Prologue

Luna had gotten her wish. An entire city to rule as she saw fit. It was Celestia’s test. A test to see if she had truly reformed. A test to see what kind of ruler she could be. She quickly found out.

Within weeks of the proclamation, the citizens of Whinnyappleous, were treated to a visit from their new monarch. A visit which turned out to be permanent. Luna gave a grand speech telling the citizens about the beginning of a glorious new age for Equestria. A new age that would begin here. The public cheered.

She went on to say that from this day forward, since she was the Princess of the Moon, that her new home city would reflect that. And so time itself would be sped up inside the city limits to remove the day. From dusk that day the city would be one of eternal night. This the public did not cheer. Many of them left in droves. Luna expected that.

It was shortly thereafter that posters and advertisements began appearing in all of the populated hubs of Equestria. Offers of new beginnings in Luna’s new ‘city of night’. The offer of good paying jobs, and new homes with low rents pulled the lower middle class in in droves. Luna expected that as well. This was what she wanted. Ponies who were hungry for a better life. Ponies who didn’t care whether it was daylight or dark.

But it wasn’t just ponies that Luna invited. She extended her offer to any and all intelligent species. Griffins, Diamond Dogs, Minotaurs, Dragons, even Changelings. All were welcome in Luna’s city. Her vision, she said, was of a “Harmonious future, where all races stood as equals”. This statement was greeted by many as the true essence of friendship that Celestia had been speaking of for years. Only a minority took it as a rock being thrown toward her sister, who only seemed to be concerned with the pony race.

What wasn’t remarked upon in the beginning, was the long term effects of the passage of time inside Luna’s city. With time passing twice as fast inside her dome of night, it meant that all of Luna’s various projects were coming to fruition in half the time as they would have on the outside. Within twenty years ‘suntime’, the city of Whinnyappleous had undergone technological advancement far ahead of any other city in Equestria.

Luna’s ideals of ‘clean, safe, sources of energy’, had led to the wonders of M.I.S. (Magically Induced Steam). All it took was a simple water boiling spell that any unicorn could perform, to power any and all steam driven turbines.

Soon there were free transportation for all, from city run steam buses. All home and streets were lit by steam driven electric generators. All Luna ask in return was that once a year, each ponies donated just a few of their bits to pay for the labors of the ponies who dedicated their time to maintaining the spells. This the population agreed to gladly. It was the least they could do to show their appreciation to all those who made their lives easier.

The next great advancement was ponaudio. From a tall metal tower that stood on the top of Luna’s new castle, ponaudio waves could be broadcast to any ponaudio receiver within the city limits. And Luna provided receivers for free to all the citizens. All she ask in return once again, was just a few bits per year to pay for the upkeep of all the equipment, and once again the citizens considered it a small price to pay for what they were given in return. At any time of the night, any pony could turn on their ponaudio and be greeted with a variety of entertainment. Audio dramas, and comedies, sales at their favorite stores, and music of every type. All for free.

Yes, on the surface of it, it seemed Luna had done it. As far as the majority of Equestria knew, she had created a utopia of easy living in a city where all species coexisted side by side in peace and harmony. Her popularity had risen higher and higher. The side effect of this of course, was that Celestia’s popularity had begun to decline. But Celestia sat unperturbed inside her castle at Canterlot, she knew from experience that things were seldom as they appeared on the surface. And in this, SHE was right...

Chapter 1

Sundays Aren’t Fun Days

It was Sunday, four in the secondnight. The absolute worst time of the secondnight, on the absolute worst day of the week. Meh, why did Luna even still call it ‘Sun’ ‘day’, there hasn’t been either one in over twenty years. A human once wrote that Sunday four in the evening was ‘The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul’. I hate humans. Won’t try to deny it. Round ‘em all up, and send them back through the portals I say. But just this once, I’d have to agree with one.

I was sitting in my office. The spring of my well worn office chair creaking faintly as I rocked it back and forth, with just a hint of impatience. This earned me a glare from my secretary, who was using the magic of her horn to remove what I dearly hoped to be only metal slugs from my side.

The slugs, painful as they were, were not the main thing on my mind at the moment. Neither was the tooth sitting on my desk that had formerly resided comfortably inside my lower right jaw. In my line of work these things are considered an ‘occupational hazard’. I’m a private eye, if the magnifying glass on my flank didn’t tip you off.

There’s about a hundred or so of us out there. Well, a hundred or so from week to week. Some of us drop off the grid, some of us fall victim to those ‘occupational hazards’ I mentioned, but always there’s some young buck or filly, bright eyed with a sense of justice, who comes along to fill their gumshoes.

In this city, it only takes a month or so to weed out these optimists. Either they cut and run for another, safer, city like Manehatten, or Fillydelphia, or they stay on and become hard and bitter. I’ve been a P.I. here for ten years, if THAT tells you anything.

I flinch involuntarily, as my secretary/nurse lifts another bullet out of my side with her magic. For the hundredth time I silently thank Luna that she still sticks around.

“I swear Johnny, this is the last time. The last motherbucking time!” she says, her eyes brimming with tears as she works. It’s those tears that hurt me worse than anything those diamond dog goons could do to me. Tears that spill for my sake. Tears I don’t deserve, and never will.

She stops working and let’s out an involuntary gasp. I can tell it’s something bad. And I’m pretty sure I know what it is.

“Wood?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even.

