Everyone Wants to Have Sex With Twilight Sparkle

by chillbook1

Chapter 1: And She is Not Okay With That

Twilight Sparkle stepped through the portal, tripping and stumbling through as she normally did. This time, instead of her hooves, rather, her feet, touching hard concrete, they met with something slick and smooth. Twilight foolishly tried to anchor herself down by applying more pressure, and only slipped more. She smashed into something, spun from the impact, and fell for the ground. A hand gripped hers, and she let out a tiny giggle.

“I swear, I don’t do this on purpose.” said Twilight. “Hello, Flash.”

“Not quite, Sparky.” Sunset Shimmer pulled her friend to her feet and smiled. “What’s up?”

“Sunset Shimmer!” Twilight threw her arms around her fellow former pony and squeezed her in a tight hug. “Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!”

“Right back at you, but you should probably know that they don’t call it that here.” said Sunset, hugging Twilight back warmly. “We call it Valentine’s Day.”

“Hm? Oh, I guess it makes sense that the name is different.” said Twilight. She took a second to look around properly. Soft white adorned most every surface that Twilight could see. Tiny spears of ice hung from the roof of Canterlot High, with similar icicles dangling from any stationary structure in what seemed like all of Canterlot. Twilight was very confused; There shouldn’t have been so much snow on the ground! Yet she seemed to be the only one unprepared. Rock salt littered the ground (save for the area where Twilight slipped), and there were trucks with snow plows driving through the streets, pushing away as much of the white as they could. Even Sunset Shimmer had planned ahead, as she traded her leather jacket for a thick orange coat.

“Something wrong?” asked Sunset.

“You guys are really behind on Winter Wrap-Up.” said Twilight. She didn’t expect the cold, so all she had on was her typical uniform and backpack.

“It doesn’t really work like that.” chuckled Sunset. “So what brings you here? Not that I’m not glad to see you, but I figured you’d be busy.”

“I kinda was, but I managed to finish up early and I decided to pay a little visit. Um… I mean, I did intend to see you and the others, after the fact…” stuttered Twilight nervously. ”My plan was to come see you afterwards, I promise, but I wanted to… Uh… Is… Do you know where-”

“Sorry, Sparky, but Flash isn’t here.” said Sunset with a smug grin. Twilight sputtered and spewed fragments of words, nothing coherent coming out of her mouth.

“Where is he?!” she asked, a tad aggressively.

“He’s with his girlfriend.” said Sunset, turning slightly to hide her grin. If Twilight was flustered before, there was no word for what she was now. Her skin actually seemed to glow red, and Sunset could’ve sworn she saw steam pour from her ears.

“His what?!” erupted Twilight. “He has a girlfriend?!”

“Yeah. You didn’t know? After the Battle of the Bands, he started dating that Sonata girl.” snickered Sunset.

“Why her?! That girl can’t even tie her own shoes!” Twilight’s temper rose even higher.

“Dude, I’m joking. Calm down.” laughed Sunset. “Chill! He’s out of town because his grandmother died.” Twilight gasped in horror, losing all trace of anger.

“Oh my goodness! That’s terrible!” she said.

“Yeah. Rest in peace, Nana Sentry.” said Sunset, bowing her head for a second. “Anyway, are you coming? I’m on my way to Pinkie’s for a sleepover with the girls. You wanna join, or are you heading home because your boy-toy is out?”

“I told you, I did intend to see you guys. I even brought you gifts.” said Twilight, jabbing her thumb at her backpack. She smacked Sunset’s hand away when she tried to grasp it.

“You’ll see it when we’re all in a room together, okay? It’s only fair.” said Twilight. Sunset shrugged her shoulders and cocked her head to the side. The two girls strolled away from the school and down the street as fast as the could with Twilight inability to walk properly on ice. Noticing her friend shiver, Sunset unzipped her jacket and pulled it off, handing it to Twilight. Sunset had a thick sweater on underneath it, but the cold still nipped lightly at her chest.

