Clueless in Equestria

by David Silver

Chapter 1: 1 - He Arrives

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This is a story about a guy, a human. His name is David. He likes to write stories, much like this one. We will assume that he's not writing this very story, unless it's a journal that he left behind? That is a possibility, but one we won't fuss about for too long.

David was seated at his computer. The chair he was parked in was uncomfortable. He had assembled it himself for Christmas and must have put it together incorrectly. It was a bit of a shame he didn't have the little thing that worked the bolts. He liked it anyway, as it hurt just enough to get him off his butt and move around. In fact, he had been on a diet and trying to be a healthier person in general, and it was working! Down to 217 pounds in a little over a week was a monument to his amazing willpower, or at least his ability to deny himself nice things like food and soda. Ah well, he was in his mid-thirties, so it was then or never to get into any kind of non-pear shape.

Part of this new routine involved taking more walks around the neighborhood. He rose from the chair and moved for the front door, he tapped at his smart phone and it began tracking his location as he walked at an determined pace in a random direction. He thought back to the stories he was in the middle of.

What would happen with the Mane Six and their new friends dealing with a world suffering wide spread elemental chaos? That would be fun to write about. He was almost as eager to find out as his readers, though he had almost as little of a clue how it would work out.

"Turn left," said his phone softly. This surprised David. The app was supposed to track where he went, not direct him to anywhere. Not having anywhere better to be other than walking, he obliged the device and began walking down the new road. The phone chirped in notication and he began to inspect the new mails that came in, alerting him to books he was selling, and, oh, someone left a message on the Ponyfinder forum.

He began to punch in a reply when the signal suddenly dropped off the phone. He looked up to see he wasn't on the street he started on. Floating in a void, despite his feet feeling like they were on a solid surface, David did not know where he was at all.

All right, no reason to panic. I'm either dead, which means you can't do anything, or dreaming, in which case high marks on the clarity, or something amazing is happening, which is awesome.

"Hello?" he said, looking around in the inky darkness. He crouched down carefully and felt around. There was a ground here, but it was perfectly smooth, like glass. It wasn't slippery though.

Words appeared before him in fine filigree, burning brightly as they hovered in the nothing.

Where do you want to be?

David was confused at these words, but, opportunity! He wasn't about to allow this chance for adventure slip by. Sure he was older than most protagonists in stories found something amazing to do, but that wasn't going to stop David now that adventure beckoned. What should he say though?

"Can I pick anywhere?" he started.


"Can I be anything?" he added.

You are you.

"Would it be impolite to ask who you are?" he pried with building curiosity.

No, but I won't tell you anyway.

David rose up to his feet fully. It was tempting to say Everglow, but that was a world of extreme dangers, where a thirty something year old human with no combat expertise can expect little more than maybe a job as a scholar (would 'Common' translate to English?) if they're not killed by something he would be powerless to counter. Maybe a nicer place.

"Equestria," he said. Surely he could survive there while having an adventure, right?

You may bring one thing with you.

This was a much harder choice. A good selection could make quite the difference.

David asked, "Is what I'm wearing and holding already counting towards that?"


David nodded softly. It could have been worse. Shoot, he didn't have a laptop with wikipedia downloaded to it, that would have been awesome.

He decided to try his luck, "I'd like my computer desk and everything in/on it, but held in a little ball until I put it down and tell it to unfold."

There was a pause. David began to worry if he hadn't asked for too much. "Hello?", he called to the darkness.

Cheeky. Once you have placed your possessions, they will not fold again. Place it carefully. Since you have bent the rules in your favor, you will be placed in an unfavorable starting place. Good luck.

"I--" David found himself standing atop a snow packed mountain. Cold wind blew around him, cutting through his simple shirt as if it weren't there. Clutched in the hand without the phone was a little clear rubber ball with his desk in it. He stuffed the phone and the ball into his pockets quickly. He thought back to his Boy Scout training and... nothing came up. Sighing, he surveyed the area. At least it wasn't snowing, and he could see the faint hint of train tracks in one direction. That seemed as good a target as any, and he began to hike towards those tracks determinedly.

Fortunately, hiking was something David felt confident he could do for a long time, even as the muscles in his legs began to whine and complain about all the effort. What worried him more was the lack of food and water. Though he could still stand to lose a few pounds, a starvation diet was far from the ideal way of doing it. The air was growing slowly warmer as he descended from the mountain, but the sun was setting faster than he could descend.