“Yes,” she replies, trying to regain her composure. “It’s going to be bad Johnny. I’m sorry.”

I take a long pull from the bottle of hard cider that sits on the edge of my desk, wait a moment, and then have another.

“Do what you have to do, Ori.” I say, stroking her mane.

Wooden bullets. Gods I hate diamond dogs. Leave it to them to develop the most nasty type of slug to use in one of Luna’s M.I.S.P.P.L.’s (Magically Induced Steam, Portable Projectile Launcher). A simple metal slug leaves a nice neat hole in front, (not so much out the back), but those sun damned diamond dogs came up with a wooden one with a small crystal shaft in the center that splinters as it enters the body. It’s almost always non lethal, but it’s a bitch to remove. You have to cut all the little jagged hunks of wood out. Luna’s policing force have taken to calling them ‘spite rounds’. This was going to hurt. A lot. Buck you, diamond dogs.

I try not to think about it. Instead I focus on the mane of my secretary, one of the few ponies I can trust in this night cursed city. Ori was pure class. As the alcohol finally starts to kick in, my thoughts drift back to the night we met.

I used to play piano at a local nightclub (in this city, they are ALL nightclubs), before I managed to get my P.I. license approved for work in Luna’s city.

She came into the club late one Friday secondnight. I knew immediately that she was new in town. She kept looking at the patrons. Not staring at them, for which I gave her credit, just looking at them, surprised to see them all in one place. It was the usual crowd for a Friday. Lots of earth ponies, (the majority of ponies who took up Luna’s invitation for a better life), a few unicorns like myself, and one or two pegasi who were slumming for the night. But it was the bars other patrons that had caught her attention. There were two minotaurs arm wrestling in a corner. A changeling chatting up a particularly lovely griffin, several diamond dogs were getting fresh with one of the waitresses, who responded by dumping a pitcher of cider over the fat one’s head before stomping off. There was even a human sitting in a corner table with something I couldn’t even identify. It looked like a large round ball of pink fur. He (the human that is), was actually a semi-regular, and one of the biggest jerks I ever met. But he was fair about it. Hated his own race as much as any other. And it was for that reason that he was the only human I even came close to liking.

I knew why he was here. One of his friends was singing tonight. In the old days she was a real big deal. But like Luna, she had reformed. I heard that she and the human and that pink thing, had recently moved to the city. Later when I asked him why, he said it reminds him of home. I refrained from asking why he didn’t just go back there... like I said, I almost liked the guy.

Anyway, Ori walks into the bar, looks around for a bit, goes up to the bar and gets a drink. By this time I get the nod from the stage manager, and start playing the opening number as the curtain parts and Queen Chrysalis walks slowly out on stage. She’s wearing a low cut, sinfully red evening gown, with sequins. As the opening bars of ‘Unforgivable’ come spilling out of my piano, she begins to walk out into the audience.

She looks at all those assembled before her and smiles lasciviously as she sings,

“Unforgivable,

That's what you are,

Unforgivable...

Tho' near or far.

Like a lingering taint that clings to me,

How the thought of you, does these things to me.

Not ever before,

Has someone been more...

Unforgivable,

In every way...

And forever more,

That's how you'll stay...

That's why, darling, it's so regrettable,

That somepony so unforgivable,

Thinks that I’m...

Unforgivable, too...”

As the interlude begins, she starts making her rounds from table to table, her form changing to whatever each patron she approaches wants to see the most.

“Howdy Diamond Jim,” she says to the fat diamond dog, who recently received a cider bath. “How’s the luck tonight?”

“Ruff,” Jim replies, earning him a laugh, and a smile.

“And how about you big fellah,” she says, approaching a huge muscular Pegasus, with tiny wings. “Having a good time?”

“YEAH!” he shouts in reply.

“That’s good, just don’t pop a vein on me now,” she says toying with his mane, causing the completely white Pegasus to blush crimson.

She trots back onstage as the interlude ends to finish,

“Unforgivable...

In every way,

And forever more...

That's how you'll stay.

That's why, darling, it's so regrettable,

That somepony so unforgivable,

Thinks that I am...

Unforgivable, too...”

A thundering of applause resounds off the walls as Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, takes a deep full bow, all the while sucking in the excess love and adoration of all those around her. Beside me I hear the rustle of fabric as someone settles into the single seated table that the barkeep wedged in beside the piano, to get that one last extra bit from a customer. A quick glance to the side informs me that it’s the new girl from the bar. What’s more, she seems to be looking more at me than at the stage. Interesting...

“You play quite well,” she says, sipping her drink. Something with more fruit in it than alcohol.

“Thanks,” I say, still more focused on what I’m doing than what she’s saying.

“I’m Ori by the way,” she says, trying to keep the conversation alive.

I miss a note for the first time that I can remember. Not that I haven’t heard more unusual names than hers. You’d be amazed at what some parents will do to their children. No, see I got this thing, a talent. I can always tell when someone is lying to me. It doesn’t matter what species they are, or how good at it they’ve become, it’s just something I know. This comes in real handy in my current profession, and in my REAL profession as well.

So when this fresh of the bus young thing sidles up to me and says her name is Ori, and that little voice in my head starts saying ‘she’s lying’ and ‘telling the truth’ at the same time, it catches me off guard. VERY interesting...

“They call me Johnny,” I say by way of reply.

“Well Johnny,” she says, “would it be terribly forward of me, if I offered to buy you a drink?” She asks, trying to sound casual about it.

