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Sombra The Highly Unmotivated

by naturalbornderpy

Chapter 2: Apologies... Later

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I moved my character down the dimly lit hall and was immediately shot in the head. After respawning, I moved him in the opposite direction and was knifed in the back seconds later. After deliberating for a time, I stood in place and wondered how many grenades I had left. During my musings, I was struck by an RPG and my character flipped into the air, crashing back down in a pile of burning flesh.

While I sighed, Sombra laughed.

He turned to me on the couch, giggling childishly. “It’s funny because you’re on fire. And because I was the one that set you on fire. Now I’m imagining you on fire and it’s even funnier than before.” He chuckled and looked at the screen again, his controller floating in a reddish aura. “Why do you buy games you’re so terrible at, Steve? Do you enjoy the art of being defeated with minimal effort?”

I ignored my pony chum’s taunts and concentrated on the game again. On the ground I found a gun I was rather good with and prepared for an assault. Too bad I hadn’t noticed the landmine Sombra had laid for me, leveling my character as the pony guffawed all over again, spraying my coffee table with bits of spit.

I left the couch and shut off the system, once again realizing I was spending my free weekend playing videogames with a pony—a fact I generally held to myself while gossiping at work.

I pointed a finger at Sombra. “Well, not all of us can spend twelve hours a day playing the same game. Some of us need to work for a living. You know, to buy things and keep a roof over our heads.”

Sombra cocked a brow. “Are you saying I never worked during my time as King?”

I nodded. “Yes, actually. That’s exactly what I’m saying. You had slaves, remember? Thousands of them! They did the work and you sat on your ass. I don’t see much of a difference between then and now.”

“Don’t you call your own boss a slave-driver from time to time?”

I thought for a moment. “I do. But he doesn’t kill people for lack of results.”

Sombra rolled his eyes. “He’s going easy on you, then. You humans. So soft and so malleable.” He set his controller down and levitated a popcorn kernel to his mouth from the bowl. He chewed noisily. “What now, human Steve? Another game?”

I strolled to my cabinet of DVDs, flipping out the one I was looking for. “No more games, Sombra. At least until I buy a new one you haven’t had a chance to play. I’ll show you a movie of mine—one of my favorites. It’s not like that recycled garbage you’d find in the theaters these days, so if you actually do leave my house one day, at least you’ll have seen a few good films from the human world.”

I put the disc in and sat back on the couch. I cracked open a pop and watched Sombra levitate another kernel to his mouth.

I told him, “Pass me one.”

Sombra glanced at me. “All right. Open your mouth.”

I did and the kernel flew into my eye, a small trail of butter coursing down my cheek.

Sombra ate another one. “It seems I have missed. Let’s try again.”

I shook my head. “No thanks. I’ll stick with hands.”

I took the bowl away from him and watched the opening titles of the film, trying my best to ignore the loud munching occurring inches away. At least he seemed to be paying attention.

Then I thought of something from the night before.

I tried to say casually, “You know, you could always apologize.”

“For what?”

“I mean, when you get back to your own world, apologize for the slavery and murder and all around dickish things you’ve done. I’m sure given how peaceful you’ve made the place and other ponies sound, they wouldn’t try and blow you up again if you actually meant it.”

Sombra frowned, halting an incoming kernel. “I would never apologize to those stupid mares. They took my kingdom and my slaves and then tossed me here. It is them that should apologize. I was just doing my job. Far better than they ever could.”

I kept silent for a moment. “You could always apologize to me, then.”

He waved a hoof. “Oh, Steve, what have I ever done to you, beside grace your ramshackle home with my glorious presence?”

“For starters, you ate my cat during your first week here.”

He turned to me, confused. “That was a mistake? But it was delicious!”

I shut my eyes. “Mittens wasn’t supposed to be delicious.”

He grinned. “Could you buy another Mittens? Maybe a bigger one this time?”

I stuck my finger into his shoulder. “I loved that cat, Sombra.”

He licked his lips. “So did I! And we got along great. Just ask my stomach what it thought of Mittens.”

Angered by the thought of my deceased cat, I roughly flicked one of his ears.

He brought a hoof to his head. “Ow! Stop that, Steve! My ears are far more important and delicate than yours.”

“After you killed my cat, you know how long I stood over your sleeping body with a pillow in my hands, wondering if I had the nerve?”

Sombra watched the TV again. “Why? If I’d needed extra pillows, I would’ve just taken them.”

