Author's Notes:

I don't know how to justify these. Why are you still reading?

Today is the day that you complete your masterpiece. Your whole life has led to this very moment. Ingredients were chosen with the greatest care. Varying temperatures and cooking times have been tested for months. Today is the day that you create the greatest chocolate cake in Equestria.

It would have been a difficult task to spend all of your time practicing cooking, but luckily you have a job at Sugarcube Corner. Every day you got to create amazing delicacies and pastries for the town of Ponyville to enjoy. The ponies couldn't get enough of your cooking, and you are working on an entry for the National Dessert Competition in Canterlot.

It's a simple cake, only three tiers, with fudge frosting in the middle. The bottom and top layers are a smooth milk chocolate cake while the middle layer was loaded with devilish dark chocolate. Preparing your heavy cream frosting that also has a strong dose of chocolate infused with it, a terrifying thought occurs to you.

She hasn't disturbed your work today. Scanning the kitchen, you look for any sign of the pink menace. Nothing must disturb the master plan. Pouring your frosting into a plastic bag, you cut off an end and begin to spread it evenly. Slowly spreading the confectionery over the cake, you take delicate care to insure that each knife stroke leaves an even pattern on the cake. After a solid thick coating, you turn around to throw away the excess frosting.

"Finally."

Turning around, Lyler is directly in your face and giving you her signature bedroom eyes.

Not this fetish shit. Not today.

"Get out of the fucking kitchen, Lyler. I'm doing something important."

"I HELP LOTS.”

She walks slowly around the cake, inspecting it carefully.

“LOOK YUMMY”

"Don't you fucking touch it."

You stare bullets at her. She turns and stares at you with a burning lust in her eyes.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?"

Grinding your teeth, you stare at the one PONY you can't do anything to. Lyra would murder you if you threw her out of a window again. You just have to take it. Raising her hoof, she takes some of the frosting and licks it off her hoof.

"CAKE FARTS."

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?"

She slowly walks around the table one more time, as if stalking her prey. Getting up on the table, Lyler presents her flank to you.

"Are you done yet? Don't fucking hurt my baby. I'll stab you."

She giggles and slowly lowers her flank down to the cake.

"Don't you fucking dare."

It comes dangerously close to the frosting. A single drip of sweat slowly runs down your face. Lyler closes her eyes and holds her breath.

"PPPPLLLLLLBBBTTTTTTTTTTTHHHH"

Your jaw drops. Lyler just farted on everything in this world that gave your life meaning.

She plows her flank deep into the cake, and releases another long wet fart into your pride and joy. You feel your grip on reality slowly slipping into the void. Why would she do this? She slowly lifts her flank to you, presenting her chocolate frosting covered asshole and marehood.

"YOU LIKE DIS, ANERN?"

You see her asshole pucker, and drops another bomb directly at you. For the love of god, don't throw up. Your cake, no, the mass formerly known as a cake, is in shambles. Lyler’s face turns red, and she gasps for air. With one final push, she begins to let out the loudest and wettest fart that you have ever heard. All you can do is stand and watch in pure shock. When she has completed the deed, she hops down off the table and rubs her hoof up and down your leg.

"CAN WE HAVE THE SEX NOW?!"

You stare at the demented mare. Finally, something inside of you snaps, and a smile crawls across your face.

"Anon, today's the day."

Five years. Five years for shoving that mare into the closet. To be fair, she didn’t know how to turn the door handle, so she wasn’t found for three weeks. It was going to be a longer sentence when they thought it was kidnapping.

It was kind of a surprise for you that they didn’t find her sooner. You’d think that she’d scream or something, but that wasn’t the case. Lyler simply decided that was her life now, and resigned herself to living in a closet for the rest of her life.

Getting out of your holding cell, you ponder whether the action that brought you here was justified. Lyler showed the most grotesque display of affection for you that you have ever seen. She also destroyed your one joy in life at the very same moment.

As you walk out of the Ponyville Detention Center, the sun graces your skin as you wonder what you should do with the rest of your day. Especially since you are now unemployed. Actually, maybe finding a job is a good idea. As you walk home, you wonder what you should do for employment now.

You could try to see if Applejack needs any help. There is also the library. Twilight might need extra help. Rarity's Boutique could also be a last resort if necessary.

"OR YOU COULD BE LYLER’S SEX SLAVE."

You could also be Lyler’s-

"Lyler, go away."

The green mare waddles alongside you.

"BECAUSE OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER?"

"Yes. Precisely."

"NUH UH. YOU CAN’T CUM TO ME. I CAN CUM TO YOU. I CHECKED."

This fucking mare will drive you insane. You just keep walking home, hoping that the seafoam unicorn will either run out of things to talk about, get bored and walk away, or die by some miracle. None of those happen as you approach your home. Turning to her with tired eyes and a sense of desperation, you interrupt her rant about how she should move in with you.

"Lyler…"

"I’M CONSTIPATED," she says excitedly.

