We chatted idly for some time, lingering over the sandwiches. Violette, it seems, had been applying herself to her studies of the Equestrian tongue (English to you and I, but don't tell the Equestrian travel board that.) It was only now she felt confident enough to venture a conversation. Between that, and the "Fancy to Equestrian, Equestrian to Fancy" phrasebook certain someponies had gifted me with a week or so prior (why do I feel the beginnings of a conspiracy closing around me?) we managed to get by.

The topics of conversation were carefully neutral at first. The weather, the events of the day, so on and so forth. They awkwardly edged towards the more personal however. Violette spoke a bit of herself, explained her cutie mark: a goldfish leaping from a smaller bowl to a larger one--- a symbol, in her case, for a taste for simple adventures, a need to continually move outside her comfort zone (it was why she had come to Equestria as a house servant, despite barely knowing the language.) I had learned as much before, but I listened avidly. She told me a bit about family (still back in her homeland, they had been sorry to see her go, but knew she had to follow her cutie mark where it led.) I chatted a bit about business about the castle, though heaven knew as a maid she was probably better acquainted with the goings-on there than I was.

There still was a certain clumsiness about our banter. We would edge towards certain topics and then skitter away nervously, or fall into lapses of silence that seemed to last a second or two longer than they should. I had always been a solitary type, and had no prior experience with dating, in either world. Was this normal? She seemed nervous and often halted in mid-sentence, as if she had questions she wanted to ask or things she wanted to say, but was insecure in contemplating or even thinking them. I myself was beating around the bush about asking a few things myself.

I finally decided to broach the topic preying on my mind. "Violette," I began carefully. "If I may ask..."

"Oui?"

"You... that is, I have the impression that... or so I have been informed, ah..." confound it. "Since we first met, you seem to have-- taken an interest in me." I paused, then phrased it the only way I could. "Why?"

She ventured a small smile. "Why?... Yoo deed... save mai lahf," she pointed out. "Twice, n'est ce pais? Ah wood fahnd any  colt een-- ow you say--- eentrai-sting? for zat.." she ducked her head between her shoulders. "And... yoo ahr kind, and fonnee, and...intrigante-- eentreeging." She blushed. "Yoo ahr verra deefran' from many stallion."

I cocked an eyebrow at that. "One might say that," I said, looking down at myself. I certainly hoped this wasn't some odd 'loving the alien' sort of fetish that attracted her. That would be-- awkward. "Most mares would be, ah, apprehensive for that reason," I said carefully.

She got an odd, evasive sort of look on her face. "Apprehensif, oui... some." She squirmed, suddenly embarrassed. "I saw you are charmaing, and am eentrai-staid, but--ahh, I, haf heard ze ru-mairs--"

"Rumors?" I got a wry grin. "What, that I'm a violent, war crazy, flesh-eating monkey monster from the stars, that sort of thing?"

It took her a moment of puzzled contemplation to translate what I said. "Oh, non, non, zat is seely," she said, shaking her head and waving a hoof in negation. "I, ah, was warned by ozairs zat, your people, um, were... " she blushed suddenly.

I had a growing dreadful suspicion. "What?"

She mumbled it in Fancy. "I was told that humans.... n'avaient pas de morale sexuelle comme nous le faisons," she stammered. "That you---que vous feriez quelque chose de pervers, et même prendre des photos ..." She held up her hooves as if to ward off a blow. "Eet is gossip-- tale telling I am sure--"

I only knew a smattering of French but I could pick out the words 'moral,' 'sexual,' 'perverse,' and 'photos' easily enough. I groaned and facepalmed, resisting the urge to slump to the floor and crawl away in embarrassment. "I knew this was going to happen," I muttered.

This was going to be a long, complicated and mortifying explanation.

From the desk of Arthur Arcturus, advisor to their Majesties the Princesses of Equestria, to his fellow bronies still residing in the human world, namely, those less than few authors of fan works known collectively as 'Clopfics':

Dear GOD I hate you all.

No. I will not hold my words in abeyance. You cannot possibly grasp how utterly, totally, and sincerely I loathe you and your works on the face of the earth at this very moment. Thanks to you, and one mislaid terabyte hard drive, I have today suffered terror, dismay, and indignity for which no possible words or combination of words can venture to express in full, save for these: I blame you for ALL of this.

