“I feel awful.” Robert commented. He was sitting on Rarity's couch, having washed most of the mud off outside, and then had a shower at her insistence.

“Not surprising darling. You did spend the night sleeping on my lawn, even if it's fabulously manicured.” Rarity said with a smile.

“I'm fairly sure I ate some of it.” he replied. "I don't quite see how some ponies manage.”

“It all depends on the circumstances. A fast food buffet is not how most ponies eat.” Rarity fought to contain a smile. She failed.

“It wasn't exactly mine, but I wanted to ensure you had enough time to help her.” Robert replied, and yawned. "Sorry.”

“Quite alright. How is the tea?”

“Fantastic.” he said, taking another sip. A nice black tea is the perfect way to wake up.”

“Indeed. I cannot quite fathom the fascination with coffee.” Rarity said, sipping her own.

“I can.” Robert replied. “Coffee isn't something drunk for pleasure, but for the burst of energy. If you have to do something and can't get up the energy to do it yourself, it has it's charm. On the other hand, if you're just trying to relax, tea is the way to go.”

“I agree. So tell me, how did you end up a match maker?” Rarity asked.

“Hmm... let me start at the beginning.” Robert said, picking up a muffin. "It started on the road to Trottingham.” he told her the entire story.

“A dilapidated theater in Canterlot?” Rarity asked.

“Yes. It's a lovely theater, but it's kind of run down, so it doesn't attract the kind of business it really needs to stay up and running.” Robert said.

“Don't the Princesses offer grants for such things?” Rarity asked. "I'm certain I've heard that.”

“They do.” Robert said. "Unfortunately, the requests have become tied up in the normal bureaucratic nonsense. I was hoping to get Twilight's help, and things went in a different direction altogether.”

“Ah. Tell me, what would your father do in such a situation?” Rarity asked, leaning forward.

“He'd sit down and listen to both sides. Then, if mother were around, she'd talk with him quietly and he'd come to a compromise between both sides, that left them as satisfied as could be managed.” Robert smiled at the memories.

“What if she was not?” Rarity asked.

“He'd listen calmly to both sides. And then he'd go on a five alarm, four star tirade lasting anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. The most impressive was perhaps the 'Cabbage Incident.' It was the stuff of legend.”

“Oh, now you simply must tell me.” Rarity said, giving him all her attention.

“Mother was away with the warriors, some patrol or other. Father heard a dispute between two merchants over the price of a wagon load of Cabbages. Each accused the other of price fixing, or gouging or some such nonsense. It was a complete falsehood on both parts, but once my father started listening, he had to make a ruling. He let them both finish, looked them in the eyes, and said:'You're both idiots.' And then proceeded to unleash a tirade that lasted four days without repetition, or any other insults, and no breaks except sleep and other necessities. It was quite impressive.” Robert smiled at the memory.

“That sounds interesting.” Rarity said. It didn't.

“Oh, but the best part of it? The cabbages over which they were arguing? By the time he finished his tirade, they'd been sitting out in the heat for the entire time. The entire batch was completely useless.” Robert laughed. "He ended up paying them both a fraction of what it was worth.”

“That's... kind of awful. Rarity said. "I am a fashionista, but I am friends with several farmers, and I can guess just how much a wagon load of cabbages cost.”

“True. Though the fraction he paid for the wagon, is by weight a greater amount than is paid here for a wagon of edible cabbage.” Rarity raised an eyebrow. "We grow rather a lot of cabbage. It's the best food for transmutation to meat, so we use a lot of it. It wasn't too valuable, until someone” he coughed, which sounded suspiciously like the word ponies. "brought us the recipe for Coleslaw.”

“Ah.” Rarity said, and sipped her tea. "So no undue hardship?”

“Not at all.” he replied.

“Then why argue so much the price?” she asked. He chuckled.

