Princess Cadence swore a lot of things when she was younger. She swore that she would never think that she was above others due to her royal status. She swore she would never let politics stop her from being who she was. And she swore she would never drink.

Two hours ago she broke that last one, and drank enough alcohol that would kill a pony three times over. The only reason she wasn’t stone cold dead was because of her natural alicorn heartiness. Stumbling through the halls of her palace, she began to rip of her costume, heedless of the myriad of servants and guards who hurried out of her way. Ever since the infamous Moonshine Incident of Solar Year 374—wherein a few sections of Canterlot castle may have accidentally been vaporized by solar plasma after a week-long bender when a foolish guard happened to comment upon the Solar Goddess’s apparently growing flank-size—an unwritten rule had circulated amongst the servants of the alicorn princesses: alicorn magic plus alcohol equals as much distance as you can manage.

Besides, you didn’t really think Nightmare Moon happened because of a single pony angry at not being loved like a tween finding out her Ponywood crush was gay? Nah, something like happens means there is always alcohol involved.

“I’ma gonna...outwaw hears and... hears and... something or whatever day,” slurred Cadence as she sluggishly made her towards her bedroom. “All it... it does was... make ponies... wuck like wabbits... crwate incest... and... and twuamawize innocent ponies by... shoving six... of those... those... things that woys have down a throat... nowaonder... auntie eats cake a lot... with a wouth that big....”

With blood shot eyes, she drew one last arrow from her quiver and smiled sheepishly at it. “But at weast I got a wusband that loves me and we’re gonna wuck like there is no tomorrow.”

She opened her door to her bedroom only to have her mouth drop all the way by what she saw. Her husband, Shining Armor, laying on the bed as Applejack attempted to enact death by snuggles, while Rainbow Dash did her best to defend her secret crush’s honor.

“I said I’m married! Leave me alone!” shouted Shining Armor doing his best to avoid his rump getting grabbed by Applejack.

“Ah don’t care! Ah love ya and yer mine! Ah can roll in the hay better than that prissy alicorn can!” shouted AJ with a lustful grin even a succubus would find disturbing. She then glared at Rainbow Dash who narrowly missed a kick to Shining Armor’s head. “Stop tryin’ to kill mah future husband!”

“Future husband?!” shouted Shining Armor, turning even whiter than he was.

“No way! I’m not going to let you marry some loser prince when you could be with the most awesomest pony ever!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “I can be a better lover than he ever could! I mean, he probably doesn’t even perform that well if Cadence isn’t pregnant after three years of marriage.”

“Hey! I perform very well! It’s not my fault that it’s ten times harder to get an alicorn pregnant than a regular mare!” shouted a blushing Shining Armor.

Rainbow Dash abruptly ceased her attack. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. Very discerning eggs,” he said with a shudder.

“Which is why Ah can provide for ya! Just look at mah flank! Ain’t it tempting’?” asked Applejack, shoving her backside into Shining’s face. “Look at them curves! Tell me them ain’t child-bearin’ hips! ‘Sides, Granny Smith’s been itchin’ fer some grandfoals. Come on, you know you wanna put a bun in my buns!”

“Hey! I can provide foals too, you know!” shouted Rainbow Dash, waving her hooves.

“Yer a mare. Ah’m a mare. It wouldn’t work,” said Applejack deadpanned.

“We live in a word where a tree holds the balance between order and chaos, princesses move the sun and moon, I can break the speed of sound, Twilight can cause a nuclear explosion, and Pinkie Pie exists. I think two mares having a baby together wouldn’t be a surprise at this point.”

Shining Armor shoved away Applejack’s plot and began to back away. “Nopony is going to be doing anypony in my bedroom! Except for me and...” he felt his backside bump into somepony. Slowly, he turned and saw Cadence staring at him with wide eyes. “... Cadence.”

Now, if Cadence wasn’t drunk or traumatized out of her mind, chances are this would result in yelling, magical explosion, divorced and a downward spiral for all parties involved. However, since she wasn’t, this happened instead.

Tears formed in her eyes as a smile grew on her muzzle. Without warning she dived into his chest and hugged him. “Oh, Shining! I wove you!”

“Bwah?” asked Shining Armor, caught between relief at not being smacked by a pony who could fell a tree with a single kick and confusion at not being smacked by a pony who could fell a tree with a single kick. Instead, he got a loving kiss on the lips from his wife before she broke it and winked. He sniffed her breath. “Cadence, are you... drunk?”

“Forget about that. You rewembered our dweam sex play...” she leerling grinned. “A foursome with evewy pony wace inwolved! Grwanted this was before we had crwystal ponies, but wive is an orgy, and we did that last year at the Wrand Walloping Wala.”

“F-f-foursome?!” shouted Shining Armor completely beat red. He turned to a pondering Rainbow Dash and Appleack. “Uhhh, you ladies want to say something about this?”

The two looked at each other before turning back to Shining Armor.

“Eh, I got no problems,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Sounds like a good time. Let’s do it,” said Applejack.

“Great!” shouted Cadence as she took the arrow and pointed it at her behind. “Here we go!”

“.. and so we say our final farewells to our beloved son, Prince Shining Armor,” said the priest in front of the closed casket bearing the deceased prince’s cutie mark on top. The hundreds of mourners lowered their heads in silence as his family, including his widow wife, walked over and place flowers on his casket. “May he find peace in the hereafter forever more. Amen.”

Taps began to play as the casket was lowered into the grave that read:

As the crowd began to disperse, Twilight Sparkle stood next to her sister-in-law in tears. “I c-c-can’t believe he’s gone. My big brother...”

“I’m so sorry, Twilight,” whispered Cadence, nuzzling her.

“Cadence,” whispered Twilight, looking at her with pleading eyes. “Please tell me he died happy?”

A twinge shot through her lower regions as she remembered that fateful night... well, fateful nights. “Twilight, I can promise you, he did.”

Author's Notes:

I had a lot of fun with this one. Hope I didn't piss people off with that ending.

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