“Sure,” I say, “if you are still here when I finish my shift.” I glance at her out of the corner of my eye, trying to gauge her interest as I continue to play. She offers up a smile, and turns to watch the show.

Between sets we engaged in small talk, ‘what’s a nice mare like you, yadda, yadda,’ neither of us really saying anything. It was more about the body language. And with a body like hers, she could have been speaking zebra and I would’ve got the message. Finally after what seemed like a week, my shift ended. As I rose from my piano stool, she rose with me, grabbing her coat.

“What about that drink?” I ask. I was actually looking forward to trying that fruit filled concoction that she had been nursing for the last few hours. It was making me hungry.

“Why don’t I make you one at my place?” she says.

Suddenly my appetite increased dramatically, and the fruit became optional. I started toward the door, but she stops me with a hoof on my arm.

“Is there another way out of here? She asks. “Something more... discreet?”

Oh ho, somepony cares about their image. Doesn’t want to be seen strutting out with the piano player. My eyes drift over her once again. Her rich mocha coat, eyes like emeralds, that dark brown mane, and an ass you could bounce a ten bit coin off of.

“Sure,” I say. “Allow me to escort you to the stage door in back.” Hey, I got no shame. If this dame was any hotter, the sprinklers would go off.

We emerged into the back alley. The sole source of illumination was the light directly above the door. No sooner had the door closed and our hooves hit the cobblestones than a low guttural voice emerges from the darkness.

“Annnd gotcha.” it says.

From the deeper gloom of the alleyway a middle aged diamond dog in one of the most tastelessly tacky suits I've ever seen, moves to the edge of the circle of light thrown off by the streetlight above. Flanking him on either side are two other diamond dogs. These specimens are about a foot taller, bulky and muscular, and by the looks of things about as bright as the alley they emerged from. Their naked brutish forms just screamed ‘goon’.

Standing where they were, at least a lunge and five paces out of reach, you could tell they had done this before. Not to mention that they were blocking the only way out of the alley. Well, the only way out of the alley for THEM.

Their appearance had an immediate effect on my companion.

“B-but how did you find me? I was sure that no one followed me here.” She said, her voice desperate.

The older diamond dog in the back merely tapped the side of his nose.

“Lady,” he says, his eyes drinking in the sight of her. “You may be long on looks, but you gotta be short on brains. This nose has been tracking your scent ever since you left dat apartment you been stayin at. Now word has it that you been sticking YOUR nose, where it don’t belong. My boss, he don’t like that. He’s a real PRIVATE kind of guy. So he pulls me inna his office and asks me real nice like if I, and a couple of my friends, would be so good as to track you down and kill you, just as a warning not to do dat no more. I’m like sure, nothing good on the ponaudio, so here we are. Now your friend here, him I got no steer with, if you wanna go, then go. Or stay and play da hero, and we kill youse too. I’m good either way, take a minute an talk it over.”

By Celestia diamond dogs are stupid!

I whisper to Ori, “when I give the word, just teleport out of here.”

“I-I’m not really good at that.” She whispers back in a frightened tone.

Oh for the Love of Luna, the things I go through to make the ‘plot’ thicken.

“Fine,” I whisper back, “just stay put ‘till I get there,” I say, and then I do something very few unicorns can do. I teleport someone else away, and stay where I was. This DID NOT sit well with my new friends.

The dog in back rips his fedora off his head and throws it down on the ground in front of him, stomping on it in anger. Really, it can only improve the look of it.

“You dirty no good yeti bucking son of a goat!” he says, reaching into his blazer and pulling out a large caliber M.I.S.P.P.L., and pointing it in my direction.

I am insulted. Some of my former friends were goats. As for the yeti thing, well... it was a party... and it was dark... and I had too much cider... Way too much cider...

“My young friend, two things are about to happen.” The poorly dressed dog was saying. “First, you are going to tell me where you sent the dame. Then, we are going to kill you... A lot.”

“Shouldn’t that be OR you’re going to kill me a lot?” I ask.

“Look wise ass,” he says, losing his patience, “evidently you don’t know who you’re dealing with. There are worse things than being beaten to death. I’ll have youse know that I am the right paw dog for da ‘Butcher’ himself!”

Oh Luna’s Sweet Nethers of Darkness! So much for just teleporting away.

“Really?” I say, sounding impressed. I concentrate for a moment and silently teleport, but not too far. The next thing Mr ‘fashion sense’ feels is the cold brass muzzle of my M.I.S.P.P.L. pressed against his cheek.

“Well I’m Carmane Santihaygo... Guess where I am?” I say, before splattering the wall with diamond dog brains and really cheap cologne. As his headless body falls to the pavement I quickly move directly between the two goons.

“Hi fellas, how’s the health plan?” Almost as if they were operating with one mind, (which is half a brain more than I gave them credit for), they raise their own weapons in unison, and point them at either side of my head. As their paws squeeze on the triggers I teleport back to my original position, just in time to see a large hole appear in each of their chests. “Sheesh, apparently it’s great.” I add.

Gods diamond dogs are dumb.

I take a few moments to take stock of the situation. In Whinnyappleous there is a short list of beings that you did NOT get on the wrong side of. Luna was at the top, but ‘The Butcher’ was only four names lower. He was almost an urban myth. No pony knew his real name, or where his base of operations was. But he was here, in this city. All the carnivores in the city knew about him, when they wanted meat, he was the only game in town. And it was widely known that Pony was definitely on the menu. They say life is cheap in Manehatten, heh, in Whinnyappleous it was sold by the pound.

