I went to bed kinda mad and I woke up kinda mad, both because of the same person and for similar reasons. After busting the fattest nut of my whole Goddamn life, I thought about how to make Celestia whimper my name before I came anywhere close to stopping, but no. No, I’m not allowed to have nice things. I stiffly rose to complete my morning routine, deciding on a charcoal gray hooded wind jacket Rarity had actually designed for me over an ash grey V-neck with more denim to complete my samey monochromatic color scheme. It also fit the general tone of the morning as I trudged onward to breakfast, and what was most likely going to be the most awkward conversation I’d had on this God forsaken planet.

There was a part of me that was mad at Twilight, but at the same time I didn’t want to have to explain to Twilight specifically why I’d been shagging her teacher. I didn’t want to remember that we’d almost had something, and the hasty parting kiss that we’d shared the last time she’d visited me in the hospital. I mean, not only did I kinda want to dick Celestia down real good, but I felt kinda guilty about not picking one and sticking with the gal I chose, even if I hadn’t really been doing it beforehand… To a point I just felt bad, I suppose. I felt bad that I’d smooshed what could’ve been between us, but there was always Celestia to hold me tight. When I realized that I was getting a little scruffy, I shaved with the straight razor provided for me and managed to not cut myself, which I considered a win in my book.

After a good walk that helped me clear my head.I joined Celly, Twilight, and Luna for breakfast and took my usual spot between the two Princesses. My usual place just so happened to be directly across from a woman who could barely look me in the eye without blushing and fidgeting like a nervous schoolgirl. Meanwhile, Luna was glaring daggers at me again and Celestia was rubbing her temples like she could ease away her consciousness by applying more pressure. The tension was thick again and I wasn’t having it at all. It’s one thing if I make an awkward silence, it’s another if one is forced upon me. Instead of cracking a joke like I usually would have, I decided to handle it in a way I thought Sunny would be proud of.

“Alright, I’m not having this.” I got looks from everyone present, all of varying levels of doneness. “Celestia and I are adults. She more so than I, but still, both adults. What we do as adults in our private time is our business and our business alone. I’m sorry to those of us who walked in on our busy-ness, but in fairness you should’ve knocked. Yes Twilight, I’m looking at you. It’s just etiquette, love. That being said, Celestia and I have a right to do as we please within reason, again her more so than I, but still. Our business is our business.”

“Dost thou expect us to sit idly by as thou layeth our sister in our own home?” Luna hissed. “Thine charm shall only get thee so far, heathen, and we-”

“Luna, Your Majesty, please; shut it.” Her eyes widened as I spoke angrily. “It’s not your fuckin’ business. As it is, I’m not trying bed-'n-bolt your sister. Smash-n-Dash. Skeet-Skeet-and-Beat-Feet. Cum and Go. That’s not what was happening. We have a connection; You’ve been here to see it develop. If the fact that her giggling at half of that is anything to go by," I looked at Celestia and she jabbed a finger in my direction, a smile trying to fight its way onto her face, "then it might be a little more than what you think. We’re exploring where this romance goes, and for the night It took us to bed and we had consensual fun. I’m not trying to steal her from you, and honestly you should have more faith in Celestia; she’s a grown woman who can make her own mistakes,” I interrupted.

“Are you saying last night was a mistake?” Celestia jibed, a small smile turning the corner of her mouth.

“Of course not! Hell, I’d do it all over again, Twilight busting the door down and all! Even if you included this awful little talk we’re having, there’s precious little I wouldn’t trade for another night like last night.” I confessed.

Which was completely true. Being with Celestia had been a magical night for me, even if we had been stopped short. Maybe it was just Celly’s natural charm, or maybe it was budding love. Either way, the spark I felt when we kissed was like no other. As things continued to look up, it seemed that Luna sensed my veritability as she visibly calmed. Twilight was still blushing up a storm and her even her mentor was a little rosy around the cheeks. Matters seemed to be calmed for the time being, but I knew I would have to talk to Luna sometime soon before things got out of hand. From there, the Princesses talked about business while I ate breakfast. Twilight poked and pecked at her food, moving it around her plate more than actually eating anything. Luna, Celly, and I shared a look between us.

