, Granny just knocked on the table in a strange pattern and the three siblings answered in turn with parts of a reply. It was odd, but it was also kind of cool in a homey kind of way. I waited until Big Mac and Bloom had gotten their stuff before even bothering to reach for something I wanted, but Applejack pushed my hands away and made a plate for me, apparently having seen that I was eyeing the greens. The darker of the two was collard greens, and the lighter was fried spinach, both of which I wanted. I’d never had collard greens, but the slight bitterness to them? Delectable. Spinach was spinach no matter what you did to it and I loved that shite like it was a egg and cheese sandwich with onions, but the collard greens? I needed to get some and I even asked Granny for some tips on making the stuff for myself.

Opening the conversation with Granny led to her telling me all sorts of things while I ate, then Apple Bloom asked about me and some of the stuff I did, starting with, “Hey, Max? Were you in the showers with Applejack?”

Applejack herself chuckled and I shrugged. “She’s great as a back washer, especially since she’s not afraid to scrub your spine until it hurts. That’s how you know it’s a good back-washing.”

Bloom gave me a look after she swallowed her cornbread. “Canoodlin’.”

“No, Bloom, I really did just help him wash. It wasn’t like that at all.” Applejack shook her head, smiling as she got some squash. It was awful to me, but I still ate what she’d put on my plate.

“Oh. So… Is Max a perv?”

“Eh, sometimes. He’s also one of the sweetest, kindest stallions around when you’re in his good books.”

“Yeah, otherwise I’ll lick my finger and stick it in your ear.”

“Ew…” Apple Bloom gave me a disgusted look. “What does that even do?”

“Eh, here in Ponyland it’s a bigger di- Uh... Dumb. It’s just a generally dumb thing to do since you’re not supposed to touch a Pony’s ears, but on Earth, my homeworld-”

“Wait, so ya really do come from another planet?”

“Yeah. You ever hear of a Human before?”

“Well, no…”

“That’s because Humans live on Earth in different countries. I was from England, and in England, if you gave a wet willy to a friend, you might get hit or they’d just try to dry their ear out.”

“Sounds like a mean thing to do…” Bloom stirred some of her squash around.

“Oh, it wasn’t nice. It was just something you did to a friend to mess with them, like hitting them in the leg or slugging their shoulder.” Or bag-tagging them. Bag-Tag was a bad game to play.

“That’s not nice either, Max.”

I took a bite of delicious cornbread and shrugged. “Like I said, you only did it to someone you were willing to get hit by. A friend isn’t going to slug you in the face, but they’ll hit your arm or leg for doing it. I gave Twilight a wet willy once.”

Applejack jabbed my bicep with her elbow. “Yeah, I remember that. Just plain nasty.”

“So are some of the things that come of your mouth. The language you use! Such a fright for a gentleman like myself!”

“If you’re a gentlecolt, I’m a bonfire.”

“Well, you’re generally attractive and usually sweet, so yes, you are pretty hot.” I stated matter-of-factly.

She rolled her eyes and Bloom asked. “Are ya datin’ Applejack?”

We looked at each other. “Um…”

“Well-”

Granny huffed. “If they ain’t courtin’, they better be soon.”

“Granny, that’s not how it is!”

Apple Bloom chomped something or other. “I thought you wanted a nice stallion, AJ.”

“Max is nice, he’s just a foal at times.”

“Excuse you!” I scoffed. “I am what is known as a ‘Professional Jester’, and I would thank you to at least remember my career if we’re going to be cadiddling.”

“Oh, hush with your cadiddle.” Apple Bottom chuckled.

Mac looked at me. “Noticed the wagon got fixed.”

“Mate, that is one heavy wheel. We went round and round with that thing til we got it back on.”

Bloom giggled at that. “Cause it’s a wheel!”

“What? No, because it kept rolling without anyone pushing it. I think the wagon’s haunted. The ghosts of apples that have long since been eaten linger on the wagon~” I wiggled my fingers at her and she giggled some more.

“Ya don’t seem too bad. Goofy, but not a bad pony.”

“Well, I’m not a Pony so I can’t be a bad Pony.”

“... What?”

Oh yeah. We’re doin’ this. “What country-”

Applejack stuck a wet finger in my ear. “Colt, eat somethin’. You’re all skin and bones anyway.”

“And here I thought you loved the sound of my voice!” I dug my finger in my ear until it was dry.

“The accent makes it more bearable most days, but it’s dinner time.”

“Well, I got another question!” Apple Bloom said, clearing the rest of her plate.

I finished off my cornbread and tucked into my stuffing. “Shoot, little flower.”

“Little- I ain’t little!”

“You’re short, so you’re little. That’s just logic on a bun.”

“Max.” Applejack gave me a look.

“Speaking of logic, when have you ever seen an orange apple? And not an apple with orange bits, I mean an Applejack-orange apple.”

“Now you look here-”

I gestured toward Granny. “I’ve heard of Granny Smith apples and they’re green. I’ve seen red apples,” I nodded toward Macintosh, “and I’ve seen yellow apples, but never an orange apple. Are you adopted?”

“... Actually, yes.”

“If you weren’t such an awful liar, I might’ve believed that.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, what did ya expect?”

“Tangerinejack. Clemenjack. Oh, Cox Apples! I forgot about Cox Apples!” I snapped and pointed at her. “You’re a Cox!”

Granny’s teeth flew into her plate and Big Mac bit his lips and Applejack stared at me. “... Are you tryin’ to get me to stick an apple in your rear?”

“I might be able to squeeze the juice out of it with these buns of steel. Is that what you’re after? My bum and its abilities?”

“Too bony.”

“What’s wrong with bony!?” Granny said, picking her dentures out of her squash.

“It’s all well and good for you, but Max used to be a little thicker around the waist and it was nicer to hug.”

“Why would you hug my waist, hm?” I gave her a half-lidded look.

“What do- Max!” She shoved me and I swayed with it, coming back laughing.

“Definitely goofy.” Apple Bloom giggled, starting on the candied yams.

“So you see Max ain’t bad, right?”

“Well, I dunno if he’s a good pony or not-”

“I can’t be a good Pony for the same reason I can’t be a bad Pony. I’m not a Pony at all, Apple Bloomers.”

“... What?”

I looked at Applejack and she was already giving me a look that had a uterus within it. “I didn’t say anything yet!”

“Mhmm.”

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice! I’ll tell your delightful Grandmother what you did to my caboose in the shower!”

“I didn’t do nothin’!”

Granny clacked her teeth together. “AJ always been a little caboose herself, but I don’t think she was doin’ nothin’ to ya.”

My palomino pal sighed. “I can’t win for losin’ with y’all two in the same house.”

“You win ‘cutest mare’.” I offered.

She gave me a look that was ruined by her little smile. “Yeah, and you win the cutest nut award most places you go.”

“Oh yeah? Well you win Cutest Warm-Coloured Pony!”

“Isn’t Fluttershy yellow?”

“Eh, she’s more pastel than warm or cool.”

“Coppin’ out, I see.”

“Don’t get licked. Your face is apple-flavoured, so it’s not a problem for me.”

Apple Bloom had been giggling at us the entire time. “... It’s real nice to see you like this, Big Sis. I ain’t seen nopony mess with you like Max does, especially without gettin’ hit.”

AJ blushed a little and rubbed her neck. “W-Well, he don’t never mean no harm when he’s playin’ around… Some stuff just comes out jerky and ya gotta ask what he was gettin’ at.”

“Oh, don’t laude me like I’m some kind of nice person! I only put that blanket over you so I wouldn’t have to see that ugly mug when I came out of my room.”

“And yet I’m the cutest ‘warm-coloured’ mare, right?”

“... Well, those are my words alright. They taste like gin.”

“Someones a little sloe.” She jibed.

“Yes, this from the ever-sour puss over here.” I scoffed, munching the last of my stuffing.

“I ain’t no sourpuss!”

I sniffed the air. “... Huh… That’s odd…”

Granny looked at me a little strangely. “Ya smell something, Fido?”

