Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

First published 24th of January, 2015

Celestia writes some blunt letters to her faithful student and friends.

Letters. Everyone writes them, and they're not just for ponies. Be they carriers of serious news, friendly correspondence between pen pals, or declarations of heart and heartbreak, each one is written with a clear purpose or goal in mind.

Celestia uses them to try and keep her faithful student and friends in line, and try to keep an unbalanced world on the straight and narrow.

This is much harder than it sounds.

~~~

Now with an audio reading by Lady Tenkage!

Side Stories:

Old-Fashioned Bar Hoppers, featuring Celestia, Mayor Mare, and Granny Smith shenanigans.
Journal of an Adolescent Clone, featuring Sunny and Moony shenanigans since Season 5.

Friendship is Freedom, Part 1

My faithful student,

I appreciate your concerns about the Summer Sun celebration, but seriously, what makes you think I didn't know about this? I know when I sent my sister to the moon, so the fact that you assume I don't by bringing this up insults me on a rather surprising level.

Twilight, who do you think cleared that information to be put in that book in the first place: me, or Starswirl? Because it's hard to believe somepony just pulled it out of their arse on a whim... unless they did, which is crazy coincidental. Either way, I know of this all the same.

I do not have the spotty memory of janitor Jenkins. Yes, I'm busy, but that doesn't mean my memory is garbage. You speak to a ruler over a millenium old; you would do well to remember this fact instead of jumping to conclusions like you always do.

Oh, and I'm booting you out of the castle indefinitely while I sort out this prophecy you felt the need to remind me of. You know, for... safety reasons. You'll go to Ponyville for your stay; I've already made the suitable arrangements with Mayor Mare. It's a treehouse.

So go on out there. Make some friends, learn how the world works outside of books, and for the love of the greater Gods, save your letters for matters of importance I'm NOT aware of. This fire-resistant ink isn't cheap.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Could you please let Spike know that he left his eggshell in my closet... again?

Friendship is Freedom, Part 2

My faithful student,

First and foremost, props to you. I honestly didn't think you'd make five friends in two days. Frankly I think that's suspect, but if you're comfortable with it, I won't object. They seemed nice for the whole five minutes I spent around them anyway.

Secondly, I extend my gratitude to you for purifying my sister while you caught her completely off-guard.

No, really, you have no idea how lucky you are. She would have trashed everything. I know what a thousand years of madness and pent-up anger feels like; she's chucked a rock at me every night since I banished her. Yes, from the moon.

On an unrelated note, we should play Tennis sometime.

Anyway, Luna's readjusting to the new castle as I write this. Thanks to the completely different layout, she's had to ask me where the throne room is about three times already. I've purposely redirected her to different rooms while the craftsponies I hired tonight are throwing together another throne.

She's probably in the kitchen right now. That'll keep her occupied for a good hour or two.

One last thing. Now that the Elements of Harmony are recovered, I humbly ask that they be submitted into my care for safekeeping. I have a vault set up here in Canterlot. In honesty, I don't trust those being out in the open for anyone to steal. Not that I recall any muggers living in Ponyville, but you never know.

I request you do this before your friends become too attached to their superpowered jewelry. The last thing I want is these harmonious artifacts of magic abused for trifling reasons.

The white one might be hardest to pry it from. I suggest you ask her first.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I'm sending Spike's eggshell in this letter. The stench is intolerable, and I won't have my room reek of a dragon's den. He is your responsibility, so take care of him appropriately.

Master of Tickets, Part 1

My faithful student,

My, how time flies. One week since you left Canterlot, and no panicked letter requesting my aid? You must have things under control...or you're resting in a straitjacket. It better not be the latter like last time.

Anyway, it just occurred to me that you might be homesick. I mean, I did send you away from Canterlot rather suddenly and almost without notice, so I hope you squeezed in a goodbye to your parents before you rode that balloon out of town. If not, well, I'm sure you left them a letter or something, right? A post-it note, at least.

But regardless if you did or not, I put a surprise in this letter for you. Enclosed are two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. You know, the big celebration where a ton of noble ponies kiss my hooves until they prune over. One's for you, and another is for a friend you can bring along.

I sent just one extra because I have no idea if those five ponies you made friends with are just acquaintances or the real deal. Yes, I know they helped with Luna, but anyone can be a hero for five minutes. It takes far longer than that to show good friendship.

Choose wisely, Twilight. There's a reason these tickets are golden and not onyx. No, really. Luna's getting some new regalia fitted for her and demanded ALL the black onyx like it grows on gem trees. At this rate I'll need to renegotiate with the Dogs again, and that never goes well.

I'll see you at the Gala. And remember to dress modestly; sticking a ruler and a bookmark in your hair doesn't count as "classy" attire.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Master of Tickets, Part 2

My faithful student,

Your decision to decline the Gala invitation is truly remarkable. You really do believe those five are good enough friends to not want to go at all if even one couldn't go, even though I'm pretty sure they almost came to blows over that one ticket.

I kind of wanted to see that happen, actually. Haven't seen a good scuffle in centuries.

But more importantly, I'm surprised you didn't just ask for more tickets immediately. Yes, I said they were exclusive things, but you're my exclusive student. Remember, there isn't anything wrong with asking, so do that next time you need help.

I've enclosed more tickets so you and all of your friends can attend the Gala. However, my warning still stands about their attire being passable beyond simply throwing objects in their mane. However, the white one is a dress designer, right? Pretty sure that's self-explanatory.

Speaking of her, I'd like you to ask about the Element of Generosity. I received the other five just fine, but that one is still missing. Really hoping she didn't live up to it and just give it away, but I also hope it's not in some less secure safe of hers.

And I mean that. I have wards and extensive locking mechanisms on just the door. Nothing's going to bust through it, much less carry it, cackling away as they ride off into the sunset.

The sooner I get a response on this matter, the better. Ask her and get that element ASAP. I'll be busy with some local Diamond Dogs in the meantime.

I'm not looking forward to the smell.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S.

...Luna, I know you're looking over my shoulder. Stop making dumb faces and get ready for negotiations.

You can put up with the stench! You went a millenium without bathing up there! I'm surprised your return didn't incinerate everyone's nostrils!

No! You WILL go if you want your onyx that badly. I'm not going to suffer this alone, you blueberry pi--

Bucking Apples

Twilight Sparkle,

I just received your first friendship report, and reading it, I'm a bit... confused.

Because I could have sworn I said something in the last letter. Something about it being okay to ask for help? I'm quite certain I put that in, so reading this report feels remarkably redundant.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that Applejack--she's the orange one, right? She learned that important lesson the hard way, I suspect. The Apples were always a bit stubborn, and Granny Smith was no exception.

She's still alive, right? That mare can drink like a champ. And it's been a while, but I think this advice is still sound: stay away from her on Sundays. I mean it. She might be sweet when baked, but she's got a mean bite otherwise.

On that note, could you also let her know I'm free Moonday? Just say, "Pollock's Pub." She'll know where and when.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...No, Luna, you can't come. You have evening court duties.

I will not get you a bottle of Whisker's Whiskey! Do you know how many apology letters I've had to write for your impromptu meteor shower the last time you had that?!

Fine, I'll buy a bottle, but only after your duties are finished. You get one sho--YES, ONE!

Brushing Off Bad Lessons

Dearest Twilight Sparkle,

My most faithful student, your naivete is remarkable.

False friends may exist, but even they can have true friendships until something happens that forces the issue. Until then, that friendship is impossible to differentiate from a true one. This is why I question your friendships and their hasty formation.

Granted, such friends may not treat your other friends too well. But friends of friends don't have to be friends, and that's why everyone has social circles. If I tried introducing some hoity-toity nobles to Cuppa Joe down at his rustic cafe, how do you think they would react?

They nitpicked his beans, so he pissed in their coffee. They praised its salty, earthy flavors as he served me chamomile tea.

I love that guy. Should introduce Luna to him sometime.

So there you go. If you know your friend's a callous witch, it's a good idea to not bring them around anything that will irritate them.

Like Pinkie.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, want to go out for coffee?

Yes, I promise it's decaf... and won't have milk or sugar in it.

Fine! Luna, I solemnly state that I will not mess with your coffee the entire time we’re there.

Boasting is Bad, Buster

Twilight Sparkle,

Isn't your talent... magic? Like, just being really good at magic? I have to confirm this, because reading this report implies that you didn't want to use it at one point to help your friends.

Twilight, how often do you see a grounded Pegasus who put restraints on their wings just so they can't fly, or refuse to push a cloud for fear of a static shock? Do you see Earth ponies not doing... whatever it is they should be doing? How about Unicorns actually grasping a teacup in their hooves?

My point is you shouldn't be afraid to use your magic, even for trivial things. My mane would be a nightmare to brush if I didn't use magic, for example. I'm serious, I tried it without magic once. Scared near half the maids and guards in the castle that day.

Don't try it yourself. I don't want to hear about another Nightmane incident.

Speaking of incidents, I received a report earlier this evening about an Ursa Minor that appeared in Ponyville. I assume you handled that? Because if not, that means I'll have to come down there.

You don't want that to happen.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, don't touch my hair.

Yes, I know we brushed each other's manes before, but you always put glitter in mine. You know how I hate gli--

I get to put ribbons in yours? Really?

...I'll think about it.

Dragons aren't Shy, Part 1

My faithful student,

I write to you on this occasion regarding the smoke coming from Ponyville. I'd assumed it was another Apple barn burning down, but judging from the color and smell, that is not the case.

It belongs to a sleeping dragon.

Now, I'm not surprised a dragon nested in that mountain. That spot has always been trouble as all sorts of dragons have nested there before, usually in preparation for the migration. Still, we're trying to discourage that by blocking the cave, but every time we've plugged up the entrance, a new dragon would show up and just casually knock the boulders aside before settling in.

On that note, apologies on any damages from the rockslide that probably occurred prior. I'm sending some guards and foremares over there, and they'll be sure to double up the rocks, and add some cement in there.

Until they arrive, DO NOT do anything rash or excitable. This is not a mission, just a stern warning. Treat this creature with the utmost respect and leave it alone. I don't want you to turn it into another fiasco like the time I took you to their mating grounds.

I had to write a letter filled with so many "sorry"s and apologies my horn cramped thanks to your idle comment about inadequate size. It didn't help my letter was longer than that either, but you left me no choice.

Stay safe, my student, and STAY AWAY from that dragon.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Dragons aren't Shy, Part 2

Twilight Sparkle,

I'm beginning to wonder if you actually read my letters, or your eyeballs just glaze over, twisting and turning my words into something I didn't say like a paparazzi pony. Does most of this letter just look like a giant page of ellipses to you?

Whatever the case, you visited the dragon and corrected the problem without causing another incident due to one of your friends. I... ugh, thank you for this.

In case you didn't pick up on the context in my last letter, we're dealing with the remnants of the dragon smoke right now in Canterlot. Pegasi are pushing it away from the city as I write this, beating their wings as fast as they can.

Luna's being far more effective, though. Her shouting blasts the smoke away in massive clouds. "BEGONE, FUMES OF FUNK AND FOULNESS! AWAY WITH THEE, CURSED CLOUDS OF CALAMITY!" are a few choice lines. She's having too much fun with this, but the clouds are redirecting towards the Badlands thanks to her chords of steel, so I can't complain.

That probably won't have any negative repercussions outside of ruining everyone's hearing in town for a week or so. That includes mine, and I'm wearing earmuffs. Be lucky you're not here right now.

Ah, yes, one last thing. Fluttershy talked down the dragon, right? That's actually pretty impressive, so I enclosed a gold scale in this letter. Give it to her and let her know she's the town's official Dragon Watch, and that she better do a good job.

Because if not, she'll be fired.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Just Go To Sleep

Dear Twilight,

What kind of friendship report is this?

Twilight, you are friends with a ranch pony that's way too intimate with rope, a cocky weathermare with lofty dreams, an animal caretaker scared of her own shadow--which is also likely scared of her, a fashionista who spends too much time obsessing over gems like the ELEMENT, and an annoying pink anomaly that keeps finding her way into my ro--

Apologies for the cutoff. Thought I heard something. Sounded like a party popper.

Anyway, your friends couldn't possibly be more diverse short of you befriending a zebrican botanist. My question is this: how have you just now learned this lesson? More importantly, didn't you learn this within the first week of your stay after the Nightmare Moon incident?

Now, despite your amazingly delayed reaction to this lesson and your incredible ambiguity of the friends you're referring to--which is smart, actually. You might have saved their lives today--I'm happy you got around to learning this.

Now go to sleep, and don't bother me with a useless report like this again.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, that's NOT funny! Don't scare me like that.

...what do you mean it wasn't you? You're the only one in here besides me!

Well, who else could it--LOCK THE DOORS.

Bridle Curiosity, Bad Gossip

Twilight Sparkle,

You jumped to conclusions again, didn't you? How many times do I have to explain to you the necessity to assess a situation from EVERY angle?

By the sound of things, you got wrapped into the words of your "friends" and thought somepony, who may/may not be the zebrican botanist I mentioned in the last letter, was a horrid hexer who intended on cooking up some Apple Bloom stew.

Either that's referring to... what's the orange one's name? Applesack's little sister--who's cute as a button, that girl--or you mean the sweet stew with the flowerbuds and candied yams. That stuff is to die for, and I could just eat it right now.

The stew, I mean. Not Apple Bloom. DO NOT CONFUSE THIS.

But I'm honestly surprised that you, the resident bookworm, would fail in realizing the ludicrosity of their claims. You fact-checked me on every single statement I made while you stayed in my castle, but the second you leave you get caught up in the rumors and hearsay of your friends/acquaintances? I'd almost call this implausible if I didn't remember that it was you.

Zecora sent me a letter about this incident as I was writing this, you know. Yes, I know her from a... recreational event I go to once every month. Yes, the same one I said you couldn't come along for when you asked.

You still can't come. You're not mature enough to handle hot cocoa, let alone tea.

If anything's been proven today, it's that you can't pull your head out of your arse because you think you see a gold nugget at the end of your colon. I will tell you this, Twilight: I too have seen the nugget, and I found out the hard way it's fool's gold.

Please do not disappoint me again, Twilight.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S.

When you have time, let Zecora know I'll be bringing Royal Blend 64 for this month's meeting, and please tell her to bring Stripes and Stars.

No Luna, you already see enough stars as is. You can't come.

Just drink more of Joe's coffee then! You already order that everyday!

Nope, I'm not looking at that pouting, puppydog face of yours. You're not going, and that's fi--

A Century of Swarms, Part 1

Twilight Sparkle,

I'm coming for a visit. No, you're not in trouble. Yet.

As frustrated as I've been with you and your amazing friendship reports, the fact that you're actually learning things is something worth praising in person, so I'm bringing you a few treats in celebration of this astounding achievement.

I know you'll look forward to some of your mother's sweet biscuits; I know I do. I've asked her for the recipe, but she refused on the grounds of it being a family secret. That's okay, though. It's perfectly fine.

Oh, and I'll bring along a slice of vanilla ten-layer cake, made by yours truly. Sure, three layers is reasonable, and five may be pushing the limits a bit, but nopony's complained about more layers than that to my face.

You get two bites. Don't complain, that is twice as much as last time.

Luna's baking cookies made from moon dust, moon rocks, and her own tears. Apparently that's how she lived for the past millenium on the moon. "Don't worry if it tastes like hate," she said. "It only lingers for the first minute."

...I'll bring some regular cookies, just in case.

Anyway, I'll come by within a few hours after a few errands and duties I must take care of. I do expect your home to be tidy, however, so that should keep you occupied. Don't go off and make it a spectacle like I'm visiting every building in town, however. I know this is a big deal for you, but it's not THAT big, okay?

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, those cookies smell... mouth-wateringly delicious.

Yes, I'm sure Twilight will, uh, probably enjoy them.

You want me to try one? Er, I suppose I can.

A Century of Swarms, Part 2

Dear Twilight,

I'm disappointed in you. Again.

To start, I saw these same creatures over in Trotsdale eating everything late this afternoon, but when I came to Ponyville earlier, Pinkie was busy parading them off into the woods while you were busy trying not to lose your cool like you didn't even know what was going on.

I don't question Pinkie knowing about the Parasprites. She knows too much as is, like the fact that I haven't celebrated my birthday since I banished my sister.

Side note, but tell her to stop stalking me on that matter. I will get around to that.

Anyway, what I do question is why neither you or Fluttershy bothered to research the Parasprite first if both of you knew nothing about it. She is the resident animal expert, you are the resident librarian, and yet it took Zecora to inform you of their voracious eating habits.

Fluttershy I can forgive as she may not know about all the creatures of the Everfree, but that's why we have books on the subject. I know you have a copy of "Pet, or Pest? A Compendium of Carnivorous, Cute, and Crazy Creatures" by Doc Danger somewhere in your library. Maybe it was right next to the copy of the other book you judged by its cover?

Actually, that's exactly what happened here. You didn't fully question what the Parasprite was right from the outset. Pinkie even knew exactly what they were, but you didn't ask her about them. You did learn these lessons before, right?

Well, maybe you were panicked over the whole situation. Discovering what were once cute pets can eat you out of house and home is something to worry over, but you must keep a level head on your shoulders when such a situation hits the fan.

In this case, you turned Parasprites into Paratermites that could actually eat your home. If Spike relieves himself in a corner of your library, I hope your first solution won't be to plug up the offending holes on him.

Your learned lesson was valuable; that I will not debate. But please think about your magic before you cast something tragic.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. The Parasprites ate everything I brought with me but the moon cookies.

Yes, Luna. Your moon cookies, which I might add were surprisingly tasty.

Luna, calm down, okay? They're just bugs. They don't have good taste!

...oh dear.

Unwrapping Winter

My faithful student,

I'm delighted to hear that you participated in an Earth pony tradition. No, really. You not using magic is the best news I've heard since the Parasprite Infestation.

However, the hidden talents bit worries me because that makes it sound like you discovered a hidden talent you didn't know you had.

You do know that adds another mark, right? It's called the Hidden Mark, and it can show up anywhere on your body. And I do mean anywhere. Even on the liver of an ale guzzler, which is how a doctor found out it existed in the first place. There can even be more than one.

Don't go looking for it, though. Luna's still looking for hers, and I stopped after the... ugh, fool's gold thing from before. And don't share this with your friends either. I don't want to hear about Rarity checking her eyes for needles or anything.

But in regards to your friendship lesson, about how that and teamwork can accomplish anything? I can expand on that a little.

You know I have Royal Guards. They are not royal, occasionally stink of mead or hard cider, are questionable guards at best, and glorified messenger colts at worst. While their loyalty remains undaunting, their work ethic is a crapshoot.

They're not all friends. And I've heard arguments that suggest some of them never will be. But they're co-workers, and even though they might not like each other, they'll put up with each other enough to at least do a serviceable job most days.

But if my life is on the line, you bet your arse their petty differences are set aside in favor of surrounding me in a phalanx. That is not solely friendship that surrounds me; that is camaraderie, and no stronger force exists than that of unspoken trust and friendship between your comrades.

I don't like the look some of them give Luna, though. Like, they'd catcall if I wasn't near her. That kind of look.

I'll need to address that issue. Remind them of whose arse they catcalled first.

Oh, before I forget about Rarity, I would have you issue a formal apology to her on my behalf. It turns out she DID send the Element after the second reminder that she still had it, but it had been lost in transit for a while because of some wall-eyed mailmare that broke one of my stained glass windows today delivering it.

The apology is for me chucking a rock at her Boutique after reading your not-a-friendship-report report. Yes, from Canterlot.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Also extend my apologies to Applesmack. I missed my first throw. Badly.

Calling All Cuties

Twilight Sparkle,

Your friendship lesson gave me pause for thought.

Magic is your thing, isn't it? It's the thing you withheld once before in front of your friends with the Ursa Minor incident. But it came out, and now your friendship is stronger because of it.

A younger filly learned this lesson long before you did. Without magic, and if my understanding is correct, without a cutie mark.

I... have no words to say. Truly, you've left me stunned and speechless that a small filly has a better idea of friendship than you did at that age.

Granted, you were buried neck-deep into magic tomes and textbooks at my school, but there were other gifted unicorns there you could have made friends with, right?

Except you didn't, and instead clung to me like a hungry leech in a swamp. And while I have taught you a great many things, friendship is something I cannot teach you.

That is why you are there in Ponyville. To learn what that little filly did, and take it to become a better pony. You can do this; you must do this.

Because the alternative is that I have to start over. And the candidates aren't up to your level. My current best pick is a filly who can blow snot bubbles and morph them into booger art. Provocative and intriguing, but disgusting art.

Promise me you will learn something new next time. Please.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, why do you want to see that? Trust me, it's not worth it.

Yes yes, I know I'm not the lord over your time, but I really do think you could spend it better doing anything but looking at mucus shaped into a tiger lily.

FINE! If you insist, we can browse her gallery of nasal paintings too. Though I warn you now, she sometimes does fresh ones.

Friends Don't Leave Leaves Behind

My faithful student,

I hope my unannounced appearance during Ponyville's annual Running of the Leaves didn't throw you off. Rather, I'm delighted you got a medal. That means you actually read something on pacing yourself properly, I take it?

I actually came to also visit Mayor Mare that day. She and I go way back, but more importantly, it was to discuss my... erm, damage towards Rarity's property.

Do you know how expensive your friend's windows are? I could feed a full orphanage for three days for the cost of that thing! Or three orphanages for one day! Good gods, are they made from the crystallized tears of baby dragons?

It might be a good idea for you to start watching Spike around her. I don't want her getting ideas.

Now, in regards to Applegak and Rainbow Dash, I thoroughly enjoyed their tussle as they crossed the finish line. Their fierce competitive spirit made for an enthralling end to a competition that otherwise usually ends in broken dreams, broken bones, and broken twigs.

And pointlessness. You know those leaves fall on their own, right? Does anyone in this town know that? Applegak has to know; she bucks trees for a living! She's got to rake leaves too, and I seriously doubt she's got a whole pony stampede on hoof for that.

That said, I made them run again to get those other trees since everypony apparently wanted Fall to end as soon as possible. I don't blame them; it's a terrible season filled with cold weather, cold people, and colds.

Especially colds. That pesky illness always seems to breach my ward and just ruin me for a whole month. You might remember those times when I had Cadance keep an eye on you while I was busy blowing my horn for days. I even got complaints from the townsfolk about the noise coming from the castle.

Yes, over a millennium spent on this land, and I can still be brought down by common disease. Go figure.

Anyway, keep up on these reports, Twilight. I look forward to your next one.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...Luna, you visited the school again, didn't you? You have paint in your mane.

Oh, they told you jokes? Let me hear one.

Who's there?

I eat mop who--LUNA!

Success Suits: When Failure is Not an Option

Twilight Sparkle,

You remember when I told you to look into Rarity designing your dresses? I regret that statement I made, because I had a feeling it would lead to this.

I'll hazard a guess and say that you and your friends were amazingly unreasonable in your choices for apparel to wear, even though I specifically stated that I didn't want any of you to wear anything ridiculous. As usual, you overthought something simplistic and made it out into more of a chore than it had to be.

That's why you're not allowed to use brooms. Gods, I'm still finding splinters and hay strands.

You know that the Grand Galloping Gala isn't something like your seventh birthday with punch and cake and streamers, right? I mean, the only reason I let you wear that frilly mess of a dress that turned you into a giant loofah was because you didn't roll out into the streets with it. The looks your parents gave me, as I recall, were a mix of confusion and anger at having their daughter masquerade as a tumbleweed. Your brother laughed his horn off and called you his little Cottonball.

Ok, I admit that was a good laugh. Anyway, you learned your lesson at least, and so did Rarity. That's something, at least.

Love,

Princess Celestia

What? Luna, I told you the Stitch sisters would be here today!

It's too late now! They get into this zone when they start working, and I won't hear from them for weeks.

Don't ask me! I don't know anyone el--wait. Wait a second.

I do.

Pinkie's Feeling Keen Tonight

My faithful student,

I'm not sure whether to interpret this letter as an indoctrination into Pinkism, or you discovered how much of an anomaly Pinkie is. Or both. Pinkism is a rather devout religion in Ponyville, so I'm not surprised in the least that you discovered it.

I am surprised it took this long, though. Really expected this letter to come up far sooner than this. Like, in your first week, actually.

Anyway, beware, my student. Pinkie's the head of the group, obviously, and if you hadn't noticed, she does things that you can't and won't be able to explain.

Things like suddenly appearing on my castle balcony right now. I locked the door, but she's right there. Staring at me with those piercing blue eyes. Waiting.

I will celebrate my birthday soon, Pinkie! GO AWAY! Luna will bake the cake, okay?!

I have no idea if that smile from her just now was a good thing or not, but she left. I think.

Anyway, keep your windows and doors locked at night. She might be okay during the day, but don't go looking for answers involving her. They're not worth it, and you have better things to do with your time.

Like writing good friendship reports that aren't blind belief admissions.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. One more warning. Beware of Pi day. Just... be aware, and have a rag and bucket on hoof.

Luna, don't scare me like that! Pinkie was just here on the balco--

No. Nononono! NO! Pinkie, please! I promise I'll have it soon!

Uh, at the end of this month! M-My birthday is coming up again, so that's perfect! Right?

C-Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!

...that was a close one. I mean, it's just a tiny promise. A small, legally binding promise that spells imminent doom if I break it...

Ponyfeathers.

Rainbooms and You: A Cautionary Tale

Twilight Sparkle,

I finally know who made the sound and prismatic lightshow all those years ago, before you were my student.

I was reading a good book, sipping a cup of Royal Blend #42, when suddenly my balcony doors threw open as a rainbow blast crashed through, shattering every bit of glass on it. It was loud and beautiful, bursting my eardrums and blowing me and my mind away, toppling me out of my favorite chair and spilling my tea all over that book. It was simply... awesome. Destructive, but awesome.

Also, Rainbow Dash owes me a new copy of "Color and You: Orange Works With Blue, Even if Everyone Hates It."

Now then, did you think you were clever earlier today by passing the buck to Rarity when I asked you what you learned at the Best Young Fliers competition? Or did you choose to have Rarity state the lesson as she's the one who actually learned it for herself?

Regardless of which it is, I can safely say that it is indeed a firm lesson to learn. Although... I imagine that Rainbow Dash still has her head in the clouds instead of her hooves on the ground at the moment. Me naming ponies winners is akin to them winning a lottery, and going by her celebratory motions, I'd say she's going to ride this high for weeks.

Although... that turn of phrase is really lost on Pegasi. I even know a few that never touch the ground. They specifically take a pet cloud with them wherever they go. They even feed it and bathe it; don't ask me how bathing works.

It's not the strangest choice of pet I've seen, but given I own a bird whose molting pattern involves fire and ash, I have no right to complain.

Also, do not get a pet phoenix. You live in a tree. That problem should basically spell itself out, but... I don't know with you. Just don't get one, and trust me on that.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna? What's the password?

That was yesterday's! Try again.

This is not extreme! Pinkie invaded my personal space, and I am NOT taking chances!

Yes. Tea and biscuits, please. And the password is "lemon cake."

Show-stopping Words of Wisdom

Dear Twilight,

This report is adorable to read, if only for the sheer naivete that children bring to the world. While I'd love to believe that everypony can find their talent and put it to use and live a happy life doing just their calling, the facts don't lie when I say that some of those talents hardly mean a thing to others in the world.

Twilight, understand that there are some ponies out there that have to make a living by some other means because their true talent may not be enough to get them by. Your local florist may be a cabaret singer, or your barber a doctor. Heck, Applequack might be a moonshiner in the off-season for her orchard.

Or at least Granny is. I don't know what she does to get that sour bite in her cider, but I love it.

Anyway, Hidden Mark talents are the unsung heroes to these ponies, Twilight. While discovering your true calling is important, it's just as important to figure out how to support that calling if you know it can't support itself.

I should tell Luna about that. Her... erm, aspirations regarding singing could use this pep talk too.

Sleep well, my student. And keep on top of those library late fees!

Love,

Princess Celestia

Evening, Lu--that better not be a microphone.

No, I'm not going to participate in Karaoke tonight. I hear everyone brings earmuffs to that anyway and...

No, Luna! Your voice isn't THAT terrible... although you do need work. A ton of work. Mountains of it, actually.

I don't know, maybe try to not shout or yell as much? Practice softly in front of a songbird? Get lessons from Fluttershy? Try something!

The Best Laid Plans of Dogs and Ponies...

Twilight Sparkle,

Six months spent in Diamond Dog negotiations. Luna and I spent six months discussing appropriate compensation for their stores of polished onyx. Dry kibbles and bits weren't good enough, but we wouldn't dare succumb to their demands of flank steak slathered in gravy.

Today, we were close to a compromise on soft, slightly microwaved mystery meat from a can. We normally serve that to rogue griffons in the dungeon, though we didn't tell them that. Their tongues were practically salivating, and we had them sold.

Then one of their messenger dogs came in and told of a pony who squealed and whined some of their dogs into handing over their entire gem stores in one of their mines.

Ruff, the pack leader, was not pleased. Barking obscenities and frothing at the mouth, he accused us of larceny, destruction of private property, and being royal arseholes as eloquently as you can imagine a raging bulldog might say.

Obviously negotiations broke down, but we managed to escape thanks to a good stick throw. Let that be a lesson for you: when entering negotiations, have a back-up plan. Or three. Luna had a ball and I had a big stick, but thankfully we didn't need them.

By the way, Luna is NOT happy she didn't get her onyx. She's venting in her room right now, chucking stones at statues in the garden. Earlier I warned her about one in particular, but she said she wouldn't aim for it. I'm happy she still knew after all this time. The last thing we need is another out-of-control problem.

Then I settled down in my room to read your report. The lesson you learned from Rarity was good. Really... really good. Just... SO good.

Now, I'm not naming names here, but her timing is oddly coincidental. Unless some other pony was captured by Diamond Dogs and pulled the exact same song and dance she did, the chances of this being the situation that messenger dog mentioned are remarkably high. Almost certain, in fact.

I'm not mad. Assuming she got the gems she did, there's probably some polished onyx among those, so I'll send a... request that she also fashion Luna's regalia. I know the Gala's coming up soon, but she'll have time.

She'll make the time. I'm sure of that, one way or another.

Anyway, enjoy your evening, Twilight. I'll join my sister in casting stones tonight. Oh, but feel free to let Rarity know of my request if she's still awake at this hour.

No, really. Please get that done for me.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Green is Somepony's Color, Just Not Yours

Twilight Sparkle,

You made Spike angry, didn't you? I know this because he wrote a few words in your friendship report. Certain angry, venting words that enlightened me to a shocking fact: you broke a Pinkie Promise.

Pinkie will come by your home tonight. Lock the door, close your windows, double-check that every opening is closed. Even your inside doors: bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, basement. CLOSE. THEM. ALL.

Then sit in the middle of the room. Keep your eyes moving, looking for her. If you see her outside your window, don't look at anything else but her. Smile and wave, try to carry a conversation if you can, but don't look away even for a second. Blinking is safe to do.

If she smiles then walks away, take a deep breath. You're safe for the night, but don't be a fool like me and open anything up just yet. Just sleep in the room as it is, and wait until morning.

But if she gets in the room... you better Pinkie Promise your way out of it somehow. Then honor that promise, like I am now.

I've sent out invitations for my birthday in two days to you and all of your friends. Bring nice gifts and nicer smiles. It IS a birthday long overdue, but don't let that factor in to your gift searching. Anything is appreciated if it gets Pinkie off my arse.

I'll see you in two days. Remember to keep those promises if you want to keep your friends.

And your life.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, my birthday is coming up soon. Do you think you could bake a cake for that?

Moon Cake Surprise? What's the surprise?

No, I guess it wouldn't be if you told me. But will at least taste like your cookies?

Better than those? ...I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Turning Over a New Barrel

My faithful student,

Is this your idea of a joke?

Diamond Dogs do not share, nor do they care. They barely even notice the fleas on their fur. Their clothes are horrid and ragged, and the pockets on them hardly suit holding anything but the largest of gems that don't fall through the holes.

And after reading your report, I am to believe that I can be great friends with them after their leader called my mother "a whorse that even a Minotaur wouldn't love."

Surely you know how huge of a stretch that is after HER little incident. I can't just apologize and offer up some of our treasury after what she did to theirs; they'll insist on all of it, and I won't have our economy crash because of one pony's ridiculously bad timing and worse self-restraint.

But... it can't hurt to try and talk, I suppose. I could have worse things to do with my time.

Like the day court proceedings. Those go phenomenally slow, with me sitting on my throne, listening to petty complaints all day.

"Clouds and rain are the worst thing in Manehatten! They ruin my good spray tan!" "I lost all my money in Las Pegasus to a rigged game! I demand a refund!" "Trixie motions to have wheels removed from all carriages! I even have a signed petition of ten thousand ponies asking for its removal!"

That last one was special. I checked the petition, and it had her name signed on it ten thousand times. It was immaculate, almost like she did it before in school.

Unfortunately, I had to turn her down on the grounds that they can't be all her signature. Even if she thinks she's the most important mare, and therefore it's only her name that matters most. What a great argument to use in front of a princess, right?

Oh, and she also mentioned your name. Do you know her? Because I don't, even though she claimed to go to the same school as you. I can't remember for the life of me anyone like her, though.

Oh well. If she becomes your problem, I'm sure you'll know how to handle it. Who knows, she might be one of these enemies-turned-friends.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Extend my thanks to Appleback for her present. This dog whistle will come in handy.

Luna, get ready. We're going to visit the dogs again, and have a nice talk.

I know it went bad last time, but I'm certain we'll come to an agreement.

No, I have a better idea than the ball. Bring your trumpet.

A Bird in the Hoof...

My diligent student,

I'm stopping by for a visit again. More specifically, I wish see all of your friends in one place. Why, you might ask?

Simple. I'd like to spend some time with them. Given that about half of your friendship reports were pretty much lessons they learned and you forwarded onto me like the world's friendliest soliciting chain letter, the least I can do is spend some time around them. You know, really judge their genuine qualities that you seem to admire about them.

Another thing is that outside of these letters, I hardly know any of them. Except Pinkie... and Rarity... and Rainbow Dash the book slayer... and Appleknack by proxy of Granny. So it's pretty much just Fluttershy I don't know that well yet. Huh.

Anyway, I'll be bringing Philomena with me. She's in the midst of molting, and when she's like this, she tends to be... difficult. So she'll be in the cage for the entirety of the visit. Who knows, maybe Fluttershy will get a kick out of her.

Assuming she knows what a Phoenix is, and what a molting one looks like. She does know, right? There's been plenty of time for her to study up on creatures she doesn't know by now, so the odds of her not knowing this bird are slim to none.

Buuut considering she didn't know what a Parasprite was, she should just ask Pinkie about Phoenixes. Pinkie's seen and pet her a few times already; I know when she does when Philomena smells like burnt sugar.

That said, don't touch her. Pinkie's learning that the hard way to this day. One day...

Maybe I should just leave her home, just in ca--wait, no. Luna.

I'd love to trust Luna with watching her, but Luna gets bored, and when she gets bored, she messes with my things. It's only by the good graces of the gods Philomena hasn't pecked her eye out yet.

So looks like my bird's coming with. Be a dear and let your friends know I'm coming by. And in case I haven't made this clear, I'll say it again:

Don't. Touch. My. Bird.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...is Worth Two in a Burning Bush

Twilight Sparkle,

What do I need to do to clarify my warnings any further? Do I have to highlight them? Make them bigger? Fly a banner over Ponyville with those specific words on it? Tell me what it is I have to do to get it through to everypony that when I have a warning to deliver, it's actually important and saves time.

I really wish I'd just told Fluttershy about Philomena as soon as she asked. At first I thought she was just asking as a gentle formality, but then I saw that she was actually serious.

