Author's Notes:

More words on the Internet. Hell yeah.

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Stay Cool, Kids.

Edit: The past few chapters have been a lot better. I think this is when I started carefully editing my shit. I might be full of it, but things don't suck.

Life had gotten super fucked very quickly and I was the only person I could blame. I should have ran when I had the chance, when I knew the Elfriede wasn’t going to kill me, but instead, my dumbass had to play the part of the estranged rebel trying to do the right thing for his country, and now I was in the Queen’s wardrobe, listening to her tell a false tale of what had happened during the night. After we struck a deal, Elfriede started putting a hastily concocted plan into action and things were going well so far. When dawn came, her personal guards had discovered the bodies outside of her chambers and burst in, though she had already shuttled me into the wardrobe by then since we’d heard them sprinting down the hall. Queen Elfriede told the new guards that there had been a tragedy sometime in the night, but that she had been soundly asleep during the events, cursing herself for her own lack of vigilance. Her guards assuaged her in time, though I knew it was all an act. Elfriede and I had a long conversation about the days that would soon follow, and so far, things were going without a hitch. Slowly, the castle Day Staff were coming across my bloody trail and thanks to Elfriede, I was able to keep Lupa out of harm’s way, due to her claiming Lupa as one of her own dogs of war, though it was hard to explain how one guard had been torn apart. Luckily, there were Dog people on this continent, so Elfriede played it off as having a savage Dog assassin come in and kill the King.

Hours passed and I was stuck in that fucking wardrobe for far longer than I was willing to put up with, but if I exited while there were others in the room, I’d be screwed and the death of the King would immediately be placed on me, despite Elfriede’s own words. With the situation playing out, all I could do was bide my time until the Queen had a spare moment. It got really lonely in that closet, and I had far too much time to think about what I had done. Eleven lives were freshly on my conscience and I was losing my composure rapidly. While left alone to my thoughts, I may or may not have had a small panic attack or three when I considered that I had killed guards that were loyal to Elfriede, and that she would most likely be a bit livid about that. Stuck stewing in my own juices, I worried and fretted in spite of my rational side doing its best to batten down the emotional hatches. I had just saved thousands of lives with my actions: now was not the time to be feeling regret, remorse, or trepidation. If anything, now was the time to keep fighting and keep the fire in my belly burning. I would have to if I wanted to make it out of this situation alive.

I had swallowed most of my emotions by the time Elfriede came back for me, leaving me feeling somewhat numb, though I was thankful that I had run out of things to feel. I was getting tired of it. The Queen whisked open the doors to her wardrobe and I slowly made my way out, my joints aching from being confined into one position for the better part of six hours. Elfriede stood above me with her arms crossed, a certain light dancing in her eyes that didn’t quite seem like it belonged to someone who had just lost their partner of two decades.

“Are you going to take all day, or are we going to be able to get something done?” Elfriede asked peevishly.

“Gimme a moment, will you? I’ve been sitting like that for the better part of the day!” I protested.

Elfriede cracked a wry smile. “It’s funny that you think I care about how you feel, Kingslayer. Hurry up, we only have so long to get you out of the castle.” She began to walk away while I was stretching.

”I’m just surprised you haven’t killed me for taking out so many guards yet.” I commented carefully.

She tsked. “Most of my current guards hold few well wishes for me. It should come as no surprise that I offer them the same courtesy.”

“Fair enough, I suppose. Where am I running off to, by the way? I’d like to know my destination before we start the journey.”

“Your destination is an inn called ‘The Chicken’s Coop’. From there, you’ll speak to a pony Feather Cap and he’ll fill you in on your first target.”

“Chicken’s Coop, Feather Cap. Gotcha. When do I go?”

“Whenever you want, you just have to time it right, which really shouldn’t be a problem for you of all people.” She responded acerbically.

“...Shall we go back to ‘Your Majesty’?” I was playing a dangerous game here.

Elfriede’s eye twitched. “Are you truly an idiot?”

“Some would say that statement is true, but many of that number would also attest to my genius, Your Majesty.”

“I will kill you for insolence, you do know this, correct?”

“I have good qualities that we’re totally ignoring right now.”

“I have ten sharp talons and zero patience.”

“...Duly noted.”

“If you’re done being a smartass, then I have something to tell you about that will make your mind explode with awe.” She smirked.

“You have my interest.”

Elfriede walked over to a bookshelf on the west wall, standing near it triumphantly for no apparent reason, other than the obvious one.

“Secret staircase?” I asked brusquely.

“...Why am I letting you live again?” She squawked back.

“It’s obviously not because I’m cute, totally not it.” I nodded sagely.

“That might be a part of it. What are you, anyways? I’ve met with some of the Monkey Tribal Ambassadors, but you don’t look like any I’ve met so far. Are you from a far away tribe with little representation?”

“I’m a human, not a monkey, and the reason you haven’t seen more of me is because I’m the only one on this planet. That I know of, at least.”

“Oh, the last member of an extinct species? I’ve got to say, that sounds like a delightful backstory. It also gives me another reason to keep you alive, so hooray for you.”

“Yeah, thanks a tonne. Can you show me what book to pull on, now?”

“You’re such a buzzard, you know that? What happened to your subservience?”

My words tumbled out. “I sat alone in a closet for six fucking hours thinking about all the guys I’d just killed for the cause, how I watched their heads fall or splatter, how I saw my wolf tear a guy’s beak off, and I just convinced the widow of a man I’ve killed to, instead of getting her revenge, use me to further her political status. All of this might be for the greater good, but I never knew how the burden of actions would affect me. I’m kinda just comfortably numb at this point. Fuck it.”

Elfriede shook her head at me like she was dealing with a child. “Such soft hearted tendencies mean that you can’t have been in this business for long, but that means either my guards are poorly managed or that you’re incredibly stealthy, which leads me to wonder how you garnered these skills.”

“I expected no sympathy, yet I’m still disappointed.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry my darling little fledgling, let momma kiss your boo boo.” Elfriede spat sarcastically. “How did you gain the abilities needed to infiltrate the castle?”

“My old job and I died. Which book do I pull? Some one could fly by or something at any moment, so we should get a move on.”

Elfriede scoffed. “Our people know better, ground pounder. What was your old job?”

I sighed. “I was a thief.”

“...Seriously?”

“Yup.”

She seemed to be having a spot of trouble. “You... You’re… You’re not even an assassin are you? You’re just some punk off the street with a little bit of stealth under his wing!”

“When you put it like that, this sounds so ludicrous. It’s a fucking miracle that it worked, to be honest with you. Do you know how hard it is to keep a dire wolf from knocking everything over?”

Elfriede assumed the position: arms up, elbows at a ninety degree angle, fingertips pressed and ready to go, their target being her feathery temple. “The King of Gryphonia, slain by a feather plucking thief and his dog. What is this world coming to?” She went from rubbing her temples while standing to go do it on a couch near the bookcase.

“I know, love. The world’s fucked in all the right ways, and the stars are perfectly aligned in a perfect, cosmically kinky daisy chain just to add in that extra bit of flavor.” I gave her a winsome grin. “At the very least you can be glad that you’ve added a newly dead inside thief come assassin into your life! Doesn’t happen everyday, now does it?”

“Neither do headaches like this one. It’s the red book, fifth from the top on the left side. Just…” She grunted.

I pulled the proper book and the staircase opened. “I really am a proper pain in the arse, aren’t I? Have a good day love, and welcome to the single life!” I exited quickly, but not before I heard Elfriede groan one more time. With a mirthless chuckle, I followed the tunnel to its end, winding in what felt like endless circles until I finally reached a door to the outside.

Once outside, I had a place I needed needed to be, though the random alley that I was in held no notices of any kind that may have told me where I was. Lost and confused, I meandered about until I came to a main road and started asking for directions once again. After quite a few dead ends that only served to piss me off, I eventually found my way to the Chicken’s Coop later in the day than I would have preferred, though I couldn’t complain about not being able to find Feather Cap. The guy was literally wearing a feathered cap and was the only pony in the place, so I would have had to been blind to miss him. I quickly approached my contact and settled into the seat next to him at the bar.

“Lovely day for a drink, yeah?” I remarked.

“You’re telling me,” He replied evenly, “Adolf’s dead, and people are practically running down the streets hooping and hollering. Chicken’s Coop is the only place to catch a quiet drink in this town right now.”

“I wonder why that is. Loyalist bar?”

“Nah, it’s just the clientele. Bunch of old drunkards who couldn’t care less about what’s on the throne.”

The bartender swung by and I ordered a beer. “Not bad, I guess. So…”

“So. I suppose our mutual friend has told you what you’re doing?” Cap asked.

“I have a rough idea. I just need to be pointed in the right direction.”

“Right you are, bud. You’re going to a town called Banff in the northern reaches of the territory, and your mark’s name is Blitz, as well as his brother Krieg. In three days, they’re slated to be together in the same house, so you’ll be able to knock two birds out with one stone. Blitz’s manor is the largest in the territory on the west side of town and the security should be light. If there’s anything that living in Gryphonia has told me, it’s that Gryphons think that their reputation matters more than it does, and that their cockiness makes it way too easy to pull the wool over their eyes.” Feather cap sipped his beer.

“Pretty dark musings for a Pony.”

“Yeah? So?”

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.” I mimicked him and we didn’t talk after that, though I still took the time to enjoy my beer.

After paying for the one shitty pint of rotgut, I got a move on and made my way toward the north gate on the outskirts of the good half of town. After grabbing my satchel from the inn that I had left it at and buying some provisions, I started my penance.

Now, if the walk to Otterwa had been base level boring, then the walk to Banff was so far above it that it was a speck in the distance. Without Lupa’s company, it was a tedious task to wander down lonely roads and camp off the just off the road for the night, but it was a full day’s travel to get to Banff from Otterwa and I needed to keep a reasonable pace, so I stopped to rest as rarely as I could and managed to get to my target late into the afternoon the next day.

The town itself was around the same size as Hooverton, but the way the town was built made it seem much more compact. Houses filled every gap outside of town, and near the town square, shops lined every street. I stopped in a couple shops, browsing around to replace my regular black gloves with some climbing gloves, which I managed to get for a great prices since they were pretty much only useful to ponies. Why the shop even had them, I don’t know, but I was lucky to find a pair of random handmade gloves that fit as well as these did. You know that feeling when you make a purchase and you’re absolutely certain that it was a good one? Yeah, it was that feeling, but on a handheld scale.

I wandered around Banff for some time, taking in the sights and possible places to lose a tail should I pick up yet another one. Thankfully, I found one of the town’s inns and managed to book it for two nights, giving me time to catch up on some much needed rest.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I started my scouting at dawn after a restless night, but after hours of seeing nothing of interest, I found myself frustrated that I couldn’t just move in tonight and get the job done with. Patience was a virtue that I was lacking more and more, though it’s not like I was particularly upset. Ever since my time in the wardrobe, I hadn’t been feeling quite right and all the time that I’d had to think was doing nothing but wrecking whatever manner of plan I’d made to deal with the fact that my kill to death ratio was officially eighteen and one. If life were a videogame, I would probably be happier with that score, but there was a guy back in the nineteen forties that went like, twenty million and one, so I wouldn’t even rank on the leaderboards, which bummed me out. Fuck Stalin.