“Just lemons and the dust of old mares, but the lemons confuse me more. There’s probably a dusty old gal somewhere around here.”

“Who you callin’ dusty!?”

I smiled salaciously at Granny, “Why, it could never be the cute little minx at the head of the table. It’s probably Big Mac.” Granny and I looked at him as he just grinned and shook his head.

Applejack glared at me and shot a glance toward Apple Bloom. “Don’t be like Max, Sugarcube.”

“Eeyup.” Macintosh put his two shillings in.

Apple Bloom rubbed her cheek. “He already said he ain’t a good pony-”

“Because I’m not even a Pony!”

“Didn’t AJ say it best when she said ‘Hush, goofy’?”

“Someone’s about to get put into a tree.”

“Ha! Joke’s on you, I can climb trees!”

Applejack snorted. “Mhm, ya just can’t get outta one.”

“Hey, AJ, what ever happened to that stallion ya beat up?” Apple Bloom asked innocently.

Apple Bottom looked like she got hit, so I came in for the save. “He got better and is currently stealing yams from your plate.”

Apple Bloom gave me a look. “Ain’t nopony-” I quickly stole a bite from her. “Hey!”

“Hay is for bony little Ponies. That’s why Humans eat egg sandwiches and spinach.” I let the yams take over my taste-buds, the sweetness of the yams themselves and the marshmallow being lovely. “Mmm, they taste better from someone else’s plate.”

There were chuckles around the table and the atmosphere grew jolly again when we came around for dessert. There wasn’t much that wasn’t delicious other than the pie crust, but even that was still good and a little more than just normal crust. However, I’ve never really been one for apple pie, as much as I love the smell. That being said, I kept stealing bites of Applejack’s ice cream and cited her losing her muscle as the reason, to which she asked if I only liked her because she was muscular. I told her that the main and best thing about her was the nose and she just rolled her eyes before stealing a slice of apple that had fallen out of my pie. It made me wonder if the gal ever got enough apples in her life, but it wasn’t worth mentioning. Big Macintosh actually responded when I tried talking to him, even if I was poking Applejack’s sides while I was doing it most of the time. She eventually pinched me and I quit my shite, but not in time to avoid almost getting pulled out of my chair for a noogie.

With pomp, pride, and a bit of a shitty look thrown her way, I fixed my hair before pulling on her ear and I got hit for that before Applejack had just about enough of me and my nonsense, putting me in a headlock that I didn’t really mind. I tickled her sides since I could and her family laughed at our antics until Applejack pushed me away, beaming the entire time. It was hard to say, but I felt closer to Applejack than I did with most others and it might have been because of the way she treated me. AJ always made sure she wasn’t hitting too hard or teasing too much, and even if I took it a little far with her she never got ‘mad’ per se. However, she did have her ways of letting me know to change tactics and I appreciated her clear signals. That being said, I was beginning to think that we were going to make something of what we already had and I couldn’t find a reason not to. Hell, even Macintosh was starting to warm up to me and Granny already invited me to come to dinner whenever I was feeling lonely.

Macintosh and Apple Bloom shared a chuckle at my expense once or twice whenever I made a joke that I knew would get them to laugh. Applejack was free and open with her little nudges and admonishments, but Granny always defended me as she poked fun at me too. It honestly… It honestly makes me want a family, though I’m in no hurry to make one myself. However… A Mum and a sister that would laugh when people jabbed and bite back if someone threw a real punch? That fucking makes my heart bleed. Having another man to call brother? I never thought it would be truly possible, but maybe in Ponyland where the impossible is probable, then maybe… Maybe I could get the life I wanted… Money was sorted, my house was taken care of, and now I just needed more people to come visit when I wanted family and friends...

All things considered, I thought it had gone well. Apple Bloom thought I wasn’t a shit head Macintosh was being cool, and Granny Smith had been quite the pleasure to spend time with. Plus there was that moment with Applejack and the kiss she gave me when I left that made me doubt that there was just friendship between us... I figured that I now had Apple Bloom and Macintosh to count in when it came to my little get together, and wondered if I should try talking to Rarity tomorrow to see if my parlay with Pinkie had influenced her in my favor once more. I somewhat doubted it, since I hadn’t really forgiven the evil pink one for much, but I did stop calling her Cuntie, so I thought that would be a boon if nothing else. However, I was leaning toward a heavy side of ‘Fuck Rarity’ and telling her to deal with her shit until she wanted to apologize to me. That being said, I wanted to apologize to Twilight for breaking her vase and decided to get that gal some flowers. Mares love flowers.

Anyway, I’ve been writing for a pretty decent stretch now. Time for a glass of the maple shit before bed.

After I woke up the third time that night, I gave up on sleep and tried to catalog my nightmares, hypothesizing that writing them down instead of keeping them in my head would help me sleep better. I elected to leave them out of my journals for two simple reasons; I didn’t want to remember them, and I didn’t want to think about them later down the line. The damned things had been plaguing me for a while now ever since the Gryphonia incident, and they were costing me more sleep than ever. The only thing that seemed to stave them off was company in bed. I took to rapping my knuckles on my headrest as a way to be sure of where I was, but even that small comfort had eventually been incorporated into my dreams, leaving me with little else in the ways of possible recourse. It was frustrating to know that every night I was trapped inside my own mind until I met another grisly fate that woke me, but I didn’t let it impede me... Much. I’d had night terrors for years now, and a few more weren’t going to stop me from living my own goddamn life, so I pondered what exactly I could do to fix it. I jotted down a note to Celestia, asking if she knew of any dream magic that could purge nightmares, but didn’t get a response. Not surprising since it was three hours before dawn at the least.

I settled in for a long day and started writing another book. I decided on a happier tale, one that mimicked my life in ways, but deviated in others so that the main character wasn’t just stealing random shit for people. Rather than being like me, he would ‘reclaim’ stolen goods from evil ponies, and I even had my first case, modeling it after my first job. Midnight Stroll would be infiltrating the castle of the wicked Doctor Droll, taking back the pendant of a beautiful young mare named Lily Paddington. Of course, in real life, I had just stolen some jewelry for some greedy old crone, but that doesn’t really seem heroic, now does it?

My new story ate up time with my creative juices flowing in a torrential downpour since the actions in the book were somewhat based off of true events, and it only felt like an hour had passed when I looked up and realized that noon had come and gone. I put my scribblings aside for the time being and headed out for the day, stopping by at the local florist to pick up a bouquet of various fresh flowers for Twilight. The woman who ran the shop, a Miss Briar Heart, was quite the character. She casually threw out more swears and slurs than I could count, ruining a few Ponies’ days and I couldn’t help but feel a connection to her. We traded barbed compliments and she slipped a few of her own cross pollinated creations called ‘Briar Roses’ into my gift to thank me for being a likeable prick. I paid her double the amount she’d asked and I was off to see the wizard. Mage. Magician... Witch? Whatever Twilight was supposed to be. I don’t even care.

I arrived at my destination and announced my presence, which was probably a mistake, because the door went unanswered. When that didn’t work I ended up climbing the hard, solid bark of the Treebrary and a passing person asked what the hell I was doing. I told them that my gecko heritage was making me go crazy and they seemed to accept it easily enough, which should’ve given me some kind of tip about how crazy the average Pony thought I was. However, at the moment I didn’t really think too much of it and kept climbing because I could and no one was going to stop me. Kind if like when I was making mac-n-cheese with bacon. In any case, I made my way up to Twilight balcony and knocked on her door, taking the time to chill and look out over Ponyville.

After waiting entirely too long, I let myself in and had a look around. The last time I had been in here while sober, it was during Pinkie’s welcoming party and it had been darker than my sense of humor. In the daylight, I realized that it was Twilight’s room that I was standing in, so I hurried out of her personal space and into the hallway, nearly running into the woman I had been looking for. She was looking very cute in a pleasant royal purple sundress, and she had put her hair into a ponytail, which was very fitting. Twilight stared at me and whisked her head around to the direction of the front door, whipping her hair in my face as she did so. Thankfully, it was quickly removed from my mouth when she turned back to me.