“Thanks, Sunset.” said Twilight, slipping the jacket on. Sunset knew that the coat wouldn’t help much, but at least they’d catch hypothermia together.

“Hang in there, Sparky. It’s not too much further. Just another three blocks.” said Sunset Shimmer. She dug into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She tapped a few buttons and brought it to her ear.

“Hey, Pinkie. Yeah. I’m on my way.” said Sunset. “Listen, you might wanna put out an extra sleeping bag. We have one more. Yeah, I’m walking with her right now.”

"HI, TWILIGHT, I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU, GET HERE SOON!", Pinkie screamed so loudly that Twilight heard her as if they were right next to each other.

“And there go my eardrums.” said Twilight, digging a finger in her ear. She half expected her finger to come back red.

“Twilight says ‘Hi’. We’ll be there soon.” chuckled Sunset. “Bye.” She slipped her phone back in her pocket. “Is the other Pinkie this crazy?”

“I’m not sure anymore. Thank Celestia that they’ll never be able to meet.” said Twilight. “I mean, I love them both, but I don’t think there’d be any survivors.”

“Look, there’s her house.” said Sunset, pointing at a bright pink home across the street. The two girls rushed across the to get to the desperately needed warmth.

As soon as Pinkie saw Twilight, she lifted her into a spine-bending hug, then dragged her inside. Before Twilight really understood what was happening, she was in some warm and comfy purple pajamas, with a small quilt draped over her shoulders. Sunset Shimmer, also gifted with pajamas and a blanket, led Twilight to Pinkie’s bedroom while Pinkie herself bustled in the kitchen, gathering hot cocoa for the girls to enjoy.

“Howdy, Twi!” said Applejack, laying on her back with her feet kicked up on Pinkie’s footboard.

“Sup.” said Rainbow, her head resting on Rarity’s legs.

“It’s nice to see you, darling. It is a very pleasant surprise.” said Rarity brightly, painting her fingernails.

“Hey, guys. Wait, where’s Fluttershy?” asked Twilight. She sat her backpack on the floor and she soon followed. Sunset took a seat next to Applejack, stretching out her feet.

“She’s in the bathroom.” said Rainbow Dash. “She picked a crappy day to get her period, huh? The one day her boyfriend might convince her to put out. I bet he’s going crazy with the Kleenex and Jergens, am I right?”

“Ah’d appreciate it if y’all wouldn’t talk ‘bout Shy an’ Mac doin tha nasty.” said Applejack. “Tha’s my brother, in case y’all forgot.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Twilight. “What’s a Kleenex? And Jergens?”

“A guy’s best friend.” snickered Rainbow. Twilight looked to Rarity for answers, who shook her head.

“Honestly, Rainbow Dash.” said Rarity in disapproval. “That is gross! I am so sorry, darling, but you will have to ask someone else.”

“Applejack?” asked Twilight.

“Napkins an’ lotion.” said Applejack simply. “Not ta mention bad memories. ‘Memeber that time we walked in on him, Dash?”

“How could I forget? I was only a little kid then, but that day?” said Rainbow Dash, shaking her head. “That day, I became a man.”

“I am so confused.” said Twilight.

“Guys sometimes use napkins an’ lotion to jack off.” said Applejack bluntly, causing Rarity to roll her eyes.

“Oh. Of course.” said Twilight. “And… that means what?”

“Touching yourself.” said Sunset Shimmer. Twilight still looked confused. “In a sexual way. To pleasure yourself.”

“Oh. I suppose that’s easier for you guys, huh?” said Twilight, blushing faintly. “I don’t really understand what ‘jacking off’ entails, but if it involves touching yourself there, that has to be way better with hands.”

“You have no idea, Twilight.” said Sunset. “Hands over hooves anyday.”

“Hey, what’s in the bag?” asked Rainbow, noticing it for the first time.