“So, Twilight. Between last night’s events and ‘standard’ breakfast conversation, you still haven’t told us the reason you’ve come to Canterlot in the first place. What’s going on?” Celestia asked kindly.

Twilight jumped and stuttered for a few moments, surprised at the sudden attention she’d been avoiding for the past twenty or so minutes. “W-Well, I came to check on Max... Everypony is pretty worried about you,” She said, shifting her eyes to me. “Rarity, Rainbow, Spike, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Applejack-”

“Applejerk can fuck off, eat shit, and die of sepsis as far as I’m concerned, love. Thanks for checking up on me though. I’m touched. Truly, I am. It’s nice to know that my friends care since no one’s sent any letters.” I replied peacefully, not skipping a beat as I munched on breakfast.

Silence met my harsh words. I looked up to see a raised eyebrow from Luna, dismay from Twilight, and Celestia slowly shaking her head. “But... Max, Applejack never meant to hurt you that badly… She’s been… I haven’t even seen her in weeks… She won’t even leave the farm anymore… Whenever one of me or the others go over, she hides in her room and won’t come out. Applejack-” Twilight spoke, an ache in her voice..

“I’m not giving ground on this, Twilight. If we were in England, I would’ve died from those wounds, if not become a cripple for life. I want nothing to do with her, and if asking for my forgiveness on her behalf is the reason why you’re here, then you’ve wasted your time.” I took a bite of my apple and thought of Cinemasins for some reason. “Otherwise, if you’re here for-”

“Max, this isn’t England! Applejack really does regret everything! There… There’s no consoling her. Granny says she’s stopped taking care of herself,” What? “she won’t eat half the time,” … Oh “ she even stopped leaving the house last time I checked! I’ve…” The pain in her eyes was obvious. “I’ve only seen a pony hurt that bad...” She looked at me, the implication clear. “... You didn’t want our help and Applejack doesn’t want it either, but… You live, Max. You get out and do things. You have a life… You evidently want to be here… I don’t… I don’t think that’s true for Applejack a-anymore.”

Goddamn… Ball’s in my court. “... You don’t understand-”

“Dammit, Max!” She barked, slamming her hands on the table. “I get it! I was there with you! What you don’t get is that my sister is letting herself die! Inside and bucking out!”

Tears were in her eyes as I raised my hands. “I’m not forgiving her. Shut the fuck up.” She and Celestia just stared at me. “I’ll talk to her. I owe you that much; owe all of our friends to a point. I don’t give a damn about Applejack, but I’ll get her head out of her arse whenever I go back. For the time being, tell her that I’m going to come back and stab her if she’s not alive for me to yell at when I get there. That being said; Don’t fuckin’ yell at me. Doesn’t make me want to do a damned thing for you.”

Twilight sat in stunned silence, staring at me like I’d grown a second head. I don’t believe she’d ever heard of something so callous in her twenty or so years of living, at least not from someone who meant every word. I continued my meal and looked between Celestia and Luna once more. Celly looked quite disappointed, though I have a feeling she suspected I would say something along those lines while Luna looked upon me with what seemed to be the most infinitesimal amount of respect.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I inquired innocently.

“Max…” Celestia began.

“We support the foal, sister. A stallion with no spine beith unworthy of our most prized friend and advocate. Retribution is in order in any case; he has suffered at the hands of Applejack and she should bear the responsibility of her actions. Mere apologies and ‘feeling bad’,” Luna threw some air quotes, “is not sufficient compensation for the injuries she inflicted upon him.” She didn't get arrested anyway. Thanks, Sunny.

