Big problem. Pinkie doesn't know where Spike is. I'm about to nap until morning, but first here's the conversation between us over the past hour, including the parts I probably should have the sense to leave out but I know I won't. Ugh.

"He must have left after I did," Pinkie said. "I just went out to do recon on Rarity and Big Macintosh, so I've been gone maybe an hour, two at most."

"I don't like this, Pinkie. Spike wouldn't leave without leaving me a note," I pointed out.

"Oh! I saw him writing on a scroll before I left," she said. "Maybe he hid it for a scavenger hunt!"

"Pinkie, he wouldn't waste a magic scroll! Not unless it was important. Look here..." I said, then rummaged around in my desk.

All of my scratch paper was gone, save a couple of pieces which were originally on top the desk that I'd used yesterday. I had had about 4.3 reams of it left.

"Oh for crying out loud! Seriously?" I groaned. "The bandits who took my scrolls must have taken my paper too. I guess just to mess with me?"

I quickly ran upstairs and checked supplies.

"He did use a scroll for something! It must be what ended up in the fireplace. Was there a fire burning?" I asked.

"Only a teeny tiny one!" Pinkie said, holding her hooves very close together to illustrate.

"If the scroll wasn't properly addressed to anypony, it would just burn up if it landed in the fireplace," I realized. "Dammit, Spike. I wish he'd taken a page out of my journal rather than using a scroll for a note. Then again, maybe he didn't have a way to read it so he'd know he wasn't ripping out text. I forgot to ask him how he read it before."

I thought for a moment. Two of Celestia's three blank scrolls were gone now: one burnt, the other sent to Trixie. I only had one blank scroll left, plus the one I kept in my tail that's already addressed for emergency purposes.

And that's when the horrible realization smacked me across the horn.

"Oh no. I can't have been that stupid. Please, please, please be wrong," I said, taking out the third blank scroll and lighting up my horn.

There was a message on it in a similar invisible ink to the one I use! One-third of a message, anyway. And, of course, it was the middle third: the most annoying possible third of all three thirds that happen to be thirds of a message.

"Fuck," I spat.

"Really?!" said Pinkie Pie, her eyes wide.

I glared at Pinkie, and she pouted.

"Trixie has one of the thirds, and the last third is lost if it's the burnt scroll in the fireplace. Trixie might send her scroll back to me, though, because I gave her that option. Shit, shit, shit. I can't believe I didn't look at it using magic light," I said.

"Live and learn?" said Pinkie, trying to cheer me up.

"I just assumed from the tone of the coded letter she sent me that she wouldn't need to send me another message at the same time. So stupid," I griped, seriously angry with myself.

"Maybe there's enough of a message for you to get the message here?" asked Pinkie.

"Here's all I've got." I read the message out loud. I have it copied here in case I need to reuse the back of the scroll (which will be likely).

was not a bluff. Apparently, the Crystal Royal Guard are indeed under Fluttershy's control. Her story is that Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor left to go somewhere (she claims not to know where) for a second honeymoon, and left her in charge of the Empire. Did I mention it was Fluttershy acting as regent? Your friend, the yellow one who rarely speaks in public? The Captain of the Guard or a Minister of the Cabinet should be the Head of State in a situation like this, not a friend from another land. Of course, Fluttershy's story makes no sense, but I did not push the issue. The Guardship appears to agree with her, which means Princess Cadance must have put her in charge before leaving, and she must have had good reason. It seems very likely that Fluttershy shares a secret with your brother and sister-in-law, but I don't know what that secret might be. Princess Luna previously warned me about Cadance's dreams, as she did with you. I haven't heard from Luna or anypony else since my arrival, and this begins to concern me.

Now the train station is blocked, supposedly due to weather, and I cannot leave the Empire. I have been given guest quarters in the castle, but my sleep is uneasy. Fortunately, I have the ability to protect myself while I sleep, and I doubt the entire Guardship could take me prisoner even if it came to that. However, I do not trust Fluttershy while she holds these secrets from me. What could Fluttershy, Cadance, and Shining Armor be hiding from us, Twilight? Have you uncovered any information about this mystery? I still haven't a guess. Talking to the guards is yielding no fruit; it is clear they have been ordered to keep quiet, and I think many of them are as clueless as I am (though the ones posted to my door seem to be hiding something).

