This entry summarizes some of the conversations with Cadance that led to the Glossary being filled out, but it will probably take several entries to get current.

I woke up embraced by Princess Cadance's legs (from behind), which was psychologically very comforting despite the nightmare I'm currently trapped within. The buzzing sensation on my horn was still present, and still annoying, but easier to ignore. Even if it's stimulating an erogenous zone, I'll habituate to it eventually. (Maybe not if I were a vampony, though? It seems unlikely even then, but I'm starting to absentmindedly think of vamponies in supernatural terms rather than scientific ones, which is a very stupid thing to do.)

I was groggy and disoriented, so I think I can forgive myself for what I said under my breath.

"I love you, Cadance," I mumbled, which led to warmth in my cheeks and a tightening hug from my sister-in-law.

"I love you too, Twily," she whispered in my ear. It was slightly creepy the way she said it, but I think she meant it platonically. And it felt wonderful, nonetheless.

I pulled out of the embrace and rotated to face her. The gentle jangling sound of the heart-shaped tag on her golden collar was a constant reminder of her position in this new Order, and it, well... it peeved me, to be perfectly blunt. I think the primary reason it bothered me so much is that it reminded me that I was wearing a collar as well, and I've been trying my best to ignore that fact. At that moment, I was (and am, as I write this) critically aware of the collar and the earrings which mark me. Even though they're much easier to ignore, they bother me more than the buzzing of my horn, because it feels, psychologically speaking, like they're guiding me: holding my throat gently, tugging insistently on my ears, reminding me of what a 'cunt' I am. (At least the metal ring doesn't jangle against marble. That's probably the only thing that's kept me sane this long.)

Cadance just smiled back at me. "Did you get a good rest?" she asked.

"Yes, actually," I said. "No dreams that I can remember. The drug must have kept Princess Luna from invading my privacy again."

That was an intentional ploy, by the way. Another attempt at assuming something in order to extract more information. I probably didn't need to do it, though (in retrospect), because Team Creepy has been bizarrely forthcoming with information, as illustrated in the previous entry, this one, and (presumably) the next.

"Luna means you no harm, Twilight. She's agreed to leave you be for now, so you can dream in safety," said Cadance.

I sighed. Secretly, I felt burdened by the fact that, here I was, foalnapped and helpless, and yet they still won't force themselves upon me. I don't want them to, obviously, but being kept in this sort of "limbo" between both sides of the conflict is weighing heavily on my mind. I'm sure Brother knows this. I think he wants this to wear me down.

I'm afraid that it's working.

"Do you have any questions about the Order of Spring?" asked Cadance, gently touching my face with a hoof.

I blinked a few times. "Um, well, yeah. I still have lots of questions, and I guess there's no point at hiding my ignorance now that I'm a prisoner," I said, emphasizing that last word with some extra-syrupy sarcasm.

"You won't be for long, Twilight. It's a temporary condition," she countered in a soothing voice. "But please, ask away."

"Okay..." I said, sitting up in the bed, while Cadance remained lying down. The bed was small enough for it to be a little cramped. I paused to mentally arrange all of the missing information into a hierarchy of importance, withholding the horn-stuff that apparently Ponies Were Not Meant to Know for now. My chaperone waited patiently, a gentle smile on her muzzle. (It felt just a little smug to me, but I'm sure it's just my mind overreacting. Can you blame me? That was rhetorical, Journal, but no. No, you cannot.)

First, the most salient question (naturally). "What exactly is the Order of Spring?"

"I was fairly certain that'd be your first question, smarty-pants," said Cadance with a genuine grin. "The Order of Spring is a mixture of philosophical theory and practice which stem from following one's natural instincts, the way our forebears used to before Princess Celestia clamped down on certain kinds of information. It also refers to the powerful drive within us all, one which we vamponies are uniquely in touch with, that prompts us to follow the Order."

"Okay. Where does the name come from? I assume it refers to the fact that most mammals who aren't sapient mate in the Spring," I said. "And you all act like brainless, sex-crazed animals, so there's that."