“I brought gifts. I want to wait until everypo-. Until everybody is here.” said Twilight. A few seconds later, Pinkie Pie slid into the room, balancing a tray of seven mugs atop her head and gripping two cans of whipped cream in her hands. She handed each of the girls a mug and offered them whipped cream. All of them gratefully accepted, save for Sunset and Rarity.

“No thank you, Pinkie. I think I’ve seen enough whipped cream for a lifetime.” said Sunset, remembering semi-fondly of the week she spent at Pinkie’s after her initial defeat and how much whipped cream she had been forced to consume.

“I really should refrain, Pinkie. Swimsuit season is almost, almost here, and I need to keep up my figure.” said Rarity. Pinkie shrugged her shoulders and emptied the entirety of one of the cans into her mug.

“Now we just have to wait for Fluttershy.” said Twilight. Rainbow Dash groaned in frustration.

“Yo, Fluttershy!” she shouted. “Big Mac is here! He doesn’t have a shirt on for some reason!”

Pinkie’s bathroom door swung open violently, and Fluttershy tripped out, smashing into the ground with her pants around her ankles and her butt aimed at the sky.

“Ow…” she whispered. Rainbow Dash seemed to be the only one amused by the situation, laughing while everyone else clamored to see if she was okay.

“Face down, ass up…” sang Rainbow. “That’s the way we like to-”

“Are you okay, Fluttershy?” said Sunset. She helped their quietest friend to her feet. “Those are some cute panties.”

Fluttershy glanced down and her white and green striped underwear, and swiftly pulled her green pajamas back up to her waist. With her face glowing bright red, she took a seat next to Pinkie Pie, gratefully accepting the cocoa.

“Hello, Twilight.” said Fluttershy quietly. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s okay. I still don’t really get clothes here.” said Twilight. “I’ve seen my pony friend Fluttershy naked before. We don’t wear clothes.”

“It’s a different culture, Twi.” said Sunset. “Don’t try to make sense of it. You’ll just frustrate yourself.”

“Okay, you had us waiting long enough.” said Rainbow Dash. “Show me the money!”

“Right. I brought some gifts from Equestria.” said Twilight. She reached into her backpack and dug around.

“For Fluttershy, I got an enchanted bird whistle.” said Twilight, pulling out the tube of wood. There was an opening for air to escape, a part for the whistler to put their lips on, and another tiny hole that seemed to serve no purpose. Fluttershy accepted it with a quiet utterance of thanks and blew into it. The whistle made no sound whatsoever.

“Well, here’s the enchanted part.” said Twilight. “See that tiny hole? You put a feather there and the whistle tunes itself to attract birds of that kind. Makes it sort of all-in-one.”

“That’s amazing! Thank you, Twilight!” said Fluttershy gratefully. Twilight smiled and searched around again. She withdrew a jar of some rainbow-colored substance and slid it across the floor to Applejack.

“This is Zap Apple Jam.” said Twilight. “Zap Apples are magical apples that take some strange rituals to harvest properly. I think it’s worth it, though. It’s great on just about anything.”

“Ah do appreciate it, Ah really do.” said Applejack. She gripped the jar and felt a slight current of electricity run through her.

“I got Rarity these earrings.” said Twilight. She handed Rarity a pair of diamond studs. “They shift in shape and color depending on what you’re wearing, so that you’ll always have earrings that go with your outfit.”

“That is amazing, Twilight! I love them!” squealed Rarity. Twilight beamed happily, glad that her new friends were enjoying their gifts.

“For Rainbow Dash, a magical propeller for your turtle.” said Twilight, handing the small propeller to Rainbow. “Strap it to Tank and tap his shell three times. The propeller will start spinning, and he’ll be able to fly and keep up with you.”

“First off, he’s a tortoise, not a turtle.” said Rainbow. “Second, awesome!”

“For Pinkie, Crystal Empire Rock Candy.” said Twilight. She handed Pinkie a bag of large blue crystals. Pinkie looked at the bag uneasily, glancing over her shoulders.