I look at the mess around me. Not too bad. No way to hide the scent trail that led them here, but in about thirty minutes when all the performers leave, they’ll be no way to pick out mine and Ori’s scents. Going to have to clean up the bodies though. No help for it, I’m going to have to do something I shouldn’t. I case the rest of the alley to make absolutely sure there is no one to see what I’m about to do. Even a career homeless would go screaming to Luna’s tower if they witnessed what was about to occur. Once I am satisfied I’m not being watched, I unleash the ‘Creeping Death’ spell on the corpses, and again on the brain splattered wall.

Now the slow version of this spell causes a slow and agonizing death to the victim, as everything organic it comes in contact with disintegrates into free oxygen. It’s amazingly good for interrogation. I used an accelerated version, that quickly removed all traces that the trio were ever here, except for the few non organic items that they had been carrying. I threw the belt buckle and zipper from the cheap suit in a nearby trash can, kept the guns, and then stopped still, looking at the golden mound left over as the last of Mr. ‘fashion sense’ dissolved into the ether.

Holy crap! Holy Goddess Crap! Bits. LOTS of bits. Lots of high denomination bits. Hell, I’d never even seen a five hundred bit coin before, let alone a PILE of them. There was far more here than for a simple hit. I was looking at a pile of blood money pure and simple. The payoff for ponies lives. Lives that were turned into food for diamond dogs, and wendigo’s and... humans. By all the gods, THAT was what I hated about humans the most. A lion, or Ursa, or even a diamond dog was just following it’s nature. It was born a carnivore, it HAD to eat meat. But a human... A human had a choice. They could chose a vegetarian lifestyle if they wanted to. And I heard that on the other side of the portal some of them do. But I have yet to see one of them in THIS city chowing down on a hayburger. Sick twisted bastards every one of them. CHOOSING to consume the flesh of other animals. It sends a shudder down my spine just thinking about it. I looked down at the pile of shiny clean bits, I could practically hear the wail of lost souls drifting up from it, crying for justice. Then I scooped them all up and stuffed them in the pockets of my suit. Well of course I kept them. Lost souls don’t need to pay the rent, and I had an identity I needed to establish, but if it helps, I felt really bad about doing it. Besides that I had the feeling that some of this was going to be needed for a large bribe very soon.

I did a quick scan of the area, made sure I didn’t miss anything, and then teleported home. Ori was still there, good. She was sitting quietly on my thrift store sofa, trying to compose herself. I wasted no time shattering that.

“You set me up!” I accuse, startling her. I learned quiet teleportation as part of my training before I came here. Like the ‘Creeping Death’, I’ve found it very useful, especially when you want to catch someone off guard. I expected a denial from her, or maybe her bursting into tears, instead I get the truth. Or at least that’s what the thing in my head was telling me.

“Yes, I came to that club to see you specifically. And yes, I knew those thugs were after me, but you have to believe me, I DIDN’T know that they followed me to you.”

That last part rang true, and it calmed me down somewhat.

“Alright. Let’s say I believe you. Why were you coming to see me of all ponies, I don’t know you, never set eyes on you before. Believe me, I’d remember. And how in Luna’s Darkest Night did you get on the wrong side of ‘The Butcher’?” I ask, as I fall bonelessly into the chair across from her, the adrenaline rush from recent events finally beginning to ebb away.

“I am on,” she says, almost dramatically, “a mission from Maud.”

I wait a moment, expecting more. When I don’t get it, I force myself to ask. “Okay, and who is Maud?”

“You don’t know?” she asks startled. “I assumed you did, it was her and Celestia that told me to make contact with you when I got here.”

“Celestia?!? Oh hells no,” I think to myself. “She wouldn’t. No, no way. There’s no way that she would jeopardize all that work, all those months of training and sacrifice, all the effort to get me in here unnoticed just to help out some charity case.” I was apparently lost in mental rage for longer than I thought, because the next thing I hear is.

“Are you okay? Did you remember something?” Ori (and that name is still open to debate), asks, her voice sounding concerned.

“It’s nothing,” I say shrugging it off. “Look just tell me from the beginning. Why are you here?”

“Alright. It’s simple enough. A little over a week ago... suntime, I guess is your term for time passing on the outside, or a two weeks ago darktime, if you prefer.” she says, trying to appease. I wave her to continue. “Anyway, my younger sister decided to move to the city. She kept seeing all the pony propaganda that Luna was displaying all over Equestria. After our father Apple Butter, died in the last Changling ‘peacekeeping initiative’, our mother Maud, moved us back to the family farm. Now I’ll be the first to admit it was boring, but to my younger sister who had only known the high society of Canterlot, it was positively stifling.

She would spend hours every day trying to persuade mom to move back. But mom could be as stubborn as a rock at times. She wanted nothing more to do with the Canterlot that she blamed for taking her husband away, and she was determined that her daughter was going to have no part of it as well. It was not long after that posters and fliers had begin to circulate about what was going on in Whinnyappleous. In almost no time Cocoa, that was my sister’s name, changed her focus to the idea of starting over here. She tried and tried to get mom to leave, but she remained adamant. As far as she was concerned, the farm was going to be where she stayed until her dying day.

