I know of three entrances to the crystal caverns: one that leads to the castle dungeon, the hidden one I discovered recently, and another well-hidden one that exits the cliffside (which Celestia revealed to me after the changeling attack).

The first thing I did was to test my wings. To my surprise, they worked! They weren't perfect (I stumbled a little at first) but they're definitely airworthy. It's been less than a week since I had my primaries ripped out by the Cutie Mark Crusaders, which suggests primary feathers grow very quickly for pegacorns.

With the return of my ability to take wing, I flew to the cliffside entrance. It wasn't quite dark outside, so I sat inside the mouth and waited. I was in a race against time: find Spike, get to the Crystal Kingdom, and do it before the vamponies discover me missing. There wasn't a good option for "how long do I wait". If I rushed out immediately, I might be seen. I could teleport out, but I didn't know what situation I might be teleporting into. I decided to wait until it was almost dark.

It's a good thing I waited. Peeking out, I could see an armored pegasus male hovering just beyond the entrance. He was facing away from me and holding position, so he was clearly guarding the caverns. His orientation (physical, not sexual) suggested that he was trying to catch a pegasus or nightwing entering the cave rather than leaving it, so it was almost certainly a trap for Rainbow Dash.

I deduced that Dash must have left the cave earlier and been spotted, possibly early this morning. Her visual acuity is amazing (even for a pegasus) so there would be no chance she'd try to reenter the crystal caverns. Since there was already a cover story among the Royal Guard for Dash being nuts, I figured there might be a possibility that the guards weren't looking for me, and they might not even be vamponies—but given the resources of the Order's followers and the importance of finding Dash this wasn't a likely hope.

The sky I could see in the distance was free of clouds. I wouldn't be able to teleport to a safe distance where the guards wouldn't see the teleport flash. The dark magic version would be even worse, because they'd see the energy stream and be able to determine both my source and destination. I could try to teleport to a place I couldn't see that was nearby enough, but that could backfire and draw everypony's attention. I didn't want anypony to identify me who'd be likely to transmit that information to my brother, because the element of surprise was a precious commodity at that moment.

The deciding factor was my horn. It hurt to use it, and still does (fortunately I kept the glowstone with me so writing this is tolerable). I didn't want to put myself in a position where I needed to do multiple teleports in short order, but I couldn't just exit the cave or the guards would know something was up.

I banked on the fact that the vamponies probably had no idea I was missing yet (thanks to AJ, bless her puffy hoofpussies), so I decided to go for a bluff.

I teleported in front of the guard, reversing my facing to look at him head-on. Immediately, I noticed several salient details. First off, there was another guard beside him (also male). Second, both of them had small earrings, so I was dealing with vamponies. The one directly in front of me was a lost one (copper) and the one beside him was a Lady (silver, meaning "on the market"), so they were both cunts. I'd prepared for this mentally and let my self-preservation skills go to work.

"Guards. Has there been any sign of Rainbow Dash so far?" I asked. I tried to look mildly peeved (pardon my Prench, but I suppose that isn't much worse than saying 'fuck' and 'shit' which have already littered this journal of doom). This was made more difficult by the fact that I was hovering in midair and trying not to pay attention to the lingering horn-pain from my teleport.

I should note at this point I was acting under the assumption that my rank as Princess was more important than the Order rankings. I was pretending to be there on urgent official business, so I expected even if they had been Masters I would have been given deference.

"Princess? What are you doing here?" asked the lost one. They were clearly unprepared for this, which was good news.

"I'm asking for an update," I said. "I'm trying to find her." I silently cursed myself for the last sentence. It didn't sound authoritative.

The guards looked at each other, then back at me. I instantly knew they were going to question me, and they'd probably demonstrate they were vamponies in a subtle way and expect me to follow suit. I had to act fast to demonstrate my loyalty to the Order, and do it in a way where I wouldn't witness whatever they were going to show me. For example, if I saw them flash their eyes at me, I couldn't do it in response.

So I turned about face and lifted tail to show off Shiny's plug. (Yes, it was embarrassing, as I expected. Yes, it was arousing, which I absolutely did not expect.)