“Max…” She said slowly

“Hullo love,” I spoke quickly, taking a step back, “brought you a present!” Holding the flowers up for her I grinned.

Twilight didn’t look as amused. “Did you just come in through my balcony?”

I winced. “How much trouble am I in if I say yes?”

“A lot.” She crossed her arms and tapped her foot on the floor.

“Teleporting accident?” I shrugged, turning the charm up to eleven. “Does it really matter though, love? We’re together, I brought some flowers, you look lovely, I’m undeserving of someone as sweet, intelligent, and forgiving as you, and-”

Twilight blushed slightly but still ended up rubbing her temples. “Why.”

“Why what, love?”

“Why did you break into my house? Dear Celestia, I swear, it must just be my family or something! First my parents, now me!”

“In fairness, I didn’t break into your parents’ place, I don’t think.”

“I don’t know about that, because breaking in just to reorganize kinda seems like something you would do at times!” Twilight scowled.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Time to play it cool. “Not really. If I break-in, it’s probably for a good reason, and I rather doubt I have a reason to break into your parents' place.”

She huffed and her grimace lightened. “I guess. You’re still in trouble!”

“I really don’t see why. You girls have let yourselves into my house on multiple occasions.” I replied.

Twilight’s nose twitched and her breathing picked up. “That was different.”

“You wanted to see me, I wanted to see you. The only thing that changed was the number of visitors and the deeper purpose of the visit.”

“You are so not talking your way out of this one.”

“Can I kiss my way out of this one?”

“No, you can’t.”

“I’m sorry?”

“No, you’re not.”

I was running out of ideas. “No shit I’m not, I expect you to treat me the same as I treat you. You broke into my house. Spike and you didn’t answer the door, so I came in to give you flowers. Get over it.”

“... That may be true, but-”

“Will you at least take the flowers? Briar Heart even added some of her own special fusion.” I wiggled my brows.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I doubt it. Briar Heart is one of the meanest ponies in town! There’s no way-” I held up one of Briar Heart’s flowers. “Oh.”

“You forget, I’m the meanest thing in town, love. Briar and I are kindred spirits, and as such I think you should look past her vulgarity and think of her as female me, but less cute than I’d be.”

Twilight took the flower from my hand and nibbled on it. I forgot ponies ate flowers. “Wow… It’s an honest to goodness Briar Rose...”

I shrugged. “Yup, red, white, and pink petals with chopped off thorns. Briar Rose indeed.”

Twilight pursed her lips and shifted her stance. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to coax one of these from her.”

I pulled two more from the bouquet. “How about six? How hard is that?” I stuck them back in the bundle and handed them off to her. Twilight’s jaw dropped and I grinned. “Do you get why I was so eager to see you now?”

“Okay, it’s pretty hard to be mad at you. How did you manage to get six!?” The corners of her mouth slowly lifted.

“Like I said, kindred spirits. Briar’s a lot like one of my old friends, and she reminds me of myself when I’m in a good mood.”

“You talk like that when you’re in a good mood?”

“I used to. Things change.” I shrugged.

Twilight shook her head and gave me a bright smile. “Well, I’m glad you got it out of your system. Is this your way of apologizing for my vase?”

“Yes, yes it is, but let’s not bring that up right now. I’m just happy I could make you smile.”

“Aww, you’re so sweet when you want to be!” Twilight gave me a peck on the cheek and nibbled on her flower.

“I’m always sweet, it’s just that you have to get past the sour. While we’re on the topic of sweet things, I love your dress, quite fetching.”

“Well thank you! Rarity made it for me so I’d have something to wear to the picnic-” Twilight’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth.

“I’m guessing I wasn’t invited for a reason?”

“Max, it’s not that we don’t want you there, it’s just that… Help me out here?”

I snorted. “Rarity and Rainbow don’t want me there. Don’t worry, Twi, I’m not exactly offended. Wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to show up anywhere Rainbow Dash is anyways.”

Twilight’s mood seemed well and truly doused. “I forgot you were having trouble with Rainbow Dash too…”

“Again, don’t worry. We’ll work it out eventually. Feel free to share your flowers with the girls other than the blue one.” I gave her a smile and pecked her cheek.

Twilight caught my arm as I started to fuck off. “Max…”

“Hm?” I looked at her.

“... You don’t need to be okay with it.”

“I’ll admit I’m kinda annoyed, but I’m not offended, Twilight.”

She was silent for a moment and held her flowers to her chest, looking like I’d still rained on her parade. “... I just don’t… We care about you, Max, but-”

“I’m not worried about it, love. It’s okay.”

“I just…”

I took the flowers from her and gave my little purple worrywart a big squeeze. “You’re okay, goofball. I’m not mad at you or Applejack or Fluttershy. Hell, I’m not even that mad at Pinkie anymore, but Rarity and Rainbow can suck a fat cock.” I let her go and gave her flowers back. “Kiss me if you believe me. Hug me for comfort if you don’t. I still want both, so uh... “ I spread my arms.

Twilight blushed. “W-Well…” She gave me a quick peck before squeezing me. “... I’m sorry, but thank you for understanding.”

I kissed her temple and hugged her again. “Can’t be mad about everything, Purps.”

I took my leave and still couldn’t say that I was terribly upset about not being invited to their little get-together, seeing as how I wasn’t on good terms with three out of the six attendees. Hell, I wasn’t even phased that they had kept it a secret. I suppose I could have chosen to be offended, but life was too short to be mad over small things. That was when I stopped being mad at Pinkie Pie. Shit just wasn’t worth it, to be honest. Yes, she had pulled quite the load of rubbish, but in the end, the damage had been repairable and the only thing stopping us from being friends again was my own stubbornness. She’d come and made an honest effort to apologize, so I couldn’t be all that mad in the first place. That didn’t mean I was about to forgive Rainbow for wrecking my house, but it did mean that I could give Pinkie some good news. Maybe my brighter mood was influencing my decisions.

With nothing else to do, I figured that I could go for a walk in the Whitetail Woods, mostly because walking through town would have brought me by Ponyville Park, and that was where I assumed they would be since it was such a pleasant day out. I didn't think any of them spent enough time in my neck of the woods to find my little clearing, so that was my next stop after I picked up some edibles and got my pocket watch, of course.

I had been traveling in the general direction of my house, but the Jeweller’s shop was in the opposite direction so I made an about-face and kept on keepin’ on. The shop I stopped at was called ‘Blissful Baubles’, a nice little place with a friendly cream-colored stallion manning the counter. He started me off with some of the cheaper watches he had in stock, but once I vetoed pretty much all of his designs, he began showing me the more interesting pieces. I decided on a skeletal piece that was well crafted, but rather expensive. I liked how I could see the gears move and the general design of the piece. It had the motif of a Timber Wolf’s face on the front and an engraving of the rest of the creature on the back, the casing made of a dark, hardy, well-crafted steel and the hands of the clock crafted from obsidian. The numbers on the faces were gilded in gold, and the gears inside were made of alternating dark and light steel, which I found to be quite intriguing. Overall, it was a good purchase in my book, though I had the vaguest feeling that Rarity would definitely find it atrocious, despite how much I liked it.

My new trinket only needed to be wound bi-daily and would stop after being wound to a certain point, so I could wind it whenever I felt the need to, which would help me out since I tend to forget about things like that. Once I incorporated it into my daily routine it wouldn’t be such a problem, but getting into the habit of doing it was the hard part anyway, so I made a mental note to wind my watch before I started on my journals. My mental notes usually don’t count for shit, but uh… New watch was cool.