Through all the events I have chronicled thus far, the Mirror Gate has continued to function as before--- for a given value of the word "function," that is. Perhaps "Continued to malfunction" would be more accurate. Regardless, the pernicious device, in its role as a misbehaving portal between the world of Equestria and the world of Earth, had continued to randomly and accidentally pilfer miscellaneous loose objects from my former world and pass them to this one. The unicorn technicians had managed to put controllers on it that kept it from vacuuming up anything larger than, say, a breadbox, or to allow through anything toxic, radioactive, or currently living (or, in a rare moment of foresight, anything formerly living.) These precautions however did not prevent it from burping up items that were destined to cause us immense trouble.

As suggested previously, a great deal of computer hardware was making the transition. The ponies in charge had conscripted me into helping them analyze, and eventually, reassemble these odds and ends into functional machinery. After a few weeks they had become dab hands at putting together the jigsaw puzzle of parts the Mirror dropped into their laps.

Not a few days prior to this posting a rubbish bin had come tumbling through the gate-- an optimal find, as it meant that nobody on the other side would be wanting it back. Someone had apparently been cleaning out an office or apartment, a student, by their estimation, as the waste can had been filled with the detritus one associated with a high school student-- old stationery, miscellaneous school supplies, and a few computer peripherals.... including a one terabyte hard drive, carefully wrapped in tissue paper and stored in a shoebox. Pleased with their discovery, the budding technophiles had promptly plugged it in to one of the cobbled together hardware systems in the laboratory.

To their delight the disk was packed chock-a-block with files. They sent a memo to the Princesses, and subsequently to me, detailing their find and stating that while they had not yet decrypted most of it, to judge by the few files publicly accessible the majority of its contents apparently consisted of amateur artwork and writing. They thought it would provide great insight into human mainstream culture, and were requesting attendance by Celestia and Luna and, as an afterthought, myself, if I wished, for when they first opened the passworded and encrypted files the next morning.

At the time I had scanned the note idly and politely declined to attend, not thinking much about it. It wasn't until the next day, while I was sitting at my desk writing some missive or other, that something about it began gnawing at my conscience. I pulled out the memo and re-read it, frowning. Something about it was amiss. What kind of student throws away a one-terabyte hard drive? And why would they wrap it in tissue paper and box it first-- unless they were planning to retrieve it?

Why would a college or high school student have so many encrypted files? And what sort of files could anyone fill up an entire one-terabyte hard... drive...

I scanned the letter again.

Allow me to note in passing, to our amusement the 'hard drive' also features a laminated sticker on the side, a drawing of Princess Twilight Sparkle....

Sickening comprehension dawned. I lurched from my desk and raced for the door. I galumphed down the castle corridor as fast as I could go, to the consternation of my bodyguards, who fell in behind me, querying me as to what was wrong. I saved my breath for running, save to wave them all back... of the lot only Jonquil, the flutterpony, ignored me and kept following.

I surprised myself; I actually managed to keep up something of a running pace for two or three minutes before staggering back down to a limping walk. I realized too late that running was a wasted effort; even had I managed to run all the way there, there was no way to prevent what was about to happen. The best I could hope to do was compose myself, arrive in a calm and timely manner, and try to contain the damage.

When I got there, I was outwardly calm and collected. Inwardly I was resigned to my doom.

It was as I predicted. The unicorn techs had, oh gods why, they had set up the projector screen so that the entire wall was taken up with the contents of the computer monitor. And they had apparently started with the archived "artwork". Everyone-- the workers, the scientists, the guards, the Princesses, yes all of them, even Cadence--- were there. Ah, and of course,  so were the rest of the Mane Six, of COURSE they would be.

"And the clouds rolled back, and God said, 'I hate you, Arthur Arcturus," I intoned fatalistically.

They were all staring with indescribable expressions of shock, revulsion, bewilderment and horror at the pictures (yes, pictures plural; they had managed to set it up in slideshow format, and in multiple windows) glowing on the wall before them.... images of THEM; of Celestia, Luna, Twilight Sparkle, Cadence, Shining Armor, the Mane Six, their friends, their neighbors, their family, their family pets, doing absolutely disgusting things with absolutely disgusting things TO absolutely disgusting things in violation of all known laws of nature and anatomy.