"Satisfied?" I asked. Then I turned my head to look back at them, and winked seductively. At least, I tried for seductively. I don't really know how to do anything seductively, so I aimed for 'impish' and hoped that would be sufficient.

It worked! Both of them blushed. "It's good to see you finally among us, fellow cunt," said the Lady, and he flashed a wry smirk.

I didn't have to pretend anymore. I was happy and relieved, and I let it show. I turned back around. "Glad to obey the Order," I said. "Though I'm guessing you haven't seen her yet?"

Both stallions shook their heads. "No sign of her," said the lost one.

"It's good you're here to help us, though. Lady Cadance is worried sick about Rainbow Dash. I think she's as concerned about her well-being as the potential damage to our strategic position," said the Lady.

"We'll find her soon, I'm sure of it," I said, and just then I thought of something critical. "Are you both stationed here for the evening?"

"Other guards are set to relieve us at nightfall," said the lost one.

Horseshit. Not good. Both guards were set to return to duty elsewhere, probably the castle, and they were leaving any minute. Worse yet, more guards were headed here right now. My cover might be blown within minutes. I didn't have any time to lose.

"Alright. Good luck," I said, and nodding to them, I looked up toward the cliffside and teleported toward the market area.

I didn't have a choice anymore. I teleported twice more in a row: into the fashion district, and directly into a store labeled "Sassy's Saddles". It was poorly lit inside so I'd taken a split second to presume the shop was empty. I was wrong.

"Oh my goodness!" said a very tall, cyan unicorn mare behind the counter. "Princess Twilight Sparkle?"

I blinked a few times, then landed on the floor and grabbed my horn with a hoof, shuddering. "Ow ow ow ow ow," I said. My entire head was throbbing in pain.

The mare ran over to me and pulled my hoof from my horn. Some blood remained on my frog, so clearly it had soaked through the bandage again. (I presume the guards thought it was just a red sash or something, or maybe some kind of fetish thing? Eww.)

"You need to go to the hospital," said the mare.

"No! I... I can't," I said. "There's a conspiracy at the moment, and... um..."

I paused for a moment in shock. I hadn't retained the presence of mind to check her for baubles! Looking up, I noticed she wore no jewelry. Her clothes looked fashionable, though. (I think, anyway—they were fancy, at least. I don't really get fashion, but it's usually fancy. I almost wished Rarity were there to let me know.)

The mare looked dubious, but she nodded. "My name is Sassy Saddles, Princess. I'll provide you with any help I can, but we must do something about your horn."

I decided to trust Sassy, though in retrospect I'm not sure why. She was pretty and seemed to hold herself proudly, which was consistent with vampony culture (even the lost ones seem to hold themselves with pride, most of the time). Plus, being pretty and tall and confident and professional probably meant she had ties to high society, which is the sector that the vamponies targeted first.

Actually, I remember! It was her horn that did it. Sassy Saddles has a very long horn (which is also a status symbol—unicorns can be pretty shallow, to be completely honest), but she keeps it sharp. When I was young Dad once told me that mares sometimes do that to show that they're single and looking, because there's no way you can sleep next to somepony with a horn that deadly and not injure them in the process. I'm not sure I like the idea (although it's rather clever), but I doubt the vamponies would approve of a gesture so... Obvious? Vulgar? You know what I mean.

(Moreover, if she were a vampony, she'd have been in a lot of beds recently.)

Anyway, I was in significant pain and I desperately needed a friend. Sassy had a warm personality and I required a pony I could trust. Luck was on my side (not that there is such a thing, but you know what I mean).

"I don't want to sidetrack the conversation from your injury, but I have to say it: you have a very interesting collar. And earrings," said Sassy, as she examined the bandage with the intensity of a doctor's stare. "I've seen a few unicorns with jewelry like that lately. Is it a trend?"

"It's a long story, but I can't remove it. The short version is you shouldn't trust anypony who wears baub—I mean, jewelry like this. There's something sinister going on." I began to unwrap the bandage. "I still have a couple strips of fabric I can still use to staunch the bleeding again..."