I took notice of the sudden increase in dark humor that I’d been partaking in and wondered if I’d gotten depressed again. I mean, I felt fine, it was just that everything felt… Muted, like I was watching the color drain from a photo. I wasn’t even sad, just unerringly neutral and that bothered me a little. I chose to let it go and deal with it later lest I open a Pandora’s Box and fuck up the future of two countries. With my introspection well and truly quieted, I returned to the boring task of mapping out who went where and what location the most troublesome guards held. I spent all day in that fucking tree only to learn that two of the fattest cats in Gryphonia barely had more security than a fucking museum back in England! There were so many holes in the manor’s defenses that a blind man could walk straight in if he felt like it! I rolled my eyes many times that day and spent much of the night facepalming as I discovered just how easy it was to get up close and personal with the manor.

Ya wanna know how I know? I picked a section of the wall, climbed over it, fucking strolled across the green, climbed to a second story window, and wandered around the property for a bit, and left without seeing so much as a guard! Gryphons were so lax in their security, it was a wonder that Celestia hadn’t just marched an army right on up to her neighbor and just bowled them over like ninepins! Once I’d gotten my frustrations out, I returned to the inn and jotted down my journal entries before going to sleep. Yes, of course I know how dangerous it is for a man on the move to keep a journal, but I also know that having a secret compartment in your bag helps, so suck on that!

The third day came and went, and it had been colder than your ex mother-in-law’s witch titties, carrying over into the night. It was no issue for me since it was only early autumn, but prolonged exposure left me feeling pretty angsty about not having fur sometimes. Seriously, of all the things human had to evolve and get rid of, personal warmth on the go just had to be one of them. Asinine, just utterly and completely asinine.

I hunkered down in the same tree that I had used for my stakeout the day before and scanned the property for any activity. I had seen Krieg’s entourage enter town, and there were certainly more guards posted outside, but they were all grouped in the same places they had been last night! Shaking my head, I made my way down the tree and clambered over the lowish outer wall of Blitz’s manor smoothly. I was feeling better now that I was back in my element, but the prospect of taking more lives stalled me as I prepared to enter the same second story window I had used yesterday. What was keeping me from just cutting my losses and running back home to Equestria? Why the hell was I pretending to be a rebel come loyal supporter after I had gotten off nearly Scott free? I quickly shoved myself the rest of the way in and cast a glance over the room. Nothing moved or stuck out, so I took a moment to think.

If I just stopped giving a fuck about what happened to Lupa, I could go back home and write it off as an accident, and no one would ever know the truth besides the two of us. Lupa couldn’t give up any state secrets or any of my own, so it was down to loyalty that was keeping me around, and I was glad that even in my generally numb state, I would still go through Hell for a friend. Lupa meant too much to me to just leave her behind in a strange land, though I had no doubts that she would be fine even if I was a complete scumbag. With a wry smirk, I strode through Blitz’s mansion like I owned the place, heading straight toward the master bedroom that I had found the day before.

As I was walking, I heard the faint sounds of footsteps, so I cracked open a side door and checked it for any occupants. Upon hearing and seeing nothing inside, I stood behind the door with my ear pressed to it and waited for whoever it was to pass, though the people walking turned out to be slower than a metaphor. I listened carefully and picked up their voices through the door to see if I could hear any vital information.

“...brother, she’ll run the country into the ground!” An older male voice sneered.

“You’re right, but there’s precious little we can do about it, save for sending an assassin. We need to think this out, Krieg. We’ve lost Alger to her, but we still have more weight than him!”

Well, it sounded like I had just met my marks.

I stopped caring about what they were saying and cracked the door open, waiting for them to pass, and once they did, I formed my tentacle, stepped out into the hall, and had to reform it because I forgot that it takes more concentration to move and use my powers. Once I got it back into the arrowhead shape I desired, I reached into a pouch and dropped a few beads of Red Menace onto it. I thought about how I could just kill them outright, or use the blue poison that I had been given, but I wanted it to seem like both brothers had gone raving mad in their last days, so I poked them both with my tendril and drew blood, which was all I needed to do, according to Starshine Nebula’s notes. With my task completed very easily, I went back to the inn. I honestly wish that there was more to the story than that, but it was a seriously overrated mission, to be completely honest. I wondered why the hell Elfriede even needed me to do anything for her if her nobles were so retarded, but then I realized that I have thousands of years of war and espionage behind me when it comes to history, and that this world was, by far, inferior to Earth when it came to information, raw or refined.

With two of my three initial targets taken care of, I trekked back to Otterwa to receive more orders and tried to remind myself to tell Elfriede that Alger, whoever that guy happened to be, was on her side. Once I arrived in town, I made my first stop the Chicken’s Coop, but finding my way back there was a suckfest all on its own. The shitty bar was near the center of the town, which was where things really started getting bad. I was elated to find out that Elfriede had been busy while I was gone, though eavesdropping was swiftly becoming a bad, yet necessary, habit of mine. Through my newly acquired hobby I learned that Elfriede had sided with a peasant in a court case early yesterday morning, levying a heavy fine on the offending noble which was an outrage amongst the upper class. The aristocrats, however, were kept nice and subdued by the cheers of victory from the hoi polloi.

I suppose that I should have been happy to hear that my actions were already changing the world for the better, but I knew that it wouldn’t last. I could feel it deep in my gut, a sense of foreboding that wouldn’t leave me, but as I examined the possible causes, I found my mind returning to Elfriede herself. My instincts were telling me to avoid her, but I was going to have to see her to get Lupa back. Hopefully that would end well for me.

I got to the Chicken’s Coop late in the day and my correspondent was still sitting in the same place, drinking from what looked like the same philter of ale that he had nursed when I’d first met him four days ago. I took up a seat beside him and ordered a dark stout to match my bleak emotional state. The bartender returned with my beer quickly and I nodded my thanks before downing half the thing in one go.

“Job’s done.” I reported calmly.

“Don’t know why you’re telling me.” Feather Cap stared straight ahead.

“I’m telling you because I don’t know the next step, and I don’t know how to get into the castle to speak with the Queen.”

“Did she let you use of one of the secret passageways?”

“She did, but I don’t remember the entrance.”

“Was it the one from her personal chambers?” Feather Cap said as he pulled a fountain pen from his pocket and loaded it before bringing out a piece of paper.

“Yup.”

He rolled his eyes and started writing things down. “I don’t know how to get to that one since it’s not my business to know, but that one will get you into the northern tower. Follow the directions and you should be able to get in there one way or another.”

“Thanks, mate.” I grabbed the proffered paper and downed the rest of my stout before dropping a few Gryphonian marks on the table. “Let’s hope we don’t keep meeting here, yeah?”

“I’m always here, bud. Just the way I like it.” Feather Cap blinked slowly and lifted his beer to me.

I took my leave and started following the directions that Feather Cap had written down, though deciphering his chicken scratch was an art of its own. After far too much time spent in the red light district (No, I didn’t imbibe), I found the correct alley way, the correct wall, and the correct brick to kick. The wall sank into the ground and I cast a quick glance in either direction before I stepped into the relative darkness. Light filtered through opening in the tunnels, and the floors were lined with trash, but I suppose that’s what you get for combining secret tunnels with storm drains, now isn’t it?

The tunnel surfaced in a random room on the second floor of the northern tower, which was a bit troublesome. Less troublesome was the window that lead to the easily scaled wall outside. After stretching my fingers and toes a bit, I checked the air outside for any rogue fliers, but saw no one in the air. Once I was sure that I was in the clear, I began my ascent up the vertical surface, carefully making progress as the wind picked up. Once or twice I lost my footing, though I was a skilled enough climber to make it work without panicking. Make no mistake: I’m always scared shitless when I’m at a lethal height, but I trust myself enough to know that if I fucked up, then it was probably less my fault than my luck.

Still, climbing was probably my best and most nurtured talent, so when I got to Elfriede’s window, I wasn’t surprised that I was alive. I was, however, surprised to find that there was no bed in the chamber. After a quick scan, I sprinted across the room and tucked myself into the hiding place that I had used before, though I hoped that I would have an audience with Elfriede sooner rather than later. After an hour or so of waiting, I finally heard steps enter the room, but there were far too many sets for me to risk coming out, so I stayed put and kept an ear out for the Queen’s voice.

I definitely heard her, but it sounded like she was passing out orders to whoever was in the room with her. After two loud thuds and some scraping, the doors closed with a slam and the Queen sighed, two shoe like clatters ringing out in the spartan chamber. I edged the door open and peered around. Once I was sure that there was no one else in the room, I stuck my head out and double checked before knocking on the wood. Elfriede jumped up from her bed and stared in my direction, watching me as I clumsily exited the wardrobe yet again.

“Hullo, love. Did you miss me much?” I asked flippantly.

“No. I’ve already heard the news. Good work, though I wonder how you managed to make them both go mad.” She smirked. “I’ll bet you tied them down and just spoke your mind for a few minutes. That should be enough to make any man lose his mind.”

“Your compliments are too much for humble, handsome me. Who’s up next?”

“So eager to kill, are we?” Elfriede grinned.

“Eager to finish these tasks so I can go home. You only begin to realize how much you miss it when you spend so much time away.”

“I suppose that’s not as ridiculous as some of the things you’ve said, but it’s still not what I had in mind for you. No, you’re not going to see your home for a while longer, Kingslayer.”

“You know my name so why don’t you use it?” I asked sharply.

“Because I know it’s fake, you idiot. I also know that you’re not a rebel.” Elfriede started walking in my direction, levelling a glare at me. “I had a meeting with the leader of the rebellion yesterday, and he said that they’d had a plan in preparation, but nothing concrete, so that leaves me with two possibilities.” She stopped a meter or so away from me.

“Let me save you the trouble. I’m actually an Equestrian, though I wasn’t born there. I actually come from a different world altogether.”

“...Right. And I’m actually Celestia in disguise.”

My face was utterly flat, and Elfriede’s face was a mask, though I could still tell that she was furious from her posture. “I’m not lying, love. I really did pop in from a different world, though I don’t really know why.”

Elfriede took a deep breath and let it out. “For the thousandth time, I’m wondering why I let you live.”

“I’m cute and useful, and don’t pretend otherwise.”

“While true, I don’t believe that outweighs the fact that you both killed my husband and lied to me.”

“Which one are you more upset about?”

“The lying bit. I’ve made my peace with my husband’s death. He was a violent fool.”

“Then I would like to sincerely apologize for lying to you, but I kind of thought that it was the only way I was going to survive.”

“Survival of the smartest, though I loathe calling you any such word.”