Jonquil said it best for all of us. "Oh MY GAWHDS!" she shrieked, fluttering next to my ear.

Twilight was in a rictus, frozen in a silent scream. Cadence was catatonic; Shining Armor looked like he was poleaxed. Luna's eyes were all but starting out of her head; she looked like she was about to have a relapse to Nightmare Moon at any moment. Dash and Applejack looked like they were going to mule-kick someone. Rarity was making these horrified little cries of violation and betrayal. Fluttershy couldn't make up her mind whether to press her hooves over her mouth or over her eyes. Pinkie Pie, I don't know how to classify her expression save to say she looked like she was finally experiencing the shocked state of surreality she normally induced in others.

Celestia, apparently jarred out of her stunned state by Jonquil's scream, turned her head to look at me. "Arcturus... what..." her eyes flicked to the images, then back to me, beseeching.

You unspeakable bastards. All of you. Why in God's name am I the one forced to explain your My Little Pony Porn to Princess Celestia?

I said nothing, I just walked over to where the incriminating computer stood. There was an earth pony assistant sitting at the keyboard. His pupils were pinpricks and his jaw was locked open. he was frozen in place, staring at the princesses over my shoulder with an expression of soul-withering terror. I could hear a high-piched 'eeeeeeeeee' coming from his throat. Poor bastard. I could read his mind; I'm surrounded by powerful, dangerous ponies, they've just been shown horrible pornographic pictures of themselves, and I'm the one running the projector. "Relax, colt," I muttered as I eased him off the stool. "Nobody blames you." I sat down at the desk and shut the projector off with a snap.

That seemed to snap the rest of them out of it. Groans of shock and revulsion went up as what they had just seen sank in. Shouts of outrage, horror, disgust, humiliation, tears of rage and shame, it covered the gambit. I saw one or two turn and barf into wastebaskets and open boxes. One poor mare stood in a corner with her face buried in her hooves sobbing like a distraught child and squalled "that doesn't go there, that DOESN'T GO THERE" over and over again.

As the lone human in the room, soon much of the tumult began centering on me.

Imagine that you discovered that you had a weird neighbor living next door, some odd little man who liked to peer through the knotholes in his fence at his neighbors. Perhaps you're disturbed at first, then you eventually dismiss him as odd, but mostly harmless.

Then one day you discover he has piles of pictures he's drawn of your baby sister. Naked. Fornicating with your family dog.

The only question after that would be just how many times you would reload the shotgun after you hunted him down.

To you bronies still in the human world, those clopfics and pics were just fantasy fap material. Over here, they're pictures of them, their families, their friends, their children, created in a horrible and frightening violation of their privacy and dignity.

And I, being the only human available, was left with the simply joyous task of trying to offer an explanation. I was now the center of a perfect storm of violated pony rage. Have you ever seen a really ANGRY horse bearing down on you? Imagine a roomful of them. Some of them wielding weapons.

"What the BUCK??" Dash screamed. "What the Buckity Flanking BUCK??"

"What in HAIL?" Applejack said succinctly. Her face was as red as one of her apples, she was huffing like a steam engine on a five mile uphill grade. "What son of a lame skunk and a desperate diamond dog made those pictures? I'm gonna plant a horseshoe up their plot so far they'll taste iron-- "

"These are the humans that are watching us?" Fluttershy whimpered through her hooves.

Twilight shook her head. "Oh gods, oh gods, oh Maker--" she said miserably, turning in a circle, her wings flailing. "Why? Why?They had-- of ME-- doing--- and my FRIENDS-- and-- oh Maker was that last one me and SPIKE??--" She lost it at that point; her next act was a galloping run for the nearest trash can and a round of noisy retching.

Rarity was well past any fake swooning. She was positively shaking in fury. "I'll DESTROY them--!" she seethed, grinding her teeth in fury. "What sort of depraved animals live in your world, Arthur? How could your people befoul innocent ponies like this--"

Applejack rounded on me as well. "You all told us these 'brony' folk were halfway decent!" she said, accusing. "What the HAIL is all this, then? You folk ain't nuthin' but a bunch of greasy-hoofed perverts!"