“Have you ever known merchants not to haggle over the price? Of anything, even if it's so common as to be anywhere?” he snorted. "It doesn't really need a good reason to happen, it just happens.”

“True enough.” Rarity admitted. "So, this theater, tell me about it?” Robert closed his eyes, and began describing it. After a moment she followed him. "I can see it. Hmm... It sounds amazing, but why are you telling me?”

“Well, I was hoping, that if we get them the money, a certain pony might be convinced to help with the renovations. After all, theaters are staples of high society...” he left it hanging.

“I suppose I might be convinced to lend a hoof.” she smiled. "If you get the grant.” he smiled back.

“Excellent. Now, to see about sicking Twilight on the bureaucrats.” Robert finished his tea. "But first, another muffin.”

---

Twilight prodded the magical field. It rebounded and shocked her. “Ow.” Okay, prodding the magical field wasn't a brilliant idea. She pressed a probe of magic against it. Zap. “Ouch.” She shook her head to clear it. That wasn't helping anything. She drew back, preparing to hit it as hard as she could. A knock at the door stopped her. She released the power she'd drawn in, down and out through her hooves, grounding it out. Then she released the spell she'd learned in the library. She trotted up the stairs, locked the door to her lab, and answered the door. Robert was on the other side of it, looking much better than he had the night before. “Hello. Have a good nap?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I did.” he replied. "I might just sleep in the mud again.” he grinned.

“You're as bad as Rainbow Dash.” Twilight said.

“Thank you.” he answered, pretending to buff his claws.

“Not a compliment.” she replied.

“That's how I'll take it, nevertheless.” then he smiled. It was a sufficiently predatory smile that she couldn't help but flinch. "So, the reason, that I ended up match making last night, was that Trixie introduced me to her boss. And I noticed the theater was a little run down. So I asked him about it, and he said he didn't have the money to fix it.”

“The princesses have grants for that.” Twilight pointed out.

“I said the same. He replied that he'd submitted requests to both the night and day courts, only to see them disappear into the bureaucracy.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I was wondering if you might be convinced to apply that powerfully analytical mind to the process of speeding one of the applications or the other into some action.”

“I could take it straight to the princesses.” Twilight pointed out.

“Yeah, you could. Unfortunately, then you don't get to irritate the bureaucrats. Is there anything more fun? he asked, smiling pleasantly at her.

“Avoiding them completely?” Twilight suggested. "Or possibly banishing them somewhere and locking them up where they've been banished?”

“Ah, most of them are just doing their jobs.” he pointed out.

“Yet you want to annoy them.” she said, exposing his hypocrisy.

“Their boring, boring jobs.” he shrugged.

“I'm certain it's not that boring.” Twilight said.

--

Paper Mate, a white coated, black tailed earth pony, decided he had the single most boring job in Equestria. The arrival of a Princess and Tiger, did not make him feel any better.

“Hello Princess...” he blanked.

“Twilight Sparkle.” she offered a hoof.

“Pleasure Princess.” he shook the hoof. "What can I do for you?” Twilight took a breath, and explained. “Ah. Well, you've come to the right office.” he turned and trotted to the index behind him and skimmed through the paper. "Here we are.” he carried the binder to the desk and opened it. He skimmed through the contents and then paused. His eyes narrowed.

“What's the matter?” Twilight asked.

“I see why your friends applications got stopped here. They were put under administrative hold.” Paper Mate turned the book around. Twilight skimmed through it, and when she found what she was looking for, her face turned sour.

“I might have known.” she said. Can I get a copy of that?”

“Certainly, just a moment.” Paper Mate hefted the binder and disappeared into the backroom.

“Twilight? What's wrong?” Robert asked, backing away as she turned towards him.

“His name, is Blueblood. And, he is the single most arrogant, self-righteous jerk I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with.” Twilight explained. “And as the student of the princess, I have become an expert in arrogant, self-righteous jerks.” she explained what she knew.