Your suspicions were absolutely correct, Princess Twilight Sparkle. I've learned to trust your judgment sometimes above even my own, and it is a good thing I

I furrowed my brow in confusion, staring at the scroll. "This makes no sense, Pinkie. She sent this note after sending me the coded message about the vamponies, and this is clearly her hoofwriting, unless I mistranlated—" I said, then froze in mid-sentence.

"I'm... guessing the brainfreeze means you mistranslated," said Pinkie Pie.

There was a very soft knock at the door. Pinkie went to get the door, let Zecora in, and they both walked back upstairs to see me.

"...and then her brain kind of stopped at 'mistranslated'," said Pinkie, apparently catching Zecora up in short order.

If I were at my desk, I'd have literally slammed my head into it. I settled for a hoof to the forehead. "The coded message was a fake! A guard handed it to me, I just trusted him because he pretended to not know what the batponies were doing. Argh! Somepony probably wrote it to waste my time, or convince me to sit around waiting for Celestia to send a message that might not arrive," I said. "I can't believe it. Two fatal mistakes, one after the other. And I didn't even stop to realize that at least one of the scrolls would need to be addressed for Celestia to even be able to send them to me at all!"

"You have been under stress quite high; mistakes are bound: just let them die," said Zecora, gently placing a hoof on my withers.

"Wait, does this mean we should be doing the opposite of what the coded message said, then?" said Pinkie, scrunching up her face in apparent confusion.

"Not necessarily, no," I explained. "Just because the enemy wants something doesn't mean the opposite would serve them any worse. But in this case... maybe."

Zecora shook her head. "To lose element of surprise, might just hasten your friends' demise."

I paused in thought. "Telling the town would lead to outright war, and totally blow our cover. That isn't what we want," I said. "Telling a few trustworthy ponies might work, however. But even though I'm a princess, most ponies in this town trust Rarity and Big Macintosh more than Spike or me or even Zecora. They've been around a hell of a lot longer than we have, and anyway, the rumors are that I'm totally nuts. Cheerilee would believe me, but she's already compromised. Wait! Mayor Mare!" I realized.

"...just left for Canterlot," said Pinkie Pie, with a sheepish grin. "Yesterday afternoon, while you were sleeping."

"Ugh! Okay, okay. So, I guess it would need to be somepony who would trust Pinkie Pie more than Rarity. No offense Pinkie, but that's a tall order... Wait, maybe the Cakes? Pinkie?" I asked.

"Oh! No, wait. I think somepony got to them. I'm sorry Twilight! I mean, I don't think they're vamponies, but I think Rarity warned them about me being weird or something, because they've been keeping tabs on me," she said. "I've had to get reeeeeally creative with my fake-Pinkie-sleeping-strategy. See, I use Gummy to make the sleeping sounds, and I have this wicker basket—"

"Eager little ball of Pink: give Twilight some room to think!" Zecora chastised, then headed to the basement (presumably to resume work).

"I'm sorry Twilight. I just want to help," said Pinkie Pie. "I know I get carried away."

She looked sad, so I hugged her. "It's okay," I said, and she cheered right up.

Then she kissed my horn, and I felt a shiver pass through it.

"Pinkie, th-that's kind of personal," I complained, even though it felt amazing. I could feel my horn thrumming, kind of like when it casts a spell, but different. It was deeper, gentler, and not under my control. I saw the tiniest glow come from it, as well, which is something I've never really seen a horn do before.

"Well yeah! Hornboners are super-personal," she grinned.

"Hornboners?" I asked, incredulous. "This cannot be a thing, Pinkie. I've never heard of it."

"Probably because it's illegal, silly! Even I know that," she admitted.