If Candace were offended, she hid it well (which was nice—I was being kind of a bitch). She replied, "It does refer to that, but there's some history to it. It would be better for you to get it from the horse's mouth, I think."

"You mean from Princess Luna directly? Can I speak with her?" I said.

About then, there was a series of knocks on the door. I tried to open it telekinetically, then sighed again (a bit angrily this time). Right. No magic.

Princess Cadance opened the door manually. There was a nightwing standing behind the doorway, holding a tray with breakfast for two. He also stood on two feet and balanced the tray easily on his forehooves. Naturally, he also had an erection dribbling with what I assume was pre-ejaculate (I think Pinkie called that pre-cum or something), but it could have been urine or maybe some unholy mix of the two. I felt the urge to lick it off, and I quickly suppressed that urge, because that is really bucking disgusting.

I've already been familiarized with the utility of having two legs free for manipulation (it's extremely handy when you don't have a horn), and I'm starting to wonder why this strange behavior isn't taught to all vamponies. It's useful if it can be learned. I suppose we got along just fine without it for a thousand years, but still...

He set the breakfast down on a small table near the corner of the room.

"Bon appétit, Lady and cunt," he said, with a smile so cheery for a moment I worried he'd just delivered us poisoned waffles.

"Thank you, Master Moon Black," said Cadance, nodding her head. Then the nightwing 'Master' petted her mane as though she were a lost puppy. It should have turned my stomach, but it didn't. Instead, I felt envious. I still do.

I'm losing my mind, Journal, but this should go without saying.

I sat down at the little table with Cadance. It was a bit cramped, which made our rear legs bump against each other. At first, I thought it wasn't intentional, but I'm not sure why I made that bizarre leap of logic. It didn't take long for me to realize that she was... molesting me? Flirting? I don't know what to call it, and I don't suppose it mattered.

The worst part of it is that there wasn't anything erotic about what she was doing: she was just gently stroking her hoof against my ankle, and that was that. It wasn't like she was rubbing up any higher than that. It was almost like a friend offering a free massage, if the friend was a crazy nightblood monster who wanted to sink her fangs into your pussy and was doing nothing whatsoever to hide that fact from you.

I blushed, but I didn't move my leg. There wasn't a lot of room, and... well, it felt nice. I needed a hug, not this, but this was something.

"You're cute when you blush," whispered Cadance, between sips of orange juice. She batted her mascara-covered eyes at me, which only made me blush harder.

"This is so hard for me..." I said more to myself than her. She got the hint when she saw my downcast face, and she stopped.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to squick you, Twily. It's difficult, though. You're just... well, so beautiful," said Cadance.

My face soured. "Are you trying to make fun of me?" I accused.

"No!" said Cadance, holding up her forehooves. "Twilight, you are seriously attractive. I've always felt that way, I just didn't start masturbating to thinking about you until the vampony thing."

"Oh, eww." I grimaced pretty hard.

Cadance rolled her eyes. "Look, you and your brother are both really cute. I can't believe this is news to you."

"You're insane," I said, rather angrily.

"Sweetie... Can you actually look in the mirror and tell me you don't think you're pretty?" The look of sheer disbelief on her face was so strong that I couldn't interpret it as sarcasm. But it made no sense. She was nuts, I thought.

"I... I can. I'm not pretty, Cadance. I'm not anything like you, or Princess Celestia, or Rarity, or AJ, or Pinkie, or Fluttershy, or Rainbow Dash. I'm a homely bookworm. You're only saying this because you're afflicted with a mental disorder," I said.

"Oh my Stars... you, you actually mean it...?" she said, holding a hoof over her mouth. "Twilight, listen carefully to me. I'm a bookworm. Being a bookworm has nothing to do with it. What in Equestria could possibly make you think you weren't attractive?"

I started feeling more uncomfortable than when she'd been rubbing me beneath the table.

"Well, for starters, I've never even been on a date, okay?" I said, the frustration quickly rising in my voice. "Nopony approaches me to ask me out, or tries to court me, or anything. It's just like it was in school."