With my new fancy-pantsy doodad tucked away in my pocket, I made my way over to Blossoms and Blooms and had them make me one hell of a hoagie. It was more than just mayo and cheese, however, since I’d gotten their garlic, herb, and cheddar bread. Of course, there was no meat, but I figured I could go home, scramble some eggs, and make it a sandwich worth eating. Honestly? I was kind of getting tired of eggs and beans to source my protein. The vegetarian diet had never been my thing, and I’d always hated fish ever since my old man made me try pickled herring as a boy, so I was kind of stuck unless I wanted to try hunting something. Without any weapons, experience, or general knowledge of traps or snares, I was stuck, lack of a better word. Well, there was always ‘I was hungrified’. I had no hope of finding a trapper or the like around the Ponyville area to teach me how to get game in my kitchen and then belly, and on top of that, the ponies were fucking herbivores anyway. I thought as I walked and nearly punched myself when I realized that I shouldn’t be looking at the ponies for dietary guidance: I had the Naga!

I went back home, threw my vegan hoagie in my satchel after wrapping it in waxpaper, and started prowling around the Whitetail Woods until I found the broken branches that marked the trail the Naga men had used to bring me back home. It should be about an hour and a half walk if I didn’t stop for rest, so I started my journey without further ado. It was easier said than done.

Also? I learned a valuable lesson.

The first lesson I learned was that the Whitetail woods blended very subtly into the Everfree. The second thing I learned was that I fucked up. I should’ve went and grabbed Lupa. I should’ve went home and jerked off into the sandwich for my protein. Fucking- I should’ve just waited until dinner and went back to Sweet Apple Acres, but nooo! My dumb fucking shit headed cock huffing arse just had to fucking go looking for something from the snake-people! I just fucking had to have meat on my fucking sandwich! You know what? You honestly know fucking what? It was shite. It was a hot load of shite. My life had gone from passably peaceful to fucking spastic in the span of four hours flat.

Not only did my arse get chased around by an Orthus, which was a two-headed dog, but that dog? There was a long, red pole hanging from its loins and it looked all too happy to chase my arse around the fucking forest. Small blessings? Manticore got the thing off my arse. Bad news? The Manticore started chasing me! Then, on top of the big ugly cat, there was a giant fucking bird trying to eat my face with every clearing I found myself in. The fucking Roc was bad, but the Kobolds? Evidently out for blood. I got chased. A lot. And I ran. A lot. There was nothing that I could really do other than notice that it was mating season since everything except the Roc was sporting wood.

In my defense, my boosted perception apparently kicks into overdrive when I’m pants-shittingly terrified.

I lost my way rather quickly after pummeling the Manticore to death with a rock when I hopped onto its back and was bleeding rather profusely from where it had nipped my shoulder while trying to mount me. I did not envy their females if that’s how they show affection. Yeah, I managed to staunch the flow of blood by shredding strips off of my shirt, but I was still hopelessly lost, and the Everfree was expansive to say the least. I had fucked myself pretty well, had no survival training, no knives for self-defense, and I was rather certain that most creatures of the Everfree could smell blood. Long story short, I was up Shite Creek without a boat, let alone a paddle. Life was quickly going septic and my arse needed to not fucking die.

I climbed high into a tree with low branches and calmed myself, assessing my situation to the best of my ability. After an hour of deep thought, my conclusion was that I was fucked unless a small miracle happened. Sitting around and thinking had gotten me nowhere, so I decided to keep moving. I knew that the Sun was beginning to set now, and from my time in the canopy, I could see that it was definitely not directly above me, so I headed in the general direction that it was going, hoping that it would lead me home.

It didn’t lead me home, but it did lead me to what must have been the largest tree in the Everfree. The tree was a great Evergreen that towered over its surroundings, but its branches were too high off of the ground for me to reach easily, and its trunk was far too wide for me to shimmy up. I looked around for anything that could help me scale my arboreal asylum. Vines hung from just about every tree, so with the daylight I had left, I weaved them together and tied them off on one end to make something like a weighted rope. It took me quite a while to complete, but If I could get off of the forest floor for the night, it would make the effort well worth it.

Sadly, the lowest branch of the pine was still a good two and a half meters above me, and the rope I’d made just didn’t have enough weight to get over it. I considered tying it to rocks but it was too thick, and it was a bit too rigid to be worked in such a way. I started kneading the vine to break up some of the fibers so it would flex, but getting the whole length done would take time I didn’t really have, so settling for a little less than half of the four or so odd meters, I tried to get the job done as soon as I could. My hands were quickly rubbed raw from the effort, but since I couldn’t find my way to the edge of this damned forest, it was my best bet. I hefted the rope for a couple more tries and after the second, my efforts were rewarded. I wiggled the rope over the relatively smooth bark and brought the other half down, allowing me to tie a messy slipknot. By no means was it either pretty or my best work, but it was the best I could do at the moment and I was confident in my handiwork. I wrung the rope upward and pulled it taut with my full body weight.

I swung for a few moments with my eyes wide open, praying that it would hold. It felt like it would fine but my hands were alight. I had multiple nicks and scratches of various depth all over my mitts that were making my grip slip. That, and they hurt like hell, but I could ignore the pain if nothing else. then for the fear of being caught napping within easy reach. I wiped them off to the best of ability and tried to used my legs to hold as much of my weight as I could while I made my way up, but I still needed to advance with my hands and my upper body was never really my strong suit. Climbing buildings was one thing, but it took me a few tries to get my technique down with the rope. Despite every desire to quit and lay down, I forced myself to continue and eventually got onto the branch itself. I heaved myself up and took a much-needed rest as I slowly worked on untying my rope, which came apart after a few more minutes. Once I was on the tree, the branches were smaller and closer together, often just out of reach. If I planned my route I could get to the one directly above me within a few minutes. I tied the rope around myself and went for my first jump, wrapping my arms around the branch and hauling myself over before taking another quick break. The next few were a bit easier with me only having to lean to touch the majority of them. I still had to risk jumping to them, but the further I could go, the safer I’d be.

I scanned the tree for a few seconds, trusting my senses to alert me to any noises or visual oddities that would tell me of possible predators and found nothing that stood out. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of the forest, hoping that it wasn’t just my vision that had been altered. There wasn’t any saying for sure if it was, but I could distinctly hear more than I had thought possible while focusing my efforts elsewhere, including what sounded like bipedal footsteps somewhere below me. My eyes shot open and I climbed further out onto the branch I was visiting and looked: It was a goblin of some sort. Short and green with large pointed ears, it appeared to be looking for something. It hefted a small primitive spear that I doubted would do much to any of the larger creatures of the forest unless it was thrown in combination with a dozen others, so I closed my eyes and listened in to see if I could hear any more of them. My patience allowed me to hear at least four others that were in the area, so I carefully inched my way back to the trunk of the tree and sat still. I didn’t think that I was out of range if they decided to start throwing their stone-tipped weapons, so playing it safe was my best bet if I didn’t want to deal with more injuries.

The Goblins gathered around the base of the tree and faffed about, picking up clumps of needles and earth, sniffing them and dropping them repeatedly. I hadn’t delved terribly far into their existence when I had the chance, but Twilight’s bestiary did mention them a few times. Their bite was mildly poisonous, and as with most two-legged creatures, they held a modest intelligence. They weren’t as smart as Kobolds, but they made up for it by being as crafty as a two-year-old and their opportunistic ways meant that attacking wounded prey was pretty much the way they filled their stomachs. I remembered that they were often seen in the wake of a larger predator, which made me wonder just why they were gathering around my chosen pine. I hadn’t had any trouble since I had reached it, so they must have been late in their arrival or they were looking for a sugar daddy to pass them along some scraps.

Both of my explanations made me feel a bit better, but the equally viable scenario of them following me by the scent of my blood sent chills down my spine. I had to keep my breathing slow and inaudible, hoping that with time my new guests would give up and fuck off, but when more arrived making the current total around twelve, I realized that they were bedding down for the night. It basically meant that I was essentially stuck unless I could keep quiet while making my last jump. This wasn’t a decision to be made lightly: I could either spend a night on my uncomfortable, yet relatively safe branch that was slightly lower to the ground, or I could go for one nearly three times its size and considerably more secure, but with the added risk of being discovered by my new ‘friends’. I rationalized that I needed as much rest as possible and that the added comfort of the larger branch would help facilitate that, so I went for it harder than I really should have. Instead of jumping just enough to get on the branch as I had been, I tried my hardest and nearly sprung over my target, which actually meant that I expended less energy in getting on it. Hiking a leg over the side, I checked the forest floor and saw that the Goblins were stirring about, but apparently hadn’t heard my leap of faith. I breathed a sigh of relief. My gamble had paid off and I was better off for it.

