I have confirmed that it is Day 51. Thank goodness for telescopes.

The first dream memories were a bit hazy and insubstantial, despite the clarity of the memory. The dream itself was hazy and insubstantial, I mean.

I was galloping at full tilt through the woods, away from something. Somethings, rather. I would look back over my shoulder and see red eyes smouldering in the dark, with lines of light coming off of them like bright LEDs being swung about during a rave (no, I haven't been to one, but yes, I know about them through Pinkie Pie—I'll add it to my bucket list later).

The eyes kept following me, first glowing a reddish-pink color, then slowly drifting in hue to a bright yellow, which is where they stopped. A very bright, kind of hazel-yellow. The same color as wolf eyes I've seen, like one Fluttershy tends.

Also the exact color of my father's eyes.

Now, lots of ponies have eyes that color. The color doesn't mean anything, but I remember how I felt at that moment, too. It was from memories of Dad, I just know it, and there were dozens of these things chasing me. It's not surprising or anything. I mean, I'd just been sort-of raped by both of my parents.

Okay, actually raped. I have to stop sugar-coating it. I mean, it wasn't quite so traumatic like you'd expect or anything, but it was rape, right? I didn't want to be there, and I was there, and I couldn't get away, and there was sex. That's what rape is. I just...

Look. I don't know what my problem is. Being raped by your family is horrible, but that isn't really what the problem is, and there is a problem. I have a problem. It still bothers me now just remembering it, and it's making it hard to even start describing my dream—especially given that the eye color of the creatures chasing me has nothing to do with anything important when you look at the big picture, except I know it was Dad somehow. The problem...

The problem—and I hesitate to even bring this up, but apparently I have to do it now if I want to keep writing about it—is that, well...

I mean, I've actually said it already. It wasn't traumatic. Not in retrospect. That is the problem.

The fact that the rape wasn't traumatic, I mean. It was rape, obviously, duh. Clearly. And I felt horrible during, and horrible afterwards, and I still do. But it's much more of a "my parents are worried about me" horrible than a "they did something bad to me" horrible. At first I thought this was because I was "numb" after everything I'd gone through. I've read about rape survivors so I know about it, and that seemed totally logical at the time. But as more time passes, I'm starting to realize I don't know what I feel. I know what I'm supposed to feel, and it's not there.

Maybe it was easier because I had no way to fight back (I've read about that too). I don't know. I just feel bad when I think about it because I actually miss being in bed with my mother and father, and I even miss what...

Ugh. I don't want to write about this.

Okay, bottom line here. There's nothing more comforting than being taken care of by your parents. At least for me, but I always kind of assumed that was true for everypony out there. These past two months of experiences have been really hard on... how I view myself, I think? Because I don't just feel "one way" about anything that's happened, not even being groped by my parents. I know it's really fucking wrong. I just can't get over the fact that part of Twilight Sparkle was being raped, but that part was a much smaller part than the part of Twilight Sparkle that was thrilled to be there, to no longer be fighting a war I didn't understand.

I don't mean vamponies, either. I mean, a war with my feelings. Lying there with both of them, I could feel how much they cared about me. They weren't using me for their pleasure or anything like rapists are supposed to do. They were trying to help me, to "fix" me or something (or "break" me as they would put it), just in the worst way imaginable.

When I feel tired and I ache for psychological comfort, I keep remembering being with my parents and the vast majority of my heart and mind wants to go back there and lie down with them and let them make everything better. It's like I can't differentiate between the kind of familial comfort they've always giving me as loving parents, and these new feelings I have to

Sorry. I'm going to start over now.

I was running through the woods and my brain was full of thoughts and feelings that I didn't understand. I still don't understand, obviously. And I wanted to stop running and surrender myself more than anything, but (here's the odd part) I couldn't do it. Like, literally, I could not bring myself to stop my legs from pumping and thrusting as fast as possible. It was like being in a runaway chariot, or falling out of the sky without wings, or anything where you're moving as fast as you can and you can't stop yourself. It was the polar opposite of those dreams everypony gets about not being able to run away from the bad thing, especially since I wanted the bad things to catch me (not that I can explain why).