Sassy stopped me when I began to untie my bandage. "Wait for a moment," she said, then cantered off into the back room and returned with a first aid kit. She removed an abdominal pad and a large gauze roll. "Okay, go ahead."

I unwrapped the bandage from my horn. Sassy and I both winced as I started to peel it off. This time the blood had dried, and the fabric had adhered itself to the underlying bone.

"Let me," she said, and took the bandage in both her hoof and her magic. "Ugh. It's stuck and the fibers are hard to remove. This is actually a remarkable piece of fabric, though. Very plush and high thread count, I assume a luxury towel?"

I nodded, then regretted nodding as it accidentally yanked a bit of the fabric free. "I didn't think it would be this difficult," I said. "I didn't bother to consider the ramifications of choosing this particular fabric because I had no other good alternatives. Kind of kicking myself over that."

"Understandable, considering." Sassy unwrapped the abdominal pad and placed it against the open area of my horn as she peeled more of the strip from bone. "Okay, this is reopening the wound and there's no preventing that. So I'd like to yank it the rest of the way on 'three'. Are you okay with that, Princess?"

"Just call me Twilight, and please go ahead," I said.

She smiled a sickly smile. "One," she said, then immediately ripped it free.

"Ahh!" I said, the surprise actually blunting the pain. "You stopped two integers short!"

"I know. It's easier if you're gearing up for it but not quite ready. I used to be a nurse." Sassy pressed the abdominal pad around my horn and held it with her magic, and set the bloody strip of fabric onto the floor where there were already drops of blood. "I know I'm probably not entitled to ask, but could you tell me what happened? Does it have something to do with the collar and the 'sinister' thing?"

"You're always entitled to ask me something, Sassy. I just don't know how much I can share because I want to keep you safe," I explained. "There was a magic device on my horn that prevented me from casting spells, and it was adhered in a way that made cutting it off impossible. I finally figured out a way to get around it. It was complicated and actually quite fascinating, not to brag, but details would probably be a bad idea at this point."

"Who would do this to you?" She sounded afraid, which was intelligent.

"Right now Princess Luna and my brother and sister-in-law are compromised by a dark force," I said.

"Your brother? Oh, Prince Shining Armor, right," she said. "Compromised?"

"They're not acting rationally. But don't spread that information," I said. "I intend to... intervene. I can't say how because I don't want you to have the information if somepony traced me here."

Sassy paled. "I... I understand," she said. "Prin—I mean, Twilight: I will not tell anypony, no matter what happens."

I'm not sure why Sassy chose to immediately believe me when I told her that Luna, Shiny, and Cadance were all under the influence of an evil force. Certainly, Luna "outranks" me—perhaps not legally if you want to get technical (which I usually do but that's beside the point), but de facto in Equestrian affairs. I mean, if I were under the influence of an evil force and they weren't, wouldn't I say the same thing?

It's probably because I looked sympathetic, I guess. Friendship is difficult to fake. (Then again, the Order has its own version of friendship. They're still very friendly. Just, um, a little too friendly.)

"I doubt anypony knows I entered your store, so you should be safe," I tried to reassure her. "Maybe I should hide in the back?"

"Nopony wanders by here this time of day," said Sassy, "and I don't have all the lights on so you can't see in very easily. When it goes dark, though, we'll need to move. For now, hold still."

She held the pad on my horn and blotted it once or twice. Looking up at her looming above me (Sassy is really tall—not Celestia tall, but still very tall) as she mended my wound reminded me of Mom. I remember being five years old, and I'd scraped my knee something fierce, and she made everything better simply by being there to love me. I always felt comfort with her. And now, today? I feel... conflicted.

Something's wrong with me, Journal, feeling arousal toward my own mother. I just know how comforting it would be to fall into the legs of the Order and allow Mom and I to grow closer than we'd ever been...

Anyway, that's probably why I started to get wet.

Additionally, Sassy is pretty, both in the conventional sense as well as whatever it is that "floats my boat", so to speak (I don't actually own a boat). I think it might be two things. First, it's a combination of overdone fashion/makeup and the horn that kind of makes it look like she's desperate for sex. Why is that "hot"? I don't know for certain, but I hypothesize it reduces the stress involved in not knowing whether or not you're doing a good job sexually. Second...