I bit the tip of my tongue and turned away from him, again regretting my lack of willpower evicting him from my home. Why did ponies need to be cute? Especially homicidal, cat-eating, evil ex-tyrants? Next time I try shoving him back through the toaster, I’ll try it with a bag over his head.

On the TV, the film titles ended and the main character entered the screen, strolling down a back alley as a strong wind ruffled his coat. A narration followed his actions.

Sombra asked, “Any ponies in this story?”

I shook my head. “Not in this one, no.”

He grumbled, “There hasn’t been a single pony in any of your story discs. I’m starting to believe you humans have something against our kind.”

“Ponies don’t talk in this world. And I think they’d look a little weird next to a whole cast of other humans. I mean, think of it like this: imagine a single human entering your pony world and trying to interact with everyone for some silly reason. Wouldn’t that sound ridiculous?”

We looked at each other and laughed out loud. If I’d have kept a tally of all the nice moments between us, I think we’d be up to number four. I couldn’t wait until next month’s special moment.

On the TV, the main character stopped his narration and entered a small café to sit at the back. A waitress came and handed him a note.

Sombra turned to me, “Why’d she do that?”

“It’s a secret. You’re not supposed to know until later.”

“Was that character important?”

“No. She was just a waitress. That’s the only thing she does in this film.”

“Oh.” He nodded. “What did those numbers on the note mean?”

I sighed. “I told you. It’s a secret. One you won’t understand until later.”

He pointed a hoof at the screen. “So who’s that human?”

“That’s the main character.”

“Why’d he go to that place?”

“To get the note.”

“Why’d he get the note?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Why is it a secret?”

“You’ll figure that out later.”

“But I want to know now. Tell me now.”

“That would ruin the surprise.”

“I don’t like surprises. Tell me now.”

I abruptly left the couch and turned off the TV. In all good consciousness, I wasn’t about to let my pet pony wreck one of my favorite films for me by talking all the way through it.

I said more to myself, “And that’s the end of that film.”

Sombra ate another hovering kernel. “That was it? Seemed short. And I still don’t understand what that note was supposed to mean.”

Fearing my brains were about to pour out from my ears, I walked to my bedroom down the hall and locked the door. Sixty seconds later I heard the TV flip back on and the sounds of shooting soon after. That was fine. At least he didn’t talk while he played.

***

“Why don’t you ever bring that woman over anymore?”

I looked up from my simple spaghetti dinner at the table and pursed my lips. Sombra sat in his usual spot on the couch, his muzzle coated with sauce and bits of noodles. By that point in time, I’d stopped trying to teach him the noble art of napkin usage.

I groaned. “Well, for starters, she never really believed you were a dog that got mangled up in the wheels of a truck.”

He slurped another noodle. “That’s because I’m a pony.”

“I can’t really tell people that, Sombra. PETA would be breaking down my door pretty fast. And not many girls are all that attracted to guys keeping ponies in their condos.”

“Why?”

I didn’t know how to explain that, exactly. “It’s a turnoff, as hard as that is to believe.”

He grinned at me, tomato sauce giving his fangs a red tint. “Afraid I’d steal her from you, Steve?”

“No. Afraid you’d try and talk to her.” I pointed a fork at him. “I remember on our second date you wouldn’t leave us alone. You sat on the floor right next to the couch and every few moments I had a mini heart attack because you’d start opening your mouth, preparing to speak.”

“I wanted to tell her she was sitting in my spot.”

“You don’t have authority over my couch, Sombra.”

He grinned again. “You human slaves are so naive, it’s almost cute.”

I used my napkin and leaned back in my chair. “You know what would have happened if you started talking to her?”

“I would have finally had my first intellectual conversation in months?”

I faked a laugh. “No. She would’ve thought I drugged her and she would’ve called the cops. Then I’d be in jail and you’d be up for sale—purchased by some Nigerian prince that wanted to add you to their collection of oddities, right next to their solid gold Ferrari.”

Sombra scoffed at the notion. “They could never afford the likes of me.”

I took a pull from my beer. “I know I can’t. If I return you to Equestria, could I ask for a refund?”

Now Sombra faked a laugh. “Oh, funny human with the funny human jokes! Hehehe hohoho.” He wiped his messy muzzle with a leg. “You’d be miserable without me.”

I brought my empty plate to the kitchen and put it in the sink. “You’re a dirty, rotten liar, Sombra. I just wanted you to know that. And the moment I can get you out of my hair will be the single greatest moment in my otherwise bland existence. I can’t wait to see your highfalutin ass off my couch and out of my life.”

Knock-knock-knock.

Sombra and I looked at the door and then to the set of shut curtains next to it.