“Twilight!” Pinkie whisper-shouted. “Are you sure you can sell here?”

“What do you mean? I’m not selling it. It’s a gift.” said Twilight, utterly perplexed.

“You’re just giving his product away?! And Heisenberg is okay with this?” asked Pinkie.



“Eep!” yelped Pinkie. “It’s the one who knocks!”

She ran from the room, only to return a few moments later. Her face had shifted from absolute terror to pure relief.

“It was just Maud! So, this is candy, huh?” asked Pinkie, picking up the bag and holding it to the light. “What’s the purity?”

“Pinkie Pie!” groaned Rainbow Dash. “Say it with me: That. Is. Not. Meth!”

“It’s the sweetest rock candy in all of Equestria.” said Twilight, confused again by her strangest friend’s… well, strangeness. “The pony Pinkie swears by it.”

“That good, huh? I will be the judge of that.” Pinkie took a chunk of rock and licked it. Her pupils dilated and drool began to drip from the corner of her open mouth. A faint sound came from her, something like a moan mixed with a giggle.

“Well, that jus’ happened.” said Applejack.

“And last, but certainly not least, is Sunset Shimmer.” said Twilight, directing attention to her newest friend. “Now, you were a bit harder to shop for. I didn’t have anypony to go off for you, so I had to ask Celestia. She said that you liked history books and chocolate, but I couldn’t decide which to get you. So, I got both.” She handed Sunset a book, a fresh, crisp, thick, never-before-opened book, titled Historical Figures Shaping Equestria. Sunset Shimmer rarely got giddy over books anymore, but a book from Equestria was enough to make her giggle like a school girl. She skimmed through it and paused near the end of the table of contents.

“Whoah! You’re in here?” said Sunset.

“Just a little bit near the end. Besides the book, I got a box of these to share.” Twilight lifted a golden colored box. As soon as she saw the box, Sunset Shimmer dropped the book without a care.

“No way. Are those…” said Sunset, salivating slightly.

“They sure are. Donut Joe’s Double-Fudge Nom-Noms.” said Twilight. Sunset Shimmer leapt on the box and took three in her mouth without a second thought.

“Whoah. Someone’s hungry.” said Rainbow Dash.

“You guys don’t understand.” said Sunset Shimmer. “Imagine the best sex you ever had. I’d rather have one Double-Fudge Nom-Nom than that combined orgasm.”

“They can’t be that good.” said Applejack. She picked up a little morsel of double chocolate covered fried dough and stuffed it in her mouth. “Well, slap mah ass an’ call me Sally. She’s right.”

“This is why.” said Sunset Shimmer. “She’s always doing nice things like this.”

“Yup. This is definitely a big reason.” said Rainbow, taking a Nom-Nom for herself.

“Probably one of tha biggest reasons why.” agreed Applejack.

“Reasons why what?” asked Twilight. She expected them to tell her about how she was considered their best friend, and the reason was because she was so nice and thoughtful and-.

“Tha reason why we all wanna bang ya.” said Applejack. Twilight had no clue what that meant, but based off of how Rarity let out a grunt of frustration, it was indecent.

“I beg your pardon?” said Twilight.

“You’re really nice, and pretty damn hot, so we all wanna bone you.” said Rainbow Dash.

“You want to… What?”

“Get with you.” said Rainbow.

“Get with me where?” asked Twilight in confusion.

“The Promised Land.”

“I still don’t get it.” said Twilight.

“Sex.” said Sunset Shimmer. “She means sex. We all want to have sex with you.”

Everyone nodded their agreement, even Rarity, who thought that they should refrain from discussing such topics. Twilight looked at her friends strangely, then gave a nervous chuckle.

“Very funny, guys. I get it.” said Twilight. “It’s Hearts and Hooves Day, and you thought you’d play a little joke on me. Haha.”

“They are not joking.” said Rarity. “We’ve all talked about it before, and we’ve decided that we would all have sexual relations with you, if you were to let us.”