Well, like I said, a little over a week ago ‘suntime’, we woke up to find that she had gone. She left a note saying how much she loved us, but that she was moving to Luna’s city. She told us she would write as soon as she was able. Mom became frantic with worry, and so did I. Cocoa was barely older than a filly, and she was going to try to make it on her own in an unknown city? She had to find her somehow, so she called up her sister.”

“And who was her sister?” I ask, interrupting. She looks at me like I have lost my mind.

“Oh come on now. You HAVE to know who her sister is! Every pony knows Pinkie Pie. One of the six heroes that defeated Nightmare Moon, Queen Chrysalis, Discord, Tirek. What, were you raised under a rock?” She asks me scandalized.

Finally the bit dropped. Maud PIE, sister to Pinkie Pie. No wonder Celestia got involved. Aside from being heroes, those six were her personal friends. She’d never refuse a request from one of the six. And Ori here was a blood relative of one of them.

“Ori isn’t your real name.” I asked, taking a stab in the dark.

“Well, kind of,” she replies. May real name is Shea. Shea Butter. But I didn’t want to use my real name here in case my sister was trying to hide from us, so the name I registered as was Ori. It means the same thing.” She adds.

“That explains it,” I think to myself. That’s what the thing in my head was reacting to. It’s kind of like the ‘Derpy, ‘Ditzy Doo’ thing. But she’ll always be Derpy to me... seven more years, just seven more years...

I shake myself from my thoughts, “go on,” I say.

“Well, two days after my mom contacted her sister, a letter arrived from Celestia herself. She told us to make contact with you once we go to the city, and that you would take care of the rest. That you were good at this sort of thing.” She looks over at me as I facehoof, silently cursing Celestia. “Well, mom had been getting on in years, and Whinnyapplous was a long way from the farm, even by train. So I told her that I could handle it on my own.” She eyes me critically for a moment. “Now before you say anything, I’m no frail filly. I was born and raised on a rock farm. I’m plenty strong and tough. Strong as any full bred earth pony.” she says proudly.

I shake my head. Why does every pony from mixed parents feel the need to prove themselves? “So then what happened?” I ask, diverting the subject.

“Well, mom was reluctant at first, but she knew that unlike my sister, that I could take care of myself. I made my way to the city, registered as Ori, and found myself a place to stay. Now looking back I probably should have looked you up as soon as I got here. But well, I wanted to at least TRY to find her on my own. Just a few days, I told myself. If I couldn’t, then I would come and find you.

So I started my search, asked around the bus hubs, and restaurants, showed pictures of her to Luna’s policing force. With no results. On the second day I started checking the less reputable places, the liquor stores, and the night clubs, just on the outside chance that some pony had seen her. It was while I was asking patrons in line outside of a club, that a voice called to me from an alleyway. There was a homeless pony just outside of the lights from the street. He had seen my sister! Two days ago she had stopped and given him a few bits for soup. My sister always had a kind heart. But, the pony said, as she had left, he saw that she was being followed by some very tough looking ponies. He said they worked for somepony called ‘The Butcher’. I asked him more about this ‘Butcher’, but he shark away from me, and just said “you stay away from him missy, he’s bad, real bad. If your sister got mixed up with him, then she’s already dead.”

Now I became alarmed. I thought the worst that could have happened to her was that she was out of work, maybe without food or a place to stay. I had no idea that this city was so... dangerous. Well, now that I had a lead, I started making inquires on where I could find this ‘Butcher’. That was yesterday. This morning when I was coming back from breakfast I saw those three toughs outside my apartment. That’s when I knew I was in over my head, and came looking for you. You weren’t home when I finally made it to the address that Celestia gave mom, but your landlady told me where you worked, so I came there. I was going to wait until you got off work and came here to tell you all this, but they were waiting for us. You know the rest.”

I nodded. “They probably got tired of waiting, and busted in your place. Once they had your scent, they just circled around until they picked it up and followed you here.”

“What am I going to do? Those goons will just find me again. I have to find my sister!” she says frantically.

“Calm down. Calm down.” I reply soothingly. “You don’t have to worry about those three any longer. They are gone, and won’t be back,” I tell her truthfully. (Well unless you count accidentally breathing them, in the air).

I get up and walk to the fridge. I buy my hard cider in bulk, saves time and money. I pull out a half gallon jug, grab two mostly clean glasses and pour us a drink.

“I-I’m not really a heavy drinker.” she says, accepting the proffered glass in spite of her words.

“Just sip it, it’ll help calm your nerves,” I say. “Just sit here for a little while, listen to the ponaudio if you like.” I say indicating the set on a side table. “I’m going in the other room and get in touch with my boss. Then after that, I’ll see what I can find out about your sister.” I tell her this and feel bad. I already know what happened to her sister. But if I just tell her, without doing ANYTHING, then she won’t believe me. And besides, I really did want to have a few words with my boss. I make sure she understands how to work the ponaudio, and then make my way into the bedroom and lock the door.

I sit at a small desk next to my dilapidated bed, both also from the nearby thrift store, and begin to write.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that diamond dogs were really, really stupid, and also that they have no fashion sense.

Also, WHAT THE BUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?

Are you TRYING to blow my cover? Do you WANT to get me killed by the ‘Butcher’?