That innocent curiosity is always a sight to see, Twilight, and one I'm more than happy to reciprocate with answers, even if they're answers they should know because it's their profession and if they don't know then maybe they should learn it or consider a new career path like carpentry because something always seems to be wrecked every fifteen minutes!

...Pinkie's a bad influence. She even shows up in my dreams. Not even Luna can do that without my permission, and she's the Dream Warden!

Anyway, Mayor Mare called me on some important business, so I had to leave. I treat my correspondence with her seriously, especially since she's the one that reports to me on every single incident that happens in town, and how much stress it leaves on her. Did you know her mane was originally pink ten years ago? And her face didn't look like a prune's great grandmother?

She tries way too hard to keep Ponyville on the straight and narrow. And this incident with my pet certainly didn't help her, what with my guards patrolling around. I understand her concerns; they can be rather intimidating when they're actually doing their job.

Or... maybe it's more than that. Hm.

In any case, Philomena is back in her cage, Fluttershy learned a lesson you learned what seems like ages ago, and most importantly, nothing burned down. Not that I expected it, but that just seems like a plus in a very flammable town. Mayor Mare's really on top of her game if I never hear of any fires from her.

This is also why my castle is made of marble with easily replaceable carpet and drapes. And why my room is coated with enough flame retardant it could shrug off a breath of dragonfire. Which it did. Mister Inadequate Dragon saw to that a few days ago.

He is now Mister Stumpy.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. I'm having trouble sleeping again.

Yes, it's her. No, lucid dreaming didn't help. All that did was make her laugh even more.

Really? An alternative that doesn't have me dream at all? I'm game, so what is--that's my big stick. What are you--

Cheesy Muenster Chronicles

My faithful student,

The letter is so cheesy I could throw it in my sandwich and mistake it for aged white cheddar. I hear the rats in the walls scurrying around, waiting until I leave the room to chew this into shreds. And Luna's at the door, mewling like a kitten somehow. She has a thing for cheese, so even she smells it coming off of this--

Luna, stop that scratching! This isn't cheese! It's Twilight's friendship report!

...well, yes, it's technically edible, but you can't eat it! These things are important! Probably!

Luna, just go to the kitchen if you want cheese that badly! Or make your moon cheese! You can do that, right? I don't care, do something besides kicking my door down!

...ahem, my apologies. Where was I?

Ah yes, seeing rainbows, future friends seeing the same thing you are. Well, yes, I'm sure on some level everypony is going to see something at one point and their future friends might also be looking at it, even if they don't know you yet. Cute conclusion, even if it's a tad lacking in scope.

Because, technically, wouldn't your enemies also see something like that too? You can't like everypony you meet, because some you'll come across just won't want to be your friend, or worse, your foe.

You'll also run out of bucks to give before you reach the hundredth "friend" you find. Trust me on that; compassion exhaustion is a thing that happens to those that spend too much time tending to the needy or being too friendly... or just being here for a long, long time. And day court multiplies that feeling of a long time passing exponentially.

Every time I hear something ridiculous in my court, the same recurring thought enters my head: "Well, now you've heard everything." No. I haven't, and they're going to prove me wrong without fail. Stupid is eternal.

You'll understand this one day, my student. You'll be in some kind of situation where you're stuck listening to dumb problems devoid of common sense. I'm not sure when, but it will happen. And when it does, you'll really know what it means to give a buck about something.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, for the last time, this letter is not for eati--

That is a giant cheese wheel. I hate to ask, but where did you even get that?

You took it from the dungeon?! That's for Larry the Giant Rat! Luna, if he doesn't get that cheese, our sewer system will go to... Just take it back!

Owls are Nocturnal, Baby Dragons are Not

Dear Spike,

Setting aside your lesson for a moment, I've got a small bone to pick with you.

This morning, I woke up to a familiar smell emanating from my closet. The tangy stench of dragon is a smell I can't forget, as much as I want to. It's also one I'm sure you're quite familiar with, because your eggshell is in there. Again.

Look, I'm flattered you still think of me as your mother after all this time, but there's better and less disgusting ways to express that than by leaving your birth shell in my closet. Just add an "I love you" in Twilight's friendship reports if you feel this strongly about it. I'm sure she won't mind.

I'm sending this eggshell back to you, and I insist on you keeping it with Twilight for now. She is your caretaker now, not me. I know she's probably not as thorough or thoughtful as I am, but she's trying her best in terms of that.

Because if she wasn't, you would have told me. And then she would have to answer to me, and we both know how that would go down.

But more importantly, since it's ultimately your eggshell, I want you to leave it with somepony special to your heart. Clearly Twilight isn't that, judging from your earlier rant that referred to her as a "Purple Peabrain." Therefore, whoever your secret crush is, they deserve it more than I do.

Besides, I already have the other half of your eggshell anyway. In a sealed container, locked up tight in my safe all the way across the castle, but it's there. That's how much I value it, Spike. Take that at whatever value you see fit.

Now, onto your lesson. Jealousy is indeed a nasty little thing, especially for dragons. It shares similar ties to envy, despite their opposing nature of one worrying for losing what you have to someone else, and the other for wanting what someone else has. And when one has both in spades, the result can be extremely self-destructive.

This vicious cycle has its grip firmly on dragon hearts and souls, and it is one I am glad to see you will not be a part of if this lesson is any indicator of your progress and--

Hold on. There's a green dragon right outside my balcony making a ruckus. Something about smelling the dragon that robbed some of his hoar--

...we're going to have a VERY long talk later.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Celestia, Party of Two

My dear student,

It was Gummy's birthday, wasn't it?

I know this because Pinkie gave me some singing telegram outside your tower balcony. The carved oak doors must not be thick enough, since I heard every word of it this morning. I politely told her I couldn't make it due to important princess duties.

Day court can't run itself, as much as I'd like it to. Gods know if I wasn't there, the complaint list of minor grievances would break through the roof and be the tallest tower of the castle. Taller than Luna's, even, and she asked that her tower be extra-tall. Frankly I think it's compensating for something.

Speaking of towers, mine is in the middle of repairs. Again. One dragon torching the place is fine, but a second one smacking it with its tail and lopping off a good two stories from it isn't. That's going to take a bit of time, so I'm currently residing in the tower you stayed in while you were here.

Your tower is a strange thing. Do you know that? Your top floor is as much window as it is walls lined with bookshelves, which is NOT a nice thing when Pinkie's on the prowl. There's even a ton of open space, but hardly any furnishing to occupy it. Everything except books stacked on the floor is tucked against the wall like the designer thought you'd be practicing dance moves and needed the space of an entire gymnasium.

Also, there's no secret escape routes in here. I mean, mine didn't have those either, but during this reconstruction I'm putting one in. And no, I won't tell you where it is. It wouldn't be that secret if I did, would it? And Pinkie wouldn't know eith--what's that popping noise?

Oh, it's Pinkie... on the giant window.

Look, Pinkie, I'm sorry I couldn't make it! I had an extremely busy day dealing with citizen complaints and a wrecked tower! We can talk later, okay?

Cuppa Joe's, tomorrow at nine. I promise I'll be there.

Aaand there's that smile again before she jumps off into the night. How does she even open her mouth that wide? She didn't take a razor to it, did she?

Oh, right, nearly forgot about your lesson. Ahem.

Yes, you should never assume the worst when it comes to your friends. But expecting the best from your friends all the time is hardly realistic.

Everypony has off days or bad times. Even a good friend can experience an event that kicks them down and brings them out of their "best" in an instant. Do you know what to do when that happens, Twilight?

You offer your shoulder. Whatever they do with it from then on, be it leaning, crying, punching... it will help them in some way.

Anyway, I need to get ready for tomorrow, and that means good rest. It won't be easy because your hybrid greenhouse lets in so much moonlight, but I'll make do.

Sleep well, my student.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, evening Luna. What brings you here?

Well, I do have time for one game before bed. Which one did you bri--

Jenga. You brought Jenga. Just... I need a minute. Go ahead and set it up.

The Best Worst Night Ever

Twilight Sparkle,

Thank you. You and your friends managed to turn the stuffiest of Canterlot's aristocratic events into a spectacle nopony will forget, for better or worse.

First, I apologize for not having enough time to speak with you about the lessons you and your friends learned. I really did want to discuss all of those with you, and maybe clarify a few things that weren't mentioned in your friendship reports. Well... more than a few things. You know, details and such.

But, as expected, my hooves pruned over from all the hoof-kissing nobles, some of them quite literal. The turnout was also far larger than I'd anticipated; the guards informed me the noble line extended all the way out past the town border, so I was pretty much rooted into the same spot for a full two or three hours as opposed to one.

I really wish Luna was here to help expedite the line. Unfortunately, she declined on being a part of the Gala on the grounds of every noble still being spooked around her. I personally consider that expediting all the same, but it wouldn't do well for her previously awful reputation, according to her.

...a reputation that I just realized she doesn't really have because the Nightmare Moon incident in Ponyville didn't even last three hours. In fact, her reputation in Canterlot's improved significantly once she started visiting Cuppa's three times a week and chatting it up with the townsfolk, so who would even be spoo--

Ahem. So, the ballroom is a complete disaster. It's no small thing when I say that janitor Jenkins is pissed. He asked me later if the Wonderbolts did one of their tornado demonstrations indoors again. I laughed, and said, "No, but close enough."

He didn't find that funny, but then again, I didn't expect him to. Hardly laughs at anything these days... except Pinkie for some reason. I asked him how he was able to laugh at a physical anomaly of a psychotic party planner, but he just shrugged and said, "I've seen worse."

I dropped that line of questioning immediately. Sometimes it's better to not question everything, because the answer might not be worth knowing.

Frankly, this Gala could have gone far worse than a wrecked ballroom and my garden birds fearing the color yellow. Not that I wanted more than that. This small, concentrated amount of chaos actually provided me an opportunity to remind everypony in an announcement today that if you're coming to the Gala for a civilized high-class event, you better be prepared for cake to fly in the face of that notion. Everypony always dressed it up as a function of incredible regard when they conveniently forgot that I deal with their messes on a daily basis. More messes being made hardly affects par for the course here.

So again I thank you and your party-hard friends for showing these nobles that a good time can involve things getting a bit messy, and that I don't mind it so long as it's a stain I can clean with a bit of soap and scrubbing.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Why, hello Luna. What a perfect time for you to come.

Oh, I'm perfectly fine. We just need to have a small talk about your deferred duties and--

HEY! Let go of her cage! No, really. Holding Philomena hostage is a bad idea and--Luna, don't you throw my bird. Don't you DARE--

...she threw my bird. She threw my bird!

LUNA, you can't hide from your duties forever! Life isn't all fun and games, and you WILL start hosting evening court, young lady!

Bonus: A Short Apology for a Small Problem

Dear Flintspark,

I extend my greatest apologies on behalf of my student's actions on Sunflare's hallowed mating grounds. It was not, nor was it ever, my student's intent to embarrass you in front of your mate. And everyone else.

You see, earlier this morning she had asked an innocuous question about Spike and where baby dragons come from. I had attempted an explanation at the time, but my demonstration using various food items including a hay weenie, a doughnut, and a chicken egg somehow wasn't clear enough for her. Birds and bees during breakfast failed, so I tried something else: books.

Unfortunately, our library didn't carry any textbooks on dragons either. Turns out the researchers I had sent to the mating grounds for the express task of making such a book failed in their expedition. Your leader Sunflare told me they ended up in ridiculous compromising positions close to the dragons and were crushed, burned, or both, instead of observing from a safe distance like she warned them to. This is something I was certain my student would respect both in terms of the sanctity of the grounds and the intimacy of the matter as a whole of not getting in there for a close inspection upon our visit.

I was so very, very wrong, and greatly underestimated her inquisitive nature and dogged determination to search for answers, no matter the cost. It was foolish of me to not keep an eye on her the entire time despite my warning to keep close to me and Sunflare's warning to stay away--she's hard at following instructions, you see--or else I'd have known she would take the ruler out of her hair and measure your unmentionables on the spot.

Further, I sincerely apologize for Twilight pointing out the disproportionate size discrepancy--with a further comparison to a carrot from her lunch saddlebag--and for the ensuing roar of laughter that had come from every nearby dragon in the vicinity, including Sunflare. And my laughter. I really, really apologize for my laughter being the loudest.

I insist she did such a comparison for educational purposes only, and that what she drew in her sketchbook is a gross misinterpretation of the source material. It's a stick figure of a dragon with a nub I think is supposed to be an outie. It's quite misleading, and I apologize for this crude construction which will definitely not be used in any sort of textbook following this visit. Not in the slightest.

We'll be taking our leave as soon as Twilight studies other dragons from a good, long distance away. She'll clearly be able to see what she needs to that far away as opposed to her close-up with you. So I apologize once more for her ill-conceived measurements and you becoming the laughingstock of the grounds, so please do not burn my castle down in a bout of rage over this miniscule issue.

You will regret it.

Sincerely and apologetically,

Princess Celestia

Return Postage on Harmony, Part 1

My faithful student,

I need you and your friends to come to Canterlot. NOW.

You know that statue I mentioned earlier, the one Luna and I specifically avoided hitting with stones? Well, Luna kinda sorta had an awful experience for her first night court. Ten drunks in a row, every one of them slurring in speech. Four left their mark on the carpet before passing out, and now the room reeks of rotten apples, bile, and urine.

Dissatisfied her first night court tended to nothing but boorish drunkards, Luna cast stones out from her balcony at the statues again. The warning must have slipped her mind, for she confided to me that one such stone beaned the forbidden statue in the back of the head.

Luckily, the statue hadn't broken. Talk about a break that didn't break anything, and as long as nothing happened near it that was chaotic in any way, it would stay normal.

And then the field trip from Ponyville came in the following morning. This spelt immediate disaster on all fronts, and one that Luna and I hoped to contain as soon as we found out the statue was missing after a fight had broken out near it.

Assuming the cotton candy chocolate clouds are already out at Ponyville, we clearly failed. One's hanging over my head right now, staining my mane into the color palette of a fruit salad that sat in a dumpster for a week. Philomena is now this terrifying black monkey-bird hybrid that's been screaming "BANANA" at the top of her lungs for the past twenty minutes and--I DON'T HAVE ANY BANANAS! Take this peach turnover and just stay quiet for five minutes! FIVE!

...this is just a taste of the creature that was just released, Twilight, and the only way to stop him is with the Elements of Harmony. My sister and I would love to use them, but thanks to their transformation into obnoxious jewelry that only fits on smaller ponies, we can't wear them. If push comes to shove, we'd have to dangle them off our horns in order to don them, and knowing this creature, he'd ask us what carnival we came from before trying to score more rings on us.

So make haste for Canterlot, Twilight. I will explain in further detail how I'm a prissy pissant princess with the charming appearance of burnt toast and the vernacular of a dictionary in a blender--

DISCOOORD!

Love,

Princess Malaria

Return Postage on Harmony, Part 2

Twilight Sparkle,

Once more, I thank you and your friends for saving Equestria from Discord. That frankenstein madman received his comeuppance for messing with my ponies, and thanks to the wonderful power of friendship, he slumbers once more in stone. And thank the gods for that.

He's being relocated back to the gardens, more specifically in the restored hedge maze. Why he wasn't placed there sooner to decrease the chances of this event happening in the first place is a question I'll be asking the designers shortly, because this was a major oversight for all of us, myself included.

That's right. I, Princess Celestia, accept partial blame for having a sealed chaos spirit statue placed within the vicinity of the most chaotic creatures in the world besides him: children. Luna also accepts blame for cracking the back of his head prior to his release.

Speaking of Luna, during the incident, Discord got to her. No wild Nightmare Moon appeared, thankfully, but something far worse stood in her place.

She walked into my room wearing a classy business suit, half-rimmed reading glasses, and her once-flowing mane was replaced with a beehive. Gone was her goofy, playful expression and cheerful gait, replaced with a steely stare, firmly planted hooves, and a clipboard hovering in her aura. Serious Luna had arrived.

And I hated it. I would rather deal with Luna's dodginess of tasks than Serious Luna's strict adherence to them. Thanks to her, day court managed to become boring in a way I never thought was possible before now. I couldn't even make any witty remarks or thinly veiled sarcasm. This boredom also applied to responding to foreign dignitaries, bathroom breaks, and even lunchtime became as formal as the Gala before you and your friends changed that.

Granted, her actions freed up my whole week. She's definitely onto something with this, but I still prefer my sister instead of a mare machine with my sister's appearance.

I suspected Discord did something similar to you and your friends. He's never direct with who he considers a real threat, and that's what makes him dangerous. Considering he knew of the Elements and moved them elsewhere, he must have figured out how to nullify the elements through your friends, and through them, you.

So how could I possibly remind you of how great friendship is to refocus you on your goals? With your own letters, of course. Because let's be honest, if I wrote you a letter trying to convince you of doing something you didn't want to do, it would fail on principle. The best thing I could do was simply return your letters in the hope that you wouldn't possibly ignore your own words.

Extend my apologies to Spike, by the way. I didn't know how many letters it would take to get through your thick skull and snap you out of Discord's trickery, so I sent them all. Send them back at your leisure, just not today. Spike needs a breather, and maybe some antacids.

No need for a friendship lesson today; the mere fact you put another great evil to rest is more than satisfactory.

I look forward to your next lesson, however. It should be one that won't disappoint me.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, Luna. I'm so happy you're back to normal.

Don't worry, nothing happened. You didn't do anything to mess with me. You were just a bit more... serious than usual.

Okay, you reamed me for using the wrong fork for my salad at lunchtime, but it's not a big deal!

Luna, don't cry, okay? It only happened once. I'll make sure it never happens again.

Lesson Absolute Zero

My faithful student,

I wasn't disappointed.

I knew my day was going to go swimmingly well when Spike sent me a letter showing me how much more aware he was of you than your friends were. He told me you'd lost your ever-loving mind over not sending me a friendship report, speculating over my supposed punishment and desperately trying to find some lesson to learn, all to have everything culminate in you casting the second of the three forbidden spells of magic on your mother's hoof-stitched doll. The first you are well aware of, as are all of my maids that now use brushes instead of brooms. With this kind of track record, I'm thankful you don't know the third spell.

Twilight, you not sending me a friendship report was never the end of the world. I told you this earlier, but it bears repeating. Seriously, it does. Honestly, if I got a report from Mayor Mare saying everything is going well and you didn't send me anything, my week would have been completely set. But you somehow conjured the thought in your head that sending friendship reports was mandatory, which is true. If you had something to learn, that is.

If you sent me a letter saying you learned nothing at all and were just earnest and apologetic about it, I would have happily clarified this situation for you and saved you all the trouble. "What if I don't have a friendship report to send to you?" is a perfectly valid question to ask, Twilight, and just like the tickets so long ago, I'm surprised you didn't ask this sooner.

But what isn't a valid solution is making a problem out of nothing, which you did. In doing so, you nearly took an entire town with you into your madness over just ONE tardy report. When did I even mention the word "tardy" for these reports, anyway?

But I won't ream you further for this mistake. I saw the look on your face in that library, pleading for forgiveness and showing clarity that you knew what you did was unspeakably wrong. That was enough to show me you were fully aware of how low you sunk, so me adding onto that any more would be... forgive the term, beating a dead horse.

If there is some good to gain from this, your calamitous outburst ended up serving as a wonderful vector for your friends to understand that maybe they should actually pay attention to you instead of being cynical, suspicious, or just plain mocking and ludicrous. Seriously, them telling me about how badly they screwed up over neglecting your screw-up was the icing on the cake for today.

As such, I saw fit to punish them accordingly by having them do what you do, because you being a middlemare for half of your friendship lessons was very much unnecessary to try and show me how much you're learning. Now that that's settled, I'll expect reports to come in whenever instead of this "weekly" business so you don't have to worry about making sure that's part of your schedule. So long as I get substantial friendship reports that show somepony learned a lesson, this shouldn't be a problem at all.

I have my doubts, but I'm trying to keep a positive outlook in that this punishment won't come back to bite my arse.

Love,

Princess Celestia

No, Luna, that doesn't mean you should send me letters from your room.

Because we live in the same castle! You can just tell me directly instead of wasting good ink and paper!

Look, Luna, if you want us to start sending things back and forth between each other, it might as well be something fun.

Correspondence chess sounds lovely. Oh, but dibs on white.

Eclipsing Lunacy

Twilight Sparkle,

Please tell me this report is an elaborate joke that claims that my sister had trouble making friends because of her intimidation and appearance. You're even telling me that only now did the town of Ponyville learn not to be intimidated by outward appearances and extend friendship.

Twilight, you already learned this after the debacle involving Zecora, who couldn't make friends thanks to Pinkie's smear campaign and blatant fear mongering. "Don't judge a book by its cover," remember? And my sister mentioned the exact same thing happening to her, again coming from that pink demon. Pinkie might have called it a joke, but I know her far better than that. And after tonight, so does Luna. Do not trust Pinkie.

Ahem. Luna's visit to Ponyville went about as well as I expected. While she's familiar with most of the ponies in Canterlot right now, Ponyville is another society entirely. Most of the nobles here didn't mind her booming voice all that much; they've heard mine enough to be conditioned to that, which let her integrate rather easily.

But an unannounced visit on Nightmare Night of all nights? I warned her that would be horrendous timing to try and introduce herself to Ponyville or any other town, but I was shot down. "It's our holiday, sister! Why shouldn't we be allowed to celebrate it?"

She had a point, but I still had my concerns, and when she came back sorrowful and having learned a lesson you learned ages ago, those concerns were confirmed.

I know I told you that you only needed to send friendship reports if you learned something, but I didn't expect a need to clarify that what you learned should be something NEW, and especially not if it's a lesson my sister learned. Why? Because she came home and told me directly. I wouldn't have minded a letter from her either since she was out of town.

Perhaps it was a bad idea to have me send those letters back when you still demonstrate your memory's as forgetful as janitor Jenkins. He mistook a closet as Luna's bedroom again, and I even gave him a map specifically so he wouldn't get lost. He lost the map in the closet. Somehow. I can't even find it.

Please do not have his spotty memory, and please remember when you already learned something so it's not a waste of time for both of us. And if somepony else learns it, have them write it. I don't care if it's a group letter from the whole town. Stop being the middlemare; do not speak for them, and let them speak for themselves, please.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, what is it? Did the maids ruin your room again?

Look, I know you like the feel of moon dust underhoof, but that time's long since passed. I'm getting complaints from the maids that your room's difficult to breathe in.

Luna, no. The dust is seeping out of your room and into the hallway. At this rate it'll reach the guest rooms nearby, and in the greater interest of keeping this place sanitary and breathable, I insist you clean your room.

Do it. Do. It!

...you know what? You're right, I can't make you. So I'll clean it instead. And I'm VERY thorough, sister. I won't miss a spot, so if you're hiding somethi--

I thought as much, Luna. Happy cleaning.

Social Sisters Aren't Rare, You See

Dear Rarity,

First off, I wish to state that I harbor no ill will in regards to the Diamond Dog incident. It took a bit longer... well, much longer than necessary to get them to a reasonable state of affairs again. But with some hard-boiled negotiations, promises of boiled marrow bones, and the location of a gem hoard so amazingly large they couldn't possibly pass it up, relations with the Diamond Dogs have finally stabilized to a tolerable level.

Whether they survive the dragon guarding it is another issue entirely, but I warned them about it at least. Didn't seem to deter them in the slightest... or they didn't hear me. Either way, I wished them luck in their endeavors.

Now, in reading your letter, I was truly surprised at the fact that you have a younger sister like Appletack. You and your sister discussed in detail the highs and lows of having a sibling, with words and statements that ring true. It was a charming thing to read.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Luna and I aren't great sisters either. The fact that I had to put her in a thousand-year timeout shows that we can have differences difficult to reconcile.

Her response to that was making a mountain out of a molehill. Literally. I'm surprised the caves are still intact after the first night since Luna's banishment. She really brought her "A" game, and managed to scare off all those thieving moles in the process.

I forgot to thank her for that. I'll do that later, but we really should find some time to hang out. I know this great cafe that I'm sure you'd love--it's owned by the older brother of that pastry bar we all enjoyed on Gala night--and I have an inkling that our sisters would get along very well together.

We'll need to make sure they don't get into any screaming competitions, however. I'm certain you already know why.

If you have some free time in your no-doubt busy schedule, let me know and I'll see if I can make the arrangements. No need to dress fancy, either; this is a friendly outing, not an injunction for my court.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, I'm serious. No scream-offs while we're there, okay? I know the town’s used to it, but let's try to be a bit more civil.

Wait, what do you mean the Dogs are mad again? I just told them about a massive treasure hoard! What more do they want from me?!

...th-their mine was raided again? Please tell me it's somepony else. Anypony else.

No. Gods, nooo. You can’t be serious. NO! She can’t possibly be that dense or desperate. She already has a net worth rivaling my snob of a nephew! Just... just why did she even--

Okay... okay. I know what I'll do. This little date is still going to be a thing. It’s just going to be different.

Vastly different.

Cuties Contract Poxes, Viral or Otherwise

Dearest Apple Bloom,

Waiting for your heart's desire is the greatest test of patience on this earth. Having been here for over a millenium, I can safely tell you that I’ve done a lot of waiting. Far too much waiting, all for things like improvement of the general populace, removal of bigots from my council, figuring out any and all exciting methods to make day court pass by in the blink of an eye without altering the fabric of space-time. You know, the little things in life.

Although I personally believe that waiting is one of the worst actions to take. Working is far better.

Waiting implies that it will come to you eventually without you actively seeking it. It’s the sort of thing one hears from a spoiled little richy rich filly: “My daddy handles everything! Why should I go out and get things done when it can just come to me?” Such an entitled declaration sickens me to my core, and it is one that defeats the very purpose of earning things in honesty when it’s hoofed to you on the silveriest of silver platters.

And so does shortcuts, as I’m told through Zecora you found out the hard way. Cutie Pox is serious business, and you should really thank Zecora again for what she did to assist you. Those Seeds of Truth are exceedingly rare, and the fact that she used some of them on you puts you quite high on her list of friends.

Higher than me, actually. She doesn’t even put the leaves in her tea blends, claiming they impart an extreme bitter taste when brewed. I call bull on that; Cuppa’s 47th failed brew was bitter enough to make bile palatable.

Anyway, working is far better a task to commit to achieve your goals. I'm certain that's something you already know given you work on an orchard that grows... oranges? Peaches? Cherries? I know it's a tree fruit, but with each one you pick and harvest, you learn the value of effort to yield rewards, and that's more that can be said if you waited for such a reward to come.

I wouldn't be surprised if you earned a Hidden Mark at this point, but don't go looking for that.

Give my regards to Granny Smith, and let her know I'll be free this Sunday. Please tell her I'll meet her at "Bull's Horn."

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, since when could you hold your own liquor?

...okay, I'm not even going to ask how you fermented alcohol, but seriously? Moonshine? Should I invent a liquor and call it Sun Beam?

Anyway, if you insist on tagging along, I'll send another letter asking that Little Mac come as well. It's been quite a while since I've seen him, so I'm not sure if that name's accurate.

Hopefully we'll find out, sister.

The Best Pet is Subjective. Also, Phoenix is Best Pet.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I applaud you. You've given me more context than any letter I've received so far, even if my first and foremost recommendation is to pull your head out of the clouds and shove it in a dictionary so you know what the term "tenacity" means. I don't mind it being pretty much double the length, but you don't have to be so wordy. Twilight can help with that.

I still can't believe how much I can deduce from this letter. You went looking for pets with strong qualities, but ultimately decided on a pet with a can-do attitude. And it's a tortoise! For once, I finally understand mostly everything behind how you learned the lesson!

Everything except for how you got a can-do attitude from such a tepid creature. But given that Philomena lights candles for me at night without my asking, perhaps your new pet did something for you that mattered without your order.

Such an act, no matter the scale of the action, should be greatly appreciated. That's the sign of a pet that cares for you as much as you do to them. Or will do, in your case. Loyalty begets loyalty, Rainbow Dash.

Speaking of pets, Luna's looking for one. She's immensely jealous of my bird, so she's looking for one of her own.

Please pass this on to Fluttershy--I presume she is the one who facilitated your pet adoption. Luna is looking for a Corvus raven, a bird of the stars. It has a wingspan roughly the size of three ponies head to flank, and black feathers with white dots interspersed to mimic the night sky. It even has its own rebirth cycle by bursting from its chest in a violent fashion and--

Wait, wrong page. It actually rises from the shadow it casts upon death. But seriously, that other rebirth was morbid. What even--

Oh. Wow, that thing is ugly. You don't want to see this... or hear about it, so I'll wrap this up. Just pass along that information about the bird and see if Fluttershy knows anything. If not, ask Twilight. She'll have a copy of "Nightcrawlers: Creatures that Creep, Crawl, and Live Under Starry Skies." It's page 35.

Do not read page 34.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Evening, Luna. What brings you in here besides that distasteful Trot Topics magazine?

Something I need to see? Oh, this should be rich. Did the paparazzi blow up my arse again? Because I swear to the gods, it is NOT that huge!

...that's a giant pile of gems. With Sapphire Shores sitting on them, dressed in enough gems to be an hors d'oeuvre for a dragon.

"This pile of gems isn't altered. It's actually a donation from an overly doting fan." Oh, so that's what's going on.

Well, looks like Rarity and I have a different discussion now. Luna, tell the Dogs the cafe date's cancelled.

Mare-Do-Well at Large

Rainbow Dash,

You were doing so well, and then you fell in line with the rest of the letters. For a moment, I believed I was finally talking to a pony that isn't an aging mare, my sister, or a zebra; a pony that was past the point of object permanence, and one I could have a conversation with without having to refocus the topic every two minutes.

The moment, much like my expectations that day court would have such a pony visit at least once, was as fleeting as you.

Mayor Mare just about flipped her lid in the report she sent me. New buildings under construction topping over, a dam breaking down on the same day, and a runaway wagon careening toward a cliff?! "Madness concentrated in a single day!" she said.

I personally think that's a standard day over there, but she's lucky some hotshot hero named Mare-Do-Well managed to save the day in every situation without uttering a single word. Whoever it was, I like her just for mincing unnecessary chatter.

Anyway, I presume from this lesson of yours that this hero stole your thunder, and you went off spending too much time talking and not enough rescuing.

Take it from me when I say that talking for too long wears away the greatest of mental barricades and limits of patience. If you've spent any time around Pinkie, that lesson should have registered by now. But given the permanence of these lessons "learned" so far, I won't be surprised if this is forgotten in two weeks.

Regardless, you learned not to be as much of a braggart, and to focus in on doing the action instead of talking about it. Do not be your own bard, for if your actions are great enough, you should not have to gloat about them and let them speak for themselves.

Oh, and before I forget, extend my thanks to Fluttershy for finding that crow for Luna. My faith in her occupation is officially restored. For now.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, that is a lovely bird. You plan on taking him to night court?

Shadebeak is rather... intimidating, yes. Just don't have him carry anypony out the window or anything.

Threaten to, yes, but make sure if it happens, they get taken out the front door. Jenkins won't mind the extra fear piss. He's immune to the smell of ammonia at this point.

Don't Trash My Elite Suite, Part 1

My faithful student,

Thank you for letting me know that Rarity is stopping by Canterlot soon. I'm disappointed to hear her younger sister isn't coming--Luna moreso because she'd planned a fabulous outing for her--but perhaps that's best saved for another time.

I'll take some time out of my today to have a little chat with her about recent events. In case you're not aware, she stole from the Diamond Dogs again. I didn't know why she did it the first time, but now I do. She's been generously giving the gems to Sapphire Shores, and while I'm sure Miss Shores appreciates the sentiments, the Dogs certainly don't.

Sapphire Shores is a name I'm aware of. Who doesn't know of the singer with class and sass in the same way teenage mares don't know about Boston Beaver?

A lot of ponies, actually. Rural towns like Ponyville outnumber the bustling cities of Manehatten and Las Pegasus, so perhaps it's not too surprising that hardly anypony knows of those singers.

On a curious note, Mayor Mare tells me the town has songs sung in it so often it's a wonder some record label hasn't compiled an album of it yet. I'm not surprised at this; somepony usually sings a song once a month here in Canterlot, but instead of talking about moments of happiness at work or general entertainment, I hear about pinched pennies at a taffy store to save for priceless jewels galore. You know, snobby rich pony problems.

"Do I buy this necklace, or save up for a yacht? Oh, who cares! In a week, that choice matters not!"

...you can probably see why these songs aren't a hit here to ponies like Cuppa and Pony Joe. And myself. Seriously, songs about how great it is to be rich?

I mean, yes, I live in a spacious castle with more room than I could possibly occupy even if I ate all the cake in Equestria, but I'm not bragging about it! Do you know how much the maids get paid just to make sure this place isn't as dusty as Dusty's Archives? If I don't, the day I mandate filter masks to traverse my halls is the day I fail as a princess with basic standards of living.

Ahem. Let Rarity know that a tower suite will be prepped for her soon, and I'll look forward to seeing her when she arrives.

Love,

Princess Celestia

What? Luna, no, it's not MY tower we're cleaning. It's the guest tower.

No, I'm certain my tower does NOT need cleaning. Thanks for offering, but it's fine. Really.

Am I hiding anything? Hmph. Ridiculous. Root around if you wish, but you won't find anythi--

Okay, I really should have picked a better hiding spot for those. Now, if you'll just give those cupcakes to me, I'll give you one and we can forget this even--

LUNA, get back here this instant with my cheat day cupcakes!

Don't Trash My Elite Suite, Part 2

Twilight Sparkle,

I was wondering when you were going to write to me about your birthday party. I would have sent you a lovely present and everything, but this request of yours is even better.

Of course I'll let you have your birthday here, Twilight. What sort of ruler would I be if I didn't handout a few concessions to my best student from time to time, especially when you worded it so nicely? "Can I have my party at your place, please?" So classy.

Given that Rarity is still here--I'm slightly disappointed she didn't have time for me in her schedule, but then again, neither did I--I'm sure she'll be delighted to see you and your friends come so you'll all be able to celebrate your birthday together.

To top things off, I'll even let you have the ballroom. Janitor Jenkins has already cleaned up the mess from the last party, so you're free to decorate and mess it up as you please. Make it a blast; a big one, at that!

Oh, but the only caveat is that it'll be right next to the garden party I'm also hosting the same night for a few... nobles. However, I'm certain there won't be any issues with that arrangement. None at all.

I'll see you when you arrive, my student. Oh, and tell Pinkie to pack extra streamers. Seems like a silly thing to ask, but I'm certain she'll easily accommodate it.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Whew, no Luna in sight. She stole one of my cupcakes, but I still have three--

Two. There’s… there’s two left.

Luna, remove that confection from your aura this instant!

No no! Don't you do it! Don't you open your mouth!

Last chance, sister! Put your tongue back in your mouth and away from the vanilla frosting. I mean it, don’t you take a bi--

...okay. So you want to play hardball? Alright, I'm game.

Don't Trash My Elite Suite, Part 3

Dear Rarity,

Again, you and your friends have woken up another section of nobles to the reality that is this world. Except for Fancy Pants, obviously, but he's the one miraculous exception that's somehow not a prick.

The party was quite a blast overall. I even managed to pull you aside so we could have a nice talk about your reverse Robin Hoof being a complete waste of generosity on a pony as popular as Sapphire Shores. In addition, I also relayed the message the Diamond Dogs wanted me to give you, along with my own personal suggestion on how to curry their favor.

I'll be honest, I wasn't a fan of their suggestion that you work in their caves for a "million bajillion years." Beyond the fact that they're awful at counting, I know those years would be filled with more whining and just be the worst decision on their part. And then you'd probably leave with more of their gems and we'd still be stuck at square one.

Instead, I talked them down to something a bit less insane. I insist you simply give them back whatever gems you still have from their grounds, and WITHOUT COMPLAINING, assist them in finding enough in their caves to make up the remainder so they're back to being functional. Surely you can handle some paltry dirt on your hooves; you take mud baths without any objections.

