Memory isn't a solid record of events. Rather, it's a hodgepodge of interconnected detritus that you quite literally create inside your mind every time you "remember" something. One recollection of an event can be completely different from another recollection of the same event, even in the near term. Additionally, it's very rare for memory to be accurate (or even close to accurate) when an event is emotional. This is one of the reasons there are undoubtedly a large number of ponies in prison on mistaken eyewitness testimony for cases like mugging or rape: to pretty much anypony, the hoof of a victim seems like the most credible form of evidence there is. In reality, that impression could not trot any further from the truth.

I don't want that to happen to this journal. To that end, I've taken precautions (magical, that is) to ensure that the what is correct in my recent journal entries, and I will continue this habit. The how, of course, is still in my voice and as such is just as flawed as ever. I realize this, going back and reading some of my old entries, but that's okay because my voice at the instant the record was made is a big part of what I'm trying to record. However, due to my preparations, I can at least be certain that the words appearing within quotes are exactly what I heard; notwithstanding the small but unavoidable possibility of mistakes in my hearing or transcription. With that in mind... here goes.

As I'd predicted, Flash Sentry was, to my dismay, one of the two guards sent to escort us to the royal dining hall. The other guard was a crystal unicorn I don't remember having seen before. Their eyes lit up like Hearth's Warming Eve lights once they saw what all of us were wearing, and as ashamed as I was for looking like an expensive prostitute, I must admit that it briefly made me feel... special, somehow? The crystal stallion reacted in a very embarrassing fashion (or at least, one specific part of his body did). He had to turn around quickly and adjust himself. Flash was able to keep things under control, but he still blushed as he wore the widest smile I've ever seen on a pony who wasn't Pinkie Pie.

"You look amazing, Princess Twilight Sparkle, as do each of your companions," he said. It was rather gentlecoltly, though when he took my hoof in his to lead me out into the hallway, he did so surprisingly forcefully. It was kind of a cross between being guided and herded? I don't know why, but it made me feel helpless and warm inside all at the same time, and I couldn't help the silly smile that must have crossed my muzzle. I think I might be coming down with a cold or something. I could hear giggles from Rarity and Fluttershy behind me as Flash and I led the procession. The other guard took up the rear, which probably didn't help his problem any given the obscene view decorated beneath everypony's tails. That strange scent was in the air again as we walked. I'm starting to think it has something to do with embarrassment.

We finally arrived. The double-doors were opened for us by the guards, and Flash Sentry announced our arrival to a room devoid of any ponies aside from my brother and his wife. A large spread had already been served at the central table.

"Presenting Her Royal Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle; and Her esteemed companions," Flash announced, at full attention. I've noticed he has excellent posture. I walked into the room, blushing furiously. After we all entered, the doors shut behind us, but I could still just barely make out:

"Oh my Sun they are so HOT!!!"

"Shhh, be professional. But, yeah. Especially the Princess. I can't believe she's so humble, yet breathtaking all the same..."

Then the voices trailed off.

"Twilie!" called Shining Armor, from the head of the table where he sat. My brother and sister-in-law have never cared to stand on formality, fortunately for me. They were both well-dressed, however. The Prince looked very smart in a red and black tux affair similar to Spike's. Cadance's outfit was, well... very much like mine, to be honest: it was clearly designed by Rarity to match. Her hairstyle was highly elaborate, similar to the style Rarity did for her when the Kingdom bid for the Games, but without all the crystal elements. Maybe I should start thinking of her as my slutty cousin, I joked to myself. Internally, I was just trying to lighten my mood. (It didn't work.)

We sat together at a small table, quite intimate. Places were marked. From Shining Armor's point of view, Cadance sat on his right, then Fluttershy, then Rarity, then Spike. I sat to his left, followed by Pinkie Pie, then Applejack, then Rainbow Dash. I kept a close eye on Rarity and Spike for any potential shenanigans.

"Wow, you all look just incredible," he said softly, and I felt my brother's eyes wandering slowly over my dress. Had he been any other gentlecolt, I might have been less creeped out, maybe even a little flattered. It was weird, though. Maybe I was still a flattered anyway? Ugh. I don't want to think about it.

Rarity looked up to my brother and smiled, and Shining Armor nodded at her (not sure what that meant). "Why thank you: some of my best work, if I may be so bold," she said.