“It's not necessarily very nice, but she did go looking for a prince to take advantage of.” Robert pointed out at the end of the Gala story. Twilight snorted. "I presume there's more?”

“Oh, that's just the start.” Twilight said. "So far, I've heard more than a half-dozen accounts of him knocking ponies out of his path, even if there was a considerable space around them. I believe them, because I've witnessed two of those myself. Then there's the petitions. The endless, mind numbing petitions. One of my first court assignments, was reading through his petitions and finding ways to deal with them. A fair few of him went into the fire. I was informed that was an unkind way of dealing with them. His ideas weren't all bad, but one in fifty wasn't exactly a stellar track record.”

“Ah, one of those.” Robert nodded. "I've seen a fair few of them.”

“And how do I explain the legal repercussions of some of his 'amorous' adventures?” Twilight asked. "I cannot think of a way to do it. More time and money were thrown down the drain dealing with his legal problems than I care to think about.”

“Why would you know that?” Robert asked.

“Because another of my assignments was helping in the courts. Would you believe that at one point, that idiot attempted to sue the princess. And not Princess Celestia. He tried to sue Princess Luna, for neglect of her duties.” she took a deep breath.

“Are you serious?” he asked. She nodded. "I see I might have to try some 'diplomacy'.” before Twilight could respond, Paper Mate returned with a couple copies of the relevant papers. He passed them over and returned the binder.

“If you could just sign here.” he slid a paper to her, indicating the time and date she'd asked for the copies. She signed it, and pushed it back. "There we go. Have a good day. As much as you can when dealing with his snootyness.”

“Thank you.” Twilight said, and led the way out.

---

Prince Blueblood was lounging by a pool when Twilight arrived. His drink splashed onto him, staining his coat red. “Hey!” was all he managed as he was rolled off the chair by her landing. A moment later he was washed clean, as Robert overshot, and splashed down in the pool. Twilight's shield ensured she remained perfectly dry.

“Hello Blueblood.” Twilight said, managing through some miracle to remain calm and polite. Even if she really wanted to hold his head under the pool for several minutes before talking. To remove the smell of alcohol if nothing else.

“Ah, Princess Twilight. If I had but known you were coming.” he began.

“I have no doubt, had you known I was coming, you'd have found some reason to be out of the city. Which I remind you would have been just as futile now as it was in the past.” After a while, Twilight had taken to delivering responses to Blueblood's petitions in person, to disabuse any notion of pretending he hadn't gotten the response. They'd had to stop several petitions he was already underway with, by claiming he'd never received responses. After Twilight's first visit, Blueblood attempted to escape her. It hadn't worked.

“Princess, you wound me. I have most certainly learned my lesson.” he defended himself. “Can I offer you something?”

“No. And if you'd learned your lesson, you wouldn't be looking for a way to weasel your way away from me. However, I am willing to be fair. I have not quite mastered Princess Celestia's method of extracting confessions from ponies, and it can be quite messy if done incorrectly.” Blueblood swallowed. "So, this is how I am going to do it. I am very angry with you. I know why. You know I'm angry, but you don't know why. And you also know all the things I could potentially be angry with you over. So, why don't you start listing things and I'll tell you if you're getting warmer or colder?”

“And if I'd rather not?” he asked, brushing himself off. It didn't help, as Robert walked around the end of the pool and shook himself off, drenching the white unicorn. Twilight didn't even bother with a full shield. Half of a pink bubble appeared reflexively and fell without fanfare.

“Then I take what I have to Princess Celestia.” Twilight said. There were very few ponies Blueblood was really afraid of. Twilight was one, Celestia was another. And the less said about the delivery of the papers from Luna requesting he make an appearance to answer the charges of dereliction of her duties. He'd proceeded to go missing for two weeks, not appearing until after the case had been dismissed due to him not showing.

“Very well. Is it the housing development in Ponyville?” he asked.

“What housing development?”