“Sister, that was a thousand years ago, times have changed! We forgive those who are sincere now, we hold no grudges, bear no bad blood for the sake of feuding!” Celestia retorted

“Should somepony inflict such damages upon our person, wouldst thou stand idly by if they were to apologize for the pain they have caused? Or wouldst thou demand indemnification in turn for our blood spilled?” Luna challenged. Yeah- Wait, did she- Nah, I must be imagining things.

“I would forgive them if they truly meant it, even if I had to swallow my own rage and hubris to do so. Yes, I would be furious beyond comparison, but if some one were to hurt you and was truly sorry for it, I could let it go in time!” You’re kinda bad at lying. You’ve got the voice down, just not the body language.

Luna seemed to sense the truth of her words as well, but didn’t comment on it. “Then we shall disagree on this matter, dear sister,” Luna huffed, “but knoweth thou this; Should somepony touch so much as a hair on thine beautified pate, the foal would face our vindication, no matter how many times they were to enact such an apology. They would face unknowable pain and be sure to crawl from Sadsdale to Canterlot on their knees for starters.” She laid a pointed look in my direction and I nodded.

“I’d stab someone for everyone in this room, and I say that with the utmost confidence. Whether I’d kill someone is out of the question; Max don’t murder. But I’d stab ‘em nice n’ proper.”

Luna gave me an odd look. “... Even for us?”

“I like you in a ‘love-hate’ kinda way. You’re loyal to your sister and I respect that, and you’re also easing up around me in general. You also haven’t had me assassinated for all your meanie-pantsity, so yeah.”

Celestia shook her head and frowned. She obviously didn’t want me to seek vengeance on anyone’s behalf, regardless of the trespass. With that said, we wrapped up breakfast and I caught Luna before she left asking for a word at a later date earning a confused look from Celestia. Once Twilight meandered out of the breakfast room following Luna, Celly and I looked at each other.

“Don’t go after Applejack, Max,” My lover asked, exasperated.

“I said I would talk to her. Not chat. It’s a parlay, not a smash.”

“... What?”

“Look, I’ll happily hate her from across the street, but that’s about as far as I’m willing to compromise. I’m no pony; my forgiveness isn’t earned so easily.”

“I know that, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that you’re lying to me, Max.” Stop reading into my words then, twatwaffle.

“Look, I won’t touch the cunt. I want nothing to do with her. If she really feels as bad as Twilight says, then that’s punishment enough for now.”

“If that’s enough, then why don’t you forgive her, Max? It would go a long way in repairing your friendship, and while I understand why you’re spiting her, can’t you see that all you’re doing is hurting yourself in the long run?”

“Or I’m protecting myself from the dangerous rage beast that damn near killed me, Sunbutt!”

“... Are you calling me fat?”

“No, I’m saying you have two sun tattoos on each arse cheek, Sunbutt. It’s my new pet name for you. Also, didn't you just completely gloss over what I just said? What happened in the first place? Because I’m pretty sure I almost got murdered.”

“First of all, wow. Second, Applejack wasn’t trying to hurt you that badly Max, you-”

“Did minor damage to her friend so she retaliated. Rainbow was trying to fight me and I defended myself. Applejack? She knew that I’m frail. She meant to hurt me, Celestia, whether you want to face that fact or not, Applejack should be held responsible for her actions. If I didn't already know you’d protect her, I’d press charges.”

“Rainbow Dash could also press charges against you, Max. Regardless of her intent, you struck first.”

“Um, excuse you?” I leaned toward her. “Fuckin’ say that again. Lie to me twice and this is over before it takes off.”

Celestia’s face grew steely. “Did you not?”

“No. Rainbow threw the first punch. Applejack ended the fight. Then Rainbow leapt toward me as I was walking away.”

“You can only talk to me-”

“You started it.”

“I’ll buckin’ finish it too.”

“Yeah, must be nice to not be held accountable for your actions-”

“Like the Gryphon you stabbed?”

“They were jumping me!”

“And they didn’t draw blood.”