"Yeah, apparently it's from her new 'Royal Whorses' line. Too bad there hasn't been a red-light district in Manehattan in centuries," I said, under my breath. A little bit too loudly. (Intentionally.)

"Twilight! Be nice," said Spike, a pained expression on his face. Rarity didn't look my way, but kept her cool.

Cadance nodded at Shining, who nodded back. There was some kind of unspoken communication going on here, I could tell that much. She began loading her plate with salad from the serving dishes on the table, and spoke: "Why don't we start with some small talk before we leap into, well, where we all know this awkward conversation is probably headed?"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Great, even more waiting. At least there's food," she said.

"Mighty good food, too, by the looks of it," Applejack said politely. She heaped a pile of greens onto her plate, then sat, shifting nervously as she did. It was clear she was very uncomfortable, and I knew why. I need to figure out how to help her. If I can't cure the bite, maybe I can figure out a way to help her manage the symptoms at least.

"Well," Rarity began, after another glance was exchanged with the Prince, "we've had a simply wonderful time here so far. Your citizens are all very friendly, and even without my outfits on display we definitely received a compliment or two on the way to the castle."

And so it begins, I thought.

"It wasn't a compliment," I said. "It was a whistle, and it was rude. Illegal, if you want to get technical."

"Eh, sorry guys," Dash said to our hosts. "I agree it was pretty rude, but Twilight gets a little more annoyed by things than most of us. But, you're her brother and sister-in-law, so you probably already know that."

"A simple whistle isn't illegal in the Crystal Empire," Shining Armor informed the table. "Twilie, you've done research on the Crystal Kingdom before. You know these ponies have recently jumped forward about a millenium into the future. They don't have the same reservations here that we do back in Equestria."

"Well, maybe they need to move forward into the present. We have laws for a reason, Brother. Stallions have a hard time keeping it in their sheaths," I said. "That's a statistical fact. If we let something like this slide, soon they'll think they run the empire."

"Wow, sexist any?" said my sister-in-law under her breath.

"Shh, it's okay," Shining Armor said, calming Cadance with a gentle hoof on her shoulder. "If my sister wants to think I don't deserve to run an empire because I'm a stallion, then well, that's her problem."

I sighed. "I'm sorry, Shining. I didn't mean it that way," I said. "I just mean, a wolf-whistle is sexist, and it's behavior that should have consequences."

"Um," Fluttershy said very softly, looking up to our hosts. Shining Armor smiled, and Fluttershy continued, "Twilight, and I'm very sorry to mention this, but... if you weren't allowed to whistle back, then maybe that might be sexist. But nopony is stopping you, so I really don't think it has anything to do with being a stallion or a mare."

"Gee, this salad sure is delicious," Applejack interjected very nervously. "Is that fennel I taste? Princess Cadance?"

My sister-in-law closed her eyes for a moment, then looked directly at me. "Twilight, be honest. I'm not knocking your rote knowledge, but how much experience do you really have with sex?"

"Polite behavior in society has nothing to do with sex!" I said.

"Um, actually, Twilight, I think, well... maybe it does, just a little..." said Fluttershy.

"Be nice, girls. Our good friend Twilight doesn't know any better, and it's our job to help her," said Rarity, looking over to me with a smile. Wow. Rarity was really starting to get on my nerves.

Shining Armor cleared his throat after a large bite of food. "Twilie, stallions have needs. And despite the fact that there are three mares per stallion in cities with a large garrison, and a ratio of five-to-one in places like Ponyville, around one-third of them never get married. Why do you suppose that is?" he asked.

I paused for a moment. He was right: I knew the statistics, but I didn't know the reason.

"Okay, I guess you got me," I admitted. "I honestly don't know why. Are you suggesting it's because they can't harass mares and get away with it?"

Applejack coughed. "My, my, I think this here grub's on par with Granny Smith's cookin'!" she said, blotting the sweat from her brow with a napkin.

Cadance exchanged a glance with her husband, then spoke. "Stallions can't get away with anything in Canterlot, Twilight." she said. "Did you know that when your brother was wooing me, he was arrested for harassment?" she asked. "We're both damn lucky your family was rich and influential enough to get the charges dropped. If he'd been anypony else, we wouldn't be married right now."

"What? Why?" I asked. "So he gets a misdemeanor, big whoop."

