God created ponies like He created man: unashamed of their nakedness. Apparently He prefers his children that way. Well, after a while, He must have made up His mind what to do about the whole situation. A flood was off-limits, but the Lord has a lawyer’s sense of humor….

The first part was getting the ponies to calm down.

“Don’t do anything that can make it hard for you to speak to or listen to each other,” Twilight said. “That means we need to be calm.”

“Calm?” Applejack shouted. “Calm? A dragon burst out of your treehouse, nearly ate Rainbow Dash, could’ve gotten Pinkie Pie and any of the fillies, set my orchards on fire, and it, uh—“ she glanced at Fluttershy, who hadn’t quite stopped crying yet.

“You can say it,” she sniffled.

“And…and…gave Fluttershy a good scare,” Applejack mumbled.

“Yes, and that’s why we need to be calm. Dragons are beasts of externalities, and they feed on strife.”

“If it’s an economic problem, let’s just get the Elements and give that dragon the old Friendship Beam,” Rainbow Dash said. “Like we did for Nightmare Moon.”

“The Elements combine to create a highly optimized price vector,” Twilight said, a little sourly.

“Yeah, whatever. A Friendship Beam, like I said.”

“But first we have to get our hands on those beautiful scales of his,” Rarity said. Her hoofs flew to her mouth. “I mean, uh—as vengeance, of course.”

“I don’t want revenge,” Fluttershy hiccuped. “I just want the dragon to go away.”

Twilight looked up. The black smoke was thicker now, even though it was coming from farther away, and it was spreading.

“If it’s just a dragon, Princess Celestia can deal with it,” Pinkie Pie said. “She’s gotta know by now.”

“I’m sure she does,” Twilight said, just as Spike let out a burst of green flame. Twilight caught the letter with her magic and unfolded it. She read it out loud to the other ponies.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Yikes! If I’m not mistaken, that black smoke spreading from the west belongs to a dragon. Dragons are beasts of externalities, so it’s very important that you and your friends stay calm and learn to speak and listen to each other as you venture forth to defeat it.

“Wait, why do we have to do it?” Rainbow Dash said.

I’m very busy making preparations for the Grand Galloping Gala, which will be Grander and more Galloping than ever. I cannot wait to see you and your Sisters there.

“She’s preparing for a Gala?” Applejack said, incredulous.

“You have sisters?” Pinkie Pie said, even more so.

Twilight waved a hoof. “They’re even worse than my brother, if you can believe it.”

That dragon which emerged, if I’m not mistaken, from the Golden Oak Tree you were staying at, is called Niddhog. Dragons slept through the Snow, but it is written that they are crafty and devious beasts, in addition to being huge, immensely physically and magically powerful, capable of super fast flight, and able to breathe fire hot enough to melt steel. So be careful!

Best of luck (Can’t wait for the Gala!),

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don’t try the Elements of Equilibrium, they won’t work.

“Well, that’s that,” Twilight said. “We’ll go find that dragon and slay it, and we’ll have to do it the hard way.” She set the letter aside and smiled at her friends, who were all staring at her like she had sprouted wings.

“She’s preparing for some dumb old Gala?”

“What do you mean, do it the hard way? Why can’t we use the Elements? That Friendship Beam was awesome!”

“It’s not a dumb old Gala, Applejack!”

“It is too, Rarity!”

“You have sisters?”

“Calm down!” Twilight said.

Rainbow Dash went on speaking while Rarity and Applejack glowered at each other. “How are we going to fight a dragon anyway? I had to break Newton 6[1] just to get away! If it gets its hoofs—claws, whatever—on any of you, your goose is cooked!” She glanced at Fluttershy. “Oh, uh, no, I didn’t mean—“

[1]Like Mach 6, but measured in rainbows.

Fluttershy began to cry again.

Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash made sure their little sis—uh, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were well-taken care of before the Bearers and Twilight had to leave to slay a dragon.

“Don’t worry, I’m looking after them,” Granny Smith said. “Apple Bloom, Scootasomething, and, uh, Rarity Junior are safe with me.”

“Okay bye!” Sweetie Belle said.

