A door suddenly burst open in the middle of a field, foaming water gushing out of it. “Must know~! No~!” Bronze cried as he was pulled through via an unknown force, and the water whilst grasping desperately at the doorframe with his hooves, before losing his grip and the door closed behind him, leaving him whining in disappointment in wet grass. “No~ I wanted to meet Vash~!”

Bronze groaned and bemoaned his poor fate of not meeting one of his anime idols soon, and sighed as he had to face his current reality. ‘Okay, back to normal. Like, the fact that Gilda apparently has her ‘eyes on the prize’ and once again, like the damn doofus I am; I was completely blind to it until she grabbed my flank.’

Bronze took a deep, shuddering breath, and blushed. ‘Oh crap...I can’t think of a reason NOT to like it! I...need to talk to AJ and Zecora about this.’ Bronze grunted as he rolled over, and groaned as his aching muscles caught back up with him. ‘Great, wasted Aloe’s massage with all the activity.’

“Bronze!” He sighed and looked up at Rainbow Dash, who swooped down and blinked. “Why are you all wet?”

“I got summoned, ended up fighting two giant eyeball-ghost-cyborg-things, nearly died, and got a spa treatment before coming back. Nothing serious.” Bronze deadpanned, making Dash snort in wry amusement. “So...what’s been going on while I was doing that?”

Dash blinked. “Wait, you’re not joking? I JUST lost Gilda in the clouds to come back and get you to your marefriends before she molests you again.”

“What? But I’ve been fighting and almost dying for almost an hour! Wait, Jeeves, explain.”

"Time and place are irrelevant sir. Being God of Space, you know this."

“Ugh...time shenanigans...great….”

“Look, can we go now? I don’t want Gilda to catch up and try to explain why she’s trying to steal you from my friend.” Dash then grabbed Bronze around his barrel, making him yelp in surprise, before taking off towards Sweet Apple Acres.

“AH~! I STILL HATE HEIGHTS!”

“SUCK IT UP, COLT!”

[(X)]

[? POV]

Nuada was still running through the Everfree forest at top speed, behind him was the rage lusting form of Cinder breaking through trees hot on his tail. Telling her that they couldn’t get married right now was a mistake, it seems. “Someone help me!” Nuada cried.

Clearing the treeline by town, Nuada barely noticed as he ran by ponies, and market stands. Dodging by Applejack with not even a wave, Nuada managed to duck Cinder’s tail as it grabbed at his hair. Nuada’s new GXP communicator beeped repeatedly, the image of a stone golem in a tuxedo appeared in the watch as Nuada kept running.

“Hi this is Nuada, sorry to be rude but I’m in a bind right now, please make it quick,” he said leaping over a cabbage cart only for Cinder to barrel right through it.

“MY CABBAGES!”

“Keep running, take the third door on the left.” A dry English voice answered, like the voice of a veteran butler.

“But that’s somepony’s house-.”

“Fifth door now.”

“Well I needed to see Rarity anyway,” Nuada said as he tossed open the door to Rarity’s and ran in. “WAH~!” Nuada cried as he lost his balance and tumbled head-over heel into a place that WASN’T Rarity’s boutique, the door slamming shut behind him. “Ow. Whoever you are, thanks for the magic door.”

“Hm. A dog. Fitting.” The voice snidely remarked, getting Nuada to growl.

“I am no dog, I am Nuada a proud Jurain and Guardian of Equestria,” Nuada said as he was moving to stand up. “Whoa!” Only to lose his balance and fall back down, and look at himself in shock. “WHERE ARE MY FEET?!”

“Yes, paws are a bit trickier to stand on I hear. You’ll adjust in a moment.” The voice said, getting Nuada to look at the source, and blink at seeing a tall and literally chiseled human-like stone golem with glowing blue energy seeping from the cracks. He wore a full black tuxedo with white underclothes and a black tie. “Take your time, time is meaningless here.”