"What can I do to have you leave me alone?"

She brightens up and begins hopping up and down.

"EAT COOKIE."

She hands you a plate of green cookies with green frosting.

"Why?"

Her tone becomes a little more caring.

"I SOWWY ABOUT CAKE FARTING."

You look down at the cookies. They did look delicious. You also haven't eaten all day. I mean, shit man. Free cookies.

Grabbing a cookie, the scent wafts up to you. They smell like they just came out of the oven. How does this mare do it? Taking a bite, your mouth erupts with the amazing taste of mint and pure happiness. You begin to shove them into your mouth at an alarming rate. These are the greatest thing you have ever eaten.

"That... was... amazing."

“MORE TOMORROW. I LOVE YOU. DON’T DIE."

You watch the mare bounce off into the distance.

So began the new routine. Instead of sexual harassment, Lyler would bring you cookies every day. Every day you would ask what was in the cookies, and why they are so good. Her simple answer was always "SEQUET!" and she would bounce off.

Your life became obsessed about the cookies. You must know how they are made. Soon, baking different cookie recipes and experimenting on cookies are your only occupation. After several months, and countless failed attempts, you have decided that you will do the only reasonable thing you can do to figure out the recipe. Stalk her.

The sun slowly sets over the horizon as you look into the windows of the home of Lyra and Lyler. If you bide your time long enough, you may be able to watch her make the cookies. Hours pass and just as you are about to fall asleep, the lights of the kitchen turn on. Straightening back up, you peek back into the kitchen to see Lyler gathering ingredients.

Flower, milk, eggs, sugar. Yes... this is the moment you have been waiting for. She begins to mix all the ingredients together, while humming a happy tune. Once the mixture is completed, she preheats the oven and... puts the bowl on the floor.

What is this crazy mare doing? It doesn't matter. You must learn her secret.

Getting out a tray to cook the sweets on, she pulls a chair up to the bowl. She sits on the chair, facing the window and looks directly outside. Ducking down, you try to make sure she can't see you. Slowly peeking back in, you see Lyler fondling herself with closed eyes and gritted teeth.

No. There is no way.

She increases her pace, and you hear stifled moans floating out the window.

Does she know that you are right here? Her body straightens and she lets out a loud moan as she begins to release thick, green cum directly into the bowl. Your gut clenches and you feel sick to your stomach. She smiles as she begins to release a trail of yellow mixture into the batter. You fall to the ground as you begin to lose your stomach.

Those cookies. Two months. Oh god.

"THEY WILL BE DONE SOON," Lyler screams through the window.

"You knew I was here?!" you yell back.

"YES!"

"WAS THIS PART OF YOUR PLAN?"

"OF COURSE!" she yells.

"That's it. I'm fucking done with you today, you yell.

You leap through the window and stomp up to her.

"WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!"

"BECAUSE I'M RANDUMB, ANERN!"

"No. You're not random. You're just stupid."

"NO YOU."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. YOU WANT TO SEE RANDOM AND STUPID? I'LL SHOW YOU RANDOM AND STUPID. I'LL BE BACK. THIS IS WAR."

You rush out of the house and sprint directly to Rarity's boutique. You kick the door down with maximum prejudice and walk directly up to Rarity's cat.

"Rarity, I'm taking your pussy by force and there's nothing you can do about it."

The unicorn stares at you as you lift the cat up by the sides and Opal looks up at you powerlessly. You exit the boutique and run back to your home.

Once you get inside your home, you slam the door behind you and pull a huge blue button out of your pocket.

"Are you ready for this Opal?"

"Meeeooow?" Rarity's pet mews, thoroughly confused and about as lost as the reader at this point.

You don't understand cat, but you are fairly sure that's yes.

"I've always loved this house..."

You smash that motha fuckin like button! The house emits a loud siren and begins to shake the earth. The house begins to twist and turn, and become smaller. Wheels begin to appear on the sides of your home, and the gutters form tracks for the wheels. A large barrel protrudes from the outside of the house, as your house begins to become the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

"Cause it's built like a fucking tank."

Opal stares at you.

"What?"

The two of you climb into the massive weapon and into the cockpit.

"Alright you fucking abomination to Equestria, time to show you who's boss. FORWARD."

Opal looks around at the control panel then puts her paw on a button with a little mouse on it. Your tank-home charges forward towards Lyler's home as a devilish smile curls on your face.

"Opal! Load the cannon!"

Opal lies on her back and plays with a cat tail, purring happily. The perfect ally. Without her you would have never been able to get this far. A large cannonball loads itself into the barrel of your tank as the two of your approach the home.

Ahead lies the enemy. The fucking seafoam green unicorn herself. Lyler the Lynchlord. Rumor has it that she's so tough, that she birthed a cactus. She provided the Flutterbat a whole new level of asskicking. They say she once killed a bear in less than three seconds. Bare handed.

As fearsome and ferocious as she is, you're on a whole different level. You've been in countless second person stories. You've endured her bullshit for months. And, most importantly, you have a motha-fuckin tank.