I’ve got a clueless half unicorn sitting on my sofa who thinks I’m going to somehow find her sister for her. The only way I’m going to find her sister at this point is if I buy up all the illegal hamburgers in town and do an identity spell on them! And now, NOW, I’m going to have to contact ‘The Butcher’ and make sure he doesn’t put a hit on me, oh, and somehow get him to call off the one on the still living sister.

SERIOUSLY... WHAT THE BUCK?!?

P.S. Thank you for the muffins, they were delicious as always. Please deduct the price of a red velvet cake from next weeks pay stipend and enjoy it.

Yours under threat of death,

D.”

I reach into a drawer in the desk and pull out a simple white candle. I place it in a holder on my desk and light it. Moments later I let the letter burn, as the magic of the candle sends it directly to Celestia. I wait, watching the flickering of the candle flame. Within five minutes, the flame rises as I get my reply.

I deftly snatch the letter out of the air with practiced ease, and by the light of the candle I begin to read.

“Dear Tenacious D,

Yes, diamond dogs can seem to be silly creatures at times from a pony perspective, but they are as the creator made them, so one shouldn’t make disparaging remarks based on their nature. That being said, feel free to make disparaging remarks on INDIVIDUALS as you see fit.

Also, I’M YOUR BUCKING BOSS! THE DAY YOU GET WINGS TO GO WITH THAT HORN AND A CROWN AROUND IT, THEN YOU CAN RUN YOUR MOUTH! UNTIL THEN IT’S

“YES MA’AM, NO MA’AM, MY YOU ARE CERTAINLY LOOKING YOUNG AND SEXY TODAY, PLEASE HAVE SOME BUCKING CAKE!”

“Look my lovely, I was asked to do this by Pinkie Pie herself. And before you say a word, yes, there may or may not have been cake involved. But the point is, there was no realistic way I could turn down her request for help. And if I sent anyone ‘official’ inside, it would draw attention to our operation, and risk upsetting the apple cart. So be a good little colt, and sort it all out wont you? Now just this once, because it’s a favor, I have added an extra thousand bits to your account, which you can withdraw immediately as needed to smooth over matters with ‘The Butcher’. He’s been on THE LIST for awhile now, but you are not allowed to ‘do anything’ about him until our objectives are met. After that however, I will add a rather large bonus to your account the moment his name is checked off it.

Oh and another thing. DO NOT sleep with the sister. I’m serious about this. She is a blood relative to one of the six, and under no circumstances is your bloodline allowed the chance to mingle with one of theirs. To make sure you take me seriously on this, CIRIX METRAXIS ENUM.”

Oh, that sneaky flying rat. I look down as the spell lifts off the page, activated by my reading it, it moves down to my arm and the runes of previous spells flair into visibility. Painlessly the new spell weaves itself into the pattern that already exists, and then they all fade away. I return to reading.

“Hah, by ME you are sooo easy! That was an addendum to your death spell. You now have an INCENTIVE not to sleep with her. If it really becomes a problem, I’ve enclosed some pictures to make things easier for you. ;)

P.S. Thank you so much for the cake. In your next shipment of muffins, expect some wonderful coffee beans that one of my traders has found in a place called Jamareca. I think you will find it to your liking.

Thinking of you fondly,

DJ Big Momma C.”

Ooh, new coffee, I perk my ears up. She certainly is a thoughtful malicious flying bitch queen. Now I need to do something really nice for her for her next birthday. Hmm, what do old ponies like? I causally glace at one of the pictures she sent. My face goes beet red. Apparently what old ponies like is the same thing YOUNG ponies like. Freeow! That’s a keeper...

Tucking the letter and pictures under my mattress, I silently teleported three blocks away and thirty feet down. I was on the 113th street undertrain station platform. The undertrains were another wonderful innovation of Whinnyappleous. Fast moving steam powered trains that ran underneath the city itself. Below the train level was the vast network of the Whinnyappleous sewer system, and below THAT was ‘The Shaft’. The Shaft ran vertically straight down over a mile and then branched out into the vast network of the copper and tin mines where the materials for all of Luna’s steam powered technology came from. I had no intention of going any lower than I was though. I was looking for someone, and it only took me a moment to find him. Actually, it looked like he had spotted me first because he was making his why through the crowd in my direction, when he got to the edge of the stairway where I was standing he carefully began tucking the wallets and coin purses he picked up along the way into the many pockets of his tattered coat. He was the only pony I knew whose cutie mark was that of a hoof with a bit stuck to it.

“Evening Easy,” I say. Much like myself that isn’t his real name, but in his case he just liked being called ‘Easy Money’.

“Johnathan! To what do I owe the pleasure of such esteemed company?” He says by way of return.

I shake my head. Even after all these years in Luna’s city he still talks like the Hayvard professor he used to be. Why he is here as a common grifter is a mystery I never solved. His I.Q. is off the chart, he could name his post in either Celestia's or Luna’s cabinet, and I told him as much. He just laughed at me and told me he was EXACTLY where he was always meant to be. Thing is, he said it with such certainty and conviction that I have to assume he must be right. I mean hey, he’s smarter than I am, whose to say he isn’t right?

“I need a favor Easy. A bad nasty, really wish I wasn’t about to ask for it favor. And you are the only pony I know who can get it done.” I say grim faced.

“That’s not a good look for you Johnathan.” He says shaking his head. “That’s the look of fear combined with altruism. The first is good and healthy in this city, the second will get you killed.”

“Yeah, I know, but I got no choice. By proxy I am on...” Jeez, this time I was the one pausing dramatically, “A mission from Maud.”