My mind was abuzz, trying to lock down all the information I had learned throughout the day. If you crushed one of the heads of an Orthus, half of it would die, Manticores were assholes, and the birds of the Everfree were assholes too, just with better wings. I was homesick already, and there was nothing more I wanted to do than have someone come to my rescue and pull my ass out of the fire. However, since no one knew where I had gone I couldn’t expect a Thunderbirds style team to come after me anytime soon, so I steeled my resolve and planned my course for the next day. I would rise with the sun and head in the same direction it was traveling, taking me further west toward where I hoped Ponyville lie. Hell, if I could find the river and visit that Steven Magnet fellow, I would be quite happy since he could give me a rough idea of where to go, and I could wash off the grime I had accumulated over the course of my shitty day. With that in mind, I tied myself to my branch and settled in for an arduous night

I awoke the next morning with a familiar beak in my face, twitching and bouncing as it clicked. I froze in terror as it gazed at me, taking in every minute detail of my body. I had slept upright and the hawk-like Roc towered over me while I rapidly came back to the world of the living. It was at least two meters taller than me, and once it flapped its wings a few more times, I was willing to bet that it’s wingspan was more than adequate to allow it to carry me off if the massive raptor so chose. It leaned forward, sticking its neck out a bit to nudge my head with its beak. It hadn’t done so with much force, but I had thought that I was about to have my head ripped off, so I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. When the inevitable became less clear, I opened my eyes once more and saw that the bird had back off a bit. The Roc opened its beak and let out a piercing cry.

“Hello, bony friend of Nashoba.” The Roc seemed to look at me expectly.

“Hullo… Big… Bird?”

“You are very hard to grab.”

“... No offense, but uh… Are you going to eat me?”

“Few creatures like to be eaten. However, those creatures that are would be eaten for sustenance. You are only good for your bones. I do not need your bones.”

“Ah… You… Want my hoagie?”

“What is a hoagie?”

“Two-Leg food.”

“No. Why are you here, friend of Nashoba?”

“I was trying to find the Naga…”

“And you lost your way?”

“Yeah, and I kinda got distracted.” Big bird not eating me… Life seems pretty alright.

“Then you are intruding in the forest. Two-Legs are not permitted here.”

“Well uh… If you’d like to take a guy home-”

“The Watcher shall give his verdict. You will accept your sentence.”

“Human is friend, not food.” I tried.

The Roc nudged me with its beak. “You do not smell appetizing.”

“Thanks, I’ve been told-” It stood upright and reached for me with its talon. “Bad touch! Bad touch!”

I couldn’t go anywhere, so it just picked me up and started flapping its wings. “Silly Two-Leg.”

“Wait, wait-”

It clicked its beak twice and answered with a few chirps instead of its brutal screeching. “I will take you to the Gathering, Human.”

“Yeah, no, please don’t fuck my life up.”“

“You would not be tasty. Well, you might be. We will see if the time comes.

I was hesitant to trust the creature after it said that. And before it said that, actually, but knowing that my relationship with Lupa was the only reason I was still alive, I had little choice. Before I had a chance to ask another question, the unnamed Roc grabbed my torso with one of its claws and took off, breaking the tips of the tree’s branches as it flapped. I was, of course, terrified to no end, and the higher we climbed in the sky, the more I was made aware of the fact that all it would take was one uncoordinated muscle movement for me to end up a meal. A jelly-like, splattered meal. The Roc gripped me tightly, though, and I wasn’t going to be in any danger of falling if it kept its hold on me, so my main worry was dying from the sheer force of the wind. Something that I hadn't taken into account was being crushed, but that occurred to me all too quickly... It was a difficult journey, and my fear of heights kept me from opening my eyes during it.

Now, one might wonder how someone with the nickname ‘Gecko’ could be scared of heights, but I considered climbing and flying to be two very different things. At least with climbing, you had a chance of holding on to something before you fell to your death, and that provided a bit of an adrenaline rush. Flying, on the other hand, was fucking awful. I counted myself lucky that I was in the ‘arms’ of something that had been flying for the majority of its life, but I still didn’t like being so high in the air with little to keep me from dying. If Humans were meant to fly, we would come with fucking wings, but we weren’t given that little boon so we are forever blessed with not doing that. No, I don’t want wings, no I don’t ever want to be a bird, and for the fucking record? If I ever get turned into a Pony? I’m going to be some kind of fucking pissed. Especially if I get gypped out of Magic and get stuck being a fucking Pegasus.

The trip took far longer in my mind than it probably did in life, but either way, I was quite happy to be on the ground again. I didn’t stop to look around when I felt myself drop to the ground, instead, settling for making sure how many planets Equus knew how much I loved its gravity. When I got over my fit of temporary insanity, I looked around and found all manners of creatures looking at me: a few bears of varying types, foxes, wild cats, a few timber wolves, the Roc and a few of its friends, hares, snakes, alligators, large lizards, a single manticore, and a massive pack of shaggy black-furred creatures that seemed awfully familiar. My heart leaped when I realized that they were dire wolves, much like Lupa. I looked around and tried to spot her, but the ring around me was closing in and I was far more focused on staying calm, trying not to let my fear overtake me.

I lifted a hand and waved. “Wotcher.”

A bird far larger than the Roc marched its way through the crowd and stood in front of me. I could feel every hair rise, and when the bird shifted its wings, I could see sparks of electricity fly from its feather, making more of the creatures back off. Zapdos’ bigger, less yellow cousin looked at me and then around me. Two animals appeared out of nowhere and they appeared on my left and came to stand on either side of me, allowing me time to see them properly before they took up their positions. I recognized the bear as Bearett, but the wolf wasn’t Lupa if her green eyes were anything to go by.

Bearett stood on his hind legs. “KREL GREETS THE WATCHER,” He roared needlessly

The dire wolf followed suit, but quieter. “Lycas greets the Watcher.” Its voice sounded male.

They both looked towards me and I stood as well. “... WOTCHER, WATCHER?” I called out in an unsure voice.

The Thunderbird nodded and the dire wolf sat down, though Bearett and I stayed standing.

“THERE IS A TWO-LEG AMONG US.” The Watcher cried, causing its entire audience to cringe away from its sheer volume. “Two-Leg, what have you to say in your defense?”

“Uhh… Well, I wandered into the forest to look for the Naga and then the big bird that’s smaller than you brought me here for some reason. I thought it best to just… Not give it a reason to eat me.”

“Would you not fight for your freedom in the forest?”

“Actually, I’m not really all that fond of the forest and I’d very much like to go back to Ponyville, so if you could-”

“You will not be taken back to your home. As with all who enter here, you shall be guided to a point and then you will take care of yourself as we all have had to do.”

“That’s… Nice…” I said uneasily. “But uh… I also don't know anything about forests, and I don’t know that much about the Everfree to boot, Watcher.”

Big Bird shuffled its wings. “Then fight and you will be guided home.”

“Can I fight something my size?”

“No.”

“Can I fight myself?”

“... For what purpose?”

“Why wouldn’t I? It would be a fair fight!”

“Hit yourself.” The Watcher commanded.

I gave myself a little slap that was loud enough to make a noise. “Alright.”

“... You are an idiot.”

“Speaking of, why do you call me Two-Leg when you only have two legs? Two wings, two legs-”

“SILENCE!”

“You first, loud beak.” I grumbled more to myself than to the thing that could eat me.