He said to me, “Well, obviously it’s not for me. But what other poor soul would want to spend time with you, Steve?”

I ignored the jab and walked to the window next to the door. “I’m sure it’s just some door to door salesmen or something. Just stay on the couch and out of view. And keep your trap shut for once.”

Sombra said, “It’ll be a hard task, but I’ll try.”

I delicately pulled back the curtain and angled my head to look outside. Finding no one in front of the door, I pulled the curtain back another inch and looked at my doormat. The very sight caused me to cough into my arm.

I shut the curtain and turned to Sombra. “There’s… someone at the door.”

Sombra nodded. “Very good, human. You are making progress. Next I will teach you the subtle art of opening doors. It might seem difficult, but I’m sure—”

I shook my head vigorously, unsure of what to make of our visitor outside. “Okay. Maybe the term ‘someone’ wasn’t correct. Let’s try ‘some pony.’ As in, there’s ‘some pony’ outside the door.”

Sombra cocked his head to the side. “Oh, really, Steve? Some ‘pony’ just knocked on your door? You’re really going to need to think of something better to get me to leave.” He chuckled. “Let me guess: it’s purple and it even has a horn. Am I correct?”

I nodded. “And wings, too. She must be some special edition pony or something. She’s short and… oddly adorable.”

Sombra rolled his eyes. “Well, now I know you’re lying. The only purple pony I remember was the one that helped destroy me months ago. Last time I saw her she didn’t have wings and was uglier than mud.” He left the couch to stand on the floor. “Still, let’s continue onward with your attempt at humor. Is there a blue elephant behind her? Is she here to deliver next Friday’s pizza?”

When Sombra noticed my silence and worried expression, his face dropped and he hurried to the window. Standing awkwardly on a chair, he pulled a section of curtain back, banging his horn against the glass to get a look. Then he fell off the chair.

Sprawled out along the floor, he yelled, “They’ve found me!

I stood over the horrorstruck pony. “Who’s found you?”

“Them! Those stupid mares that blew me up using the power of love! And they’re here to do it again, Steve! I know it!”

I knelt down beside him. “You keep shouting like that, and I have no doubt they’ll find you in a hurry.”

He sucked in air and put two hooves to his mouth.

It was oddly pleasant watching the former jerk ass King in such a worried state.

I told him, “So what you’re saying, Sombra, is that these little ponies have somehow found a way into the human world, strictly on a mission to come get you?”

He nodded, breathing heavy. “Yes, Steve. I’m sure of it. They’ll take me back to Equestria and who knows what evils they’ll do to me. Those mares… they may look cute and adorable, but the moment you enslave an entire race, they’ll blast you with everything they’ve got.”

“I’ll make sure to remember that.” I thought for a moment. “Now let me get this straight. If I open that door right now and tell her you’re in here, you’d be gone from my life forever? Could I possibly be hearing that correctly?”

Sombra gulped dryly. “Umm… more or less, yes.”

I snapped my fingers. “Then let me go answer the door!”

I took a step towards the entrance and felt a pair of legs wrap around my ankle. I looked down and smiled at the desperately clinging pony.

He stared at me with pity. “Now, Steve, we can talk about this.”

I took another step, dragging him along the hardwood. “Nah. I’m good. You had your chance to be a civilized houseguest. Several, in fact. But I think this bizarre experiment has run its course.”

He squeezed my leg tighter. “Please, Steve! I know there is good in your heart and you know this is wrong. They’re going to blow me up again, I just know it!”

I looked at him again. “I highly doubt a tiny pony like that could blow up anything—especially something as second-grade evil as you.”

I took another step and almost tripped as Sombra wrapped his other two legs around my free one. I looked down again and found him trying his innocent face on me. Sadly, he had gotten really good at it.

He said softly, “But, Steve, I’m your friend. I’m your pal. I’m your bro.” He thought for a moment. “I’m your Som-bro, Steve.”

I sighed. “How long you been holding onto that for?”

He glared at me. “For just this type of occasion.”

I stopped my sluggish march towards the door. “I wasn’t really going to hand you over, Sombra. I just wanted to see you squirm, given how evil you claim to be.”

Sombra gravely looked from me to his legs held tight around mine. Finding the sight suddenly disgusting, he rolled away and got back to his hooves. He shook back and forth like a dog.