Applejack grimaced as the three fillies started pushing them to the door. “It’ll be real dangerous and we might all get roasted, so I just wanted to let you know that you’ll be all right—“

“The market will protect us,” Apple Bloom said. “Bye now!”

By collective effort the fillies had the older ponies nearly out the door.

“Don’t get into trouble, you three,” Rarity said. “And Sweetie Belle, I still expect you to work on the dresses in the…I mean, to play in the basement with all your toys.”

“Give the dragon a wallop for me,” Scootaloo said to Rainbow Dash. “But don’t be surprised if that dragon is beat before you even get there.”

“What are you talking about?” Rainbow Dash said.

The fillies gave each other conspiratorial looks. “Nothing a neoclassical pony needs to know about.”

“Just don’t get into any hijinks,” Applejack said, and then Scootaloo managed to slam the door shut.

Apple Bloom dashed to the bed and pulled Pony Action out from underneath. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo joined her around the ancient tome, and together they spoke as one.

“If Ludmilla von Mises was the last Knight of Friendship, then we are…the Austrian Crusaders!”

“What’s Austria?” Granny Smith said.

“We don’t know!”

There was one train that traveled one track from east to west across the whole of Equestria. It wrapped three times around the mountains on either side. No pony remembered why.

The windows were all closed to keep the smoke out. It was getting thicker as they neared Appleloosa. Outside, Twilight knew, Fluttershy’s giant and still growing sky serpent flew overhead, and a Cerberus ran beside the tracks. Twilight wondered how they were dealing with the smoke. Rarity’s parasprite kept to her shoulder, which helped Rainbow Dash, who was having a hard time with Fluttershy. Tank seemed faintly embarrassed by the whole thing, insofar as Twilight could read the tortoise’s face.

And Pinkie Pie…Twilight hadn’t let her bring the entire Everfree Forest (“It’s not fair! Everypony else gets to bring their pets!”), so Pinkie Pie had brought a sapling from the forest named Bloomberg in a pot. So far it wasn’t moving much, but Twilight was already sure it was a few inches taller than when the train had started.

They didn’t need to worry about anypony being terrified by a giant dog or having their minds read by a tiny bug-like demon. Twilight, as CEE of the Ponyville Daughter, had commandeered the train, and they were riding it alone toward the mountain. She reasoned that ponies would have flooded off the train anyway once they got a sight of the giant snake flying over it, and besides, who wanted to go west when the sky was full of noxious smoke? She had also decided that what they were doing was important enough that they didn’t need to bother buying tickets.

And even though the train was empty, they were all in her cabin, for some reason.

Twilight’s hoof pointed to the western mountain on the map.

“Hark Mountain,” she said to the stuffy cabin full of ponies. “That must be where the dragon is.”

“Why would he be on a mountain?” Spike asked.

“Dragons like high places,” Twilight said. “That’s what my books say. And everypony knows jewels and gold are hidden in mountains, and dragons want nothing more than a hoard of shiny things.”

“Oh,” Spike said.

“Jewels and gold?” Rarity gasped. “And, ah, what are the rules exactly, haha, in terms of ownership? I mean, surely once we vanquish the terrible creature….”

“Rarity, will you stop worrying about your jewels?” Applejack grumbled. “You’ll take what you want, as usual.”

“Oh, excuse me!” Rarity said. “Applejack, I thought you of all ponies might want to, ah, enjoy the fruits of our victory, seeing as how your orchards burned!”

“Tain’t right to speak such a way,” Applejack said. “Hain’t finished grieving yet.”

“For your trees?” Twilight said, still examining the map. “That’s very interesting.”

Pinkie Pie laughed. “Trees aren’t ponies.” She patted the sapling reassuringly.

“Nopony said they were,” Rainbow Dash said. Fluttershy mumbled something.

“We could bring some trees back from Appleloosa,” Applejack said. “That’s the town right by Hark Mountain. My cousin Braeburn will give us a tree from their orchard—after all, I gave one to them.”

The train rumbled on.