The Watcher flapped its wings and bowled me over with the gust it created. “Insolence. Krel, take the human and go. Return once you have dropped it off somewhere that isn’t here. This Gathering will convene upon your arrival.” The Watcher turned around and awkwardly waddled back to his previous place in the group.

The bear I knew as Bearett lumbered over and huffed at me, picking a direction seemingly at random and walking off. With him acting as my guide and all, I followed ‘Krel’ closely, away from the oppressive animal smells. He walked further and further until I found it pertinent to up and follow his big furry arse. I tried talking to Bearett as we walked, but he would have none of my questions, so after a while I gave up and tried to avoid any droppings, which were made more frequently than one might think. After a few too many close calls, I started walking by his side, and the thought that he was doing it on purpose had crossed my mind a few times. Fucking animals. With no real idea where we were going, it became one of the longest walks of my life. I was so eager to get home and out of this shit hole that there wasn’t much I was willing to put up with, so every root and branch in my way was dutifully dodged or broken in turn. We trekked on for what felt like ages, even though I knew only an hour and a half had passed, which made me grateful for my pocket watch. Small comforts really do go along way when one finds themselves in a murder forest or a like situation.

Through the damp heat of the day, I started feeling terrible. Since I had left my satchel behind during my encounter with the Orthus, and hadn’t brought any water with me, I was parched and hungry without a break in the foreseeable future. When Bearett eventually either got tired of walking along or just wanted a drink, but either way, when he brought us to a river, I was extremely thankful, even though I was sure he had held out for as long as he could to punish me for something or other. I drank water by the handful, trusting whatever lie beneath the surface to bite my fucking face off if I gave it the chance. Bearett finished up with a fish between his jaws and tore it apart before we got a move on. Seeing him make short work of that fish made me wish that I had saved my hoagie, but what is lost is lost. Perhaps I would make another when I got back to town.

The thing is, Bearett didn’t take me back to town. It was about five in the afternoon when he finally stopped, turning around to face me. “Do you know where we are?” He grunted loudly.

I looked around, seeing that pieces of stone were littered about the forest floor. They all appeared to be well worn, but from their general uniformity, I could tell that they weren’t naturally occurring, leading me to believe that we were near ruins of some sort. “My best guess is some kind of ancient Pony settlement, long forgotten. Probably here from a time before the Everfree became like it is.”

Bearett grunted. “You’re right. The Watcher was here for its erection, and here for its fall. This is where we part ways.”

“Hold up, how do I get back to Ponyville from here? I mean, I’ve never even heard of ruins in this forest! Can you at least send someone along to help me out of here?” I protested.

“I am your help. The Everfree protects those who protect themselves, so I suggest you begin your journey from here, where the forest doesn’t watch.”

“Look, mate, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you getting me here safely, it’s just that I’m still fucking lost. I can tell you right now that I should be dead-”

“And yet, you are not. Even the weakest creature has hidden strengths, and you should take care to learn what your own are. One more thing,” Bearett turned to leave,” Do not make the Brood Mother sad, Two-Leg. I will find you if you do.”

“Who’s the Brood Mother? Seriously, all this coded bullshit is getting old.”

“The Brood Mother is your mate, fool. One of them, at least. The Brood Mother is a friend to the Kendani and the Zgon, whether she is aware of it or not, and is under protection from much of the Gatherers, so I suggest that you tread lightly with her.”

“Can you answer a few more questions before you go?” I asked, following his steps.

Bearett stopped and looked at me. “I suppose. Ask your questions.”

“Alright, so what are the Kendani and Zgon, and are you telling me that Fluttershy is basically a dryad or something? Why is she being guarded by so many animals?”

He snorted and swiped at a bug that had settled on his nose. “The Kendani are the dumb animals, and the Zgon are those like myself and Lupa. The Kendani make up the weight of the balance, and the Zgon are the watchful, the ones who make sure the scales do not tip.”

“Okay, I think I can understand that. Why are there two separate groups? And why is Fluttershy so important?”

“There has always been a separation, and even the eldest creatures do not agree on an answer. Some say that the first tortoise and owl together formed the Zgon, teaching their ways to those who could grasp them, allowing those that could not continue as their instincts tell them. Some would argue that the Kendani have simply always been and that the Zgon rose from their ranks due to druidic magic. The most popular story is that the Dryads that once roamed the planet freely gave gifts to Kendani that assisted them by spreading their seeds and fruits, helping them birth new Dryads. None of those I have spoken with have ever known the full truth, but I believe that it is by a combination of these three stories that we will find our answer.”

“...So you don’t really know, gotcha. What about Fluttershy?”

“The Brood Mother is caretaker to all those who would seek her out. She has nursed many of the Gatherings’ members in their time of need and will be protected for her kindness.”

“Have you spoken with Fluttershy yet? Does she know how much she means to you guys at all?”

“The Brood Mother lacks your gift to speak with us, or I would have told her.”

“Actually, long story short, Fluttershy can freely communicate with you due to some luck on my part. Well, I would call it unlucky since I died as a result, but she can understand you as well as I can now.”

He scratched at one of his ears. “... I was not aware of this. Perhaps I will leave this Gathering early.”

“Yeah, if you do take me with you please.”

Bearett tossed his head and lumbered off without saying anything else. Unfortunately, I was still stuck without knowledge of a way home, but at least I could do some exploring and hopefully find some food. I was confident that I could find the river that Bearett had shown me, but without food, I was going to eventually keel over and that just wouldn’t do, so I set watched until I couldn’t see Bearett past the thick foliage and set out to find some stuff out about my temporary home.

Now, I’ve never seen true ruins in person. Never been to Rome, haven’t seen any of the ancient Chinese architecture, didn’t think to save up and visit India, but seeing the dilapidated castle that sprawled across the Everfree’s land filled me with more awe than seeing pictures of it ever could. From the crumbling stone towers to the worn out drawbridge that was now presiding over a disgusting moat, I carefully examined every inch of the place from the outside, walking around it to mark it in my mental map. I often brushed my hands along the walls, just to feel the years that had taken their toll on this once magnificent structure. I had never been one much for history, but even in my beaten down, scraped up state, I couldn’t help but want to delve into this castle’s story, to learn as much as I could about it. The wounds on my hands had closed up during my walk, so I scaled one of the half-rubble walls and let myself inside after finding nothing of interest on the outside besides more crumbling ruins.

The inside was dustier than your grandmother’s nether regions; obviously it hadn’t seen any traffic in centuries. I took the time to look around and saw a few tapestries depicting Celestia and Luna, though they didn’t sport the same hair color that they did now. Instead of Celestia’s pastel rainbow, it was more of a muted magenta. Luna’s was a light blue, a pleasant periwinkle. I wondered what had made them change it up, but didn’t dwell on it very long, opting to see what else I could find. The roof had been left mostly intact, a characteristic of good masonry, and the floors were smooth where the roof covered them. In the open air, some of the marble floorings had been eroded away by rain, and there were little divots where you could see that the water flowed. Without any other sort of plan, I followed the trails down to the castle’s original entrance where the heavy wooden doors were still intact somehow. They were covered in moss and splintered in places, but otherwise had held up well through the years, though I saw that the rusty hinges they resided on were a strong wind away from giving. The lobby itself was pretty well off with only one fallen wall giving it over to the elements, but what really interested me were the suits of armor that seemed to be in fantastic condition, considering their apparent age and where they were. I examined one that held a large zweihander and saw that the blade was also in fine condition, though upon closer inspection, I could see pinpricks of rust near the handle. I switched subjects and went back to the plate armor, seeing that the joints were also rusted, though the plates themselves seemed to be fine from what I could see.

There may have been something unmanly sounding when I realized that I could probably pick up a weapon there, which would make my life considerably easier. I cracked open the visor on the plate armor and sniffed it, seeing if there were any odd smells that might warn me of possible insect residences. I didn’t smell any sort of rot or the like, so I pushed it over, forsaking my previous withholdings in favor of finding something I could use to defend myself. With a loud crash of steel against stone, the armor’s weakened joints broke apart and revealed absolutely nothing. I had been hoping that there would be some manner of hidden things inside, but I was still feeling good about finding something usable here.