She's right. It's like, the first thing unicorn foals are taught: never let anypony touch your horn, period. Not even your spouse. Even parents stop touching it once the foal learns to clean themself. The only exception is for doctors or hooficure specialists or whatever, and even they're never supposed to touch it with a bare hoof. It's such a huge taboo I never stopped to realize it might be illegal. There's no specific law about it, but it would fall under assault and gross indecency. You're not supposed to touch your own horn either, unless you're cleaning it (at least that's what I was taught back when my parents weren't horrible perverts).

"I guess you're right. But it's illegal for a reason, Pinkie."

"Which is?"

I paused. "Okay, I don't know, apart from tradition. I know why it's illegal for someone other than your spouse to touch it, but I guess I don't see why your spouse or even your sexual partner shouldn't be able to touch it. Are you sure that would get you in trouble?"

Pinkie's eyes widened and she nodded. "It sure will! The same thing is true for wings," she added. "I always make sure somepony I'm with is 100% okay with hornstuff before I do hornstuff because I really don't want to end up on the registry of doom," she said. "But fortunately I'm a mare, so I can get away with a lot more."

"What do you mean with wings? You mean, you're not supposed to touch them? Why wouldn't Rainbow teach me that?" I asked.

"It's not quite as severe there. You can do it with your spouse. I mean, preening, and touching wingboners and stuff," she said.

"Wingboners? Pinkie, you're pulling my hoof," I said.

"Oh! Can't forget hoofboners! But only earth ponies get those, and since you're not a full alicorn you shouldn't get them. Celestia and Luna do though!" said Pinkie.

"Okay, now I know you're kidding. This is insane. I believe the horn thing, but..."

Pinkie Pie reached over and placed her mouth around my horn, encircling it with her vampony tongue. Suddenly, my wings flew open wide.

"Pinkie stop," I gasped, already (ugh) wet.

She slurped off of the horn, which was throbbing and tingling with pleasure. Something in my wings felt strange, too. Unbelievable; she was totally right.

"Do you want to see a hoofboner?" she asked with a grin.

"Oh, no. No more transformations," I begged.

"Don't worry, Twilight! It's not a vampony thing. Here," she said, and she led me to the pile of cushions and shoved me backwards. I fell back onto them, unable to stop myself. Looking up at Pinkie I felt something tickle between my thighs—she'd just pushed me over without asking? Why was this arousing me?

Pinkie removed one shoe and rubbed her hoof against the cushions. "Don't be shy, just kiss it," she ordered.

Now let me be ultra-super-extra-clear: I was repulsed. This was the underside of somepony's hoof: the frog, the nail, all of that, touching the ground over and over. Even if you wear shoes, it gets a little dirty. Granted, it wasn't dirty, but it smelled a little, and it wasn't appetizing. But once again, something about the experience clicked, and I was incredibly horny.

I sat there, kind of dumbfounded, and then she said, "Here, let me help you!"

And she shoved the frog of her foot right up against my lips. Like she wanted a kiss. It was disgusting. But...

I inhaled deeply, despite myself, then I pushed it a little away from my muzzle with my hooves. Pinkie was standing over me, basically stepping on my face. The frog was so pretty—yes I know it's disgusting, but the curves, I never really noticed what an underhoof looks like before, not this close anyway. It was pretty, and it smelled strange and somehow intoxicating, and I actually licked my lips and kissed it. My wings splayed out from under me as I did, and my horn still throbbed.

"Ooh, good princess," she giggled. "Give it a little lick, it's okay!" she encouraged.

"Pinkie, this is sick," I whispered against her hoof, snuffling a little, and then I went and licked it anyway.

I licked her right in the cleft of her frog. It was (ew) tangy, but not that bad. Earthen, primal, in a sense. I don't think the frog is really where most of the odor comes from, anyway, I think it's the unmanicured nail of the hoof that does it, but I didn't mind the smell anymore, and in fact I was starting to love it. I realized I was turning into a pervert right then and there, and I loved that too. Fuck, it's awful, but it was so hot, I just can't explain it.