Pinkie Pie looked toward us for a moment as though in thought, then shook her head. "No, Cadie's right," she said. "You can get, well, screwed for any crime in a sexual context, no matter how small. Pun not intended. No, wait! Pun intended, but also without the pun. I've been really lucky given how hard I party. Plus, I'm a mare, so it's a lot safer. Mares have less to worry about than stallions because we rarely get charged with anything, but if you get a misdemeanor and you can't afford a lawyer, then you're on the registry, and that's game over for your social life."

"Okay, okay. Maybe the laws are a bit far on the side of protecting mares..." I said.

"You think those laws are protecting mares?" Cadance asked. "Stallions aren't a separate species, Twilight. They're our fathers, our sons, and our husbands. Not to mention our brothers," she emphasized. "What harms stallions harms society."

"Okay already," I said. "I know the law, but I obviously haven't considered all of the consequences. If your point is that reform is needed, then that's worth considering. However, Equestrian society has been humming along perfectly for the past few centuries, so I doubt it's as big of an issue as you seem to suggest."

"Well," said Applejack, sounding sullen, "I have a brother I'm very close to, so I gotta agree the law's a bit too strict. As one of the most eligible bachelors in Ponyville, I've had to chase courtship-minded mares away with a stick." She then motioned with her hooves. "I mean an actual, physical stick, like, this big. Even before he reached the age of emancipation, back when he'd have been up a crick should any funny business happen. Tain't fair. It's good that Fluttershy and him get along so well, except for all the weirdness beggin' your pardon, but I'd rather not discuss Big Macintosh any more at the dinner table without him present."

"You can't blame mares for acting that way," said Shining Armor. "It's very hard for mares to find a stallion."

"I agree," I said, "but that's just an unfortunate statistical fact. There are too many mares, and there's no ethical solution to the gender disparity. Besides, it's not a huge issue. It just means the most committed mares will be the ones with husbands. I mean, Princess Cadance found you, right? Fluttershy found Big Mac..."

"I dunno Twilight," said Spike. "I'm not trying to join the pile here, but Cadance is a Princess. Fluttershy's helped save Equestria like, at least twice? It's pretty clear that Celestia's been using magic to keep the fame away from all of us, but we're still celebrities and it's starting to show. No amount of magic will hold it back forever. Heck, there's a giant statue of me right outside!" he bragged.

Et tu, Spike? Great.

"Exactly. The rules aren't the same for those of us sitting at this fancy table," said Shining Armor. "For the average mare, there's little chance of getting a mate, unless they like other mares. Surprisingly enough, it's almost as hard for stallions, not to mention much more dangerous."

Rarity paused, looked toward our hosts for a moment, and then spoke. "Most straight couples are expected by society to raise very large families in order to keep our population at a static level. A family of less than five children is frowned upon, unless they're ponitarians who spend a lot of money on endowments, such as your parents," she said, then took a deep breath. "My parents have been oft criticized for failing to produce more children. Mother is barren and can't have more foals, but they shy from social engagements with others. I can't invite them to a lot of the events I go to in larger cities."

"Well, I have total squat to bring to this conversation," said Rainbow Dash, who then switched culinary gears by grabbing a large slice of lava cake while everypony else was still on soup and salad. (Rainbow is the type to eat dessert first, I should mention. No impulse control. But she's our friend, and we all love her for exactly who she is.)

I sat there and pursed my lips, thinking. "I never really thought about it that way. I just don't see any alternative, though. Things are safer since the Equestrian Kingdom clamped down on... improper behavior. Do you really want to go back to a time when a stallion could just walk right up to you and slap you on the mark?"

"No offense to Shining Armor, but do we even need stallions?" said an exasperated Rainbow Dash. At least, I think that's what she said. It was hard to make out with her mouth stuffed with cake.

"Oh Dashie," said Pinkie, giggling. "But seriously Twilight, I've done matchmaking services and it's tough. Even when ponies find a good soulmate, that doesn't mean they want to do the "horizontal pony tango". The guys are horny but way too scared, and most gals aren't wise enough about sex to even know what they want, let alone how to grab for it. Kinda like you Twilie! No offense, though."

"So, then what's the solution here? Are you suggesting that stallions should have multiple wives, or harems or something else degrading to the mares involved?" I asked, confused.

"I don't know, Twilie," said Shining Armor (though the way he said it, it sounded like he did know). "We need to do something about it, because this problem isn't going away. Stallions have basic needs and they can't satisfy them. Mares do too."