“His fingers were knives.” Celestia groaned and went to lay into me when I said, “Are you fuckin’ kidding me right now? Celestia; get real. Every time I’ve been in a scuff, I wasn’t the one who started it. Yeah, I get it; I’m an arse. Does that mean people get to attack me when I’m just trying to live my life? Why won’t you see my side? I damn-near died, so yeah, I’m fuckin’ bitter about it. I have every-fuckin’-right to be. And as for the Gryphon? He attacked me first. With two other people, might I add? How the hell did I start a fight with three people and come out unscathed? Oh, let me tell you that I’m not a pushover. Just because I let Applejack hit me first doesn’t mean I couldn’t have struck before she did. I just didn’t think she was going to damn near kill me.”

She took a deep breath. “... I suppose I’m not being fair to you, and now that I know that there were two more ponies involved in that little kerfuffle, I see where you’re coming from… It’s because you feel so strongly about the situation with Applejack that I want you to stay in Canterlot for a while longer, Max.” I rolled my eyes. “Look at the silver lining, it’ll give us an opportunity to try to understand each other better, and we can sort out what exactly it is we have.”

I nodded, feeling drained from getting nowhere in our conversation only to come to a half-arsed compromise. I closed the distance between us and took her hands, looking into Celestia’s eyes, my own frustration mirrored in those beautiful pink gems. “Why do things have to get so labyrinthine before they even get started?” I inquired softly. “... I just wanted to leave my past behind… It shouldn’t have even been brought up-”

“I’m a Princess and you’re a one of a kind being in this world. Life wouldn't make sense if it wasn't as complicated as it is. Though, if it makes you feel any better, you have my heart and my trust. Trust as in I trust you not to buck things up completely with my little ponies, and I trust you not to trod upon my heart.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sunbutt, I truly do appreciate it. You have my heart as well, just be careful not to drop it or poke it, it's not seen much use in the past few years.” I leaned in and kissed her, savoring the moment, feeling the electricity return to run rampant throughout my being all over again.

"You worry me with some of the things you say, Max," She said after she parted.

“I’ll try to-”

“No, it’s just because it’s true.” She gave me a sad smile, holding onto my arms, “... We’ll make a better life for you here. I promise you that much… I just wish that you weren’t… That you didn’t have so many good reasons to be jaded.” At least you acknowledge that they’re good reasons.

After leaving Celestia to do her Royal Duties, I asked some of the castle staff to direct me to Luna’s chambers. After a few shrug offs and a few more terrified looks, I ultimately made my way there about an hour later. I hadn’t been allowed to explore all areas of the castle, and Luna’s wing had been one of those areas. I had to narrow it down on my own with some help from the guards, and once I explained that I was courting Celestia and wished to ask her sister’s permission, I was expediently shown the correct hall after laughter was promptly choked down. As I knocked upon her heavy ebony-wood door, a sense of foreboding overtook me. As I try to be a brave man, turning back was not an option. I mean, it totally was since I only try to be brave and being too brave is foolish, but you get the idea. At least, I get the idea, and if someone other than me is fucking reading these, then you should quickly and painfully unlife to death. Getting back on track, I really was coming to get more used to Luna and hoped that we could have a relationship that was platonic and wholesome, even if I was pretty sure that she was still fully prepared to kill me if I ever did anything wrong. Just as I was about to knock again, I heard a sleepy Luna permit my entrance.

“What dost thou want, servant? Thou knowest it is time for our rest.” Luna called from across her dark room.

All I could see within it was the sliver lit by the light of the hall, and what little I could see was mostly navy blue or black Victorian era-esque furnishings

“I’m no servant, Luna, though I can come back later,” I responded.

“Max? Was our talk not scheduled for a later date?” Luna asked peevishly

“Yeah, but I’ve come to formally ask your permission to court Celestia. Yes, I know we’ve already got a thing going, but your approval would mean plenty to me.”

“Shut thine mouth and return upon nightfall. T'is time for our beauty rest, we have no patience for such matters now.” She called back.