So, I was galloping uncontrollably, and I kept my head looking over my shoulder because I knew I wouldn't hit a tree or anything and I kind of wanted to, to be honest. I just kept watching those eyes burning in the night, and that's how I remember the yellow-hazel so vividly. It was just a mass of eyes jockeying for position behind me as I ran on autopilot. And then I called out something really, really sad.

"I'm sorry!" I shouted. "I can't stop!"

I tried to listen for a response, watching behind me as I ran like a jackass headlong into territory I couldn't see because I didn't care where I was headed. At first all I could hear were the sounds of hooves or maybe claws scrabbling against earth and stone, but then I started to hear voices calling back, a chorus of them. They had a strange tonal quality to them, a little like Pinkie's darkhoof voice. They were begging me to stop running, to calm down, to hold on for just a moment so they could catch up. The voices weren't distinct, but they had a very familiar sound somewhere within that screeching cacophonous shell that held them together. It felt like it was all my friends and family coming for me. I think Cadance was in there somewhere, and so was Spike. I know Celestia wasn't.

It felt like this part of the dream went on forever, but it was at minimum ten minutes of me being terrified of not being caught by all the terrible nasty former friend things with sharp teeth, or whatever the buck this was in my psyche, and then it mercifully ended with a painful WHUMP to my chest.

The wind had been knocked out of me and I tumbled on the ground, which was black as everything else. Everything went black except for the stars I saw. And these weren't real stars, but the fake kind you see when you get smacked on the back of your head, due to how the occipital lobe of the brain processes imagery after being preprocessed by optical routing through the midbrain.

Note: apparently I already wrote a little about this before, when Mac stunned me? Great. I'm such a dork.

My vision started to clear as I heaved (unsuccessfully) for breath, and that's when I saw her, just as I'd predicted to myself prior to downing the vile green draught that had turned my brain into a perfectly-recalling-things-nightmare-machine.

Princess Luna. Naturally.

I actually felt rather smug, despite feeling like I was going to die from lack of breath at the same time and not being able to see, and then I remembered that I was remembering dreaming, so I couldn't tell her off unless I had told her off before. So there I was trapped in the past in my own mind, in pain, really really hoping that I would remember having told Luna off for being responsible (I presumed) for letting this darkness into her heart just like she did a thousand years ago (different darkness but still, I can totally guilt her about that if I have to, although I might feel guilty myself—whatever). Because somehow that would prove me right and I could kind of use the comfort of a little predictive ability about then/now/whatever.

She wasn't wearing an ounckse this time. She had her usual tiara and royal shoes on. Her face looked concerned, though saddened might be a more accurate description. It made me feel sad for her, too.

I struggled to breathe, and felt entirely helpless, which somehow also made me feel better. (Don't ask me.)

Then she waved her leg at me, and suddenly I could breathe. I gasped and panted for breath, and my body ached all over. She stood there, waiting for me to recover. After I was finally breathing semi-normally, she spoke.

"Twilight Sparkle. It is good to see you, though the circumstances are a bit horseshit," she said, popping off the nasty invective like it was as common a noun as 'water'. "It is my hope you will feel better in a minute or two."

I coughed and swallowed a few times, tried to stand, and fell back to the ground with shaky legs. I could feel the ground, but everything was pure black except for Luna and I. It's strange to see her seem so bright in contrast to the background. It almost looked like she glowed.

"Conserve your strength," she recommended.

"No ounckse, princess?" I commented, stupidly tipping my hoof at the first opportunity. I guess I was kind of pissed at her, even though I didn't really know what was going on or how much she was a part of it. I just needed somepony to blame for everything and Luna was the obvious target. The only target, anyway.

Luna sighed. "I was trying to put you at ease, Twilight Sparkle," she said. "Still, I am impressed you pronounced it properly. You are an easy pony to overestimate, and that is intended as a compliment."

"Thanks," I said, because I had no idea what else to say at the moment. This was a dream, and I knew it back when I was having it. I'm fairly certain that all dreams are Luna's demense: this is where her magic was strongest—and she didn't even need to be there in a physical sense for that to be true. I was pretty much screwed, and all I had left was righteous anger peppered with a lot of confusion.

