As Sombra continued to bounce around the ceiling, Discord snapped a barstool underneath me and I was forced to sit. With his pinkie raised, Discord took a careful sip of his espresso, the foam on top leaving a pencil-thin mustache that he somehow twisted at both ends, giving his already horrible appearance an added punch. He nodded to my cup and I reluctantly drank. To my puzzlement, it was actually the best coffee-related beverage I’d ever had.

I set it back down. “If you want to talk, then let’s talk. Can you at least explain to me what’s going on around here? Perhaps in a less-cryptic way than I’ve been hearing so far?”

Discord chuckled. “I can try, sure, but no guarantees. Take what I say as truth, half-truth, or complete rubbish. That’s all up to you. But first, a question.” He leaned towards me to rest his head on a hand. “You read an incantation to get here, did you not?”

I stared at the bottom of my empty cup. I guess I’d liked it. “Yeah, that’s right.”

Discord snapped his claws and my cup refilled itself. “And I’ve just so politely informed you that this world is not, in fact, the real Equestria. So, Steve, what I’m wondering is just how you got here to begin with? Did you maybe… skip over a few words before you teleported between worlds?”

The fresh espresso sloshed around my gut. While on Earth, I’d received the note asking for help and then immediately opened the portal over my toaster. I’d read the words as best as I could; had I still managed to muck up a few of them? Somehow I’d become that guy that boards the wrong airplane, only to realize it once two-thousand feet in the air.

“So this… isn’t Equestria?” I eventually asked.

Discord leaned back in his own barstool, his cup perfectly balanced on the tip of a claw. “This is Equestria, yes, but it’s also not Equestria.”

I ran a hand over my face. “No. Please, no. Not more of this garbage-speak.”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re no fun, you know that? Fine.” He pointed at the floating and cursing Sombra-balloon hovering near the corner of the room. “When Sombra was defeated, he did not—as Twilight said—create a hole between the fabric of worlds. What he actually did, was create an entirely new Equestria—a perfect mirror image down to the last detail.”

I hesitated before asking, “So this is that Equestria, then. This is the mirror image one.”

He grinned. “Yes. Everything from the original Equestria was copy-slash-pasted and started anew right from when Sombra’s screaming face was engulfed by a blast of white light. And from there, the ponies from the original Equestria went off to have swell ol’ times and learn valuable life lessons complete with a song or two.” He paused. “And just between you and me, the original Twilight is actually a very nice mare, unlike the more troubled version stuck here.”

The idea was already too terrible to comprehend, but I had to ask. “So that means there’s a duplicate of Twilight and all her friends in an entirely different Equestria. Does that mean there’s another version of you back there, too?”

The foam-mustached creature smirked. “Oh, there’s only ever been one Discord, Steve. And he’s seated right in front of you now… and he’s also in the original Equestria, watching Fluttershy through the window as she feeds her little Angel—simultaneously contemplating which color lead-based paint to drop on Rainbow Dash’s head come the morning sun. It’s really a tricky question, considering her mane has so many colors already. I’m leaning towards dull gray. What say you?”

I thanked my lucky stars for the two cups of espresso allowing my brain to fire on all cylinders. As a man who’d barely understood the symbolism behind 2001: A Space Odyssey, I felt I was hardly keeping up with the facts with the complete lack of caffeine in my system.

He continued, “I knew the moment an entirely new Equestria was born. I felt it—suddenly a new me appeared to explore and to enjoy a near identical world. And oh, have I been enjoying this Equestria more than the others. All thanks to K. Sombra blowing up into a billion little pieces.” He winked. “He must be one powerful unicorn to cause such an effect, or he really must have gone out with a bang.”

Sombra, still stuck in the pinkish balloon, dogpaddled in the air until he came face to face with Discord. I was sure the profanities spewing from Sombra’s lips could’ve stripped wallpaper off the walls, yet all I heard was the tiny squeaks as his hooves clipped the sides of the balloon.

Discord absently flicked him back to the ceiling.

I hooked a thumb to the weightless party favor. “We can’t hear him. Can he hear us?”

Discord shook his head. “No. There’re a few things I wouldn’t want him overhearing. Might get a little overexcited and take things the wrong way.”

I nodded a single time. “All right.”