“Well, most of us.” said Sunset.

“Okay. So who wouldn’t?” asked Twilight. Sunset raised her hand.

“I considered doing it even if you didn’t let me.” said Sunset Shimmer. Twilight pressed her lips together uncomfortably and shimmied away slightly. “I mean, I know that’s not cool now, but that was the old me. I considered it after you sang that song in the cafeteria, for votes.”

“This is impossible. You can’t all want to… Right?” asked Twilight sheepishly.

“We’ve all thought about it.” said Rainbow Dash. “If you let us, we all have a plan of attack.”

“And that is?” asked Twilight, despite herself. Pinkie jumped up and slid next to Twilight, winking seductively.

“Ooh! Ooh! Me first!” squealed Pinkie. “You’d be on your bed, reading a book, and I’d be dancing all sexy for you and then you’d say in your gruffest, most manly voice ‘Come here’ and then I slide into bed and you press my back down and you pull out your dick and-”

“My what?” asked Twilight.

“It’s slang for penis.” said Sunset.

“I don’t have one. I don’t think so.” said Twilight

“You do in my dreams.” said Pinkie brightly. She closed her eyes and feigned sleep for a moment, then jumped right back up, winking slyly at Twilight. The girls shared a laugh, except for Twilight. She opened her mouth to say something, but the words never got too close to being formed.

“Come on, Sparky. That’s nothing.” said Sunset. “At least she was nice enough to let you be the top.”

“What would you do, Sunny?” asked Pinkie, flopping back down onto the floor. The spotlight was on Sunset, and Twilight didn’t like anything about the situation.

“Me? Like I said, it was a strategy to beat you. You know that weird hallway that’s always dark?” said Sunset. Twilight and the rest of the girls all nodded. “Well, I was gonna drag you down there. I had it all planned out: I’d grab you by the hair and shove you against the lockers. Then I’d start feeling you up, maybe kiss you a little, get you undressed, you know? Just some really good foreplay. Then I was going to leave.”

“What tha hell would be the point of that?” asked Applejack.

“Think about it. I was going to make her want it, then leave. She’d lose her mind.” said Sunset. “She’s not used to this body yet, so anything she might’ve done in Equestria to ease the tension wouldn’t have worked. She would’ve gone crazy, begging me to finish her off. By then, my plan would’ve gone through.”

“I doubt it would’ve been that easy.” said Twilight. “I mean, come on! Even if you could do that, you don’t really think I’d go crazy, do you?”

“You don’t get it, cause you’re still thinking like a pony.” said Sunset. “You know how it feels to be in heat? Well, imagine mating season, except three times as intense and 24/7. And it’s way harder to get laid here than back home. I’m telling you, if I was just a little more evil, I might’ve won.”

“Psh! What Pinkie said was kinda cute, and your idea was kinda hot, I guess, but I’d do it perfectly.” said Rainbow Dash. “Twilight would be in the shower, soaping herself up all nice. I’d slip in there with her, without her noticing. Just when she goes to shut off the water… BOOM!” Rainbow leapt jokingly at Twilight (the pony princess didn’t appreciate the joke). “My right hand is on her tits, my left hand is on that cute little butt of hers… Whoo! I get excited just thinking about it.”

Twilight made a mental note never to shower in this world. She felt like she was the only sane one in the house. The girls just sat there and laughed, both at Rainbow’s fantasy and Twilight’s discomfort. Twilight opened her mouth again, but couldn’t produce anything except a low, rattling groan.

“Come on, now.” said Applejack. “How exactly is that better than tha others?”

“Uh, hello? The other two didn’t have me in them!” said Rainbow Dash, as if it should’ve been obvious. “What, think you can do better?”

“Probably. Ah ain’t give it too much thought.” said Applejack, shrugging her shoulders. “If Ah had it my way, Twilight would never leave tha bedroom. Ah’ll tell ya that fer free.”