“The one I attempted to put in, in place of an apple orchard. The rudest red pony ejected my lawyer rather suddenly. And would you believe the mayor refused to do anything about him?” Twilight took a calming breath.

“Warmer.”

“No? Hmm... It wouldn't be my urban renewal project would it? The one to tear down all those ugly woods and put up some nice clean concrete?” Blueblood suggested, levitating another drink out of the house.

“No. And colder.” Twilight fought to keep her eye from twitching. Doing so would not serve her purpose.

“Not the rail spur into the Griffon Kingdom.” Blueblood noted. "That one even garnered your support.”

“At least until you tried to force your own rail laying company in as the sole contractor.” Twilight pointed out. "I suppose it's lucky we caught that. The griffons don't take kindly to ponies who try to cut them out of profits. Also, much colder.”

“Indeed.” he paused, tapping his chin. "Perhaps something closer to home. he took a sip. Ah, perhaps the inner city restoration project. Yes, knocking down all those ugly old buildings and building some nice new ones.”

“THAT'S IT!” Twilight used the royal Canterlot voice at point blank range. "What on Equestria were you thinking trying to knock down historically protected buildings to put up shopping malls!” Blueblood fell backwards under the force of her voice and spent several minutes trying to clear his head.

“I really don't see the fuss over some rattling old buildings.” Twilight drew in a breath. Robert touched her shoulder.

“Patience, princess.” was all he said. Twilight released the breath.

“Alright Blueblood. I'm going to do you a big favor. I'm going to give you two days to rescind this idiocy. If you have done so in the appointed time, I will forget the other two things you have told me. If not, I will explain them in depth, to Princess Celestia. Of course, I might just stay up too late for day court...” Blueblood, through some miracle of comedy, managed to blanch. For a long moment, he was very nearly translucent.

“Of course, I did not realize you felt so strongly on the matter.” he was backpedaling for all he was worth. "I will of course reconsider my hasty proposal.”

“Thank you for your consideration.” Twilight smiled. "I will see you again Prince Bluebood.”

“I look forward to it.” his tone said that he very much did not. Twilight took wing, followed by Robert. Once they were well away and out of both ear shot and line of sight, he looked at her.

“How does Celestia get confessions?” he asked curiously.

“She simply sits down and gives them a disappointed look. Most ponies are terrified of disappointing her.” Twilight replied. "I can't do it, because most ponies aren't worried about disappointing me. Of course, she's also had several thousand years of practice.”

“Ah. Why would doing it wrong be messy?” he asked.

“It's only effective if it works. If I fail, then they know it doesn't work and it's harder if I have to do it again.” she answered, swooping down to avoid a flying machine. Robert flared his wings and dropped several feet instead. "That makes sense. I guess that means Fluttershy would be a master interrogator.”

“Yeah, probably. Twilight laughed. "That would be worth watching.

---

“She threatened me!” Blueblood complained. Celestia sighed.

“With what precisely?” she asked. Blueblood paused.

“Lying about some schemes of mine.” Blueblood replied vaguely.

“Could it be the attempt to pave the local wild life habitats? Or the attempt to take control of Ponyville by making yourself the largest landowner in the area?” Celestia asked. "Perhaps it was the attempt to get the mayor impeached so you could take control of the town, and thus the Elements?” Celestia's eyes narrowed slightly. "Or perhaps just perhaps, she's still angry enough over your treatment of her friend that she's willing to make up something?”

“That last one sounds right.” Blueblood said. "I was rather offensive.” Celestia's eye twitched. She drew in a breath. No one stopped her. The only motion was that of the guards hastily jamming earplugs into their ears.

Several minutes later, a punch drunk Blueblood staggered out of the Princess' private office. He bumped one of the guards, came upright and proceeded to flee. Or attempt. He kept hitting things. One of the guards inside stepped out, and had a word with the guards outside. The pair of them trotted after the wayward noble, and braced him upright. Then they escorted him home. Several more guards arrived to take the positions of the two interior and the two exterior guards. The two who had been inside went to have a lie-down, after having the wax removed from their melted earplugs.