He brought another toaster down from the display and wiped at it with a dirty rag. “The only problem with this Equestria—besides the fact that it was never meant to exist—is that its barrier between worlds is much too thin. As I’m sure Twilight told you, things are coming here that aren’t supposed to be here at all. Humans, monsters… Steves.”

“I heard. Twilight said things might end at any time.”

“And she’s right!” he exclaimed, before a dreamy expression overtook his odd features. “Twilight is usually right about a lot of things. The Twilight from the original Equestria is quite different from the one that lives here. Hardship, it seems, has the ability to change even the most stubborn of mares. If only I could tell the original Twilight what her other self’s been up to…”

His lips curled into a grin at whatever he was thinking about.

I returned to my espresso and pretended not to notice.

Slowly, Discord came back to the present. “She’s lost a lot, the Twilight you’ve met. Her brother, his wife and most of the Crystal Empire are gone. Something no one saw coming erupted from the snow and in one large blast, took out everything surrounding it. By doing so, it destroyed itself and left any form of revenge obsolete.” He paused for a moment. “Twilight… my Twilight, hasn’t been the same since.”

I slowly set my cup down, my own worries and fears forgotten at the moment. I hadn’t known Twilight’s brother or his wife or even their existence at all, but if what Discord said was true, it was still family she’d lost, and in the most terrible of ways.

Discord counted on a hand. “Celestia was next—taking on an adversary with her sister while Twilight and the others battled something even larger. If those two creatures had attacked on different days, I’m sure the outcome would’ve been different, but that’s fate, is it not?”

He added another finger.

“Cloudsdale was evacuated before too much damage could take place, and it was the same for Canterlot, although there are still a few stragglers that survive in the castle ruins, sleeping in rubble.”

He lifted his hand to the window, the first rays of sun glimpsing over the horizon. A slight shimmer curved around the barely visible dome that sealed off the town.

Discord closed his hand into a fist. “When things only got worse, Twilight came to me to help. I created the barrier that protects what’s left of Ponyville, as well as all the displaced residents that now call it home. While those seven mares went to Earth to gift wrap Sombra and lug him back, I was sworn to protect all those here.” He lowered his stare. “And I did. I’m not saying I didn’t have any fun while doing so—like how I kept an eye on your little friend while Twilight and the rest continued construction—but I did as I was told. By that point in time, Twilight trusted me more than the Twilight on the real Equestria ever had.”

Placing both arms behind his head, he leaned back in his seat. “Don’t you understand how amazing this all is, Steve? To enjoy the near bliss of one ordinary Equestria, all the while getting to take part in the destruction of another? To someone like me, I’m practically tickled pink by it.”

He snapped his fingers and went a dozen shades of pink. When I didn’t respond, he snapped himself back.

“Twilight knows as well as I this isn’t the real Equestria. Or, well, not the one that’ll last forever, anyway. Since Sombra’s defeat, it’s taken a different path—one darker than most. One that does not end well.”

I held out both hands. “So what does she plan on doing, then? Using Sombra somehow to fix the barrier? I still don’t understand how that’s supposed to work.”

Discord flashed his yellow stained teeth. “Twilight has only been telling you what you need to know, Steve; half-truths and whole lies. Indeed, she does plan on using Sombra to save this Equestria, but not by fixing it. No. Something else entirely.” He slotted his fingers together. “Twilight wants to merge this Equestria with the original; the one that stands perfectly protected from all other universes. She believes that since it was Sombra’s defeat and banishment to Earth that created this unstable world to begin with, a ritual close to the same should be able to reunite those worlds again—in turn, reversing all the harm that’s happened already.”

With two fingers to my temple, I asked, “What do you mean, by 'ritual’?”

Discord oozed out giggles like sludge from a blocked pipe. “How ‘bout an example?” He reached underneath the counter and returned with a miniature Sombra figure, immaculate in every way. I don’t think I’d ever seen something so detailed in all my life. He held it out to me. “Can you, for a second, imagine this figure to be your little friend?”

“I think I’ll manage.” I looked away for a second to see where Sombra had floated off to, only to glimpse the edge of his balloon prison swaying around the door to the back room behind the display. I thought it best he not witness what I believed was coming next.

“Good.” He set the mini Sombra on the counter and lowered his head until it was level with it. He continued in a studious tone, “Sombra was pulled apart and tossed all around because of the Crystal Heart and the power of love, as cheesy as that sounds. Because of this, he flew out of your toaster and found the second love of his life: bad food and even worse television.”