“Love you too, dollface. So where are we? I still owe you an assassination and you still have my pretty little pupper. I’d like to know she’s okay before I make another move.”

The Queen rolled her eyes and braced her fingertips against her brow. “I don’t know, to be honest with you. I want you dead, but you’ve done both me and my country a favor in killing my husband, and my people are actually parading down the streets in joy, all because of you. After you take out a noble named Alger, I’ll let you go. Keeping you around is something that will only end in more headaches for me.”

“I told you that you were better suited for ruling. Hell, everything I told you was straight from the mouths of your people, though I just put it in different words, so you should take some more credit for yourself. As for keeping me around, I might see you again some time, just don’t get your hopes up.” I tapped my chin and retraced over what she had said. “Oh, and as for the job, I can’t do it. Alger is supporting you now, if Blitz and Krieg’s words are anything to go by.”

“Alger’s aid is quite the boon, and with Blitz’s property up in the air, now might be a good time to start weeding out more nobles.” A ghost of a smile formed at the corners of her beak which confused me a bit. How do beaks move?

“You’re just coming up with more shit to do now, aren’t you?”

“What, you can dish it out, but can’t receive?”

“Yeah, it’s just like my policy on anal.” The Queen blinked. “That aside, it’s been nice knowing you so far, Elfriede. You’re probably the best queen I’ve ever met.”

She gave me a flat look and scoffed. “I’m likely the only queen you’ve met, fool. And as much as I hate to say it, there’s just something about you that I can’t bring myself to hate. I can despise the rest of you, of course, but there’s just the one thing, and it’s keeping you alive, so watch what you say.”

“You know you love having someone around who doesn’t give two shits about your station. Well, besides making sure you stay in that station.”

“...It’s been a new experience, I’ll give you that much.”

“My point exactly!” I grinned. “Life’s no fun if you get used to the same boring routine.”

“You have a terrible way of livening things up.” She criticized.

“It might be terrible, but it’s unique.”

She waved a hand in my direction and stepped a bit closer, leaving us with about a foot and a half between us. “True. Do you remember what I said about the stages of your punishment?”

“...Yes?”

She smirked. “Give me your arm.”

I cautiously removed my jacket and bared my left forearm, allowing Elfriede to hold it in her talons. Wordlessly, she started lightly tracing words on my skin, slowly pressing harder the further she went. When she finished, the word ‘Kingslayer’ was lightly scratched into the top layer of skin.

“How was that?” She asked coyly, giving me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“...It was odd.” I tried to take my arm back, but she held fast. “That’s not the end of this, is it?”

“Oh, no,” She cackled softly. “If you want to leave with your dog, you’ve got six more tracings to go. This is actually rather tame compared to what I was going to do to you.”

“...So if I don’t want to leave with Lupa, I can skip you slowly tearing into my flesh?”

“That’s what I implied, isn’t it?” She said with a smug look on her face.

“Let’s just get this over with.”

The process was repeated six more times with Elfriede cutting deeper and deeper as we rose through the numbers. When we reached the seventh and final tracing, I was pouring blood from my forearm and I was in no small amount of pain, my jaw locking up from trying to keep my silence. Thankfully, when Elfriede was done with her little punishment, she poked through her night stand until she found a first aid kit that had been well used over the years.

I have to say, being sewn up by a Queen sucks. A lot. Her embroidery was perfect, mind you, but Elfriede was not kind when it came to the needle, and I feel like she went much deeper than she needed to in order to stop e from bleeding all over the place. My head was starting to spin from losing so much blood over the course of ten or so minutes, but I still had my wits about me, and my healing factor helped with stopping the bleeding minutes after we finished patching me up.

“Seriously, why did you slice me up if you were just going to nurse me? That makes no sense!” I muttered darkly.

Elfriede rolled her eyes. “It’s symbolic in Gryphonian culture, you imbecile. Carving one’s title into their flesh is either an honor or a shame depending on the situation. I actually have the word ‘Queen’ carved into my thigh.”

“...So what if you change titles more than once?”

“It’s optional if it’s an honor, unlike your case. Hurry up and put that ugly jacket back on so we can get you your dog and get you both out of my castle.” Bitch, my fashion sense is fabulous.

I shook my head and retrieved my jacket from where I dropped it. “Are we just walking through the front door or what?”

“There’s no reason to hide you, other than to put an end to gossip before it begins.” Elfride threw a heavy fur coat and walked over to the door. “Are you coming or not? We may have all day, but that doesn’t mean I want to spend it all with you.”

“You’d rather spend the time with me in you, am I right?”

“Yes, but that’s not what matters right now.”

I wasn’t expecting her to say that.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

With Elfriede leading the charge, we retraced my steps through the castle and shocked the shit out the small battalion that was guarding her room. Of course they’d never seen me enter, and I was sure that they had heard the last words out of our mouths. I found that thought to be amusing.

I kept an eye on Elfriede as we took a tour of the castle, which was rather interesting since I wasn’t here to kill anyone anymore. Getting all the murder out of your system was a good way to gain an eye for decor, and the Gryphonians certainly did have a way with it. I carefully examined the antiques that had once been hiding places for me, but this time, with an appraising eye rather than me just trying to find a quick place to get out of someone’s line of sight. All in all, the selection was tasteful, if not a bit on the droll side, and I said as much to Elfriede.

“Didn’t you already have a chance to see the sights?” She responded harshly.

“Yes, but I wasn’t taking my time with a beautiful young lady, now was I?” A passing maid stood ramrod straight with her eyes wide and her mouth agape.

“I suppose you weren’t, though I wouldn’t know. Perhaps you find Lupa attractive?”

“Not quite. I’ve never been fond of bitches.”

“So you’d prefer to sodomize a dog?”

“Firstly, ew. Secondly, fucking ew. Thirdly, the only thing I’m gay for is you, dollface.”

“If you keep calling me dollface, I’ll castrate you.”

I grinned. “Is that anything like a blowjob?”

She glanced at me over her shoulder. “I’m sure that’s something sexual in nature, but I’ve never heard of it.”

“Wow. Bed life that boring?”

“What is the action you’re describing?” She asked irritably.

“A blowjob is when you- Oh, wait, no never mind. I forgot you guys had beaks for a moment, no wonder you’ve never heard of it.”

“I wondered. Are you going to continue taking jabs at my uneventful sex life?”

“Are you going to keep responding?”

“Perhaps.”

“Then yeah, probably. When’s the last time you got laid?”

“I think my son is twenty five, so about twenty three years.”

“...That’s a hell of a dry streak.”

She shrugged. “The perks and pitfalls of being a queen are many. Unlike my husband, I was unable to take paramours, though I would have refused them anyways most of the time. I have a few toys that perform better than Adolf ever did.”

“Oh dear. Either your toys are amazing or your husband was shit at his job.”

“He was quite shit, though I have little in the way of reference. Perhaps the next time we meet, I could entice you.”

“Yeah baby, just pour all of your sweet, sexy sarcasm and abuse all over me. You know all the ways to get my motor running, don’t you?” I replied wryly.

“I don’t know what a motor is, but I’m sure I could do whatever you said.”

“How do you know that you’re not doing it already?”

“Do you flirt this much with every woman, or is it just me?”

“In my defense, I’ve never gotten to try laying a queen.”

Elfriede tutted. “All in due time. I wonder if Adolf will roll in his grave when he learns that I bedded the man who killed him!” She cackled.

“Little evil there, dollface.”

“What did I tell you about calling me dollface?”

“To do it as often as possible so I get on your good side?”

“...You’re a taxing individual when you’re not trying to get into my bed.”

“I might be, but I’m worth the frayed nerves most days. I’ve been told that I’m not terrible between the sheets.”

“Simply being not bad is not good.”

“I’m being modest, for once!”

“Oh, is that what that was? I thought you were having a stroke.”

“If I was having a stroke, your feathers would be coated by now.” I quipped.

“The way you speak confuses me, but it’s charming in its own way.”

“Sounds about right. How much further until we pass the kennel?”

“We’ve a few minutes more. Tiring of my company so soon?”

“If I was a masochist, I’d be loving life right now, but all I really want to do is get back to my woman and tell her how much she means to me.”

“You’re already spoken for, and yet you still chase after me? I wondered about your morals, but being an assassin doesn’t afford one such comforts if your actions are anything to go by.”

“They really aren’t. I’m sure you’re well aware of Equestria’s views on polygamy.”

“Actually, I was under the understanding that the ponies were monogamous like my own people.”

“Nope, the ponies sleep around like it’s going out of style. I have three girlfriends and two friends with benefits, though I can’t give no love to one of my girlfriends due to some interference from another.”

“That sounds needlessly complicated and tedious to deal with.”

“It is, but it’s worth it when you have someone to turn to after you’ve pissed one of your girls off. I have yet to piss them all off at the same time, thankfully.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage to do that at least once.” She commented icily.

“Don’t like the idea of sharing so much, do you?”

“I do not. I wouldn't make you my new husband in your wildest dreams, but I would still like a chance to lay you. I’m willing to bet that few women of any race have gotten to sleep with a one of a kind creature.”

“Isn’t xenophilia fun?”

We walked on in silence after that, and I was mildly surprised to find that Elfriede wasn’t just being whimsical. Of course it was fucked up that she wanted me, but there was a lingering feeling of taboo that pervaded through my bones, the thrill of chasing another royal tail making my heart beat just a little faster. Then and there, I made it my personal mission to be a complete slut and sleep with as many ruling powers as possible, starting with Celestia again. That is, if she didn’t find out about the whole going against her specific wishes thing. I sighed when I thought about the consequences of my actions, but I felt justified in making the choices that I had. If Celestia wanted to be mad about preventing a war, then she could be as salty as she wanted: The families I’d kept together would be a comfort to me, even if coming here had cost me what ever piece of her heart I had.

Elfriede lead me to the kennel and I was glad to see that Lupa had been well taken care of while I was gone. Her nails were trimmed, her coat shone, and her teeth were the cringiest shade of white. All in all, Lupa was looking good and relaxed.

“Miss me?” I asked

Elfriede rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me that you’re one of the loons who speak to their pets.”

“Wow. She’s a bigger twat than that one woman in Farrier.” Lupa observed.

“You mean Grape Sprinkles?” I asked. Elfriede stared at me.

“Yeah, that one. She was unpleasant, but this one is borderline hostile.”

“She just takes some getting used to. She might be meaner than you, but I get enough abuse from you that I’m kinda immune to it now.”

“...Are you having a conversation with your dog?” Elfriede asked slowly.

“I understand her words, she understands mine. Can’t you talk to birds or something?”

“I can, but we are like creatures. You look nothing like your pet.”

“Alright, I was taking the piss with you, and we need to set some things straight.” Elfriede lifted an eyebrow. “Lupa is a wolf, not a dog. She was born wild and is wild, she’s just more intelligent than most creatures. And she is my companion, not my pet. She doesn’t follow my orders often enough to be a pet.” Lupa nipped my thigh. “You know it's true.”