I decided that following the water would only lead me to more things that were most likely too rusted to be useful, so I headed back up toward what I assumed was the court hall and had a look around there. After a while, I noticed that there were more suits of armor in the shadows that I hadn’t seen, but all of them held large weapons that I couldn’t use, so I kept looking elsewhere. Up seemed to be my best bet, so I climbed a flight of stairs and headed to the room with the biggest doors that I could find. My efforts were rewarded with the throne room. It was smaller than the one in Canterlot, and the thrones were shorter than that of Celestia and Luna’s current ones, but I was willing to bet that the solar slash lunar stylings were once theirs. I knew that the ruling sisters were old and had probably moved the Capital once or twice, but I couldn’t help but wonder what made them ditch such a pleasant place for the top of a fucking mountain.

I approached both thrones and studied them in-depth. The petrified remnants of wooden arms and supports were evident, but the seats were primarily made of stone and looked as if they were perfectly sculpted to each of the sister’s bodies so that their thrones could never be comfortably taken by another. Me being me, I tried having a seat in Celestia’s throne and found that the wing-wells that had been carved into the stone made for a more comfortable seating experience, though due to Celestia’s Amazonian height, I couldn’t quite get comfortable, so I tried Luna’s. I hers found to be much more accommodating for someone my size. Though the divot in her seat was a bit more shallow than Celestia’s had been. Due to the shallower bum-rut, I assumed that it was so she could sit at the same height as her sister. I had forgotten to take into account the amount of arse each of them had, and when I started trying to piece together what their general body types had been like, I came to the conclusion that Celestia had once been even curvier than she was now and that Luna had pretty much stayed the same. I briefly wondered how big Sunbutt’s bum had been if there was such a large difference in their seating arrangements but cast the thought aside with a small chuckle.

After having a look around, I found a small sword and a pot-lid-like shield behind Luna’s seat. The sword had evidently been well oiled before it was left behind of the small amounts of translucent residue were anything to go by, and was free from rust, though the cloth wrapping on the handle could use some redoing. The wood that encased the tang was well preserved by whatever epoxy had been applied to it, so I now had something to stick into whatever was going to try to kill me, and a nice little shield that would hopefully do me some good if I ever needed it. I had thought the buckler to be made of wood, but when I gave it a thorough once over, I saw that it was more like a large discus with riveted straps and a handle. I couldn’t identify the metal offhand, and since my light was fading quickly, I just picked it up and went along with finding somewhere to sleep for the night.

As I checked from room to room, I tested any cloth I came across to see If I could use it to repair my new sword and shield, but much of what I found was too rotten or moth bit to use as anything other than kindling, so I took my samples and dropped them off in the throne room in case I came across any flint later on. As it was, I was looking at a cold though safe night, and I was extremely grateful for that comfort. I continued exploring until I found myself in one of the towers that were adorned in Celestia’s Cutie mark. I hoped that her former private chambers were in here somewhere, and my hopes were correct, if the wrought iron, four post canopy bed was anything to go by. A flight of fancy struck me and I searched through the ramshackle wardrobe and some of the chests to see if I could find anything. Oddly enough, I found some interesting livery that had maintained throughout centuries of abandonment. The dull undergarments were made of silk which had allowed them to survive, but I was more focused on repurposing them into a wrap for my sword more so than any nefarious purposes.

Most helpful panty raid ever.

I used the swords still sharp edge to cut the pieces into one long strip and coiled it around the handle, tying the excess off around the pommel. It took me a few tries, but I eventually managed to wrap it in a way that was both comfortable and functional, leaving me with nothing else to do but sleep.

Morning light broke in through the shattered windows, but I had already been awake for the better part of an hour. With the nightmares and odd noises of the Everfree preventing any sort of restful sleep, I was determined to get the hell out of the forsaken forest as soon as possible. I had slept on the ruined mattress that was left of Celestia’s old bed which kept me off of the cold, hard stone floor, so I was better off than I could have been, but the bed was still dusty as hell and left me scratching like I had just laid in a bed of fleas. I could have, for all I know, but I preferred to blame the dust. With my sword and shield repaired and ready, I continued exploring the castle in the dawn light and made my way down to the kitchens. I wasn’t expecting to find anything to eat or drink, but I did find a few bottles of wine that were left intact and a piece of flint and steel that had been left behind. I had a way to make fire and a way to get hammered, so I considered it a net positive.Once I had a moment to search around some more, I lucked out and found a few empty bottles that weren’t broken. I could use them to gather and boil water, so my day was already starting to look up. When I got all of my supplies put in the throne room, I headed out into the courtyard to see what was going on in that part of the castle. As is the case with most ruins, there was nothing of note. With my belly growling loudly, it was time to see if I could kill something worth eating.

It took me a few hours, but I managed to find and kill a really big chicken. I say chicken, but I mean cockatrice. I had found it pecking at the corpse of some poor goblin and snuck up on it, trying to get as close as possible so my lunge would allow me to kill it in one blow. There was no telling if the things were even edible seeing as how the lizard-like tail and stature of the thing stated otherwise. That, and their petrifying stare would normally be enough to ward me off, but today, I was as hungry as I’d ever been, and I was certain that my elevated healing had something to do with it. If I could shrug off being poisoned once, I was sure that I could do it again. I soundlessly made my way towards the cockatrice’s back, carefully avoiding deadfall or anything else that might give me away. Luckily, the moist ground helped absorb my missteps and my experience helped me stay out of its line of sight. Once I was about two meters away, I sprung, charging the oversized drumstick, chopping it's head off in one fell swoop.I looked around and saw nothing that would come for my kill, so I began the tedious task of dragging the bird back to my lair.

With no experience in hunting, cleaning, or cooking an animal I’d killed myself, I tried to emulate Bear Grylls and Les Stroud to the best of my abilities, plucking as many of the feathers as I could from the Cockatrice’s legs. Utilizing some dryish branches and my pile of kindling, I headed down to the castle's kitchen and started a fire in one of the ovens, constantly feeding it more fuel to keep the fire hot. I wondered if I should just chuck my massive drumsticks in while the fire was going, but decided to wait until they died down a bit and shoved them in while the coals were glowing. I left them in the oven for forty-five minutes and hoped that they’d had enough time to cook. With a mitt made of more undergarments, I pulled them out and set them on the island in the middle of the kitchen to let them rest before digging in. My stomach roared for me to tear into my precious meat before some unfortunate event took them from me, but if I could wait two days for a meal, another few minutes wouldn’t kill me. Well, in the Everfree it might, but that’s not the important bit.

Once my food had cooled off, I tucked in. I had overcooked the outside, and the ash on the flesh dissuaded me from eating it, but the meat closer to the bone was done to near perfection, perfect for a starving omnivore. I swear I had never tasted anything better in my entire life, so much so that I ended up eating much of the ashen outer meat anyway. Once I’d had my fill, I heaved the other drumstick back into the oven after cutting it into strips, hoping to make some sort of jerky out of it so I would have something to eat when I prepared to leave the forest come jungle. I had filled my bottles while I was out hunting, so after chasing down the Cockatrice meat with some warmed and cooled water, I was ready to start looking for a way out of the Everfree.

I took a heavy battle-axe with me to help mark my path as I dived back into the wild forest, cleaving branches from trees every so often, leaving markers to get me back to the castle if I couldn’t find my way out. I had chosen to follow the Sun once more, but after hours of trying to find an exit, the night was beginning to fall, and I needed to get back to safety.

Days passed in much the same fashion. I would leave early in the morning with some food and water packed and I would pick a direction to follow and hope that today would be the day. Using some blood I collected from my kills to mark the days on the island in the kitchen, I tracked the rise and fall of the sun. Eight had passed since I originally went into the Everfree, blending together into what felt like one, and my hope faded with each passing day until I crashed. I spent the ninth day doing nothing, wallowing in despair and feeling sorry for myself, but on the tenth, I had caught my third wind and got back to trying to get the hell out of the shitty place. The castle had held many secrets like trap doors and other traps, but with a little attention, I found that I could pick any unsprung ones out with a rather impressive success rate.