A year ago Twilight had been on the same train to a dumpy town full of hicks to stop an ancient evil reborn. It had led her to manage oddest NGDP Targeting Festival she could remember, a harrowing journey through the dark Everfree Forest[2], and eventually to a meeting with Princess Celestia’s dark sister, Nightmare Moon. Somewhere along the way to saving the world, she had made friends.

[1] No matter how much Pinkie Pie insisted the Everfree Forest was really good deep down[2], Twilight could never quite shake the feeling that the dragon would have done them all a favor by torching it instead.

What calamity would happen to her next? A coltfriend?

[2]“At its roots!” Pinkie Pie would say, and laugh.

Ugh, no. She was too busy, and besides, it was one victory she didn’t want Princess “Notevil Goodpony” to have.

“Why are you sweating so much?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Can everypony just leave me alone for a while to think and plan?” Twilight said. “We’re hours yet to Appleloosa anyway, so go to your own rooms.”

“Everyone,” Fluttershy said.

“What?”

“You said ‘everypony,’” Fluttershy said quietly. “There are critters who aren’t ponies. You’re being exclusionary and making other critters feel lesser. Check your privilege.”

“Fluttershy,” Applejack said kindly, “there ain’t any other kind of critter here but pony.”

“There's the parasprite and Tank.”

"The parasprite's a demonic hellspawn, and Tank is...Tank."

Twilight looked up from her map, intrigued by the technical point. “Ponies aren’t critters.”

“How dare you?”

Twilight had never heard Fluttershy shout before. It wasn’t a good sound. She literally couldn’t do it—her voice cracked up, broke down. Twilight worried she would choke.

“Ponies have mistreated and oppressed critters for years!” Fluttershy said, or at least that was the closest to a coherent sentence Twilight could make of an intermittent series of squeaks and sobs.

“No we haven’t.” Twilight turned back to her map. “Could I have some privacy, please? I need to figure out how to slay a dragon.”

“What privilege?” Pinkie Pie said.

“You don’t even know,” Fluttershy said. “That’s what it is.”

“What what is?”

“That.”

“Fluttershy, what are you even talking about?” Rainbow Dash said. “Want to go to another cabin and help me with this puzzle?”

“What puzzle?” Twilight said.

“No puzzle. Just a thing. Say, how do you model the whole economy?”

“Carefully.”

“Right. Fluttershy?”

“It’s the last thing Mr. Cow told me to do!”

Fluttershy stormed out of the cabin, or tried to. The effect was diminished somewhat by her unwillingness to push the five ponies between her and the door out of the way or to demand that anypony move. Gradually they picked up on her intention and made space for her to exit.

The door closed behind her.

“I’m going to be so rich,” Rarity said.

Finally Twilight was alone.

“So…dragons,” Spike said.

“Uh-huh.”

“Big, grown-up dragons.”

“Yup.”

Twilight rolled up the map and took out a book on dragon lore. Apparently dragons had a vulnerable part, but it could only be struck by manipulating probability so that the odds of striking it were exactly a million to one. Twilight had a whole bevy of probability spells at her disposal, but there had to be a better way.

“So where did I come from?” Spike blurted.

Twilight looked at his worried face. Realization dawned like Princess Celestia after a long night spent reading Twilight’s copious notes, that is, slowly. “Oh, Spike, you don’t have to worry,” she said. “You’re not evil.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“You came from an egg, like all dragons. Princess Celestia gave you to me when you were little—“

“Why?”

Twilight opened her mouth and realized the truth, which she could never tell Spike.

Because the best econopony has a firebeast partner. Princess Celestia has the phoenix, Philomena, and I have you.

“Spike, Princess Celestia is old and mysterious even to me,” Twilight sighed. “Maybe she just wanted to make sure the last dragon was well-cared for.”

“Nopony told me I was supposed to live in a mountain with a hoard of gold and jewels.”

“You’re not. Your life is your own to decide. Do you think anypony told me to become an econopony? Ha! My brother wanted me to be his backup singer. His backup singer, Spike!”

Spike’s gaze turned intense. “What happens when I get older? When I get bigger—I saw how huge Niddhog is! Where will I live, what will I do?”

“Wherever you are happy, whatever you want to do. I’ll move heav—I’ll move the earth from my position at the Daughter to ensure it.”