"Ugh. Stallions can control their libido. It takes discipline, and my brother should know that. You were Captain of the Equestrian Royal Guard, for Celestia's sake!" I said.

My brother's face suddenly went very serious. "We lost fourteen guard stallions in the space of a year to unsubstantiated rape charges, Twilight. Fourteen! I tried my best, but I couldn't protect any of them," said Shining Armor. "One was a close personal friend of mine, and I know for certain he'd never lay a hoof on a mare. I'm not sure if he's still alive, but two of the others committed suicide shortly afterwards."

Ouch. I'm starting to realize how good I am at stepping right into emotional landmines.

"That's... okay, that's really, really awful, and change is needed. But mares don't cry rape. Most rape charges are legitimate," I defended.

"I'm sure many of them are," he said. "But these were all unsubstantiated, and most weren't reported by the mares themselves. It's usually another guardsman who reports it out of fear he'll get in trouble too. That's all it took to ruin the lives of my soldiers at an average rate of one per month. We actually have to include that figure in our fucking recruitment drive planning because we know we'll lose soldiers."

"Guys, can we maybe simmer down just a peck, hmm?" begged Applejack as she waited for some soup to cool. "We can get along just fine without all the cuss words flyin'. This is a nice spread of food here to miss out on by feudin'."

"Okay, wait a minute," said Dash, completely ignoring AJ as she wiped some cake off her mouth with a napkin. "You said most of the claims of rape are true, so that means it's not exactly the system's fault. If you knew who did it, then maybe you'd have eleven or twelve ponies in trouble instead of fourteen. Why don't they keep it sheathed?" said Dash.

Cadance rolled her eyes. "Rainbow Dash, 'rape' doesn't even mean rape anymore. It could have been a grope, or a bump, or cuddling up against a sleeping mare, or even just a lewd comment. It could have been completely harmless, or even consensual," she said. "Nopony publishes the statistics or even individual case details to inform the public what a particular "rape" meant. It very rarely means that actual sex happened. And in most cases, the mare didn't lodge a complaint, and is not permitted to speak in his defense."

I frowned. "These are some very serious problems, and I'm having a hard time believing any of it. I don't know details to refute it, but it seems so far-fetched that Princess Celestia would actually allow something like this to happen," I said.

"Well, I do know, and we're not exaggerating, Twilight. Not reporting potentially unwanted contact is as terminal of an offense as being involved," said Shining Armor. "With magic as prevalent as it is in major cities, nopony knows whether they're being monitored or not. So there's no safe way for a stallion to satisfy himself without getting married first, which is both unnecessary and frustrating for mares who stand even less of a chance at finding a stallion unless they find him early."

"Casual sex isn't illegal," I pointed out. "There's no reason ponies can't, well, do sex, if for some reason they have to, without getting hitched."

My brother shook his head. "Prostitution is illegal except in rural areas like Dodge Junction, where it's useful mainly because there are protections in place to keep everypony anonymous," he explained. "When it comes to casual sex, some mares will try to sabotage prophylactics so a stallion who needs release will inadvertently get them pregnant. That sounds horrible, but it's pretty much the only shot many mares have at getting a stallion to marry them. So wise stallions avoid sex for as long as we can."

"There's prostitution in Dodge Junction?!" I gasped. "That's not legal in rural areas! It's supposed to be illegal everywhere," I said.

Applejack coughed. "I should have mentioned that to you I guess," she said, "but at the time I didn't realize it wasn't obvious. Everypony else knew. I mean, the Cherry Hill Ranch don't sell just one kind of cherry, if you follow. Why else would a farmer dress like that?"

Pinkie Pie nodded. "Yeah! That's actually why a lot of ponies move out there, from what I hear. Where'd you think I picked up that dress I wore for my performance in Appleoosa?" she giggled. "A lot of stallions there have multiple wives, too..."

I was starting to feel pretty stupid, not to mention reeling from the culture shock.

"This is just... it's all so new, and it's too much for me to process right now," I said. "Let's just say I believe you. If the system is actually this screwed up, why hasn't anypony done anything about it?"

Rarity looked at the royals, then to me. "Princess Celestia," she stated in a plain monotone. "The good Princess means well, but she has gone to a lot of trouble to engineer Equestrian society to be... highly sanitized. There is no tolerance of dissent, either in political process, or even in social research."