"Twilight, you never paid attention to anypony at school. Your brother and I both tried to get you to come out of your shell. Tartarus, don't you remember the colt who tried to ask you to the prom? You rebuffed him immediately!" said Cadance. "I had to explain to him that you didn't mean to act like that, you were just, well... married to books, basically."

I didn't remember that, but I couldn't argue it. It was true—I frequently ignored other ponies, and even answered questions without hearing them spoken all the way. "Do you wanna..." is all I needed to say "no", because all I wanted was already in my hooves.

Shit, I was pathetic. I'm so grateful to Celestia and my friends... learning the magic of friendship has meant everything. It's the only reason I'm still fighting.

"Okay, maybe. Everypony gets somepony desperate enough who's willing to try—"

"Twilight, NO."

"I mean, look at me now, okay? I'm a freaking princess and I still don't get any romantic attention!" I pounded my hoof on the table.

Cadance facehoofed. "Twilight, don't you see? That's exactly WHY," she said. "Ponies are afraid to approach you because of your status. They used to be afraid to approach you because you were Celestia's personal student. Now they're afraid to approach you because you're a princess. And they've always been afraid to approach you because of how pretty you are."

"I... I'm sorry. I just can't believe this," I said. "It's too much, especially now."

"It's fortunate that your brother was a friend I got to know while babysitting you. I'm the one that had to talk to him first," she said. "Being a princess can be a royal pain, pun intended, but not intended to detract from the seriousness of what I'm saying here. Unlike everypony else, I was able to convince him I was a normal pony. There's nothing more valuable to a princess than having her friends realize that."

Suddenly my conversation with Celestia came rushing back to my senses. "I... yeah," I whispered, taking a big bite of waffle before speaking again, because I had too much to think about. Cadance patiently waited until I finished. "That's what Celestia wanted from me, you know? It's something I've never been able to give her." My face was blank, and I felt hollow inside.

"You can give her that. And I'm not trying to shill here, but that's a big part of what the Order is for."

"How so?"

"Following the Order means we don't look at ponies based on status. We look at them based on their needs. Princess Celestia needs you to be a friend to her, not to put her on some giant altar," she said. "It took me a long time to be able to do that, and even I've been kept at leg's length. We're going to change that. She's going to be loved, Twilight. Not worshipped."

I shuddered. "I don't want to talk about this." I resumed eating, trying to shovel food in my mouth to get it over with more quickly.

"Twilight, I'm sorry. If I knew what I could do to make you feel better, I would do it in a heartbeat." She made no effort to hide the look of concern and pity resting on her muzzle.

I took a large swig of juice, then a deep breath. "Then let me go," I said, flatly.

Cadance sighed. "That wouldn't make you feel better, Twilight, and I think you know that by now. You'd still be suffering."

I stuffed my face with waffle and stared down at my plate. It wasn't like I could contradict her. She was right. Letting me go wouldn't stop my suffering. Even if I win it won't stop my suffering, will it?

Maybe I just need to die. Maybe that's all that's left for me after this. I don't know. If I can get my friends back, they'll help me make sense of all this, and I can start to feel happy again. I hope.

We finished the meal in silence, then she carried the tray out and left it just outside the door. I found a toothbrush my color in the bathroom, and one Cadance's. This was obvious enough, so I brushed my teeth (with mine—though I was tempted to be a brat about it). Then I showered, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. My body still smelled faintly of Rainbow Dash. If I could tell, every vampony within a mile could. Might as well try to preserve what little dignity I have left.

I regretted it as soon as I exited the shower. I already missed her stink. No... it was our stink. That's what I missed. Journal, I don't even care if it's gross and I'm fucked in the head, I just want some reminder of a friend who loves me, a friend I can still trust. That's who Rainbow Dash is.

Princess Cadance was brushing her teeth with my toothbrush, and I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Really? Ugh, Cadence! We can't even do hygiene right in crazy sexfuck horse utopia?!"

She spat into the sink and giggled. "I'm sorry! You can use the one that looks like me. That was kind of the intent," she said.

I facehoofed, which served the bonus purpose of masking some of my blush. "Cadance... you're getting off on using my toothbrush, aren't you?" I accused, and looked back up to her with an exasperated expression.