The others quickly joined in. Angry, revolted, tearful accusations from every corner. I just sat there, my face in my hands, and let it roll over me. What else could I do?

"My little ponies, PLEASE!!" Celestia finally shouted, fanning her wings. The chamber fell mercifully silent. "Please, let Arthur be," she said. "He is hardly the author of this. Let him at least speak on his own behalf!"

Silence held for a few precious moments. I sighed, running my hand down my face. "So..." I finally said. "How long have you all been..." I waved a hand. "...Browsing?"

"Oh, no more than a minute or so, for the pictures," Celestia said, sighing. She waved a hoof. "We'd already spent some time reading through the text files." I noticed the piles of printouts. Curse the day I taught them how to use a printer. I leafed through a few; yet again, porn. Clopfics.

"All of them?" I blurted out. "They had a TERABYTE of Pony porn?"

"We couldn't believe it either," one of the scientists said dryly. "But no... We just noticed the first gigabyte or so of files had names like "celestia," or "luna" or "Elements of Harmony" and looked there first. The rest seems to be... varied."

"The first gigabyte?"

"There were a lot of files."

I sat down wearily. Celestia looked at me almost sympathetically. "Is this what you have been trying to hide from us all this time?" she asked.

It was quite true. This was a topic I'd been LONG avoiding. I'd not only been carefully censoring what I told them of human culture, carefully downplaying the more embarrassing parts--- or at least only referencing it in ambivalent terms--- I'd spent some time anxiously scanning the incoming materiel from the Mirror for stuff from the underbelly of human culture, especially from the nastier underside of the My Little Pony fandom. I had been lucky thus far, but today my luck had run out.

And no, it wasn't just prudery, though one would hardly have to be a prude to object to some of the content that floods the internet from "fans." Do you people realize that in some cultures making vulgar pictures or stories about the national leader would be an act of war? I was having visions of the stellar sisters climbing through that Mirror with an army behind them and going on a brony-skewering spree. Luna, at least, looked ready to try it.

I got no sympathy from the pony researchers or guards, either; they shot looks of contempt of me all their own. And why not? To them I was just the representative of a species that had just desecrated their near-divine immortal rulers and their greatest national heroes--- A lone monkey from a troupe that had just flung shit at their national emblem.

"Wouldn't you?" I said simply, holding out my hands, palms up, in defeat.

To my surprise she sighed, and nodded. "I cannot blame you for being-- embarrassed by the baser behavior of your people," she said. "Do not be afraid, Arthur, I do not blame you. We're no sexless innocents ourselves; I'm not unfamiliar with what supposedly intelligent beings can sink to." She pursed her lips in distaste.

"Then why the shock?" I asked.

"Largely, the fact that this is so... Personal," she admitted. "Still, this is... incredibly extreme." She looked unsettled and embarrassed. "We are no strangers to erotica here in this world, Arcturus. Myself and my sister in times past have appeared in various artists' erotic works--"

"That whole... sun and moon, avatars of fertility thing," I ventured.

"Horny artists and collectors," Celestia corrected dryly, her eyelids at half mast. Luna muttered something about 'that damned cathedral fresco all over again' under her breath. "And despite our best efforts there are probably more than a few illicit magazines floating around in the dregs of Canterlot society with, shall we say, 'artistic renditions'---" she stopped. "But even then... there was some restraint."

"This... is a bit much," she finished weakly.

"You are too kind to them," Luna said, finally breaking her silence. She almost spat the words. "Never have I seen such. Not even in the decadence of Roam or the hedonists of Pegasopolis would stomach such! Such vile... filthy..." she choked. "are humans nothing but rutting, musk-oozing animals, that they tolerate and embrace such?"

"Luna, please!" Celestia said.

