I regret everything.

I've made a terrible series of mistakes, Journal, but finally the solution is finally clear. There's a way out of this nightmare.

First, I guess I need to explain the missing pages. Three times in a row I wrote down my sick, perverted fantasies involving the Cutie Mark Crusaders, then masturbated to it, then destroyed it. Three times. I'm a little scared it might end up being four or five times or that it might never end, but I'm steadfast that my mind is made up at this point. All of this is wrong, and it needs to stop, permanently.

The problem here is that I've split into two Twilight Sparkles. My beliefs and opinions are completely different from one moment to the next. All it takes is being horny and I become a different pony entirely. It's insane is what it is. Logic just goes out the window entirely. Or rather, the perverted have their own "twisted" version of logic, where true becomes false and wrong becomes right.

I can't allow feelings to cloud my judgment anymore. I know how I feel when I'm horny is wrong because of how terrible I feel afterwards. The negative feeling has to be the right one because it matches everything I've ever known and believed before this madness started. Sex isn't adaptive like eating or breathing. It's maladaptive, like recreational drugs. There's a brief high, then a crash and you feel terrible. And it gets worse over time, driving you to ever-deeper depths of depravity! It doesn't matter if it's "natural" or not. That only means it's a flaw of evolution: a mistake that needs to be corrected by a smart, civilized society.

The worst part is that this clear-headedness I have doesn't want to stick around! I only feel rational like I do now shortly after having an orgasm. Even when I'm not horny, I return to perverted Twilight Sparkle (and no, I refuse to call her 'Toilet Spunkhole') almost immediately, unless I actively suppress her by reminding myself how sick and wrong all of this is. That's what I'm doing now. I'm holding tightly to that truth.

That's the big problem—it goes beyond being horny. Even chemical castration isn't sufficient, Journal. Look at Prince Blueblood! He gets his balls chopped off and he likes it, which is completely illogical, and it should make him less horny but somehow this makes him feel personally fulfilled! Being horny, ever, is like a virus that leaves behind a crippling disability: you want to do perverse and illogical things even when you aren't horny at all.

Sex is disgusting, unsanitary, and psychologically harmful, and this is so self-evident it doesn't need further proof. The problem is the brain damage caused by being horny that prevents you from making future decisions logically. It isn't enough to chop off a stallion's balls. A pony's need to be physically and socially intimate with others must be eradicated from the brain entirely.

And the solution is right in front of me! If the Breakstone can be used to destroy part of a pony's brain, it should be possible to modify it to remove all intimate desires entirely. Imagine a world where ponies didn't need to touch each other to feel good about themselves! A pure, logic-driven people, with no unsanitary exchange of bodily fluids, no mental sickness, no need to make any form of physical contact... it would be utopia. Even hugs would be unnecessary, because we wouldn't need that kind of affirmation to know our friendships are solid.

Why do we need to feel negative things at all? Who wants to feel sad, or angry, or ashamed? Chrysalis wouldn't have been able to manipulate ponies if we didn't have these sick emotions to siphon away in the first place! A world without sadness and pain is actually possible—the only reason we never realized this is that we're so addicted to what we think is "love" that we justify bad emotions as a necessary evil, the same way ponies say "death is a part of life" to feel (illogically) better about the inevitability of mortal ends.

Why should friendship and culture require "feeling" anything, when logic is always the superior choice? That's the real solution to all of these problems the Order is trying to fix! The vamponies are trying to do the right thing, but they're doing the polar opposite of what they should be. It's because they're physically and mentally addicted to sex. They have no choice. They're blind and desperate and confused.

I'm sure ponies will undoubtedly argue, "But Twilight, there are 'good' feelings too! Why can't we keep those?" Let's face facts, Journal: feelings being 'good' doesn't mean they're beneficial to society. I felt wonderful with Applejack, and I felt wonderful with Rainbow Dash. But that was wrong. I shouldn't feel that way, especially not with mares. I should be evaluating our friendships using logical metrics that I can actually trust, like how often we agree, how much time we spend together, and how much we contribute to one another economically in kind (adjusted for the ability each pony has to offer support and assistance, naturally, so that the disabled can still contribute something useful). I shouldn't treat Dashie Rainbow Dash as "special" just because she can make my body, or my mind, or my heart feel good! That makes no bucking sense! It isn't fair to my other friends, and it isn't fair to her either. Even when feelings are 'good', they're misleading. Being able to control them is what separates people from beasts.

I should care about my friends for logical reasons, period. I shouldn't care about them out of desperation or desire or confusion or pity. The virtues of friendship aren't what ignorant ponies from thousands of years ago arbitrarily decided were 'virtuous'. They were very close, I think, but they didn't get it right. The true virtues of friendship aren't honesty, loyalty, kindness, generosity, laughter, and magic. That's a mischaracterization resulting from a highly illogical, emotion-driven analysis of the facts. The true virtues are factual veracity, good judgment, equal treatment, appropriate feedback, positive reinforcement, and logic. Those are the real qualities that bind me to my friends. I've been so stupid to believe all this mythical crap from the distant past. We know so much more now than we did back then, when society was mired even more deeply in illogic and neediness. The right course of action is always the logical one, period. That's inarguably true, by definition. When we allow ourselves to make decisions for reasons other than articulate, well-reasoned arguments supported by a consistent system of logical deduction, we're bound reach a suboptimal conclusion. This insanity needs to finally end. I've been so caught up in it I was actually starting to believe what my friends and family were trying to push on me, and now the truth couldn't be any clearer.