“Well thanks, considering you turned me into a DIAMOND DOG!” Nuada shouted indignantly as he got on all fours, finding it easier than standing upright for the moment. “Well, I admit, being a dog could be an interesting experience. And if I play it up right, maybe I could pretend to be a normal dog and pee on people I don’t like?” Nuada joked, snorting. “Naw, can’t do that to people.”

“You’re an admittedly rare breed at that. Welsh Sheepdogs are generally local only to the Canida Highlands.” The golem stated as he waited patiently for Nuada to recover.

“Well at least I’m not one of the bulldogs.” He snarked before catching himself. “Sorry about that, never did like shapeshifting. Now then sir what can I do to help you?”

“It is not how you can help me, it is how you can help my Principal.” The golem stated simply.

“What? Why would I need to help the head of a school?” Nuada suddenly felt like he was being looked down upon. Not just literally since he was still on all paws.

“Principal is a term referring to someone whom I serve a directive or assisting role to, who also had a direct hand in my being available to do so.”

“Oh, alright then.” Nuada said, finally standing up on his hind paws, feeling slightly awkward. ‘I’m glad I have this tail, or I’d just fall back onto my forepaws.’ Nuada looked back at his fluffy white and black tail, wagging it with a grin. ‘Oh gosh, I have SUCH an urge to chase it.’

“I am Jeeves. No surname. I have brought you here because my Principal is at a crossroads concerning his polyamorous relationship, and the situation of another wishing to join it. Something you have extensive experience with already.”

“My harem curse is still just starting back there, hence the bind I was in when you called, but I can at least talk it over with him.” ‘Why do I feel so energetic? I mean, dogs always want to run around, but geez I wanna DO something right now.’

“That is precisely the reason I called upon you. My Principal is originally a completely luckless-in-love loser who is more or less absolutely oblivious to any and all romantic scenarios unless the other partner practically jumps him. Which is what has happened in the past. And has happened again. Save that each time he manages to retain his virginity.”

“Ouch a bit harsh description from a butler.” Nuada said trying not play with his tail as he began to fidget, feeling constrained in his clothes, hot, stuffy. ‘Oh gosh, I’m burning up! Wool and fur do NOT go together!’ Nuada began panting, sweat dripping from his tongue. “Hey, uh...you got any cool clothes? I mean-.”

“Here you are.” Suddenly, from nowhere, Jeeves was holding luxurious traditional Neighponese clothes, apparently fitted to his body. Considering the loose dark blue hakama pants would not interfere with his current digitigrade hind legs, and the short-sleeved sky-blue yukata with interspersed white cloud-like splotches had the short sleeves and even looked breathable. “I also have a trunk here with several different styles of this sort of clothing, if you wish it.”

“I would appreciate that, I only got as far as weaving wool, when I took up tailoring as you can see,” Nuada said trying to fan himself with his tunic’s front, only for one of his unbelievably sharp claws to shred it off further. “...Oh right...Diamond Dogs have claws harder than most known minerals for their digging...yeah….”

“Indeed, be careful not to flex-.” Jeeves tried to warn, only for Nuada to suddenly extend four-INCH long blade-like claws from all his fingers, almost stabbing his white-furred chest, getting him to yelp in a very dog-like way. “-Yes, be wary. Diamond Dogs have an uncanny ability to extend an impossible amount of claw from their phalanges.”

“I have claws! Cat scratch? Try dog scratch.” Nuada nervously joked as he tried very carefully to retract his claws. ‘Better not shake any hooves for a bit.’ “I’m just going to go put these on, can I drop the trunk off at-.”

“Done.” The trunk of clothes was gone.

“...Okay. Thank you...uh...I’ll worry how you know where my place is later, oh can you leave a note for Ushio?”

“Already done.”

“Okay...you are reminding me of my Starswirl.”

“I am told that often.”

[@]

“Look, it’s fine.” Applejack insisted to a worried Bronze who was sitting at her dinner table with Big Mac. And Zecora. The mare ate here more often than not lately.

“But she grabbed my flank! Aren’t you worried at all?” Bronze asked, glad that when he brought up the subject gently, that Granny Smith had led Apple Bloom to eat in the living room as she told her some stories.