"No, I will not still my tongue! Well we should fear his people approaching us, as he himself forewarned, if such bestial appetites are commonplace among them!" Luna snapped, her wings flaring angrily. "And look at how they regard US!" Her wing fanned out, sending a stack of the clopfics fluttering to the floor. "They look on us with vulgar intent and lewdness--"

"She's right, Celestia," Twilight said weakly, hobbling back to the group, wiping her mouth with one wing. She looked at me; the look of violation in her eyes was heartbreaking. "Arthur, I saw portrayals of sodomy, tribadism, bestiality, rape, incest, pedofoalia--- don't humans have any sexual morals or taboos? At all?"  The other ponies around were muttering amongst themselves to that effect.

"Please, my little ponies," Celestia said, raising a wing for silence. "Don't be so swift to rush to judgment."

"Rush to judgement?" Luna barked. "Tia, there were tentacles--!"

"And household appliances," someone else added soberly. Perhaps with a touch of awe.

"We saw what we saw, your Highness," one of the researchers said, apologetically.

"As did I," Celestia nodded. "But use your common sense. Shouldn't the fact that Arthur is mortified by this, indicate that perhaps this is out of the ordinary?" Here she ventured a small smile. "I will admit some confusion on my part that such prolific salaciousness should come from the same world as someone as, ah, fastidiously modest as our Mr. Arcturus." I heard a few ponies chuff in curt amusement.

What can I say. I suppose it will never cease to amuse them that I wear pants. "Look," I pleaded. "Humans aren't a bunch of bonobo chimps. We do have morals and ethics and standards... even if we don't live up to them perfectly. Please, believe me... most bronies, most humans in general, are not like this."

Dash zipped over and got nose to nose with me. "You're still not off the hook, pal. I don't care how many of you humans are pervs or not, the point is that a bunch of pervy humans are writing nasty stories and drawing nasty pictures-- of US!"

"And what do you want ME to do about it??" I snapped, my exasperation deepening.

"I want some explanations for starters! Why the buck are they drawing me as a lesbian??"

"Dash, they drew us all as lesbians," Fluttershy meekly pointed out.

Dash brushed her off. "I didn't need to do a count to see how many rainbow manes there were," she said sullenly. "And I saw how many of those stories had "rainbow" in the title..."

"We are no fools, Arthur," Celestia said. Behind the serenity of her voice was the barely restrained scandalization of a noblewoman. "We all saw and read enough to notice certain trends. I saw quite a few that featured my sister and myself... with each other... "

"And with Nightmare Moon?" Luna said in disbelief. "And Chrysalis?" At this the two immortal sisters lost all composure; they shuddered violently and let a strangled "yyyeeerrrrrggggghh" escape their lips.

"Celestia and Chrysalis?" Pinkie Pie said, thoughtful. "Is that what they mean by 'buggery?'"

"PINKIE--!!" Twilight yelled.

"And why do they show me an' my brother--" Applejack went from red to green.

"And the way they portray me," Rarity sniffled. A sympathetic lab pony had fetched her a box of tissues, and she was busily dabbing at her nose and her ruined mascara. "I read one of those dreadful stories. They make me out to be this... this..."

"Town bicycle?" Pinkie Pie suggested. I jumped; somehow she had sidled up to me and was now clicking her way through the files on the still-active computer. "But they make us all out like that, Rarity... " she paused on one image, her expression as bewildered as a baby seal on it's first encounter with a baseball bat. "Awww... not in my pooper again..."

"Will you stop LOOKING at that stuff?" I slapped her hooves away from the keyboard and smacked the power button on the computer. It spun down with a dismal whine and went dark. I was getting terse; this had been an emotional strain and I really was at the end of my tether. "you want the long and short of it?" I said. Dash stifled a snort. "Oh shut up, Dash... First, they do this because they CAN. Smut junkies would stick it in a cactus full of fire ants if someone told them it was kinky. And for some people, nothing is more delightful than violating a moral code, or taking something innocent and corrupting it. But as to particulars?

"The lesbian thing? First off because most smut consumers are males, and the only thing males like looking at better than a sexually aroused female is TWO sexually aroused females. As the saying goes, the only thing better than ice cream is ice cream on top of ice cream." I noted drolly that several stallions around the room were nodding subtly in agreement. Not so different after all....

"Secondly... because the show, the My Little Pony show, Friendship is Magic, is all about the six of you. And none of you are shown with boyfriends, or even dating. So the drooling fanboys make do by matching you up with whoever is available."