I raised a finger to argue, but then thought better of it. It wasn’t wise to piss off a sociopath.

Discord waved a hand in front of the figure. “All Twilight and her friends wish to do is the exact same as before. Or would it be the exact opposite of that? I can’t remember it all; she likes to talk in her sleep, but it’s mostly gibberish anyways.” His toxic eyes looked up to me. “Where was I? Oh, yes. This is Sombra.”

With that said, Discord curled his eagle’s claw into a fist and slammed it down on the small figure, bits of clay and modeling material shooting across the counter and onto the carpet. The few legs and bits of face that remained, Discord smashed again until all that was left was mounds of black and gray dust. Each time Discord brought his hand back down, he made an explosion-like sound effect.

“Booooom! Blammo! Poooowwhhhh! Bssshhhhh! Ow, my face!”

I let him continue for close to a minute before I loudly cleared my throat.

With dust-stained knuckles, he looked at me. Then he blushed. “Oops. Seems I lost track of myself for a moment.” He waved some of the Sombra figure off his hand. “This is disgusting. Let me clean this up.” Discord snapped a swirly straw out of thin air and went to work snorting the debris off the counter and into his nose. I had to turn away to keep from gagging. Once all the Sombra bits were removed, he snapped the straw away and ran a finger under his nostrils. “How impolite of me. Did you want a hit of that?”

I ignored the question and went on with something much simpler in mind—something Sombra had worried about right before all this gloom and doom had begun. It was just too ridiculous to be true.

“So they want to blow him up all over again,” I said bluntly. “Twilight and all the others are planning on taking Sombra and blowing him up just like they did the last time.” I shook my head. “You know what Sombra feared most about coming back to Equestria? Blowing up! And now that’s exactly what they plan on doing to him? Twilight told me before that that was a mistake to begin with, so now that’s exactly what they’re trying to do? I thought she’d have at least a little more compassion about killing someone twice over.”

Discord pinched the bridge of his nose. “You really are a very dumb human, Steve. And I’ve met like… four of them—including one who’d request a high-five every thirty seconds.” He brought his hands back to the counter and looked at me sternly. “This Equestria has been torn asunder by monsters not even I’d dare imagine. Many ponies have lost those close to them. Twilight has lost many; her brother, her sister in law, her mentor. How would you react knowing you could have them back? Would you truly care about the death of one lone pony? One pony King that didn’t even care about his own despicable deeds?”

I blinked rapidly, still trying to process this sudden influx of information. “But the real Twilight is still around, right? There’s a happy, cheery Twilight in the original Equestria, right?”

Discord nodded solemnly. “Yes, and that one’s been living a normal life ever since Sombra’s defeat. And the Twilight trapped here would like nothing more than to return to that life.”

“How?”

“By merging those two worlds, Steve; those two timelines. The normal world with the end of worlds. By undoing what was done, Twilight will become Twilight once more and all of this Equestria will cease to exist.”

“So there won’t be two Twilights hanging around in one Equestria?”

Discord waved a finger. “There shouldn’t be, if all goes to plan. All the duplicates here should merge with their original selves, hopefully forgetting all the horrors they’ve seen here. Maybe a nightmare or two from time to time.”

I tried to boil it down. “So Sombra dies again and Equestria returns to its original state; all the dead are back and everything returns to normal. Is that what Twilight wants to do?”

Discord’s grin touched his lips again. “More or less.”

“Then why are you telling me this? I’m Sombra’s friend and so far all I’ve done is try to protect him. Now you’re saying everyone around here wants to blow him up again. What do you get out of all this?”

“Everything,” he moaned. “Every-Celestia-damn-thing is what I get. Chaos and misery. Hope and joy. That’s why I sent you that note to begin with. The vaguest of vague: help me! I knew you’d come, and I just knew you’d throw a wrench into the works.” Discord held a hand to his mouth as if sharing a secret. “How much fun would it have been, really, if Twilight’s plan went off without a hitch? There has to be some instability, Steve! Come on!”

Behind him, Sombra again tried to dogpaddle his way back into the room. Once Discord took notice, he grabbed a meter stick from behind him and batted him away. From inside the reddish balloon, Sombra fumed and screamed to no avail. A moment later he was gone again, somewhere in the back of the shop.