I shook my head. "That's beyond impossible. Now I know you're making things up."

"I think we might be able to enlighten you on that," my brother began. "Twilie, you know the biology of sex at the very least, right?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes, but internally I cheered. Nopony was going to beat me when it came to pure scientific knowledge.

"Then you probably know that, qualitatively speaking," he said, "the difference between a stallion's sex drive and a mare's is pretty much like the difference between firing a ballista and spitting a spear out of your mouth."

"That's a ridiculous analogy, but I agree in part," I said. "Biologically speaking, when ponies and other euungulates evolved from beasts to people of language, testosterone became the primary hormone regulating the initiation of sexual behavior for both sexes," I said.

"Oh my holy horsefeathers, Twilight," Rainbow Dash moaned, planting both hooves over her face. "Why do you have to pick now to be such an egghead."

An evil grin crossed Cadance's face. "My, how fascinating. Oh, Twilight, did you know that estrogens still affect the sexual arousal of mares? They have a synergistic effect with testosterone, but they aren't produced by most of the same stimuli," she said. "Mares can get just as horny as stallions if you know how to tune us properly."

"What?! That's crazy! I've never read that anywhere," I said. "And I've read more books on biology than everypony else in this room put together!"

"You don't know how much I read, so don't flatter yourself," said Cadance, coldly. "You want to know why you haven't seen that particular factoid anywhere? It's because that knowledge is illegal in Equestria. Feel free to read up on it here in the Crystal Kingdom where Princess Celestia hasn't censored it," she said smugly. I think my jaw hit the table (not literally though).

"Princess Celestia would NEVER stand in the way of open scientific inquiry!" I responded, my hooves shaking the table (I guess I was pretty angry). "I can't believe it. I won't. There is no bucking way."

Fluttershy coughed to get everypony's attention. "I'm really sorry to tell you this, Twilight," she said, pouting a bit. "But Cadance is right. I know from my animal studies. Some of the older animal husbandry guides were overlooked, and so they haven't been, um... sanitized yet. It gets mentioned quite a bit because arousal doesn't work the same way in beasts as it does in ponies and other people, like sheep or buffalo."

"But, it doesn't make any sense! Why... why would she do this?" I said, dumbfounded. I guess I sounded pretty hurt, because the tone of the conversations softened a little.

"You already know the reason," said Shining Armor. "To keep stallions from being able to arouse mares, pure and simple. Another sacrifice for that "polite" society you're so quick to defend."

As much as I hated to admit it, I was starting to see their side of things. A lot of it made sense. Yet I still wasn't hearing any solutions to the problem.

Cadance nodded. "You know I had education training, yes?" she said, directly to me. "I never told you this, but I had a close friend stung by the law too. She had an affair with a fifteen year-old stallion and somepony found out. Now her life is ruined."

I bristled at that one. "That's not a stallion, it's a colt. It's abuse, and as an educator she has no business—" I said.

"Oh for the love of Luna, Twilight, it wasn't her student!" Cadance interrupted. "And she was only twenty-three! You can't honestly tell me there aren't ponies who look like they're our age who aren't well under eighteen years old. Even if he faked an ID that said he was eighteen, it would have been just as illegal because mistake isn't a defense when the crime does not require intent."

"Irrelevant. It's abuse by definition, so it's rape," I said.

Spike coughed nervously. "Twilight, I..."

"Spike, what? What is it?" I asked, exasperated.

"I'm not saying I agree with any of this, but that's the first time in my life I've ever heard you defend something just by using a definition. I mean, without using logic to back it up," he said.

I felt very small, but recovered after a moment of shock. "Okay, fine. Let's just jump to the chase on this topic, because we're still not on the subject we came here to discuss. Does anypony in here think sex can be bad? Rape? Sex with foals? Incest? Bestiality???" I asked.

Fluttershy whined softly and lowered her head until she could barely be seen.

"Oh, Fluttershy," said Rainbow Dash, grimacing. "No... I'm just going to choose to not believe that one."

"I'll give you rape, at least any sensible definition of it. To rape a mare then leave her to suffer the aftermath, that's about as evil as it gets," said my brother. "Ponies need to be responsible for what they do to other ponies, and do things in a responsible way."