"And Dash," I said. "I'm sorry, but... they pick on you especially because you're a tomboy."

"Yeah, so?"

"So they're sexist pigs. It's a disgusting retrogade stereotype that all girls who are athletic and rough and tumble and tomboyish are really lesbians."

"What !?" Dash sputtered. "That's---Is that why they showed me with Gilda...?"

"Remember when she visited Ponyville, and how she got in a feud with Pinkie Pie?" I reminded her. "There are some bronies who thought Gilda was acting like... well... a jealous girlfriend..."

"What? Aw, ewwwwww--"

"Is that why---" Twilight waved her hoof. "Me and Trixie?" She stammered.

"Old cliche', the 'rivals in love,' " I said wearily.

"That's just ridiculous. We barely even MET when she came to Ponyville! She--- never mind, it doesn't matter, does it."

I shook my head. "You had to have seen at least a few Lyra and Bon Bon pics in there. All that's required for an excuse is close proximity. Not even that really..." I reflected on the reams of Vinyl Scratch/Octavia art, and to my knowledge those two had never even met. Or appeared on the show on the same episode.

"And the ones of me and mah brother?" Applejack turned green again.

"Another nasty stereotype," I said bluntly. "A lot of conceited city-born bigots in my world like to spread the rumor that country folk are all inbred and commit incest." I thought a moment. "And bestiality," I added.

Applejack shoved her hat at Rarity. "Here, take this," she said.

"Why?" Rarity asked.

"'Cause I'm afraid I might puke in it--!"

Shining Armor spoke up for the first time. "None of that explains the ones of me," he said, humiliation and anger fuming in his voice. "Cadence and I are married! Quite publicly! We got a DVD through the portal: there was an entire two-episode season finale!"

"And the pervs would just say, 'Hey, good cover," I said. Shining seemed to swell with rage at that one, Cadence frantically tried to calm him down. "They're nasty people, Shining," I went on. " After a certain point they don't need a reason. They're just seeing how many combinations they can come up with-- and competing to see how low and base they can go."

"Is that why... the tentacles...?" Fluttershy asked.

"That's an import from the orient. For some time cultural taboos allowed them to show anything but male-to-female penetration so artists resorted to using tentacles in their drawings because it combined simulated coitus with the fetish of bondage and I cannot believe I'm discussing human pornographic underculture with a roomful of PASTEL COLORED TALKING PONIES!!" I ended on a near shriek, pressing the heels of my palms against my eyes.

I took a moment to get a grip. Luna, surprisingly, filled the silence. "We are sorry, Arthur," she said somberly. "We know you aren't responsible for this... and we can see that it upsets you. We did not mean to put such pressure on you. But..." she gestured with a wing. "We have been--- besmirched. And we just want an explanation as to why."

I decided to go for the blunt trauma. I doubted I could give them any more profane a shock than they already had suffered, and at least this way the message would stick. I gave them a rueful grin. "You want an explanation for this? We have one. Among humans on the internet it's called the Greater Internet F@#%wad Theory," I said.

The ponies gaped in shock at my profanity. More than a few gasped. "I beg your pardon?" Celestia said, flushing and giving me a stern, maternal look of warning.

"Normal Person plus Anonymity plus an Audience equals a Total F@#$%wad," I said. "I've told you about the internet before. A great deal of good, combined with a great deal of bad. Well, one of the bads is that these foul people have access to it. And they think that the 'anonymity' of the internet protects them from any moral judgment.

"Why wouldn't they? They never see the other people they interact with. They're sitting at home, behind closed doors and shuttered windows, at a desk like this, in front of a screen and keyboard like this, posting messages and pictures to other computers hundreds or thousands of miles away. No matter how obvious the consequences are made, they feel safe and untouchable.

"And so these people, at least some of them, behave as if they were alone on a desert island-- with no self restraint whatsoever. Morals and ethics and taboos they would never dream of violating elsewhere get thrown right out the window. In fact some of them feel motivated to see just how far they can transgress, and encourage each other to push the envelope as far as they can as well. It turns into a race to the bottom, where everyone loses. And since excluding a jerk from the internet is about as easy as nailing jelly to the wall, they continue their shenanigans with virtual impunity.