“True or not, you don’t have to make me sound like a naughty pup.” Lupa barked.

“Shut up and let the bipeds talk, yeah?” I squatted down and flexed my thumbs in front of her muzzle. “Opposable thumbs only!”

“You are such a pup, it astonishes me that people allow you to have sex.” Lupa jibed.

“Get fucked by Bearett some time and let me know how that goes.”

Elfriede shook her head slowly and started walking off somewhere, not even gesturing for Lupa and I to follow, something I found to be quite rude. It was a quiet walk to wherever we were going and it stretched on and on since the decor seemed to repeat after so many side halls. I swear I saw the same picture hanging in three different places, but when I brought it up to the Queen, she shook her head and kept walking. So much for ice breakers.

Our merry little trio eventually got to a pair of huge double doors. “This is where we say our goodbyes.” Elfriede announced. “From here, you are free to do as you please. Just don’t come back uninvited.”

“So show up whenever it’s convenient for me? Gotcha.” I heard the guards on duty chortle, but the laughter was immediately silenced when Elfriede started glaring. With a flick of her hand, they opened the doors and the mellow light of sunset spilled in, brightening the main hall by a few degrees.

“If you do come uninvited, I expect to see you bumbling from my wardrobe. If you manage to make it that far, I won’t even have you hanged.”

“The thing is, you already know I can get there, it’s just a matter of when I’ll be there.” I started to walk out the door but paused. “Hey, Queen.”

“Yes?”

I turned around and stuck a hand out to her. “My name is Max.”

She looked at my hand for a moment before she took it. “You already know my name, and I don’t feel like going through my titles.”

“Fair enough. Can I call you a friend?” I asked innocently.

“...What are you playing at?”

“The game of friendship!” I gave her a dead smile.

“I’m not fond of that game. It often leads to sharp objects in hard to reach places.”

“Not when you’re friends with me. I promise you that I won’t stab you unless you deserve it.”

“How reassuring. I suppose I could grant you this one, small boon.”

“Thanks, dollface. I’ll make sure you don’t regret it.”

“I already am. Goodbye… Friend.”

“Goodbye, friend. I hope we meet again in more pleasant circumstances.”

Elfriede nodded and I turned to leave once more. Walking through the doors of the castle a free, living man was a great feeling. One that I’ll not soon forget.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I stayed in Otterwa for a few more days since I wasn’t in any real danger now. I toured the city, saw some old ruins, ate a fuckton of meat that was cooked by someone who actually knew what they were doing, and just generally enjoyed not having to deal with any bullshit for a while. Honestly, the drama that followed me in Ponyville was so exhausting in its own right that taking this mission had almost been some kind of murdery vacation, and it was one that I needed. In my short time back in Ponyville, I had already done a fair bit of arguing and making up, and that was after The month long disappearance! I figured that a couple more weeks wouldn’t kill anyone, so I wasn’t in much of a hurry to get home, despite my earlier statements. Yes, I wanted to be home, I just wasn’t quite prepared to deal with the bullshit that would ensue.

The trip back to Hooverton was a tedious one, though Lupa had plenty of stories to share from her time in a kennel. You wouldn’t believe some of the things Gryphons do with honey and peanut butter. It gives me the shivers just thinking about some of what she told me, and I banished any thoughts of doing that to Lupa the moment they crossed into my mind. I had plenty of bipedal things to lick my knob, and none of them were like a sister to me. Lupa and I meandered through Hooverton as the moon was rising, looking for another inn. The one we had visited before was filled with farmers or something, so Lupa and I were looking for a place to stay that wasn’t out in the open. The night before, it had rained on us, so I know that I was looking forward to a warm bed for the night.

Camping fucking sucks.

I only knew one person in Hooverton, and I hoped that they had retained enough of their… Ponyity? Humanity, but for ponies. I hoped that they retained enough humanity to take it a hungry man and his wolf for the night. Since no one was on the streets, I couldn’t exactly as kfor directions, but I was thankful for street signs and a decent memory, both of which played a part in me being able to get back to Starshine Nebula’s flat. After a walk that paled in comparison to the multiple dozens of kilometers I had traversed in the past few days, I stood in front of Nebula’s door, waiting for her to reply to my knocks.

Eventually she came to the door and I waved a greeting. “Hullo, love.”

“...Hi.” Nebula responded eloquently.

“Could I ask a favor of you?”

“That depends on what the favor is.” Nebula answered cautiously.

“I need a place to stay for the night, and the inn’s full to the brim with country folk. Can I crash on your couch.”

Nebula gave me an odd look before she opened her door the rest of the way. “I guess?”

“Thanks, love. I’ll make you breakfast or something as payment.” I gave her a weary grin.

“...Are you okay?” She asked.

“Little worn out from the travel over the border is all. It’s nothing you should worry about too much.” I placated.

“...Right. Hurry up and get in before the neighbors see you.” She stepped aside and gestured for Lupa and I to get our asses in there, so we quickly stepped inside with Nebula leading the way after shutting the door. She dropped us off in her living room and grabbed a few spare blankets for us.

“I don’t have much bedding, but I’m sure you two will make do.” Nebula said.

I nodded. “We will. Thanks for this, love, I’ll owe you one.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. Helping ponies is what it’s supposed to be about anyway.”

“I don’t think that’s either of our specialties, but if that’s what got me a place to sleep, you won’t hear me complaining.” I took one of the blankets from Nebula and sat down.

“Of course. If it’s all the same to you, I’m going back to sleep.”

“Before you do that, I still have some of your presents left over. Do you want them back or should I keep them?”

“Keep ‘em. I get paid to make poisons for Operatives. You’re an Operative, you have some poison. My job was done when I gave it to you.”

“Sweet, can’t wait to kill some squirrels with these!”

“...On second thought, why don’t I hold on to those for you?”

I grinned and handed over the vials. “Thought you’d never ask. I’m not much of a poison kinda guy to be honest with you.”

“Then why did you take them in the first place if you weren’t going to use them?”

“Because it would have been rude to refuse! What am I supposed to do, turn away gifts from everyone just because I don’t intend on using them? They might still come in handy later, and one of those actually did come in handy, so I feel rather justified.”

“You’re a strange one, and coming from me, that’s saying a lot.” Nebula smiled. “Good night, and don’t try and sneak into my room.”

“But you’re so warm and cuddly!”

Nebula shook her head and went back to her domain, leaving Lupa and I to make ourselves comfortable in the limited space of her living room. It wasn’t exactly small, but Nebula’s couch and coffee table were massive, so Lupa had to squeeze in between them to keep her spot next to me. After a few more minutes of getting settled in, we shut up and got ready for an extended nap.

Nightmares woke me up a bit before dawn, but I was getting used to them more and more. My days of waking up in a cold sweat were behind me, and the days of waking up mildly irritated were here. The only thing that really bothered me about them now was the fact that I was losing sleep whenever I woke up, but I was getting used to that too these days. In fact, I was starting to base my day off of when I woke up, and since it was a little after four today, I started writing. I’d brought the blank book that I was using to write the tale of Midnight Stroll, so I flicked on one of Nebula’s lame ass lamps and got to it. After a couple hours of wasting time, I stepped over Lupa and got started on breakfast, and I have to say that for a single person, Nebula kept her pantry well stocked.

I ended up making some pancakes and chopped the stems off of some spinach to make a half decent breakfast, though Lupa paid no mind to the leafy greens. While I was slaving over a hot stove to make something tasty for our host, Lupa went and ate the rest of the jerky we’d brought back from Gryphonia, and I was as salty as the jerky because of it, but I couldn’t dog her out in front of Nebula, so I made a mental note to let Lupa know what I thought about her selfishness later.

Speaking of Nebula, she came into the kitchen shortly after I started brewing some coffee with her hair styled in the typical morning do, which is to say, wild as Hell. I decided not to comment on any of the similarities between her and Twilight because she didn’t know who I was comparing her to and it would have been impolite to compare them anyway. Out loud, at least. I performed a thorough comparison during the silent affair that was breakfast in my head and wasn’t surprised to find that both of the odd, studious, scientist types were nearly two sides of the same coin, at a glance. I didn’t know Nebula well enough to make an in depth hypothesis, but her mannerisms and demeanor during breakfast told me that she was just like Twilight when it came to coffee in the morning. After she had a few sips of my Pitch Black Death™, Nebula perked right up, attacking the plate I’d set in front of her, foregoing the meager picking she’d been doing before the coffee.

Once Nebula finished her coffee and refilled it, she actually started talking. “You know, you’re not that bad at cooking, for a stallion.”

“Thanks love. You’re not that bad at eating, for a woman”

Her little smirk evaporated. “Are you calling me fat?”

“When did I say that? Take my words for what they are, not what you think they mean.” I sipped my coffee.

“You totally called her fat.” Lupa chimed in. I did not honor that with an answer.

Nebula gave me a womanly look and daintily picked at her last few bites of spinach as if she could erase the horrors of the past five minutes by playing nice now. I rolled my eyes at her antics and Lupa picked her plate up from the floor and carried it off to the sink, which got Nebula’s attention.

“...Did your dog just put it’s plate in the sink?” She asked slowly.

“She’s a wolf, not a dog, and yes. Yes she did.” Lupa trotted back to my side and I rubbed her ears.

“Where can I get one?” Nebula asked with a wide smile.

“If you can get lucky enough to have one of my kind imprint on you, I’ll eat Max.” Lupa muttered.

“Lupa says it’s hard to get one of her kind to like you, and if that’s the case, I wonder what they’re like if they hate you.” Lupa nipped my thigh and I swatted her shoulder.

“It seems like you two get along well enough.” Nebula said..

I rolled my eyes. “If you could hear the mouth on Lupa, you would definitely disagree.”

She cocked her head.“She’s pretty vocal for a canine, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“That’s because you only hear her bark or grunt. I actually understand what she’s saying.”

“...Right.” She nodded and subtly leaned away from me.

“You sound like you’re insane whenever you try and tell people that.” Lupa stated.

“I know, but the looks on their faces are worth it.” I smirked.

“Wait, were you talking to her just now?” Nebula asked.

“Yeah. She told me that I sound insane whenever I tell people that I can talk to her.”

“Well…” She shrugged awkwardly.

“Trust me, I already knew that.”

With that conversation ended, I got up and started cleaning the mess I’d made while Nebula tried and failed to subtly inspect Lupa. My wolf decided to screw with her after a few minutes of enduring Nebula’s feeble attempts, trotting over to sit a few steps away. Once Lupa knew she had Nebula’s attention, she stared at her with an intense, unblinking gaze. Those are Lupa’s words, not mine. I was in the kitchen unable to see what was happening after she’d moved, but Lupa reported that she shadowed Nebula through her house, which I found to be both amusing and creepy. Once they’d made a circuit of the premises and I’d finished up with cleaning and gathering my shit, I met a mildly freaked out mare and my innocent looking pupper in the living room and said my goodbyes. I’d have to make sure I wrote a letter to Nebula sometime.