“If this griffon, grabby she is. Bring her in, some fun will be a whiz.” Zecora joked, getting AJ to blush and Bronze to groan.

“Look, Bronze. Ponies, we just don’t see issue with what you’re havin’ trouble adjustin’ to.” Big Mac said, the mouthful of words common when among family or close friends. Most thought him quiet and reserved. No, he was just shy.

“Ugh...when in Rome they say. Well in Rome, gladiators buttfucked each other. I’m not going that far if I don’t have to.” Bronze said with a roll of his eyes.

“What about Roam?” Big Mac asked. “That sounds about right. Stallions bedded each other as often as mares in the olden days of Roam I hear.”

“ARGH! PUNS!” Bronze pounded his face into his plate of mashed potatoes, trying to contain his laughter as everyone grinned at his usual reaction to what was apparently a pun to his perspective.

“Look sugarcube. Ah’m fine with lettin’ Gilda in on the group, if she’s willin’ to share like such a thing works.”

“But that’s the thing!” Bronze’s muffled voice came from the high-piled plate of mashed potatoes (Granny Smith insisted he ‘bulk up’). “I thought Rainbow Dash and Gilda were a thing!” Everyone was stunned quiet, and Bronze blinked at them as he pulled his face from the potatoes, most of it clinging to his face anyway. “I may be oblivious to my own romantic situations, but I am keenly aware of other’s.”

“Dash is a filly-fooler? Never thought she was like that.” AJ then blushed. “Oh...uh...well now that Ah think ‘bout it...she may have been flirtin’ with me quite a bit and Ah just completely missed it….” AJ was remembering a few times Dash convinced her to work out together. “Uh...no, she was definitely flirtin’ with me...holdin’ that reverse-pony pose that long wasn’t really necessary….”

“Rainbow Dash can bend backwards? Mm...now I cannot stop thinking of seeing her afterwards….” Zecora teased AJ, who huffed in annoyance.

“ANYWAY!” Bronze interjected, thinking of his friend like that was NOT what he wanted and-’GREAT! Now I can’t get a flexible Rainbow out of my head!’ “This is about Gilda!”

“Can she hold a reverse-pony?” Big Mac asked curiously, getting a new image in Bronze’s head, making him growl and shove his face into his potatoes again as his wings stiffened out. “Ah’ll take that as a maybe.”

“Um, hey?” The new voice that spoke alerted everyone and they looked to see a well-dressed fluffy-furred and rather lithe black and white diamond dog, having entered from the pantry. “Is someone named Bronze Brave here?”

“That would be the fella with his face fulla mash.” Big Mac helpfully commented.

“Wow never thought I’d see a male alicorn, let alone one that was such a messy eater,” Nuada remarked.

“The potatoes help hide the shame.” Bronze said sullenly as he extended his long bat-like tongue and swept all of the mash into his mouth like Pinkie does cake.

“What, that you can’t handle three mares let alone two? Or the fact you’re a virgin?” Asked the intruding dog as he closed the pantry behind him.

“All of the above. I can’t handle even ONE mare.” Bronze grumbled, getting Applejack to sigh.

“He won’t listen to me when Ah say he can definitely handle us, at least emotionally...wait, WHO ARE YA?!” AJ snapped at the dog in her house, realizing an intruder had just walked in through her pantry…. “Oh. Did that rude varmint Jeeves toss ya in here?”

“Yes he did, seems he saw my plight with too many females wanting me, and wants me to share my insight with Bronze here,” Nuada stated crossing his arms, his tail slightly wagging. Then he sniffed the air, and his ears perked. “Uh...what’s that smell-.”

*YIP!*

“Oh~ she’s adorable!” Nuada cried out when Winona ran into the dining room, and she jumped up into his arms and began licking his face. “I love dogs!”

“Well it would be strange if not. For if your own kind you hate, your life’s worth is naught.” Zecora said sagely, and Bronze nodded with a sigh. He hated his own kind for a long time before Equestria.

“My own kind? Oh right sorry, introductions; my name is Nuada Lugh, Guardian of my Equestria, Jurain warrior, and one of the Displaced,” Nuada stated, motioning for Winona to sit as he stood.