"Get rekt, scrub. OPAL. FIRE!"

The tank launches the large metal ball towards Lyler, but she steps to the side, dodging the attack with ease.

"WHAT?"

You blink, and she disappears. The tank barrels towards the home as you scan the horizon for the enemy. A tap on your left shoulder causes you to reel back. Lyler sits behind you, with a smile, and a large package of C4. She hops out of the top hatch.

"OH FUC-"

The tank explodes, sending you flying out of the machine, and on top of Lyler, who is trying to open the front door of her home. Scrambling to your feet with a broken rib, you grab the horse by the tail.

Pulling out a pistol, you smile to yourself.

"Now I fucking have you. You're mine. This is it. I'm fucking done with you. No more Lyler adventures. No more gross jokes about feces. No more of your shit to put up with. I WIN. I FINALLY FUCKING WIN."

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

The door to the home bursts open.

Lyra takes step after careful step out of her home, her brow furrowed and serious.

"Anon. Let go of my sister."

You point the pistol at Lyler's head.

"Don't test me, Lyra. I'll do it."

"I don't think so," Lyra says with a smile.

You feel tap to your back. You look behind you, finding your cat compadre holding an AK-47 directly at the center of your spine.

"Et tu, Opalescence?"

"Meow," her voice now stern and serious.

"Now then... why don't you come into my home, and we can negotiate terms of your surrender."

You growl under your breath.

"Maybe after that, we can decide how my sister can properly win this 'Random War,'" Lyra says.

You drop your weapon and raise your hands in the air. Putting one foot in front of the other, you walk into Lyra's home, Opalescence and Lyler following behind you. Once the door closes, Lyler dawns her signature dorky grin.

"I WIN, ANERN," she says happily.

You take two steps back away from your captors.

"Oh, we're not done yet. I can still win this random war," you say.

Lyra laughs as Opal fixes her aim on you.

"And just how do you plan on doing that?" Lyra asks.

"Like... this!"

You jump leap out of the window and sprint into town. You begin shedding clothing as you spot a yellow pegasus in the distance.

"Fluttershy! COME HERE!"

The mare looks to you, then pauses in place.

"U-uhm, Anon? What's going-"

She stutters once you shed your pants down to your heart shaped boxers.

"O-oh. I've dreamed about this day for-"

"CLOTHESHANGER, BITCH!"

Holding out your arm, you close the distance and prepare yourself for the greatest destruction of your life. She ducks, causing you to miss knocking her head clean off.

"Fuck."

You continue into town, trying to act like that was what you wanted to happen. You jump through the window of Sugarcube corner, because now you are a ninja.

You and Pinkie lock eyes.

"Fight!" you scream.

Pinkie begins to throw knives at your location, as you dodge roll to your worthy opponent. When she runs out of knives, the two of you leap in the air towards each other. Initiate your battle cry.

"ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!"

Stupid ponies. They can only throw rock. The two of you throw your choices. You proudly display paper.

Pinkie Pie's hoof has contorted into a pair of scissors.

What? Shit. Retreat!

Running out of the bakery, Pinkie shouts after you.

"Same time tomorrow, Anon?"

As you sprint in a new direction, you realize shedding your clothes probably wasn't a smart idea. It's way too cold out here. Time to get clothes. Time to harass Rarity more. You smash through the window of Carousel Boutique because fuck doors.

"Anon! What in Equestria are you doing?"

"MARSHMALLOWS CAN'T TALK!"

She stares at you inquisitively. You throw a t-shirt and jeans into the air. Gracefully you jump into the air to clothe yourself in slow time. Your slow time powers fail you, as you land on top of your clothes face first.

"Shit."

Rarity only stares at you.

"Rare, can you help me here?"

She sighs deeply. Using her magic, she suspends the clothing in midair, and you dress yourself using a backflip.

"THANKS!"

You sprint towards the door. Grabbing the handle, you stop in your tracks.

"Oh, and I'll fix the window tomorrow. Opal is with Lyra. Today has been a little bit of an off day for me. My bad."

"I understand, Anon. Everypony has their days," she says with a sigh.

You open the door widely and gently close it. You backflip to Twilight's Home in a frenzy and body slam the door open. The unexpected noise causes Twilight to lose focus mid-spell as she tries to light millions of tiny candles. Her horn erupts with energy and shoots magic high into the sky and across the land of Equestria, engulfing it into flame.

Meanwhile in Canterlot, Princess Celestia looks down upon a kingdom erupted in flame. Ponies screams and cries can be heard across the land. She sighs and turns away from the vision of death and destruction.

"I always knew it would come to this," she says placidly.

Celestia pours wine into a crystal goblet with her magic.

"Might as well make this quick."

She downs the wine in a single gulp, and uses all of her might to hurl the sun into her dying kingdom.

In that moment, the world of ponies was no more. Today was an off kind of day, but at least you won the random war. You destroyed the world. Good job.