“And I’m supposed to come up this mountain with you and watch you slay a dragon?”

Twilight thought of the million-to-one plan. She sighed and pushed away the book on dragon lore. “It’s not as easy as you make it sound.”

Spike was silent for a while. Twilight decided to wait and listen.

“Dragons are externality beasts You said that earlier. What does it mean?”

“Nothing. I shouldn’t have said that. I just mean that dragons make a lot of smoke when they don’t take into account other ponies’ feelings.”

“Princess Celestia said it too. I’m an externality beast.”

“You’re my assistant.”

“I don’t always mind other ponies. Maybe I just haven’t grown into my externality yet, like this stubby tail.” Spike thumped it against the floor. Somehow, he had always felt that his tail should be, well, bigger, especially when Rarity was around.

“You are an individual, and you can choose. Nightmare Moon is a pony, and look what she did.”

“If I turn evil, take me down.”

“I will.”

“I know. That’s why Princess Celestia trusts you with so much.”

Twilight hoofed Spike a piece of rock candy. He nibbled on it, and Twilight read another book on dragon lore until the train crashed.

Twilight struggled out of the wreckage of the cabin. She didn’t quite know if she was going up or to the side. All that she knew was every part of her body and mind was in full accord: out was the goal, and the details could be worked out later.

She touched Spike and concentrated. A second later, she had taken the derivative to the top of the carriage, which appeared as a flash of lavender light. The smoke was thick enough that the sun wasn't as bright as it should have been. Twiligh looked to her left, and noticed the giant pile of rocks sitting in the middle of the train tracks, and looked to her right and saw a stampede of buffaloes charging toward the train, and back to her left because where did those rocks come from and then right because ahh buffaloes and then left-right-down-panic because what happened to my friends.

Twilight had just seized with her magic most of the smashed-up wood covering their former carriage when it flew up. An orange leg grabbed hold of the ledge, and Applejack emerged a moment later, Rarity slung over her shoulder. The parasprite flitted around them both, Applejack biting at it instinctively.

“Rarity, you can get off me now,” Applejack said to Rarity, who was clinging to her neck tightly.

“Oh, I beg your pardon, dear Applejack. I was only slightly frazzled by the train crash, you see.” Laughing uncomfortably, Rarity slid off the amused-looking Applejack and landed shakily on her hoofs.

Pinkie Pie’s pink legs appeared above the hole, waving, and then lowered, like she was jumping up and down. Twilight levitated her out, potted plant and all.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were last, flying out of the hole and landing beside them. Rainbow Dash’s wing was bleeding, and she set Tank down by her hoofs. Fluttershy was staring at the sight by the tracks.

The Cerberus’s three mouths were bloody, and buffaloes lay at her feet. A giant sky serpent flew in the air, casting her enormous shadow over the stampede.

“Forget the train!” Applejack shouted at the Cerberus. “Fluttershy, get your snake and get us out of here!”

Fluttershy was screaming at the serpent, her voice too weak and hoarse to carry. The sky serpent rose higher and higher, circling almost lazily, like a fish in a pond on a hot summer day.

Then she became to plummet like the the money supply one year ago. The sky serpent’s body fell toward the buffalo, her long tail sweeping through the air, intent on crushing them.

Twilight watched the earth rise around the buffaloes. It formed, molded like clay in a pony’s hoofs. The sky serpent slammed into at least two solid feet of rock. She was flung back, thrashing, her underscales scraped and discolored.

Fluttershy was crying again, little more than a hair-covered, water-leaking squeak. Twilight felt oddly like slapping her.

The buffaloes charged. The Cerberus roared, spitting giant flecks of drool and blood. Rainbow Dash tried to take to the air and tumbled across the rubble. Twilight’s horn flared, firing a vector in the positive orthant between the lead buffalo, a thick, dark-haired thing that looked almost twice as big as any other buffalo, and the growling Cerberus. More than a fundamental mathematical idea, the vector was purple-y and magical and strong enough to punch a hole in the ground, which it did.