"They no more represent the typical sexual mores of the human race than Snowflake in Ponyville represents the typical male pegasus."  

"Then why do you tolerate them?" Twilight demanded, with an angry stamp of her hoof. "Why are THESE ones getting away with it?"

"Because we can't DO anything about them!" I said, letting my exasperation show. "Our culture is swirling down a toilet; what was unthinkable a decade ago occurs right out in the streets today. They draw smut and screech "freedom of speech!" They draw pedophile porn and squawk that it's "not photographic"-- no REAL children were used-- and so it somehow doesn't count--- they publicly violate society's crumbling mores, and claim immunity from consequence---"

I threw up my hands hopelessly. "Unfortunately the law currently agrees with them, so they get away with it. " I paused meaningfully. "For now.   We have laws, STRICT laws, against child porn... and right now they're relying on a legal loophole to get away with it.

They're arrogant and stupid as they are vulgar, and they've forgotten that loopholes can close around your neck when you stick your head through them, and that all it takes is the decision of twelve people in a jury box to upset their little smutty apple cart.

"And as for the rest of it---  sad to say, because our society has let morality slide, the few of us who are outspoken enough to resent it are too cowardly to do anything about it. Because people might say mean things about them." I snorted in disgust. "No balls, no guts, and no brains among the lot of them."

"And try to remember, here; to them you're nothing but fictional characters. Fantasies. They feel no more guilty about drawing lewd pictures of you than you would about making disparaging remarks about characters in a filly's storybook. Though I guarantee that the little would-be libertines would shrivel up like a raisin in the sun if they were confronted with your presence in real life. They don't feel they're degrading anyone." I scowled. "Too bad they never seem to notice they're degrading themselves."

"This hard drive," I said, tapping the hard drive in the exposed inner workings of the desktop, "represents the written and drawn work of maybe, ball park figure, maybe a few thousand people, out of a world population of seven billion. Even in the community of bronies, they're still maybe one percent of the total. They're a tiny group of perverts acting out in a forum where they think they are both anonymous and invulnerable, because nobody has the moral spine, the balls or the guts to flog them from the public square." I leaned forward in my seat, resting my chin on my cane. "I make no excuse for this," I said, waving at the table. "But would you judge the health of a nation by the conditions in a leper colony?" That generated some thoughtful expressions.

"I'm sorry you all had to see this side of humanity," I said soberly. "And I'm really sorry that it happened in a way so... personally violating." Twilight winced; Luna ruffled her wings but remained still. "There are just some sides to humanity that even human beings struggle to control, and want to keep hidden and locked away, and we all have to deal with the damnfool ones that want to put it on display for the world instead."

"I still say these humans are a bunch of sex crazed monkeys," I heard someone mutter. "You wouldn't see anything like this in Equestria."

I turned around. It was one of the guards. Discipline must be slipping. "Oh, care to put your bits where your bridle is?" I snapped. "Let's put five bits on a talk with your Mom about what magazines she found under your mattress when you were a colt, fella." It was a shot in the dark, but it was a bullseye. The guard spluttered and turned red.

I snorted. "you still think this is normal? A terabyte of porn? Whoever owned this was a serious freak.

"Let's consider how this little treasure trove was found: password locked, encrypted up the wazoo, buried in a trash can, wrapped in tissue paper and stuffed in a shoe box-- along with the debris from a hastily-cleaned student's apartment." I saw a few lightbulbs go on. A few knowing smirks got passed around.

Chief amongst the illuminated was Twilight herself. "Oh, you mean this came out of some young adult human's room when he--"

"When he was trying to cover his tracks," I said. "Someone gave him an ultimatum or was about to bust him. And it looks like he was planning on rescuing it from the trash once the heat died down." My mouth twisted in a wry smirk. "The lesson to carry away is that, whatever this horndog hoarder may have boasted online about being more sexually liberated and mature than the rest of us, deep down he knows his little collection isn't publicly or morally acceptable. He hides in the dark-- and on the internet-- because he knows what would happen if he dragged it around in public.

"Summary: Anything you want to know about the role of porn in human society is illustrated by where you got this hard drive--- you dug it out of the trash. Q.E.D."