Pinkie Pie gasped, and that's when I felt it. The frog thickened and pressed back against my tongue. It pulsed. It was a hoofboner. Pinkie immediately got wet (I could smell that too, even this close to the hoof), and she moaned out loud. I tasted the tiniest traces of hoofgoo on it, too: not enough to affect me, but pleasant nonetheless. I'm pretty sure as a half-vampony I have slightly enhanced senses, actually; I'm going to miss those. Anyway, Pinkie was making noises of ecstasy, and I really hoped Zecora couldn't hear us, but I couldn't stop. I started kissing and nibbling and sucking on the base of Pinkie's hoof, listening to her little squeals of pleasure, and the only thing that could have stopped us, actually happened (probably for the best, but at the time I was disappointed).

"Holy shit," said Spike. He was standing on the upstairs landing, watching us; and yes, he was... you know, down there. I still don't like saying it. (Actually, I was so shocked and embarrassed, I forgot to berate him for the expletive.)

"Spike!" I yelped, and tried to cover myself up with a blanket. I pushed Pinkie's hoof so far back she nearly toppled.

"Please, don't stop," he begged, eyes wide.

"NO. I'll talk to you in a minute. Go put ice on that thing," I ordered him.

Spike sighed. "Should've kept my big yap shut," he griped. "It's nice to see you loosening up though, Twilight."

"I'm not loose! I'm just... Pinkie was teaching me about hoofboners—oh Celestia that sounds so incredibly stupid when I say it."

"Twilight, I know about hoofboners," said Spike, rolling his eyes almost like I was the foal.

"What? How do you know about hoofboners?!"

"I overheard Fluttershy and Rarity about a year ago, when she first started dating Mac," he shrugged, then walked into the kitchen to get some ice (I didn't mean literally, but hay, if it works).

"But Fluttershy and Mac weren't having sex before the vampony thing. Applejack was very clear about that," I said.

"Um, Twilight," said Pinkie, shivering as she wiped her foot on a blanket and replaced her shoe. "I hate to tell you this, but AJ was just being polite in front of other ponies. Of course they were having sex. Applejack knows that. That's what ponies in love do," she explained.

"What?! They've been having sex for a year?" I facehoofed with both forehooves. "How could I have missed all of this?"

"You've always been kind of a prude—no offense," said Pinkie Pie, with a sheepish grin. "Again, we were going to start working with you on that. Starting with the Pony Piles, then moving into other fun stuff," she giggled. "But then the vampony thing happened and everything had to speed up."

"I have lived a sheltered life. I never knew," I murmured.

"Well, it's just how your parents wanted to raise you," said Pinkie, "coupled with not doing much with friends until you moved to Ponyville. Usually this is stuff kids talk about, not adults. It's harder to break the ice..."

"Speaking of which," Spike called from the kitchen, "this hurts. How long do I need to punish myself?"

"It's not punishment. I just meant cool down and put that thing away. It was a figure of speech," I explained.

"What? Sheesh," he wailed. "Well, you win sis, it's definitely away." I heard sounds of Spike cleaning up in the kitchen.

I turned my attention back to Pinkie. "So you're saying I can't do that. The hoof thing, I mean," I said.

"If Rarity's correct, yeah. You don't have the strength and mass and other neat stuff earth ponies have because you're a pegacorn rather than a full alicorn," she said.

"I never thought earth pony nature would have added any abilities. I mean, I figure, aren't unicorns just earth ponies with horns?" I asked, and immediately regretted it. Pinkie Pie's sour expression made me wince.

"NO, Twilight. Earth ponies aren't just unicorns with our horns chopped off, or pegasi without wings," she said.

"Hmm. Well, that's true. At least pegasi without wings could stand on clouds," I said, then noticed her exasperated expression. "No! I mean, obviously, there's more to earth ponies, it's just not something they teach us much about in school. Yes, I know you have incredible mass and leg strength."

Pinkie seemed to brighten right up. "Yep! Other stuff too, but earth ponies mainly keep to ourselves about earth pony stuff. But let's see," she said, lifting my hoof and immediately kissing and licking it.

"Okay, that feels weird. And it tickles. It's maybe a little bit erotic, because you're licking me at all, maybe even moreso because it's the hoof, but I don't feel anything swelling," I admitted.

Pinkie rubbed at the cleft of my frog with her hoof. "Yep! Rarity's right."