“For the love of Celestia! This doesn’t make any sense!” yelped Twilight finally. “There’s still a lot I have to learn about your culture, but honestly! This cannot be socially acceptable! You don’t just talk about sexual fantasies about your friends, with your friends, to your friends! Am I the only one who sees the problem with this? I feel like I’m taking crazy-pills!”

“Twilight, darling, it really is not such a big deal.” said Rarity.

“Not a big deal? Not a big deal. Oh, how silly of me. Did you guys hear? It’s not a big deal!” shrieked Twilight hysterically. “I guess I’m just over-reacting then! You guys must get this all the time, that one of your best friends wants to sneak up on you in the shower, another wants you to have reproductive organs that clash with your gender, and a third wanted, at one time, to rape you!”

“Don’t say the R-word!” whispered Pinkie. “People get really butthurt when you joke about things like that!”

“What are you talking about?” asked Twilight, calming down slightly.

“You can’t say the R-word, the N-word, the C-word, the S-word, the E-word, or the other F-word! People get really upset!”

“What’s the other F-Word?” asked Sunset.

“Ya know the one that starts like ‘Fun’ and ends like ‘Firetruck’?” asked Pinkie. The girls nodded. “Not that one. The thing that people call Rainbow Dash behind her back.”

“What? Seriously?” asked Rainbow Dash, jumping up in alarm. “People are calling me a flapjack?”

“Oh, come here.” said Rarity. She leaned close and whispered something into Rainbow’s ear.

“Hey! Who calls me that?!” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Your girlfriend.” said Applejack flatly. Rainbow Dash bit her lip and slid back down to the ground.

“Oh. Well, Spitfire can call me whatever she wants.” said Rainbow Dash. Suddenly, the entire group, except for Twilight, burst into laughter. “What? I don’t get it.”

“Honey, Ah was bluffin. Y’all never told us ya were with Spitfire.” snickered Applejack. “Why ain't ya with her?”

“She was being a bitch, so I told her I was gonna hang out with you. I think that made her jealous.” said Rainbow Dash.

“I give up.” said Twilight. “I just can’t make sense of you people. I’ve studied some complicated subjects in my day, but you guys take the cake.”

“Makes you miss Celestia’s thousand question growth tests, huh?” said Sunset, taking a Nom-Nom from the box. Twilight muttered something under her breath, some angry, incoherent whisper. “I’m sorry we made you uncomfortable. We’ll stop talking about it if you want.”

“No, no, go on.” said Twilight sarcastically. “Continue talking about how you would each defile my body!”

“Um… Actually? If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to share.” said Fluttershy quietly. All eyes were on the most nervous of the group, who shrunk down almost as if to hide in her pajamas. “Um, you see, I actually… I wrote a little story about it. I don’t know what you would call them, they’re just things I’ve done for fun. If you wouldn’t mind…”

“Sure thing, Fluttershy!” said Pinkie brightly. “Read us your fanfiction!”

“I believe she was asking for Twilight’s permission, Pinkie Pie.” said Rarity.

Twilight looked at her CHS friends uneasily. She was trying her hardest to find a valid reason to refuse to hear Fluttershy’s story. Try as she might, she didn’t come up with much. There was no way that Fluttershy, of all people, could write something disgustingly obscene. It was probably just a cute, romantic story with a little bit of suggestivity scattered throughout.

“Fine. I’m sure it’s very nice Fluttershy.” said Twilight. Fluttershy beamed with joy, then leapt to Pinkie’s laptop.

“Do you mind if I use your laptop, Pinkie Pie?” asked Fluttershy. “I have all of them saved to Google Drive.”

“Sure thing, Shy!” said Pinkie, grinning just as wide.

“Wait, wait, what? All of them?” asked Twilight.

“Uh-huh. All 74 of them.” said Fluttershy. Twilight pressed her lips together, on the verge of protest. She shrugged her shoulders and tried to get as comfortable as possible. They couldn’t be that bad, could they?