“*PINKIE GASP~* JURAI?! YOU’RE A TENCHI MUYO DISPLACED?! EEEEE~!” Bronze burst from his seat at the speed of derp, and tackled Nuada into the pantry. “DO YOU KNOW TENCHI?! HAVE YOU MET RYOKO?!”

“Please get off.” Nuada said shoving at Bronze, launching him across the room casually. “No, and sorta. I think I might meet them one day though.”

“Oh, okay. You got a tenchi? Alternate universe variant of a lightsaber?” Bronze asked from his spot on the floor across the room.

“Yes, I have a master key, not showing you it right now. You’re too light, you need to bulk up.” Nuada was surprised how easily he tossed the alicorn across the room, on accident at that.

“I used to be 12 feet tall and a wall of muscle. I’m kinda trying to get at least some of that back.” Bronze smirked self-deprecatingly. “I’m not going to go Bulk Biceps level though. I kinda want to be able to reach back and actually touch my flanks without muscles blocking movement.”

“I don’t know this Bulk Biceps but from his name I gather he is a body builder-.”

“-And my personal trainer.”

“Right, good to hear. Also, more proteins. But we are getting off topic and I think your marefriends are getting confused.” Nuada said pointing to AJ and Zecora.

“Ah’ve more or less given up on tryin’ to wrap my noggin around most of the shenanigans my coltfriend ends up in.” AJ dismissed.

“Wise it would be to ignore some things. Otherwise it would be hard to accept his rings.” Zecora said with a shrug.

“Well yeah though, we’d better move this conversation somewhere-.”

“Hey! Bronze!” Bronze suddenly bolted under the table, hiding in the darkness with his black coat, his silvery mane and tail ruining it though. “I wanna apologize okay! What I pulled back there was a totally dweeb move!” A scratchy female voice shouted in through a nearby window, which Nuada saw was a griffon hen hovering outside.

“Gilda I take it?” Nuada asked while petting Winona, calmly ignoring the shaking alicorn under the table.

“Yeah that’s her. Gilda, come inside! Ah’m not gonna buck you one for gropin’ mah stallion if’n ya’ll jus’ come n’ sit a while!” AJ blushed and cleared her throat. “Jus’, git in here!”

“Do not fret Applejack. If need be, drop the rhymes I shall.” Zecora soothed her apparently nervous marefriend.

“No hooves up my keister?!” Gilda asked with a shout.

“Eenope!” Big Mac actually raised his voice, and picked up his empty plate with a polite nod as he took his dishes to the kitchen for washing.

“Okay...coming in!” Gilda called back inside, and the back door soon opened revealing the griffon, who looked under the table at the futily hiding Bronze. “I...I can come back later if he isn’t willing to listen….”

“‘Brave’ here is just fishing around for a dropped fork, however I hate to ask but I need his attention for a few minutes, maybe you and the ladies here can talk things over for a few minutes?” Nuada suggested scooping Bronze up and tossing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

[@]

“Look, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had ANY relationship issues before! I’ve only had three girlfriends before. ALL of them were friends, who decided to go further, and had to push me against a wall and kiss me or something to get my attention. I’m a total submissive too, so I don’t know if I could even survive having a herd.” Bronze said as he paced in front of the green couch that Nuada had sat on in the living room. Granny Smith had ushered Apple Bloom up to bed a short bit ago, so it was convenient.

“Well I’ve still never had an official girlfriend, and I was around twenty before being sent to my Equestria, where I was older brother to my Celestia and Luna for over a hundred years. But all that stuff in the past is pointless really, even if we’re both virgins.” Nuada said not impressed.

“Yeah. But in Your position, your issues were expected right?” Bronze asked, getting a sigh and a nod out of Nuada. “I wasn’t expecting anything! I was just, trying to go with the flow, do things my way. When suddenly: AJ decides she wants to be my marefriend out of a shared mutual attraction and that we both admired each other’s sense of Honesty. Then my world blew up! Then I lost several hundred pounds of body mass and turned into a FUCKING ALICORN! I’m basically my own damn son! I mean, this body? I’m basically what minotaur me and Luna would’ve had if we got busy and-”

*CLANG!* A random shovel materialized from thin air and struck Nuada in the face.