With that I made my way back to the castle’s gardens to grab Lupa so I could spend a little time with her. We hadn't really spent much time together since Ponyville and yesterday when I got thrown out of the castle temporarily. I'd really taken to her as a kindred spirit; fiercely loyal to those she deemed worthy and ready to defend them to the end. I came to think of her as a sister that couldn't speak but could understand. She was one who wouldn't judge me no matter how stupid a mistake I made, but I knew she would probably find a wolfy way to laugh at my dumb arse. Such is the relationship between wolf and man since days long past. Companions ‘til the bitter end.

Or she liked me because I pet her and gave her cuddles. Whichever.

I strolled around the castle grounds with Lupa by my side, talking to her about the events that had passed since we'd spoken yesterday. Of course, she listened and even occasionally growled or snorted a response every once in a while when I mentioned a poor joke I'd made. With so much going on within the timespan of just a couple short weeks, it felt good to take the burden from my shoulders and relax, which reminded me that I needed to introduce Lupa to Celestia some time.I figured I’d introduce her sooner rather than later, so I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and her ears twitched. I got the most ‘Are you serious right now?’ kind of look I could have ever anticipated from a wolf and reworded my question, blushing all the while. She just snorted and lead the way to Day Court while my feelings were busy being hurt.

Filling out the copious stacks of paperwork required to get an audience in Day Court was ridiculous, and it was even more so when the Administrator learned that I planned on bringing what was effectively a dire wolf into court with me as a witness. It took hours to fulfill all the necessary forms, but by the time I’d completed them, it was sunset and most of the Ponies in line had forsaken their turn to return for tomorrow, thus I was granted a spot near the front of the line, waiting only fifteen more minutes for an audience with Celestia. Once it was my turn, Lupa and I were given a wide berth as we approached. Celestia’s eyes lit up and a smile graced her lovely features once we made eye contact.

“Hullo there, love. I’ve brought someone to meet you,” I called from across the dais

“I’ve already met Lupa, but thank you for breaking the monotony of Day Court, Max. I’m sure it was plenty of trouble to get in here, let alone with Lupa en tow.”

“I don’t see how anyone deals with the paperwork. The forms just for me were asinine! You wouldn’t believe the stack of forms it took to get her in here too! Just why is the bureaucracy so hard up on making life difficult, dammit!?”

“I assure you, dear, I understand all too well. Now, as much as I’d love to keep you around until Day Court ends…”

“But I have a grievance! Like, why do you already know Lupa’s name? And can we put a lock on your chambers?”

I heard a few chuckles from court officials and even one from Celestia herself. I don’t believe I could ever hear enough of her sweet, melodic laughter. “There already is a lock on that door, it just doesn’t work on Twilight for some odd reason. I happened to meet Lupa the first day you two came here while you were neglecting your responsibilities as her master. Any more questions, dear?”

“Just two more and I’ll be finished, I promise.”

“And the first question is?”

“Roses or Lilies?”

“Roses. You should’ve known that already, I’m too classy for lilies.”

“If you have to say it, I don’t think it's true, love.”

“Hush, now. If you embarrass me in court I’ll make you sit through a day of it with me.”

“Sounds like a date. How about tomorrow, my sunrise Sugar Dumpling?” The chuckles from before turned into barely contained laughter and my own smile widened.

“Let’s make that two days then. Keep it up and it’ll be three!” Celestia mock threatened

“All the more time to spend with Your Highness. Or Should I say, Your Hotness?”

“Didn’t you have another question?”

“Can I lick your cakes?”

“Before I eat them?”

“Sure. That’s what I meant.”

She raised her brow and gave me an amused look. “Wha- Oh.” Celestia smiled coyly. “Well, I expect you to at some level now that I know you’re aware of what it is and that you enjoy it.”

“Then why don’t we-”

“Max.”

“Leaving now. You’re such a tease.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and bid me farewell. I blew her a kiss and went to the Dining Hall to wait for dinner since I had little else to do, though Lupa stayed with me for once. It was nice to have her around and to be able to talk to her while we waited. I also learned that there were going to be beans, soybeans, eggs, and tofu at dinner from one of the staff members who saw me while I was waiting. I could eat most of that crap, but the tofu wasn’t happening. Tried it, hated it, not happening again. While I was waiting, I bounced a few more jokes off of Lupa, earning snorts for funny jokes and growls for terrible ones.