He paused momentarily, as though deciding just how far to go in this direction, then continued in a calmer voice. "But, rape happens for two reasons: one pony persists, and the other resists or otherwise does not consent. There's more than one approach to help stop it."

I sat there, staring at the stallion I thought I grew up with. "I... I don't know who you are," I whispered.

"That's not what he means, Twilight," Cadance said. "We're not justifying rape! Rape is a terrible thing. But we have a way to virtually eliminate it, and make everypony very, very happy in the process. You and your friends will be happy beyond your wildest dreams," she promised in a very creepy tone.

"Do you want to see what mares really like, Twi? What they need?" Shining said, and reached up with a hoof, grabbing Cadance's mane and yanking it backwards and up. She... there's really no other way to say it. She blushed like a schoolfoal, and moaned like a whorse.

"Alright, THAT'S it," Rainbow Dash shouted, wings up as she kicked her chair backwards. "I've had about enough of this mare abuse crap, and I've had even more of this not knowing what the buck is going on crap. Twilight ask something relevant for buck's sake so we can leave the weirdos and get out of these nasty-looking outfits."

Rarity gasped. "How DARE you!" she yelled, standing up.

"Rare, shut your fucking mouth, right now," said my brother.

Bizarrely, Rarity politely sat, nodded her head, and smiled sweetly, her anger vanishing in an instant.

"You do not talk to my friends that way!" I screamed, even though my brother was a barely hoofstep away from me.

"She's my friend too, and she likes being talked to that way," he smiled. "I'm going to bet you've never bothered to ask her how she'd like to be treated, have you?" Shining Armor asked. "You just assume that everypony wants the exact same things that you want, and then you go right ahead and give it to them. Don't you, Twilie? Isn't that what you do? Isn't that what rape is? How is the way you treat ponies any different?" He released his grip on his wife's mane. Cadance sat back down, trying to smooth out the now-ruined manestyle. "I mean, Twilie, I know you. Next to my wife, I consider my little sister to be my best friend. But you don't even know how you want to be treated, and that's because nopony has helped you learn."

"I... I just want to be treated with respect!" I said.

"That's not going to get you off, dear sister. The way our parents raised you, you've probably never had an orgasm in your whole tree-bucking life," he accused.

"Whatever. Mares don't need orgasms to enjoy themselves," I mumbled. It was a dumb thing to say, but I didn't want to admit I knew pretty much nothing about the topic of orgasms. Beyond the hormonal factors which influence it, of course, such as oxytocin release into the bloodstream. Of course, oxytocin also doubles for milk letdown, and probably ten thousand other things. The pony endocrine system is unbelievably complex. (Er, sorry, got sidetracked. Back to the insanity.)

Shining Armor's face grew sympathetic. "I'm trying to help you, Little Sis. I can show you a world you've never been able to imagine," he said, taking my hoof in his, delicately.

"Please listen to him, Twilight. He'll be so gentle with you your first time," Fluttershy begged. "Everything will change, and we can all be happy again, the way it used to be... no, wait. It's more than that, much more. It'll be even better, Twilight. I promise! Please..."

It took a long moment for what was happening to register in my brain. I mean, it couldn't be, I thought. It just couldn't. But slowly, inexorably, I began to understand just exactly what my brother was offering me. My eyes widened in horror and I stepped back away from the table.

"There's nothing wrong with it," Cadance said. "Your brother loves you and he wants to help. I want to help. Everypony here wants to help. We're your friends, Twilight! Just give us one chance, and you will see things our way."

"Oh buck no Twilight," Applejack said. "Sorry foalks this just got way over the deep end, even the way I'm itchin' over here," she said. "Pinkie, grab Spike. Twi and Dash and I are headed out, right now."

"Aww! But it was just getting interesting," Pinkie whined. Just then I noticed she was eating from a bucket of popcorn. Where did she find a bucket of popcorn? I'm certain it wasn't on the spread.

"No," I said. "Answers. I at least get those. What's with the horns?"

"You're not ready to know, because you continue to refuse every attempt we make to reach out to you," my brother said.

"Fine. What is Applejack's bite?"

"One of your friends gave it to her. I don't know which one. Fluttershy isn't the only vampony sitting at this table, sister dear," Shining Armor said, cocking his head at me.

Always a showboat, Rarity smiled abjectly in my direction, light glinting off of her fangs for just a fraction of a second... but then said nothing. Spike started quite literally shaking in his little boots from fear, just before Pinkie grabbed him.