“Great, whatever. So yeah. I’m basically Luna’s son-!”

*CLANG!* and another shovel formed and split Nuada’s nose open, and dazed him.

“Would you quit it?! I’m finally venting my frustration on someone who won’t take offense to the idea that I’m royalty because I’m Luna’s bastard-!”

*CLANG!* “Stop saying her name damn it!” Nuada said nursing his snout.

“Sis? Why does mentioning sis cause shovels to materialize and hit you? Oh, thanks by the way, AJ said she needed some more shovels.” Bronze commented as he weakly levitated the spawned shovels into the corner away from any entrances or the front door.

“A gift from a new friend of mine, short story is Luna turned evil and betrayed-”

*CLANG!*

“These usually vanish after hitting me.” Nuada stated trying to distract himself from painful thoughts.

“Oh. You mean Nightmare. I laid a smackdown on her, freed my sis, absorbed the Nightmare’s power, and ended up filtering Nightmare’s power back into her and even Tia. You should see them, I bet they look way different compared to the ones you know.” Bronze said excitedly, wording somehow that Nuada didn’t even tie Luna in.

“Maybe another time, let us focus on your immediate problem. Specifically that you have a bunch a mares and a hen after your tail,” Nuada said doing his best to shift focus.

“Well, yeah. But the main issue isn’t just that I have trouble adjusting to the idea, but because I was damn sure that-.”

“WHAT?!” Gilda screeched from the dining room, followed by crashing and the sound of a door being slammed open along with wild wing flaps made Bronze and Nuada practically warp into the room, only to see a flummoxed AJ, an amused Zecora, and a torn-up room leading to a ruined and hanging-open back door.

“Girls, what just happened?” Nuada asked barely glancing up from the couch.

“Well, Gilda was waxin’ poetic ‘bout why she was so heated over Bronze….” AJ blushed deeply, making Bronze blush at wondering just what the griffon had said that incited that sort of reaction.

“Her reasons were quite persuasive. However, I felt important the news of Rainbow Dash’s feelings evasive. And so when I did tell, I believe she took it well.”

“Well?” Bronze asked incredulously. “She tore up AJ’s dining room! How is that taking it well?!”

“Considerin’ the blush through her feathers and her stiff wings? Really well.” Applejack insisted. “She looked about ready to pounce upon hearin’ that, an’ Ah don’t mean in a dangerous way.”

“Well that takes care of part of your problem I think.” Nuada said smirking. “Atleast if Rainbow Dash feels the same.”

“Ah doubt that.” AJ commented. “Her reasons are real convincing...and kinda make my reasons for wanting Bronze be added to.”

“What did she say?!” Bronze asked in aghast shock, his wings fluttering slightly in anticipation.

“Afraid I am that such a thing is not for us to tell. If you truly must know, you must ask the hen as well.” Zecora grinned, but the way she wagged her brows just made Bronze snort in annoyance and weakly and childishly stomped his way out of the room.

“First piece of advice, what a mare not in your herd thinks of you is irrelevant, unless you want her to join you all.” Nuada said, petting Winona as she jumped back up into his arms as he followed the flustered and annoyed alicorn.

“Yeah, IF it didn’t make your current herd mates even MORE interested in you!” Bronze complained, sighing. “If Gilda’s reasons aligned or enhanced my current marefriend’s reasons, then knowing would’ve been better than not knowing...also, I kinda have NO clue why ANYPONY-er, anyONE, would find ME of all ponies, attractive.”

“Personality, and last I checked Alicorns can’t be ugly. So yeah you are in the same boat as I. Going to have learn to roll with it,” Nuada pointed out.

“So all the girls will want my plot just because I’m an Alicorn? But ponies can barely see these things against my hide when they’re folded.” Bronze flapped his wings and folded them back in, the black on black making seeing them rather difficult. “And both AJ and Zecora knew me as a minotaur before I ascended, so that can’t be it. Save for Gilda’s reasons.”