Princess Luna's eyes glowed an eerie dark color (can black glow?), and I saw stars shimmering within them. A mist appeared everywhere, white but very dim in comparison to her and me. It felt soft and pillowy. It was very relaxing, which I didn't appreciate very much. She gave me a half-smile and sat down next to me on the fluffiness that was, apparently, a cloudscape floating in the empty darkness all around.

"I was hoping that we could... chat," she said, gently brushing my mane out of my eyes with a hoof. "Before you begin trying to run off another cliff, you stubborn little princess." She looked down at her hooves and removed her shoes, tossing them aside.

I realized right then that I've never seen Luna without her shoes on, not even at the moment she returned from being Nightmare Moon (long before she'd regained her starry mantle). I felt rather small, and looked up at her. I got a sense of her being like a mother figure—no, wait; that's not right. She feels more like a sister, in my mind. Luna is someone I've long suspected I had a lot in common with, but I've never had the chance to really get to know her. She feels a lot like Cadence to me, but... maybe even more so? It feels like she could be a twin sister, or a soulmate, or something. I see myself in her, in some odd sense...

Maybe she was planting all of this in my mind, but I don't think so. I'm starting to realize this is how I've always felt about Luna. I don't really know why.

I sat there, blushing, angry, and lost. I had to fight back tears, but I didn't understand why.

"What now?" I asked.

"We can talk, if you like," she said. "You may ask me questions. Some of them, I might be able to answer."

"You're serious?" I said. Did this mean Luna was actually on my side? Or was she just being arrogant, like the villains in Spike's comic books?

She nodded. "Unfortunately, I believe it unlikely you will recall our conversation."

Ah! There's the catch. I closed my eyes. I think I winced, actually, though the pain wasn't physical.

"Well then what's the point," I mumbled, and buried my muzzle between my hooves and some dreamcloudstuff.

"The point," said Luna, "is that there are reasons to do things, besides leaving a flimsy memory in wake."

"Like?" I asked, incredulous.

Luna smiled a warm and genuine-seeming smile. "Like grow. As a pony," she suggested. "The conversation may not leave a memory, but it will affect who you are underneath. This, in turn, may be able to help you along your difficult path."

"Will our conversation make me trust you, or distrust you?" I asked with a defiant tone. "Because that's pretty much all I need to know."

"Would that pony minds and hearts were so simple, Twilight Sparkle. Would that they were," she said cryptically, and then she shook her head with disdain.

"Luna, please," I begged softly. "Please say you will help me, help Celestia, help us stop my brother and your guards. It isn't too late to make the right choices. Not this time," I said, pushing the implication a bit too hard (I think, here in retrospect).

"Guilt will not affect me, Twilight. I am finally free of it for the first time in years."

I gulped, audibly. That didn't sound good.

"Sometimes guilt is there for a good reason," I responded.

Luna shook her head. "Not the guilt which I have endured. Ever since my return to full alicorn, I have tortured myself nightly with a being of my own creation."

"Okay, that's actually kind of crazy."

"Today, I agree with you. I have destroyed it, and I have moved on to greener pastures," she said.

"Wait, by 'full alicorn' do you mean the mantle?"

"My mantle is one sign that I am an alicorn, yes."

"Because only alicorns can have one."

"Because all alicorns have one," she corrected me.

"Luna, I don't have one. Neither does Cadence."

"I know. That is because you are not a true alicorn, Twilight," Luna explained.

"What? I've been coronated! Princess Celestia confirmed it," I said, rather taken aback. "Everypony knows it. Look: wings, horn. Duh."

"My sister sometimes leaves out the details," Luna said. "You are a pegacorn, like your sister-in-law. Becoming an alicorn requires... another step."

Now, this definitely backs up what Pinkie Pie said the other day, but I didn't know about that during this dream because it hadn't happened yet. Plus, I still think it's a total load of horse apples. I've read up on everything there is to know about alicorns (there actually isn't a lot out there on the topic, either).