I've also decided to give them more of the mystery meat cans to make up for all the lost time over the matter, which they heartily accepted without question. Really makes me wonder where on earth they got the idea to try and haggle me for filet mignon, but that's in the past now.

Just think about my idea this week, let me know by the end of the month if you'll do it, and I'll have earmuffs shipped to the Dogs when you're ready. But don't take longer than that.

I mean it. Don't.

Now then, your personal lesson learned on this matter in Canterlot is a curious one to think about. Being proud of your hometown heritage and friends is... situational.

I know you weren't born into a hard lifestyle, Rarity, but understand that there will be some that would rather forget their beginnings. Such times may be painful for many with a rough childhood, and for them, there is no pride to pull from that.

To better word this, recognize your beginnings and know they made you who you are. If they're good, be fortunate they were, but if not, work to make your life not stay that way. And always remember that true friendship is blind to things like background and color.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Alright Luna, I'm ready for you now. These cupcakes haven't left my sight on my desk, and I even licked both of them so you can't touch them! What's your plan this time?!

Y... you made more? A whole dozen?

Ooh, that tray smells heavenly. And you're sure they're for me?

Thanks. Really, thank you, Luna.

Author's Notes:

I wish to formally state that this will be the last time the Diamond Dog incidents will be mentioned. I've been kicking this hornet nest for far too long, and if for some reason there are still folk out there that don't understand Tia's anger at Rarity, this blog post should clear up any remaining doubts on the matter.

Otherwise, daily updates for letters should be on track without any notable delays. If something comes up, I'll let you good folk know in another one of those blog things.

Your Excess is Not a Secret

Dear Spike,

First off, happy birthday. I would send you one of your favorite emeralds, but I'm fairly certain gems are probably the last thing on your mind at the moment. I'll save it for another time, then.

But onto the important business. I'm somewhat surprised you wrote this letter while omitting the fact that you bloated to a full-size dragon before you learned your lesson. Granted, maybe you didn't need to mention it because you knew how huge you grew, and that I had a clear view of Ponyville from my balcony. A distant view, yes, but not so distant that I can't tell when a giant purple mass just appears out of nowhere and starts destroying the town, so perhaps that didn't need reiteration.

You know, I really did fear the worst. I feared you'd given into the miserly, greedy ways of the other dragons, and I was fully prepared to send a cavalry to get you out of Ponyville before you would cause any further damage. Assistant to my student or not, you could have easily endangered many lives today, and you know that.

Which is why I'm extremely thankful that you managed to stop yourself before things got out of control. Really, I can't be any more impressed that you were able to control your urges when most dragons can't at all; that fact alone is outstanding, if not worth celebrating on its own merits. Truly, your progress in learning the merits of friendship rivals Twilight's at this point.

Mayor Mare is also happy to report that no casualties came about amid your rampage, although the building damages are more than enough for her to request financial aid of me. I'm fine with that; I usually get one once a month from her anyway. Twice this month isn't a big deal, and it's certainly not her most expensive call for aid. That would be the night I took her bar hopping with Granny.

None of us remember what happened that night, but it slapped me with roughly 100,000 bits in payment for damages, room service, and rental of a circus monkey.

It must have been awesome.

Anyway, you learned a great friendship lesson, a practical lesson in controlling your tempting urges, and most importantly, the town isn't a pile of ash. I look forward to your next letter, Spike.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Luna. How did your first night court go with Shadebeak?

Seriously? They got right to the point and didn't waste a second of time talking about pointless garbage? You are SO lucky your bird is intimidating. All I get are cute comments and some "smart" ponies dangling marshmallows near mine.

Hey hey, it's different when I do that. I at least share mine with her. Don't act like you haven't shared sweets with yours.

...you haven't? Sister, you are missing out on some major immortal bonding time. Come to the kitchen with me; we're going to make some moon cookies!

Warm Up Your Hearth

My faithful student,

I request of you and your friends a small favor. Well, not small; a big favor. I'd like you to come to Canterlot to perform the Hearth's Warming Eve play.

Apparently, the actors I'd originally hired for the show had a falling out last night, and absolutely refuse to perform together now. It involved some petty feud over who got to be Clover the Clever.

This is outstandingly remarkable considering the Earth ponies and Pegasi wanted to play as her despite Clover being a Unicorn. Somehow that didn't deter them as they brought horn props just for that; at this point, I don't doubt they brought fake wings in case they fought over Commander Hurricane. That'd be some First Class gumption right there.

But considering they couldn't come to a satisfying conclusion on that, I surmised that none of them were clever enough to be her if they couldn't reach a compromise. In fact, I told them as much. Really should have taken a photo of their faces.

Thankfully the Windigos I hired are still raring to go. Yes, the frigid demons of the Clamber Mountain range. Don’t worry about a thing regarding their cold spell. I told them to go easy on the icing this year; last year pony popsicles almost became a reality, and I don’t want a repeat performance of Chattering Teeth: The Musical. But otherwise, I'm now six or seven actors short--the narrator's on the fence as of this letter--so bring Spike just in case they bail too.

And remember: this is the biggest holiday play in all of Equestria. You'll be performing in front of a large crowd of influential ponies from many towns across this land and for foreigners beyond the borders, in addition to the... ugh, nobles from my own city. No pressure or anything, but please please please don't mess this up. Unlike the smarmy noble parties, this is something I don’t want going awry because of the foreign dignitaries.

I place my faith in you and your friends, Twilight. This play is now in your hooves.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Yes, Luna, you’re coming as well. Ah ah, no buts. It won’t kill you to watch a play for thirty minutes.

What? No, are you nuts? You know how expensive the concessions are outside! They’d charge a foreleg if they could!

...okay, we’ll get SOME treats there, but promise me you won’t throw popcorn at them if they turn out to be awful. Or rocks. Especially rocks.

Friend Appreciation Day

Author's Notes:

What the--no letters written to the Princess for this one? Not even any invitations either? Well, shoot. What am I to do?

Well, I suppose I can just do... something like this. Hope you good folk don't mind.

Dear Granny Smith,

It's that time of the year again, isn't it? I can feel it. The Zap Apples are here, and that means it's time for our yearly gathering.

Ooh, those things are sinfully delicious, moreso when you make them into that tasteful jam. But you and I both know about the other product you make from those. Ah, that tangy Zap Apple Cider's going to be exquisite; I'm going to look forward to that tonight.

I'll bring some aged Merlon Merlot from my private wine cellar. Mayor Mare should bring some of that spicy liquor of hers... what was it called... Flagon's Start? Maggot's Fart? Whatever the name, that's always a good way we end the night.

Except the night we camped out in the Shadewoods last year. That was... well, those woods don't exist anymore, do they? It's a field now, I think. There's still one tree at the top of a hill, but that hardly counts as woods. Shadewood, probably, but that's it.

We'll meet there, and when we drink that last liquor, we’ll keep our distance from that tree.

I'll see you tonight, Granny.

Your Friend Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Luna's hovering over my shoulder right now and wants to come. You might want to mentally prepare yourself for her Moonshine.

I mean it.

Dear Mayor Mare,

Thanks for your report today in letting me know that no incidents occurred in Ponyville. It's the best news I've heard this week. Yes, no news is good news to me.

In regards to your footnote question on what to bring, go ahead and get that spicy liquor you brought last time. Yes, I know we burnt down those woods with it on accident, but at least nothing lived there. Well, nothing larger than a timberwolf, at least. I hope they're not sour over losing that territory of theirs.

Anyway, there's one tree left; I checked earlier this afternoon, and it's standing proud and tall in the sunlight. We won't burn this one down; we'll drink your liquor far away from it. I'd like that tree to still be preserved.

You know where the woods used to be. I'll head out there as soon as Luna raises the moon. Speaking of my sister, she's coming along as well.

"If you haven't tasted true fear yet, you will for ten minutes." That's the warning Luna gave me for her Moonshine. If you can ride that out, awesome. If not, I've packed smelling salts in case you fall asleep. You don't want to be sleeping after drinking it.

Be prepared if you're going to drink it, Mayor. That stuff doesn't joke around.

Your Friend Forever,

Princess Celestia

Oh, I'm fine, Luna. Just trying to purge that horrid nightmare I had when I tried your Moonshine the first time.

Yes, the one with a thousand Pinkies on parade. And the horns! So many horns.

No no, I don't need your sleep therapy solution. It's not a cure-all, and I have salts ready anyway. Trust me, I’m ready for round two.

Cake is Not a Baby Staple Food

Pinkamena Demon Pie,

A round of congratulations are in order. First, extend it to Mr. and Mrs. Cake for producing two children. Extend it again toward Mrs. Cake for her incredible tolerance for every "bun in the oven" joke she's no doubt heard throughout her pregnancy. You and I both know she's heard that too often.

Second, congratulations on learning the same lesson Fluttershy learned a while ago, only with more mature wording. This is shocking given your predisposed tendency to make everyone around you slightly nuttier within a twenty yard radius, and that includes babies. Given how much you know, I'm more shocked there was anything for you to even learn at all, because you have more people skills than anypony in town.

Third, congratulations on Pinkism finally taking some roots here in Canterlot. One of your devout believers came by with pink pamphlets detailing the wonders and enjoyments of living under an almighty watchful eye that, curiously, was yours. I'm looking at it right now, and it's really creepy. Do you know that? This thing will spook ponies, and probably a cockatrice.

I-I think it just moved. It followed me for a second. That's... this is going in the trash. Thanks, but no thanks. Pinkie Promises are as far as I'll go with you, but this is too much.

Anyway, I think I'll just close this letter before--

O-Oh! Hi Pinkie! You... you're in my trash bin. That's new. Super creepy, but new.

No, I didn't scare your follower. What are you talking about?

Oh please, it could have been any larger-than-average white horse with a flowing colorful mane. There's maybe three or four others with that physical description I've seen today on my way to Cuppa's!

Okay, I'll give you that Alicorn is really specific, but we have plenty of actors here in Canterlot, and they have replica horns and wings! It could be one of them!

I expect you to believe what you will. But I Pinkie Promise that I did not spook your follower out of town.

Good, glad that's settled. Wait WAIT, you forgot--

Oh well, you'll get this letter anyway.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Oh, there you are Lu--you spilled the flour again, didn't you? Don't lie. You're covered head to hoof in... the... stuff...

Sister, you didn't happen to spook anypony in town today, did you? Perhaps a pony waving around... pamphlets?

Luna, lock your doors tonight. LOCK. THEM. ALL.

Round Up From Last

Dear Applequack,

Of all the ponies I expected to uphold their greatest value that Twilight had seen, I would never have predicted that you would lie outside of a Discord intervention, especially over something as petty as pride and money.

Look, I know your family has a habit of making mountains out of molehills. Apple Bloom had made that quite clear in the letters she had sent me about her lessons learned, and Granny's always worried that she takes advantage of my generosity too often.

I reminded her that Mayor Mare asks me for funds all the time, and I almost never turn her down because those are usually for town emergencies. Even a personal emergency like a lack of hair dye to keep her hair shimmering silver was of no consequence; what's a bag of bits between good friends that are good on their word?

Which circles back to you, Appleknack. I understand you promised you'd bring money back after your little venture. I even admire your determination in seeing to it that the money would come, even going so far as to have a backup plan to bring bits home.

But what I don't admire is the way you went about this by lying instead of openly admitting your faults to your family, one so understanding of faults within their members it rivals even Fluttershy.

If this feels like reiteration, that's because this is, and it's really important. Family will always be there for you, even if they may not be understanding of all your decisions. The only fault is if a family carries too much pride within themselves--much like the nobles here where a name matters more than anything--but that is not your family.

The sooner you learn this, the better.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Tell Granny I can't go bar hopping this week. The nobles got antsy over me declaring Canterlot benefit parties illegal after I found out the benefactors weren't charities, but themselves. Just tell her I'm dealing with rich pony problems again; that should be more than enough.

Evening, Luna... what's wrong?

Oh, Luna. Don't mind the nobles. They always get riled up when I spot some dumb thing they do that makes no sense and just exists to piss off poor ponies even more. What should their words matter to me--

"Bit breaking, cake cramming, date damning, fanny flogging, joy jamming, party pooping waste of a crown and a title?" Please, that's kindergarten insults. It's not like they insulted our mother--

...Luna, get your horn.

The Super Seedy Cider Squeezy 9001

Dear Applesack,

What... what is this?

This letter you wrote is... nothing. Just... you learned nothing, told me you learned nothing, and borderline bragged about not learning anything when the whole point of these letters is to write that you learned something. Anything! Even a fake lesson would have been fine! Yes, that would be a white lie, but I would have preferred that over this... this thing!

Look, I know you have the most common sense out of everypony in town--yes, more than even Granny and the Mayor--but this letter slaps that notion in the face. That, and telling me about how good your common sense is means nothing when I've been exposed to so little in day court I wonder if it's even common sense to show up there at all, or put my crown on a pillow and throw it in my chair. At this point, I don't believe they can tell the difference.

Appleyak, there's something about honesty you should know by now, and that's when to realize when it's appropriate to be honest, and when it's better to say nothing. In the case of these letters, they're meant for when you learn something. That "something" should never be "nothing," because that defeats the purpose. I know you're normally blunt, but that doesn't mean you should make this pointless.

I warn you once, and once only: do not waste my time again, or I'll send you a copy of the transcript from one of my day courts. That will be a solid hundred-page brick of words that waste the ink that wrote them. I honestly feel terrible for Quick Quill; he hates recording that garbage more than I do reading the words, and I don't blame him.

Also, I formally request that you get off of Granny's case when she leaves the house for our drinking nights. She's a grown mare capable of making her own decisions, and I'm there with her just in case she makes terrible ones. Trust me when I say that I make sure she doesn't get any tattoos on her flank; she considered it once before I told her that the word "juicy" probably isn't the best thing for the grandchildren to see. And great grandchildren.

I apologize in advance for that mental image and any bodily reactions that follow.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, why are you holding a feather?

No, I don't have any tattoos. Did one of the maids tell you tha--don't bring that feather close to me!

Haa haa, you... you won't find anything! I--ehee--I mean it, Luna! Stop--AHAAHAA!

Author's Notes:

Note: Starting today, updates will slow down to every other day. Writing a sidestory for these letters, for those unaware, and it features the drunk adventures of three old mares.

Hey, that rhymed! Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I've got some more writing to do.

No Weeping Over Reading, Rainbow

Rainbow Dash,

In my limited experience with you, there's one thing I thought I pegged about you: you seemed willing to try anything, or at least do anything, especially on a dare. You always sought ways to challenge yourself, be it an extreme via physical restraint or time constraint. You looked for difficulty in places no one else would, and pushing yourself beyond your limits seemed standard fare assuming the rainbooms I've been hearing, seeing, and clinging onto my nailed-to-the-floor chair for dear life to keep myself upright were any clear indicators.

Which makes this lesson you learned all the more... baffling. Of all the things you could have refused, of all the challenges turned down... reading, Rainbow? Really?

I get it, reading can be boring or just plain infuriating sometimes. I could tell you of the countless words written I've seen over my rule and how incredibly soul-sucking they are when they amount to some ridiculous notion of a "poor tax" or a "fast lane for elite members" in the biggest stack of fecal bricks that I call "the dumb law pile." Really, it's like these folk are just trying their hardest to be king of the hill, and they forget who's sitting at the top shaking their head in disgust.

But reading is mandatory for your job. How did you function as a head of the local weather team? I know for a fact scheduled weather reports are faxed to the Mayor, so is that the only piece of literature you read besides textbooks in school?

If so, I feel terrible for you. Being exposed to nothing but, as you might put it, "boring egghead books" would certainly skew your opinion on them as a whole. But I am quite pleased you discovered that not all books need be educational, and that many can be read for pure enjoyment.

If my student hasn't already suggested it, I'd say the Daring Do series is right up your alley. I'm currently on "Daring Do and the Tower of Power," and let me just say that she knows how to kick some serious flank in this one, even with a bandaged eye. She even got a chokehold on one and--oh dear, I'm spoiling the fun. You'll get to that one eventually.

Anyway, enjoy the wonderful world of books, Rainbow. But before I close this out, a word of advice: steer clear of the stuffy romance novels. Those authors will ship anything these days.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Ah, there you are, Luna. Care to join me for a story?

The Daring Do series. It came out a few years ago so... well, it's really enjoyable. Want to listen?

Well, get on the bed then! I'll just start from the beginning.

Broken Hearts and Hooves

Mayor Mare,

I need to confirm something. According to your report, an entire house was pulled clean off its foundation, a massive hole was found dug out near a road with a mattress in it, and a pile of destroyed furniture sat nearby with a paper sign saying "free junk" on top of all of it.

This sounds like a divorce gone bad with a jilted spouse taking "'Til death do us part" way too seriously. Either that, or it's Hearts and Hooves Day. Probably both.

Gods, this holiday. I swear it just exists to make singles feel awful about themselves by celebrating couples and their mushy habits of loving each other. Are anniversaries and birthdays not enough? Do Father's and Mother's Day not show enough appreciation? Do we truly need a day dedicated to love when love shouldn't be forced onto us this way?

I digress. Day court today saw fit to grace me with some bold stallions and mares asking me for advice on how to woo the special somepony of their heart's desires, and even going so far as to ask me if I could set up their dates.

Mayor, I haven't even been approached for a date in over eight hundred years. Everypony's too scared or intimidated to ask, thinking I'm out of their league, I'm too good for them... that sort of thing. Even our bar trips have ponies keeping their distance from us, although to be fair, they have good reason to keep that distance. Granny's a mean snapping turtle when she gets mad.

So what even gave them the idea that my dating advice is relevant for their generation? The dating advice I do have hails from a time when soap was considered optional! "Uh, make sure to clean under your tail and between your hind legs," was the most timely thing I could possibly think of, however blatantly obvious that sounds.

They took that advice to heart.

As for me setting up their dates, I declined. If they don't have the spine to ask themselves, they won't have it later when it matters. I shouldn't have to play matchmaker for them, but I did recommend a location that's not too posh or too seedy. A respectable location, with a small park just across the street, and a donut shop around the corner if they wanted a sweet treat for later.

Cuppa will enjoy today. I know it.

Anyway, enclosed with this letter should be enough to cover Ponyville's damages this week. Keep me posted if anything creeps out of the Everfree, and I'll keep in touch next week.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Tell Granny we're set for visiting Peachy's Parlor over in Reinsford later this month. Both of you bring a peach; trust me, it's for good reason.

Author's Notes:

Greetings, dear readers and other good folk!

For those interested, the bar story I mentioned before passed moderation, which you can find right here if you're up for an extra dose of crazy.

Otherwise, thanks for reading, and have an awesome day.

Pinkie Always Needs Friends

Dear Pinkie,

Look, I know you're starved for cult members, and you're probably still sour over the expansion to Canterlot falling out.

Another one of your... more dedicated members visited to preach, and I have to ask something: what is up with their smile? When they smile, it's wide. Unnaturally wide. I think their jaw unhinged, and I'm pretty sure I saw a second row of teeth. That is CREEPY, Pinkie.

That didn't sell anyone on your religion, obviously, and they left without incident a few hours later. I guess you should be satisfied that at least everypony in Ponyville is part of your little religious zeal by now.

But if I read this letter correctly, coupled with the Mayor informing me of a new citizen that moved in recently, then your friendship report pretty much told me that this new face was a hard sell to convert to your Pinkist cult. Even after you managed to get through to them, they still sound like they prefer a restraining order on you, however useless that piece of paper is.

You know mine's on my tower, right? It's just to the side of the balcony entrance in plain view; I know you see it. I know it says it's okay for you to visit once a month, but you're visiting me once a week. And no, scratching out "month" on the order and adding "week" in blue ink surrounded with sparkly glitter doesn't change that fact.

Anyway, in terms of your lesson learned, it's still valid. Not everypony you meet will be bubbly and cheerful, and they might prefer peace and quiet for weeks or months at a time like I do. Dogged persistence as prevalent as yours can certainly foster friendship, but you must also recognize when such a pursuit is too heavy-hoofed. Push too far, and you'll just push away.

Friendship is a fine balance between showing enough care and interest to let them know of it, but never so much as to be annoying, coddling, or condescending. It's a balance I thought I had for Luna long ago; that was a careless mistake of a careless mind, and it's one I will NOT repeat. Take care that you mind yours, or else you'll find that pushing away is all you're capable of.

That said, I also formally request that you stop harassing Mayor Mare over the lack of funds for a cathedral, and by extension, harassing me for funding of said cathedral. The treasury's bits only go towards demanding financial and official crises, not religious. If you want it built, you'll need to raise the money yourself. Ask for donations, have a bake sale organized, do something besides racketeer me for money!

Please.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Lu-oof!

Luna?! Hold on, let me get some tissues.

Here. Blow your nose, wipe those tears, take a deep breath.

She came for you, didn’t she? It’s okay, it’s okay; she came for me too, sister.

Of course you can stay here tonight. Just don’t kick off the covers.

Celestia Puts Her Hoof Down

Dear Fluttershy,

"Unpleasant and mean" is a gross understatement of your demeanor today. I never expected Mayor to forward a public disturbance report with your name on it, but it's here, written clearly in black ink. I'm still stunned it's here on my desk.

Do you know how harsh you were? You were mean enough for Pinkie to visit me for consolation this afternoon. Yes, Pinkie. Look, zealous leader of a smile cult or not, insulting her intelligence and her career as party planner is amazingly low. And from what she squeaked out amid her sobbing about Rarity, she clearly got some flak from you as well.

I could hardly imagine such blatant cruelty outside of Discord's return, and we both know that you weren't yourself then. It isn't you now, and never was, so if you're still beating yourself up or bound to a chair or something, stop. Straighten yourself up; you are not wholly responsible for your actions today, for someone else prompted you to act that way.

Although neither your letter nor Mayor's report mentioned who or what caused this, I know what happened. You visited an assertiveness workshop held by a blue minotaur with dominance issues, right? He was in Canterlot yesterday trying out his tactics on the nobles; the nobles, in turn, tried said tactics on me today in day court.

Fluttershy, just because someone says something loud enough and in your face long enough doesn't make what they're saying any more truthful. Being assertive isn't the same as being a jerk. The nobles didn't quite learn that after his workshop, but once they met my big stick in day court, they changed their minds. Fast.

I'm happy you came to this realization on your own, however. Really happy, because Brutus the Branch was on a warpath, and it didn't mind smacking some sense in another town. You saved me a trip, and for that I thank you.

You've obviously corrected your relations with your friends today, and you should be quite thankful they were so forgiving. But should you relapse, and Pinkie comes to me again in tears...

We're going to have a good, long talk. Brutus will be waiting.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Can I ask you something?

You didn't happen to take anything from my room, did you? Something red and round, about the size of my hoof, resistant to squeezing.

What? You threw it at Discord and lost it?! Great. Just great. Now what am I supposed to use?

Luna, what are you--

...okay, a hug is better than a stress ball.

It's Not Time I'm Worried About

Warden Pyre Fly,

You own the worst guard dog in the history of guard dogs. Maybe even the worst dog, period.

In case my student hasn't made it clear to you, your three-headed mongrel found himself in Ponyville today. I don't know what your handlers do in their spare time, but it clearly isn't learning how to track a dog the size of a stagecoach, or doing anything to get him back. How you managed to hire those two ponies as competent dog handlers when they can barely control their bladders in Tartarus is beyond my comprehension.

They're clearly not taking care of him either, according to Mayor's report. Other eyewitnesses at the time pointed out how irritated he appeared, and were it not for Fluttershy's intervention, he would have bitten somepony. You're lucky he succumbed to her belly rubs, or else I would be forwarding lawsuits to you right now.

I know you have a ton on your plate, but mistreatment of an intimidating animal sitting between Equestria and the demons of Tartarus should be more than a passing thought. It should be one of your top priorities, and the fact that it isn't has me wondering what exactly you ARE prioritizing, Warden.

Actually, I don't have to wonder. Permission to refurbish your bathroom to the standard of the Bits Hotel is denied. You have more pressing matters to attend to besides wiping your own arse, like saving it right now.

Treat Cerberus with the care and respect he deserves, and keep him on a tight leash. He's one of the few reasons the prisoners stay in Tartarus for good reason. Do not neglect that reason, or else we'll have hell to pay.

And if I hear anything about him escaping again, YOU will be put on a tight leash, understand? And for gods' sakes, will you give him something to play with?! My student got him back with a ball, so give him a ball pit or something to play in!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Hire new handlers. The current ones you have are more useless than the dog. This is not an order, but a strong advisory suggestion.

Also, look into him not having that belly rub weakness around the prisoners. If any of them catch wind of it, you're going to hear about it from me. In person.

Questing for Dragons? Again?!

Dear Spike,

Again, you seem to be the only creature that benefits the most from these friendship lessons besides Twilight, and this is saying leagues about your development.

I'm not too surprised you participated in the migration, Spike. It was an eventuality you would do so one day, and neither I nor Twilight could keep you from it forever. Especially now that the dragon numbers have reached their highest since... well, the last migration, but you were still in Canterlot then, and goodness knows how many tasks Twilight put you through while you two were here.

You've seen how most dragons act, I take it? Brutish and rude, aggressive beasts, they've no qualms with theft or claiming admirable feats of strength. I'm not sure how much you recall from your own incident regarding such disrespectful behavior, but now you've seen how terrible such creatures can be for yourself.

But also recognize that they are capable of good. They can share and care, despite their greedy appetite, and have a strong sense of community among their kind despite their shortcomings. They may not look it as a whole, but most dragons aren't pricks, and are actually nicer than the rest of the world thinks.

The Dragon Migration is the culmination of that positive community, existing as a point in time where all dragons set aside their pettiness for a week and revel in the company of friends, acquaintances, and rivals far from pony civilization, which is great for a myriad of reasons that keep our towns away from their more... destructive tendencies.

Fluttershy must have done a fantastic job in that regard. Minor scorching to a single trench area in Mayor's damage report is a load of difference compared to the Acres losing another barn to dragonfire again. Clearly she's doing her job properly, and I picked a perfect Dragon Watch pony.

Either that or she chickened out and we'll have yet another issue to properly discuss. I certainly hope it's not that, otherwise Brutus will be pulling double duty.

Anyway, you learned a powerful lesson about what family means to you, and the definition you provided is about as good as it gets. Just remember that it will also include less desirable family members that you'll just love to hate or simply tolerate. Not every member of your family will be ideal in that regard, but be accepting of them all the same.

Continue to learn alongside Twilight, Spike. I look forward to your next report.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello Luna. Nice flower tattoo on your face. How were the children at school today?

Funding a field trip for tomorrow to Rainbow Falls? Of course we can pay for that, but we can do better.

Why, baking treats for them, obviously! You go ahead and make your moon treats; I'll make some sun muffins.

I haven't told you yet? Well, I'll teach you. The first thing you need to do is--

Bonus: Burnt Notice

From the desk of Princess Celestia.

Dear Spike,

Please tell Twilight to stay away from the dragon migration grounds. You don't know what happened the last time she visited sacred dragon grounds, and it's better you don't know until you're older. Just kindly pass along this warning to her, and if she still doesn't heed it, I'll give her a VERY personal lecture on how not to act around adult dragons.

Also, if Fluttershy is present, pass along the reminder that she's the town dragon watch, so I expect her to do her best today in regards to keeping Ponyville safe. If Granny's barn burns down again, I'll get an essay from her griping about dragonfire for half a day, so please please please make sure she does her job. I have enough on my plate today as is making sure Luna doesn't shout at the dragons.

She is a big fan of dragons. Too big, actually. Her "HELLO" greetings are so booming they screw up the dragon's flight path and send them crashing to the ground, and wouldn't you know that that causes problems for them? Big, diplomatic problems resulting from an interrupted migration thanks to my sister's big mouth?

When that happened, the dragons crashed into the ground deep enough to dig a ravine so wide we had to build bridges over it to reestablish a trade path in the south. Dubbed by our people as the Dragon's Trench, the dragons received a grim reminder of what happened that day.

I'm praying she doesn't remember today is the day of the migration, and I've been distracting her with just about anything I can think of this afternoon. Doing each other's make-up, playing games, the like. So long as she doesn't know, everything will be fi--

GAH! Luna, how long were you there?

No, of course today isn't the day of the migration! You just heard things wrong!

Luna, don't go out that balcony. Don't you do it! There's nothing to see--

Ponyfeathers!

Hurricane Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

I've been meaning to get around to asking this question, but why do Pegasi use such a ridiculous method to funnel water up to Cloudsdale? There has to be an easier, less natural disaster-causing method than whipping up a water tornado just to transfer reservoir fluid from the selected town to there.

Do you know what happens when Pegasi lose control of the tornadoes they whip up? Pegasi get flung away and crash into all sorts of locations, and if they're fortunate, the tornado disperses. If not, it goes on a rampage tearing through the area for at least an hour before it's corralled and under control. That's not the average time; that's the minimum. I understand it's a Pegasi tradition thing, but seriously, when a tradition threatens the lives of participants and bystanders when things go wrong on an incredible scale, maybe it's time to figure out a balance between upholding tradition and filing a casualty report.

As an example, Winter Wrap Up used to fire Earth ponies into the sky to clear the clouds via catapults and trebuchets. Yes, instead of launching normal things like rocks, they launched themselves the same way Pegasi used to do for their fledgling young for their first flight. "It's raining colts and mares" was not an uncommon phrase at the time.

It took about two centuries before the tradition was finally changed to let Pegasi contribute and make things easier, but they still refuse to have Unicorns help using their magic because... well, I'm sure a good reason still exists to keep that traditional wall standing tall.

Actually, I'll just address Cloudsdale on this, and discuss with them a few methods that would probably cause less collateral damage. Things like hoses, having Earth and Unicorn make buckets and/or a funnel, moving the city closer to lower the required wingpower if they're still stubborn on using that chaotic method... you know, a compromise to make it less compromising if it gets out of hoof.

And they'll listen, because they know what a REAL natural disaster looks like if they don't.

Now, in regards to your lesson, yes, teamwork is a very crucial thing, and everybody's contribution helps, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. But that contribution doesn't matter if you get injured trying to help and fail on an all-or-nothing method, which is a Pegasi-driven tornado powered by criminal amounts of safety negligence.

Pass this along to Rainbow Dash, and I'll look forward to your next letter.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Eating Cake Shouldn't be Confidential

Dear "Gabby Gums", aka Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom,

Thank you. Thank you for lifting the veil of overbearing stiffness and demolishing the deified stature ponies have long held me to as a peak in standards.

Finally I get to see myself portrayed in a non-glamorous light thanks to you three, and whoever you hired as your photographer. Because hey, I love cake, and don't mind eating it without magic or letting things get messy. Everypony always assumed I ate my meals with a level of dignity, and I do for formal dinner parties with ponies I need to act proper for. But outside of those stuffy arrangements, I'm just like any other pony.

Except now I have a small problem. As is the case with all news, every noble in Canterlot misinterpreted that and decided to give me cake. Like, all the cake from the bakeries here, and I think some imported fruitcake I can use as a doorstop. I'm swimming in so much cake, frosting, and fruity filling I could hold a day-long cake festival in town where everypony is invited and I would STILL have enough pounds of sugar slices left over to feed all of Ponyville for a week.

Just because I like something doesn't mean I like being flooded with it until I can't get the smell of vanilla out of my nose, and as much as this feels like something I'm sure Pinkie would greatly appreciate, I don't when I can't even walk around my castle without having to eat my way through some of it.

There's cake on the walls, cake lining the halls, even upside-downs hanging from the roof like sweet disco balls. And it all has to be gone before the motherlode of ants comes for the feast of their tiny lifetimes. I can't eat it all by myself; my guards have already eaten more than their fill, and Luna's eaten so much she's bloated to the size of a fat watermelon. I'm in a similar predicament, but can't leave my bed. I think it's creaking under the weight.

Thus, in congratulations for your pinpoint-accurate coverage of my cake-eating habit, whatever cake we don't finish by today you'll get in a shipment tomorrow. It's the least I can do to reward such honest reporting, and who knows, it might be your next headline. "Tiny Reporters Get Their Just Desserts" sounds fantastic.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna? Hang on, I'll open the door and--dear gods, you ate more?!

No, Luna, you need to get off this floor of the tower immediately. It wasn't designed to hold the weight of two elephants, let alone--

Did you hear that? That cracking sound. It's--oh no. Luna, hold onto your rolls. NO, not the sweet rolls, the fat ones! We're going down the express elevator.

Express Delivery for a MMMasterful Treat

Pinkie,

I ask you this, miss observant and semi-omnipotent: am I stuck in a time loop? Because, by the gods, I'm reading a lesson on the importance of not jumping to conclusions. Again.

I've said or heard the words "don't jump to conclusions" millions upon millions of times, most of the time said by me, with the rest mentioned by nobles in a half-hearted apology after being called out in day court on their amazing lack of perception. I've said it to half your group of friends by now, including my student over five hundred times. It's officially become a part of my morning routine to practice mouthing those words so my jaw doesn't lock up while saying them. Please don't make me repeat those words to you any more.

In other news, the National Dessert Competition went spectacularly well, and it was good to see everypony there cheering on those fantastic sweets. It took a while for Luna and me to make it--we're still recovering from the Cake Colossi Incident and needed to be airlifted to the event. We could walk, but flying's faster. Our Pegasi guards may lack wit, but more than make that up in awesome brawn.

Although I must say that a joint collaborative entry between four of the competitors is something we haven't seen before. Really defeats the purpose of a competition, if you ask me, but I didn't complain when it made a dessert that decided to mix doughnuts, eclairs, cake, and mousse into a sweet smorgasbord that was a feast for the taste buds.

It's just a shame it didn't win because of Peach Cobbler's Cobbler Castle. I couldn't believe that such a thing was possible to build with nothing but cobbler ingredients, but it stood proud and tall, trouncing every other entry in height alone. Everything was edible, even the tower spires, and it was so unspeakably delicious that I couldn't find the words to describe it as Luna and I chowed on it like ravenous titans.

Now Pinkie, I know what you'll do to Peach Cobbler. It's the same thing that happened to Brew Lay and Madame Macaroon when they won the last two competitions you've entered, and what you tried to do to me when you thought I was just spiteing you. They still haven't recovered from your Sugar Bomb Delight, and are still in therapy for their busted teeth and crippling sugar addiction. I'm fine, and you should know that it will take more than an irresistibly sweet jawbreaker to take me down.

Do not send another one to me. I'm done with those terrible things, you hear me?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello Luna--what is that lump in the side of your mouth?

NO! You spit that out this instant! You don't know what you're getting into with that thing!

I don't care how sweet it is, it won't be when you find yourself craving another as soon as it's gone! Now. Spit. It. Out!

Thank you, Luna. Now, leave. I need to dispose of this before... before...

I'm Never Hosting Weddings Again, Part 1

Shining Armor,

So, you came up to me today and asked to wed my darling Cadance. Just strode up to me in day court and proudly professed your love for her in front of an audience. The pregnant silence following your declaration came as you waited for my response, as did the rest of the nobles biting their hooves over the possibly lost prospect of marrying my treasured niece.

Boy, you got some balls that, for the past few years, I thought were missing. Never in my dreams did I foresee such a bold move on your part when I recall her first experience dating you described as talking to a wall with nerdy scribbles written on it. But putting me on the spot right there, something nopony had done for centuries... that took guts. Real guts.

I'll be honest; the only reason I said "no" right then and there was because I needed to confirm it with Cadance to see if it was really true. Although I already knew that--she sent me letters once a week that just would NOT shut up about how much she adores you--I needed to hear it from her lips, in person.

And do you know what she said? She couldn't bear to live another day without you. She genuinely loves you with all her heart, and believes you feel the same. She even foresees living the rest of her days with you in true happiness, peaceful days, and other sappy gobbledygook words of endearment that screamed at me how much she loves you.

Therefore, you have my permission to wed her. Not that you needed it--she's of age, and you could have a done a secret wedding at Cheapy Steeple over in Las Pegasus. But since you decided to be braver than that, oh proud Captain of my guard, I'll even host the wedding here. Oh, but it'll have to happen soon. Within three days, at least.