"Oh shit. Okay. Alright. So... is that it? Bite turns you guys all weird? You plan something with Luna's guard, then use Fluttershy to bite my friends and fuck them all up in the head, and then take over Equestria or something so mares can get raped? How close am I?" I said, gritting my teeth.

"Taking over Equestria is a bit of a stretch, and this has absolutely nothing to do with rape. The infection isn't essential, but it helps a lot. You'll find out with AJ, anyway. She'll probably stay on your side for quite a while. She's stubborn, and quite frankly, she needs a good stallion to correct her," he explained.

"Oh FUCK you," spat Applejack. "As if every mare needs some stallion to tell her what for!"

"No, not every mare," said Cadance. "But you do Applejack, and so does Twilight. We know you both well enough to know exactly what you need. For buck's sake, dear, we can smell what you need from across the dinner table." I looked over at Applejack as she blushed, and I honestly couldn't tell where anger ended and the embarrassment began.

"As for the planning," said Shining Armor, "you're pretty astute, Sis, just as I'd predicted. But you have things in the wrong order. We didn't do a damn thing to Fluttershy. She's the one who came to us, and we weren't hard to win over because she's absolutely right. We knew firsthoof about the issues with Princess Celestia's overly-polite society, and what she brought with her sealed the deal."

"How can you plan to do these things when ponies are going to be hurt by them?" I asked, the pleading clear in my voice.

My brother sighed and looked at Cadance. She took a breath and spoke: "Twilight, everything we're talking about... it only hurts at first, just like the first time you have sex. It doesn't matter if somepony doesn't want something if they'll thank you for it later. We know you'll be grateful..."

"That still ain't right," said Applejack. Pinkie had already grabbed Spike and pulled him to our side of the table. He still looked pretty freaked out.

"I just can't believe any of this, it's too much," I said, backing away slowly.

"We love you, Twilight," Fluttershy said. "We're your friends. Why can't you trust us, just this once? All you have to do..."

"No. Just, no, no, no no no no no! Last night I was starting to think that sex was some weird kind of friendship, but now I can see it just makes everypony crazy," I said.

"Not all sex is as crazy as your brother trying to bone you, Twi," said Pinkie Pie. "Honest!"

"Well, that would pretty much need to be the case," I said. "And brother, these "answers" are not exactly clear. Vamponies? Unspoken plans? The whole horn thing? I know that cap won't let it grow back, by the way," I revealed. Cadance just smiled sweetly.

"You're not ready for answers, because your mind isn't open to receive them. You're a virgin mare, Twilight. You can't think clearly because you've never been laid. You're a genius, but you've never been smart enough to let a stallion do the thinking for you," my brother stated in a condescending tone. The words burned my flesh like hot coals.

"FINE. Last question. Now what?" I said. My horn began to glow fiercely.

Shining Armor looked around himself and shrugged. "You're free to go, of course," he said. "We're not the ones who believe in inhibiting other ponies' freedom. That's your deal. You and Princess Celestia are the ones basing society on a thin set of lies that cripples everypony and keeps them from enjoying themselves, but clearly you don't believe it's our place to even speak our minds about it."

"What? You're going to give me all this shit and let us just... walk out?" I said, not intent on lowering my defenses.

"Yes. You can stay here tonight, and leave tomorrow or whenever the weather finally clears," he explained. "Or if you don't trust us, go hide in the alleyways outside and sleep there, if you're paranoid or something. I don't really care. I mean, I do actually care a lot, because you're my sister and I still love you. I just can't help you until you're willing to listen to reason, or at least try something new."

"Sorry, for me, sex with my brother is not something new," I said. I saw Cadance smirk and it took a moment to realize what I'd just said.

"Oh Twilight, eww..." Spike said, shrinking back. "Please tell me that didn't mean what it sounded like."

Pinkie Pie laughed, and even Applejack chuckled. I wasn't happy, but I can't really blame them.

"Not what I meant, guys," I said, my cheeks bright red no doubt. "I'm not the pervert here. I'm the normal one!"

"Matter of per-spec-tive," said Rarity. She gave me a very sad look from across the table. Not passive-aggressive, not contempt, just a look of... pity, I guess.