Oh buck. This is going to sound awful.

I think it's because she's, um... ditzy? That sounds less awful than 'dumb'. I don't think she's stupid or anything, but she seems to have a bit of a cognitive delay in processing and comprehension (although, given the stressful environment in which we met, I wouldn't bet on that assumption) and something about that is strangely erotic for me. I fear it might be pedofoalic in nature, but maybe it's just the idea that I could teach her things, maybe even sexual things, and I could see the wonderment in her eyes as she looks up to me like I...

Okay, yeah, maybe it is a little pedofoalic. Not sure what I can do about that at this point, but I'm kind of tired of feeling guilty for how bucked-up I've become. I'd rather restrict the depth of my guilt to actions that I've done, rather than focus on feelings I can't control. After all, my actions alone have been bad enough.

Still, Moondancer is brilliant, and that turns me on too?

Arousal is weird and seems self-contradictory at times, Journal. When I think about Sassy, on one hoof she reminds me of Mom, and on the other hoof she reminds me of a little foal... yet even though those are largely opposites they both seem to reinforce that strange warmth in my groin.

Anyway, I was watching Sassy Saddles as she tended to my horn and I became lost in her eyes, thinking of her painted lips meeting mine, that slender muzzle forcing its way between my thighs and into my—

"Twilight?" she said, and I regained focus. I realized she'd been talking to me and I'd totally spaced out while imagining us locked in coitus.

"Oh shit," I said, and she blushed. "Oh, um, sorry about the language. I totally zoned out. I've been... under a considerable amount of stress."

"Not a problem," said Sassy, wearing a sympathetic look that again reminded me of Mom. "I was saying I've finished blotting out the blood. It's mostly dried, but I need to spray it with a disinfectant before applying the gauze. It should help promote clotting as well, so it won't leak through the bandage as quickly."

"Right. And this is going to hurt, then?"

"I'm afraid so," she said.

I chuckled. "That's fine. I've been through a lot of pain lately."

She bit at her lip for a moment. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay. Really," I said. "Go ahead."

I closed my eyes as she raised the spray can of antibiotic up to my horn.

I'm a princess, I thought to myself. I'm scaring the daylights out of this poor mare. I need to inspire confidence, like a true leader. I owe it to her.

I don't know how I managed to do it, but I didn't flinch or react at all when she sprayed the substance all around my horn (except for autonomic impulses I can't suppress, like sweating). It wasn't intense pain, but the way I grew up (a bit sheltered, I suppose) I've always been a little prissy about pain so it's difficult to hide it when I'm hurting even if it's just a mild sting. My dominant response is to cry out so everypony around me knows I need attention.

I felt a hint of pride, which was nice, even if maybe this is a stupid thing to be proud of. I've been through so many terrible emotions lately, it was pleasant to feel worthy for a change.

I opened my eyes to see Sassy wrapping gauze tight around my horn (well, as well as you can see something like that). She affixed it with medical tape and smiled.

"Much better," she said. "You're a model patient, Princess. Er, Twilight, I mean."

"And you are an amazing nurse, Sassy. We should probably move to the back area," I said. It was getting dark outside which made it easier to see inside the building, even with the lighting dimmed.

I followed Sassy to the back, and she took me to a bathroom sink and used a washcloth to clean off the excess dried blood from my horn and pelt.

"There isn't much blood here, but we want you to look your best," she said.

"You remind me so much of Rarity," I said.

"The designer from Ponyville?" said Sassy. Her eyes lit up. "You know her?"

"She's one of my best friends!" I said. "Er, when she's not under the influence of an evil cult, anyway."

"Oh no! That's terrible!" said Sassy. "She's such a creative spirit! I've always wanted to work with somepony like her. I have great marketing know-how and industry connections throughout Canterlot, but this resale shop... it's not what I want to be doing with my life. I want to showcase real talent."

"I was wondering what this store was about," I admitted. "I didn't see any saddles out front."