How a wolf understands Human humor baffles me, but one should never look a gift wolf in the mouth.

I only waited a few more minutes outside in the hall before Celestia and Luna joined me. Twilight had returned to Ponyville earlier in the day. Between the three of us, we talked about what had gone on in Day Court until I sat back and allowed the two sisters to ignore me for a while. Grinning to myself as I stroked Lupa’s head, I soaked in the newfound camaraderie I shared with both of the Princesses. I was somewhat worried about ruining the good vibes I had with Luna at the moment by way of royally bollixing the talk I was going to have with her. I just needed to remind myself that if she propositioned me, I would have to get Sunbutt’s permission (Or participation) beforehand. Not that I would ever take her up on the offer should it be made in the near future. The woman had been awfully hostile when we first met, and despite my mild infatuation, it wasn’t enough to make me want to give her a good time. First impressions matter, after all.

Dinner passed without event, and I got a goodnight kiss from Celestia while Luna made a sour face. We’d remained seated while Celly rose and left. It wasn’t quiet for very long, though Celestia told us both to play nice, more or less. “So, thou desire our sister’s hand in marriage, yes?” Luna inquired neutrally.

“Well, I wouldn’t say that just yet-”

Her eyes narrowed. “Then what wouldst thou say?”

“I just want to date her and get to know her better right now. Celestia seems like a better woman than most I’ve ever known, but caution makes the heart beat longer just as absence makes the heart grow fonder,” I replied.

“For what reason wouldst one court another if not for the sake of marriage? Such matters matter not to one such as us.”

“Marriage is the end goal, love, not the top priority. Finding out how you work together is an important part of making a relationship fulfill its full potential.”

“... We suppose thine answer is sufficient, if not somewhat convoluted. So how doth thou believe thine relationship is proceeding with our sister?”

“I believe it’s going well so far, but we did just have a decent row this morning.” I rubbed the back of my head. “It’s too early to tell quite yet... I like Celestia; she’s a kind, loving, warm, friendly soul with a genuine heart. Her playful nature certainly doesn’t hurt when it comes to keeping things interesting, though I really just want to see what else there is to her.”

“Oh, thou hath not witnessed the worst of our sister quite yet. Her playful nature has lead to a great many years of tomfoolery between us, both within and without the courtroom.”

“I believe that to the ‘T’. She seems like the pranking type, to be honest with you. Care to elaborate on some of her objectively worse moments?” I gave her a devious smile.

“We are going to have to acclimate to the honesty of a thief, thou seemest genuine most times, but others thou seem to mean little of what ye say.”

“It’s because my sarcasm runs deep, love. Once you can tell the difference and stop taking me seriously all the time, I think you’ll find that I grow on you. A lot of people can’t really deal with me because I joke and speak in the same tones, but I’ve been told that I have weird tics and other tells that let people know when I mean no harm. Now, how about those stories of Celly?”

“Celly?” Luna asked incredulously. “Such abbreviations are meant for those far closer to her than thee!”

“What about Sunbutt?”

“... That is very amusing.” Luna’s own smile was pretty dark. “We shall spread this moniker through our associates.”

“Sweet. By the by, in modern times it’s pretty common to abbreviate names. Like how You and Celestia call me ‘Max’ instead of ‘Maximus’-”

“That is a terrible and false example, arrogant foal.”

“Or... like how Celestia and I call Twilight ‘Twilight’ instead of Twilight Sparkle. It’s a matter of convenience, not familiarity… Bitch. How do you like that for a nickname? Bitch-trousers.”

“Dost thou not remember thine pleasure at not being assassinated?”

“You’re not allowed to do that anyway.” I hope.