This caused an immediate reaction from my friend. Without another word he grabs the lapels of my jacket and drags me deeper into the shadows. “Maud Pie has a mission for you of all ponies?” he asks in disbelief. “Whole story. You, spill, now.” He says piercing me with his gaze. Over the course of the next few minutes I tell him the whole thing, excluding the parts about Celestia, my real job, and my ‘special’ abilities. He listens intently, only interrupting to clarify certain points. I lie when I have to, he knows when I do, he also knows that if I am lying then it’s because I have to, and I know he knows this. Conversations between the two of us invariably end with me getting a headache, he of course has no problem keeping up.

“So, let me see if I can deduce why you have come to me,” He says finally. “You need me to get word to the Butcher that A. He wont have any more problems from a certain curious young mare. B. Three of his henchmen will no longer be returning. C. That you are both VERY SORRY for any inconvenience that you have caused him, and D. If he would be so kind as to let both matters drop, that a large cash gratuity would shortly find it’s way into his possession. Does that about sum things up?” he asks.

I simply nod in agreement.

“The only question I have left is how large a gratuity are we talking about? The goons he lost wont really bother him, he has more goons than he can count... literally. I mean they just keep breeding down there... however the loss of face, now THAT he wont like. I’m not sure you can afford the cost of forgiveness on this one.” He says sadly.

I name an amount. It’s the entire thousand Celestia gave me, as well as over half the blood money I found on the bodies. I still had enough left over, if I was smart with it, to finance my Detective Agency. Of course that all depends on what happens in the next few hours. “And he isn’t really losing face,” I add wheedling, “his goons said that the hit was just a warning not to go snooping into his business. I think we can safely say that it won’t ever happen again.” Well, not that The Butcher will ever know about it, I think to myself. Something must have shown on my face, because Easy gave me one of those long looks of his.

“Riiiight.” he says. “Well, putting it that way, and giving the rather generous amount of compensation that I will in no way inquire as to how you came to posses. I think that it might be enough for you to squeak by.”

“When will I know for sure?” I ask. I don’t want to be pushy, but until I know otherwise, I have to assume I am in some pony’s cross hairs.

“Meet me here in say, two hours. I’ll either give you good news, or a head start.” Easy reaches out a hoof and shakes mine, his hoof comes away with one of the five hundred bit coins I recently acquired.

This isn’t the safest thing I ever asked him to do, and it sure isn’t the safest thing I ever did. Technically speaking The Butcher didn’t know a thing about me. The easiest thing I could have done was kill the goons, take the money, teleport back home, kill the dame, and fugeddaboudit. And maybe if my training had stuck better that’s what I would have done. But there’s this annoying thing in my head that forces me to be stupid. It starts with a ‘C’ and ends with me needing a long drink. So with nothing else to do I teleport back. I open my bedroom door and return to the living room, an excuse ready on my lips for what has taken me so long. Turns out I didn’t need it. What I did need was to go to the fridge and get out another bottle of cider. This was due to the mysterious disappearance of the entire half gallon that I had left out on the table. It didn’t take a massive amount of my detective skills to deduce that the culprit was most likely the unconscious mare sprawled across my sofa. Apparently Miss ‘I’m not really a heavy drinker’ had ‘sipped’ away an entire half gallon of Granny Apple’s Black Label. From the way she was sawing wood, she’d be out until secondnight the next day.

I sat down in my recliner, cool cider in my glass. I took a long pull and regarded my sleeping companion. She shifted her rear in such a way as to draw my attention. I had... a very impure thought. The runes on my arm flared a sickly green. Oh buck me with Tirek’s horn! Celestia had been serious! She actually tied my death spell to this dame. I felt... well... violated. That death spell was a very personal thing. Between me and the princess. To whore it out to just any pony that came along.... Ori shifted in her sleep again. The runes flared... again. BUUUUCK! I still had the better part of an hour and a half to go. Part of me was hoping that the Butcher refused my request and sent a hit pony along to the meeting just to put me out of my misery. I turned away and stomped back to my room, got out a pen and parchment and began to write...

“Dear Sick Twisted Sunbitch...” An hour and ten minutes later I finished with “...the gardener, the Canterlot Philharmonic, AND my third grade magic teacher... SIDEWAYS!” I glanced at the time, crumpled up the entire letter and destroyed it with my magic. Hell no I wasn’t sending that to the princess... Deep down she was a really sweet and caring pony... plus, she could kill me on the spot... slowly.

I teleport back early. Find myself some deep shadows and wait. Easy comes back a short time later. I make sure he hasn’t been tailed, and then reveal myself.

“Fortune smiles on the faithful and the foolish.” He says with a smile.

“And I am?” I can’t help but to ask.

“YOU are the third thing... lucky.” He says still smiling. “Naturally I didn’t speak to The Butcher himself. But I got word to a guy, who got word to a guy, who knew a guy, that could get word to a guy...”

“Stop...please,” I say holding up a hoof. “If you do the whole thing at some point we will have gone through the entire city census. Long story short.”

“You and your friend are free and clear. Long explanation short, He seems to think that one of the boys you vanished had been skimming off the top. It didn’t take him long to realize that the money you are offering as a bri- I mean gratuity, was probably his to begin with. One might almost say that you did him a favor.” Easy says, letting the word hang.