"It's a play on my name, which was a bad idea. Everypony expects saddles and I don't always have them in stock," she explained. "Still, I sell high-quality fashion at affordable prices, I always check my product closely to ensure it has no defects after being 'pre-owned', and somehow I manage to turn a small profit."

"Ah, I see. Well, once all this mess is behind us, I will definitely put you in contact with Rarity," I said, smiling. "I think you two would work great together."

Sassy blushed. "Oh, I'd love that! Thank you so much, Twilight." She used a small spray can of something on my chest, presumably to remove a little bloodstain.

"No problem," I said, then I looked down and noticed she had a few drops of blood on her beautiful dress. "Oh no. I think I ruined your dress!"

"I might still be able to salvage it, but it's fine either way. Worthy cause," she said, with a wink. "Looks like we're all done with cleanup, except for some blood spots on the flooring, but you don't need to worry about that."

"I want to pay you for your services..."

"Could you... consider me a friend, instead?" she asked. Her voice rang with timidity.

I smiled warmly. "Absolutely. But at least I'll pay for the dress. Er, when I have bits on me."

"I won't hear of it, but maybe you can buy me lunch sometime. Will that work?" she asked.

I kept staring into those beautiful orange eyes. Did I mention her eyes were orange? Just like her sunset-colored mane...

"Oh, horse apples! I need to run," I said. "Thank you again. Wait, do you have a cloak or something I could hide my appearance with?"

Sassy trotted over to a box and pulled out a beautiful faux-fur white Winter cloak. "It may be too warm for this, but it's all I can think of."

"I'll send you bits for it as soon as I'm able. Thanks again," I said, wrapping the cloak around my body and saddlebags (which I never removed).

"You're wel—"

Before she could respond, I teleported outside. Rude, but I had no choice. I'd lost track of time and I didn't have any left to spare. I pulled the hood over my head and galloped for the train station, which was only a few blocks away.

Luck was on my side (again, just a figure of speech). The Friendship Express was headed on an overnight to the Crystal Kingdom, and it was due to leave in forty minutes.

After purchasing a ticket and getting on the train, I walked to the least-populated passenger car and sat down in the back row. The cloak was pretty warm, but I didn't want to remove the hood until we were well-underway, and I had a half-hour before the train would even begin to move (assuming it departed on time, which, spoiler alert: it did).

While waiting, I stared at my reflection in the window, lost in thought. Mostly I was thinking about Sassy's wet (in my fantasy) vulva. At some point I remembered how I'd spaced out and missed something she said, so it occurred to me that I should reactivate my transcription spell. I cast the spell. It hurt a little bit, but it wasn't terrible, which was comforting. I'd need to be at full strength tomorrow, and too much pain would greatly increase the degree of difficulty. I don't need any more difficulty in my life right now, Journal.

At some point, somepony tapped me on my back and I jumped up and shrieked. (Blame my stupid amygdala for that one.) Everypony looked my way, so I cowered under the hood of my cloak, then looked beside me.

It was Spike! And he looked absolutely ridiculous. He was wearing a trenchcoat and an oversized (for him) pair of red sunglasses.

"Sheesh," whispered Spike. "Do you want everypony in Canterlot to know you're here?"

I sighed. "Sorry! You startled me," I said, then realized the obvious. "Ohmygosh. Spike! It's you!"

"Heh, yep. In the scales," he said, and sat beside me. "I'm surprised to see you here. Rarity said you'd been captured and were about to join... um, the vamponies."

I noticed he had on a little marble collar, and I felt a mixture of fear and pity strike me.

"The collar. Oh no. You're already one of them," I whispered back. "Spike, please..."

"It's okay, Twi. I'm not gonna tell anypony you're here," he said. "Yeah, I've tasted the wolf twice, if you count the first time that I don't remember well. One more time and they upgrade me to wood."

I clenched my teeth, then nodded slowly. "Okay. I figured you might be on their side by now, but I guess I held out hope. Why aren't you betraying me?"

Spike seemed saddened, and he stared down at the floor. "I'm not against you, Twilight. I just... I love Rarity. That's all this is," he said.

"You love her more than you love me," I said. I regretted saying it almost immediately.