On the walk over to the Teleportation Station, I remembered to chew Lupa out, so that was nice, and even better was the fact that Velvet Breeze wasn’t the pony manning the station so I didn’t have to deal with that awkward bullshit before I headed back to Sadsdale. Of course, I didn’t remember how to get to the town train station, so I had to ask one of the locals, and that was fucking depressing. Everything about the fellow bored me to death, and his sad sack method of speech was grating on my nerves. By the time the guy was done speaking, I probably would have shot him and then myself, but guns don’t exist in Ponyland and I’m not patient or knowledgeable enough to make anything more than a cannon.

Getting to the station took longer than I would have liked, but that’s just because Sadsdale was full of suck, and none of it was the good kind. I’m sure that I could have found someone desperate or stupid enough to try sucking my happiness out through my knob, but that would have been taking advantage of people and I’m just not okay with that, especially since they wouldn’t get much out of it, even if it did work.

Leaving that cheery topic behind, the train ride was boring. The car was too full of folk visiting friends and relatives in Sadsdale for me to talk to Lupa, and there weren’t many people talking anyways. Most of my fellow passengers were shaking off the bad vibes from the shitty little town, and even though I’d only been there for a few hours at most, I was doing the same. Sadsdale was on my list of places to never go again.

Few of the ponies that had ridden with me got off at Ponyville. I wasn’t terribly interested, but I had thought that many of the passengers were from the nearby town. Apparently I was wrong, not that it really mattered. Lupa and I started making our way to the town square to buy some food and other supplies since we’d been away so long and made it home unaccosted. It was a nice evening, all things said, and it gave me time to fill in the missing parts of my journal before I let the girls know that I was back in town.

I had company soon after I sent my notes around. Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy all showed up within the hour, but when I asked why they’d shown up together, I was met with glares from all three women.

This was the real reason I’d stayed in Gryphonia.

They’d settled for silently glaring at me while I got the tea and snacks prepared. Once finished, I placed the platter of snacks in the middle of the coffee table and served each of my guests some tea that I may or may not have put some ancient wine in.

“So, my pretty little ponies, to what do I owe the honor of-” I began calmly.

“Max. Where have you been?” Rarity asked.

“I’ve been away on business. I’m sorry I didn’t have a chance to give you more notice before my absence, but my associate sprung the matter on me at the last moment.” I explained.

“You had enough time to tell Fluttershy, but nopony else?” Rarity asked evenly.

“I needed Lupa to accompany me and I knew that she was at Fluttershy’s. I trusted Fluttershy to relay what I could share with you.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “You didn’t exactly tell Fluttershy much.”

“I’m a Royal Operative, Twilight. I can’t tell you what happened, and unless you want to get me arrested for treason, I suggest we all let this matter go before it muddies the water. I had a mission. I cannot tell you about it, and I need you to keep the fact that I even went on this mission a secret.”

That earned me no favors. “Why can’t you tell us where you went?” Rarity asked.

“Because it’s the nature of my work as an Operative. If you don’t trust me enough to let it lie, then trust your Princesses to know what they’re doing.”

“You’ve told me multiple times that Princess Celestia isn’t perfect.” Twilight said.

“Do you respect her any less for it?” I shot back.

Twilight dropped her gaze.

“...How often is this going to happen?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“I can’t say. It won’t be often, if I’m not mistaken. The only reason I went this time is because it had to be me for reasons I can’t tell you.”

Fluttershy nodded and sighed. “I really want to be mad at you, but if this is your job…”

“Thank you for understanding, Fluttershy.”

She nodded and Rarity continued glaring at me. “Just what sort of business takes nearly three weeks to complete?”

“Business I can’t speak of.” I replied cooly.

“Rarity…” Fluttershy said gently.

“Yes, Fluttershy, I know.” She sighed. “It’s just frustrating.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” I offered.

“Oh, it’s quite alright, dear.” Rarity replied, the wind taken out of her sails.

I sipped my tea and reached for a biscuit. “So what’s been going on while I’ve been away? Life in Ponyville can’t be boring all the time, yeah?”

Twilight furrowed her brow. “Max, there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while now…”

“I do concur, Twilight, but I can’t put my finger on it for the life of me.” Rarity said.

“Well I can.” Twilight stated.

“S-So can I…” Fluttershy added.

I gestured with my biscuit hand. “Speak your mind.”

“Max, why do you sound like you’re depressed again?” Twilight asked bluntly.

“I dunno, maybe I just like sounding dead inside?”

“Does it have to do with your mission?” She asked, her eyes narrowed.

“Yeah, probably. Can we get to the current events now? You already know I can’t talk about what happened.”

Twilight shut up, but she didn’t stop glaring at me.

“Is it so wrong for us to want to know what goes on in your life?” Rarity asked.

“I never said it was, bonny, and I never meant to imply it.” I responded.

Fluttershy raised her hand and I turned my attention toward her. “T-this should h-have turned into an a-argument by now…”

“Thank you for thinking so highly of me. I really do appreciate it.” I deadpanned.

Fluttershy had the good grace to look abashed. “S-Sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it. Now, recent events?”

“Well, there really hasn’t been much to speak of besides one incident…” Rarity said.

“Oh? What happened?”

She blushed and glanced at Twilight who was also blushing. “Nothing you would find important.”

“You might be surprised.” I commented idly.

“Well…” Rarity began. “Spike may or may not have told me something interesting that I was unaware of.”

“...Are you serious? I thought he already let you know he had a crush on you.”

“Wait, you knew!?” She asked, eyes wide. “Did everypony except me know?”

“It was painfully obvious, bonny. How you weren’t aware is beyond me.” I nibbled on my biscuit.

“...Be that as it may, I had to let him down gently, though things haven’t been the same since.” She said wistfully.

“Yeah, that’s kinda your fault. You really should have noticed before now.” I remarked dryly.

She pursed her lips and stopped talking. “So. Any other news?” I asked.

“N-No. Not really. E-Everypony just missed you…” Fluttershy said.

“Aww, how sweet.”

“...That sounded really disingenuous.” Twilight remarked.

“Really? I kinda meant it.” I replied flippantly.

“Max, you’ve changed…”

“I’m sure I have.” I sipped my tea some more.

Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight traded looks and focused on me. “...Is there something you need to talk about?” Twilight asked.

“Probably, but I don’t feel like it.” I shrugged. “It's no big deal.”

“It seems like a big deal…” Fluttershy said softly.

“Eh. It is what it is. How have your animals been?”

“...How long do you think you can manage like this?.” She asked after a moment.

“As long as I need to, though I don’t know what you’re talking about. I feel perfectly fine, poppet, no reason to worry.” I replied.

“...Of course. Forget I said anything.” Fluttershy murmured.

“Okay then. Seriously, has nothing happened since I’ve been gone?”

“No, not really, though there’s supposed to be a Gryphon in the town inn. Apparently they came in earlier today, but nopony’s had a chance to talk to them yet.”

Interesting. “That’s strange. I’ve never seen a Gryphon this side of the border.”

“I’ve seen a Gryphon in real life!” Rarity gushed. “I do hope she’ll be pleasant!”

“Don’t count on it, Rares. Gryphons aren’t the nicest people by nature, if my interactions with them are anything to go by.”

“...I don’t believe you have the best track record, all things considered.” She said. “Perhaps you just need a larger sample size?”

“One Gryphon won’t make up for dozens, but don’t let me kill your dreams.”

“Fair enough.” She sniffed. “I do believe that’s the gist of the happenings in town, though.”

“Radical.”

Lupa trotted in from the kitchen and rested her head on Fluttershy’s lap.

“So…” Twilight began, drawing my attention.

“Yes, love?”

“You can’t talk about anything that went on during your mission?”

“Nope, not a thing.”

“...So we’re just supposed to accept that you up and disappeared for three weeks?”

“It comes with the territory. Again, I’m sorry I can’t fill in the blanks for you, but it’s the nature of my work.”

“What if I asked Princess Celestia to give us the clearance so you can tell us?”

“I would stop talking to you. I did some shit I’m not proud of, and I doubt Celestia would give you clearance anyways.”

“What kind of things are you doing, Max? What do you even do for the Princesses?”

“I do things that the average person can’t and shouldn’t do for the good of Equestria.” I inspected my finger nails.

“Darling, that tells us nothing.” Rarity put in.

“It tells you everything you need to know. Trying different approaches to get the same information won't work, girls. If that’s all you want, then it’s getting awfully late.”

“It is getting on in the hours.” Rarity admitted. “I think we’ll see you some other time.”

She rose to take her leave and Twilight followed suit. “For what it’s worth, we’re glad to have you with us again, Max.” Twilight said with a small smile.

“Glad to be back, girls. I’ll see you another time.”

Twilight and Rarity headed toward the door, but Fluttershy remained seated. When questioned about her lack of motion, she told the girls that she would catch up, which meant I had more talking to do. With the purple maned ones out of the way, Fluttershy lead me to my couch and sat next to me, something I started taking as a bad sign.

“I know you can’t talk about it, but I want you to know that I’m here for you.” Fluttershy held my hand firmly.

“Thanks, poppet. I do appreciate it.” I squeezed her hand and smiled, but she only seemed more concerned.

“...You’re really worrying me, Max.”

I kissed her cheek. “Don’t worry, love, it’ll pan out. Trust me when I say I’m fine.”

She laid her head on my shoulder. “I do trust you, I really do, but you’re just… Different. You feel different.”

I got her to raise her head for a moment and wrapped an arm around her. “More different than when I came back from the Everfree?”

“...Well, no. Then it was like you had gotten a bit more… Wild. Now it’s like you’re harder-”

“If you hopped in my lap, that would be true.” I grinned.

She lightly tapped my thigh. “Okay, that’s the Max I remember.”

“So what? I haven’t been making as many jokes, so something has to be wrong?”

“Well…”

I rolled my eyes. “If you girls worried any more about pointless shit, I swear you’re all going to have conniptions for the rest of your lives.”

“...I’m pretty sure we have good reason to be worried.”

“If you think so.” I squeezed her arm. “I missed you, Flutters.”

“I missed you too. Having you back is always nice.”

“Of course, how are you supposed to go on with life without the best thing that’s ever happened to you?”

“And I thought Rainbow was supposed to be the arrogant one.” She jibed.

“She is, I’m the modest one.”

She patted my thigh. “Whatever you need to tell yourself, sweetie.”

“I keep forgetting that you’re secretly mean as Hell.”

Fluttershy withdrew from my shoulder and held a hand to her chest. “M-Me? M-M-Mean?” She gave me the puppy dog eyes.

I lifted a brow. “Yes, you. Mean. It’s the quiet ones you look out for, after all. Who knows what goes on up in that pretty little head of yours?”

She smiled and stood up. “There’s a lot swirling around up here, but I don’t think you’re interested in what I have to say.”

I grabbed her hand. “Don’t say that, poppet, most of what comes out of your mouth is interesting.”

“Only most?”