My senses became more attuned the longer I spent in the Everfree, and I felt more comfortable as time passed. What had once felt like an evil forest now felt somewhat similar to a second home. A home wrought with pitfalls, poisonous things, and deadly creatures, but it made a modicum of sense to me now. I could see patterns in the way predators moved, often chasing prey on a kind of cycle. Some days I would see Manticores and Orthus’ hunting long-legged, deer like creatures, and others, I would see Cockatrices hunting Goblins or some kind of smaller game. The trees that bore fruit were off limits since I didn’t know what I could eat, but I spent one of my days staking various plants out, seeing what came along for a meal.Ffruit-bearing trees were often left alone, but there was one tree that appeared to have coconuts that were popular among the herbivores. I used those trees as hunting ground and hid in nearby ones with dense foliage. The palm-esque trees held no branches for me to hide in, but they were magnets for edible creatures, so when I killed one of the deer-like creatures, I took the fruit it had been trying to crack and went home with the creature tied to my back after some bloodletting.

That night, I was violently sick, which I attributed to the fruit. I lost much in the way of water and nutrition when that happened, so the next day, I tore into my venison like I was starving all over again. Day sixteen came and went, and I still had no clue how to get out of the Everfree. My hopes of getting out were replaced with a drive to survive, though, with a steady source of food and water I had little else to do during the days, so I took up meditating in the courtyard. The castle had remained unaccosted since I had been there, so my sanctuary was the perfect place to rest and collect myself when I felt I was at wits end. Through my meditation, I remembered a lot of things that I would have preferred to let rest in the pits of my mind, and those memories made me even jumpier, despite them being from a different world and dimension. My thoughts left me a little vulnerable to the world around me, but at the same time I thought of a few things that I thought pertinent.

I put some time into thinking about Celestia and what she meant to me, which I found a little heart-breaking. She wasn’t what I thought she was, even if we’d reconciled. Yes, Celestia was a woman that I loved and I wanted to make her happy, but she wasn’t really the one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. That honor lie somewhere between Fluttershy, Twilight, and now… Applejack. It was tough to see that the women in my life weren’t who I’d originally thought, but it was nice to know that the ones near me had proven to be better than I had given them credit for. Meanwhile, I had given Celestia all the credit they deserved and had only been let down. Twilight was a kind gal with a big brain and no social skills while Fluttershy herself was more generous with her things and time than Rarity had been. Twilight was the cute nerdy girl while Fluttershy was a closet of secrets and I wanted to know more about both of them as the time passed. However, I wasn’t aware of what I wanted from Applejack since I already had most of what I wanted from her, but the nagging feeling of wanting yet another thing from her ached in the back of my mind and I was sure that I wanted a relationship that was more than friends.

I also did a lot of thinking about I myself, and I wasn’t very happy with a lot of what I thought of, but it’s not like I was upset or was even being hard on myself. Speaking of which, Day Twenty brought a revelation during my hours of meditation and it was an interesting one. I could actually use telekinesis. I had forgotten about it which was most likely due to not needing it, but I learned that I could actually use the skill once I had a breakthrough on why I was so willing to give trust now. The breakthrough dealt with my desire to find something good in the world and my subconscious desire to be trusted in turn, which made me wonder just why I was as pessimistic as I am. I shoved that aside when I opened my eyes and saw that various pieces of rocks were levitating in the air around me, each of them dropping when I lost concentration. I blinked my surprise and tried to lift one actively, feeling something like an extra hand extend from my mind. It was like I had suddenly grown an impalpable tentacle that would do my bidding as long as I focused, barely visible and effervescent. I allowed the pale blue, translucent appendage drift across the stone in the courtyard and immediately started testing my limits.

It turned out that they weren’t terribly high. I could use my telekinesis to a distance of five to six meters, but the further I went with it, the less I could lift, which I learned through transporting a rock. The psychic appendage could carry a five-kilogram rock to about four meters with no problem, but if I used it in close range, I could lift rocks that I could roll with my maximum effort given that I was willing to deal with the mental strain that ensued. Using my telekinesis gave me headaches to varying degrees that ranged from mild annoyances to blinding agony, but after three days of faffing about with it, my limits expanded a bit and the headaches were less frequent and far less severe. On day twenty-four, I could stretch my telekinesis to about nine meters and carry the same five or so odd kilogram stone to the same distance. The more I practiced, the better I got until I came to a plateau, which frustrated me to no end. I could heft a heavy stone to about eleven meters, but I still couldn’t lift anything particularly large. With no scale or anything of the sort to help me judge weight, I tried to gauge just how much I could lift and found that I could get a boulder about my height off the ground if I was standing next to it. Sadly, my physical strength was no match, and when I tried lifting something larger that waist-height, I immediately blacked out. I’m not proud to say that I fainted multiple times before giving up, despite having recognized the cause. I let my failure lie and spent the rest of the day trying to utilize more tendrils instead of just using one. I found that using more than two severely limited what I could do, so I stuck with that and tried to see if I could break past the cap that was forestalling any more progress. In short, it didn’t help me out much, though I was definitely fine-tuning my control.

Before, I could only point the appendage in the general direction I wanted it to go, but now. I could steer it rather well and worked until I was able to pick up a discolored stone from a pile of others without much of an issue. With more practice, some practice, and a little actual practice sprinkled on top instead of being dumb, I learned that there were also actions other than grabbing things that I could do now, and during one of my morning hunting expeditions, I used it to slap the fuck out of a Cockatrice that wandered too close to my territory. Yes, I claimed territory. No, I don’t feel bad for doing what mankind and the British people have been doing for all time. I might grow tea there or something, I don’t know.

I had been about five meters away from it, and the Cockatrice had spotted me. Through the thick underbrush of the forest, I peered through leaves and thin branches to get a good look at the creature. While sending out my tendril, I paid attention to the apparent confusion in the Cockatrice’s body language. It knew I was there, just not where. My tendril made it to the Cocaktrice’s head and I reared it back before bringing it home with as much force as I could muster, whipping its neck in a very unnatural way. I didn’t need the meat at this point, but it was becoming a routine to walk around the castle and pee on trees to mark them with my scent, and since the bird-lizard thing had been unlucky enough to cross my border, it was dealt with as any other being of the Everfree would be.

The little scuffle with the Cockatrice had lifted my spirits considerably and had given me something new to try with my powers. Slapping rocks didn’t do much other than give me headaches, so I switched to trees. I could put a pretty good dent in your average one, but when I tried manipulating my tendril to take another form, the real fun started. If I flattened it out, it made a pretty effective blade, and with a bit of effort, I could cut about fifteen centimeters into living wood. If I sharpened it into a lance-like point, I could drill about ten or twelve centimeters into a tree, and if I formed a ball, the whipping action I used was devastating. All of these actions depended on how far away I was, but I trained them to the point where I could break off a thick branch from about ten meters away. I was quite happy with my progress.

Day Thirty came, and I was accustomed to life in the Everfree. Most creatures gave me a wide bearing since I had learned to effectively use my telekinesis. I still needed to stand still while I used it, for the most part, but I was beginning to grasp moving while using it without losing my concentration, though going any faster than a gentle stroll ruined my focus. In any case, I was now a force to be reckoned with and most of the Manticores that I came across were well aware of that fact now. I stopped going hunting once I’d learned how to smoke meat without burning it to a crisp and focused on building a raft that I could use to travel on the river. My high protein diet had given me some decent gains and my occasional purging with the coconut-like fruit kept me lean and mean, so hefting logs and the like to the clearing near the riverbank was less of an issue than it would have been prior to my stint in the Everfree. With my telekinesis and newfound physical strength playing a large part, I finished my raft in two days.

On day thirty-three, I brought food, water, the wine I had found, and a few weapons to my raft, and hoped to head home.