I knew a double edged sword when I saw it. I hold up both hooves and respond, “no, no. Nothing of the sort. Even is what we are, very clean and even. No favors of any kind are due.” This seems to have been the right response, because Easy let’s out a huge sigh of relief.

“You my friend, are very wise for your age. I will relay your message back up the line. I’m sure he will be as happy to see the end of this matter as you are.” Easy says patting me on the shoulder.

“Somehow I doubt that very much.” I say. “Now to go back home and figure out what I am going to tell the mare that is sleeping on my sofa.”

Easy cocks an eyebrow, I shake my head, his eyes widen for a moment in surprise. Before he can say anything smart, I teleport home. I seriously need to work on my reputation.

The next day I fill Ori in on the events of the previous night, once again avoiding any mention of my boss. She was pissed.

“You PAID them OFF!” oh, yeah, she did pissed off really well. “What the buck is wrong with you? We had a lead, we could’ve gone to Luna’s Policing Force. He’s got my sister somewhere and tried to have me killed. You think I’m just going to walk away? Hells no! Where is this person you used to get word to The Butcher? I’m going to drag him back up that chain all the way to the top even if I have to do it dragging him by his D-”

“SHUT... UP!” I roar, loud enough to interrupt her tirade. She stops, shocked. “Now SIT DOWN!” I roar again. She sits down without thinking, barely hitting the edge of the chair. I can do pissed really well too. “Now take your hooves out of your ears and listen to what I have to say. Yes, I paid him off. I did that so we wouldn’t be killed in our sleep. No, Luna’s policing force wouldn’t have lifted a hoof to help us because ‘officially’ no such being as The Butcher exists. And even if he did exist, he has enough people behind him to turn this city into a war zone if Luna every tried to remove him. And HE isn’t even the most dangerous being in this city that would get involved if a war broke out. Your sister,” I start to say, and then change gears. “I’m sorry Ori, but your sister is long dead.” I expect her to break down at this point, but the only reaction I get is a firmly set jaw, and a look of grim faced determination. I know that look, she isn’t going to let this go.

“And what about you?” she asks, catching me off guard.

“What about me?’ I reply, honestly curious.

“You aren’t a bad pony. You saved my life. You went to bat for me and bribed them to let us go. You didn’t have to do that, you could have just walked away. You aren’t going to just let this go are you?” she asks, looking into my eyes, searching for something. She wants to see justice, vengeance, righteous indignation... something that I just don’t believe is there anymore.

But then I feel it. That spark. That pure blue white light that has burned inside of me since before my parents died and left me all alone on the streets of Canterlot. Buck me, it’s still there... After all this time, and all the crap I've slogged through, it's still there... And then the whole world moves inside me.

“No.” I say, it comes out as a whisper. “No,” I say again louder this time. “No I ain’t just going to let it go.” I return Ori’s gaze, and I feel something inside me that shakes me to the core. I say the stupidest thing I have ever said since I came to this city. “I promise you Ori, I can’t tell you how, or when, but he WILL pay. I will bring his entire sick twisted meat eating organization down on his head. And then when he knows his ruin, only THEN will I kill him.” It was a crazy, childish, foolish thing to say. I meant every word of it. Somehow I would find a way. Leverage, bribery, Hell maybe just a big bucking bomb in his train car, but somehow I knew I would find a way to succeed.

Ori decided to stay. Oh she went home, explained things to her mother as best she could. They held a funeral minus the coffin at the edge of the woods on Maud’s family farm. Ori asked me to go with her, so I did. I met Maud, and the Pies, including Pinkie. It was the first time I ever saw her, even in pictures, with her hair down. It made my heart hurt. Celestia was in attendance. After the funeral was over I made my excuses and Celestia teleported me back to the castle for a visit. By the time I left we were both in better spirits. I took a train back as far as I could, enjoying the sunlight. It had been many years ‘darktime’ since I had seen it. It was warm and good. I could almost feel the taint of the city burning away in Celestia’s loving light. But I knew I had to go back. I now had more than one duty to fulfill. I told Celestia about the promise I made, and she gave me her blessing. The Butcher moved higher up on The List. I had picked up a few new spells that had come out since I had been away, and I was looking forward to trying them out.

I met Ori, a day later. She was packed and ready to go. We teleported to the outside of Whinnyappleous. The huge dome of night blotted out the skyline as far as we could see. I had been gone long enough that I didn’t want to go back. But I had a job to do.

See the thing is, Luna isn’t evil. She isn’t Nightmare Moon. She genuinely believes in what she is selling. A city of peace and harmony. With technology to make every pony’s lives better. She wants it dark in there? Well, that’s her aspect, it’s not so bad, many beings prefer the night. But just like anywhere else, where there is a system, there will be beings who seek to exploit it. I have counterparts in Manehatten, The Crystal Empire, Canterlot, even Ponyville. Highly trained operatives, with specific objectives. It’s hard, it’s dangerous, and the rewards are few and far between. But we WILL save this world, and kick ass while doing it...

“That’s it, all done,” Ori says wearily, tossing the last shard of wood into a bowl on the desk. The wounds in my side close as Ori’s healing magic does it’s job. She’s learned a lot since she’s got back. It makes my job a lot easier. She begins to sterilize my missing tooth, preparing to restore it to my jaw. This isn’t going to feel good either. I take another pull of cider, and let my mind drift off to what got me into this condition in the first place...

Author's Notes:

If it's well received, I may keep going. We'll see.