You've got some invitations to send, so you better get on that, but I'll just leave one last bit of advice:

If you break her heart, you and Brutus are going to have a Sticks and Stones competition. And he will break a bone.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...what is that noise? It sounds like a giant mosquito.

Luna, you hear that too? Good, then it's not just me and--okay, that noise is REALLY bugging me.

Shush, you know I didn't mean that pun. Anyway, get your fly swatter ready, Luna. We're stamping this thing out, because I do NOT want bugs ruining the wedding!

I'm Never Hosting Weddings Again, Part 2

Author's Notes:

To my readers:

Thank you for sticking around. It's been a blast writing these things.

In preparation for the third season, I've decided to open up Celestia's mailbox for fanmail once again! Details can be found here.

Twilight Sparkle, Cadance, Shining Armor, and those affiliated with the wedding,

I believe I afford you all an explanation as to the events that transpired during the wedding, specifically the whereabouts of my sister, Luna, and why I choked on taking down that bug queen.

To start, Luna wasn't in Canterlot for the entirety of the wedding. Last night, she and I discovered that Changelings from the Badlands had found their way onto the castle grounds. I didn't think that dragon smoke would come back to bite me in the arse, but that's what I get for smoking out a hive I didn't even know existed. Hindsight at its finest.

Anyway, in the interest of saving time in both protecting the town and tracking down the source of the infestation, she agreed to seek out their hidey hole while I held down the fort. She has yet to return, but I'm certain she's busy smacking those bugs around with her swatter as I speak.

As for me, I found a note one of the intruding Changelings had on their person, specifically addressed to me by their good queen. I... won't go into the details as to what was in it, but I mentioned a rather big threat has been made in it to Shining, and he set up the barrier that lasted 'till the day of the wedding.

Then, as you all know, a lot of things went down. I said some things I regret, Shining has said worse he regrets, and Cadance regrets turning Twilight Velvet's guest room upside-down looking for anything Chrysalis may have left behind after learning of her bedding with Shining for two nights... sort of. She's a tad possessive of you, Shining, and I'd keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't do anything too... drastic.

But more importantly, all of you deserve to know what exactly went on in the throne room where I fell in front of everyone in the most depressing upset in power since the story of the Love Poisoned Lovers.

First off, my ponies, know that when I fell, I did so for two reasons and two reasons only. The first relates to underestimation of her accumulated power, and the second is fear of collateral damage upon overpowering her.

I had cast a simple immobilizing spell that would have incapacitated most unicorns at low to mid-levels of magic prowess--I did not expect Chrysalis to have absorbed that much energy and resist it so easily. Kudos to her for being efficient with her time, and for catching me off-guard as a result.

But why didn't I simply overpower her? Because I risked the chance of a magical explosion when two spells contest each other. That sort of explosion is one that can't be contained, and usually leaves a large crater with nothing in it being safe from harm, and usually seriously injures those inside the blast. Not only would this ruin my throne room, it would also gravely wound many standing within the immediate vicinity, including the Element Bearers. There was simply too much at stake to lose, and I don't gamble with other ponies' lives in a crossfire situation.

I had told Twilight to get the Elements afterward, and the rest of the story everyone knows to some degree. Chryssy got cocky instead of defensive--thank the gods for that feat of taking down an alicorn getting to her head--and Shining and Cadance saved the day by casting their rapidly expanding barrier spell.

That unfortunately had the downside of leaving a few changeling-sized holes in many of the houses and complexes they've intruded in, and even a hole or two in the castle garden floor. Shining, darling Cadance, you two might want to tone that down a bit next time IF a next time ever happens again. Now I have to deal with property damage claims, and gods, the nobles LOVE to nitpick on exactly "what" was damaged. Ancient antiquities? A lamp they bought one day ago? Grandmother's jar of ashes? You'd think the last one is reasonable... until the court's doors close and they think it's soundproof while cheering, "Woohoo! Free jar!"

There is no low.

Anyway, I deeply apologize to you all for not explaining the Changeling threat sooner, and I've learned a great lesson on how to deal with bugs: buy piles of citrus bug repellent, and never underestimate the potential of a love-leeching pest again.

Sleep well, my little ponies, and again, congratulations to the happy couple. May your days be filled with less domestic violence than today, and I hope you have a wonderful honeymoon.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If I hear any gossip about me being weak, I will HAPPILY correct anyone who believes in that notion.

Oh, Luna! You've retur--

Wait. Before I get excited, you remember that thing I told you about?

You know, the thing in your room I mentioned just before you left? What was it you were going to hang tonight?

No, 'Luna', it was a bug net. And it looks like I've caught one MORE!

Hah, good work, Brutus. She'll be changing back any second now.

...aaaany second now.

...oh ponyfeathers, she's gonna kill me when she wakes up.

The Crystal Empire Strikes Back, Part 1

My dearest Twilight,

You must come to Canterlot at once.

A place thought long forgotten has surfaced once more in Equestria. For over a thousand years, it has been hidden from us, but a Royal Scout Division has brought us news of its return.

It is here that you will face a most grave task, one that falls upon your shoulders to take. I... probably shouldn't give it to you, but hey, you've been sitting around in Ponyville long enough learning friendship lessons for now. What I want to see from you is exactly how you handle the situation that I will further explain upon your arrival.

If you like, you can consider this a test of sorts--one that you cannot afford to fail. If you do, Luna and I will need to step in and fix the problem, but only if it is absolutely necessary.

Remember, Twilight: this test is meant for you, and it is here I suspect you will learn a very hard lesson. It won't be comfortable to learn, but you must learn it all the same.

You will get further details on what exactly this test is as soon as you get here. Trust me, this is something far too big to thoroughly explain in this letter. You will want to hear it directly from me.

I await your arrival, and don't keep me waiting long.

I mean it. I have things to do to clean up the remnants and damages still left over from the wedding, including tending to a slew of Missing Pony reports. Luna and I are particularly troubled by this since Cuppa Joe seemed to have disappeared, but that's not why we're troubled.

As it turns out, Pony Joe doesn't remember having a brother. In fact, upon checking our citizen records, Cuppa doesn't exist. We haven't had much need to check them until now. But with this information, there's a few conclusions that can be drawn from this, and none of them are pretty.

Given he's the Royally Designated Brewmaster, we cannot leave this sit idle. We will find him--we must. Otherwise, we have to visit Brown Bean's Barista Bar for our morning fix, and that guy never gets our orders right. I think he even screws up our names on purpose. Seriously, Saladia and Gouda? Is he four?

I sidetracked a bit. Anyway, come as soon as you can. I'll be waiting.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, please tell me you found Cuppa. He's not dead, is he?

Oh, thank goodness, I feared he was--aaaand you still don't seem happy. Is he injured, or...?

He's... one of them? Huh. Well, now I feel like a prick for buying him a bug bomb after he complained about bitterbeetles getting into his coffee beans. No wonder he gave me the stink eye.

No no, we won't throw him in prison. We'll talk with him first, and it'll be a nice talk. No Brutus, just us in a room while we sort this situation out. Let's not jump to conclusions yet.

The Crystal Empire Strikes Back, Part 2

Crystal Princess Cadance,

Dear gods, that sounds tacky. Do I really have to call you that?

Anyway, I write this to you to bring both good news and bad. You'll want to sit down for the bad news, so I'll just start with the good first.

The good news is I can maybe bargain the murder charge down to involuntary slaughter. The bad news is the Crystal Empire is being charged with the murder of Sombra.

I know what you're thinking. "But he was an evil tyrant that enslaved the crystal ponies, generally making their lives miserable!" That is true, and certainly evil in its own regard. But such crimes are not deserving of his untimely death. We have Tartarus for such villainy, but leave it to a demon horse of crystal and smoke to, well, turn into smoke and vanish on us before we threw him in a vacuum cleaner.

When he came back, I had hoped that his evil could be bound and restrained so that he might face due process in due time. Now that the entire town killed him, however, that due process shifted to the town itself. Exacting a wrong for being wronged does not make it right, Cadance.

You might wonder who is pressing this charge, and no, it's not me or anyone in Canterlot. It's his horn; Sombra's horn.

That long face you're making as you just read that is the exact same face I made, but it's not a new thing. Considering I've had to preside over cases like Penny Pincher vs. Coinpurse, Chicken vs. Egg, and my favorite, Rock vs. Paper vs. Scissors, this is exactly as crazy as it sounds.

And let's be honest, the horn has a pretty good case nailing the town for murdering its owner. But like I said, I can negotiate it down to involuntary slaughter unless you think you can make a good case as to how the town is not responsible for doing the deed. Respond to me if you can't think of a better option, and I'll see to it that the sentence is as light as it can get.

Meanwhile, we've since interviewed Cuppa, and concluded that he was not, and never was, a part of the invasion. This is of immense relief to us and our shameless desire for his tasty brews, and we agreed to give him legal citizenship on the condition that he merely continues his great work in serving coffee to my fair nobles, tea blends for me, and doubleshot espressos for Luna.

Thankful feels like a small word to express his gratitude in that moment, but it's the only word I can think of that works best.

Anyway, good luck with the case, Cadance. Remember to contact me if you run into trouble, and for the love of the gods, stop rummaging through Shining's belongings. She is gone, okay? Calm down.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, is that you? Hang on.

Yes, did you want some--thhhaaats a megaphone.

Look, I'm sorry it happened, okay? I really thought it wasn't you, but this is going a bit too far and--don't touch that switch, Luna. Do you hear me?

Okay, fine. I do deserve this, but at least don't use the Roya--

How Many Pinkies Does It Take to Screw with a Princess?

Pinkamena Doppelganger Pie,

What were you even thinking?!

There are so many clones of you in this castle, it's not even funny. They won't leave, and they're all staring at me, screaming fun in my face and--will all of you SHUT UP already?!

I've been casting the return postage spell on these things nonstop for the past ten hours, and it's exactly as inefficient as it sounds. I only stopped to write this letter to address the root of the problem--put Brutus down this instant! He is NOT a toy! Ahem, at this point I only hope the 'real' Pinkie I'm writing to right now isn't here in the room with me, because that would lead to a most unfortunate accident.

Why do you even know about the mirror pool? Wait, no, that's obvious. Better question: why did you think using it was even a good idea? Because you couldn't make a choice for yourself, you made copies of you to do the stuff you wanted to do with everypony so they didn't feel left out?

That's a very noble intent, yes, but the execution leaves something strongly desir--STOP EATING MY HAIR! For the LAST time, it does not taste like toothpaste! I don't care if yours tastes like cotton candy, eat yours and not mine!

Gods help the Pinkies that are with Luna right now. I haven't heard her since the pink clone invasion started, and usually that is a very bad sign given her loudmouth tendencies. I can only hope she is safe and out of harm's way, because your clones are relentless.

Wait, I am hearing something. It's a... marching band?

Oh dear gods, they found the music room! And unlike your wonderful one-mare band, they're all playing the instruments terribly! I haven't heard music this terrible in... well, two days since the nobles sung a song about how saving funds is fun, in reaction to some ponies recently evicted from their apartments.

Cuppa offered the evicted ponies free coffee. Shows how much of a heart he's got to make up for the heartless.

Anyway, I now have a musical massacre to try and fix before things get out of hoof. If you're home, stay home. Things are going to get ugly in my castle halls tonight, and you don't want to be caught in the crossfire.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Alright, you cheap knockoffs of the Horror of Ponyville, you want some fun?!

Good, because we're about to play a game. And I play for keeps.

The Good Seed, the Bad Apple, and the Ugly Fertilizer

Dear Little Crusaders,

I somehow find it hard to believe that three children could cause enough damage to wreck two floats for the Summer Harvest Festival short of giving a foal a box of matches. And yet here on my desk sits Mayor's daily damage report, with a footnote pointing out the three of you as responsible for the damages.

While I hardly expect children to repay the debts incurred in full on this, I feel compelled to ask just what harebrained scheme you concocted that caused such carnage.

Or... maybe I don't have to. By the sound of things, you encountered a bit of a bully situation, didn't you? And instead of telling an adult so that this situation wouldn't spiral out of control, this eye-for-an-eye stunt was how you decided to handle things?

Look, I get it. Bullies will always find ways to put you down or make you feel worthless in the eyes of your closest companions. Sometimes you won't be able to run or hide from them, and fighting or tricking them will only lead to an escalated battle that, in your case, might involve property damage caught in an explosion that your little hooves caused. That is not the right way to go about this; telling someone else, asking for advice, or even speaking with them is.

Talking may not be the perfect solution to dealing with them, but it is a start. The more you learn about them from whoever you talk to, the more you find out about better ways to deal with them. You might find a way to make friends with them should you discover they're only awful for some misguided anger issues, or discover a means to have them just leave you alone. However you choose to deal with them, do anything but put them in mortal danger, at the very least.

And, Crusaders, I'm going to let you in on a small secret: there will be more 'bullies' in your life than this one. Many, many more, depending on what you do with your lives. They might be bosses, managers, agents, what have you; all of them will push you around. If you think your friends and family members are hard on you, trust me, they are nothing compared to what sits outside your home and comfort zone.

Except the pushing they do is not the same. They do not do it for detriment or demoralization; they do it to toughen you, to see your potential shine past their criticism. That is how you push back; show them your capability, make them see what you're worth. Prove to them you are someone they should respect, because if you do nothing or crumble under it, you will not get any.

I should hope to expect great things in your future, little Crusaders. Do not go down the path of mutual self-destruction, and seek the path of friendship and tolerance. The taller you stand in the face of such adversity, the more you will weather in this world.

Respectfully,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Lu--oof!

Luna, you didn't have to tackle me to tell me you got a new board game. I could get that news just fine standing upright.

Wait, you got Alicorn Twister?! We haven't played that in so long! How did you even find it?

Wow, that secret cubby in the old castle still works? Hm, that makes me wonder about all the other secret passages there and if they're still intact.

I agree, we should get that sorted out later. But for now, I am SO ready to finally beat you at this game, Luna.

You ready? First move... is left wing green.

Not Another Magic Duel

Mayor Mare,

I formally extend my apologies to you for the incident that occurred in Ponyville today. Being crammed in a birdcage and held hostage by a corrupt magician probably ranks high up there in your top ten worst experiences of your life, and that includes being fed crackers drier and saltier than the Saddle Arabia Sands.

Thanks for sending some of those crackers in this letter, by the way. Really gave me an idea of the nightmare you were put through. Out of curiosity, I put a cracker in Philomena's water dish, and it drained the entire dish while still acting as if it never got moist at all--this thing puts chamois leather to shame.

But I accept some blame for not carefully monitoring the amulet over at the Canterlot Artifact Museum. I've been trying to get that thing in my vault for safekeeping, but the curators insisted it was safer in their hooves, and in fairness, their pitch was pretty convincing. "Oh, we have the best security in Equestria! Magic locks! Locks locking locks! A lockbox locking said locked locks! All just to lock doors that don't even go anywhere that fool our own staff! Trust us, Princess Celestia. It's completely safe."

And then it was stolen. We don't know when it happened, but it was a professional, top-notch job; nopony noticed it was replaced with a fake until I stopped by a week ago to verify its safety. After their thorough introduction to Brutus--we searched for days looking for it in Canterlot, only to find nothing. We thought it lost for good, or in the hooves of somepony bent on destroying the world. Turns out the latter was close, wasn't it?

Zecora's holding onto the amulet for safekeeping this time. I trust there will be no objections to this, since not only is she not a unicorn or alicorn, her intimate knowledge of the Everfree lets her stash it in a place nopony dares enter 80% of the time. I don't know where she hid it, and that's for the best; a secret location isn't that secret if we know about it.

The merchant who sold the amulet fled town, it seems; it's a shame he did that. Luna's been training Shadebeak to, ahem, 'escort' subpoenaed ponies to night court should they fail to respond to her summons, and that merchant will understand exactly what it means to see stars.

Speaking of which, I see Shadebeak returning with the first to visit Luna's court: Trixie Lulamoon, charged with possession of stolen property, use of a forbidden arcane artifact, subjugation of a town, and cruel and unusual punishment of its citizens, amongst various other crimes. That will be a hoot to watch.

Thank you, as always, for your findings and crime reports, Mayor Mare. I'll let you know what the punishment is the following morning.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I enclosed a bottle of that brandy you like so much. Something tells me you'll want to crack into that after everything that happened today.

Sleepless Nights and Daydream Delights

Dearest Scootaloo,

I am happy to see you have found a way to face your fears. Using your idol is both a creative and inspiring solution to squashing an imaginary fear from such a spooky tale.

But not all fears you encounter shall be easily conquered with creative thinking. One does not simply conquer a fear of heights by never entering tall towers, just as a bird that fears flight never leaves the nest, or let someone else do the task instead so you don't have to. That does not truly solve your personal problem, even if it makes it go away--it will crop up again like a nasty weed, always.

As such, your solution to the fear you faced in your dream was actually indirect; with Rainbow's help, your fear was solved by someone else. You must understand that not every problem you face can be fixed by somepony else.

That is not to say your friends' help is of no benefit, however. Friends, be they by your side or far away, can still lend you strength in unforeseeable ways. I'm certain they would think no less of you if you admitted your fears to them; rather, I believe they would try to help you however they can. They wouldn't be good friends otherwise.

However, there will be fears that you must face alone, and in such times where they occur, and while strength lent from friends helps, it is not enough to do everything for you. You must find strength within you to truly conquer them.

If you don't, it will take hold, mold you into something you are not, and you will then find yourself less than what you were. Without friends, without a home... without family. Scootaloo, I implore thee: learn from the mistake of a foolish mare made long ago, for if you do not conquer your fears, they will conquer you.

Sleep well, Scootaloo, and may your dreams be as glorious as the bright blue skies you dream of flying one day.

Wishing you well,

Princess Luna

P.S. Teatime with you in your dreams afterward was a delight, and I'd love to do it again sometime.

Oh, evening Celestia. What brings you to my room?

Bill is stolen? You mean this quill right here? He's been with me for the past hour or so, why?

No, Tia, I just borrowed him for a moment so I could write this letter to a child having nightmares. Did I do something wrong?

Fine, I'll ask next time when you're not busy in the bathroom. I heard you giggling in the there when I took the quill. I know what's going down.

Why, your super sudsy bubble bath, of course! What else could it be--

Author's Notes:

Thanks for reading as always, good folk. In addition to this letter, Tia answered a bit of fanmail!

Wonderbolt Powers, Activate!

Captain Spitfire,

I was spending a relaxing bit of time in my room reading a novel on my favorite chair. I rarely get such free time, but when I get it, I spend it like this, content on willing away the ills and woes of the day with no expected interruptions short of my sister discovering another food development she missed in the last millenium. This time she discovered Hayburgers. Gods help her for that place; their food tastes like shame slathered in secret sauce. Delicious, awful shame.

Anyway, one of your students paid me a visit today by crashing into my tower. Again. Just straight-up plowed through the doors and nailed me in the chair. A pretty commendable shot, to be sure, except for the fact that I'm not the target they should be aiming at.

This is the fifth time this month, Spitfire, and I'm really starting to wonder if the catapults and tornado launchers the trainees use are aimed at my tower once a week on purpose just to piss me off. I know the last time I visited the Wonderbolt Academy, those things were facing mountains without a giant city attached on the side, so the idea that they'd get turned towards my home without forewarning of pony bombardment seems lax on your part.

I get that you need to make sure the ponies under your wing are Wonderbolt material, and that it calls for them to adapt to extreme situations that your squadron has encountered before in the line of duty. I even know that it actually happened once when Soarin decided to be a bit foalish over the town and ended up breaking Discord's stained-glass window. But if you're going to have this be a thing, do me a solid and let me know when it happens so I can have the guards set up a rebound net. That way they'll stop hitting my walls and instead hit something more of a cushion than me.

Further, I request that you send me your roster for reserve Wonderbolts this week. I need to update the records here, and I know Rainbow Dash has exhibited great interest in being one. Send it to me as soon as possible so I can keep the list here updated.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If I have to come down there and get those roster records, I'll show you exactly what it feels like to be me when a student becomes a castle crasher.

What Kind of Family Reunion Only Serves Apples?

Dear Applesnack,

Your lesson learned is one of the most thought-out things I've read that I don't need context to appreciate, much to my shock and utter awe.

Family is a big thing. It's so huge, its importance trumps the size of my castle, for without family, we will always find a hole in our life that's just missing, empty and devoid of the love and happiness relatives have for each other, even if actual relations are tolerable at best. I'm happy you discovered the importance of that, especially since your family's sown so much seed across the land I wonder why it hasn't been renamed Applantis by now.

Also, some congratulations are in order. Your barn is officially the record holder for the building rebuilt the most in the entirety of Equestria.

Two hundred times it's fallen, and thanks to your family reunion, it beat the previous record held by Mayor Shaker's manor in Quakestown. Although in fairness to him, he's been rebuilding that thing in the hopes of it not falling apart in the yearly earthquakes that strike the town. Two hundred manors later, he finally got it right, while everypony else decided to be more reasonably sane and NOT build their home close to the fault line.

On the plus side, his design now makes homes in precarious locations much more feasible. That's the capability of a stubborn fool for you--sometimes they pull through with a stroke of genius through naught but sheer persistence, and it benefits those crazy enough to plant their home on the side of a mountai--

I'll need to ask for those designs later, and I think I'll pass them along to you if you feel you're just done with raising barns one day. Until then, I get the sneaking suspicion this record will just reach astronomical highs for you and your family, and will no doubt be passed on through your many, many generations of fruit-named youth.

Don't forget to tell Granny about this, either. She's seen that thing fall so often I get a kick out of my day when she sends me a letter telling me just exactly how the barn fell again, so I know she'll think on it.

Keep in touch,

Princess Celestia

What? Luna, I was joking about renaming the land Applantis.

Well, yes, technically it CAN be renamed that, but that needs to go through the proper channels first. I can't just go off and call the land Solaris like you can't with Mooningham. This needs petitions and campaigns to get enough ponies onboard with it. That won't happen overnight.

Plus, it gets rid of a name half-heartedly agreed to by the leaders of three races after a cold spell in the name of equality! Surely that means something to the ponies here, right?

Right?

Spike's Eternal Service Really is Eternal

My faithful student,

I know you've been bugging me for the past week or so about the lack of dedicated academic assignments you've received since your move to Ponyville. That said, assuming the mailmare didn't get lost or dropped off my package at one of your neighbor's homes by accident again, you should have received a dozen books by now. What I want you do with them is simple:

Read them. They're important texts that the Canterlot Library has just received new copies of, and I'm fairly certain you would benefit from the updated information. I know you can probably read them all over the weekend, but I'm not asking for that. Take your time with them, especially for one textbook in particular.

The new set of field researchers at the Dragon Grounds submitted their complete findings on the Dragon Code of Conduct, which I've sent a copy of in this delivery. Given your present situation with Spike, I think you'll find that knowledge quite vital in terms of making sure he doesn't do anything drastic.

The previous version covered just a few bits about their diet, indentured servitude, and a few other essentials about their manners around their kin. Pretty bare bones, but that's all I could get from the last set before they got boned. This time, the new information details that while all dragons adhere to a general code, personal addendums may be added by the dragons as long as it does not conflict with the general code.

Given Spike is still young, he's no doubt added some bits and pieces to the general code that may be a bit much for him to handle without fully realizing the implications. Things like life debts, for example, carry consequences far beyond mere service for debt repayment, and as such aren't entered lightly for such reasons. Things like being their consort, tending to every need and desire they request, and even holding silent vigil and guardianship of their grave until their death if the debt has not been formally declared repaid.

If this letter didn't get your attention before, it should now. Keep an eye on Spike as he develops, read the textbook, and make sure he doesn't make any rash decisions he will regret. Don't ask me how or why, but today, I just have a bad feeling about him.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Did you need someth--

NO! Get that little firestarter out of here!

I don't care if I fireproofed my room five times over, get that baby dragon out of he--wait.

Luna, please tell me that dragon in front of you doesn't owe a life debt.

Oh great, he does. Good, then do me a favor and dissolve it before he burns half my castle down and--GODS, that fireball was close!

"Doesn't have control over his fire?" Oh really?!

Keeping Calm is Difficult Around Discord

Dearest Fluttershy,

You've greatly impressed me today. You did something I thought highly improbable, for while I know you could tame dragons, a chaotic draconequus is another story entirely.

If I'm honest, while I placed great faith in you in getting Discord to play nice, I expected things to end with him sitting in stone again. As usual, he let his chaotic magic roam free with reckless abandon, and I got an earful from Mayor for it.

Mayor flipped out with a report mentioning a great flood, general calamity, and Discord just being an arsehole to her piles of paperwork by eating them. "This mismatched goat ate all of the financial paperwork! Tell him to give it back! You brought him here, and look at what he's done to my office! He kindly redecorated the place so it doesn't look like a stuffy old codger's lodge! I'm extremely ungrateful for this generous renovation of my office setting!"

So, Discord, I know you're hovering over Fluttershy's shoulder reading this. You probably have those tacky glasses you wore the last time I tried presenting a formal peace treaty so you'd stop screwing with us long ago, only for you to eat it and comment on its exquisite taste. Classy action, that one. But to the point, do give Mayor's paperwork back. I'd ask for that treaty of mine, but gods know how long that's stewed in your stomach and--

Discord? What do you want? Oh, let me guess, you want another game of Pony Checkers, is that it? As much fun as that would be for using the nobles here for the pieces, I have to decline.

A delivery? Well, if you're reformed, I'm to expect no surprises, right? You know, like that box of chocolates you gave me that weren't chocolates?

How do you know I ate half--nevermind. Just tell me that whatever's in this thing isn't disgusting in any way, shape, or form.

You gave one to Luna too? Well... if she can handle it, I guess I can. Still don't fully trust you yet though. That takes time.

Aaand he poofed. Okay, Fluttershy, while you may have converted him, he's still a bit loose on his leash. I'm not going to say you're his handler, but you are his friend, so make sure he keeps his antics at a level reasonable enough for Mayor and I to not lose our marbles. He will steal them; he has before, and will do it if he has the opportunity.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Okay, let's see what's in this thing. I swear, if it's another wrapped Diamond Dog turd...

It's... my bag of marbles...

This doesn't fix all the wrongs you did, you know! But... well...

It's a start.

Petsitting: It's Not Just for Ponies

Dearest Spike,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm not surprised to hear that you relapsed into a bit of greedy behavior after your previous incident, but the fact that everything worked out in the end is of great benefit to you at this time.

You face an uphill battle dealing with this greedy behavior, Spike, and that appetite of yours is something you MUST keep in check, because if you don't, you'll find yourself going back for more and more until mere satisfaction is no longer attainable.

That's not to say you should swear off gems altogether. Gems are a staple food source for dragons, but like all things, it is to be taken in moderation. Too much of a good thing can be as detrimental as little or none at all.

You've been good about your diet thus far, but be wary of little cheat days like today. You don't see me eating a whole ten-layer cake every day, do you? Of course not--I do it every three days.

And a word of advice: if you find yourself getting a bit pudgy, find something to do in ten minutes of free time to get a bit of exercise in, then keep at it daily. I know you're usually busy most of the day hanging with your special pony or reorganizing Twilight's books for the umpteenth time, but everypony has ten minutes to spare at some point in their day. I know I do--those moments I use to keep fit by fencing with Jenkins. That old coot's really good with his mop, and he takes no quarter. I respect him for that, and respond in kind with Brutus. He's currently up by five victories, but today, I'll make that four for sure.

Anyway, find a moment to squeeze in some active activity, do it daily, and the rewards will come in time. Keep in touch, my little dragon, and if you find yourself lost, you know who to write to. Don't forget, however, that Twilight is there too, and she'll do what she can to help when she's actually paying attention.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Please tell me you got rid of that drag--

Two. There's two of them behind you. What did you do?

Okay, I'm not even sure if saving a dragon's life in a dream counts for the life debt, but this is the exact opposite of dissolving a life debt. It's dou--

Luna, wipe that smirk off your face! I know what you're going to say, and don't say it! DO. NOT.

Blame Games Ponies Play

My darling Cadance,

I'm so happy to hear that the Crystal Empire plays host to the Equestria Games this year. Harshwhinny already sent in her submission for the games location for approval, and it's one I signed without hesitation.

Although, Mrs. Harshwhinny did have a few choice words for Twilight and her friends for being so neglectful of the actual pony in charge of approval whilst pampering a complete stranger. "How those six accomplish anything with how inattentive they are to detail is beyond my comprehension."

And yes, she said that despite their inattention scoring the Crystal Empire the nomination by giving a tourist a royal welcome for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. She chalked that up to a happenstance of speaking with the pampered mare at the right time, otherwise the nomination would have been a write-up for the worst tourist hotspot since Cloudsdale for failing to accommodate Earth Ponies without the aid of Unicorn assistance or provision of Cloud Walker potions.

I clarified, however, that it's not her job to understand their actions or lack of noticing detail. It's mine, because I get the letters that make me want to visit a wall multiple times, head first. I know you've done it too when foalsitting Twilight years ago--you didn't get those red spots on your head from a rogue ketchup bottle. Points for creativity though.

I should say I'm a bad foster parent for leaving that example for you, but really, you're going to be doing that more often once you get all the princess duties set up over there. Let me know how your first day court goes; I have a few tips on how to make it through your future ones without thinking about punting those ponies clear to Canterlot.

Also, if you haven't acquired a stress-releasing weapon yet, you might want to look into one soon. I have Brutus, and Luna has her megaphone, and Platinum had her scepter. It doesn't have to be just one weapon, either. It could be a bag of marbles, for instance.

Remember: it's not the size, shape, or number, but how you use it that makes it work for you.

Anyway, congratulations once again on winning the hosting honors, and I'll see you soon when the games kick off in grand splendor.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Do me a small favor and plant a whoopee cushion on Luna's chair the day of the games. She got me with a bucket of ice water--on my throne, no less--and I think this will even the score.

This Magical Cure Isn't a Mystery to Me

Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Oh, how long I've waited to start using those words. It's been so long since I've had a student that's made it far enough to be worthy of that title, and here you are.

You faced quite the odds to get here, Twilight. The spell Starswirl wrote but never finished was a test I hoped you would complete in a very timely manner, given the nature of the spell. Mayor Mare just about lost it once the cloud weather looked like a chessboard, not to mention the flash heatstroke and blizzard weather patterns. Add in your friends doing the thing they thought their cutie mark was telling them to do, and this whole situation felt like it was ripped straight out of Discord's playbook.

I knew this would happen, by the way. Of course I wouldn't just send you a spell of Starswirl's as chaotic as this without a backup plan in mind. Had you failed, I would have sorted it out myself. I solved his spell beforehoof thanks to your many, many friendship reports giving me a greater understanding of friendship than Starswirl ever had. I wish he was still around--he would have benefitted from them so much.

But you succeeded, rising far above my admittedly low expectations, and now you're a princess. One without a castle to call your own, but a princess all the same. Now, since you're freshly coronated, you shan't be exposed to the wonderful world of princess politics quite yet, especially not until you have a castle ready to contain such lunacy. Although I assume you're well and content with living in that treehouse, that spot's not nearly large enough to hold an audience for your court sessions, so I'll speak with Mayor shortly after you read this. We can figure out a temporary arrangement in the meantime until you have a castle you're comfortable with.

Enjoy yourself, Twilight, and thank you for proving to me that despite all your faults, and I mean a lot of faults, you're still diligent and dutiful, and quite worthy enough to wear a crown that's not just for show.

With love and great respect,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hey Luna.

Pay up? Oh, right. You won the bet.

Hang on, let me find my coinpurse. Can't believe it took her less than two days, and she didn't even send me a letter asking for help!

Well, yes, I'm happy that she did it relatively quickly and without assistance. Why wouldn't I be? Here, take the bits.

No, I'm not mad about this bet, because even though I lost, I still won. After all, she's a princess now. That's what's important.

Equestria is for Everyone, Boys and Girls

Sunset Shimmer,

I write this to you in the hopes that it has been delivered through the portal safely to your location, wherever that may be. If this ends up in someone else's hoov--ahem, hands, whoever you might be, do me a favor and find a high school girl with the hair and complexion that reminds you of grilled cheese and tomato soup. Her name is right there up top. Find her, give this to her, and don't read a word of the rest of this. I mean it.

Now then, Sunset. Your actions were quite unforgivable. Stealing an Element of Harmony, one of the few things that help maintain balance in this world, is the equivalent of stealing Pinkie's pet Gummy. I'm not joking. That sort of happened once, and she table-flipped the town looking for him thinking he was taken. Turns out he wasn’t stolen--just buried in her hair again.

Anyway, I’m glad to know that my student succeeded where I had failed, for while I'd taught you much about magic and the importance of humility and respectful behavior in the face of multiple nobles, I did not teach you the value of friendship. Instead I taught you of the proper ways to be a princess, and what was the result of that? A costly mistake, and one I still regret to this day. This resolution my student and you have found is a small consolation prize, but truly, I wish we could pick up where we left off someday under better, more controlled circumstances. It is doubtful, but possible. We shall see where the road takes us.

Also, I owe you an apology. Your previous belongings here in Equestria kind of got buried underneath piles and piles of miscellaneous paperwork related to my day court proceedings. I intended on keeping those things safe and sound in the case of your eventual return into what would have been a welcoming embrace, but life has a funny way of suddenly occupying my time with sheer and utter nonsense. You know that.

I dug them out, but they smelled a bit musty, and looked quite dusty. But worst of all, some of those things were fragile, and crushed under the weight of the paper. Your diorama detailing the functions of the Ponyville dam and why its destruction would spell doom for the town, something I planned on showing Mayor three years ago but never got around to, is now completely destroyed. Now I have a scare-tactic post-disaster diorama to show her which... actually might be a better idea for ensuring the dam operates at peak condition.

Okay, bad example. There’s… uh… OH! The snow globe I bought when we visited the Frostpeaks has a big crack at the top of the mountain inside the globe. This might be salvageable if you don't put it somewhere where it'll fall a good distance. This peak would put an eye out, and it very well could. Be careful with this if you want it back.

Your art and sketches are fine, much to my relief, as is Mr. Snuggle Wuggle. He's been missing your 'huggles', which kind of looked like chokeholds to me, but you loooved this doll, and I guess he was fine with it. I'd be more than happy to give him back as soon as you want him--he's been giving me the stink eye for a long time, and it's quite unnerving.

When or if you return, be it through some sort of correspondence or your physical self, know that you are welcome, and what's left of your stuff is waiting here for you. I still hope we can remain friends.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

And to whoever read this to the end that wasn’t Sunset, I don’t know who you are, but I promise you this: you will have a nightmare tonight the likes of which you’ve never seen. I personally can’t make that happen…

But I know somepony who can.

Princess Luna's Big Day! Oh, and Twilight Too, Part 1

Mayor Mare,

If it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to make a few changes regarding the Summer Sun Celebration this year.

For many years, the Celebration has symbolized the defeat of Nightmare Moon, a fight that lasted so short nopony actually knew it happened until they noticed the moon didn't move the following morning. Oh, and the new face it sported. They really just didn't notice her in the castle, the summons, her birthday--except for me, of course--and that just ticked her off immensely. Still, her throwing a tantrum, banishing the world into eternal darkness, and stomping out my rule in the process was NOT ideal in any way for anypony.

Admittedly, neither was the thousand-year timeout I'd imposed with the help of the Elements. I meant for just a day to cool off, not a thousand years' worth of days, but the Elements love to overdo things. I wanted Discord bound so he can't cause chaos, and they turned him to stone like a jilted Cockatrice. Twilight and friends want to purify my sister? The Elements scrubbed Luna so clean they bleached her coat slightly. If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing, I suppose.

Anyway, now that my sister has returned and is no longer a nightmare thrall, the Celebration needs to reflect that in as many ways as possible. I do not want this holiday to be one where ponies bask and embellish my radiance or cheer for the defeat of a dark demon, but one that acknowledges my sister as much as possible. Now that she's taking a much more prominent and imposing role in her duties and dream wardenship, I want my little ponies to respect her as much as they do for me.

