"Okay, before this goes anywhere, let me clarify three points," Discord said.

"One: I've never killed anypony.

"Two: I've never turned anypony to stone.

"And most importantly three: I have never, ever, under any circumstances, given any mare a weiner."

All of the above was delivered as calmly as Discord could manage to a very angry unicorn stallion who was glaring at him and wielding a very, very large sledgehammer in his teeth. Shining Armor was livid, it was clear enough, and if Discord didn't get him to calm down and see things rationally (oh, the irony simply burned) there was one very fossilized draconequus looking at a dismal future in a gravel bed.

"Aaa yooo egpech me oo 'eweev---" Shining Armor said. He spat the handle of the sledgehammer out and tried again. "And you expect me to believe a word you say?" He challenged as the head of the sledgehammer thumped to the ground. "You ruined our honeymoon, You lying, deceiving---"

"---Petrified draconequus?" Discord interrupted with a psychic snort. "Think, unicorn; use that noggin of yours for something besides a base for your horn. If I was really powerful enough to be responsible for the ruination going on around us, do you think I'd be sitting here, still trapped in stone?"

Shining Armor paused. Discord had a point. An annoying point, as Shining Armor had been hoping to take the frustration of the past few days out on the draconequus. His honeymoon had NOT been going well. Any time he and Cadence had tried to be... intimate... or even just cuddle and be romantic.... something absolutely horrific had happened.  His new bride turning into a Changeling in mid-kiss (and seeing her get brained with a flower pot by his own sister) had just been the first of it. They'd been forced to witness, or even participate in, dozens of absolutely appalling things...only to have normalcy return at the next moment.

This last bout, oh that had just been too much.

"And.... what was that, ruined your honeymoon? Ah yes, you must be the couple who got married on the grounds last week!" Discord said, sounding pleased. "Well, congratulations! It was some party. Well, what I could see of it." the statue grumped. "You'd think someone would at least turn me round once in a while so I could get a different view....."

Shining Armor scowled. "You.... like weddings?"

"Are you joking? Do you know of any ceremony anywhere in the world with a greater aptitude for drawing chaos to itself? Who do you think invented wedding planners? Plus there's cake. I like cake."

"You... invented... wedding planners?" Shining Armor boggled. But he began mentally replaying the mayhem and anarchy that had overtaken his life in the weeks leading up to the ceremony, it actually started to make sense....

"Wedding rehearsals were my idea," Discord said smugly. "Twice the chaos for half the price."

Shining Armor slumped to the ground.

"Been a rough few days, has it?" Discord sympathized. "I'm guessing the, ah, connubial bliss has been repeatedly postponed due to circumstances."

"Who told you that?" Shining Armor demanded, defensive.

"Wild guess," Discord said drily. "that and you look pent up fit to burst."  Shining armor growled something and began pacing back and forth. "Well it was hardly a difficult guess," Discord continued. "Reality is coming apart at the seams out there." He referred to the shifting dystopia-scape lying just outside the radiant dome Shining Armor had erected over the hedge maze. "And some of the things I've seen.... well, whoever is doing this has a distinct affinity for soiling anything pure, good, loving or intimate."

"So, just out of boredom--- what event exactly sent you raging into my labyrinth with a sledgehammer in your teeth?"

Shining Armor's head whipped around. He looked at the draconequus, frowning in confusion. "But you said you knew---"

"Wait, what? Oh, the weiner thing.... ahem. When you came out here I assumed you were here because you'd heard what happened to Princess Celestia. Funny thing, she assumed it was my fault as well--- oh wait. ..... Oh please do not tell me that the blushing bride...."

Shining Armor nodded glumly. "It looked like things had calmed down. Had the wine out, the candles, silk bedsheets, everything--- then she comes trotting out of the bathroom talking about how she was going to 'make me an alicorn'---"

"Sounds dirty," the draconequus said. "that's promising...."

Shining Armor glared, but continued. "...And we look down, and she has this... enormous..." he choked. "She screamed. I screamed...." he paused. "It... disappeared a couple of minutes later, but the damage was done....

"What the HELL is up with the person doing this and putting a beef log on mares?" Discord demanded of noone in particular.

"We double-teleported to Princess Celestia. She and Cadence are hiding in the library right now---" the stalwart stallion's lower lip quivered. "Poor Cadence is crying her eyes out and won't stop.... I had to do something...."

Something that sounded suspiciously like "aawwww" came from the draconequus.