She sighed way too hard at that. “These changing times take their toll on an old soul, Maximilian. We find it difficult at times to adjust to some of the finer nuances of this era.”

“Max is short for Maximus like I just said, Princess. It's from an old, dead language on my planet that people stopped widely speaking some odd years ago. My Dad taught me a few words and I studied it a bit in my spare time, or at least I read up on it. And of course trying to adjust takes time; We’re in similar boats on that one. You’ve missed about a thousand years of slang and societal changes, and I can’t even say the word for an equine with four legs without pissing someone off or getting nagged. Unfortunately, it's not going to be a quick process or a terribly easy one, but I’m sure you of all people will manage with no small amount of grace.”

She raised a brow. “What is the name for said equine?”

“Horse, but with an ‘H’ instead of a ‘W’.”

“... Thou jest, surely?”

“No, they were actual animals and so were Ponies. Just with four legs. And normal coats. None of them look like your lovely self or any Pony for that matter, especially since they come in the earth tones from black or brown to white or eggy.”

“Flattery will get thee nowhere with us, Maximus. Perhaps we should speak of thine past rather than our present?”

I sighed. “Of course... There really isn’t much to talk about, Princess. Went to school until I was a little older than fifteen when I could, dropped out to start nicking whatever would sell well to keep my stomach full, bounced around from place to place until I found a hidey-hole I could call my own with a brother I loved more than anyone I ever had til that point, and made shady acquaintances that could’ve gotten me offed just as well as saved my hide. Granted, my life’s been interesting, but I would’ve much preferred safe and boring.”

Luna chewed on that tidbit of information for a while along with a leaf of some kind. “So thou openly admits to having been a delinquent youth, yet thou wouldst still think thyself worthy of our sister’s hand? A Princess of the most powerful country on Equus marrying a guttersnipe pauper? Thou hath lofty ambitions, Maximus.”

“You know, normally I‘d be giving you an earful for that little jab but I just got a kiss from the prettiest woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, so I’ll let it slide. Oh wait,” I flashed her my index and middle finger, with the back of my hand facing her. “never mind.”

Luna’s eyebrow raised. “Is that supposed to mean something?”

I lowered one finger. She got the point if the look on her face was anything to go by. “Is there anything else you’d like to know, Princess Punchable?”

“...Thou truly hath no respect for authority. Doth thou not have royalty where ye come from?”

“Oh, we have a Queen, but she has little power these days. I guess people just didn’t trust one person to run the country. Before you take offense, no she isn’t some immortal or long-lived Monarch, just another person with a little more power than most, so she can’t really be compared to yourself or Celestia. Yeah, she’s old, but she’s normal-lifespan old. Like, late eighties, early nineties, I think.”

“What happened in your land to cause your Queen’s position to fall into such disarray?”

“Ah, it wasn’t anywhere near the modern era, but there were a lot of Kings and Queens that were pretty shite to your average person and people eventually got tired of being downtrodden. It’s not just my country that de-powered the Royal Bloodlines; It was the majority of the planet. The people of Earth just didn’t think one person could do the job if they were born into it, so we started electing the leaders we wanted in Parliament or office and went from there. The Magna Carta, a document that basically gave power to Parliament, was a keystone achievement in humanitarian things. I’m rather surprised that you and Celestia do so much work when you could easily appoint someone to do it for you or have, like, a Congress or something help out.”

“Such is not the place of a ruler to task another with these vital matters. T'is the place of a ruler to directly oversee as many of the daily troubles of the land as they can. The burden of a Princess is not a light one indeed., and it should not be taken lightly in any case. We along with our sister have tried to allow our ponies to dictate themselves over the years, but injustices came along with that style of governing and we decided that we ourselves would do more of the governing. We are, ourselves, both check and balance when those who would use their power for nefarious means wouldst choose to do so.”

“You’re the one who makes the rules, Princess. If you don’t feel like handling that crap for much longer, you could always give the bureaucracy something to do besides make lives difficult for the sake of being obtuse. Honestly, why do I have to fill out duplicate copies just to see a Princess? If you’re not terribly busy with your nightly duties, I could help you streamline that crap. I’m told I’m a pretty pragmatic fellow.”