"Nevertheless," Luna said grimly. "Were these deviants to make an appearance in our world, they would find us far less tolerant and 'open-minded' about their chicanery. Should they arrive in our realm and attempt to make or distribute this wretched work, they will find our dungeons most accommodating."

"Agreed," Celestia said, frowning. "More than one visitor to our country has learned that we are not nearly so tolerant of such things. They will behave themselves, or they will answer for it."

"I would expect no less." I sighed. I had visions of some intrepid brony explorer arriving in Equestria with his iPad under his arm and getting one incredibly unpleasant surprise when the authorities browsed his 'art collection.' Very AMUSING visions.  "Please, just... burn this crap and let us all be rid of it.  And try to be more careful before you go flipping through data storage next time? This time it was porn, the next time it could be a computer virus." Interns hustled to break down the computer and remove the offending hard drive... and hopefully throw it in a blast furnace someplace.

Celestia approached me. "You do realize that rumors are going to get around," she noted sympathetically.

I nodded, my nerves still jangling from the stress of the situation. "Wouldn't be surprised if there weren't some already," I said in disgust. "It would stand to follow. 'They came from beyond the stars, lust-crazed monsters to conquer our world,  to devour our corpses, and breed our mares,' " I intoned dramatically. "Horny Monkey Cannibal Men From SPACE!"

Jonquil sputtered with laughter in my ear. Even Celestia chuckled wryly. I looked over at the others with sympathy; they were all standing around, still shell-shocked from the onslaught of the internet's most common offal. "I wish I had something to help them forget this," I said.

"Excuse me sir, but should we dispose of these, too?"

I turned around; a unicorn intern in a lab coat was levitating a half-dozen loose CDs in front of me. I scanned over the handwritten labels; one in particular jumped out at me. B-R-A-I-N-B-L-E-A-C-H. "Oh thank God," I muttered, grabbing it. "I hope this is what I think it is..." I found a nearby laptop, stuck in the CD and quickly browsed the contents. "Yes, thank you JESUS," I said.

"What is it?" Jonquil asked.

"Therapy for Internet trauma," I said , hooking the laptop up to the wall projector and powering it up. Apparently the owner had been an archivist rather than an aficionado, and needed to cleanse his own brain-palate from time to time. Or maybe needed it on general principles. The slideshow started up to the strains of "What a Wonderful World." Fluttershy was the first to notice.

"Oh look," she said, pointing at the wall. "Bunnies!"

"...And so we spent the next hour or so watching images of cute baby animals and cartoon pictures," I concluded. "And quite a few Brony drawings, too-- clean ones this time. Archives of the cutest sugarbowl art the fandom had. The Baby Celestia and Little Woona ones were a big hit... Luna denies she ever looked like that, no matter what Celestia says--"

"Comment adorable," Violette giggled, looking over my shoulder as I flipped through the images on my smartphone. (Yes, I downloaded the whole set. I had more than a feeling that I'd need a mental balm like that more than once in a while.) She looked me in the eye and dimpled, her eyes twinkling mischievously. "Ah, so no rrravishing sex beast from ze stars?" she teased. "Quelle déception..."

I glowered at her. "Anyway, it at least helped persuade the royal family and the main six that I wasn't just arguing in self-defense. And let them see that not all bronies were raging horndog perverts--- and even those that were, weren't like that ALL the time. It's hard to believe anybody that draws cute baby ponies is completely evil.

"Too bad it didn't stop the rumors leaking out. Some guard or intern or professor probably blabbed something over their beer, and the gossip grapevine got ahold of it in no time. Now the scurrilous rumors are that my race intends to invade, conquer, enslave, eat and hump the pony races." To my gratification she laughed aloud at the notion.

Someone cleared their throat behind me. I turned and saw two guards standing behind my chair. "Excuse us, Sir," one said. "But the Princesses request your presence. We're here to give you a carriage ride to the Cloudsdale Coliseum."

"Oh? Ah well, all good things must come to an end. Is something up?" I asked, setting aside my teacup and getting to my feet.

"It's the Elements, Sir," the other one said. "The Bearers and the Princesses are at the Coliseum testing the Element of Loyalty and the bearer-- er, the Princess-- of Loyalty.

"It seems that the Element has begun to manifest power."