“Have you tried listening to the details of a spa trip more than once? It’s boring as hell”

“Oh, well I’m glad you let me know before I bored you again.” She sniffed.

“No problem.” I rose from my seat and wrapped my arms around her. “Anything to alleviate the general aura of drabness you exude.“

She laced her arms around my neck and pursed her lips “...Okay, I can’t tell if you’re joking.”

“I am.” I leaned in and gave her a kiss.

What happened after that kiss is something that I’m not allowed to record, so make of that what you will.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning was a good one. Fluttershy somehow managed to get up before me, cook breakfast, and be out the door before I got up, though she returned with Lupa shortly after nine. I’d already eaten the meal she’d made for me and was in the middle of writing when they got back. Lupa went straight to the recliner and Fluttershy dragged me to the couch from my easy chair yet again. We spent a few hours cuddling and doing a whole lot of nothing until someone interrupted us.

Upon opening my front door, I found myself an Apple on my stoop, and she did not look happy. Butterflies spread through my stomach when I looked at her, and I was suddenly reminded about the little issue I had run into regarding her in particular.

“Hullo, Applejack. Nice to see you.”

She crossed her arms. “We need to talk.”

“Four words to sour any good day.” I shook my head. “Come on in.”

I stepped aside and she came in. She sat down in my easy chair and I took up my spot next to Fluttershy after they exchanged greetings.

“So what brings you over?” I asked.

“Where do you get off, disappearin’ again!?” Someone wasn’t happy.

Fluttershy held my arm and I patted her hand. “It was royal business, firefly. I can’t say much more than that.”

Applejack glared at me and set her jaw. Obviously, I wasn’t going to get anywhere fast with her and I sighed. “Look, there’s not much I can do. I already had this conversation with Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight last night, and I’ll tell you what I told them: As a Royal Operative, there are things I do that I can’t talk about. I can’t say where I’ve been, and I can’t tell you what I’ve done-”

“Max, I ain’t even upset about none of that.” She huffed. “I'm mad that I had to learn second hoof that you were leavin’!”

“Oh. Well shit, there’s nothing I can say to that one. Sorry?”

“Sorry won’t cut it, buster! I thought I was supposed to be your best friend!”

“You are. If I’d had more prep time, I would have told you, but I literally left Ponyville right after getting Lupa from Fluttershy. Not exactly enough time to warn you of an imminent departure.”

“Gosh darn it! Why do ya have to sound so darn reasonable!?” She shouted.

“A-Applejack, m-maybe you should calm down?” Fluttershy said nervously.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You’re right, Flutters. Sorry, I just don’t like bein’ left in the dark-”

“When it comes to your friends, I understand.” I finished for her.

“...That ain’t what I was gonna say, but it’ll do for now.” Applejack sighed. “Ya know, I was expectin’ you to be mad at me for bein’ mad at you.”

“Well that just sounds silly. I’ve never been the type to stay mad after a few harsh words, and I’ve told you as much before.”

“Oh yeah. I guess I’m just used to you gettin’ mad.”

I shook my head and looked at her, brows furrowed. “When’s the last time I actually got mad at you? Like, properly upset instead of drunk.”

“I-I guess I don’t really know. Ya didn’t seem mad after the incident when I saw ya, and the only time you’ve been mad enough to throw a punch was that one time when you were drunk.”

“Exactly. Why do you girls keep thinking I’m going to be upset? It’s mildly irritating to have people thinking you’re that sensitive.”

“It’s not that…” Fluttershy began.

“Ponies don’t think you’re sensitive, they think you’re… How would you put it? ‘A right prick’?”

“Oh. I suppose it’s nice to know what people really think of me.” I gave her a half smile.

“That ain’t all ponies, just a few.” Applejack added quickly.

“You girls have already told me that people fear harsh words from me, so don’t try to make up for it now.” I smirked.

“...I may have forgotten about that.” She admitted.

“It’s been like, two months or something since then, so I’m not surprised. I’ve been spending a lot of time away recently, haven’t I?”

Applejack and Fluttershy traded a guilty look. I shrugged and didn’t dig because I didn’t feel like possibly getting offended over dumb shit. I found it to be a mature move, if not lazy.

“So, Applejack. What’s been going on in your world since I’ve been gone?”

“Not much to be honest with you. It’s Apple Buckin’ Season, so I’ve been tryin’ to keep up with the workload. It ain’t goin’ too bad, but we could always use a hand.” I could feel the obligation, but I didn’t feel like it.

“Sorry, love, but farm work isn’t my thing.”

“Aww, come on! Even Rarity came to help the other day!” She protested.

“Rarity hasn’t just come home after being gone for the majority of a month.” I reasoned.

“Okay, it mighta been a little selfish to ask you to help right after comin’ home.”

“It was…” Fluttershy added. Applejack tipped her hat to her.

“So it was.” She admitted.

“Alright. Besides bucking apples like a naughty little girl, what else have you been up to?”

“I think ‘buckin’ means somethin’ different to you.” Applejack said with a blush.

“N-No, th-that’s what he meant…” Fluttershy uttered. I nodded my agreement.

“I don't buck apples.” Applejack said firmly, though the effect was ruined by the adorable splash of red across her cheeks.

“Of course you don’t firefly.” I said sarcastically.

Fluttershy swatted me and it actually hurt, so I shut up. I would have been happy to torture Applejack longer than necessary, but as always, someone had to ruin my fun. I bore the boredom for a few hours before Fluttershy and Applejack went back home, leaving me to my own devices. Since I had nothing to do for the rest of the day and no desire to do anything else, I went out to my shed, plucked some bud and packed a bowl. After going so long without smoking, I was doing just fine after one, so I put it up and went to go do my sloth impression on my couch.

Sadly, my peace did not last long. Luna straight up just teleported into my living room around seven, right after the sun had set. I was half asleep when she came, so I didn’t bother sitting all the way up for her arrival.

“Hello, Maximus.” She greeted once she saw me. “I trust all is well in our neighboring nation?”

“I’m sure you already know that Adolf has met his end.” I responded.

“Yes, I am aware of this. Tell me, how did you complete your mission? How did you succeed where I failed?” Luna asked.

I took a deep breath. “I’ll skip to where I get into Otterwa, scouted the castle, used the information given to me by Starshine and some locals to get in, killed like, ten or so guards and got into the northern tower. From there, I killed that King dude, got caught, lied my ass off, got sent on a penance mission, had some bullshit carved into my flesh, stuck around for a few days after I was freed from service and got propositioned by the new Queen of Gryphonia before I left.”

“...What?” Luna asked.

I gave her the long version, which took around an hour, accounting for her questions. When all was said and done, Luna refused to look at me.

“I truly cannot believe that you wooed the widow of the King. I will not believe that.” She huffed, her back turned toward me.

“Believe it or not, it happened.”

“I have met the Queen of Gryphonia, and I don’t think that I’ve ever met a more bitter person in my entire life.”

“She’s pretty bitchy, I’ll give you that. Apparently she just thinks I’m cute. And it’s pretty fucked up to sleep with your husband’s killer, so we have that going for us.”

“...That is wrong on so many levels.”

“Yeah, probably. How long do you think we can keep this from Celestia?”

Luna didn’t give any indication that she’d heard me.

“She already knows, doesn’t she.”

“I never said that.” Luna turned her head slightly.

“Didn’t have to.” I sighed. “When am I going to get a visit from her?”

“I do not know, nor do I envy you. Celly will only go so far with me because I am her sister, but she has fewer reservations for you, something she’s made clear to me over the past week.” Luna muttered darkly.

“Fucking lovely.” I rubbed my temples. “So what do you make of me working for Elfriede?”

“We wanted her in power, and now she is. What you did to make sure she stayed there was justified.”

“Radical. I wasn’t sure if I was stepping out of my bounds there, but it kept me alive.”

“That it did. I’m still surprised that I had the wrong tower the entire time and none of my sources corrected me.”

“Yeah, I got lucky on that, finding Broomhilda and all. I wonder how she’s doing.”

“She is fine. We received a report from Gryphonia shortly after Adolf died and she was marked as one of our living threads.”

“Glad to hear that.”

“You do not sound like it. Is all well, Maximus?” She turned to face me.

“No, not really. I added thirteen bodies to my toll and it’s kinda fucking me up, but I’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about from me.”

“I find that speaking one’s issues often aids in alleviating undue stress.”

“I’m not stressed? I’m fine, seriously. Just a little down or what ever.”

“So you say.” Luna said skeptically.

“So I do. Are there any more questions you haven’t asked?”

“Why do you think Queen Elfriede allowed you to live?”

“Probably because her husband was an abusive prick and I sounded like a rebel with a cause when she caught me.” I shrugged. “Maybe I’m just too cute to die?”

“The former is far more likely than the latter. I wonder why I have yet to receive a note from Queen Elfriede regarding my condolences.”

“Probably because she’s dealing with ruling her country and getting shit settled down. When I was there, Gryphonia seemed like it was a work in progress, though the people were happier.”

“One could only expect that with a long desired regime change would come hope for tomorrow. The Gryphons have lived under Adolf’s oppression for too long, and I hope that putting Elfriede in power brings peace to Gryphonia.”

“Right. Level with me, Luna.” She lifted a brow. “Is the current state of Gryphonia a result of Equestrian interference?”

“What makes you ask that?” she inquired indifferently.

“The mission reeked. It was espionage and manipulation on a scale that I never dreamed that I could be apart of. Global politics, changed over the course of one night after countless nights spent planning for it, and it just doesn’t make sense to me when I think about how Adolf’s case was stacked against him. Every scrap of information I had about the guy lead to me believing he was a proper prick, but I wonder just what made him that way.”

Luna began pacing across my living room. “Your words are untrue, but I trust you enough to say that while Celestia has meddled in Gryphonian affairs before, the only influence we have used to change anything there in recent times was when you came for the King.”

I nodded. “I was just curious. It makes my head spin when I consider just how deep you guys are in a country that’s not yours, and I find it a little stressful that I’ve befriended the Queen of a country you’re spying on.”

“Wait, you mean you actually befriended Elfriede? I can believe that you charmed her, but not that you came to any sort of friendly terms with her.”

“I say we’re friends, but it’s a relationship based on murder and lies, so I guess you can make whatever you want out of that.”

“...You’re an interesting creature at times.”

“I’m always interesting, baby cakes. Might be less interesting at times, but I can still catch an eye just fine.” I said smugly.

“Call me baby cakes again and I’ll eviscerate you.”

“See, that’s kinda what my relationship with Elfriede is like. I piss her off just before the point where she’s willing to kill me, and we have a laugh about my near death experience.”

“I’ll say that you have certain qualities that are appealing, though your sense of humor is dreadful. Perhaps if you spent less time irritating mares, you might have more friends.”

“Hey, being prickly yet likeable has gotten me plenty so far. It earned me a modicum of your respect, Celestia’s love, and some lust from a queen, so I have to be doing something right.”