All we have to do is repurpose the Breakstones to permanently remove a pony's irrational desires for physical contact. It would be a scientific miracle if we could remove feelings and rule the mind with objective logic! Even vamponies would thank me for it afterwards, logically, so it doesn't make sense to try to get consent from ponies who can't think straight in the first place. You don't let somepony with schizophrenia suffer because they don't want to cure themselves. You treat them anyway. If I can find a way to do this, then none of this horrid shit I've been forced to experience would bother anypony, ever again. And no, I don't care how much ponies elevate the experience of "romance". Love is like a "roller coaster ride", you say? Big bucking whoop! Who cares! Roller coasters don't hurt you when they're operating within appropriate guidelines. Roller coasters don't make you feel like trash when you're done riding them. Roller coasters don't lead to regret (unless you have motion sickness, but this is just a loose analogy). And roller coasters sure as sugar don't lead you to hurt all of the ponies you care about the most.

Roller coasters don't make me—I mean you—want to die.

Romance is inefficient, and completely unnecessary! We can more easily make foals through artificial insemination, matching donors with recipients for maximum genetic-driven phenotypes. Everything could be planned and orderly, just like clockwork. Society could be perfect, hygienic, and clean. Not disgusting and mentally ill and depraved and sick and hurtful like sex innately is. What was the point of sex between me and Rainbow Dash, anyway, huh? I can't even remember, Journal. Having sex led me to be careless, and I got captured, putting my friends and family in further jeopardy. And for what purpose? A little fun!? I have more fun reading books! Study is significantly more fulfilling than sex, and it isn't nasty or hurtful! And I mean hurtful both mentally and physically. Sex with Rainbow Dash hurt a little, did I even write that down? Pain isn't good if it isn't protecting you from something. It's just suffering. That's obvious. I somehow convinced myself it was "wonderful" because I was THAT confused and messed up inside. I was needy, like a drug addict. Sweet Celestia, letting a friend actually eat a part of my body, leaving me vulnerable to infection, and even worse, confusing both of us into thinking it was something 'incredible', like that smelly, gross experiment mattered somehow? ALL of this is wrong! It is 100% wrong, period, end of sentence. It has to be stopped for the good of ponykind.

I'm repeating myself a lot, but this is important.

I'll keep that goal in mind, Journal, and it will make my task much easier. And even if we fail, I have no doubt this revolution will fall apart in a matter of weeks, because it's insane and it will not work. Brother will come to his senses, he'll come crawling back for forgiveness, which is inappropriate, he will be demoted from head of state because he cannot make quality decisions (not that being born a stallion is his fault, though), and we'll all grow back our horns. Then I can put my final solution into action.

I can bide, Journal. They can't convert me, because I'm too logical, and I will NOT let 'feelings' confuse me. Never, ever again. I mean, Cadance still has her wits about her, and she's still capable of logical reasoning, though she's not insightful enough to have come to the right conclusions yet. Being 'broken' by the Breakstone won't affect me one way or the other, except for being annoying and distracting. How can feeling horny truly change your opinion about something? It can't. That isn't just improbable, it's impossible. It's only changing my friends because they're weak inside, unlike me. They had sex before all this started, and I hadn't. Since I hadn't succumbed to the brain damage associated with romantic feelings until this madness began, I've been able to see sex for what it really is, and now I know what I need to do to save Equestria and bring about a Reinaissance of friendship based on fact rather than appealing to feelings of 'altruism' or 'fun'. Buck those horsefeathers (pardon me, I've gained a sailor's tongue—well, pen—and I need to set that right too).

Arrgh! Here I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional, and I'm ranting for pages and pages when I should be writing about things in a calm and rational manner, using bullet points and references to support my argument. Okay, that's fine. I'm not perfect YET. I'm still taking baby steps. But I will be fixed, and very soon all this nonsense will be behind me—and everypony else—forever. I have no doubt this will come to pass.

Well, no. That's an exaggeration. I have reasonable doubt, obviously. Not reserving probability mass for failure would be illogical, and that is not who or what Twilight Sparkle is (the Princess thing is ridiculous too, for the most part, but that's another discussion).

Wow. I am SO glad I finally have things figured out now. Not emotion glad, of course. Just, you know. 'This is good.' That sort of thing. The cold, clear, logical certainty that allows things to function properly and efficiently, to help ideally tune parameters in favor of friendship and productivity.

Cadance knows something is wrong but I'm not going to tell her or anypony else about my plans, obviously. I've refused dinner (the suffering will help me to focus, though eventually I'll need food to think straight) and I've insisted on sleeping by myself tonight.

I can tell Cadance is very worried, but she's kind enough to leave me alone. They'll probably prod at me tomorrow to figure out why I'm so upset. Let them try.

I'm going to bed, after I scrub my body clean in the shower and remove this infernal plug from my butt.