To that end, change up the banners, alter the festivities, and do what must be done so that she and I will remember it as a day of reconciliation and reunion, and not of doom and destruction. We'll come by shortly after the ceremony ends here, so be ready. I'll bring a bottle of Headless Mare Zinfandel, but feel free to prepare whatever drink you wish. No need to get fancy, Mayor--we're all friends here.

Also, do try to keep this change of plans secret. I made sure to write this while Luna isn't here, so it'll be a fantastic surprise for her when it's time for the festivities to begin.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

What the--that vine wasn't there before. How did it get all the way up to the balcony?

Hedge! Hedge Trimmer, are you slacking off on your gardening duties again?! I swear, that Pegasus is lazier than an Ursa Major that can't be arsed to find its baby.

Great, no response. Of course--he's probably up in the clouds sawing logs riiight... aha, there he is! But he's too far to bean with a marble from here...

Or not. Brutus, I have a new job for you.

Princess Luna's Big Day! Oh, and Twilight Too, Part 2

Discord,

Teaching Twilight a lesson in being a princess is absolutely commendable. It shows that you're trying to be productive instead of destructive, and that I appreciate. Honestly, the fact that Mayor has sent me only the usual damage reports this whole time, as opposed to one or two incidents involving a cow with udders for hooves or some other nonsense, left me stunned at how well you kept that chaos magic in check.

And then today happened. Look, I understood your plan when you told me just before I was sealed in that vine cocoon. There needed to be a way to have us vanish just as some horrid threat came about, just to see how Twilight would react as the acting princess of Canterlot, especially since Cadance was off tending to her own troubles at the Crystal Empire.

I just have one question. Why didn't you warn us this was going to happen? You could--and should--have done that, even if you didn't know when your seeds would germinate and grow. You could have told us you planted them a thousand years ago; that way, we would actually have knowledge and be less surprised at the whole capture scenario. You KNOW how I hate surprises.

But while I can tolerate your surprises, Luna can't. She was flailing and screaming the whole way to the Everfree--the fact nopony heard her was miraculous, were it not also for the fact that she was already cocooned. I guess even your vines are intolerable of loud noise.

If you have any left over, I have an idea of how to use them. I've been meaning to soundproof my tower and courtroom for a while now, and those vines seem to do the trick nicely. Sometimes Luna shouts when she sleeps.

Anyway, the next time you pull a stunt like this, do me a favor and give advance notice. That way I know what you're up to, and how to respond accordingly.

You may also tell Luna at your discretion, but I wouldn't try anything soon. Last I checked she was plotting something in revenge for locking her in a claustrophobic nightmare. You've been warned.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Castle Mane-ia: Organ Donors Wanted!

My dearest Twilight,

While it would be perfectly lovely to have you in Canterlot once more, I have another option in mind much closer to Ponyville.

See, after hearing your very laborious and long-winded request to look at every single text in every single library in Canterlot and the forbidden tomes, even the one known to eat faces upon opening it, I realized you were quite serious about looking into this lockbox. Probably far too much for your own good, but I know that once something catches your interest to the point of making this kind of request, it's difficult to get you back to ground level without waving Smarty in your face, or in extreme cases, using a laser pointer.

Anyway, I checked my library, your old one, and Starswirl's archives. I even had Luna sort through hers and asked the Royal Canterlot Librarian to sift through the records on anything that might have been submitted on the Tree of Harmony and its origins.

Fruitless endeavors, I'm sad to say. We found absolutely nothing beyond a small recognition of the tree in a history book about it being the original host of the Elements of Harmony, but that's all. My field researchers may have the balls to get up close and personal with dragons, but they mysteriously vanish the moment they hear the word "Everfree."

That's where my other option comes in. As you know, the ancient castle that I once shared with Princess Luna lies mostly in ruins, deep in the Everfree Forest. But if you look carefully, you may find a book that could prove helpful to your research, hidden somewhere in what's left of the castle library.

Key word: "may." There is no guarantee, but the texts that remain there are far older than what's on record here, so it's your best shot for looking into that lockbox.

Heed my warning: Luna and I never got around to disabling some of the trapdoors and secret passageways built into the foundation and first floor, so you might encounter a few hazards as you explore the castle. Don't ask me why we put in so many--it's a long story involving a short-term plan to dispose of dissident nobles that backfired heavily once we discovered we couldn't just treat them like trash, even if they treated others that way.

Barring that, if you're still determined to look into this box, then by all means, raid the remnants of the castle. Just make it out in one piece and respond once you're out of there.

Best of luck,

Princess Celestia

Luna, could you come in here for a moment? I have a question.

Now, it's normally not my business to ask about your spending habits, but may I ask exactly why you bought ten thousand Lunacanes?

Don't tell me you didn't! Your signature is right here on the order form! You even bought a giant stuffed Ursa Minor sitting in the giant crate I put in the throne room! It even made realistic growl noises!

Look, I don't care if you ordered these or not, I signed for the delivery, and these things have your face and name all over them. This is YOUR problem to deal with, not mine.

Don't You Dare Do What You're Daring to Do

Rainbow Dash,

In reading the latest in A.K. Yearling's Daring Do series, I noticed a rather new face on the cover that bore a peculiar resemblance to you.

Color Band, aide to Daring Do, seems equal parts devoted to her tutor and klutzy beyond belief, stumbling her way into secrets Daring wouldn't notice otherwise. Her wall-eyes don't give her perfect vision, and her wit isn't quite at par with Daring's, although the moment where she called Ahuizotl a "mean blue kitty" threw me into an extended fit of giggles.

Beyond her faults, she's enlightened me to a curious notion that sometimes it takes a simpleton to solve simple problems. "What would Daring do?" she asked while facing an old stone wall separating her from where Daring was held captive. "AHA! Use your head!"

Then she rammed the wall with her head. Priceless.

Daring also learned a rather wonderful lesson in this tale that accepting help can be okay. She was stubborn as a mule in this tale for the longest time in not taking it, even though Color was practically hoofing it to her on a silver platter for the whole adventure.

Still, I'm quite happy she came around in the end when she realized those rings weighed much more than she predicted. Solid gold is heavy when it's that large--it's why I chose my regalia to be minimal and sleek. The original design had me lugging around forty extra pounds of gold; I couldn't put on that much weight if I ate five ten-layer cakes in one sitting, and I'm expected to wear enough gold to buckle the bulkiest of my guards all day? No thank you.

But the bigger issue behind refusing that help was her lack of trusting anypony but herself. I get that, since gods know I don't trust the nobles here with anything, with a few being notable exceptions.

But if I didn't trust anypony, nothing would get done. In a land where some of the greatest threats are sitting in a deeply buried powderkeg, I have to trust the guards to keep them in there and make sure nothing explodes into calamity. I know Daring has done so much on her own to save the land time and again, but that steam WILL run out before she knows it, and only then will she really be thankful Color was there to help.

I'm not quite sure why I'm telling you this, actually, but the point is that Color Band really taught her something important. I just hope Daring understands that before she gets into some danger she can't get out of.

Anyway, there's my take on her latest adventure. Let me know what you thought of it, and we'll discuss the next book when it comes out.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, what are you doing with that catapult?

No. Luna, that's a bad idea. What will Ponyville think when an Ursa falls from the sky?

Okay, yes, "normal" is probably accurate for the town, but this isn't the way to get back at Discord for his prank. You need to be clever and unexpected, not just returning to sender.

Oh, you'll figure something out, sister. I'd love to see the expression on his ugly mug when you do find a way to get back at him for this.

Nothing Takes Flight In Here

Mayor Mare,

Given that Ponyville is still standing, I have a small question.

Normally, I get this little damage report from you on very good days, where the biggest expenses I need to concern myself with can be anywhere from a broken window to a new pen. And you've been very diligent in writing such admittedly petty reports, though I didn't mind it much at all.

That said, this week must be a miraculous one. I received absolutely no damage reports from you at all. No daily reports, and more importantly, no weekly report. And I say this knowing Harshwhinny came by the school this week to talk to the children about the big contest for the opening of the Equestria Games.

Particularly, I seem to recall three rambunctious fillies that managed to wreck the float parade some time ago. Now, I'm not saying that I expected them to, say, shift a house off its foundation...

But I did expect something to go wrong. Maybe a busted wagon or scooter, a treehouse needing repairs, a ruined bowtie! I'd even settle for one of your petty reports where you're missing your hairbrush again for the umpteenth time. Seriously, how do you keep losing those? Does your mane eat them?

I know I should be happy that nothing went wrong this week, and I am in a way. But in another, it just feels awkward not getting ANY reports for a week from a town so fraught with incidents major and minor that no news almost has me believing that's BAD news. Just because I hear nothing from the town doesn't mean that's a good thing.

So in the event that another day or week like this comes around where nothing happens, at least let me know through a weekly report that nothing went wrong. You don't have to do it for daily reports--I can accept the town having a few days where nothing happens easily. But a week of silence is something that WILL grab my attention unless you confirm it otherwise.

So, please, keep in touch weekly at minimum. I'll look forward to seeing you and Granny at the Inked Mare in a few days.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

What the--Luna, can you at least knock before entering? And why do you reek of chocolate?

You... ate one of the canes. Huh. Well, if chocolate bits exist, I guess canes can.

Why yes, I'd like one. Also, I assume you figured out how to get back at him for the Ursa?

Oho, that's good. He DOES love blueberry pie.

Author's Notes:

Thanks for reading, as always.

Also, Tia got around to answering more fanmail.

Powering Through Peeping Ponies

Dear Twilight,

I thank you for your vested interest in refurbishing the old castle so soon after your previous excavation there. I didn't think you'd readily accept my request, much less enlist your friends to help, so please extend my thanks to them as well.

You don't know how much this refurbishment will mean to us. It's the last step in helping us bury the hatchet we wielded so long ago, back in a time where our fights were more heated, and our friendship was strained to a breaking point over petty squabbles like who ate the last sugar cookie. Now that we've recovered that friendship, seeing the old castle look new again--or what remains of it, at least--will finally close a millenium-old wound.

But if I might make a suggestion, since you obviously know about all the trap doors and secret passageways, I'd like you to keep those the same. You may modernize the other parts of the castle at your leisure, but keep those hidden hallways the way they are.

I won't go into great detail why, but Luna and I have hidden some things in there that... aren't for your eyes to see, nor your friends. No, it's not another great evil or powerful artifact that shouldn't fall into the wrong hooves or anything exceptionally dangerous. At the same time, they shouldn't see the light of day for... reasons. In other words, some secrets are meant to stay that way, so don't go looking for them during the refurbishment.

In fact, just try to stay out of those hallways completely. I don't want you kicking around loose stones or tapping the walls for hollow sounds, or even stepping on weighted stones that may or may not suddenly open said hollow areas. Don't. Do. It. Just stick to cleaning and touch-up, and everything should be fine.

But if you do stumble across such a room somehow, well, stay out. That's it. Don't enter the room, or even so much as poke your head in. Touch absolutely nothing in those rooms, nor take anything from them if you somehow ignore that last statement. I mean it! Leave everything in there alone, especially the books! They're... not ordinary books, okay?!

Sincerely--seriously, stay out,

Princess Celestia

Yes, I warned her, Luna. Our secret comic book stashes ought to be safe.

Well, they shouldn't have rotted. I vacuum-sealed mine in plastic, and so did you, right?

Uh, no, that sort of protection ward fades after a century without maintenance. I'm sorry, Luna.

Well, I suppose if they haven't found them yet, I can share mine with you. Don't worry--I trust you'll read them without stuffing your face with moon cakes while reading them.

Yes, I'll also take a look and see if they're still sold on the market. Anyway, while we wait for them to finish, let's get started on those pies, okay?

Bats, Rats, and Empty Vats!

Granny Smith,

Your granddaughter Applewhack told me the orchard had managed to survive another vampire fruit bat invasion. How many years has it been since they last cropped up? Twenty? Fifty? I want to say fifty is close.

That was a horrid time. I remember it well, and how you had written to me about these shameless creatures that would drain your fruit dry and leave wrinkled, pitiful cores about the orchard. They left no tree untouched, and had you not sent a letter to me, I have a feeling the last quarter of your orchard wouldn't exist.

I wish I'd have known about the infestation sooner, but since Dragonfire mail hadn't been established in Ponyville yet, your letter had to be delivered by regular mail. We both know why that took so long.

But there's, uh, something you don't know about that infestation. As you're aware, I did show up to drive away the bats before they got to the last quarter of the orchard. I'd brought the Royal Handler with me to corral them into a ball so I could sling them away.

Unfortunately, I missed my aim a bit and the sling ball of bats hit him--he was a Pegasus in the line of fire, so to speak. And by some sheer miracle of magic, he...

Well, he turned into a bat-pony thing. He didn't tell me about the transformation--I just caught him rummaging through the kitchen eating my apple fritters. Needless to say, we caught him, but that had been quite a few weeks after the infestation had cleared out. And during that time, he found... interested mares.

I won't go into the juicy details, but Luna's taken a liking to these bat-pony hybrids he had sired into this world, and introduced them to her Guard once I told her there might be some new ponies that might better suit her duties than my day guards.

The Royal Handler is still under close watch, but we let him roam free on weekends, and he always comes back to a big bushel of apples. I've forbid him from tormenting Ponyville, so you don't need to worry about that. We got him under control.

Anyway, I admired your resourcefulness to ration out what remaining apples had survived the onslaught. Even when the battle had been lost, you made sure to keep a level head, and the town survived to this day. Even if a few ponies had moved away to Appaloosa--which I suspect you're at to check up on those "loose ends" you referred to--the rest of the town stuck with it, and life had greatly improved.

Thanks to Princess Twilight, this recent infestation was handled with far less destruction than before, if Mayor's damage report is accurate, so rest assured the orchard is in good hooves upon your return.

But I should warn you--Mayor left a footnote saying she heard some hissing outside her window as she uncorked one of your vintage bottles of apple cider last night, so maybe all the bats haven't been introduced to that sanctuary yet. I'd keep a close eye on your cellar--I know I am.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Luna, are the pies ready?

Perfect, I'll get started on writing that letter to Discord... unless you want to write to him.

Of course you can! I mean, I'm offering. It's not like last time where you jacked it without permission. And no, I'm not bitter.

Here you go, then. Knock yourself out. NOT literally.

Rarity Takes Everything In Manehatten, Even the Carpet and Drapes

Dear Rarity,

First off, congratulations on winning that little fashion show of yours. Your inspired work in using various hotel sheets and fixtures to create an ensemble as homely and cozy as one of those lavish rooms is exquisite, if this catalog is accurate. Really, it's quite creative.

But I also received something else from Mayor Plaster of Manehatten: a bill he forwarded from the hotel you stayed at, listing off thousands of bits in damages to the hotel room. Torn-up carpet, missing drapes and frilly bedsheets, even strips of wallpaper, towels, and scented toilet paper rolls had been taken from the room with reckless abandon. The room itself was beyond mere salvation that could be solved with a little TLC--it requires a complete overhaul just to look presentable again.

Your apologetic note and bag of compensating bits left at the door was a noble effort at saying you're sorry for trashing their room harder than a rock star, but unfortunately, it wasn't quite enough. Luckily for you, I've learned from enough experience and damage reports that when any of you do something or go somewhere, stuff usually gets broken or destroyed along the way.

So I've set aside a small fund separate from the treasury, specifically devoted to whatever mishaps or destructive forces come about as a result of your arrival. I've taken to calling it the "Harbinger of Harmony" fund. Surely you see why. Anyway, should another situation arise where someone in your group pulls an "oopsie" or "whoopsy-doodle" and something falls apart, this little fund will cover all those expenses for repairs.

Assuming, of course, that there's money to cover it. I'll add my own in small installments every week, but it won't cover everything if these damages add up. That is where you and the others come in. Feel free to add as much or as little as you like to it in whatever frequency you desire, but do note that if a bill comes in and the fund doesn't cover it, I'll cover what I can with what's left of the fund and forward the rest to you to pay off in what I hope will be a timely and appropriate manner.

I trust there are no objections. Financial responsibility is quite the burden, but surely it is one you and the others can readily manage. That, or you could just not break anything and use this fund for personal vacations. I'm not picky, but just be responsible.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to buy a set of your Hotel Chic line. I want to see some nobles' jaws drop, and it miiight give you a headstart on the fund. Your decision on what you do with the profits, though.

...okay, fine. Two sets. Luna wants one as well. You know, to look like twinsies.

Bonus Letter: Dear Discord...

Dear Discord,

I thank you for your most generous gift. Ten thousand chocolate Lunacanes is quite a heartwarming present to receive in such stressful times as these. Not for me, but for my sister. She's been nibbling on her desk in frustration the past few weeks, and thanks to your present, I was more than happy to give her something else to chew on besides mahogany.

Although, I suspected you had known I would share these. I mean, really, did you expect me to eat them all by myself? I may not plow through desserts like Celestia can, but that doesn’t mean I should start. Despite my fondness for sweets, I eat in moderation, but that rate will see these chocolate canes expire long before I eat them all.

So I gave them to some of Celestia's Royal Guards and my Thestral Guard. That was when I found out you'd mixed in some varieties with rather delightful treats, much like a box of assorted chocolates. Some contained caramel, others nougat. Just last night, I bit into one and discovered it had toothpaste filling. You crazy coot, you know that delivers a mixed message.

Thus, in response to your gift, you should have received a rather large shipment of pies today. Each one I've lovingly made either all by myself or with Celestia's help. You'll find they're stuffed quite heartily with berries of all kinds, with each pie containing a different berry. There should be two hundred pies in all--if some are missing, let me know, and I'll address the post office accordingly.

But in keeping with the spirit of your chocolate surprise canes, I won't tell you which pies have which berries in them, nor will you see even what kind of berries they are. With some crafty food coloring and magic, the fillings all have the same color and general appearance, but I've preserved the appropriate flavor and textures. The only way you'll know is to try them yourself or dispel the magic, but where's the fun in the latter?

Of course, you're free to share the pies at your leisure. I'm certain Fluttershy would appreciate a slice or two, given how I've seen you dream of teatime with her lately. I'm certain her friends would also appreciate the gesture as well, even if your relationship with them is more one of tolerance than friendship.

It probably doesn't help that you've been throwing darts at Twilight's face on a dartboard, either. I understand your slight animosity towards her--she's still quite skeptical of you and your intentions as well, if her dreams of shooting you to the moon are any indicator. It took me a few minutes to collect myself after seeing that, so you two should really try to talk things out and maybe try to foster friendship a bit better. If not, I will have you two sit down in a room a week from now to settle this.

With that warning out of the way, Discord, have fun with my Mystery Berry Pie Surprise.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

Tia, we talked about this. I didn't have enough Moon Berries for a second pie.

Ooh, I knew I shouldn't have given you a taste. You really want me to make another?

Fine, but I'll need a night to harvest them. Despair doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Apple Pie for the Pink Lady

Dear Granny Smith,

I can't believe you went on a road trip and river rafting without me! You-you said we would do that one day, and this is what happens?!

Sorry, sorry. I might have had a rough day. The nobles brought their A-game in stupid by suggesting a plan to counter unions by forming a union themselves. You know, because their rights as bosses are infringed upon by their pesky workers.

That motion was super denied. Like, really hard, especially when I pointed out that their job isn't to make their worker's lives' worse, but to encourage them to KEEP working. Pissing off the workers only ensures in less getting done, and they should know that. Should. Gods.

So I cracked open a bottle of Pink Moosecato and I... might've downed the whole thing. In on--*hic*--one swig. It's a good thing my quill spell's low maintenance and easy to keep going, because my real writing is awful. It's so bad researchers at Canterlot Academy thought it needed a cipher when I sent them a letter asking them for student records. Pricks.

Then I read your letter detailing your crazy adventures with Pinkie, and how she's a pear it-a parrot... she's a new family member. I'm sure Applejack is happy she's got a relative so close by that's also a devoted baker--turnovers will probably saturate the town in a month.

Your road trip with Pinkie had to be nothing short of chaotic though. I mean, wow, your cart breaking down, the Cave of fun seek-sunbeam anull--UNSPEAKABLE Horrors, and a waterfall rapid ride? She probably got plenty of kicks from that--your thoughtfulness in keeping her entertained along the way with eldritch horrors and nightmare scenarios is something I should have thought of ages ago.

Still, I would be veeery careful, Gran. You've seen just a fraction of what she can do, but I-I know what she's capable of. Now that she's part of the family, she'll probably paint your barn pink one night and say it's just a new coat, a personal touch. But really, it-it's her way, her WAY of marking her territory. And I hate it.

It won't go away. Can't scrape it, can't paint over it--I mean, you-you can, but it WON'T last long. The next day, it'll be pink again with a note: "You need more pink in here, so I added a bit more!" And then she painted the bathroom for good measure. I haven't painted my closet or the bathroom again since that note.

Also, some Pinkists might stop by from time to time now that you're a scone-a soak... related with their leader. You can shoo them off with a spray bottle of water, or tell Pinkie if she stops by. I'm certain she'll have a way or two to cease their actions if you kindly ask her about it.

Beyond these small issues, Pinkie should be a bun derp full-wander... good addition to your family. I wish you the best of luck in keeping your home red, white, and slightly pink as possible.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Extend my regards to Goldie and her hundred cats for me, and let her know that I'm sending over that stack of books she asked for, the ones about cat care and how to make your home not smell like a dingy kennel.

Author's Notes:

I wish to extend thanks to videocrazy for a small edit to a certain name in this letter.

Rainbow's Not the Only One Who's Fallen and Can't Get Up

Captain Spitfire,

You're amazingly brazen. Do you know that? Flat-out attempting to steal Rainbow Dash from her team to replace Soarin after an injury? It's so forward with deceitful tact that I almost thought this report from the judges on your behavior was a joke.

It was not.

You know that the event was judged, right? The judges actively go around the grounds inspecting the competing teams--seeing their exercise routines, monitoring their meals, things personal trainers would normally do in consideration of this physical event. They're not all doe-eyed idiots--er, except for one, who's an actual doe. And even she could clearly see your behavior.

They still let you participate once Soarin came back from medical, but this behavior was so egregious on your behalf they felt the need to let me know that my head Captain of the Wonderbolts' actions are lacking in subtlety. It was probably as bad as my sister with her megaphone calmly addressing the nobles as to why one night came two, TWO minutes late.

"DON'T YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN NITPICK MY NIGHTTIME?!"

"NO!" They shouted back.

Nobles: can't live with them, wish I could live without them.

I digress. Spitfire, what you've done today is something I cannot ignore. Even if you took away something from Rainbow Dash's loyalty today, I can't just let you go with a slap on the hoof and walk off without drilling a lesson into your head on proper attitude towards fellow students/competitors.

So, you'll attend a noble etiquette class that Luna's teaching tomorrow evening, where she will cover all sorts of helpful topics like basic pony decency to other creatures, proper times to flaunt your wealth (hint: never, because you always look like an arsehole), and a baking class. You know, because sharing baked goods puts smiles on everypony's faces.

Well, I don't know about Luna's baking giving smiles, but the idea is there. Anyway, there is no worming your way out of this. If you're not there, Luna will get you in class via express delivery by a pair of ivory white talons.

And judging from the screams I heard, you don't want those.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hm? Sure, Luna. I can spare a bit of time trying out one of your lessons.

You're starting it with a pop quiz?! But I didn't even study! I don't even know what it's on!

Fine. Question 1: If you find a baby in an unattended carriage sucking a lollipop, you...

A. Take the candy and tell the baby it's unhealthy, then take a puff from your pipe/cigarette.

B. Berate the parent when they return for being negligent while the baby's crying, for added parental guilt.

C. Throw money at it, because that solves all of life's problems.

D. File a formal complaint to Celestia asking for unattended babies to be held accountable for public disturbances when they cry.

E. All of the above.

It Only Takes One Sick Person to Infect a Crowd

My darling Cadance,

The Crystal Ponies have been out of the loop for over a millenium, and I know you've been having problems getting them to adjust to some of the more modern societal standards and technology. Your latest introduction of fans into their life was of noble intent, even if it backfired from the reams of responses you lamented to me.

"ALL of them claimed it was a horrid generator of torrential stormy winds and water that make this awful noise within their homes! For land's sake, they're not even the ones used at the Wonderbolt Academy! Just the personal-size ones you sent me from Canterlot with the mist spray!"

Gods help you when you get around to toasters with them.

Now, I do understand why you needed to take a day off from their painfully slow and steady lifestyle. But that's also why you need to get them up to speed, especially since they have a station on the railroad as a prime tourist town. I know you've been dealing with more tourists than I usually get, but that's what happens when a town just suddenly reappears on the map again. Give it a few years--it'll wind down soon, hopefully.

Until then, make sure they're aware of technology like those fans existing in other towns, and especially of those that carry such technology on their person--I don't want to hear of complaints from nobles having their cameras broken for "blinding witchcraft shenanigans" again. I'm quite thankful you managed to get them used to trains, although admittedly hearing them called "whining, screeching iron demons" was hilarious at the time.

A-Ahem. Anyway, it sounds like you had an... interesting time hanging out with Twilight. And Discord. Curiously, I looked up that Blue Flu you say he mentioned, and it is a real disease. Not too contagious, but I'll tell Twilight to keep an eye on those that contracted it, including monitoring her own status. Thus, I warn you as well: if you see signs of intense swelling and bloating of rounded proportions, as well as an intensifying blue hue, let me know as soon as possible. I know someone who can fix it.

With love,

Princess Celestia

Oooh, I know that popping sound. Discord, what are you doing he--YE GODS!

What happened to you? I know Cadance mentioned you received some well-earned karma, but did an elder dragon sneeze on you or something?

Tatzlwurm? Close enough, but euuugh, keep your distance from me. I do not want to catch that stuff.

Discord, get a hankie! Actually, leave out the balcony! Don't you DARE sneeze in my room and--

I hate you SO much right now, you don't even know. You don't. Just... just get OUT of here!

Oh please, stars above, don't have Luna visit right now--

LUNA, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR! QUARANTINE ZONE!

Pinkie Swallows Her Pride

Pinkamena Deviant Pie,

Cheese Sandwich. Gods, I never thought I'd say that name ever again. No news of noise complaints over the past five years had me believing that crazy party pony had finally kicked the bucket or gone missing. I missed him.

But I'm happy to hear he's back, and I know this because that party over in Ponyville today was loud enough to have Canterlot--yes, my little nobles again--write up complaints about the noise coming from the neighboring town. And the only reason a party gets that loud is when Cheese is in town.

Now, I know you. You throw parties what seems like every other day in there for somepony because you've memorized all their birthdays--and mine and Luna's, for reasons you have yet to explain. So when Cheese came in, I'm certain you felt quite threatened by his approach, which is understandable. He was clearly on your turf, playing your game.

But he means no harm. He's a tried-and-true dedicated party pony without even an ounce of religious dogma in him. I haven't even heard of any Cheesists existing, unlike your Pinkists.

That said, I ask that you don't convert him. He's pretty much a year-round Santy Hooves, and I'd like that image to be preserved.

Also, now that he's back, he'll be hosting my birthday parties again. The nobles may have banned him from having any parties in the Canterlot commons, but my castle is still fair game. If they're willing to pester me endlessly at the Gala, they're willing to take it back on my birthday with music and fun firing on all cylinders.

Oh, but feel free to come over as a guest party planner. I'm certain Cheese won't mind seeing you again. But if you do, do me one favor:

Don't tell him about the mirror pool.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, miss Blueberry Bush. How's your--

GODS, cover when you sneeze! And for your cough too.

Thank you, and... uh, you have a black worm kind of poking out your nostril and...

Okay, didn't expect you to snort it back it up. That was... hurk... hoo, alright. Sorry, but geez, I really wish you didn't open the door back then.

It's not my fault you didn't listen--no, no, we shouldn't get mad. Tatzl flu just gets worse with anger.

Well, that's why I'm trying to be calm, and so should you! Noone would like us when we're angry.

Look, we'll just get a cup of nice, hot soup, play some Risk, and get through this together. The longer we're ill, the worse things will get.

Simple Ways to Deal with Trendsetters

Dear Rarity,

Mayor Mare wrote about your amazing success in hosting Ponyville Days. It added a rather interesting touch of class and culture standing in stark contrast to the farm-oriented town, which just adds another layer of intrigue to the town commonly known by the rest of the world as "where anything can happen, and we do mean ANYTHING."

But... ugh... Trenderhoof. I find it shocking that he had never visited a farm town before in all his years of travel, despite his article on Appleloosa insisting it "wasn't so much a farm town as it was a western town that really loves its tacked-on orchard." I'm honestly surprised he didn't call Ponyville "modern and modest, plus an orchard next to a frightful forest," but this quite clearly proves how fickle his mind is.

Do you know he visited Canterlot once and called Cuppa's coffee a drink so rustic he swore he tasted rust? While I don't doubt that, that comment alone almost ruined Cuppa Joe's reputation for a whole year, were it not for the fact that I kept getting my tea there.

I was called every synonym of distasteful and unclassy by nobles that blindly follow the words of a stallion with standards so flippant even corrupt health inspectors fare better judges of food quality. But I didn't mind, and eventually they came around to the fact that a Princess who's eaten more than enough cultured cuisine over the course of centuries just miiight have a better idea of what's delicious, and what isn't. Trenderhoof may spot what's hot in the moment, but trends fade away, and it's in such times that I look for things that I know will last, regardless if it's trendy or not.

Rarity, your elegance and style in your clothing designs are one of those things I should hope won't change to reflect the tastes of a single pony with as much permanent swaying potential as a small gust of wind trying to bend a well-rooted tree. Change may come to many things in life, but some things don't need it. I should hope that your sense of fashion stays the same in that regard.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Yes, Luna what is--snnrk...

Hahaha--nothing's... ahem, nothing is funny, Luna. I just didn't expect you to wear red square-rimmed glasses and a tan sweater vest.

Trendy? That get-up?! According to who--you read Trot Topic, didn't you? Trenderhoof's editorial magazine. Where did you find it?

Oh, right. Well, I don't read it--I use the paper for Philomena's birdcage.

Sure, you can use it for Shadebeak's cage. Anyway, don't listen to him and his idea of fashion--you're beautiful just the way you are.

Vanilla Filling, a Little Enjoyable Thing

Mayor Mare,

I just received your weekly expense report, and for the most part, damages seem to be in order. Pinkie's streamers and party favors littering the town and hidden objects in bushes and trees, another hole in Granny's barn caused by a mad cow, and as usual, a giant animal causing significant damage to somepony's business. Although, I do admit reading about a giant white cat treating the Quills and Sofas building as a scratching post was most amusing. The giant hairballs weren't.

Don't worry about that last expense, by the way; you mentioned Twilight was experimenting with size control that Tuesday, so I'll see to it that the Harmony fund will cover that.

But on another note, there's one section in particular that concerns me regarding your ribbon-cutting ceremony. Specifically, you listed the ceremony inaugurating a brand new entertainment kiosk about the size of a farmer's vendor stand in the tent plaza.

I... well, honestly I didn't expect that was something ribbon-worthy. Usually you do those sorts of ceremonies for big, important buildings like Ponyville Medical, the Community Theatre, and the Spa Sisters' Parlor. Which reminds me, we really should stop by and visit those girls. It's been a good year or so since my last massage.

Anyway, I don't doubt the kiosk will see plenty of use, especially after the Ponytones made a marvelous display of how it could be used for a simple acapella performance. I'm simply expressing a bit of concern that the next ceremony might honor a new fencepost at Sweet Apple Acres or something equally ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong--it's perfectly acceptable to celebrate the little things in life. It doesn't mean the whole town should know about it, however. I don't go around Canterlot singing about earrings like they're the best thing, unlike a noble mare this afternoon. Oh, all the places she will go to impress faces she won't know!

Mayor, I ask this as a Princess presiding over rich fools, but more importantly, I ask this as a friend. Do not be like my nobles, and please celebrate responsibly.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Luna, of course you can come to the Spa with me.

No no, Aloe and Lotus are professionals. They'll wear earmuffs so you don't bust their eardrums, so don't worry about your voice. They did that for my first visit... and every subsequent one.

Oh yes, we'll need a carriage. You won't even be able to fly when they're done. Walk, at best, and--where are you going?

Oh no, don't you back out of this! Trust me, you'll feel like a million bits when they're through.

Twilight's Time in the Spotlight

Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I'm so happy to see that you received your first grossly unflattering photo. The way you just tore into that Hayburger couldn't have been better short of you holding a hoofful of Hayfries and going whole-hog on that meal like Pinkie Pie would.

However, I do understand that you're a bit upset about that photograph being a source of remarkable defamation, but trust me, it's good for you! So long as it isn't something super-scandalous like sharing a kiss with a foreign dignitary or anything staining your ethics, the results of such minor issues only serve as platforms for you to stand on common ground with others around you. The less deified you appear, the better.

The ability to save face in the worst of times is something you should not overlook, my former student. That said, your actions and reactions to such "bad" publicity will absolutely determine how the public will perceive you, and the worst thing you can do at this point is deny it for something this petty. It's just food--there's no need to sweat anything over eating a burger.

Now, when you're inevitably questioned about this by the tens of hundreds or reporters that will probably swarm your library once they catch wind of another face-stuffing princess, what you should do is accept it with dignity. No "holier than thou" or any sort of vaguely condescending talk, just a good and honest, "Yes, I ate at Hayburgers, and it was good." Something modest without degrading some demographic or being too wordy--be VERY careful with how you dictate it. I don't want the Canterlot Courier going off on a wild tangent again with all princesses eating at Hayburgers and lovin' it. The LAST thing I want is to be associated with a facetious ad campaign again.

I once visited a restaurant that served such horrendous cuisine I called it, "Anything but edible. It's the worst! I would rather eat raw biscuit dough from a time than come here again." Three days later they threw up a poster with my smiling face. "Anything but... the worst! I would... come here again!" Never have I seen one of my quotes so horrendously butchered before then.

Sure, I was thought of as crazy for "generously" describing their food that way, and PR was a nightmare as I struggled to describe exactly what I ate there, literally. It had... a form, a smell, a texture... but it was not of this world, and I mean that in the worst sense possible. Sadly, that doesn't translate well when that was interpreted into "otherworldly and exotic," and the whole ordeal just went on and on for months on end, egged on by those two terrible owners.

I digress. Twilight, just... be careful. If you're not, you'll find yourself caught in a firestorm that no extinguisher can easily put out.

Best regards and well wishes,

Princess Celestia

Gods! Luna, knocking is common courtesy at this hour! What could possibly--

That... wow, that's a big Hayburger. It barely fit through the door frame.

A challenge? Luna, you can't possibly be asking--

Oh ho ho, you really think you can eat more of this burger than I can? Game on, sister! But, uh, did you bring napkins?

Good--we'll need a carpet of them on the floor. I have a feeling this will get really messy.

It Ain't Breezy if Luna's Not Shouting

Dearest Fluttershy,

Today was the day the Breezies flew through Ponyville to get home, wasn't it? Oh, how I would have loved to see those frail, lovely things in action, surfing the perfect calm breeze as they flew their way home in near-ideal weather conditions.

But unfortunately, the Equestrian Society for the Preservation of Rare Creatures has… “politely” requested that I do not participate in any such observations for one single, solitary reason: even at my lowest tones, apparently I'm too loud and forceful with my voice to not affect the Breezies' flight path.

While I should be insulted that the group had the gall to suggest that I cannot keep myself quiet around obscenely cute and precious creatures--if that was the case, Philomena would have left a LONG time ago from the sheer noise I supposedly produce--I do understand where they were coming from. The whole ordeal involving Luna and the Dragon Migration put them on edge, and if she can do that to dragons, they believe I can do the same to Breezies. They have a very raw deal with how their entire livelihood and journey are tethered to one thing needing to be near-perfect to immaculate, and even though I've told them I can be perfectly quiet like a good little filly, the risk was too great nonetheless.