“Yes, you’ve formed passable relations with ponies who have committed atrocities that only royalty can. Be proud.”

“I’ll wear it like a badge.” I smiled at her.

“...It is unsettling when you do that.” Luna said.

“What? When I smile?”

“Yes. Your mouth moves, but the action seems hollow. It never quite reaches your eyes.”

“Huh. That’s probably why Fluttershy, Twilight, and Rarity were so stressed out. I keep telling them I’m fine, but-”

“You are not fine. It is not my place to interfere with your life, but I do suggest that you find somepony to confide in. I remember my first few hundred deaths, and they made their mark on me, but I hope that this numbness is something you will not find.”

“At the rate I’m going, I’m heading straight for it. I’ve killed a lot of people in the past six months, and so far, the predominant trend in my missions has that body count rising. If I ever get another one, I’m guessing that number will only continue to rise, and I’ve made my peace with that. I’m not above suffering so people can sleep safely in their homes.”

“A noble sacrifice, to be sure. Your service is highly valued, Maximus, and your fame in the ranks of the Operatives is rising. I will be sure to pass high interest missions to you, if that is what you desire.”

“Using a friend to separate the wheat from the chaff? Sounds like some dirty politics to me, love.”

“Did you not just return from an assassination?”

I scratched my beard. “...Fair enough. Point Luna.”

“Are we keeping points now? If so, I’ll be sure to correct you more often.”

“Sure, we could do that. Or we could not do that and say we did so people think we’re closer than we actually are.”

“I like that idea better. Let’s not and say we did, though I would like the first point to stand as the only one that matters.”

“Competitive much?”

“It’s how I’ve survived for so long. That, and being immortal.”

“Was that a joke, my dear Princess? How remarkable!”

“When you say things with no inflection to your voice, you come off as snide. I’m sure that was not your intention.”

“Nope, I was going for sarcastic.”

“Sarcasm is permitted. You may proceed.”

I looked around from my prone position. “Proceed where? I’m good right here.”

“I’m going to leave before I strangle you. Have a good night, Maximus.”

“Good night, Princess. I’ll see you in my dreams.” I said with a goofy smile.

“I have yet to find your dreams, though I suppose I could look again tonight. What do your dreams consist of?”

“Mostly just night terrors.” I shrugged. “Nothing cool.”

“...Are you saying that you experience night terrors every night?” Luna asked slowly.

“Yeah, unless I have company. If I’m sleeping with someone, then I don’t dream at all.”

“I know where your dreams are. This beast we will slay tonight!” Luna reached for a sword that wasn’t on her hip and she sighed. “I miss the times where carrying a sword was considered commonplace. Celestia returned my blade and shield to me, but they are mere decorations of former glory now.”

“Very sad. Such pain. Much depress. Wow.”

“Those were not even complete sentences.”

“They express how I feel perfectly. I’ve been told that I need to speak less by too many people.”

“That is a feeble excuse. Come up with a better one.”

I spread my hands. “I dream of meme?”

“What?”

“Never mind, So I’ll literally see you in my dreams tonight?”

“You will. Once you are asleep, we will assault the dream beast that has been plaguing you.”

“How do you know what’s been fucking my dreams up, but haven’t done anything about it?” I asked.

“...We may have avoided the issue, but that was only because I hadn’t identified who the dream belonged to. If I had known it was you, I would have resolved the issue with Celestia some time ago.”

“Eh, I’ll take it for now. If you don’t mind, I was half asleep when you came in.”

“There are few who would attempt to dismiss a princess.”

“Count me among their numbers, in that case.”

She scoffed and rudely teleported out, though I was just happy that I could go back to doing nothing. I was very fond of doing nothing after spending so much time doing things. I rolled over to lay on my side and eventually got back to sleep, but when it wasn’t exactly sleep. Luna, true to her word, met me in my dreams, a dark greyish void that stretched onward in all directions, though there were a few lights in the distance. They were barely twinkles in the dreamscape, and if my current situation was anything to go by, then they were also floating out here in the void.

It didn’t feel like flying as much as being levitated by some unknown source, evidenced by the fact that I couldn't send myself spinning in circles no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, however, Luna got tired of putting up with my bullshit, so she used some of her magic to bring me to her side, putting the kibosh on my fun. I glared at her while she was pulling me in, but it didn’t convince her to let me go, so I gave up when she started glaring back since I knew I wouldn’t win.

Luna tapped my shoulder once I was done mock pouting. “Are you ready for this, Maximus? This beast will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen, and it will be a nightmare of your own creation, your own worst fears personified!” She boomed ominously.

I materialized a Gauss Rifle from the abyss. “Dream rules?”

“...Yes?”

“Fucking awesome. Let’s go kill something, yeah?”

“You are far too gung ho about this. The nightmare beast will be a terrifying creature-”

“Wrought from my own imagination, tempered by my fears, right? I may be inexperienced in this field, but I’ve read about similar situations pretty often, and the best option seems to be to fill yourself with as much bravado as possible beforehand, have a breakdown or something once you see the monster, then eventually overcome it and win the night. It’s some textbook shit.”

“There are no textbooks on this subject. The only pony who has any vested interest in dreams is me, to my knowledge, and thus I am the only pony who polices and regulates dreams.”

I rubbed my beard. “What about your thousand year absence? Who did your job then?”

“Nopony. Ponies did not dream while I was gone.”

“That’s kinda weird, coming from my perspective. Every human dreamed, though some did it more than others. It really just depended on the person.”

“An interesting tidbit, but it is not our focus. Are you prepared, Maximus?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, Lulu.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but it clicked shut a moment later and Luna shook her head, dismissing what I’d said. Lifting her hand, it felt as if the void shifted around us and we appeared beside a swirling black vortex. It was a study in edgy bullshit, swirling swords and dancing wolves dotting the surface in plumes and puffs of smoke, all beginning from the bottom, though they never quite reached the top of the massive cyclone. I looked at it with distinct disinterest, and Luna looked at me with a brow raised.

“Do you not find it impressive?” She asked.

“No, not really. It’s a little on the generic side, iddnit?” I deadpanned.

“If one can call this monstrosity generic, then they may call a fully grown dragon a newt.”

“Fucking newts better stay out of the garden I’m eventually going to make.” I commented flippantly before approaching the silent black tornado.

“Be careful! If you draw too close, you will be sucked into the dream!” Luna said critically.

I paused and looked at her. “If we’re not taking it down from the inside, how are am I going to be facing my fears?”

“...You’re too smart for your own good sometimes.” Luna said before she joined me. She grabbed my arm and lead me into the vortex.

Once we were inside, my mind became foggy, but once Luna shook me, my head cleared and I was able to make sense of what I was seeing. I looked around quickly and absorbed the scene. We were in the old cop shop from Wiltshire, standing in the entrance of the run down building. It wasn’t a place I had may fond memories of, mostly due to the nature of my visits. From thirteen until just before my arrival in Equestria, I only made an appearance at the Wiltshire four times, but that was one too many in my book. Seeing the place again did not bring any joy to me, and I knew exactly why we were here in particular. I was hoping that I could avoid dealing with the trauma inflicted here, but it seemed like I was going to have to face this demon.

I walked around and inspected some of the desks, but all the papers and computers were blurry, as if my mind didn’t believe the details were important. Upon leaving the desks to wander around some more, Luna got my attention and called me back to her side.

“What is this place?” She asked, rubbing her arms.

“It’s a cop shop, a police station. It’s the one from my home town.”

“I’m sure you’ve seen it many times.” Luna said drily.

“I’ve seen the inside a few times, but I’ve never had a charge stick.” I replied proudly. “In any case, is the cause of my nightmares going to come to us, or are we going to have to find it?”

“The cause originated here? I thought it was your actions in Gryphonia that weighed on your mind.”

“It’s a few things from my childhood, what happened here, and the happenings in Gryphonia. If my guess is worth anything, I’d say we’re in for a doozy.”

Luna groaned and rubbed her temples. “So it’s an amalgamation of your most unholy fears?”

“If my guess is worth anything.” I repeated. “We could be dealing with some unexpressed fear of ponies or something.”

“Why would you fear ponies?”

“Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Applejack.”

“Are those not your friends?”

“They are, but Pinkie is insane and magical, Twilight is too strong for her own good, and Applejack broke me, so I think they’ve given me plenty of reason to be wary of ponies.”

“Why are you friends with them again?”

“Something something powerful friends.”

“Did you just say ‘something something’?” She asked incredulously.

“No, I said something else, you just ignored it. Don’t expect me to repeat myself if you’re not going to listen anyways.” I huffed.

Luna gave me an odd look before turning her gaze to the ceiling. “I’m going to be sure to watch as Celestia ‘rips you a new one’” She said, adding air quotes.

“Thank you for that. You know, maybe if you could properly kill someone, I wouldn’t be in deep shit with her.”

Luna flushed bright red and her chest heaved. “I am out of practice, and that is the only reason you surpassed me! In my prime, I would have completed the mission flawlessly, but my blade has dulled in my time on the moon.”

“I hear plenty of excuses.” I replied musically.

“You will hear your demise if you continue you insolence!”

“Oh, I’m sorry Elfriede, I didn’t mean to offend.”

Luna was in my face my face in less than a second. “Thou seem to believe we are joking.”

I booped her nose. “You’re the cutest thing when you pretend to be upset.”

She swatted my hand away. “How did you know I was faking?”

“Because I know you feel guilty about making me do your dirty work. It was written all over your face when you came in earlier. Oh yeah, don’t just teleport into my house, by the way. That shit’s rude.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Your house is Royal Property, I can do as I please on it.”

“Yup, I’m having another house built. Definitely having another house built.”

“It will matter little. Wherever my sister is welcome, so am I.” She scoffed. “It is the way it has always been.”

“I’ll kick your blue ass out whenever I feel like it, and don’t you think I won’t. You might be a princess, but you’re not my princess.”

“Actually, since you’re a Royal Operative who is currently in a relationship with my sister, Celestia and I decided that I would have the final say in matters regarding you.” Luna gave me a disturbing smile.

“...You didn’t think that was important enough to mention earlier?”

Her smile grew. “Does it fill you with despair?”

I shrugged. “A moderate amount.”

“That will do. Since I am not emotionally invested in you-”

“You’re in charge, I get it. Doesn’t mean I don’t have to listen to Celestia anyway.”

“Exactly.” Thundering steps sounded from down a hall. “I believe your nightmare is approaching."

I concentrated and a feather light Gravity Hammer appeared in my hands and Nanotech armor covered me. “Let’s see how this goes.”

Seconds later, the combined causes of my nightmares in physical form appeared, grotesque and malformed. It was a lumbering mass of limbs, solidified blood, and oddly enough, sets of varied genitalia. I understood why they were there, but it wasn’t something that I really wanted to think about, so I rushed in with my Gravity Hammer and struck first, blowing a medium sized hole in the abomination.