"No, Twilight! You're... you're my sister," he said, his eyes misty. "Of course I love you. It's just... a different kind of love."

"Not in the Order, it isn't," I pointed out.

"The vamponies may have twisted logic, but those who follow the Order are doing what they think is best for you," he said. "Everypony believes that, even though they've gone about everything wrong from the very beginning. You have to understand that by now."

I sighed. "I do, Spike, but I also don't think what you're doing with Rarity is healthy."

"You don't know what I'm doing with Rarity," said Spike, frowning.

"You have her buttplug up your anus right now, don't you? And if I use mage sight on your collar, it will show her symbol, won't it?"

Spike blinked a few times. "Okay, yes, but it's just a way for me to show how much I love her."

It was time to rip another bandage off.

"One," I said, preparing myself.

"Um... what?"

I took in a deep breath. "I don't think you actually love Rarity."

Spike laughed. "You're kidding. You're kidding, right?" he asked. He was hiding it, but I could see the worry in his face.

"It's a crush. It's always been a crush. True love is conditional, Spike. It isn't like the love songs and romance novels paint it. True love leaves room for each pony to be a pony by themself," I said. "In your case it's all about Rarity, and not about you at all, because that's exactly the way she's been abusing you."

"She's not abusing—"

"She has always abused you, Spike!" I said, then lowered my voice. "Dammit. I should have talked to you about this a long time ago. I can't sugarcoat this anymore, it isn't right. You're a young foal, and she strings you along for slave labor! She always gives you barely enough recognition to keep you doing her dirty work, and no more. A kiss here, a gift there, and then all the time you spend together involves you doing physical labor."

"I... I..." stammered Spike, on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry, Spike. I know it's wrong. I know I'm wrong for tolerating it over the past two years." I felt hurt inside. This was partly my fault.

"But... she's your friend! Are you saying she isn't a good pony?" he asked, wiping away a tear with the back of his arm. "You're accusing her of something terrible!"

"Look... I don't think she's intentionally abusing you, or I would have immediately intervened. I think she's thoughtless. Rarity needs approval more than most ponies. It's part of being an artist, I think," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "She's not conscientious about how she treats you because you seem so happy. That's the main reason I let it go on, too. You seemed so happy. But it was always a mistake."

Spike pursed his lips and nodded. "I need to talk to her about this, yeah. But you're wrong about one thing."

"What's that?"

"It's changed," he said, and smiled a little. "She's changed, Twilight. Ever since she became a vampony, she's shown a real interest in me."

I wasn't buying it. "She's just trying to confuse you, Spike."

"No, she really isn't. She didn't have to do anything to convince me to do things with her. I don't know if she realizes how she acted with me before was wrong, but it isn't like that anymore. When we spend time together, she shows interest in the things I like to do! We've read comic books, played games..." he continued.

"In order to gain your trust. You've never been completely on her side," I pointed out.

"She asks my opinion on things, Twilight. She lets me come up with ideas for stuff we can do together," he said. "In fact... I've come to value myself as a dragon more because she's shown me I'm worth something. It isn't all about her anymore. It's about us."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing," I said, shaking my head almost hard enough to flop the hood off of my horn. "She's a Lady, and you're a lost soul like me, I have to assume. And you're telling me that Rarity is taking input from you?"

Spike nodded. "Yes."

"So becoming a vampony has somehow made Rarity... less selfish?"

He didn't answer me directly. "You know... I guess you're right about the past. Before this mess happened, I was a real slave," he admitted, with a despondent sigh. "But I'm not a slave anymore. I mean, yeah, I'm a slave, but it's for fun, and because it fulfills me. I am because it's exactly what I want. Who I am is finally meaningful, and when I give myself to her, it isn't a one-sided relationship anymore. What I want matters now. I'm a part of the equation."

I turned my head away from my little 'brother' because I was afraid I might tear up (I didn't, but the emotions roiling within my belly were highly irregular). Everything Spike was saying contradicted my understanding of the Order, but I have to admit I've never fully understood it...

"You're telling me that what you want, as a cunt, matters to the Order," I said, still facing toward the window.