"Celestia's sun," he said to himself, looking up at it. The temperature was starting to plummet with the approaching dusk, and David looked for shelter. His belly was tense with the faint ache of hunger, but that seemed a distant concern. He spotted a cave and quickly jogged to it. He dug out his phone and squinted at the battery, 70%. He turned on airplane mode to conserve power before turning the still bright screen into the darkness. The cave opened after a few feet and looked clean.

Not seeing any better alternative or signs of animal life, he dared to enter, waving his smart phone about to cast light. The temperature was a little better inside, though not much. At least he wouldn't be an ice cube in the morning, and that was good enough. "Just have to get to a town, and make friendly with the ponies," he said as he settled down to get some sleep. "Walk in confidently, smile without teeth, and be friendly. Put those sales skills to the test."

Different possible scenarios danced through his head, from the ideal immediate acceptance to the worst case being chased out of town by a herd of spooked ponies wielding torches and pitchforks. Trying to plan for the contingencies loosely, he surrendered his grip on the waking world.

David's dreams were an odd place, where things happened in wild orders and often without any true reasoning. He was busy making a withdrawal from a bank for a basket of muffins. He handed one to Derpy without even realizing she was there and walked out of the bank into oncoming traffic. He dodged a car and pulled the door open on the next where he was riding to a Ponyfinder game that he would be running shortly.

"Are your dreams always so turbulent?" asked a familiar voice to his left.

He looked and saw Luna seated in the driver's seat. Her appearance seemed as natural as anything else in the dream, but her words shook his hold on it, bringing him to a semi lucid state, "Huh? Oh! Luna! I didn't think I'd meet you this quickly."

"You know of me? You are not even a pony, or a diamond dog, or... are you a minotaur? You have the hands, but no hooves. No horn, are you female?" she grilled David before the scene shifted. They were walking along the sea, on a boardwalk high over the waves below.

David shook his head at her, "Nah, male. I'm guessing there are no humans, somewhere else in the world?"

She shook her head in return, "Wait, are you from beyond a mirror portal?"

"I honestly don't know," said David with a shrug. "I'm up in a mountain in a cave. I'm heading for some rail tracks but I didn't recognize any other landmarks."

Though Luna hadn't touched David, he suddenly was falling towards the water. He hadn't had a falling dream since he was a kid. He heard Luna speak, "Go to the tracks, human." He woke up just before he would have struck the water.

I, er, he woke up with a start. Already the dream was fading away as he pulled himself to his feet. The cave was not the most comfortable bed he had been on, and yet not the least comfortable either. He looked out into the dim light. Not wanting to waste battery, he moved out to take a peek at the sun or moon. The sun is what greeted him, low in the sky but rising. There was a nip in the air, but walking would only make him warmer, or so he reasoned, so he resumed his hike.

Sleep had done nothing to sate his hunger or thirst, but at least the mountain was giving way to grass lands. He couldn't see the rail from this lower elevation but he kept on forward, he hoped in the right direction. The sun was still in the same direction, if slowly rising, so that was confidence-boosting. A glance above made him pause. High in the sky soared two pegasi. They were far enough way to be barely discernible shapes, but he could see their wings flapping with some concentration. A quick shout didn't get their attention, and they moved on past. Well alright! At least he was sure he made it to the right place. Near as he could tell, the pegasi were heading Northerly. Following their direction, he saw another mountain far in the distance, maybe days away.

"Figures," he grumbled to himself as the hike resumed. A soft coo brought his attention as a small cloud of parasprites floated past. Two of them diverted to inspect him. "Sorry, no food here," he noted with a bit of a smirk as he walked on. Either understanding him or losing interest, they hurried to rejoin the cloud of other parasprites.

His day began to look far better when he came across a small pond. He almost ran for it before a thought kept him back. Untreated water could kill a man. He remembered reading that somewhere, and he didn't want to die of dysentery. Worst game over ever! But it was either drink, or fall over after another day of hiking and die not long after that, dizzy and miserable. Saying a quiet prayer that Equestrian water was less filled with micro-organisms, he took the chance and slaked his thirst deeply. "I'm giving you my faith, Equestria. I'll be good, promise. Don't kill me." The prayer was as much for himself as anything else, and the pond had no reply for it.

Author's Notes:

It begins. We've tossed Dave into Equestria. Where will he end up? What dangers will he face? You could help determine that! Leave your awful ideas for this awful fic below!

Next Chapter: 2 - Civilization Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 22 Minutes
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