Lyra carefully examines two nearly identical bundles of carrots as Rainbow pushes Rainbom toward a basket of Pineapples. Luckily, Rainbom seems to be distracted quickly by the forest green stallion who is throwing the pineapples across the whole store in a blind fury. You'd stop to seriously examine the situation, but you have way more important things to worry about. So, fuck that enigma of a situation, let's get back to the real cancer.

"Please tell me you only need a few things," you mutter. "I don't think I can take a week's worth of groceries."

"Then you're in luck. We buy for the month," Lyra says, deciding on the bundle that appears 'orangier' to her.

"Hooray."

"HOORAAAAYYYY!" chimes in Lyler, not picking up your sarcasm.

"Is there anything I can do to help speed this up then?" you ask.

"Yeah. Why don't you go to dairy and pick up milk and butter?"

"THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MILK. GOT MILK?" screams the horse in your shopping cart.

"Fine, I'll get those and meet you... Where?"

"Cereal," Lyra says.

"OH. Great. The perfect place to take a re-"

"You're saving me from having to take her to the family planning aisle," Lyra says, casting you a dirty look. "Do you understand?"

Suddenly your mind breaks away to Lyler in a grocery store with a box of condoms broken open. She has condoms wrapped around every limb of her body, as well as shoved in every orifice, screaming 'IMMA BALLOON ANIMAL"

"Yes. I do."

"Then go, and I'll meet you in cereal."

With a sigh, you turn the cart towards dairy and watch as Lyler attempts to do a somersault in the shopping cart. Except, Lyler seems to fail to realize that she is a fully grown pony and keeps ending up getting stuck in the basket with her ass in your face. You do your best to look away, like a good little Lyra slave... But Goddamn man, Lyler's goods are within smelling distance. And that's not saying you want to look at it. It's like when you smell something so revolting and devoid of any common decency, that you feel the need to figure out exactly what it is. In this case, you can't help but look at Lyler's Brown stained ponut because it smells like she diced up skunk children and used them as an enema.

Once you've helped Lyler get up for the Seventh time, and you're sure you're never going to heaven, you finally make it back to dairy. And you've even set a new record. Only three foals threw up.

You make your way to the butter rack, and grab a block. You toss it in the basket and make your way over to the milk. But, Lyler takes the butter and throws it on the ground.

You stop and stare at the horse in the cart, who states back at you, her tongue absent-mindedly hanging out.

"No. Bad Horse" you say.

"OVERUSED REFERENCE ANON. SHIT POST BUTTER."

"Wait. What? Nevermind. Fuck you. Butter in the basket," you say, picking up the bar of butter and putting it in the shopping cart.

"HOSE AGAAAAINNNN, " she says, grabbing the butters and throwing it at a white mare in purple glasses examining the sour cream.

You growl at her, but lucky for you, you are a meme expert. You've grown to learn her fucked up way of life. You know she's making a Silence of the Ewes reference. So, without another word, you walk to the beauty section, flipping off Lyra as you walk past family planning, grab a bottle of lotion, then return to the cart before Lyler has an existential crisis.

You put the lotion into the fucking basket.

"I put the lotion in the fucking basket," you say to her.

She stares at you blankly as if trying to process the information.

Then, silently, she hops out of the shopping cart.

Have you ever felt the silence before something really bad happened? That tense feeling in the air? The way your hair stands on the back of your neck?

Lyler turns on the spot and walks toward the white mare in purple glasses. You shake your head and put the butter in the cart again.

Lyler stares at the mare, unblinking as she approaches her. The mare listens to music through a set of headphones, completely unaware to Lyler's approach.

The mare stands in front of a milk refrigerator, examining each of the sell by dates in each gallon. Lyler rises to her back two hooves before she bellows to the store.

"I WILL NOT BE OUT MEME'D!"

The mare turns in horror, her sunglasses sliding down to reveal crimson red eyes. But Lyler works quickly. She strikes the mare down and pulls a gallon of milk from the cooler.

"W-what are you doing?!" Vinyl Scratch screams.

"BEST SHIP!" she screams before slamming the gallon down on Vinyl's snout.

Instantly, like popping a grape, blood shoots out of her nose in two clean trickles. Vinyl opens her mouth to scream in pain, but Lyler exceeds the realm of your belief by opening the gallon of milk, and shoving the action end of the gallon in Vinyl's milkhole. The gallon pours down the DJ pony's throat steadily as you rush over to pull the crazy horse away.

"LYLER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

"MILKING THIS JOKE!"

You grab the horse and shove her back in the cart. You pull the gallon out of Vinyl's mouth and the white fluid quickly spills out all over the mare's body like she's been the recent victim of a weird bukkake session where all of the stallions were a bit too hydrated. Vinyl lies on the floor in a panting, sticky wreck.

You grab a gallon of milk, throw it in the cart and hurry off before you can get in trouble.

Author's Notes:

Omfg