I felt his claws reach up under my chin and pull me back to his gaze. "Yeah," he said, eye to eye.

I pulled his claws away. "They still make foals have sex. They're still doing crazy, unsanitary things, and they're risking psychological harm with emotions they have no control over."

Spike nodded. "I don't want to defend that. I mean, I can't say for sure that they're wrong, either. Maybe they really are the good guys? I won't pretend I'm old enough or wise enough to understand any of it."

"But you're..." I leaned in and whispered more softly. "You're fucking her, Spike. Aren't you?"

He blushed. "Not... not entirely. There are restrictions. Boundaries," he explained, and he made a square-shaped motion with his claws. "I haven't crossed certain lines yet. I don't know what I would do if she told me to cross those lines, but she seems to worry about whether I'd be able to handle it emotionally, so we've kept things more, um, 'flirty' for the time being."

"It's just a matter of time," I said. "You won't be ready when it happens, and you could end up hurt."

"I dunno. I don't feel hurt, and my relationship with Rarity is better than it's ever been. Maybe sex is dangerous for adults, too? Is anypony ever ready?" he said, and yawned. "All I understand is how I feel, and right now I feel tired."

At that moment, it dawned on me that I had tension in my joints so severe my neck and shoulders were in pain. I exhaled deeply and relaxed. "I guess I should sleep too once we're underway," I said, then pulled out the journal.

A few moments later, the train began to move. I put a leg around Spike and pulled him close, and he hugged me back.

"Ow. This thing in my butt is starting to chafe," I said, then clamped my lips shut. (Too late.)

"You've got a plug in you too?" he asked, as nonchalantly as if I'd just shared what I ate for dinner. "Here, use this." Spike handed me a small bottle of fluid from his trenchcoat pocket.

"You shouldn't be wearing something like that," I hissed. "Whatever 'boundaries' you have with Lady Rarity are still too loose for a young foal."

Spike leaned away from me. "Then why are you wearing one? I mean, I know it's different because you're an adult, but if you're not following the Order, then..."

I blushed and looked down at the floor. "It... seemed easier than taking it out. I didn't want to alert vampony senses, and it meant I could go longer..."

My little brother gave me a knowing look of incredulity.

"Okay, fine! It feels nice. I like it there. I like knowing this is what... what will happen to me when I fail," I whispered. "Is that what you want?"

"No. I don't want to embarrass you. I'm just confused about why you haven't given in, if you're this far gone already," he said, placing his claws on my shoulder. "And I have to point it out: you said 'when I fail', not 'if I fail'."

"This is my final stand, Spike. I'm done after this, no matter what happens. And no, I haven't given up yet, even if my heart isn't fully in it," I said. Then I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. "I'm just glad I have you with me right now. I don't think I could face this alone."

His eyes widened, and he quickly turned his head away from me. A few moments passed in silence. I have no idea why he recoiled from me like that, but I was too tired to press. I suppose this nightmare has been hard on everypony.

"Um, okay then. Watch my journal and saddlebags, would you? I'll pop in the bathroom and be right back," I said. I took his bottle of lubricant in my magic and trotted toward the restroom. I also brought my ticket with me, just in case the conductor came by while I was, um, indisposed.

I entered the little room, shut the door, and locked it so the little "occupied" flag would come up on the other side. Then I removed the cloak and hung it up on the door hook.

Examining myself in the small mirror over the tiny sink was sobering. The fatigue was apparent in my eyes. At least the gauze bandage was still white, and relatively unobtrusive compared to the towel strip. Sassy had aligned it perfectly perpendicular to my horn, so it almost looked intentional, like a little sweatband. I actually giggled at that (horns don't sweat, of course), and the reprieve from negative emotions put my nerves at ease.

Then I had to remove the plug.

Admittedly, I'm not good at this yet. I strained a little hard (ugh, I hate putting details like this in but there might be some relevance for later) and I may have bruised myself a little, but it popped free after a few seconds. My hoof wasn't holding it well, so I lifted it up with my magic and it was a little gross (ew). I grabbed some toilet paper to wipe myself. I was moist back there (both anus and vagina, for varying reasons) but clean otherwise. Then I cleaned off the plug, first with toilet paper and then using soap and water in the sink. I was inspecting the shiny surface when somepony knocked on the door.