“But there’s always more than one way for all this to come to an end,” he said. “I could let fate decide where the pieces may fall. Or I could intervene, guaranteeing Twilight’s plan works perfectly. Or I could even assist you and your pet and help you out of this place for good.”

By our two conversations thus far, I wasn’t about to give Discord the smallest of strings to try and tug me with. He wasn’t the type that helped. He was the type that told you he was helping as he removed the knife from your back, only to then pour poison into the wound.

I told him, “I can’t see you doing…”

The words dropped from my mouth as Discord set down another toaster between us. It was silver and black with four slots and even a tiny dent on its side. When I’d purchased my toaster back on Earth, I’d dropped it while getting it out of the box. This toaster that sat before me looked exactly the same in every way.

And just like that, Discord found a string to tug me with.

“That’s—” I began.

“Not your toaster,” Discord interrupted. “But it’s rather close, isn’t it? Same make and model and ding and dang. And it’s the only one around.” He sniffed the top of it. “What’s that smell? Burnt English muffin?” He put both hands to its sides and lifted it up to investigate. “If I’m not mistaken, this little baby right here should send you home. Wasn’t that the plan all along, Steve?”

I unknowingly began reaching out for it. “Can I… can I have that, please?”

Discord smiled thinly. “I don’t know. Can you?”

My fingers were mere centimeters from it—the one device in all of twisted Equestria that could send me home before the foretold apocalypse. “May I have that, please?”

Like an accordion, Discord slammed his hands together, crumpling the toaster into a rectangle of mashed silver and black, screws and coils tumbling to the floor. His thin smile turned into a full sneer as his eyes never left mine.

It was hard not to cry. Instead, I rather moaned out what little spirit was left in me. By that point, I’d rather have no hope at all than have it be given and later taken away.

My breath became heavy, and I glared up at him. “I hate you so much I want to write a poem about how much I hate you. And I don’t even know how to write poems, meaning I’d need to learn to write them first and then master the art before mailing them to you. That’s how much I hate you right now.”

Before I had a chance to react, Discord’s thin arms wrapped around mine and pulled me in for a hug. One hand patted me softly. “Oh, come now, human Steve. Things can always get worse. You might think life’s rough now, but in a few days time, it might get even worse. So maybe you should look at this moment as the high point in your life. Feeling better?”

“No.”

Discord pulled away from me and held both of my hands in his, like my Grandma used to do when I’d visit her as a child. “I can tell that you and I are going to be the very best of friends by the end of all this.”

“I highly doubt that.” I tried to pull my hands away, but he held on tight.

Discord raised a brow. “Or, if you want, I could always snap my fingers and teleport you both back home right now. It would be simple, really. And all I’d ask in return is one teeny, tiny little favor from you.”

“I’m not falling for that anymore.”

He squeezed my hands. “Just one more. Please? It’s a good one.”

Since I had little option otherwise… “What’s the favor?”

“That you let me come and crash on that lumpy couch of yours. Wouldn’t that be fun, Steve? Sombra and I living in your condo forever, bugging you every moment of every day until you pass from this life? Unless you don’t like me for some reason. But that’s preposterous. Everyone likes me.” He leaned forward. “So whaddya say, roomy?”

How clear it all became, like a splash of ice water dumped atop the brain. I now had a decision to make, although both outcomes pretty much ended the same. I could say no and remain in alt-Equestria until doomsday, perhaps buying myself a week or two at best. Or I could agree to let Discord live in my home and eventually die, either murdered in my sleep because he got bored or dead by my own hands when I finally had enough of him. Either way, I gave it a day at most.

What would I even tell my parents?

Dear parents,

I regret to inform you I’ve decided to commit suicide. For seven months I’ve lived with a talking unicorn and then a few days ago another creature from an alternate dimension took over my home. I don’t think I need to say more. Sorry.

Love, Steve (P.S. Don’t look at my computer.)

They’d probably chalk it up to drugs or violent videogames somehow.

Discord waved his fingers. “Did I lose you for a second? I’m sure we could get along. And I also have a black-light poster that would just look smashing over the fireplace.”

“I don’t own a fireplace.”

He snorted. “Well, that’ll need to change, now, won’t it?”