“Personality, you forgot to take that into account, if you were like that jerk Kagato even being attractive would not help you. The fact you have what I am told is a nice personality, and ponies know who you are and can associate your good deeds with a face. The harem curse takes two parts to work and you have them both,” Nuada explained.

“Great...great...thanks. I guess I’ve just gotta roll with the punches then? Please remember the punches are composed of hardened enamel and not fleshy fists.” Bronze bemoaned his apparently harem-cursed fate, and decided to flop onto his side on the green and white circular rug of the living room.

“Oh I know, Jeeves pulled me out of a chase with Cinder, a succubus pony who can level mountains. And while I may have been running from her, that was because I didn’t want to give her any more reason to like me. Darn masochists.” Nuada said shivering.

“...Wait...did Jeeves spawn the Doorway in the air, or use an existing one?” Bronze asked worriedly, considering he knew how his power worked, and the latter wouldn’t go well if he was being chased by a mountain-leveling demoness.

“Oh shit shit shit.” Nuada said panicking, “I ducked into Rarity’s.”

“Oh, Rarity. You’re doomed dawg. Unless you give her fancy clothes she’s never worked with before or something, you’re in the doghouse with her for a while.” Bronze said...then snorted, and started laughing. “OH MY GOG! I wasn’t even trying to do that~!” Bronze yelled, laughing so hard his long bat-like tongue rolled out a foot and a half away from his lips onto the floor as he tried to hug his barrel. “My ribs! My ribs~!”

“Man I was going to get her help with a new tux, so screwed now. Wait, your guy Jeeves gave me some Neighponese silk. That guy is good.” Nuada said, calming down.

“Lucky you. Well, thanks for the talk, I needed this. Sure, I still have to deal with whatever it was Gilda told my marefriends but-.”

“I SMELL DOG!”

“SO RARE!”

“NOT BULLDOG!”

Nuada felt an ominous aura approaching the farmhouse, and every hair on his body stood on end, “Diamond dogs.” Then he blinked, and looked at the adorable dog in his arms, who fluttered her eyes at him with a vicious grin. “You adorable little traitor….”

*yip!*

“Sorry Bronze, gotta go. My Curse plagues me!” Nuada suddenly set Winona down and ran into the dining room, pounding three times on the door. “Jeeves! JEEVES! EVAC!”

“HE'S IN HERE!”

“GET HIM!”

“OH GOD NO!” Suddenly, Nuada saw a glimpse of a female bulldog DD jump into the open back door, only for him to be yanked through the Doorway and into the remains of a house, the trunk that Jeeves had said was sent to his home was instead next to his snout. “Ow...a note?”

This should be adequate compensation to the seamstress for the damage, another trunk with similar clothing was delivered to your home as promised.

P.S. Look up.

Nuada looked up and saw Cinder and Rarity glaring at him. “Dog or not, you’re still mine Nuada.” She looked him over. “Especially if that tongue does what other demons say it can.”

“And I looked in the chest, that’s not enough to forgive you with, I expect a few shopping trips with you as my mule will do.” Rarity huffed. “And you will allow me to try and copy your fur’s texture if it’s wonderful in any way.”

With a sigh Nuada resigned himself to his fate, glad at least Cinder had had time to calm down. “This form is temporary, and any wedding will be a while away.”

“That’s fine I’m sure we can work something out.” She said in a sultry voice, turning back to Rarity with a joyful expression. “Now, we were talking gowns?”

“Oh yes darling! I think a nice black gown rather than white would go with your natural color. Especially if we emphasized the shape of your body rather than hide it like a mourning gown.” Rarity said as she and Cinder trotted to the intact stairs, leaving Nuada to sulk in his misery.

“Stupid Tenchi….”

Author's Notes:

Alright! Finally, after his return from helping Richard fight The Twins in Terrarian Tank, Bronze is instantly forced to face a situation he has no experience with.

Avatar of Tenchi, original master of the Harem genre, to the rescue~!

This was a crossover with DemonWolf's No need for Equestria.

Yay, got links to work~!