"Ticket, please," came the voice.

I threw on the cloak, of course, carefully avoiding the plug which I still held with my magic in midair. I hooded my horn, unlatched the door, and opened it just enough to peep at the ticket taker (I was wary in case this was some sort of trap). Then I levitated the ticket from the sink through the slit to his hoof.

"I'm sorry sir, but I need you to open the door a little further so I can confirm there are no other passengers in the lavatory with you," said the ticket taker.

I didn't see how you could fit two ponies in here, but it was a fair request. I opened the door halfway and looked into a blushing stallion's eyes.

Oh crap.

Apparently the plug was still levitating in front of me, in full view of the ticket taker. I quickly slipped it between my legs and under my cloak, then I shut the door.

Wincing, my cheeks burned. "Well, that's it. One of the train employees thinks I'm a pervert," I whispered to myself.

But I am a pervert, aren't I, Journal? I chose to leave this thing in my butt, after all. Should I really feel ashamed of this? I don't like feeling ashamed... I think...

I don't see why I should feel shame. If I follow the Order, I might even feel... proud...

Hmm. No, wait, there's more. While I'm taking this side-journey into perverted self-introspection, I should mention something else unusual. Being caught like that gave me butterflies in my barrel. I think... I think it actually turned me on. Did the shame itself turn me on? That should be impossible! Yet...

I don't know what to think anymore. The world is so much larger than I used to believe two months ago, back when I was still innocent and naive. I think about going back to being that Twilight Sparkle, and I don't know if I would even if I could. Despite all the Tartarus I've been through, it's better to know. And even after all of this mental damage, I still want to know more.

Oh, how I hope Princess Celestia can make sense of all this.

Anyway, I decided not to put the plug back inside me because it would be too distracting (although apparently I don't have to go to the bathroom yet). I took the plug and the lube back to my seat, hidden under my cloak.

Spike was sleeping on my stuff. I moved him slightly off of it, put the plug inside the saddlebags, returned the lube to Spike's coat pocket, and, I, um...

At the time, I excused this as research. Maybe I thought I'd find evidence that Spike was conspiring against me or something, I don't know. That was my conscious mind, however. Unconsciously... it's clear what I wanted to see, and I saw it.

I lifted Spike's trenchcoat and looked underneath. His tail had a thick marble circlet at the end of it, which was the horagon bauble Rarity had mentioned. And in the space where his tail met his underbelly was the flat head of the plug. It wasn't the same plug as before, or else it had been modified. This one had a flat marble base mounted on a stainless steel head, and I didn't need mage sight to see the light etching of Rarity's mark on the marble base.

I can't remember if marble accessories are supposed to have a mark on them, or whether the process Rarity uses for mage sight writing works on marble. I think she told me at some point? Or maybe she just wants the world to know she likes to shove objects up a baby dragon's asshole.

It didn't matter. All that mattered was that it was beautiful. It looked like it belonged there. I momentarily felt guilty for not plugging myself again with Shiny's gift.

Then, with no mental warning to myself, I leaned down and kissed it.

I still don't understand why I did it. I recoiled in horror at what I'd done, and lowered his little coat. Spike still appeared to be sleeping, but he cracked a smile. I hope he wasn't faking. I don't want him to think that this is in any way acceptable. He's just... he's so cute, and...

Sweet Stars. I need to find a way to wipe my brain of some of the past without erasing what I've learned. Once we reach a resolution, that will be my solitary goal.

I was very tired, but I couldn't rest after what I'd done, so I wrote all of this to exorcise the perversion. It didn't work, but I'm more tired now and ready to sleep. Fortunately, the remaining strips of towel can be used as blindfolds, so I'll be able to continue sleeping after dawn rises in a few hours. Then I'll be rested when we arrive in the Crystal Kingdom at dusk.

Oh, wait. Dawn is up now. Time for the blindfold, and the merciful nepenthe of sleep.

Cleanse me, somepony... somehow...

Please...