By that point, my hands had become sweaty enough to slip out from his grasp. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather take my chances on planet crazy. Not living with planet crazy.”

Discord shrugged. “Your loss. And I didn’t even mention my Margarita machine.”

He snapped his fingers and something popped in the backroom, followed by a smack on the ground.

“Ow! Steve, I’ve hit my head! I landed right on my horn! Gods, that hurts!”

“That’s nice, Sombra,” I mumbled, keeping my head down and trying to figure out which direction to go from here. Obviously, we’d need to run. Get away from this town and away from all Twilights and Discords. Maybe we could bribe a group of unicorns into sending us back. But with what? Could Sombra force them to? And would they even be willing, considering he might be the only hope they had to save their world?

Sombra called from the back. “Steve? You still there? I’ve… hey, a piece of candy.” He gobbled something. “Someone left a piece of candy on the floor, Steve! And there’s another one! I’m going to eat it.”

Discord spent his time drinking from his cup. “Sombra really shouldn’t be taking candy from strangers.”

Still fathoming possible solutions to our plight, I ignored them both. I really shouldn’t have.

Out of sight, Sombra ate something else. “There’s a whole bunch of them, Steve! And they seem to be in a row—as if leading somewhere. I’m going to see where this goes and continue eating. This is really good floor chocolate. And there’s even more by the door.”

By the time my musing went in the direction of spell books and if others could be found in town, I already knew I’d made a mistake. I listened for Sombra and heard nothing. Not even chewing.

I turned to Discord. “It’s a trap, isn’t it?”

He rolled his eyes and took another sip. “Of course it is, Steve.”

Grabbing my book from the floor, I ran into the back and around the stacks of opened toaster boxes. I shoved through the backdoor. What awaited me outside was about as grim as it got.

“I’ve made a mistake, Steve,” Sombra said, once again inside a sealed bubble.

Twilight and her five friends stood side by side, each pair of eyes downcast and half open. None looked all too pleased to be seeing me again, or of what they were doing. Twilight came forward and growled, “This ends now, Steve. I won’t have you messing with our plans anymore. Too much is at stake here and already too much has been lost. I will not lose Sombra again.”

In a flash of white, Discord appeared by her side, wrapping an arm around her.

“And how’s my little sweetie doing? I see you’ve met Sombra and Steve.”

Twilight wouldn’t take her eyes from me. “Thank you, Discord. We needed Sombra back as soon as we could.”

Discord wrapped his neck around her, his face nearly touching hers. “Doesn’t this deserve a kiss, Ms. Sparkle?”

Twilight shut her eyes. “Now is not the time for that, Discord.”

Ignoring her wishes, Discord kissed her cheek anyways and returned to standing by her side. He muttered under his breath, “And to think… all it took to get us together was the end of the world.”

Twilight said to me, “You will not see Sombra again, Steve. Or any of us. Once a group of unicorns is ready for you, you’ll be returned home. Forget all that you’ve seen. Your part in this is over.”

Twilight’s eyes erupted in a bright glow, and her and her five friends levitated in the air. Another blast of light later, Sombra and the six of them were gone, leaving Discord by himself.

He clapped his hands together. “That was sure fun, eh, Steve?”

I balled my fists. “Where did they take him?!”

Discord began walking away from me. “I’m not going to give you all the answers, Steve.”

I made to go after him, but found two heavy hooves on my shoulders, pinning me in place. My stomach dropped.

“Hello again, Steve,” Luna whispered into my ear. “I’ll be looking after you from here on out, so I wouldn’t try anything fool—”

Before she could finish her sentence, I yelled out the teleportation spell from my book, concentrating on the only other part of town I could visibly recall. Once standing alone in the grass, I couldn’t help but chuckle despite the circumstances.

From here on out, I thought, I should always react midsentence.

I turned and found the tiny clubhouse I’d landed in butt-first the day before. With any luck, I could hide in there for a while and get some sleep before deciding on where to go next.

It would only be a couple of hours before I was found again.

Author's Notes:

Deleted scene:
EXT - Night - Empty Ponyville Street:

"...anything foolish," Luna finished smugly, before Steve disappeared from her grasp. Realizing she'd managed to screw up the only thing she was tasked with doing that night, she sighed heavily. "Well, fuck you too, Stove."