"We don't know that. Alicorns might not get hoofboners," I countered, once again feeling ridiculous for using 'hoofboners' in a sentence. (Great, and now I just did it twice in one sentence.)

"I dunno, Twilight. I'm pretty sure I've seen Luna with a hoofboner before. I wandered into one of her dreams once," Pinkie confessed.

"Oh, well... Wait, you wandered into her dream? What?" I said. (But to be honest, I probably shouldn't be surprised at anything Pinkie can do at this point.)

"Yep! It was an accident, though. I can't do intentionals," she said.

Spike walked over. I stood up and the three of us went upstairs for a quick meeting to catch up on actual, non-hoofboner-related details.

"Okay. First off, where the hay were you, Spike?" I asked.

"Hay, I left a note!"

"Did you use one of the scrolls?" I asked.

"Yeah, but just the edge of one. It's totally still useable."

"It blew into the fireplace."

"Oh, aheh. Sorry."

"It'd be okay if it didn't have one-third of a letter from Princess Celestia on it," I said.

"What?!" yelped Spike.

"Twilight said, 'It'd be okay if it didn't'—" Pinkie Pie began.

"I think he heard me, Pinkie."

"Sweet Celestia, I had no idea! I'm so sorry Twilight, I—"

"It's okay. I was really, really stupid not to check the scrolls for information. Here's the middle of the message she sent me," I said, then read it aloud again.

"Ooh! It sounds even better the second time you hear it," Pinkie commented.

"But that doesn't make sense," said Spike.

"I know. The coded message is a forgery," I said.

Spike frowned and looked really guilty. I reached over and hugged him.

"It's going to be okay, these things happen. Neither one of us knew. But where were you?" I asked.

"Oh, I was, um... I was asleep. Outside on the balcony," he said.

"It's misty and cold outside. Why the hay were you there?" I asked.

Spike shrugged. "I couldn't get to sleep in here, so I went outside, but then I fell asleep?" he said, more like a question than an answer though.

I nodded. "Alright, I'm just glad you're okay."

"Oh! Oh!" said Pinkie, raising her hoof.

"Yes. Pinkie," I called.

"I did some recon. Not much to report, except Granny Smith seems to be locked down in her house. And she looks a lot younger, too!" she said.

"Eww. Just no. They wouldn't possibly involve... Wait. Does being a vampony reverse aging or make you immortal or something?" I asked.

Pinkie shook her head. "I don't think so. It does shape your appearance a little, though, so maybe that's it. Or maybe they just got her lots of plastic surgery so the sex would be hotter—"

Spike mock-vomited (at least, I hope it was pretend), holding his claws over his mouth. "Ugh. Sorry, that's too much for me," he said, and left for bed (inside, this time). He still looks pretty guilty, but I'm sure it's because of the letter. He'll let it go soon.

"Well, Smith Apple is assumed compromised. That's about all the ponies in town who might trust any of us," I sighed.

"Wait," said Pinkie. "Apple Bloom is good friends with Zecora!"

"That's true. She's good friends with me, too," I said. "Actually, any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders would listen to me, but don't you think Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle are already... Celestia, I can't imagine even the vamponies would do something like that to little foals," I said, disgusted by the very thought. "Until I find out otherwise, I will assume they are in danger and need our protection. But we can't go to them as a first resort. It's still too dangerous. If only Rainbow Dash were here," I said. "Or Applejack. Either one of them would be able to round up the town's support in a heartbeat."

Pinkie Pie had already fallen asleep on the floor.

I'm taking a nap until dawn, myself, after I reverse the infection again. Then I can finally start work on an all-situation counterspell to reverse this madness.

I don't know what can be done for the brain thing, but I guess we'll deal with that once everything is mostly back to normal. Baby hoofsteps.

Still, I can't shake a nagging feeling. If hornboners and hoofboners and wingboners are all similar, then why is it illegal to touch another unicorn's horn? Just tradition, I suppose, but it still seems very strange it would be verboten even for sex between spouses. It's another one of those things that I never thought about, but now that I do, I really don't get it.

I wish I could talk to Celestia.

...wait. Did Spike call me 'sis'?