"This doesn't have anything to do with Celestia! I've read everything there is..."

"I am afraid it has everything to do with my sister, Twilight."

"Great. And I'll bet you're going to tell me she's been censoring books, too?"

"She has, but for good reasons. Certain information is very dangerous in the wrong hooves," she said. "Twilight, do you not realize why the Star Swirl the Bearded Wing of the Royal Canterlot Library is guarded day and night?"

To be honest, I hadn't actually thought about that before this point. I felt pretty dumb. (I still feel a little dumb, but I'm less naive now, so I feel kind of embarrassed remembering how dumb I was when I didn't remembering being dumb before.)

"Luna, for Heavens' sake, just tell me whose side you're on and let's be done with this pointless conversation," I growled, irritated and angry.

"Your side is the side I am on. Twilight Sparkle, I am on your side," she said, repeating herself.

"Fine. Prove it."

"We are all on your side: Celestia, I, your brother, Rainbow Dash, your parents, you. That is because there is only one side."

"Bullshit, Luna. My parents just raped me. That is not fucking 'on my side'." (In the dream, I privately realized that they had me physically lying on my side as they raped me, so in a literal sense it was 'fucking on my side'; but I wasn't about to tell her that. I'm not losing the parent-raping argument to semantics, for crying out loud. That would just be silly.)

Okay, sometimes I think stupid things and now I'm writing them because I'm trying to record what I was thinking, faithfully, during a recovered memory of a dream. This lovely set of experiences from Tartarus keeps finding new ways to embarrass me in my invisible, private journal which one day will no doubt be read by millions of young ponies.

I feel a little better after writing that last sentence. Sarcastically. That was sarcasm. I don't think millions of young ponies will be reading this someday. For all that is good and holy, please, no. No, no, no.

Anyway.

"Did your parents intend to harm you?" Luna responded.

"No. But that's immaterial to whether or not they are 'on my side'."

"Is it?" she asked. "Are they not perhaps... confused? Do you think they are intentionally doing something which is 'not the best' for their daughter?"

"Of course they're confused! That makes it even worse," I said. "Look, I'm not saying they're to blame—this is some evil force like the Nightmare, obviously. Something bad is trying to harm me, and it is succeeding. I don't want to hurt my parents, I want to save them. I want to save everypony. You too, Luna."

Luna nodded. "Good. This is much clearer thinking. If only this 'force' you oppose were anything like Nightmare, your goal could be at hoof," she said. "Unfortunately for your current state of mind, the true 'goal' is not so simple. It may not even be well-defined at this stage, and you are in no condition at the moment to understand why."

"Luna, just tell me. Explain what is going on so I can understand," I asked. "Please. At least try."

"You would not believe me, Twilight. You understand nothing about what you perceive to be your enemy. You think we are on different sides of a conflict, and yet such a conflict does not exist in anything close to the form in which you imagine it," she said. "I am not trying to be cryptic. It is truly a difficult thing to explain, because you are not... properly receptive. Not yet, at least. It would be possible if we spent a long time together. I would gladly try right now, but the amount of time we have here is limited by my need to do something most unwelcome."

I didn't like the sound of the last two words.

I looked up at my horn, then felt with my hoof, to find it missing.

"Give me my horn," I said, as clearly and directly as I could.

"You do not realize this, but you would hurt yourself. Your powers of precognition are yet nascent, and you are not destined to become aware at this stage in your development."

"Wait. You're saying you can see the future?"

"Yes, in limited amounts. Star Swirl's capabilities far outstrip my own, but he is, how shall I put it? A dirty cheater."

"You're saying I'll be able to see the future at some point?"

"In many possible futures, you will develop those capabilities; and when you do, they are neigh-certain to surpass even mine. Are you truly surprised to learn that you shall be a powerful alicorn one day, Twilight? Have you not felt Celestia's hand guiding you toward this fate from a very young age? Surely, you cannot yet believe it is coincidence that you aided in my escape two years previous."