“...We will take your advice into consideration. We do see the benefits of making the process more efficient-”

“And considerably less tedious.”

Luna cut me a sharp glare for interrupting her. “But it will not be a simple process. We doubt those without extenuating knowledge of how to operate within the bureaucracy will understand how to change it without rendering the fragile structure that it is completely void.”

“Or having an outsider's perspective could prove to be more fruitful than you might think. People who’ve been operating under the system for years are going to be attuned to the way it works as is. They’re not going to look at it with the same eyes that I will. If anything, it’ll make me feel better about staying here rent free.”

“Oh? And how beith that exactly? By our understanding thou art here under pretenses of Celestia’s friend-come-lover. There are few who would sayeth thou hast no justifiable reason for being here, so long as thou doth not plan upon making this a permanent stay before thee are wed. It was not uncommon for similar circumstances amongst the nobility a thousand years ago. Though…”

“I’m not a noble and I doubt I’ll ever be one of those stuck up, vapid cock-snots. No, I want to repay the kindness shown to me by yourself and Celly, even if it doesn’t necessarily help you guys directly. Doing something for your people should count for something, I think. Can’t really say what you’d consider a favor, but it has been nice to help the staff out when they need a hand with something.”

“We, Celestia and ourself, would consider most boons to our subjects personal favors if done without expectation of reward other than the altruistic warmth one should receive anyway. To repay a debt is a noble cause. We have to admit, thou art slowly changing our interpretation of thine character. T'would seem that thou art more than a common thief.”

“Oh Lulu, I've always been more than a common thief. I was good at what I did, and I hate to say this, but for a time I took pride in it. Hell, the only reason I ever even got put on the radar was because of a favor I pulled for someone. I saved a so-called friend’s ass when he fucked up big time. Turns out it was a setup, but that's not important. What is important is that I was a good thief and generally only tried to take jobs that were well-warranted in the first place. Yeah, I worked for bad people sometimes, but I also played both sides of the law with my own judgement.”

“Do not call us Lulu. We find it very difficult to believe that one that would repay their debts out of nobility would take pride in stealing the possessions of others. Dost thou wish to explain?”

“Happily. I never quite took pride in stealing per se. Shit just wasn't in my nature, I just happened to be good at it. No, what I took pride in was not getting caught, getting in and out without making a sound. Maybe making a difference in someone’s life when something was taken from them that they valued more than it was actually worth. That, as you may or may not know, is something to be proud of. From the most modest prankster to an experienced thief, silent movement is probably one of the most useful skills one could practice, and helping people? The most noble cause I’ve ever taken part in.”

“Now that… Both of those facets...” She steepled her fingers, a thoughtful look crossing her face. “We could use such a crafty fellow such as yourself..”

I gave her a winsome smile. "I am so ready for a prank."

"Not what we had in mind. How wouldst thou respond to a little job? A task, one might say."

Why do I feel like I'm about to get burned big time? "Yeet?"

“Yeet…?”

“Yaw bitch yaw!”

“Thou art a foal.”

“I’ll do the thing.”

“Go to your room.”

“But mummy~”

She rolled her eyes, giving me a look. “Go.”

I got up and flipped her off again. “Take it easy, Lulu.”

“Do not call us-”

“Woona?”

Her horn lit up and I was back in my room, laughing my arse off as I got all this written down. It’s been a helluva day… I just hope I don’t have to talk to Applejack anytime soon, but…feel kinda bad for the gal. I still remember the look on her face when she beat my arse into a glarse, and even then… She still fucked me up over defending myself. I don’t care, I’ll get to it when I get to it. Applejackass can go fuck herself for the time being, I have a task at hand.

Author's Notes:

I would've posted this sooner, but there was a bit to add and it was kind of a bitch to do with the way I worded the chapter. However, rewrite fixes a lot of stuff in one~