"And this after the Changelings invaded during the wedding--"

"So that's what that was," Discord said. "I was going to mention to Celestia that the gardens seemed to have a rather serious bug problem.... I understand the elements of Harmony saved the day..."

For the first time in ages, Shining Armor smiled. "Actually, that was us."

"Oh?"

" I was helpless. Drained by Queen Chrysalis' magic. But Cadence boosted my shield spell--"

"Ahh, with the power of love," Discord said. "That's right. I should have recognized it. Too many pink and peach overtones to be the usual Element o' Harmony Beam Spam. That's some powerful love your little lady has for you.."

"Yeah, she---" Shining Armor started to say more then mentally shook himself. "Oh, don't think I'll fall for THAT, Discord. Trying to pretend to be sympathetic...."

"Believe it or not I AM sympathetic, my pointy-headed paladin. What makes you think that a being of chaos has no appreciation for love? What do you think love is but sweet, sweet Chaos with a delicious candy coating?" Discord paused. "Not all chaos is bad, you know. You ponies could at least learn to appreciate that. New marriages, new families, new lives, new loves, new foals, all heralds of chaos, of lives thrown completely out of order, and ponies welcome them. Joyfully, even. You ponies with your regimented weather and seasons and sunrises, you've forgotten that sometimes the best things in life aren't planned, and sometimes joy comes with the greatest of changes."

"You're awfully philosophical," Shining Armor noted.

"I'm a statue. When you're not going anywhere, your hobbies are limited to lots of deep thinking and gathering moss. Not necessarily in that order."

"As entertaining as this conversation is, it's not getting me anywhere." Shining Armor got to his feet. "My nation, my family, my friends, my marriage is under attack by something unspeakable.. they hurt us. They hurt Cadence. I have to do something."

"Never fear, my lad," Discord said. "Your sister and her compatriots are already underway to set things aright. And..... ah yes, for once they are NOT being led by Twilight. I can tell by the 'taste'....A fortunate thing, as Twilight's not quite up to the task."

"Twilight can handle herself," Shining Armor said.

"Yes, but she can't handle THIS," Discord said. "This is something that even sends draconequi into hiding. No, for this you need someone who's been broken by the fourth wall."

Shining Armor paused. "Taste?"

"Closest metaphor," Discord said. "Sort of like burnt cotton candy... with a hint of ginger. And they should be coming by this way..... riiiiiight about--"

There was a rumbling noise. Out of nowhere, a herd of a half dozen ponies, led by one Pinkamena, came thundering down the hedge-lined path. They knocked down the hapless captain of the guard and trampled right over him. "Keep running!" the one in lead yelled. They galloped on, disappearing around a bend in the maze, leaving a battered, behoofprinted Shining Armor lying in the dirt. "There it goes----The four-thirty Deus Ex Machina, right on schedule," Discord said.

Shining Armor sat up shakily. He had been wearing his armor for the confrontation with Discord, so the mayhem inflicted on him had been more comical than injurious. Still, he was feeling pretty battered, and not just by dainty feminine hooves. He pointed a horrified hoof after the disappearing dustcloud. "What in Celestia's name was THAT??"

"Your sister and her friends," Discord said drily.

"But-- I saw---- zombie bones--- and blood and--- there were butcher knives with--a cloak made of pony skins--clown shoes-- and the ball gags? what--- "

"They're getting close. The enemy is basically throwing everything he has at them, a clearance sale on all his sick, fetid little issues. Like a party cannon barrage with rotting garbage."

"and did some of them have...."

"Whoever this is, he's got a real obsession with Futa," Discord said in disgust. "Problems with his winky, I'd hazard a guess."

"And that SMELL..."

"Shallow breaths. It helps."  For lack of any other option, Shining Armor took his advice. "Now, kiddies, I'd recommend retreating back to the Princess's library and hunkering down till this is over. Quite frankly there's nothing else you can do, and by the time there is it will probably be all over." Shining Armor hated to admit it, but the chaos entity was probably right. You couldn't stab this sort of problem in the face with a sword or even blast it with a magic shield. And if it had Discord, of all creatures, hiding in his own skin.... He would be of more use protecting Celestia. And Cadence.

Besides. He was already going to have trouble sleeping; he really didn't want to catch up and see his baby sister looking like--- that. He turned to gallop back to the castle and the (probable) safety. As he was about to leave he paused. "By the way.... don't they clean the statues regularly?"

"They do."

"Then what's all that white stuff on your face...?"

"Pro tip: yelling "BOOGA BOOGA" at pigeons when they're perched on you?...Bad idea."