But the Breezies know how bad they have it, too. And if I'm reading Mayor's report right, then at least one pony in town had an idea to try and make it easier for them. I received a signed petition attached to her report to fund a project that would guide the Breezies into an isolated wind tunnel that goes through the town of Ponyville.

Dubbed the Breezie Flyway, it would simply be a long, clear tube suspended by Unicorns along the Breezies' flight path, with Pegasi guiding them in with a gentle breeze. The idea is it would prevent stray objects from interfering with the flight path, like a stray leaf or something, therefore keeping the group together and keeping them moving in a timely manner.

It's quite sound, assuming that the entrance of the tunnel is monitored very carefully. The exit would need watching as well--there's always the chance they could be caught right as they leave by rogue winds--but if it succeeds at those two areas, their journey would be quite pleasant to observe with little to impede their progress.

It might even let me observe the Breezies, specifically from the middle of the tube's path to minimize the risk of any booming accidents! Honestly, this could really work out in a lot of ways and--

Yes, today was the day of the Breezie Migration, Luna.

No, you couldn't have gone, even if you wanted to. The Society also “politely” requested you abstain from attending ALL rare and uncommon observations after the Dragon Migration incident.

Look, if you really want to see them that bad, we can have a calm discussion with them on just exactly how hush-hush we can be. I’ll go ahead and contact them later to get that very important meeting set up.

Ahem, where was I? Ah, yes, the tube. I'll go ahead and forward this back to the Mayor with my approval tomorrow evening, but if you have any objections or improvements, please contact me as soon as possible. The Society will receive a copy as well, and we'll discuss that with them personally when the time comes. I'll look forward to that.

Enjoy your evening, Fluttershy.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

...say, Luna, do you still have those little dragons following you around?

Oh, I was just going to suggest we take them with you. You know, to argue that you can totally keep dragons around you and not cause the sort of destruction that causes a brand new ravine to appear.

No, we won’t tell them about all the castle fires, either.

Wanted: Somepony to Watch Over Two Dragons. Bring Your Own Fire Extinguisher.

Granny Smith,

I thank you for having the patience to consult me for parental advice, even if your letter is filled with the angry scrawlings of a mad bull that was recently dehorned. I understand how you feel about this--not only had Applepack abandoned her delivery duties to play Extreme Home Babysitter, Apple Bloom in retaliation sneaked away to try and complete an obscenely difficult delivery through a fire swamp.

This... well, this is really difficult to give advice on, actually. Both have their side justified in a sense, one wanting independence and the trust of their family to do alright on their own, while the other fears they may not be ready for the world at large, and all the dangers that lurk in the deepest darkness the world can offer.

I suppose, then, that the best advice I can give on this is to see things from their perspectives above. Sure, both acted with a great degree of irresponsibility, but it's not like we haven't either, am I right?

I even recall the times you've told me of your own coddling experiences with your dear daughter, and how ninety percent of your arguments had broken down with something breaking down at the end, usually your barn. Once, a hole in your wall. I honestly thought you were joking about her bucking strength until I visited and saw her buck a firewood log into kindling in one shot.

Needless to say, those growing years--most notably puberty and her first estrus, if I recall correctly--proved to be quite the trials and tribulations for you, but you've weathered your daughter. You can weather this without breaking a sweat.

I'm certain both would benefit from a bit of punishment, but I request that you be lenient. Don't go off the deep end and ground both of them for a month--keeping them rooted down with a half-hearted explanation doesn't solve anything. Instead, just have a chat with both of them, mare to mare.

For Apple Bloom, let her know that you trust her being alone just so long as you don't come back to a razed barn or home. You know, set a baseline expectation of maintaining some decent standards while you're away, and that they don't do anything spectacularly reckless that ends with somepony put in serious danger.

As for Applefact, kindly remind her that giving Apple Bloom a small amount of liberty and responsibility is the first step in doing what should be done to prepare her for the real world. Without it, what hope does she have to move forward when somepony holds her back? Granted, this is a far cry from teaching her everything she'll need to know, but that's why this is a gradual process, not a one-shot.

Just don't talk to her about taxes. Gods, even I don't have that completely figured out yet because it keeps changing almost every week. It's pure madness just trying to keep up with something that changes so often. Even Pinkie is more stable than our tax code.

Anyway, I've put my two bits forth, but the choice is ultimately yours, Granny. I hope you'll make a sound decision you won't regret later.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Okay, no, Granny doesn't have the Royal Voice. She can't just shout the problem away, Luna. That's the exact opposite of rooting them down, which is pushing them away. You and I both know that is the worst thing to do.

Oh, while you're here, the Society responded, and requested that we don't bring any of our pets or servants at the meeting for the express purpose of not wanting to walk out with singed hair and flanks.

I know, I'm disappointed too. I thought it was a great idea, but they have other plans that suggest they'd like to live and walk out without relieving themselves in their seats. Looks like it'll just be us.

Uh, no. My birdsitter can cover our two birds while we're out, but she doesn't do dragons. You'll need to figure out something else. Maybe post an ad somewhere that many will notice.

Maud Pies: They're Better Than Eating Dirt

Pinkamena Diabeetus Pie,

I am very thankful for this gift of yours. Although, I feel the need to ask a small question:

What in gods' names am I supposed to do with half a ton of rock candy necklaces?

Yes, I know I've eaten sweets in large amounts like this before, but that ended with my massive tower buckling over from the sheer weight of Luna's and my fat arses. I do NOT plan on repeating this again, no matter how tantalizingly sweet these piles smell. Although they do smell just so, SO delicious, and I'm nursing a small piece in the corner of my mouth, that does not mean I'll eat my way through all of it.

Luna, similarly, has sworn off such gorging for fear of wrecking her own tower, and I don't blame her. She did take a large sack full of them, but that's all... or was it two sacks? Maybe it was two. And a mouthful that gave me the impression she is part-chipmunk--okay, she'll probably come back for more.

Most of my guards might be able to make another small dent in this, but that would hardly matter in the long run if they balloon and can't fit in their armor again. And I can't donate the remains to the nobles again--after the first sweets overload they've taken to fad dieting, and this donation would absolutely meet resistance at every turn. I'd maybe get a few secret guilt-eaters, but it wouldn't be enough.

So, regretfully, I'd like to ask if you want some of this back. Do note that this candy won't be going in the trash if you refuse--I'll just figure out how to regift this candy some other way after taking a share that I know I can eat without having my castle reek of a candy playground. Please respond as soon as you can.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. How was your afternoon stroll down in Canterlot?

You visited Twilight’s parents? Interesting, and how did that--

Oh, you… didn’t have much in common with them. I see. Well, worry not, dear sister. This isn’t a bad thing at all.

Well, friendship with family relatives of friends you know isn’t a mandatory thing. That’s not to say you shouldn’t try and seek common ground if it’s possible, but if your only common ground is a pony you both know well, that’s not quite enough justification to seek full-on friendship. If that was all I needed, I’d be friends with every single noble pony in Canterlot, and we both know that’s not the case.

Therefore, such a situation merits acquaintanceship at best, and acknowledgement at minimum. Respect them and who they are to your friend, and that’s all you really need to do to keep relations with them at an amicable level.

Great, I’m happy you learned something from this! Now then, have you scoped out that rock candy pile enough? I’m about to head down for some more.

Wait, you let your DRAGONS see the pile? Are you out of your mind?! Rock candy is more than just rocks! It's sugar!

FLAMMABLE sugar!

No, Luna. This kind of fire is different. We need to hurry! If Pinkie catches a whiff of burnt sugar coming from Canterlot right now…

Yeah, now you get it! MOVE!

Sweetie, the Bell Tolls for You

Dearest Sweetie Belle,

Firstly, I wish to apologize for intensifying your dream last night. I hope you didn't think of it as excessive, but I felt that such a grim "what if" scenario was necessary to get the point across that such selfish, petty revenge can lead to very devastating results for Rarity.

What it didn't show, however, was how you would have lived in such conditions. How do you think things would have been for you in that devastated boutique littered with cobwebs and tattered cloth? Do you think you would be living there still, or would you stay with your parents and watch your sister implode as your actions wrecked her reputation, drive, and ability?

Would you admit to her, after the fact, that you had unraveled her life by undoing just one stitch?

That “what if” is far darker than you know, Sweetie Belle. Some actions ponies take in life can have consequences the likes of which they could never imagine, and it can come back to haunt them for the rest of their days. That is why you must think carefully down the road on the decisions you make, for they may take you down a path that, once trodden, you’ll realize is not where you wanted to go. And depending on how grave the choice is… there may not be an easy way to return.

Be thankful for what you have, Sweetie Belle. You have a sister that cares for you very much, despite the squabbles you have with her. Trust me, that’s normal--Celestia and I get into fights all the time over who ate the last of the Macamoons, and whose turn it is to get the Coocoonuts for it. I’ll share a secret: it’s usually me that has the last one. They’re crazy good.

Anyway, Rarity does a lot for you, and you know that now. Show appreciation for what she does now and then, because while it may seem a bit overbearing at times, know that it’s done with love, and not just to show off her own talents, but to help highlight yours as well… when that talent comes around, that is. And if I’ve seen enough of your dreams by now, I have a feeling you’re closer to what your talent is than you think. It just needs a moment to truly reveal itself to you, and once you find it, you’ll know what to do.

Also, I may have a small proposition for you and your friends. My sister and I will be heading off to a meeting in a few weeks or so, and you seem comfortable with small animals. Would you be willing to watch over two small dragons for a day? You’ve been around Spike, I believe--Flint and Spark are a bit more rambunctious than he is, but mostly well-behaved. They just need someone to keep an eye on them and--

Tia, you asked me to figure something out regarding the dragons, so I’m doing so! What’s wrong with asking the Crusaders to look over them?

Oh, “everything” is a bit of an over exaggeration, isn’t it? Yes, they're children but two of them have family members with pets, so they have some experience with animal care. And my dragons love kids! I’ll even leave a burn-proof list of tasks for them to help if they’re stuck. Plus, they get free reign over the castle minus doing every single princess duty we do. What could possibly go wrong?

Yes, I ate some Macamoons earlier, but I don’t see why--OH! Yes, that is a problem. I’ll rethink this, Celestia. Thank you for pointing that out.

Ahem, Sweetie, the offer’s off the table for now. My apologies, but I'm not of sound thought on this matter at the moment. Anyway, think hard about your decisions in life and where they'll take you, and absolutely do not try to babysit dragons. Ignore my suggestion, please.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

A Leap of Faith Better be On Good Faith

Dear Granny Smith,

I'm happy to hear you've finally picked up on regular swimming again after all these years, even if it took a bit of liquid confidence to get there--and I don't mean hard liquor. We both know how far you can go with that in your system, and so does Mayor Mare. And all of the workers at Barley's Brewery. I hope you thought swimming in a beer vat was worth a lifetime ban, missy.

Then again, that sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I suppose it was worth it.

Oh, but Applesnack helped you come to your senses, didn't she? I wouldn't have guessed that, given you drank a tonic you described as "apple juice with seed chunks and leaves too. Very hearty." It really didn't sound that bad to drink, but I'll be honest and say that's not my cup of tea, not when I have Blend #33. Thanks for that blend, by the way--really makes this warm apple cider burst with flavor.

But that wasn't the issue with the tonic, which were claims of it being yet another miracle curative, if I recall. I'm quite surprised she lied about the tonic's benefits at first for your sake, because such a blatant flop at the silver tongues of those salesponies had only invited more trouble with, what else, quote mining and bastardization of her character. You'd think she'd learn by now that mincing words and dodging the issue just makes things worse for all involved and doesn't resolve anything until she owns up to her misstep. Well, if that hasn't gone through her head, it probably did by now, so here's to hoping she never has this problem again.

Don't tell to my nobles that honesty is the best policy, though. They will absolutely deny any wrongdoings to the bitter end, with 'justified' excuses armed and ready. "Oh no, I didn't mean to smash her balcony window. I was trying to get into my apartment, not hers." "I had to keep going after I hit that old stallion! My ice cream cake was going to melt! It was Death by Chocolate!" "No, I'm not mad they burnt to crunchy munchy caramel! I'll just send a new fireproof batch to you and--"

Oh, uh, that last one wasn't one of the excuses I heard. This note from Pinkie got mixed in somehow. I really should keep this desk cleaner, but it keeps piling up with paperwork that really, REALLY shouldn't be on my desk.

Anyway, glad you got your confidence back, and if you feel like going for a swim and have a free weekend, I have an indoor pool invitation with your name on it. You know, to prevent sunburns.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

And speaking of paperwork...

Luna, come here. Do you see this giant scroll taking up almost half of my deskspace? That's from the Cutie Mark Crusaders, addressed to you.

Yeeep, precisely because of what you did a few days ago. Call it a hunch, but I bet it's filled with a bunch of reasons why they should be your dragon sitters, and they were pretty thorough, judging by the size of this.

I'm certain they expect a very thoughtful reply on this matter, so good luck with that!

These Wonderbolts are Testing My Patience in 3, 2, 1...

Captain Spitfire,

I need to clarify something, for both your sake and mine.

When the Wonderbolts came to me and asked for funding to build an academy, I was elated at the idea. Ecstatic, even. A place where prospective Wonderbolt candidates can go to learn to be part of one of the largest and important flying squads in all of Equestria? How could I refuse such a forward-thinking motion that ensures the Wonderbolts remain mighty and numbering tens of hundreds strong in times of crisis?

So of course I approved it, and within a few months, the Academy was built and decked out with all the training gear you needed. Wingpower meters, giant fans, storm generators and various other weather machines that service just as well as the factory in Cloudsdale. The whole project was nothing short of a dream turned reality before our very eyes. And with you and your team heading the Academy, plus some supplemental staff here and there, I foresaw nothing but great things to come.

Cut to twenty years later, and despite some noteworthy attendance, I noticed that the number of Wonderbolts hadn't changed one bit. I figured it was a slow start on your part--surprising, given the nature of your performances in towns across the land. Or perhaps the students that attended simply hadn't met your rigorous standards to become one of the few that could soar above all others.

But surely some results would come once Rainbow Dash joined the Academy. I knew how skilled a flyer she was, and expected her to be one of your top students to become a Wonderbolt within just a few months.

Six months later, and nothing happened. So either Rainbow Dash had less intelligence than a cloud, or something was seriously wrong with how the Academy functioned. I chose the latter, and today I did some digging around in a copy of your curriculum and class procedures.

Nowhere in any of the school material, paperwork, or even embossed on the toilet paper rolls are there any mentions of students attending the Academy actually joining a place where they are a Wonderbolt. Not just learning about becoming one, but actually becoming one. In other words, the Academy never set up any Reserves program.

In. Twenty. Years.

Imagine if my School for Gifted Unicorns had taught everything one should know about magical theory, but not how to apply it to anything. All the magic training is available, but I don't offer a place or career path where their skills might see the best use, and failing that, some alternatives that might see them living fulfilling lives their way. That, Captain Spitfire, is what this stagnant Wonderbolt Academy has been doing this whole time.

And you're going to fix this. Right now. Set up a Wonderbolts Reserves program, have some students take some test to try and get in it, and get me some results I can smile at regarding your Academy's standing, for once. If you don't, I'll pull out my funding of the Academy and sort out another solution to choosing Wonderbolts at my discretion. Needless to say, but I will be cleaning house if that happens.

Make my investment in this place worthwhile, Spitfire, because right now, it's as worthless as a tree that bears no fruit. And I am holding an axe.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

What the--Luna, where did you get all of those military medals?

Okay, no, I guess there's no expressly written rule Alicorns can't join multiple branches of the military, but seriously, the Seaponies? Did you do the song?

NEVERMIND, don't sing it. So, what's next on your badge hunt?

Uh, I'd hold off on the Wonderbolts for a little bit. They have some issues they need to work out veeery soon.

I'll Trade Ya For Some Bits of Common Sense

Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I thank you for overseeing the nightmarish bartering bazaar that is the Rainbow Falls Trade Exchange. I was concerned when I'd heard rumors of a trade ending with indentured servitude as a bargaining chip, but thankfully, common sense prevailed at the end, and the trade was called off.

Unfortunately, it seems nopony there had the good sense to take my darling Cadance's suggestion and use an established medium of exchange to get the things you want if you don't have what they're looking for. Or Luna's. Or mine.

Especially mine, because I've been attending this Trade Exchange for far longer than anyone else, and I've seen more than enough stupid decision making for amazingly petty reasons.

It's made me cry tears of pain. Pure, indescribable pain.

"Nobody at this exchange has anything I want? Well, I guess nobody gets my stuff, regardless of any that want it!"

This thought process sums up the entire problem with the Exchange. Because there is no established medium, or rather, no medium is allowed, so many ponies come here looking for something and either walk away unsatisfied with what they came in with, or stuck doing an insane trading quest with ten-plus vendors to get what they want from just one vendor. Sure, there are ponies that come in with the right thing at the right time, but they are few and far between when the wants of the vendors are subject to change at any time, for any reason. Items once desired may not be after just twenty minutes, and such traders caught up in this runaround get screwed due to fickle desire.

And that's "okay" according to the rule, because the trades got them closer to the goalpost at the end, only for the vendor to just up and move it once they get there. This is why I prefer agreements in writing, and not verbal.

Just... how hard is it for this place to just buy and sell items with bits in addition to bartering? The versatility in using this method would allow for more trades at prices they deemed fair by both parties involved in the exchange. Stuff would actually get sold and traded with significantly better turnover than limiting to just whatever garage sale items litter our home! And if for some reason there's nothing to interest a seller in terms of items, why should they object to some extra weight in their coinpurse?

This traditional Exchange has been around since the Unification, and its showing its age VERY openly. Yet much like Winter Wrap Up, this highly inconvenient thing refuses to adjust to the modern times, hailing from an age where food for cloth and other amenities was acceptable. But now that ponies these days are far pickier, this simply doesn't work as well as it could.

I just hope that next year, some ponies will actually see sense when it's... ugh, my turn to oversee the Exchange. It's unlikely, but we'll see.

Also, if you happen to be interested in a strange glove I have collecting dust in my closet, please let me know.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, you wouldn't be interested, Luna. It's just a sock I got from a wizard a century ago.

Well, of course I didn't want a sock! I wanted a nice hat, one that could work around my horn, but the vendor closed up shop before I could make the trade!

Now look at it! What am I supposed to do with ONE sock?! It's not even a pair or a full set! I mean, maybe a stallion could use this as is, but I'd need to remake this into a scarf or something to make it practical!

But, well, lesson learned. You can't always get what you want when the one offering it changes their mind last minute.

Inspiration Manifestation, Classification: Beautification

Mayor Mare,

Do you know what the trouble is with having secret passageways in your castle? They have to be built, and the only way they're kept secret is if you do it yourself, and no one stumbles across them during construction.

Or, if you're like me and somewhat naive, you hire a small crew of dedicated workers to build the passages, and expecting them to strictly uphold to your specifications without any deviations.

Gods, the foremare was so obnoxious back then, and I can't remember her name. It wasn't Hula Hoop, but I think that's close. Agh, it's right on the tip of my tongue, but she was so, SO persistent to deal with when she wasn't doing her job.

She always wanted to challenge us in some way or another, magic or otherwise. Even tried to force us to compete by "trapping" us, then demanding a competition like some kind of demented achievement hunter.

"I bet you can't eat more bananas than me!" she screamed at me through the sack opening when I tripped down a set of stairs. Ah, what a day that was. Truly, her behavior was adorable, if somewhat problematic at times.

Thinking on it, I'm certain that book was hers, probably made after the time she hosted a beauty contest to try and beat us in good looks. Only she would make something so devoted to a startlingly blunt interpretation of "beauty's in the eye of the beholder." Not even Starswirl would be so selfish, and he invented a beard-trimming spell for exceptionally long beards, for crying out loud!

Still, I would have picked a better spot to stash such a powerful book. If I had to hide it, I wouldn't have had it sitting alone in an ominous room heralding the fact that it's probably something not to be touched, which would practically offer it on a silver platter to anyone that stumbled across it and felt like touching.

Seriously, I looked at the room afterward, and there's no way I had asked for any room to have a bottomless pit. None! Why would I need one? Granted, it would be a fantastic trash chute, but the risk is too great for other non-trash things.

No, it would never be that obvious for a relic that needed three princesses to undo the damage it had caused. Why, I'd stash it in the library itself behind one of the bookshelves backed up against the wall, crammed in the small crevice between the two. Noone with any kind of sense would try to claim a book so rigorously hidden short of moving around the whole shelf or wrecking the library, and who would have the sense to do that?

Er, this is just hypothetical, mind you. I'm just thinking of a better hiding spot that doesn't require some elaborate locking mechanism and a room torn out of Sombra's Interior Design Catalog. There's certainly nothing there worth your time, Mayor. Or Twilight's. Both of you have a busy schedule to keep with those damages after this incident, and I fully expect Ponyville to be back to normal within a few weeks.

Well, "normal" meaning... you know what I mean.

Keep calm, take deep breaths, and you'll get through this week, Mayor. I'm certain nothing worse can happen to you beyond Rarity deciding your attire needing to look so business-formal it makes my sister's secretary uniform look outdated. I still can't believe she kept that.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Luna, do you remember that foremare from over a thousand years ago? The one we hired to make the secret passages?

Yeah, the one that insisted on wearing a stage cloak, and shunned hardhats.

Oh great, you don't have a name either. Well, you know who I'm talking about. Did she ever build any other rooms you know of?

Not even the underground hot spring?

Oh please, that wasn't so secret at all. That foremare had a big thing for peepholes, and that's how I found out. She really had some serious obsession problems, and--

L-Luna? Are you okay? Calm down, I'm sure they weren't used that way!

Ponyfeathers, there she goes again. Might as well prepare to explain to the astronomists why the moon has another crater in it again.

Why Princesses Can't Join in Any Equestria Games

Dear Spike,

I'm quite thankful you'd managed to stop that massive ice cloud from crushing the stadium stands. We would have helped, but couldn't thanks to one Twilight Sparkle's spellcasting at the start of the games.

I know that was a thing that happened, because a few hawkeye officials and security guards had monitored us this year. I understand why, though. Cadance and I had a bit of... rowdy good fun at the previous Games held at Manehatten (think barrels full of live monkeys during the barrel races), and with Luna's infamous booming voice, many eyes were watching us for shenanigans at this year's Equestria Games.

In regards to Twilight, they didn't exactly know what she did at the time, but just the thought of an alicorn having "fun" with the games again was more than enough to bristle their gangly nose hairs, and shortly afterward, we were pulled aside for a small conversation with them. They called her out on her actions, and she clarified that she used a small pyromancy spell to light the torch, as you were unable to do so.

Despite her eloquent apology and promise to refrain from using magic for the remainder of the Games using the absolute best of reason a princess can offer, it was too late. Reasoning lost ground as slippery slopes took hold, and they started spewing off all sorts of "solutions" to the problems they foresaw us causing if they let this small thing slide.

One official in the group had the gall to suggest they muzzle Luna. That official is no longer with us due to Luna's... response--he's probably deaf, angry, and flying at a hundred miles an hour right now. I decided to cast a small sound dampener instead, much to her dismay, but it kept mostly everypony happy. Except that one official, of course.

We're definitely going to pay their medical bill. That's our bad.

Anyway, they'd set up the magic dampeners shortly after our discussion as a catch-all safety precaution. The paranoia of an alicorn or any unicorn messing with the games would have had some tragic backfire, were it not for your fire, Spike. Honestly, I cannot praise you enough for being the hero here. Maybe now the officials will see reason for next year.

Or not, like always.

Your singing voice needs work, though. Like, big time improvement. Pinkie might have enjoyed your calamitous chords, as did I, but not many in this day and age appreciate that sort of twist on music anymore, especially to something as patriotic as an anthem.

If you like, I can introduce you to Luna's vocal coach. It took the better part of six months to find one that could both withstand the shockwaves and give solid advice on controlling the range and volume without being too antagonizing for my sister's liking, but I found one. It's only been a few months, but the results are quite promising. I no longer need to sneak in disposable earplugs to her practice sessions!

Both of them need to stop checking my ears, though. I told them I stopped doing it, and I meant it!

Also, Rarity or Fluttershy might be good options. Both of them are Ponytones, if memory serves, so you certainly have the pick of the litter among some of the best on offer.

Do respond through the usual correspondence if you choose Luna's coach, though. She normally has appointments, but I think I can arrange an exception.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Oh, good evening, Ms. Harshwhinny.

Luna's probably in her room, but if she remembers what today is, she is most certainly not there.

Yes, hiding from you again. Probably in the same spot she hid in two weeks ago. Check the kitchen cabinets.

Well, I guess I can come and see the session later and--HEY! Not the ear! I told you there's no earplugs in there!

Your eyes played tricks on you last week! I swear I wasn't wearing any!

Fine, you can check as I enter the room, but I mean it when I say you won't find any in my ears.

Everything the Light Touches...

Dear Discord,

I write this to you in the hopes of enlisting your aid, for a dark force has escaped the confines of Tartarus that we believe you are the only one capable of hunting down and capturing in a timely and appropriate manner.

Tirek has finally made his move. Or, rather, we're just now aware he's escaped, because a particular warden failed to mention to me that one of their high-profile prisoners had fled the coop. Thanks to a startling vision last night, Luna and I are caught up on the situation, but we can hardly rely on visions to track down a centaur that, despite his feeble appearance, can move faster than we'd anticipated.

That is where you come in. You are the only one that has an attuned sense to the ebb and flow of magic in our world, and thus can sense when a great magical disturbance occurs. Certainly you've felt one of those heeby-jeebies already--that's Tirek's handiwork on one of my precious ponies.

His violent leeching magic, left unchecked, can easily rob us all of magic with no seeming end to his tyranny, but if you nip this in the bud and catch him before things get out of control, the land of Equestria would be very thankful for your aid.

More importantly, I would be extremely grateful, and I might even sign off on your plans to build that Crazy Land theme park of yours. Sure, the blueprints make absolutely no sense at all--making a water wheel a Ferris wheel attraction? Still, it's better than your previous submission of turning a bathroom into a water slide...

Ahem. Do note that I am placing a significant amount of trust in you for this assignment. It is by your actions that may decide whether or not Equestria continues to thrive, or suffer under the hoof of a tyrant that has no qualms with razing our proud and strong cities to the ground.

Do not misplace this trust, Discord. Because if you do, you'll find I can put my horn in very uncomfortable places on your person. By which I mean I'll likely shove my horn up your arse, out your nose, then bend it around to spear through your ears. Knowing you, that'll just be a light, tickly thing that doesn't seem like a huge threat. Believe me, I'll make it anything but ticklish.

Anyway, do give this some thought, and if you want to play Hero and save Equestria, please come by the castle for some more briefing on this giant leech of a centaur. I'll be waiting with a warm smile and happy thoughts.

Just don't twist them into a frown and unhappy thoughts, and make this into a bigger problem than it could be.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Princess Twilight,

We have a bigger problem. Plan D has failed miserably, and it backfired on us in the worst way possible.

Come to Canterlot at once. Be hasty, for there is precious time left to spare.

Also, bring aspirin. You'll be in for a major headache.

Signed,

Princess Celestia

...is Our Kingdom, Twilight

Dear Discord,

Do you know how fortunate you are? Do you?

You should. Taking into account your gift of my marbles, my weakness for a good apology bouquet, and Twilight and Fluttershy vouching on your behalf after everything you've done, bad and good, I've retracted my previous decision to have you recast in stone via Cockatrice after Tirek was dealt with.

You were to be released at Fluttershy's discretion, and that may not have come for a long time. Or less than an hour, depending on how quickly she forgave you for your transgressions. You might have been lucky, but the world may never know.

That does not mean your reintegration into our society will be smooth, however. You've pissed off a lot of ponies aiding that demonic centaur, and torched many bridges along the way to a point beyond repair. I've done what I can to make sure capital punishment will not happen to you for these particular crimes--the rest, however, remains on your burdened shoulders to fix, one rope and plank at a time.

For me, while I do believe you are regretful of your actions, I simply don't trust you to handle any serious threats beyond "E" in the APEX scale. Accidents and petty crimes are still reportable, if you so choose to flood my inbox with complaints of otherworldly dog urine killing your lawn. Again. But evil and extreme threats are beyond you until I see evidence that you are not so easily swayed by the darker temptations to usurp power or disrupt my ponies in a deliberate, harmful manner.

That evidence will only come with time, Discord. Or until the next threat comes and you prove yourself worthy of my complete trust again, whichever comes first.

In any case, Tirek is safely locked up in Tartarus once again partially due to your help, with Cerberus guarding the gates like a good boy--and minus one Warden Pyrefly, who voluntarily quit under the reason of "preventing a supernova." Hilarious.

But this also leaves Tartarus without a Warden. A ship without its captain, so to speak, but I'm sure Luna will make a fine substitute until I find a new one. I hear Tartarus has fantastic echoes, so everything should be just... peachy.

Ah, yes, one more thing. Your Crazy Land proposal is denied until further notice. Please do not resubmit it as a bundle of post-it notes with anagrams of my name on the back of them.

Sincerely,

Princess Stale Ice

Author's Notes:

Thanks for reading up to this fourth season, good folk! Also, the fanmail has been answered. Apologies for the long delay on the matter. Celestia was a bit occupied.

Letter from a Former Student of an Irritated Princess

Dear Princess Celestia,

It's been a long time, hasn't it? For me, at least--I'm not sure how it is for you. But I'm hoping this book still works after all this time, because I don't think we can wait for twenty moons until the portal opens again.

Simply put, a group of girls have come to the school, and they're a lot like me. Well, more like what I was. Worst of all, they're singers, and their songs practically ooze with venom in every word. They also cause people to fart green gas or something, and it goes in their magic gems on their brooches. I don't even know what they are, but I'm certain of one thing.

They are not from here. I know magic when I see it, and this is some evil juju. Even Twilight's friends here have picked up on their evil intent, so it's not just me singling out some new students and being a bitch here. They are trouble, and we can't handle them like this. They've already got a great deal of the school wrapped around their painted fingernails--except for one girl who, I think, doesn't know this is actually a school and not a buffet with multiple dining rooms.

I caught her eating tacos in the girl's bathroom once. It was weird. Don't ask.

But to the point, Twilight's friends and I need help, and the only way I can do that is going out on a wing and a prayer by saying that we need you.

I need you.

So please please PLEASE... contact Princess Twilight Sparkle, and let her know we need her help.

I mean, yes, this is a huge deal, but I don't want to bother you too much for your time on this. You have a whole nation to preside over, and Twilight... does she even have a castle yet?

Anyway, she came through the portal to help me see the light, and specifically with her help, I'm certain she and her friends can handle this situation while I... cheer them on from the sidelines and write this letter asking for her aid, I guess. It's the only thing I can think of doing right now, at least.

So if you can pass this letter on to Twilight, maybe she can figure out some bookworm science-y way to get here and help us before these three divas take over this school with my old song and dance.

Thank you in advance, Princess Celestia.

Your former student,

Sunset Shimmer

P.S. The other girls have a few things to say, so I'll pass this on to them. I'm sure you won't mind.

Celestia, this message is for Twilight. Twilight, this is Rarity. When you get this, would you mind if I measured you? I have some costume ideas in mind, but I need to get all the right sizes. I promise, it'll only take about an hour. I triple-check.

Hi other Celestia! Tell Twilight I said hi! You will tell her, right? Of course you will, who am I kidding! Also, can you do something about this Celestia's restraining order on me? Please? I want to give her a surprise party in her house again!

Rainbow Dash here. So, our Celestia is a principal. Is that kind of like what you do as a princess, or does that mean you do less because you probably have maids and servants doing all your stuff for you? Cause that sounds awesome! Lazy, but awesome!

Celestia, why can't the other you here say my name properly on the intercom when she wants me at her office? I swear she does it on purpose. Please tell me you don't do this to the other me on your end and--consarn it! My name is Applejack! APPLE! Not Cracker!

Um, this is Fluttershy. Do you own any exotic pets? Would it be possible for me to see them one day? If not, do you have any advice on how to properly care for a giant capybara I found last week? It's a rodent of unusual size, if that helps.

We Will Rainbow Rock You

Dear Princess Twilight,

Firstly, my apologies for not sending you a letter regarding the message in the book. I was remarkably busy, well, shuffling books over so you could restock your new castle. It's a good thing I carry five copies of all but the most dated of records in case of one of your "missing book" mental breakdowns again. You made me learn the value of having backups veeery quickly, let me tell you.

I assume by now you have settled Sunset's problem on the other side of the portal. Mayor Mare made a particular note of absolutely nothing interesting happening in Ponyville over the past three days, which usually meant that something interesting happened elsewhere instead.

And no, that doesn't mean Canterlot had anything special to do, unless you count me being short on eggs as something unusual. Luna's been baking up a storm of treats ever since... gods, I still can't believe it.

Those crusaders really are going to watch over Luna's dragons.

I don't know how those three fillies did it, but they won her heart over, and now she's absolutely adamant about having them take on this incredible responsibility.

Did I object to this? Of course! The last time I let children run around my castle unattended was last year's Gifted Unicorn field trip. That ended with all of my bad expectations met, and more, even if the kids had a blast. The maids are still finding cookie crumbs, balloon scraps and paper wads leftover from Runny Nose's papier-mâché mockup of me blowing a raspberry. That last part's actually adorable, despite her nursing the glue bottle she used for it like a juice box on that trip. While my vain hopes rest in that she only used the glue in the bottle, I know far better than that.

But Luna wouldn't have any of it for those three little fillies, and like all royal stalemates between us, we had to settle it in the olden ways of Horn, Hoof, Feathers. Best two out of three.

I lost. May the gods have mercy on the castle when we're gone.

We both know there are far better alternatives than those three. You, Spike, Fluttershy, anyone from the Dragonwatch in the yellow book would have been safe bets for me, but what's done is done. Now she's making sweet treats for them upon their arrival, and I'm stuck buying eggs at the market--two dozen, please--and she might need some butter too.

Yes, a few pounds if you don't mind. Anyway, I should wrap this up. Luna will want help in the kitchen to make some of her child-friendly Sweet Dream Delights. I'll add a note suggesting they eat these before sleeping, because those are delectably soporific.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

No, I don't want milk. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

Membership card? What even--no, I don't have one. No, I won't sign up for it right now. Just let me buy--

Why would I want a newsletter? I don't even want the card! Can I just purchase the food, please?

Ooh, five bits off my next fruit purchase? That does sound lovely--NO, that is a distraction! Eggs and butter for now, thank you!

That Cutie Map Took My Job! Well, One of Them, but Still!

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know, when you told me that your new home started telling you where to go and who needed to be there, I thought you were kidding. Maybe you still had some relapse over the loss of the Golden Oaks Library. You know, something sensible that doesn't have your house become some unreasonable landlord having you go run its errands for it.

But after hearing of the strange town of equality and realizing that is the truth, something hit me, and I don't like it. I mean, I should, all things considered. Clearly this table is so worldly and all-knowledgeable as to see problems beyond the scope of my view, given I didn't even know of that town at all, and it wasn't marked on any of the maps we have on record.

This pisses me off. That means my mapmakers have been slacking on their yearly updates, the updates they promised would reflect the new layout of the land. Did you know I checked the most "recent" map, and it still doesn't show the ravine caused by Luna during the last Dragon Migration? How did they miss that? Simple. They just didn't do the work.

Well, I'm going to fix that. First thing tomorrow morning, they're going to stop by your castle, and take every note on that map they can. Please make sure they don't miss a spot--I know you're a stickler for accuracy in references and atlases, so you won't let me down.

Then, just to be sure that map is absolutely up to date, I'm gonna send them out to survey and confirm that the map you have is the real deal. It's going to be a long, arduous process that their lazy flanks will object to every day, every step of the way, but it's either that, or they're fired.

Is it too hard to ask that ponies that have a job to actually... do their job? This is just straightforward observation, note-taking, topography, the works! All I want is a good piece of parchment that tells me where things are within a certain degree of accuracy!

And I'm going to get it, no matter the cost. The post office still has the old maps, and gods know they need that if they ever hope to deliver a package to Discord one day. Which may or may not happen. It's hypothetical right now.