Seventy-four dramatic readings of indecent fanfics later

Twilight’s face had taken refuge in the safety of her palms. She considered herself to be very level-headed and calm, but she was shuddering in absolute horror that anyone, let alone one of her best friends, had written something like that with her in mind.

“Damn, Fluttershy.” whispered Rainbow Dash. “That was pretty hot.”

“Oh, well, thank you.” said Fluttershy, bowing her head modestly. “Where’s Rarity?”

“She had to excuse herself to the bathroom at some point during ‘Edible Lust’.” said Sunset Shimmer. “That was my favorite, I think. The name’s a little on the nose, but I think that’s okay.”

“Thank you, Sunny. What did you think, Applejack?”

“Ah think Ah might’ve enjoyed that a helluva lot more if mah brother wasn’t in every single goddamn one!” shouted Applejack.

“He wasn’t in all of them.” said Sunset. “The first dozen were just Fluttershy and Twilight. Speaking of which, how is our Princess doing?”

“I swear to Celestia, if you call me Princess again, after hearing that story…” groaned Twilight. “Why did you even write that?”

“I was just bored and lonely, I guess. A lot of them were written before me and Mac got together.” said Fluttershy. “That’s why you’re so masculine in the first couple.”

“I don’t think I can eat pineapples anymore.” said Twilight sullenly. “I loved pineapples. You’ve ruined pineapples for me.”

“My favorite was the one in the plane!” said Pinkie brightly.

“Which one?” asked Rainbow Dash. “‘Enter the Cock-pit’ or ‘Cum and See the Sights’?”

“Hmmmm…. Both! Twilight and Shy in the Mile High Club! I love it!”

“I wanted to ride an airplane someday. Not anymore. I think you guys ruined everything that could ever be wonderful about this world.” sighed Twilight. “Did you really have to call me ‘Princess’ throughout all of them? I won’t be able to go back to work. Ponies call me ‘Princess’ every day. I can’t look them in the eye anymore.”

“Read more!” hissed Rarity, through the bathroom door.

“Sorry, Rarity. There are no more. I’ve only written seventy-four.” said Fluttershy.

“Damnit!” The door flew open and Rarity stomped out. Her hair, normally neat and groomed, was a frizzy mess. She was covered in sweat and had an energy of aggression around her.

“Fluttershy, darling, please be a dear and Share those with me?” said Rarity. “Pretty please?”

“Guys! This is no time to joke!” said Pinkie suddenly. She grabbed Twilight’s shoulders gently. “Look at what we’ve done to our bestest friend ever! We have to help fix this!”

“How?” asked Twilight. “How can you possibly fix this? I can’t un-hear the things I’ve heard.”

“I have an idea.” said Sunset. “We could try trauma therapy.” The girls looked at her in bemusement. “You know? Trauma therapy. Numb her to reality by showing her that things could be way worse.”

“How can things be worse than the pineapples?” asked Twilight.

“It could be a whole pineapple. Unpeeled.” said Rainbow. Pinkie suddenly reached into her hair and withdrew just that: A large, whole, unpeeled pineapple.

“Is this going where I think it is?” asked Pinkie.

“No!” shrieked Twilight. Before the other girls could react, she was gone. They heard the loud slam of the front door and Twilight’s receding screaming.

Twilight fell through to the other side of the portal, landing on all four of her hooves. Her pony friends were sitting in their thrones, and looked at her expectantly. Without warning, her horn was illuminated in bright purple light. The book that powered the portal was shrouded in the same light, and rocketed up and out, soaring through the castle into some deep, dark corner where Twilight hoped she would never find it again.

“Never again.” said Twilight. “Spike! Get the bleach! I need to cleanse my brain.”

Author's Notes:

Well, that just happened.:pinkiecrazy: This was just a dumb thing I did for what I see as the most pointless of our many, many pointless holidays. Still, it let’s me do stupid stuff like this. Hope y’all enjoyed, and let me know if you did. See you in the next one. Farewell!

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