Countryballs go to Equestria: Chapter 1: Americaball

a story by steam66

Note: Countryball and MLP is not mine.

America awoke with a start. The four-foot tall American-flag-adorned sphere confusedly looked around. The first thing the living embodiment of capitalism noticed was that his totally awesome black shades were missing, and that he didn’t have any burgers on him, nor a weapon. This made America feel insecure- for the first time in his 239 year lifespan he didn’t have burgers and/or firearms. A rustling to a nearby bush alerted him. The countryball spun on its axis- no, its BOTTOM, Axis is for dirty Nazis- to spot a yellow-and-pink horse creature, tentatively looking at him as if it would bolt on a moment’s notice. The words came naturally out of America’s completely nonexistent yet somehow functioning mouth.

“Where is the nearest McDonalds and gun shop? For that matter, who are you and where can you make me burgers for minimum wage?” America inquired. The horse cocked its head in a quizzical manner.

“I-I don’t understand what you mean…” the horse-thing squeaked.

“Where is the president of wherever this is, and where is his burgers?” America asked, becoming slightly frustrated.

“There’s no president… we have princesses.” the saccharine animal squeaked once more. Horrified at the prospect of a non-democracy, America pulled an RPG out of seemingly nowhere (somewhere a good writer died of a heart attack; his last word was “KURWA!”) and vaporized the horse-cow-pony-thing. America promptly cut a chunk of finely cooked meat out of the charred corpse’s tatooed flank and proceeded to eat it with burger buns and ketchup, all of which he had carefully stored in one of his left-front-quarter stripes of FREEDOM.

“Ahh…. haven’t had a burger in 15 minutes!” America contentedly said to himself. He promptly started trekking (actually more of a bouncing motion) toward the large, ornate city in the distance, intent on showing these diarc- HORRIBLE DICTATORS please don’t shoot me CIAball  some FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY.

15 minutes later (and a fair share of “WHERE IS THE MCDONALDS?!”)

A Royal Guardspony burst into Celestia’s throne room. The look on his face spelled imminent danger.

“What is the issue, loyal guard?” Celestia asked, her ethereal mane flowing in nonexistent wind.

“There’s.. a thing coming for yo-” The guard was vaporized mid-sentence by America’s FREEDOM LAUNCHER, the RPG’s name ornately painted on the side in charred pony meat taped to it in just the right way to form words. America’s glasses inexplicably appeared as he pulled out an absurdly large atomic bomb (the news was confounded about why so many writers were dying after uttering Polish words of discontent) and gave the most BADASS, NOT-CRAPPY, NOT-OVERUSED one liner EVER:

“FREEDOM, HAPPINESS, AND MCDONALDS!” Before Celestia could react America leaped through the air, placing himself astride the bomb, which began slowly falling toward Celestia while eagles screamed and an entire orchestra of burgers appeared playing a chorus of pure FREEDOM. Celestia stood for all the 30 seconds it took for the bomb to land standing still, mouth in inconsolable horror, mind never realizing once to take two steps aside. Luna popped her head into the chamber, drunk as a lord for whatever reason, just before a mass influx of guards, ready to defend the diarchy, swamped her into the room.

America, Celestia, and nearly every guard in the room was screaming in horror as the bomb-riding countryball’s atomic weapon inched closer to Celestia in her throne. Luna, still holding her bottle of Scrumpy, was the only to speak:

“Man, I-i wish I had more a’ this stuhf suh-so I could…culd drink it, ya know?”

At that moment the bomb lightly tapped Celestia’s nose and detonated, levelling the majority of Canterlot and leaving a certain countryball, obese from all the FREEDOM he just absorbed, floating over where Canterlot once was perched. He only had time to utter a curse (and think he heard an author screaming in Polish) before he fell. Fortunately, he had Plot Armo- I mean FREEEDOOM on his side, and the absorbed EAGLES AND FREEDOM energy cushioned the countryball’s fall.

America looked over the land, content that he had given it freedom. Suddenly he realized something: his burgers were in the oven at home! America promptly opened a hole in the ground and jumped in on his way home, although for some reason he hadn’t done so for the length of the fanfic. As he ate his charred burgers at his comfy AMERICAN FARM HOUSE, he could swear he heard a mass of writers backflip off a cliff.

The End

propaganda commissioned by the CIA, there is no DIRTY COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA in this story, HOW DARE YOU challenge FREEDOM!