"How bad is it, Doc?"

"Well, you've managed to fracture it in eight different places this time," a certain brown medical stallion intoned, glaring at his patient. "Honestly, I'm still baffled that you managed to break it in so many different ways this time. That's a new hospital record, you know." He sighed. "What were you doing, anyways?"

"Just some flying practice, Doc," Rainbow Dash said, sitting up in her bed. She grimaced as her wing locked up, making its current state very clear to the brash pegasus. "Ow!"

"Oh, it was 'just flying practice', was it?" The doctor pushed his glasses a little closer to the bridge of his nose, sniffing at his patient in disdain. "I'm sorry, Miss Dash, but we have more than a hundred pegasi in this district and none of them come in here for 'just flying practice'." He leaned in a little closer, staring her straight in the eye. Rainbow tried to break eye contact, but his pupils seem to expand, keeping her locked in place. "Now tell me, Miss Dash, what were you really doing?"

Goofing off.

"Just, um, trying a new stunt!"

"A new...stunt."

"Well yeah, what else do you think I'd be doing?"

"If by a new stunt, you mean willfully slamming into the ground and barely subsonic velocities, then I suppose you did well," Doctor Stable said, glaring at her. "Was that your intent, Miss Dash?"

"Well, no, but-"

"But what? You've told Ponyville in no explicit terms that you're the best flier Equestria's ever seen. If that wasn't a stunt, then it was a failure."

"Hey, I am the best! I'm beyond the best, I'm-"

"You're what, Rainbow Dash?" he stated, his voice raising a little. "A champ? A bonified work of art?"

"Well yeah!"

The doctor gave a longsuffering sigh before speaking. "No, Miss Dash, you aren't. You know what I see in front of me?"

"Um, what?"

"A washed up pegasus who can't keep her head straight and gives hollow self-praises that she hasn't even earned. I see a burden on our city taxes as we pay for you to get patched up every time you do something stupid, which I hate to admit is pretty common. You're a sap, a loser, and a braggart with a barely credible job that you can't even seem to get done half of the time that you were only given in an attempt to keep you busy." Doctor Stable stared down at her, an imposing figure. "We have a word for that, Miss Dash. A bum. You, quite frankly, are nothing but a worthless bum, draining our treasury's coffers while you stress out literally everypony old enough to know where our district's debt comes from."

"I..."

"Just....just think about it a little before you go off doing something stupid again, will you?" He sighed, setting down his clipboard. "I know you're a good mare at heart and don't mean anypony any harm, but you've turned yourself into a natural disaster. You don't have to be like that."

"I...okay, Doc. I'll try."

"That's all I ask," Stable said, smiling at her. "Well it's getting late, and I suppose you really should kick it in at least for the night to make sure you don't have a concussion. If you need anything, hit the little red button next to your headboard."

"Alright, Doc!"

Rainbow Dash woke up to the sound of heavy breathing. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, trying to make sense of who was making that sound. She didn't want to think about whatever he (at least she thought it was a he) was doing to make himself sound like that.

"Hey, who's jerking off?!" she asked bluntly.

"Who said anything about that, baby?"

"Bwu?!" Rainbow quickly reached over for the nearby lamp, slapping the button to turn it on. The room was quickly lit up, trails of light splashing against the dark shadows. The single, lonely light gave the room an ominous feel.

"Where are you?" she asked, looking around to spot whatever jerk had decided to take up residence inside of her hospital room. "I-I know kung fu!"

"Oh please," the voice said, seemingly coming from nowhere and everywhere at once. "Your fit as a whistle, but that doesn't mean you know how to fight. Still, I'd love for you to hit me harder."

It took the pegasus a moment to figure out where the sound was coming from, but apparently it was coming from the nightstand next to her. That couldn't be right.

"You still haven't answered my question," she said, slowly easing out of her bed. She looked around the room, trying to see if there was anything on hand that could be used as a blunt force weapon. Seeing nothing else on hand, she picked up the nearby lamp.

"OH BABY!!" it shouted. "TOUCH ME HARDER!!"

"Gah!" Rainbow gasped, dropping the lamp. It landed on the ground with a dull thud. "What?!"

"C'mon, Dashie! Touch me some more! I need release, and your flank is smoking hot!"

"What the literal fuck?!" she shouted, shaking. "How're you talking?!"

"Well," the lamp said, still sitting the ground where she dropped it. "How do you talk? How does anypony?"

"But you're not alive!"

"I beg to differ."

"But that's physically impossible!"

"So's me making sweet, sweet love with you, but we'll find a way."

"Gah, get your filthy head out of the gutter!"

"Baby, you turn my on in so many ways. You know just how to press my buttons!"

"I don't even..."

"Shut up in there!" a hall orderly shouted through the door. "I don't want anypony disturbing the peace, y'hear?!"

"Sorry, it won't happen again!" Rainbow called out, gently picking up the lamp before setting it back on the nightstand.

She waited, listening as the orderly walked off with a grumbled 'young nuisance'. The young pegasus waited for the sound of the cart's squeaking wheels to turn around the corner before turning back to the lascivious lamp.

"What do you want from me?" Rainbow asked, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"Your body."

"No, really."

"I mean really, Rainbow."

"You can't be serious!"

"Oh, but I am baby." The lamp blinked in acknowledgement. "Only a fool wouldn't be attracted to your tomboyish attitude, your fit and sexy body, or the way your raspy voice cracks every time you speak. You, miss Dash, are the epitome of sexy charm."

"B-but why?"

"Why?" The lamp laughed like that was the dumbest question ever asked. "Well, to be honest, you're the first mare to really and truly turn me on. I mean, come on, you've been flicking my buttons for months! I just assumed that you were repeatedly touching me for more than a one night stand. Forgive me if that wasn't the case."

"What do you mean, one night stand?"

"You play with me every time you come here!"

"I was bored!"

"Oh, so that's how it was? You use me like one of your Prench maids and then throw me aside at the first sign of somepony else? I see how it is!" the lamp wailed. "I'm not good enough for you, is that it?"

"No, it's not like that!"

"Really? Well I'm getting that impression right now."

"I didn't even know you had feelings before right now!"

"So you're so self-involved that you can't even pay attention to my needs? Some lover you are," the lamp said, crying. "You really don't love me, do you?"

"For fuck's sake, quit twisting my words around!" Rainbow shouted with a huff. "I didn't even know you were alive before right now. How was I supposed to know when every other appliance around here remains inanimate?"

The lamp sniffed hopefully. "Y-you mean that we- that we might have a shot?"

"I never said that."

"I KNEW IT!! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!"

Rainbow Dash facehoofed. This lamp was being very difficult. Hell, she couldn't even tell if it was a boy or a girl by the voice it was sporting, and all the whining it was doing was grating on her nerves.

"Look, you're just not my type..."

"So I really am not good enough for you. Well, gee, thanks. I wake up every day in this hospital, completely ignored and unloved, and the first sign of a real mare who cares about me turns out to be my own imagination." The lamp sulked. "I guess...I guess it was good while it lasted."

"Yeah..."

"Well, if you ever change your mind, I'll be waiting here."

"Okay."

"Alone."

"Yeah."

"And lonely."

"Okay."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"NOTICE ME, SENPAI!!!"

"Rainbow, you there?" Twilight asked, knocking on her best friend's front door. While she didn't normally make a habit of dropping by her friend's house, she'd seen neither hide nor hair of the cyan mare in days. When no sound came from the other side, Twilight opened the door.

"Are you there, Rain-GAH!!"

"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK, TWILIGHT!!"

"Y-YOU, WITH A LAMP?!"