Please give them permission to enter the castle once they arrive, Twilight. This is a matter of utmost importance, and I don't want there to be any further delays.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, are you all packed and ready?

Good, I'll get my things set. You made sure Flint and Spark have enough food for the next few days, right?

Gem salads, cupcakes, and snack platters sound perfect. I'll just write another note to have the Crusaders come by, and, hopefully, everything will be fine.

Just fine.

Enjoy Your Sweet Castle, Twilight

Princess Twilight,

My apologies for being insensitive about the Golden Oak Library earlier. I'd forgotten how much that place mattered to you, and this tear-stained lashing of a response from you was... justified. Calling me a fat white cactus was a bit much, though. I realize my comment was a bit bristling, but you know that was uncalled for.

Losing a home like you did was no laughing matter. I'm sure you missed the sweet, sappy smell and abhorred the burnt char where that treehouse once stood. It was, by all means, a place you had treasured as much as your friends.

This is something I absolutely know your castle cannot possibly replicate, in any sense at all. It's too new, regal, and about as homely as a fancy hotel. It's a place to stay, but you feel like it's not YOUR place to stay.

Luna felt the same way as you, you know. During those first few weeks after she came back, she had trouble adjusting to the new look, the smell, and how distant it was from what she knew was home. But she made the best of it, and I'd done much within my power to help her acclimate. Reading, comforting, occasional pillow fights, the works!

And she came around. It wasn't instant--nothing like this is ever solved in less than a day--but it happened, and now she's happy, smiling, and putting a smile on my face in return.

I know there isn't much I can do. I mean, I'd sent you some books before from the main library and from my collection, but those were just basic building blocks to get your new library up and running. You could have had those ordered and delivered in a week--that hardly does anything to give you any sort of comfort, from my standpoint.

I hope you didn't mind, then, that I visited your tower here in Canterlot, and plucked a few books from the shelves here. Some of the ones you'd opened often, like your first copy of Daring Do, Encyclopedia Titanica, How to Tame Your Dragon--this one's a bit burnt. The pages in these are worn well from your use, Twilight.

And right now, I think you could use them.

Should you have read this far in, you should have received a few of these very old, nay, timeless treasures of your childhood. Just know that if your castle feels too uncomfortable, you have a place here to stay, if need be.

I'm sure your friends might have done something for you--assuming they pay any attention to your instability--and have made some sort of contribution to your castle to make it feel less foreign, for what it's worth. They mean well as much as I, and know that we're here for you, if you need to talk, cry, or hug. Just don't do the death grip if it's the last one, okay?

Again, I apologize for my rudeness earlier, and stay safe, dear princess. You need not face this dark time alone, for you have friends to help you with that burden, near and far.

I love you, Twilight. Remember that.

Deepest sympathies,

Princess Celestia

Luna, could you come in for a minute?

Oh, I just feel like hugging you right now. You know, I'm just so happy you're here.

Me? I'm fine... I'm just fine.

Author's Notes:

Fanmail is open, folks.

Just don't expect any answers today. Tia's a bit... occupied with thoughts and things at the moment.

Dream Not of Doom, Apple Bloom

Dearest Cutie Mark Crusaders,

A cutie mark is a big thing--it’s a sign of finding your special talent, and generally speaking, it affirms your best talent no matter how you slice it. It doesn’t change who you are, as all of you learned tonight, but there is something critical that I believe you three should understand, if not in these words, then in life.

It is important to know that nothing in this world will change who you are. There will be those that try to force beliefs or actions upon you, or otherwise change you into their ideal image. Still more may ask for change from you in a nicer manner, be they bosses or coworkers, perhaps even your family and friends.

But the only person that can truly change yourself and your personality... is you. You are in control of your image, and there will be times, especially in working environments, where your image may be different than how the rest of the world normally sees you. Rare are the ponies that don't have to make such a change, and those are usually the ones that are happy with the job they work in, and their personality causes minimal conflict as well.

I do not know what the future has in store for you, but if this sort of change does not come to you, that is all the better for your life and well-being. However, if you are not as fortunate, you'll need to make a choice on how to make the right changes to keep things amicable. Things like holding a disingenuous smile, or appearing bubbly and cheerful when you're not, even when you secretly despise ponies like the maids snooping around your room looking for reserve stashes of your moon dust. I only gave them ONE cookie, and now they're all chomping at the bit wanting more, more! It's lunacy!

Ahem. Just be prepared, my dear Crusaders, for such compromises that may come in your future. The best friends are those who accept who you are as you normally are, but if that cannot be the case, be prepared to learn a new word you'll be using often:

Acquaintance.

Also, while you're here, I'll lay down a few ground rules for taking care of Flint and Spark while Celestia and I are away for the next few days.

First, we should have fireproofed just about everything in the castle, but if they still manage to light something on fire, particularly in the kitchen or out in the gardens, call for help from one of the unicorn servants. Tia spent a good deal of time teaching them a fire-extinguishing spell, so try to rely on them if possible.

If, however, said ponies are actually on fire, use the nearest garden hose or water buckets we've had placed at most of the inside corners of the castle. You can't miss them, especially if you trip over them like Tia did last night. She's a bit miffed at me, but otherwise perfectly fine.

Second, make sure they're fed at least three times a day--two scoops, no more, no less. They also get antsy if they miss a feeding, so this should actually have been the first and most important thing, but I digress. However, do not overfeed them, or else they'll belch up molten crystal slag that will absolutely burn a hole in the floor, despite fireproofing.

Third, make sure they do not touch either of the pillows we've set up in court to fool the nobles. The last thing I want is for the nobles to believe they have free reign over the castle while dragons are roaming about inside. Flint and Spark really enjoy toasting noble manes.

Oh, Tia wants to add if that does happen, extinguish them at your discretion. Otherwise, redirect them to the fountains in the garden.

I think that's everything really important I needed to mention, but I may send some notes your way in case I forget something. Good luck, dear Crusaders.

You will need all that you can get.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

Tanks for Nothing, Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I thought this week couldn't get worse. I mean, I put up with the fact that Luna and I had lost our substitute pillows to her pets' dragonfire. Shortly after that discovery, half of the nobles in court that day are sitting in the burn ward after unceremoniously deciding to stage the single worst castle raid in the history of castle raiding. With dragons roaming about the halls. The outcome was pretty much mandatory.

Other than the pillows, the castle was perfectly fine. No burn marks anywhere except for a few spots in the garden! Our fireproofing did the trick, so outside of paying for a few noble medical bills with their own tax money, issuing a VERY stern warning to not go snooping around my castle ever again without my express permission, and going around the castle replacing what must have been over a hundred potted plants and vases, the castle still stood tall. Nothing as permanently damaging as a destroyed tower or anything.

I believed that would be the end of the damages this week... until Cloudsdale piped up with a special report on you, Rainbow Dash. Specifically, somepony saw you in their factory wrecking their machinery, and eventually causing a meltdown that had not only brought winter to Ponyville too quickly for reasonable preparations, but singlehoofedly crippled the ONE town capable of generating winter for other towns not in the proper climate regions!

Winter is now delayed for every other town they haven't visited for a few months, at minimum. That is the extent of the damage you've caused, Rainbow Dash. And, simply put, there aren't nearly enough funds in the Harmony Fund to cover even a fifth of the costs at present time--it barely covers a fifth of the cost of rebuilding a new factory from scratch.

This has left me with little options--putting you through the court systems on crimes of extreme weather tampering and destruction of city property, is one method that would most certainly see you visit my cells in record time. While the city of Cloudsdale would see their justice done, you and I both know that doesn't suit either of us. I don't want to see you in court, and you don't want to sit there in a fancy suit with your wings tucked in like a restrained pigeon.

However, I have a far better option, one that will directly fix the damage you caused, in addition to providing a safety net in case something like this ever happens again. Simply put, Rainbow Dash, you will assist in the relief efforts for damage the factory explosion on Cloudsdale (lucky for you that Ponyville only got snow, and not hail, or you'd be helping there too). In addition, I've crammed a proposal down the Cloudsdale Council's throats in the creation of a second Rainbow Factory, separate from the town itself. Once they realize exactly how necessary that is--and how dumb I told them it was for them to just keep one and pray it doesn't fail--they'll approve it, and you will further repent for your misdeeds by aiding in the construction of this new factory.

This will, quite obviously, take place over a period of time far longer than the winter season, and you'll be spending a great deal of time away from Ponyville whilst on the job. However, I think this a far better solution than seeing you cry yourself into a puddle in my dungeon. Plus, you'll get to be with your pet turtle on weekends! You know, as opposed to meeting them through reinforced mythril bars once a month for visiting hours.

I think the choice is obvious here, but it's yours to make in the end.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. What's wrong?

...what do you mean the sugar is all gone? You're telling me you DIDN'T fireproof that?!

Well, you thought wrong! Come on, let's get going to the store before it closes! I need a cake tonight, and I'll be sent to Tartarus before letting a sugar shortage curb my craving! You keep watch over your sugar-melters while I fly away from this balcon-YYYYYYYYYY!

...yes, I'm fine. These bushes are quite cozy. Also, whoever put that carpet over the hole in my balcony is going to get a VERY important lesson on why covering up problems just makes them worse when they're discovered!

Most Wanted: Loose Apples, Raw and Unbarreled

Dear Sheriff Silverstar,

I thank you for this report regarding the vandal that's been ruining rodeos in towns across Equestria. It took many years to catch that pesky Trouble Shoes, and he's been on my watch list ever since his hoofwork ruined the rodeo here in Canterlot. Never have my nobles been so flustered in all their years of living here--who would have thought the chicken coop breaking open would turn them all into chickens too?

Except... well, he's not much of a vandal these days, is he? Now he's part of those rodeos he's dreamed of being in! He even learned how to use his talent appropriately thanks to Applestack's little sister and the other two crusaders, if I'm reading this report correctly. How very constructive of them... all things considered.

I digress. Now that Trouble Shoes has been reformed as a rodeo clown, and a VERY good one, would it be too much to ask he make an appearance at the next Canterlot rodeo coming up soon? It's not that I think he'd miss it for the world anyway, but this is just a formality. If he's going to wreck the rodeo again, I just want some advance notice so I can follow the action of nobles fleeing for their lives.

...actually, if he's free next week, I wouldn't mind having him as a bit of entertainment for some nobles I'm giving a bit of my personal time. They had the gumption to think that I have no understanding of class, and that I cannot be entertained through reasonable means without getting blitzed like a reindeer.

If Trouble Shoes says yes, I can safely assure them that I know all about having a good time without getting all peach-faced on peach schnapps. And I have a good feeling he'll say yes once those rodeo damage bills pile up on him shortly, so this is really an offer he can't afford to refuse. For discretionary purposes, I will further discuss what that means with him in person. Don't want any corrupt moochers on this deal. You understand.

If not, I'll figure something else out with Luna. She knows her way around entertainment these days, so I have nothing to worry about. Probably. If they get under Luna's skin like they did mine...

Er, do pass along this royal invitation with haste, Silverstar. Who knows, with how diligent you've been this past year, you might even get a gold star for your efforts. Think about it--a two-star sheriff! It's not three-star, but you're not saving the world from some fancily-dressed desperado here. I have to be fair.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

...Luna, please tell me that rainbow afro isn't serious. I know you took a look at professional clowning for the schoolchildren, but this is ridiculous.

What? Me, entertaining through clowning? Luna, they already have a good jester in you! What could I possibly add?

Oy... alright. I'll follow your lead. Just be careful with painting my face. I don't want to give the children a colorful vocabulary lesson later.

Yes, I'm fine with glitter too. Only a little bit though--don't go crazy and dump the whole bottle on me.

Discord Makes Friends, Keeps Enemies Closer

Dear Discord,

I was very pleased to see that you'd received the invitation. Finally, my mapmakers had gone to where nopony has gone before, and it seems their rudimentary sketch of the Void Plains had served the postal workers well.

Well, 'rudimentary' is a bit of an understatement. The landmasses keep shifting around so often that they remarked their sketch was just about useless other than to identify the entrance and exit. Their field report also mentioned some anomalous activity there, things like the Black Hole of Endless White, the Upside-Down Rightside-Up Flip-Flop Box, and a flying cow. I've heard of pigs flying, but cows? Now that's ridiculous.

Anyway, I was slightly disappointed with your actions regarding Tree Hugger. I know she can be a bit grating with her attitude and general demeanor--believe me, I've been there with her many, MANY times regarding her obsession with tree conservation. She got very fired up over how an entire forest had burned away to nothing but one tree some time ago. I told her it was nothing--they would come back in due time. I've ensured that will happen, but no, she wants justice for the trees.

"They have been wronged, and deserve proper respect! Are you going to just sit there on your gilded throne and let this travesty go unpunished?!"

You would have never heard a deeper sigh in your lifetime, followed by the second-longest explanation I had to give regarding exactly who is paying for those trees. Namely, me, Granny, and Mayor Mare. The only reason she hadn't heard of it was probably because she was sleeping through the last meeting when I had explained the fire incident. I knew there was no way they wouldn't ask about it, so like a Band-Aid, I owned up to it and got it settled quickly--I paid for the environmental damage, and all of us replanted the trees. There's little left to do but wait now.

As grating as she was, she backpedaled and admitted her "chakras were out of sync"... whatever that meant. Resolved misunderstandings make for odd friendships. Actually, I wouldn't call us friends yet, but I think we're getting there. One day, it'll work out.

That, of course, does not mean you should go off and banish somepony you don't like to another dimension all willy-nilly. Let's face it--you could have done that pretty much anytime before this with me, with Twilight, all of us, but you didn't. I appreciate that leniency, but please don't make that kind of threat again. That's a punishment nopony deserves... not even self-inflicted.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

...wait, where's Luna? She normally comes by around now, and the Gala's done and over with...

Aha! There you are! Why are you stuck in the garden with all this smooze?

What? I can't hear you. You have some over your mouth.

I said you have some over your mouth! Gods, is it in your ears, too? Just how did all this smooze get over your head? Did it think your crown was--wait, what am I saying? Of course it did.

Okay, okay... uh, you just stay right there. I'll see if Tree Hugger is still around. She probably got lost looking for the bathroom before leaving. Jenkins will be pissed if she got locked in a closet again.

Griffons Treasure Their Precious Stones

Dear Diary,

A postal griffon came by today, and tried to make me pay postage for a parcel in his possession. Namely, a box of fresh griffon scones I had ordered over a century ago. Never mind the fact that the delivery was ridiculously delayed, and the fact I had already prepaid that postage after fishing around for that receipt in my desk. Oh no, he still wanted that delivery fee.

Further, upon my query as to how Griffonstone was doing, he had the gall to suggest his words on the town were worth their weight in gold. Literally--one bit per word! Ponies are not made of money! I'm not--I barely qualify as angel food cake! And he expected full-price for something normally given out for free? Is this what Griffonstone turned into--a lawless land where one can legitimately charge a wing and a leg for rendered service?!

One stern negotiation later (coupled with an argument on the semantics of repetition, wasting words and clever wordplay), he agreed to at least make his words worth that weight, and to waste no time. Still rang me up to three hundred or so with his article usage. Clever bird.

In hindsight, this was but a paltry price to pay. I don't lie when I say I was elated when King Grover had stopped sending me ridiculous fees for border maintenance--HIS side of the border, not mine--and having the gall to charge me ten thousand bits to even have my reply land on his gilded desk. Seriously, when one has the audacity to have me pay to have my own words heard by them, I weep for their country. Then they'd probably scoop that up and sell delicious princess tears by the ounce.

It never occurred to me that the "good" king had been ousted from his throne, what with every griffon being sick of his silly taxes--you know, because money is always their problem. I suppose it was obvious, and probably a fitting end for such a wealth-obsessed griffon as him, although I did admire his good taste in jewelry.

However, fortune finally found favor for the other griffons freed from his rule, as Pinkie and Rainbow Dash had apparently set the griffons on the path of friendship instead of miserly behavior and greedy ambition. Or at least one where they stop charging each other for frivolous tasks. I seriously have my doubts, given that birdbrain bamboozler, but until I hear of a new king or queen on the throne, there is little more to judge at present time.

All there is left to do is wait and see how it develops now. Until then, I have fresh scones to eat.

Ah, these look... actually, these scones look like somepony threw them in mud, then blended in a cement mixer. But the smell is right, so they have to be good!

Ow! No! Not baked goods! Evil baked goods!

Luna, do NOT eat those terrible things! They are a baking sin on ponykind! I mean it!

What?! I warned you, but you didn't listen! Now we need two ice packs!

Pinkie better have fixed this travesty, or else she let this monstrosity continue to thrive and demolish griffonkind, one jaw at a time!

One Slice of Life to Go, Please! I'm Late for a Very Important Date!

Secret Agent Sweetie Drops,

Warden Airhorn issued a BAM breakout report. The Bugbear is loose. I repeat: Honey Boo Berry is free.

I should have seen this coming sooner. The warden noted Honey Boo scratched the letters "SD" all over the cell floor, walls, roof, bedding, and even the inside of his toilet. I think you know what that means, even if they don't. They had to remove a hundred-plus sacks of dates--dates they delivered in the first place.

Haaauuuuuungh... even a new warden on top of her game isn't enough to correct the incompetence of guards eager to misinterpret wall scribbles. On the plus side, Honey Boo gained a great deal of weight from them, so he should be slower. Or a massive flying wrecking ball. I just hope it's not the latter, otherwise we have a big problem.

Anyway, it doesn't know where you live as of yet, so you should be safe. Even so, once I get an update on the bugbear's location, you'll be the first to know. You put him away once--I have faith you can do it again.

I've also spread this alert to the other towns, including the Crystal Empire and Ponyville. Don't want anypony caught off-guard, but if the Bugbear does attack Ponyville, do NOT compromise yourself. Let the ex-Element Bearers handle it, as they're more than capable of doing so.

And remember--the less that know who you really are, the better. You aren't my third-best STABLE operative for nothing.

And please, please don't address me by my codename. This whole organization isn't supposed to exist on paper, or be acknowledged by anyone. Just imagine if the nobles found out I had a spy network--they might start getting paranoid, and the last thing I need is more paranoid rich ponies doing dumb things with their money like hiring their own secret operatives. In fact, it's also the last thing STABLE needs.

~Big C

Luna, why are you so panicked? Is something happening today?

...OH! THE WEDDING! Gods, I completely forgot! Ah, court starts in an hour, and they figured out my pillow trick now! What do I do this time?!

Yes, another me does sound fantastic, but where am I going to--wait. I do have something in mind.

Well, do you think we can make it to the mirror pool and back in an hour? No, let me rephrase: I need to do it in an hour, and you're going to help.

You remember our tennis games? Something like that.

Spike, You are Not Ready to be a Princess. Not Yet.

Dearest Spike,

You just couldn't stay out of trouble today, could you? Not that it's entirely your fault--there is another pony to pin some blame on here. However, you had still undertaken some actions far beyond your scope and capability, so let's tackle this one at a time.

First off, I understood that Twilight did need some rest and relaxation, but what you did to ensure that peace and quiet was more than a little extreme. I know this because that mare can sleep through just about anything when she's that sleep-deprived. So long as you kept the windows closed and the door locked, hardly anything would wake her up short of a bucket of ice water.

That's a bit dangerous, come to think of it. Once, when she was still here, she'd stayed up late doing some rigorous studying, then fell into one of her deep sleeps. A kitchen fire broke out about three hours later, but despite all the clamor of the guards, she had only barely roused herself to the smell of smoke and my voice calling her name in a panic.

In other words, nothing short of a loud disaster scenario could bring her back from slumberland. I think after today's events--or rather, you should have known this from the many, many times she had exhibited such exhaustion before now--this is sufficiently hammered into your head that when she sleeps, it's almost the sort of sleep one needs true love's kiss to break. Almost.

As for your other actions regarding her schedule and settling debates in her name, no, you were not, in any way, prepared to handle that. There's a reason she is the Princess of Friendship, and she knows how to word things in such a way that normally won't anger many ponies all at once. This isn't to say she's always got good ideas, but that doesn't mean you should substitute your own. As well as you may mean, putting good words in another pony's mouth is still as bad as placing the blame on another should it fail.

Beyond this, your greed in taking over a few of her relaxation appointments is showing you're relapsing once more, and although I'm certain we've talked about this before, I'll say it again: exercise restraint. Exercise restraint. Exercise. Restraint.

This ordeal isn't your whole fault, however. I'd spoken with Cadance earlier on her incredible control over the Crystal Empire and how not once she had any real incidents to speak of since the Equestria games. I had thought her management skills were on par with Twilight then, but after she'd put the big sleep on the summit planner, I had hoped she would at least pick up on some of the slack for Twilight as she was resting.

Except she didn't. At all. I couldn't believe it when she told me she had nothing to do because Twilight had taken it upon herself to handle almost everything, and then she just put the over exhausted mare to sleep and expected everything to run okay without her for a while. At a unity summit where an argument sprouts every fifteen seconds, and somepony needs to talk to the Friendship Princess about it.

At least Luna and I were doing our part to try and stem the tide for some of the delegates, alongside watching over the feast preparations; I'll be damned if that's not up to proper standards. Even so, there's only so much we can juggle all at once, and I made quite sure after today that Cadance needs to contribute a little more than plugging up a water main and presenting a gem statue so fragile a sneeze breaks it down immediately. Was it so hard to find a glue bottle? Really?

Anyway, Spike, you learned about how easy it is for power to corrupt, and Cadance learned not to be sleeping on her job when she puts another to sleep. I'm still happy everything managed to work out in the end, but this should have gone so much smoother with FOUR princesses and an assistant here.

Oh well. There's always next year.

Love,

Princess Celestia

HEY! Other me! Yes you, the one on the chandelier!

Don't look at me with those innocent eyes. You've been swaying the sun back and forth on a pendulum for the past ten minutes, and it's bugging me! So cut it out!

Oh no, there go the tears. Look, I promised I'd keep you here if you didn't cause trouble, and to your credit, this is the worst thing you've done in the past week. Still, you need to scale it down a few pegs. You're a princess, not a party mare.

Bonus: Summit in the Valley

Mayor Mare,

When I received your invitation to Ponyville's Local Summit just one day after the Summit here in Canterlot had ended, I wasn't sure what to...get from it. I mean, we just finished up a big unity celebration for towns all across Equestria and how it was all about them doing their part. I thought that was enough, personally, but I guess Ponyville wanted to spread that sort of unity within the town as well. Which made this invitation odd, because I'm from Canterlot. Canterlot.

Mayor, you know I'm a good friend, and good friends point out oversights like this every now and then. But beyond that, turning down this invitation really seemed like a terrible option, especially when I had the time and... ahem, 'resources' to be able to commit to that decision. More importantly, I came to see just what you were on when you thought of this.

And let me tell you, I was truly impressed. I didn't even know how you copied the idea of the unity statue--you weren't even there, so either somepony told you and you threw this together quickly, or this was a curious coincidence in your planning--but that mockup of yours with something from every pony in Ponyville was... something to behold in shock and awe. Mostly shock.

I still can't believe all the contributions I saw. No way could I have foreseen a sofa as the base, with a Marequin perched on top and allowing everypony to plant something on it that represents them. A small choker bowtie. A hat so frilly a filly could wear it as a school prom dress. A tail I think is actually an unwound game controller doohickey, or whatever the little foals play these days. Various cutie mark sketches all over the flank from schoolchildren that clearly had an argument over which one was best cutie mark. A garter that I recognize from a little while ago. Granny's teeth--that one's QUITE unmistakable.

And the proceedings were surprisingly handled well enough. Party favors made their rounds, the music was cranked as everyone got their groove on, and the catering was handled by none other than the Cakes and Apples themselves.

Speaking of which, everypony that attended this was lucky to walk away without gaining ten pounds from their sweet cuisine. As for me, you know I gained ten times that, and I honestly felt bad for my golden boys on the way home last night. Not that they complained--they've seen me through my worst, and this was far, FAR away from that incident in terms of both scale and destructive potential.

Overall, I'd say your unity party was a crazy, if slightly ill-timed success. If I were to make a suggestion, space it out at least a week or so from the nationwide one, preferably after--I have to get the castle cleaned and ready after my own big bash, you know.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

What? No, I haven't seen the other me, Luna. Wasn't the other you supposed to be watching her?

You lost BOTH of them?! Gods, can we not keep track of ourselves?!

That was rhetorical! Come on, we need to find them before they discover Hayburgers, or else we'll have to lug back our very personal wrecking balls!

Super Duper Party Pooper Scooper

Author's Notes:

Advance notice on this letter, dear readers: This is NOT the only letter I'm writing for this episode. The Yaks will also receive a letter regarding their actions--I am NOT solely reaming Twilight for everything that went wrong, as the Yaks have done more than enough damage to merit a FAR worse rant than what you see here.

Princess Twilight,

We need to talk about things. I didn't bring this up at the party because it wasn't the right time to ask, not while Prince Rutherford was having a good time.

But what in the world made you think you could successfully duplicate all of the customs of a country that had closed its borders for hundreds of moons WITHOUT having anything come from the home country? Worse, what even led you to believe that was a good idea in the first place? Because your friends tried doing something similar for you, and you thought you could try it on them, despite the lack of proper resources?

Twilight, one cannot simply tweak a friendship lesson to work for foreigners. It doesn't work that way, and accommodating to their customs is NOT how to welcome them to our home by making it feel like their home. If they wanted things to feel like their home, they wouldn't have come here. Their borders would still be closed. The fact that you insulted their culture by constantly disappointing them with replications nearly leading to an act of WAR speaks volumes of how close this came to complete disaster. And that doesn't even include the extensive damage report Mayor Mare filed with me regarding how many things were destroyed because of those Yaks.

You are extremely fortunate Pinkie had thrown together a party truly showing what Equestria is and how it feels like to be there, with fun, games, and only some occasional destruction. It's saved me a lot of trouble, and for once, I am in Pinkie's debt that this didn't escalate further than it did. She will absolutely collect on that one day, and I won't be prepared for it. I have a bad feeling about that.

Anyway, please remember: the visitors respect the home culture, not the other way around. Your research wasn't fruitless--just heavily misplaced because you actually weren't going there yourself. I'm sure it'll be of great help to you when and if you visit their settlement, so take solace in that preparation potentially still having use.

But should war actually be a real thing against the Yaks one day--given their general attitude, I still believe it could be on the table--I think I have the perfect solution. Just load up some catapults with mud and fire it at them, and watch as they destroy themselves over their appearance not looking "perfect" anymore. That seems to be their trigger.

One last thing. Prince Rutherford also acted rather brutish despite your earnest attempts at giving him his culture, so he'll be getting a response from me as well. It won't cause war--I'll make sure it doesn't.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Luna. Finally put your clone in the timeout pen for drawing constellation doodles all over your bathroom?

Oh, mine's taking a trip to the Crystal Empire. She wanted to see the sights and such, so I let her go. She'll also be asking Cadance a small question as to why she passed the buck on the responsibility of properly greeting the Yaks into Equestria.

Well, I can't have Twilight do everything for foreign relations just because she's the Princess of Friendship! We're picking up on our slack, and Cadance herself told us she was looking for more to do, so why didn't she do it? That's what the other me will find out soon.

How to Play: Yak-Attack

Prince Rusty Fur,

Firstly, my apologies that I did not enunciate your name perfectly, but at least it nailed your fur color. Secondly, while I've already told my student about the errors she had committed during your stay, she is not the only one at fault here.

When you came to Equestria to see our great lands, I'm sure you fully expected to see the wonders we had to offer, which includes our cuisine, landmarks, fashion, the works. It would have been a grand tour, and given your train ride from the Crystal Empire to Ponyville, you know this to be true just from the sights you've already seen.

So when Twilight presented to you some of your country's cuisine in her castle, you had knowledge of the fact that the borders were closed for hundreds of moons, including a full embargo on all trade goods between Yakyakistan and 'Equestia'--that's a lovely typo in this embargo document, by the way--along with every other country you could correctly name. Nothing short of some illegal smuggling would allow us to have anything from your country present in our lands, and obviously anything left over from the last set of trades months ago had long been expired--except for textiles, but those wound up being used quickly this year after a certain incident involving two of our towns. That's none of your business, however.

But do you see where I'm going with this? This means that you knew that anything 'from' Yakyakistan was a bold-faced lie offered to you on the silveriest of silver platters, and that they were instead done in the style of Yakyakistan. A forgivable mistake at least, but hardly a damning error worthy of destructive fury, especially of one that knew they were fake.

It's either that, or you were stupid enough to believe we had received anything from Yakyakistan prior to your visit in the middle of an embargo. Although, if we did, it certainly wasn't in anything Twilight presented to you.

Regardless, the fact that you should have known they were likely fake meant that your reactions to these "affronts" to your country were blown so out of proportion that I almost forgot what caused them in the first place. The Mayor whipped up an extra-long damage report, courtesy of you and your escorts, that details your razing path through town. It even has "psychological scarring of little critters" as something worth billing, and after seeing the remains of some of your actions in person, I have no doubt that is valid.

And, well, this is a fair warning, but King Worcestershire will know about your imperfect actions today. He will know because I've instructed the mailmare to give this letter to you exactly two minutes after your father gets his, so that when you finish, you'll look into his grizzled eyes and wish you hadn't done what you did while he wasn't there.

As for the bill, I also told your father I would handle it, so long as he handles you. I'm more than certain he'll take up that offer since I enclosed an invoice listing off a bigger damage rackup than most college ponies can accrue in a week of hard partying.

I hope your bedroom door is perfectly built to withstand Yaks, Prince Rutherford. I do look forward to your father's reply once the deed is done.

Best wishes,

Princess Celestia

Luna, why the wide-eyed stare? Is that a letter from Cadance?

What do you mean, "I'm eating their house?" I told her that none of the buildings there are made out of rock candy!

Yes, I get why the Yaks thought it was edible too, but that problem is not a priority now! I need to--wait, I can't go. That's too confusing. You need to go and get her.

Wha--NO, sending a clone is what started this mess! YOU need to go out there, and I can watch over yours while you're gone.

Oh, trust me, I'm totally prepared. I've taken the precaution of studying a distraction spell just in case. Makes a red dot that's irresistible to catch.

NO, I won't use it on you. Maybe. Now that there's two of you, I have a 50/50 shot of getting it right, so... no hard feelings if I use it on you?

Amending a Key Problem, Fencing In Another

Princess Twilight,

It recently occurred that I'd been so busy with things here in Canterlot with managing nobles, my sister, and keeping ourselves in check that I hadn't kept any good maintenance on your old tower since the Tirekt incident. Not the one you slept in at the Summit--that tower is super clean, especially after I had the maids make sure not an ounce of dragon fear musk was left. You probably didn't smell it because you're used to it, but trust me, it was there.

Anyway, I tried visiting the old tower this week, but I hit a snag. The spare key I had to your tower was gone.

It wasn't stolen, at least not in the sense of somepony else stealing it. A close associate of mine found the key and decided to try it out on EVERY door to see which one it opened. "If there's a key, there's a lock!" she declared with a sparkle in her eye and a gleeful smile reminiscent of a filly going on a scavenger hunt. I couldn't stay too mad at her for that--I didn't tell her what it went to yet.

However, she did lose the key somewhere in the Canterlot commons, so I can't enter your tower anymore. At least not without breaking a window, but that'll just invite trouble. Anyway, in case you're worried about security, you might want to have the lock changed on the door. Just let me know, and I'll get a locksmith out there to get it changed ASAP.

Oh, and if you want somepony else to have a set of spare keys, I'll need a number on the spare keys to make and distribute properly. I don't want my faux-pas to be the reason some of your books mysteriously vanish while you're away, along with anything else valuable you may keep in there.

I look forward to a prompt reply on this matter, especially considering you still have a few special books here and there I'm certain are worth keeping.

Sincerely and apologetically,

Princess Celestia

Ah, there you are! Did you find the key yet?

I figured as much. Well, don't worry. I'll have it covered later, but you really must control yoursel--

That's a box of apology donuts, isn't it? Ponyfeathers, you really do know me too well.

I know how obvious that is! Just pass me a donut already!

Princesses Don't Dream of Sheep. That's Offensive.

Princess Twilight and Friends--nay, All of Ponyville,

I express my deepest gratitudes for your help in resolving a matter that has plagued me ever since I had recovered from the Nightmare Moon incident. Granted, this plague was one of my own creation specifically made so that I would never forget my past sins, but I never expected any of this to happen the way it did.

And yet, if it did not go this way, I am certain my cycle of self-punishment would have continued for years upon years to come. So lost was I in my damning transgressions against my sister and all of Equestria that I could not trust myself to freely move on without consequence, for fear of forgetting and eventually repeating ill actions in time. Little did I know that this simply hurt me more and more, until my fears had overflowed and threatened to take Equestria as its own being.

However, history shall not repeat itself any further. I cannot forget my past, my little ponies, but that is no excuse to continue reliving it. I am not who I was before--I am who I am, today.

Twilight Sparkle, thank you for believing in the me who trusted you to believe in myself. If that is confusing, don't think about it too hard. No, I mean it. I understand it, and that's what matters here.

As for everypony else, I thank you heartily for your efforts in containing my nightmare while I was having a mental breakdown. Were it not for your actions, the truth of Tantibus's power would never have come to light, and the world may have been cast in a deep darkness that we would never truly awaken from. You may all rest assured in knowing that the Tantibus will never haunt your dreams again, or mine.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have given my fear a physical form in my dream. In a world of dreams, we can do anything, and this is even more true for me, and apparently for my constructs. Now that I'm aware of this, I may utilize it in a different way. Don't worry--nopony will be harmed.

Sleep well, my ponies. And thank you once more for your aid in my plight.

Sincerest gratitudes,

Princess Luna

Hm? Oh heavens no, I couldn't ask you for your help. In fact, I absolutely did NOT want you to help me with this.

While you were made in my image, you do not bear the distant memories of my past sins. If you had helped, and if my Tantibus had decided to harm you... there's no telling how much damage it would have caused.

The last thing I want is for anything bad to happen to you. Or anypony. But it's over now, and--

Tia sent me a letter? I thought she said--nevermind. This is important. Do you mind taking over a bit of my court duties while I read this?

Thank you.

Bonus: Addressing Past and Present Sins, to Prepare for the Future

My Dear Sister,

When you told me you were fine the night you returned to me, I had believed it was true. I did. After everything you had gone through, hearing that you wished to put everything behind you... it put me at ease.

Then Mayor Mare had told me of what happened last night. Of how this massive spectral beast born of your fear, and fed off of your guilt, had nearly overwhelmed you. Thankfully, nothing serious had happened, but let me be honest in saying that I am disturbed by what happened, Luna.

I know why you didn't talk to me about this. You didn't want me to get involved with something you thought you bore all the blame for. This was solely your problem, so only you could take care of it. And had I heard of it, you knew I wouldn't approve of it either. You had a lot of this thought out fairly well, I must admit. But you forgot one thing.

I am your sister. It is ALWAYS okay to talk to me about any problems you might have. I don't care if the problem is with me, the maids, the nobles, or the pink paint splotch in your bathroom that is growing bigger every day--if you tell me about it, I promise I will listen and respond accordingly. And if it's a problem you have with yourself, I will absolutely find time to sit down and speak with you about it. If I can't find time, I'll make it.

But before I can do that, we need to talk about this in person. I can't simply write a letter and tell you everything I need to say here; there are some words you need to hear directly from me, and I need to hear some words directly from you.

I'll be in my chambers tonight. You are not the only one to still bear sins from that tragic night so long ago, and if we are truly able to move on from this, then we must be candid with each other on this matter. No more hiding, no more secrets. We get it all out in the open, and settle this now before it resurfaces.

That, and we're going to hug this out. I'll squeeze hard, no lie, so you better squeeze harder. And we're going to wring each other's tears out until no more can be shed. It'll hurt, but it'll be a good hurt, and when all's said and done...

...everything will be alright.

I'll see you soon, Luna.

Love,

Celestia

Tia Two, get down from there! I need you to do something for me. Yes, it’s very important.