She looked comically taken aback, and her eyes nervously shifted left and right. "Nooooo...?" she said.

Despite all the swirling mess of emotions in my fractured mind, I couldn't help but snort a giggle. She giggled with me, and it was like everything was normal again—at least for a second or two.

Dear Celestia, how I miss you Cadence. You're right there in front of me, but I can't let myself believe it's really you or I'll give in completely.

She took me back in the room to the table. My journal was there, and also a fresh stack of scrap paper.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"Notes, of course. You'll probably want to organize the information you get from us today before transcribing it in your journal."

I frowned and sighed. "I... I just don't understand. How can you be so much like my Cadance and so different from her at the same time?"

"Different how? The point of view about sex?"

"Yes, obviously!" I said, rubbing the base of my horn with a hoof. "How did this happen to you, Cadance? Why would you let my brother do something like this?"

"We did it willingly, together, Twilight. I'm still the Cadance you've always known."

"I want to believe that."

"Then why won't you?"

I scoffed. "Well, first of all, it's a common misconception that a pony has any control over what they believe. Studies show that pony minds retroactively provide 'causes' for their behavior to justify—"

"Twilight, I know that. This is Cadance you're talking to," she said, with a dismissive frown. "Do we need to do the dance together?"

I immediately wanted to say yes just for the fun of it, but there's no bucking way "do a little shake" wouldn't turn into something grotesque.

"Give me pi to ten digits," I demanded.

She didn't even hesitate. "3.14159 and the rest don't matter unless you're trying to win the geek-of-the-year award, or else are using applied mathematics in a tightly circumscribed area where nearly-perfect circles exist, such as calculating the number of atoms in a spherical crystal of silicon."

"Okay, Sis. Er, in-Law, I mean. Let's try deeper interpretation rather than rote knowledge. In physics, what does Plug's constant represent?" I asked.

"You can call me Sis, Twily. I'd like that," she said with a soft smile. "And I don't know where you're going with this, but I'll play along, because I'm as big of a dork as my favorite little pony to sit for." Her voice became lecture-y, kind of like mine when I'm spouting facts. It's pretty cute, even though it's incredibly dorky. Maybe this is what Dash sees in me? That would be so 'awesome'. Heh.

I mean, it can't be the looks. Could it? No. It's probably just the vampony thing, and if Dash and AJ weren't mentally damaged like this, they would never want to be close to—

No. I have to stop thinking about this altogether and just write down what happened.

(I had just asked Cadance about Plug's constant.)

"The Plug constant, or Plug's constant, is the quantum of action. That is to say, it is the smallest possible rate by which energy can transfer, and energy can only transfer at integer multiples of that exact value," answered Cadance. "It isn't a literal amount in the classic sense, however, because at the quantum level where this action can exist, energy transfer does not take on specific concrete values due to the wavefunction property of particles and systems that are unentangled with an observer."

"That... that's exactly right," I said, my mouth hanging open afterwards.

"You expected less?" she asked, raising a brow.

I shook my head rapidly, not to deny the question but to try to refocus. "Okay, then let's try new learning and memory. What was the first thing I said through the door yesterday—or if you weren't present, what was the first thing you clearly heard me say?"

Princess Cadance squinted. "Wow. Okay, um... I think you said, 'If I open the door, there's no funny business'? It was close to that."

I nodded. "Pretty close, which is well within normal bounds for an intelligent pony. Question four. Long-term retr—"

"Twilight, stop. Are you doing this because you think that I'm... like, cognitively disabled?"

I pursed my lips and nervously looked down to the stack of paper I had yet to touch. "Maybe?" I said, softly.

When I looked back up, Cadance was rolling her eyes. "I'm still me, Twilight. There's no difference between who I used to be and who I am now, other than my beliefs have shifted a little, and that was mostly from experience and calm discussion."

"Cadance. Did you have the brain thing done?" I asked.

"Yes, of course," she said, with a shrug. "Being broken is the defining act of losing your marbles. The pun was Rarity's idea, by the way, but I love it—it's essential to have a good sense of humor when things are difficult."