At the time, I didn't get it, but now I think she was saying 'the stars will aid in her escape' was a prediction involving me. While I'm loathe to think her ramblings are anything other than babble to confuse me, I have to admit the odds of me finding five friends, and then leading them to reclaim the Elements of Harmony... it doesn't make any sense, and I don't understand why I didn't see it before now.

I need to think about this. I'm taking a short break from writing to get something to drink.

Okay, I'm back. I'm beginning to change my tune on some of what I'm hearing from Luna and (third-hand) Rarity and my brother. It's very difficult to differentiate the truth from lies, but some of this makes too much sense to just ignore. There's a big gap of information in the libraries in Canterlot. I'm not certain I believe Celestia has anything to do with it, either. Is it possible even Princess Celestia is a pawn in this? Who is pulling the strings? Discord is gone, and he has never, ever acted like this. I think he knew it was coming, though. Maybe that's why he left us.

It doesn't matter, though. I'm going to continue to record what Luna said to me, and try to put the pieces together later. Maybe a clearer image will form once I've cross-referenced what all these unreliable sources are saying. At least then I can have two different stories to draw upon. Even if they're both incorrect, it will start to form 'sides', and then I can treat this like any other monster fight or friendship problem.

Even if Luna thinks doing that is hopeless, which she clearly does.

I lay there on the clouds for a moment before saying anything.

"There's a lot I don't understand, Luna. I admit it. I've always assumed if I needed to know something, Celestia would tell me, or I'd figure it out on my own," I said. "I trust Celestia more than anypony. More even than I trust myself and my friends."

"That is very foalish," said Luna, "but your trust is not misplaced in her, so your fortune is good."

"I really don't understand anything," I said, and I started to cry. "I'm afraid I'm going to let everypony down. I'm afraid my parents and my friends are gone forever, and it's my fault..."

Luna reached out and pulled me into a hug, which I reluctantly accepted.

"Twilight, it is going to be okay," she whispered. "I truly wish I had enough time to inform you and comfort you, because your journey is far from over, and you have not hit the worst of it, not by far. But you shall prevail, of this I have little doubt. Now, think carefully, little pony. Are there any direct questions you have for me that you think I could answer? I cannot keep you in this dream state for long. Soon I will need to hoof you to another power in order to keep you safely in slumber."

"Another power? You're trying to keep me asleep so they can find me, aren't you?" I asked, sniffling.

"That is too difficult to explain. Choose your questions wisely, and quickly."

"Are you in the Order of Spring?"

"I do support the Order. It is not a thing which one can be 'in'."

"What does the Order want?"

"Freedom," said Luna.

"Everything I've seen suggests the exact opposite."

"Sometimes, on the surface, one thing can appear to be its opposite. For the truth, you must endeavor to dig deeper."

"I don't understand. You have to give me more than that," I said.

"Then allow me to be direct," Luna offered. "We who support the Order are utilizing the best magic and technology available to achieve a form of peace and justice heretofore impossible for ponykind. The advancement of magic has opened a door to a new future for Equestria."

"You mean the fucking lobotomy box, don't you," I spat.

"That is old magic, but I suppose its recovery counts as an advancement. And 'lobotomy box' is entirely incorrect. You are being deceived by those you no longer trust, ironically," she replied.

"Are you trying to turn everypony into monsters? Are you trying to put mares in chains? What can I do to understand any of this?" I asked, my voice filled with frustration.

"Not everypony; no; and you must learn to understand and embrace your nature as a sexual being, Twilight. You are so poorly equipped for this conflict. You have yet to grow up and become a true mare, and unfortunately you have too little time in which to do so."

"Why does sex have anything to do with anything!?" I screamed, and Luna pulled me into a hug again. I wanted to fight her, but my body still felt weak, and it wasn't like it would have helped. So I slowly relaxed.

Princess Luna kissed me on the forehead where my horn used to be, and gently stroked my mane. "Our time is up, at least in one sense," she said. "The tra...n......s........."

Everything ground to a halt, like a movie pausing in the middle. Then the blur of sound and noise came. There were voices and feelings and flashes of light, all on fast-forward. It felt kind of like I was half-awake. I can't make heads or tails of any of it, though. After that confusing interruption, the dream resumed.