Find Luna Two and bring her here. We’re going to have a good, long talk about a few things neither of you know of. And after what happened last night, it’s time for that to change.

Well, I hadn’t thought of Alicorn Twister, but sure. I don’t think it could hurt to have some fun afterward.

New Canterlot Boutique Chic! Dress to Impress and Find Success!

Dear Rarity,

Sassy Saddles? Really? That's who you chose to run your Boutique in Canterlot? Are you sure that's a good idea?

You've likely seen her résumé, I'm sure. I've even seen it, in a sense--she's worked at over twenty different high-profile boutiques all over Canterlot. All of which proudly displayed her name, what with her being the biggest promoter and manager they've ever had trot into their business, only for them to close for good barely a year in with her working with them. If they're lucky, they go for two years. A flash in the pan comes to mind.

But I suppose you knew all of this, right? I mean, you did interview her about her previous job experience, correct? It would be highly irresponsible of you to hire her just from looking at her résumé. And since I know you're a stickler for detail in your line of work, you would have asked her all about where she worked, what she did for them, why she left... you know, some of the essentials that her résumé didn't fully cover.

Well, she must have passed your expectations with flying colors. And like any good franchise owner, you probably told her all about what you wanted your Canterlot Boutique to be the instant she was hired. I know it's not like you to just wing it like Rainbow Dash, so you covered all the bases with Sassy on or before the grand opening day, just to keep everything on the straight and narrow.

Although... the day after your grand opening, the first thing I saw going through town was everypony wearing the same dress like they all came straight out of a third-world sweatshop. I know for a fact that's Sassy's hoofwork, since your usual work is all about making unique, flawless dresses and outfits, quality over quantity, the little things that highlight individuality instead of conformity, etc. I'd feared the worst for you, in that she had folded you into her designs for where your Boutique would go, instead of what you wanted it to be. Perhaps it was a grand miscommunication of some sort where she didn't listen to you at all--that happens all the time with the nobles, let me tell you.

But you finally said something to her, didn't you? Something that got through her thick skull regarding the fact that it was your business, your standards and your style, or "Time, Love, and Couture," as she told me when I stopped by a few days after you left. For once, she seemed more focused on your desires for the Canterlot Boutique's future, something I never expected to see change in her. It was quite enlightening.

Even so, I would keep a close eye on her. Just because you broke through once doesn't mean she won't revert to her old ways later. This is your franchise, Rarity, so you better make sure she keeps your standards close to heart while running it in your stead. Or else it won't be your business anymore; it will be hers. And we know what happened to those.

I wish you good luck with this business venture, Rarity. Remember to keep a tight leash on standby--trust me, you'll need it.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Evening, Luna. That's... Uh, that's my sunlight dress you're wearing. And what's with that playful smirk on your face?

Do I want to look like you? What gave you that idea--oh nononono no! You keep that starry dress of yours away from me!

Well, yes, I agree that wearing my dress is redundant, but that doesn't mean--MMPHPFF! Hey! I said I didn't want to wear--FFPHMMF!

Alright, fine! We can roleplay as each other for tonight, but ONLY tonight, okay? I don't want the guards to get even more confused than they already are with our clones. Or confusing our clones. Especially both.

Investigating for Dummies, Rare Edition

Captain Spitfire,

The Wonderbolts are a group known for being wise and tactful in their snap decisions for taking down some of the most unstable weather patterns in Equestrian history. It's a job that requires thinking in the heat of the moment, minds unmuddled by supposition and no reliance on blind judgment. Such is the legacy of the name Wonderbolt: to quickly pull off miracles in ways no others could do in a short amount of time.

So when I heard about the incident involving your disappearance, I expected it to be a brisk investigation, with no stone left unturned, no drawer unopened, and no curtains unchecked.

What I did not expect was a left-field accusation from Wind Rider against Rainbow Dash to go unopposed by any of the other Wonderbolts, then insisting she prove herself innocent of a crime she supposedly committed. Since when have we taken an inquisitorial approach for a military official's questionable disappearance?

Furthermore, if all of them suspected Rainbow Dash of the crime, why did they give her free access to the crime scene without an approved escort? And no, Rarity doesn't count, as she was a friend investigating on behalf of Rainbow Dash. Didn't they have any speck of common sense in thinking that Rainbow and Rarity might resort to means of lower integrity to prove her innocence? Not that I believe that would ever happen, but for a group that's prepared to tackle nearly every possibility, this is an amazing oversight left unacknowledged.

But maybe they were too focused on what they were going to do for the show later on, or perhaps far too occupied looking around the castle for you, and somehow couldn't spare a single pair of eyes themselves for fear of forgetting their flying routines, or coming up with new ones to make up for one less flying Wonderbolt. Then in that case, they should have alerted a guard to the situation. A situation, mind you, that I only found out about when I smelled some of Cinnamon Chai's baking prowess gracing my hallways, and a few guards that stunk of that decadent cake.

Incidentally, those secret cake-munching guards also got a stern lecture regarding the fact that they seem to have forgotten about the resting lounge I had set aside for them--the resting lounge they ate the cake in--and how I'd asked them to never overwork themselves. Tired guards are sloppy guards, but to insist I've never given them that sort of slack? Well, if they thought I'd cracked the whip before now, they know otherwise as of today.

But enough about my guard discipline--they are not the only ones to trigger my ire. Spitfire, pass this onto your Wonderbolts. What I ask of you is something small, easy to maintain. It shouldn't require too much thought, because it should be obvious from the get-go. Please, for all that is good and sacred, exercise some common sense before I exercise mine and discharge the lot of you. Don't worry, the Wonderbolt name won't go away--you've enlisted more than enough reserves for me to finally have the option of committing a full team replacement by now.

However, I do appreciate the Wonderbolts doing at least one smart thing today and stripping Wind Rider of his status. Good fortune has smiled upon us, because Rarity's investigation alone did not prove beyond a shadow of a doubt he had done it. She did prove that somepony else could have had the opportunity to plant the note, but that's all. The stained scarf implicating Rider could have been written off as a coincidence in that he "bumped" into the real culprit carrying the cake, and were it not for Rarity's persistence and his prompt confession, I have no doubt some attorney with half a brain would easily make that defense for him on a later court date.

But more importantly, that means I get to add his name to the invitation blacklist! For a good reason, too--that abysmal cologne of his is so pungent, other ponies wondered why I smelled like a stallion trying too hard to get a date. I was even using my other hoof to greet ponies, and they still smelled it on me. That's downright obnoxious to wear a scent so powerful it spreads to other ponies on contact--dogs have more respect for the trees they mark.

Anyway, keep up the good work, and ONLY the good work, Spitfire, or else Rainbow Dash might take your place. For good.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Right, where were we? Ah yes, I think Colonel Mustang killed Miss Pennywise in the Alchemy Chamber with a wicked tome!

Of course I know he's not a unicorn! He beat down the poor old stallion with the book, Luna Two! The book screamed and everything!

Look, I know it's dubious, but that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Can anyone prove me wrong?

...well, fine. I guess I was wrong then. Thanks, Tia Two. And wipe that silly grin off your face!

Author's Notes:

Greetings, good folk! I just wanted to leave a small update regarding a certain leaked episode making the rounds at the time of this posted letter.

In keeping with the spirit of the show, I will NOT write a letter for it at this time. EDIT: After reading some of the comments, it seems many prefer I release it in time with the episode's regular release. Hence, I will do so. Thanks again, dear readers!

Bought in Manehatten, Made in Phillydelphia, Shipped to Canterlot

Princess Twilight,

Look, I get it. You're bored out of your wits with nothing to do. After reading a whole two pages worth of complaining about this table not sending you anywhere since the Equal incident, with the first page devoted to Pinkie and Rainbow and the second to Rarity and Applestack, I am quite thoroughly convinced of this fact.

And then there was the third page devoted to you having nothing to read. Seriously? You burned through ALL of those books I transferred over? Well, you should have told me if you wanted more! The Canterlot library refreshed its stock just last week after my insistence on getting everything updated to keep up with that pesky map of yours, so by all means, fling a list of books at me, and I'll see what I can do.

Now, if you want something more immediate to do, maybe instead of lamenting about your boredom, you chill with your friends instead? I mean, sure, two of them left, but you still have three left in your roster you can do something with, right? Maybe Spike developed some kind of gem-digging hobby you could join him in, if you're desperate.

But if you're looking for a particular assignment from me, I do have one in mind. You recall Starswirl the Bearded's wing filled with scrolls, books, and all of his various knick-knacks? Well, the place was turned upside-down in a ransacking, and absolutely nothing was left untouched in there. Now, I know it's not like you to leave a mess this horrendous, barring the magic broom incident, but we don't have a suspect pinned down yet for this intrusion. We're working on that, however.

In the meantime, it's been a nightmare sorting through all of this by myself. No, I can't get help either. Luna's busy tending to a few afternoon duties for me while I handle this mess, and the guards are busy keeping the castle secure as a result of this nasty ransacking. The maids are busy cleaning up another disaster in the kitchen after somepony tried to make a Moon Meringue Pie--I'm fairly certain pies are not supposed to wheeze and moan.

The Wonderbolts, perhaps unsurprisingly, have yet to respond to my call for aid. And while I'd enlist the aid of the townsfolk in this matter, that would also mean the press would have another field day belittling my security measures. Oh, the things you should have seen in the papers, insinuating that I've hired changelings on my staff! I--well, that's technically true with Cuppa Joe now, but not at the time of that article!

Ahem, anyway, if you happen to have the free time, I could use the help--oh dear, I stepped on a crystal ball. You might want to bring some boots in advance if you're coming.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh no no no, you don't just throw anything back on the shelf! That's not how it works!

Yes, there has to be some kind of organization! A method to the madness! Does your--I mean MY room look like this at all?! That's why I could really use help that knows how to keep order!

Augh, you really need to be taught some organizational skills, but who... wait. Waiiiiiit just a minute.

Yes, that is a lightbulb over my head. Don't know why it's there, but it's quite appropriate.

Author's Notes:

Greetings, good folk! Man, watching this week's coin-flipped Applebuck Season with a dash of downscaling to make things fit at the end was a simple, but effective combination.

Regarding my letter for Friendship Games, I will wait on posting it until I have a firm grasp on when it fits in the timeline of the series. Plus, I've started a small mini-arc in the ending bit for this letter, and I'd rather not shoehorn the Games letter into that arc.

Thank you for your understanding, and as always, thanks for reading!

Brothers Can be Social Butterflies Too

Dear Granny Smith,

You knew, didn't you? You knew since the very beginning that the Sisterhooves Social could make exceptions for stallions to compete in place of a sister. And yet you let Big Mac--sorry, 'Orchard Blossom'--continue with that ridiculous idea of crossdressing his way into competing? Knowing full well this would likely play out as an incredible disaster by the last event?

Your deviance is just delicious to read, Granny. Contributing an old dress and older wig to his scheme? Well played. It reminds me of when I did something like this back when Twilight was little. I don't think I've told you this story before, but I really should in light of your naughty plan.

One day, when Twilight was still my protégé, I pulled a little gender switcheroo. Not just a little crossdressing--a full-on gender bender spell. The flabbergasted look on all of my guards, and notably Shining Armor's face upon saluting His Majesty 'Prince Solus', initially made my day. Shockingly, the maids weren't too confused by the situation, and one had the gall to ask me if she should start changing the sheets daily instead of every other day. I really liked the cut of her jib...

Huh, I can't recall the last time I've been on a sailboat. I wouldn't mind giving that a try sometime.

Anyway, all of their reactions were nothing compared to Twilight's. I remembered barging into her room, asking her how things were as if nothing had changed about my appearance. Oh, how the gears in her head ground down to smooth wheels as she tried to figure out exactly what was going on. Was I really Princess Celestia in disguise? Some delusional stallion with misplaced memories? The victim of a mind swap conspiracy while a noblepony posed as me? I'll admit, that last one gave me a good chuckle.

I did give up the ruse that afternoon once she started looking into ways to turn me back to normal. I knew this joke was taken too far when she called in an overzealous doctor that was way too eager to mess around with my assets... and on second thought, I'm not even sure they were a real doctor. Who wears a straitjacket for scrubs, anyway? That should have been a huge red flag.

Things did go back to normal after that, although I kept her away from the medical textbooks that year. I admired her determination, just not the direction it took. I should hope that Apple Bloom and Big Mac took a lesson from this as Twilight had--she took about twenty different lessons from my prank, most of which involving a long mental checklist dedicated to making sure that the help she gets actually knows what they're doing.

Oh, and I should be free for 'that' trip this week. I found a sitter, and she's been reasonably informed of the situation here in the castle, so we should be all set. I'll see you soon.

Friends Forever,

Celestia

Ah, Twilight! I'm glad you came--

Clones? Ah, you mean Sunny and Moony! Yes, they do share a very... strong resemblance to us, don't they?

Yes, uh, near-identical in looks, but their behavior is far unlike anything you've seen from me or Luna. Trust me, the differences will make themselves crystal clear in no time.

Well, I've outlined most of their habits in the notice on my desk over there. But if you happen to have any questions, feel free to send a letter and ask anything you wish. I can fill you in on any gaps in information if I can.

Ah yes, there is one more thing: keep them out of the kitchen. No, really. Don't let them in there, no matter how much they ask you to. Keep. Them. OUT.

It's About Time Those Lost Crusaders Made Their Mark

Dearest Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Finally. You've done it. For the first time in... well, the history of ever, we have three undeniably similar triplet cutie marks. I don't need to stretch my thinking too much to see that all of you have discovered that you share the exact same main talent at the same time, which is a glorious sight to these weathered eyes. However, don't be surprised if your Hidden Marks differ--they likely will, and that's okay. You don't have to share everything. Believe me, that can get awkward very quickly.

Yes Luna, I am talking about my toothbrush. And my hairbrush. Just because you have glitter dust fights with yourself doesn't mean I should deal with the aftermath in my own hair!

Ahem. But those will probably come way, way later in your future. And with marks like that, I have no doubt you'll open up some Lost and Found Talent Agency of some kind. Helping those without talent find it, and those with talent to improve on it, sounds like a new sort of adventure that will never fully end for you. Talent is always out there, looking to be discovered or refined. So good luck, Crusaders. You'll need all you can get.

Oh, and Luna has something to say as well.

Hello, dear Crusaders. I'm so happy that you have discovered your true talent. I'm sure many others have expressed this sentiment to you by now, but this is a momentous occasion to remember for us in particular.

You may not know this, but my sister and I had discovered our talents at roughly the same time. It may sound silly, but it all stemmed from a small dare. "I dare you to... move the sun!" Oh, how she laughed it off as something impossible! One pony couldn't possibly do something like that!

She refused, of course, but I wouldn't have it. I upped the ante with a double-diamond-dog dare that I'd move it too!

No, I said I'd do the sun too! Tia, the moon was your triple-diamond-dog dare, not mine!

Yes, I'm certain that wasn't when we nearly doomed the world with a lunar eclipse. That was the week after the dare. Trust me--the blood moon is a thing I'd rather not live through again.

Now, where was I? After my sister's dare of no return, we had made good on our bets. Barely, but we'd done it. Knowing we could do something we thought was impossible...

It filled us with determination to do more, to better ourselves. It was the moment that set us down our path. I won't tell you what your path is--that is a journey you will have to discover for yourself, dear Crusaders.

Only now, you have a direction to follow. So follow it, and don't look back.

Wishing to your success,

Princess Luna and Princess Celestia

Mayor Mare,

Thank you for this informative report concerning some of these questionable school projects approved by the board of education, or more specifically, Spoiled Rich. Truly, her gumption to insist that a stained-glass window of her daughter is an educational piece the school needs to 'grant a grander appreciation of the finer arts' is the sort of legendary bullcrap my Canterlot nobles would dream of.

Rest assured, I'll come up with a proper response to these egregious claims in a short time. You'll know when it comes--you'll be the first to get a copy of it, before the real one reaches her mailbox.

Cheers,

Celestia

Author's Notes:

Greetings, good folk! My time's a bit cramped today, so I'll just leave two things here regarding today's letter.

1. For those wondering why I have no end bit regarding the clone babysitting tutoring, fret not. I haven't forgotten--I'm just not quite finished writing about this episode yet because SO MUCH happened in it. Which means...

2. There will be a bonus letter for this episode!

Bonus: Fundraising Funding Should be Fun, as Should Playing With the Sun

Dear Spoiled BiRich,

It's come to my attention that there have been some... 'curiosities' regarding Ponyville's school funding. More specifically, the lack of it after Tirek's attack on Equestria. Which is strange, at least to me. I know Tirek practically razed and wontonly destroyed parts of cities in Equestria with no regard. Ponyville was no exception, as he had taken delight in destroying Golden Oaks Library, various buildings lining the main road, and the school playground.

That last one had the least amount of damage taken to it, financially speaking. I expected another smoking crater of some sort, but no, Tirek wanted to crush more than just our stability. He wanted to break our happiness, and if the pleading letter sent from the students detailing how he'd broken their equipment piece by piece in front of their eyes, I almost felt compelled to say he had won in his disturbing crusade to destroy 'fun'. Crazy centaur.

Ahem, back to the topic. Following Tirek's wake of destruction in Ponyville, I asked Mayor Mare to assess all the damages immediately so that I might provide proper relief funding to get the town back in working order. I know she's a busy mare, and she probably took your word for it at the time that you would take care of things. Your husband is quite wealthy, so I'm sure you would have had things all figured out to do your part in helping the town get back on its hooves.

I believe that such noble, respectable intentions are more than worthy of deserving some merit. And had I heard of such generosity, I would have come down to congratulate you personally for such admirable efforts. Perhaps present a medal, trophy, or honorary ribbon commemorating your exceptional service to the community of Ponyville.

But this is not a letter of praise. Why?

Because you wanted to put a statue of your daughter where the playground used to be. Gods forbid the well-being of the other students in the class--your little angel must shine in the darkness.

It was bad enough reading about how one of the school windows was replaced with a stained-glass mockup of Diamond Tiara. Yes, I know Discord broke that, but that should have been a clear sign of how much power you were abusing in your position at the time. But now, with this whole statue idea you had planned instead of giving all of the children a fun, relatively safe place to play and enjoy themselves? Were you thinking about anyone else other than your daughter? Anyone at all?

Perhaps a little bit. I'll give you credit that some of the money I sent really did go into repairing the school building. I don't know whether you did that for selfish or generous reasons, but it's worth noting. However, you reappropriated the remaining funds for the school playground toward the statue, and filled in the gap on the cost by digging into your husband's pockets. You could have used all of his money for that statue and put it elsewhere, but no, it couldn't sit on school property like that. There had to be some money tied into the school to 'justify' putting it there, just as you had 'justified' that glass window.

I know what you did, Spoiled Rich. You pulled the wool over our eyes once, but not this time. You will pay for this, and it won't be with money.

Following the service of this letter, a royal guard will escort you off the premises to Ponyville's local orphanage. There, you will serve a three months of community service helping all sorts of 'low-class' children, as you might call them. Since you can't seem to appreciate any other child but your own, this should serve as a humbling experience for you to reflect upon your negligence. I serve this punishment to thee in the hopes of bettering yourself in the most straightforward manner possible, if only because I see a chance for you to redeem yourself. A small chance, but one nonetheless.

However, should this punishment fail to tender your heart, I could pull you into court for embezzlement, and you could be looking at a few years in prison for that. I do hate to separate mother and child, but depending on your actions, you may leave me no choice.

Consider your options carefully, Spoiled Rich. I'd hate for you to make any unwise decisions.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. This obviously means your position at the school board is hereby suspended until your punishment has been served. And I shouldn't have to say this, but if you try to pull another fast one, I won't be this lenient. Keep your hooves out of the children's cookie jar.

P.P.S. I suggest you hug your daughter before you're escorted today. She at least deserves that much from you.

Princess Twilight,

I'm left with mixed feelings about your work.

On one hoof, I offer my deepest thanks in teaching Sunny and Moony how to behave and be more proper and tidy about their actions. Finding my room to be less of a mess today has done wonders for me and the maids, and the guards aren't on edge anymore expecting a moon pie assault from unexpected angles and/or unusual trajectories. Luna's room is still a dust-ridden mess, but at least I can breathe in there without feeling like I've swallowed as much chalky earth as I have air.

But on the other hoof, I didn't ask for you to teach them some advanced magic lessons. Like teaching them how to better control the sun and moon, which I specifically taught them ONLY the basics for. If you haven't noticed from the rapidly shifting day and night cycles, Sunny and Moony are playing tennis with our celestial bodies, and to my complete and utter disbelief, Luna is the umpire.

All shock aside, this match is quite intense, since I've already received a pile of noise complaints regarding excessively loud shouting and grunting. Not just from Canterlot--it's gone clear out to Griffonstone. Seriously, have you ever read a griffon letter? Talon holes everywhere, and don't even get me started on the griffonage. I had to get my reading glasses for that.

As entertaining as this whole affair is, I need to get this settled and the world back to functioning order preferably by tomorrow, so as you get this, get over here and help me sort out this mess. I would handle this myself, but my sister turned the tables on me for this one.

And if worst comes to worst up there, please set aside a few hours for a bit of referee time while we sort out our problems in a doubles match.

Waiting for your arrival,

Princess Celestia

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows I Know Because Mayor Mare Knows I Know Pinkie Pie Knows, You Know?

Mayor Mare,

I thought you were good at keeping secrets. I mean, between us and Granny, we managed to stay hush-hush about the vanishing forest, breaking into the Rainbow Factory with a bag of potato chips, egging Discord's house, raiding a chicken coop to get said eggs...

Granted, for all of those, we had done a Pinkie Promise to keep quiet about it, which I'm guessing you didn't do for a certain secret I would have loved to hear in person from my niece.

And yet despite this glaringly obvious fault...

Ohmygosh ohmygosh OH MY GOSH! I get to be a great aunt! Okay, okay, calm yourself Celestia. This isn't too big a deal... but dear me, I am going to spoil that child of theirs. I know it--they're going to be swimming in so many baby toys it'll be more fun than a ball pit.

I'll even give them the full cake experience. Princess Cake? Prince Cake? A cake with fruit in it that's not fruitcake? I'll find out which to start baking soon enough.

Oh, but now I have to pretend to act surprised when Cadance comes by with the news. That's... going to be difficult. Teaching Cadance how to spot fake emotions is really going to bite me in the flank on this one.

...or will it?

Well, don't worry, Mayor Mare. You may have shared this secret with me, but I don't think it'll ruin the surprise. After all, I'm the only one here that knows, but I can think of a few that don't know--

Gah! Luna! Uh, how's your afternoon going?

Oh, well, that would be you, our significant 'others'... look, if I told you, it would ruin things even more than how botched it is now.

What? No, it's not another millennial evil. Or even a centurial one! It's a good thing, very... important, but it can also wait. Just... promise me you won't pry into my dreams on this one. I mean it.

Thank you. And before you go, do you happen to know where Sunny is? ...Bathing with the birds in the garden? Well, it could be worse. She could be bathing in the Fountain Square. Anyway, thanks again, Luna. I'll go get her later.

Whew. I guess keeping a secret like this really will be a nightmare, in a sense. Wish me luck, Mayor. I'll need it.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Hearthbreaking Moments Aren't Always Set in Stone

Dear Granny Smith,

A Pairing Stone. You want to get a Pairing Stone?

Granny, I didn't know you still had that romantic interest in you! I mean, not that that's a bad thing--it's fantastic--but do you really need a stone for that? Granted, I know that's worked out for Pinkie's family, and a Pairing Stone is never wrong, which is a much better rate than, say, a sorting hat.

I mean it. Pairing Stones are never, ever wrong. They will flat out tell you if you are meant for somepony for life, and if it won't last, they'll even tell you how long it will go down to the centisecond. Once I heard one say that a relationship was going to last for ten point forty three seconds, and ten point forty three seconds later, the prospective stallion's wife stormed in on them in a maelstrom of rage and mane hair.

Or I could be confusing that with this latest issue of Power Ponies. Either way, that imagery isn't too far off the mark.

Anyway, if you're absolutely sure you want one, I can put in a request for it. They're uncommon for sure, but not impossible to find. You'll get it within a week from your reply.

Oh, and you'll only need one stone for the family, just in case Applehack and Big Mac need it for any of their romantic pursuits. Although from this little letter you wrote about those looks your grandson gave Marble, I wonder if he would even want to use that stone. It is a dedicated relationship spoiler, after all...

Oh well, it's not my place to think about such choices. This is your stone, after all--discretion would fall upon you on how you will use it. Do let me know if you want a Pairing Stone; otherwise, I'll see you at Rainbow Falls in a few weeks.

And don't forget to pack sunscreen this time. It wouldn't behoove us to terrify the lounge ponies with another Apple Raisin incident.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Sunny. And is that an eight-layer cake on that cart?

Wow, you've really improved on your baking finesse ever since the Moon Pies! So are we going to eat it, or--

You... want to... marry it? A cake? I can't even... what?

You want to marry it because you love it that much? T-That's not what the expression means! It's--wait, where are you going?

Don't! That phrase was sarcasm! You hear me?! SARCASM!

...she doesn't even know what sarcasm means. This... will be something to hear about in the tabloids tomorrow, I know it.

Think Like the Master, Scare the Master, Become the Master

Nightmare Night Planner for... what year is it again?

Not important. Ahem. Costumes are sorted out properly. I’ve got a flowing rainbow inside, gleaming white outside uniform--same theme for the hair. Hopefully the radiance won’t blind ponies tonight. Luna’s done up her hair in a ponytail and has some comically large angled orange glasses. Her voice is still in peak condition. We'll need that tonight.

Note to self: Luna was right. Anime WAS a good idea for us this year.

Sunny and Moony are also going, but chose their own costumes. They decided on plants: Sunny went with a happy sunflower, and Moony went with a pumpkin. I tried to argue against those choices, but Sunny was too happy (almost with a facade of some kind... it's probably nothing) and Moony was too cute hiding in one, so I let it slide.

The plan is simple: We take Canterlot, the clones take Ponyville. We acquire candy through any legitimate means necessary. No theft from other competition or handouts--dropped candy bags are NOT fair game if left unattended. This MUST be stressed with them so we keep it fair.

...should I tell them about the corn maze? Nah, they’ll find it on their own. Hopefully Granny’s kept the scares on par with last year. Or maybe it's better tonight? I'm sure the clones will tell us how that goes.

Anyway, we’ll enjoy our respective festivities as we see fit. At the end of the night, we meet in the throne room for a routine candy swap, board games (ensure Spooks and Adders is among the choices), and a horror film provided by Luna.

Second note to self: quintuple-soundproof the throne room. Double wasn’t enough last year.

Lastly, don’t forget to ensure the friendly headless spectral being haunting the west wing gets their proper decorative pumpkin head this time--zucchini was a horrid idea, as they were subject to too many "why the long face" jokes. That was not a good year.

Wait, one more very important note: double-check the Royal Handler’s locks on his cage tonight. If he breaks out, we won’t be here to properly contain him, and gods know his first target will be the nearest orchard. Granny will NOT let me get off easy if he gets all over their fruit. So we MUST lock the cage. LOCK. IT.

And the windows. The Pink One also likes to come tonight. I can see her now--NO! I am not handing out candy this year, Pinkie! Get out!

Alright... Alright, that should do it. Hopefully I’m not forgetting anything, including this reminder note when we--

Wait, it’s time already?! H-Hang on, I need to get dressed, Luna!

I know I should've gotten dressed first! I’m hurrying! We can’t let our clones beat us in the big candy haul!

Buckets? No no, I told you we need pillowcases! We must always prepare for the best case scenario!

Author's Notes:

*sigh* As usual, they don't follow the rules...

Anyway, since the episode was kinda leaked way earlier, I'll just... uh, leak this one a day early. I hope you had a happy Nightmare Night, dear readers! And may your candy bounties ever be good and plenty.

Discord? What ABOUT Discord?

Granny Smith,

Look, I understand Discord rustled Appleslack and the rest of you with his highly offensive comment to your lineage making reference to the fact that so many of your family members are inbred hybrids. I’m not going to say he didn’t mean it--the last time I spoke for somepony, they used that as validation for making a pair of wax wings. He was quite the crazy little stallion… was.

But no, I can’t give you advice on getting back at Discord for that comment. If I engaged in a revenge plot against an admittedly deserving draconequus, I get the feeling it would start a prank war initially fun to participate in at the beginning, but would escalate into some dystopian one-upping jokester society where laughs become common currency. I cannot have that on my plate for a variety of sane reasons, so I hope you respect my official decision to not assist you in this manner.

Unofficially speaking, I can say that you could potentially read the back of this letter, which may contain directions to an unspecified house in a chaotic land located neither here nor there, but certainly appears somewhere. And theoretically upon finding this house, which is generously calling what’s better described as a shanty shack with more hidden filth than Goldie’s house, one such as yourself possibly inclined toward sweet revenge may see fit to raise a new house upon the shoddy foundation and give the unsuspecting homeowner a most intriguing surprise.

Hypothetically, after hearing of such an extreme home makeover, I would be inclined to reassess the property taxes on such a locale, enough so that I might finally receive a legitimate payment not paid for in wooden, chocolate, and/or chocolate-dipped wooden coins. And while I cannot use said tax money as part of any reward for such a noble act, it would potentially curry favor for a future endeavor of which you will receive an invitation for at a later date. Maybe.

Of course, this entire situation is pure speculation, and is by no means an intended roadmap for you to follow. Diverting from the path is also possible at any point toward wherever you could go with it, but that is entirely your decision.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your kin, Granny Smith, and I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

Friends Forever,

Celestia

Ah, Sunny. How are you?

Fine, and yes, I did enjoy the wedding. The cake’s… erm, relatives were most enjoyable to be around. I’ve never had a more intriguing conversation with that oatmeal raisin cookie in my lifetime.

What do you mean you didn’t invite any cookies? Then who was I--

...unbelievable. I spoke with a completely sweet stranger, didn’t I? Fantastic, now I look like the lunatic.

Author's Notes:

Greetings, good folk!

Firstly, my apologies to those that expected a Monday letter. Illness is the darndest thing, ain't it?

Even so, I promised myself I would get a letter done for Tuesday, and I meant it. So here it is, and as always, thanks for reading.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be off playing Fallout 4 getting some good rest.

McColt Fires One Out to Left Hooffield, and It's Going, Going... Gone!

Dear Fluttershy,

So I took a walk out to my garden this afternoon. Got some fresh air, enjoyed the warm breeze, the usual good vibes I get from trotting among the aged statues, trimmed bushes, and freshly-watered trees. You know, the usual Sunday nature appreciation hour.

Or maybe you didn’t know. Doesn’t matter.

Soon, I stumbled across some of the garden birds gathered around the birdbath, with Sunny sitting square in the middle. At first, I thought it was just another birdbath problem I’d spend twenty or so minutes telling her NOT to do, but she would do it again a week later like I never told her anything. And sometimes when you deal with someone as persistent as yourself (perhaps even more so), you learn to just take it at face value and move on to more important matters. But this was different. Very different.

They were reading. And they weren’t just reading any ordinary book, unless you consider To Feed a Mockingbird standard reading material for birds of all shapes and sizes, from the humble finch to my darling Philomena. Even Shadebeak was hanging upside-down in a nearby tree, holding a copy in its flesh-rending talons. And I swear it wore Luna’s reading glasses.

Why do I write this letter to you, then? Because Sunny told me that a little birdie told her a squirrel said a big brown bear talked about a book club you had hosted with your animals today, and Sunny thought it would be a fantastic idea to spread such love of literacy within the garden.

And so, for her sake, I’d like you to write back on what book will be covered next week. Or even a variety of books to choose from, so they’ll have options. I haven’t quite seen Sunny this excited for something since her honeymoon with... “Eggie Eight-Layer”, as she called him.

Hrm, speaking of that, I haven’t seen Eggie today… anyway, please respond within a few days, if you can. The sooner they get some book ideas to read, the less Sunny will pester me about it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Do not suggest The Raven, please. Luna found that and spent a full week knocking on my chamber door--I’d rather it happened nevermore.

Oh for crying out loud! Luna, I’ve had it up to here with your rapping and--

...that is one massive cake. How did it even get up here? I-It’s not my birthday, is it?!

No, I’m sure it’s not today. Well, I suppose it won’t do to leave it out here in the hall, and it is snack time…

Hm, now how should I cut into this--GAH!

Hmm… tastes like cream cheese. This isn’t any normal cupcake sneak attack.

It’s red velvet. Well, if you two hooligans want to be THAT serious, I need to bring out the big guns.

Luna! Ready the bowls and egg beaters! I must secure the kitchen before they raid it for more ammunition!

Attractive Manes Alone Don't Make the Mare, But They Never Hurt to Have

Dear Appletrack,

Nothing’s wrong over there in Ponyville, is it? Is everything fine?

I mean, Mayor Mare hasn’t sent me any major damage reports over the past few weeks since the Yaks visited, so I should think nothing’s wrong. And I do. But there’s been a nagging thought that if I don’t get some sort of significant damage report, then maybe it’s because something so awful happened that nothing could be sent to let me know, you know?

Unless… the town wouldn’t happen to be hiding any damages, would it? Because that shouldn’t be happening, either. Especially not that! What good would that do for anyone unless the damage is so enormous it’s embarrassing to tell me? Are all the houses replaced with tents with houses cleverly painted on them? Is that what’s going on?!

Sorry, I needed to slap myself for that one. That would be plain outrageous. Yeah… just too crazy to be true.

Anyway, I have a question for you. If I told you I knew a popular pony you knew was about to be in some financial trouble, how would you react?

Because Countess Coloratura--or is it Lady Rara now? That’s what her fans have started calling her, and I can’t keep pace with the younger generations sometimes. Anyway, however she goes by, she’s about to be in some trouble with her taxes this year.

More specifically, she kindly wrote a letter to me upon me auditing her stating that she didn’t know how to file taxes. According to her, Svengallop had handled her taxes for her every year since she accepted him as her manager. After a brief inspection of his tax forms, I found out 'handled' actually meant he was claiming her as a dependant. For over a decade.

Upon finding this… irritating discovery, I’ve been busy for the past few hours lining up the mother of all audits for Svengallop that’ll likely break his wallet, and perhaps ruin his coiffed curls. However, I am still occupied with this task, so much so that I haven’t had the time to teach Coloratura the wonderful world of taxes.

That is where you come in, Appleclack. I’ve heard through a grapevine or ten that you know her better than most, and thus I personally request you give her the 101 on getting taxes done. I’ve already granted her some leniency by adding her unpaid taxes over the last decade on Svengallop’s tab (because why not, right?), so she won’t need to worry about that. The rest she should worry about, but with your help, I’m certain she can start off on the right hoof again.

And if you’re stuck, just pester Granny about it. I taught her how to do it back in the day, so she could add a few pointers in if need be. Should you succeed in this task, I would be most grateful for your assistance… and I would even make a concentrated effort to try and properly recall your name. That sounds like a good incentive, don’t you think?

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Ah, evening Sunny. What brings you--what in Equestria are you wearing?

A-A Nippony pop star? Have you lost your marbles?!

No, those are mine. I mean, yes, they’re also technically yours--NOT important! Where did you even get this idea?

...wait, say that name again.

Again.

Again.

Svengallop... Alright. Okay, here’s the deal. I know you almost never listen to my warnings or suggestions, but I implore you to listen for once. Please please please reconsider absolutely everything about this decision. You don’t know what you’re getting into, I can promise you that.

So you’re firm on this? Alright young lady, I didn't want to have to do this, but if you really, truly want to go on tour, you know you're going to have to leave your hubbycake behind, don't you?

Take him with you? Don't you know Nippony idols have a pure, innocent image to maintain? Why, if ponies over there saw that you were married, you would be ruined! No no no, he must stay behind. Have you even told him about this?

Well, maybe you should have a talk with him. See if he’s okay with it, you know?

Good. Let me know how that talk goes, okay? See you later!

...I actually used her cake husband as a deterrent. What is my life?!