“I suspect, sister, that talking down will keep him out of trouble.” Luna said, stepping from the shadows. The guards were unphased. They'd seen it before.

“I hope so. My informant said Twilight barely kept calm.” Celestia replied, rubbing an ear.

“The butler you mean.”

“Yes, the butler.” Most ponies didn't know it, but the only school in Equestria that trained butlers was founded by Celestia. And every Butler it produced was wholly loyal, trust-worthy and absolutely would not blab a single word, or other mention of any black deed or mis-step made by an employer. Except to the princesses. No one ever suspected the butler, and they were so often the one to clean up any 'messes' made by their employers. She'd found out that it was easier to ensure the absolute loyalty of the butlers in the kingdom, than to try and infiltrate spies into every noble house. Powerful nobles would go without a leg more readily than without a butler. It was the reason she kept one, though his duties were mostly ceremonial rather than necessary. Luna had one, though his duties were far less ceremonial, but that was Luna's traditionalist nature. It wasn't as though an Alicorn really needed anything. Cadance had one, though exactly what her butler did was unclear. Shining Armor seemed reluctant to explain, and Celestia had decided not to pry. As for Twilight... well, it was easier to simply add the already incredibly loyal Spike to the roster as an official butler. He'd enjoyed the ceremony, and had passed the final test with the highest score ever recorded. Several of the others had been rather surprised, until he explained he worked for Twilight Sparkle. Since she'd never had a butler she hadn't driven off in a few hours. Except for Spike. They'd tried to give him a medal.

“Sister?”

“Sorry, just expositioning.” Celestia responded. "Where were we?”

“Discussing Blueblood and your attempts to keep Twilight from banishing him to the moon?” Luna said.

“Oh, right. She worked that out on her own you know?” Celestia said. "Wasn't even a project. Something she did over a long weekend.” She was both proud, and depressed. Luna noticed.

“What?”

“I'm just.. I had to rely on the elements to do it, and she figured out how one unicorn and a few low level magical instruments could have done the same thing.” Celestia shook her head.

“In combat?” Luna asked doubtfully.

“While being strangled.” Celestia sighed. "What was that quote about genius and insanity?”

“There's a fine line between them?” Luna asked. “Ah. I see. I wouldn't worry. Unlike your genius sister, Twilight has friends.”

“Was that what you needed?” Celestia wondered. "Would it have made a difference?”

“I don't think we'll ever know, but it might have. Which is why I've been making whatever friends I can.” Luna said. "It's pretty hard to do you know.”

“Yes. I do indeed know.” Celestia shook her head. "We should not be moping.”

“Then what should we be doing?”

“Celebrating.”

“What are we celebrating?” Luna wondered aloud.

“We, are celebrating Twilight successfully navigating the bureaucratic maze of the Equestrian legal system.” Celestia rummaged in her desk. Two tumblers appeared. She rummaged for several more minutes. "I could have sworn I had a bottle in here.”

“It wasn't a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres Special Reserve was it?” Luna said, peering into the trash can. Celestia's face fell.

“Yes.”

“It would appear someone else had some.” the bottle floated out in a silvery aura. “And left naught but the bottle behind.”

“That was my last bottle.” Celestia glared, melting the bottle. The molten glass proceeded to set the trashcan on fire, a moment before one of the guards put it out with a sand bucket. One did not guard the princess of the sun without firefighting equipment handy. “Come sister. We hunt! a deer stalker appeared on Celestia's head.” She started towards the door, clicking. Suddenly she was covered with fuzzy slippers.

“Be vewy, vewy quiet, we'we hunting alcohowics.” Luna said, giggling madly. Celestia raised an eyebrow, shook her head, and tip toed out in her pink slippers.