“Enough!” Twilight shouted, using a scalar to magnify her voice. “I am Twilight Sparkle, Chief Executive Economist of the Daughter of Ponyville and (unofficial) heir to Princess Celestia’s throne! Buffaloes, what is the meaning of this?”

Twilight saw in the midst of the temporarily halted stampede a smaller buffalo than all the rest scribbling furiously on the ground. There was a horrible wrenching noise to her right, and Twilight saw something green dotted with red like a bush painted with the Cerberus’s bloody slobber explode out of the middle of the train. Twilight, utterly flabbergasted, took a moment to realize it was an apple tree.

“Buy some apples!” Applejack exclaimed.

“All ponies lie!” the little buffalo shouted. The rest of the buffaloes roared and stamped their hoofs. “We acknowledge the rule of the Alicorn Sisters no more!”

“Alicorn Sisters?” Twilight said.

“You didn’t know she has a sister?” Pinkie Pie said. “Nightmare Moon, silly!”

“No, Pinkie, that’s not what I….“ Twilight facehoofed.

“Take the remnants of your train and go back to Canterlot!” the little buffalo said. “The buffaloes who have fallen here”—Twilight flinched, but the little buffalo went right on talking—“were honorable and brave warriors. We demand no recompense, only that the ponies leave our lands.”

“We are here to slay a dragon,” Twilight said. “And…your, uh, your….”

“I can help you bury them,” Fluttershy gasped.

“A likely story!” the little buffalo shouted. “We know of the Sisters and their giant monsters! Cerberuses, giant serpents, and likely yon dragon as well! Princess Celestia heard of our victories against the Appleloosans”—Twilight realized the little buffalo was speaking to temporarily halted stampede as much as to her while Applejack again recommended the purchase of her trademark product—“and sent these ponies, and the dragon as a spy, to force us out of our home with its smoke.”

“Dragons don’t just do whatever ponies say,” Spike muttered.

“But we buffaloes drove it up Hark Mountain to hide, just like we will drive these ponies out of our lands!”

This was seven kinds of crazy and totally out of control. Twilight needed something to interrupt the insanity before the buffaloes did something she was going to have to make them regret.

“I am Tank, Tortoise Queen,” said a voice. It took Twilight a moment to realize it was coming from the tortoise standing near Fluttershy. The buffaloes looked baffled as well. Twilight wondered if they had ever seen a tortoise before. “We too acknowledge no Alicorn masters.”

“Uh, what?” Twilight said.

Tank waved a slow claw at her. “Chief Thunderhooves, if I am not mistaken.”

The enormous buffalo at the front bowed. “Queen Tank.”

“You misapprehend the purpose of this expedition. I demand that you remove this barrier to our journey and assist us in our travel to the base of Hark Mountain. In return, I shall give my blessing over your dead. I have seven magicks, none of which are known to you buffalo, and your dead will benefit from at least six of them.”

“Not the ponies.”

“Fine. Me, the Cerberus, the sky serpent, the parasprite, the young dragon, and the sapling from the Everfree Forest will travel through your lands without their masters.”

Chief Thunderhooves hesitated. “That is not what I meant.”

“No? You mean to deny me passage?” Tank’s jaw snapped unpleasantly. “Whatever shall the Alligator Baroness think of the hospitality of the even-toed ungulates?”

“Uh, no, that is, I—“

“And Twilight Sparkle is the world’s best economist. Whatever your problem is with the Appleloosan ponies, she can solve it.”

"Second best," Twilight said quickly. "And yeah, I think I already have an idea of what’s going on. It’s a simple fix, really.”

“Ponies lie!” the little buffalo shouted. Something red, crystallic, glinted on her chest.

“Quiet, Little Strongheart,” Chief Thunderhooves said.

“Little Strongheart?” Rainbow Dash pulled herself out of the pile of smashed-up wood and joined Tank. “I’m Rainbow Dash of the Equestrian Puzzle Club! Are you the daughter of Big Strongheart?”

To Twilight’s astonishment, the belligerent little buffalo gave a gasp of recognition and colored red. “Uhhh…well, not exactly….” Next Chapter: Exploring the Hypothesis Space Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 8 Minutes