My eyes started to tear up. "Sis, I... I don't want you to have a damaged brain!" I whined. She stepped out of her chair and walked over to hug me. I pushed her away, even though I desperately needed that hug. Instead, I hugged my own barrel with my forelegs. She didn't say anything for a few awkward seconds.

Finally, she spoke. "Losing your marbles doesn't hurt your brain, Twilight. It makes it better. I'm not lying to you."

"Then tell me exactly what the breakstone does. What does it do, and where does it come from?" I asked. "Tell me now!"

Cadance still looked hurt by my rejection. She didn't offer another hug, but she tried gingerly to touch my face with a hoof. I pulled back a little, but I quickly changed my mind and leaned my head a little toward her hoof. She touched my cheek gently. I leaned forward more, and she pulled me into her legs, right there on the floor. I cried a few tears.

It would be so much easier if she seemed like a lobotomy case. I mean, that's the opposite of what I want, but she's in there, Journal, I know she is. Almost all of this pony is the Princess Cadance I know and love. I don't even see the irrationality, apart from all the flirting.

"Do you want to cuddle on the bed?" she whispered in my ear, but this time it wasn't a creepy whisper. It was a friendly, concerned one.

"N-no, I'm okay. Th-thank you." I slowly broke the embrace and sat back down. "I think I'm ready now."

Cadance nodded, but she seemed extra-concerned. It makes sense, really. I'm totally bucking losing it here, Journal. You can only be pushed too far before you break. (That word choice was not a coincidence.)

Cadance sat down and hoofed me a quill and ink, and a small glowing gem.

"What's this for?" I asked. Curiosity momentarily staunched my emotions, and it was a welcome respite.

"Mage sight, so you can see when you write in your journal later."

I sighed and stomped a hoof. "Right, fuck. It's hard to get used to not having magic."

Cadance smiled. "Oh, it's not that bad."

"How can you even say that?" I asked.

"Some things are more important than magic, Twily. Like love. Friendship is the strongest magic there is," she said, and placed her hooves on mine. "But let's focus on the questions for now, okay?"

"Okay," I said, and I started to feel better. (Less numb, at least.)

Princess Cadance and I spent what felt like two or three hours (there was no clock in the room, probably for reasons related to my imprisonment) going over the basics of vampony culture, including the different kinds of vamponies and their innate need for blood and sex. That exchange of genetic information and emotional energy must somehow fuel the magic that allows their remarkable abilities to function. (These phenomena go far beyond what is possible by some kind of natural mutation of genetic and epigenetic factors.)

At first I didn't understand why she was being so forthcoming with this information. I assumed it must be the brain damage. But now I'm pretty sure it's because she knows I'm powerless, despite Luna's prediction (I'll get to that in the next entry). There might be other causes, though. Maybe she feels pity for me. Maybe she doesn't think vampony weaknesses are exploitable, and maybe she's right. Maybe she just wants me to know because she's tired of hiding. But each little fact I learn makes me feel like I'm being trained rather than informed.

I'm hurt and scared, Journal. I need to start swallowing my emotions entirely. Twilight Sparkle is a rock. Twilight Sparkle is a vacuum. Twilight Sparkle is an empty void.

Twilight Sparkle is a cunt?

...maybe.

I'm just going to try to be nothing at all. I'll hide all the pain and confusion in that hollowness I feel in my barrel, and I'll do it out of love for my friends. Not myself—I'm not worth fighting for. I probably never was.

There. Much better. Let's continue.

There were only two things we didn't cover that appear in the Glossary. The first one was all of the bauble stuff, because Cadance figured Rarity would want to clue me in there soon enough. The second one was that she wouldn't answer my questions about the origins of the Order. I didn't put anything about that in the Glossary, but there are probably a few details here and there about how the infection works, and all of that came from Luna. So, that's exactly what Cadance told me: I'll get to ask Princess Luna, because she knows the history better than anypony. She lived through it.

But there's more to report prior to those meetings, although with less drama from me, hopefully. I should be able to cover all of that stuff in the next entry. I'm hurrying to finish it, because apparently somepony is stopping by soon. Shining says it's somepony I know pretty well.

Please, please, please don't be Spike.