He shot back, “That was mean, Steve. This is my life on the line, if you hadn’t noticed. These are dangerous ponies we’re dealing with. Don’t let their gaudy color scheme make you think differently.” He looked around the room. “All right, here’s what we do. You lure her in here with the promise of an education program on the image machine, and when she is good and complacent, I’ll sneak behind the couch and bash her skull in with your hammer. Tomorrow, we’ll throw her corpse in the outside garbage bins.”

I was very tempted to flick his ear again.

I pointed a finger at him. “That is not what’s going to happen. According to my rules, you kill someone, you go to hell. You kill a dog or an animal, you go to an even worse hell.” I pointed at the door. “You kill an adorable, talking purple pony in cold blood? I’m pretty sure they hand you the keys to the underworld immediately thereafter.”

Sombra frowned at me. “Would it help if I said please?”

“No.”

Sombra exhaled angrily. “Then what’s your idea?”

“I’ll tell her to leave. I’ll tell her you’re not here.”

“I’m sure if they’ve knocked on your door, Steve, they know for a fact I’m in here.”

I raised a hand. “And what if they’re searching the whole area?”

Sombra nervously tapped his hooves against the floor. After a moment, he looked up to me. “All right. Try it and see what happens. Perhaps her overall good-natured-ness will prove too much and she won’t be able to barge in without permission.” He walked over to me and placed a hoof on my on leg. “I’m trusting you, Steve. Don’t believe her lies. They’re the evil ones. Not me.”

Tempted as I was to bring up my laundry list of facts proving the contrary, I went to the door while Sombra hid around the corner. I had to remind him that I could still see his horn.

I half closed my eyes and pretended to rub at them. Then I opened up.

A three-foot tall purple pony with wings and a horn smiled brightly as I opened the door. Her mane and tail had a trio of colors and some bizarre tattoo had been stamped on both sides of her butt. Equestria must have been one strange world indeed, I thought.

She greeted me happily, “Hello there! My name is Twilight Sparkle.”

I rubbed at my eyes. “Hello. I’m Steve. What can I do you for?”

Her infectious grin never left her face. “Well, I was just in the neighborhood and since I was close by, I was perchance wondering if you’re harboring an ex-King stallion that goes by the name of Sombra?”

I brought a finger to my cheek. “Can’t say that I’ve heard of such a guy. What’s he look like?”

She angled her head to look around me. “Dark, really. Dark mane. Dark coat. Red horn. Odd hair. Likes crystals and slaves.”

I nodded along to her little list, her high-pitched voice only adding to her overall adorableness. Could these really have been the ones that tore Sombra apart after he was defeated? It all seemed so unbelievable.

I told her, “I think I would’ve remembered someone like that. So, sorry, but can’t say that I have. I live alone. Sometimes I have a girl over.”

I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to tell her such things.

Twilight nodded pleasantly. “That’s all right. Just thought I’d ask.”

I hesitated. “You asking everyone around here that question?”

She answered, “Nope. Just you.”

I spared a quick glance from side to side, curious if any neighbors on my condo block were seeing any of this. Close to nine at night, most had their curtains drawn and the parking lot was vacant.

I rubbed the back of my head. “Well, I see you later, then.”

She nodded. “I’m sure you will, Steve.”

I attempted to close the door, but she stopped it with a hoof. I looked down at her again.

She said, “Sorry to trouble you, Steve, but I’m only surprised with how well you’re taking all this.”

All at once, I was nervous. “What wouldn’t I take well?”

“The fact that you’re talking to a pony. Almost as if you’d done so before, and that my sight isn’t all that new or frightening to you.”

I silently died a little inside. Clearly that was something I should have thought about before talking with her.

I rubbed at my eyes again. “Oh, wait? You’re a pony? Get out of here! That’s crazy! That’s… insane! And you’re purple and stuff! What an oddity!”

She looked at me curiously.

I tried to think of something else. “I’m also super high right now. Before opening the door, I dropped like three hits of acid. I’m seeing like… six ponies right now. One of them is pink and somehow holding balloons. I’m a total mess.”

She furrowed her brows. “You mean Pinkie Pie?”

This wasn’t going as well as could be.

I grabbed the edge of the door. “I better go sleep this off, hallucinogenic pony. Maybe get myself to rehab in the morning. Okay. Goodbye. Sleep tight.”

I shut the door and went to the curtains, prying open a corner.

Twilight still stood outside, lifting a leg to knock again. Eventually she left, and I collapsed back to the couch, startled and unsure.

Sombra walked back in. “What happened? Do they know I’m here?”

I had trouble meeting his eyes. I told him delicately, “They might.”

Next Chapter: Alicorns... Later Estimated time remaining: 5 Hours, 5 Minutes
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