As my luck would have it, the creature reformed quickly and swung at me while I was still in the air. I couldn’t think of a solution to that problem fast enough and ended up halfway buried in a wall, most likely only alive because of the Nanotech armor. After a few moments of being dazed, I pulled myself from the crater I had formed and dropped onto the ground, more irritated than injured. I looked around and tried to spot the wanker that put me in there and saw it shambling after an agile Luna who was blasting it with a variety of magic ranging from gouts of flame to arrows of darkness. Nothing seemed to phase it for long, and it regenerated almost instantaneously after being injured.

Foregoing the gravity hammer, I decided that I would use the weapons that suited me best in the waking world. I drew my dirk and the Warbling blade, lunging a considerable distance toward the monster, aided by the suit I was wearing. I slammed both of my blades into its back and stabbed it repeatedly, my arms a flurry of motion. Only the wounds from the Warbling blade had any effect, causing the abomination to scream as if it was being burned.

I hopped off its back before it could throw me and began running a circle around it, dodging Luna’s artillery while keeping the creature’s attention. We were working like a well oiled machine with Luna distracting it long enough for me to go in and chippy away at it. Soon enough, the abomination was covered in dozens of gashes and was slowing down bit by bit. Luna and I were unwilling to try and tackle it alone, however, since the creature was still plenty strong.

I had been running around for sometime now and was tiring of the chase, so I put my imagination to work and conjured up a crossbow of sorts, but for knives. I remembered seeing the concept on Youtube at some point, and let’s face it, it’s retarded as fuck, but it worked. After I fleshed it out in my mind, I was holding a crossbow that I could load the Warbling Blade into. Once I got a decent distance away and Luna had it's attention, I aimed down the crude sights and fired off a shot. I wasn’t expecting any sort of kick, but dear God was the thing brutal. My first shot went far to the left and the Warbling blade slammed into a desk. I imagined that it was back in my hand and so it was. I took a moment to reload the crossbow and run to a new position, and from there, I lined up another shot but aimed much lower this time in anticipation of the kick. My shot was decent and landed the blade deep in the creature’s stomach, causing it to spill more of it's black, inhuman, boiling blood. The sight of it felt like a good thing, but I wasn’t entirely sure whenever the smell wafted towards me. It smelled sweet and cloying like poison, and a mere whiff of it induced lightheadedness.

After repositioning myself, I cleared my head and cast a quick glance around, looking for Luna. I didn’t see her anywhere near the monster, so I took aim once more and adjusted my shot, hitting the creature in the chest this time. My aim was slowly getting better, and luckily my shots were infrequent enough compared to Luna’s onslaught that none of the abomination’s focus was on me, despite the fact that I was causing more lasting damage.

I took a moment to think and came up with a better idea; instead of using the same blade, why not just conjure up more? I loaded up the original and fired it once more, landing a hit in the mound of fetid flesh that was the creature’s neck. I tried to copy the blade, and as well as I knew it, I couldn’t create another. It seemed as though there was only meant to be one at a time, so I summoned it back to me and tried altering it in a different way. I closed my eyes for a brief second and imagined that both my crossbow and the knife were larger by a decent margin. When I opened my eyes, the crossbow was larger, but the knife had only grow a little. I focused again on the Warbling blade, and this time, it doubled in size. With a smile, I loaded it into the crossbow, lined up the sights on center mass while Luna stunned the creature with a flash of lightning and let it fly. Miraculously, the creature jerked back from Luna’s bolt directly into the path of the knife, causing it to slam into it's head. The increased size and weight of the knife had done it’s damage, but the creature was still standing. I reclaimed the knife once more, but hesitated to fire again. The creature may have been on its feet, but it was moving as if it’s nerves were twitching, in the midst of it’s death gentle death throes.

Then all hell broke loose.

The monster split in half at the waist, each part forming itself into a humanoid torso all it's own. The beast wailed a terrible song that grated on my ears, but with the addition of some plugs, I was good to go, however, Luna seemed to be having trouble with the sound, so I conjured up a set of earmuffs and threw them to her. Once she got them on, Luna continued striking with her magic and I spawned a grenade launcher that I’d seen in some game before. I had no idea how to operate it either than pointing and shooting, but that was enough to get results. I rained grenades onto the monster and Luna began throwing massive bolts of a starry blue energy that imploded wherever they struck, taking pieces of the creature along with it. Our strategy seemed to be working for a while, but I quickly ran out of ammo and Luna ceased her own assault to survey the damage we had caused.

Whatever it had lost, it grew back, and soon the creature was whole again. I had a good look at it from where I was standing and the shapes the torsos had taken was enough to fill me with a deep seated rage. The abomination had the stones to use my parents as it’s templates. I wanted to do nothing more than to get this over with, so I imagined a ballista and increased the Warbling Blade’s size to match. Luna began anew, firing off jets of freezing magic to keep the creature in place while I prepared to end it.

I loaded up the ballista with some handy telekinesis and aimed the unwieldy weapon at the enemy. I wished for a second that I could have come up with some well timed one liner to go along with the final blow, but I would be happy enough to have a good night’s rest. With the pull of a lever, I launched the oversized knife at the creature and bisected it diagonally, but I didn’t stop there. I shrunk the Warbling Blade back to double it’s original size and hefted the enlarged crossbow, loading the blade into it before firing at the head of one of the creature’s torsos. I reloaded and repeated the process with the other torso and the creature finally ceased moving, not even gently twitching as it had before. I approached it cautiously and Luna joined me. I summoned the Warbling Blade back into my hand and we gazed upon the great corpse.

“...Do you think it’s dead?” I asked carefully.

“I sense no movement from it. It is dead, Maximus.” Luna turned to me the corners of her mouth lifted slightly. “Congratulat-”

The station exploded in a cloud of yellow and white.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After spinning for what felt like hours in the grey void that was the dreamspace, I came to a stop after Luna grabbed my arm. If it had been physically possible, I would have been spewing my lunch in every direction, but since I had no corporeal form, my stomach was forced to keep its contents. Once I was none too gently brought to a halt, I held my head for a few minutes and focused on gaining my bearings, but Luna was busy talking.

“As I was saying, congratulations. Don’t be alarmed, that is just how dreams end sometimes.”

“Yeah, I know. Why the hell was I sent spinning?”

“Dreams. Ending. That’s how they do that.”

“You’re a proper twat sometimes, you know that?”

Luna scoffed. “I assume that’s an insult, but since I don’t understand it, does it really matter?”

“Nice try, twat.”

She rolled her eyes. “Only a fool would insult a princess on a regular basis.”

“Only a fool would be friends with royalty. You guys are some sadistic fuckers, I’ll tell you.”

“There’s no need; I am well aware of this.”

“I told you about the part where Elfriede carved ‘Kingslayer’ into my arm, right?”

She nodded. “That’s what I was referring to.”

“Right. So can we leave now?”

“We can, but you will be awake for the rest of the night. We could talk a while longer. I do consider you a friend, despite how infuriating you tend to be.”

“Aww, thanks jelly bean, I heart you too.”

“I have no idea what that means.” Luna said, her head cocked to the side.

From there, we really did just talk for a few hours. Apparently Luna could split her consciousness into multiple fragments, so she could spend her entire night in the dreamscape, which lead to her showing me some of her interesting culinary creations. If she had tasted it once, she could recall it with perfect clarity, and I tried to emulate her skill so we could have a cultural exchange of sorts. Luna brought various elegant dishes to the table, though they were all vegetarian. There was nothing I could really think of that was suitable for an herbivore from my world that they didn’t already have, so I tried bringing in various different candies that I had loved for years. Luna was a bigger fan of the Mars bar that I had given her than the Charms, so I tried to come up with every chocolate I could remember and from there, the memory filled in the blanks on the flavor.

After hours of trying to rot each other’s teeth with increasingly random candy combinations, Luna told me that the Sun was due to rise in a few minutes and that our fun was up. I offered to spend more nights with her if they involved the dream realm, and she told me that she would think about having me help her police dreams since she was sure that I would perform the task well. That, and I’m sure Luna just wanted to see how I’d warp someone’s dream if I had the chance. Either way, I was going to have something to do during my sleepless nights at least.

I sat up on my couch and rubbed my eyes. It felt like I hadn’t slept at all, and since I technically hadn’t, there was precious little I could do about it unless I wanted to give up on doing anything today. After some debate, I heaved my arse off of the couch and got my morning routine done before heading out onto my back porch. I found the scorched circle of stones I was looking for and used my telekinesis to dig around the area, and underneath the sodden ash and dirt was a leg of something that I had killed. I had forgotten about it in my haste to leave and hated that so much meat had gone to waste, but I shrugged off the loss with a sigh and went back inside. The worms would have to owe me for such a wonderful meal.

There was nothing I really felt like doing and no one I wanted to be bothered with at the moment, so I shipped Lupa off to Fluttershy’s for the day, strapped my knives into their respective places and wrote multiple short notes to the girls telling them that I was heading to Canterlot for a little bit and not to miss me. I figured that dealing with Celestia now rather than later was my best bet, and since I was already prepared for the worst, there was little else for me to do. I’d already bought a ticket at the train station and boarded it before noon, so I had enough time to do things before seeing Celestia.

The train ride to Canterlot was nothing special, and I’d already been to Canterlot before, so I wasn’t exactly filled with awe from being there again. I meandered through the streets after leaving the station and eventually found the Canterlot Crown Confectionery. I knew that I was going to have to do some ass kissing, and I thought that some chocolate and flowers would help with that process, so I found a florist soon after and started making my way to the castle to see my pissed lover.

About halfway there, I suddenly didn’t feel like getting chewed out for doing something good, so I ducked into a little cabaret that was open way too early and had a seat in one of the empty booths. A pretty waitress took my meager order of some cabbage rolls and some scotch and I may have let my eyes wander as she walked away. I wondered if I could pick her up while I waited for my drink, but I was soon distracted by the addition of some afternoon entertainment. With concerns about what kind of musician gets hammered enough to play so early, I watched on with mild intrigue as a grey mare with a brunette mane took the stage alongside a brown stallion with a darker brown mane. They held a cello and a bass respectively and I wondered what the hell they were going to do with them up until the point they started playing. I found it to be an enjoyable piece due to the cello more so than the bass, but it didn’t hurt that they made decent harmony in any case. The woman on the cello held the song together while the bassist floundered from time to time, but again, I wasn’t expecting much from the afternoon staff.

The cute waitress came back with my shit, but instead of getting scotch, the woman had given me butterscotch. I let her know that I wanted liquor, not sweets, and she quickly rectified the miscommunication by bringing me a tumbler with three cubes of ice and a bottle of something that looked expensive. While I had her around, I paid for everything I had ordered and gave her a very generous tip to go and get me a bag of some sort so I wouldn’t have to carry around a bottle of brown. She was happy to help me in my endeavor and returned with a book bag of some sort about fifteen minutes later. Shrugging, I put my liquor in the bag with the chocolates I had gotten Celestia, but kept the flowers in hand.

After I thanked the waitress for her help and service, I left the cabaret and went to go face the music.