"Okay, fine. We'll sleep here, and leave in the morning," I said. "Rarishy... er, I mean, Rarity and Fluttershy, are welcome to come with us or stay here. I don't care what they do anymore because they've both lost their minds." I was trying very hard not to cry. "Oh, and you can shove that horn back up my sister's ass, too, just like you did last night!" I shouted.

Dammit. That was a critical mistake. I knew it right after the awful words flew out of my dumb mouth.

"Who said it isn't already there, sweetie?" said Cadance, smiling serenely. Rarity flashed Cadance an approving, "Oh, really?" look. Cadance raised her brow once, maintaining her smile.

"WHAT?!" Spike shouted, only to have his ear canals blocked firmly by Applejack's hooves.

"Heh, that kind of nonsense ain't appropriate for the young'un over here, at least not so long as he's on Team Sanity," she said.

But Shining Armor looked absolutely stunned.

"Twilight Sparkle," said my brother. "Were you... spying on us? In our royal bedchamber, the most sacred place in the entire castle? The only privacy that regents can be afforded?!"

I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. "I, I, it's not like that, it was an accident... I heard my name, and there was a secret door, I swear I'm not the pervert, it's y-you," I said, ducking my head in shame. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

"Shh, shhhh," Shining Armor said, and picked me up and hugged me gently. For the briefest moment, I felt at home in his arms. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend this was all a bad dream, and that he was my brother again, and everything would be alright. So I let him hug me, and I started to feel better. But after a brief moment, he whispered something in my ear...

"Twilie, I am so proud of you." There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in his voice, and I think I know how to read my brother even better than his wife. Needless to say, I broke the hug in terror and galloped straight for the door.

"Someday you'll listen to reason, Twilie. We'll be friends again. Good friends. Friends like you can't even imagine," he called after us. It sounded more like a threat than an attempt at reconciliation. "Come see us before you leave, if you still don't hate your brother too much to say goodbye forever," he shouted as we passed through the door.

He sounded terribly hurt, but then I guess we're even.

Applejack carried Spike, and we ran nonstop back to the two non-Rarishy rooms. I'm sure we passed the guards but I wasn't looking. Fortunately Pinkie's sense of balance had mostly returned by now, so she was able to pronk at full tilt without danger. I almost kept up with everypony else. They were waiting for me outside the rooms when I got there.

"Shit, Twilight. Shit. Shit. Shit! Shit!! Shit!!! Horseshit!!! What do we do?" Dash asked, panicking. "Use that massive egghead brain of yours and get us out of this mess and fix it fix it fix it!" she ordered, bonking me painfully on the noggin as though my head were some kind of a coconut with a golden treasure hidden inside.

"Stop that! Okay, okay, let me think. Look, we have to get to Princess Celestia. She's the most powerful mage in Equestria, and she'll have a solution to fix our crazy friends, she'll just have to," I said, my nerves completely shot.

"Why... why was her horn in her butt, Applejack? Why was it there?" asked a distraught Spike. AJ promptly shushed him.

"So, that's it? We just run away to Canterlot?" said Pinkie Pie, then paused. "Hmm. Way too simple for a typical Twilight Sparkle strategy... but I like it!" Everypony else nodded in agreement.

"Okay, fine. But I don't want to stay here tonight, Twi," said Rainbow Dash.

"Look, the doors and in both rooms deadbolt and the windows lock," I said. "I know he's not the same stallion, but my brother has never lied to me. If he says we'll be left alone this evening, I think we actually will."

"We cannot take that chance, Twilight," said Applejack, shaking me by the shoulders. "Trusting your brother, or whoever the buck that stallion in there was, is no longer an option."

"Well we can't hide anywhere in the Kingdom either," said Spike. "Everypony knows us. And flying out could get us all killed."

"Killed sounds good," said Dash. "Let's do that. I like that idea a lot more than being bitten and raped. Er, no offense AJ."

"None taken," she said flatly. "And I need to talk to you privately Twi, once we're in a safe place."

"Okay. I have an idea," I said. "I can cast an alarm enchantment on both rooms. If anyone so much as looks at the doors or windows funny, everypony will be awake. Then I can blast a hole or two in the walls and teleport ponies down and back in a matter of seconds. It won't be pretty but it will work."

I noticed everypony was looking at me and frowning. "What, is that not good enough? Well..." I asked, my voice cracking with sincerity.

"That's not it," said Pinkie Pie. "You're just crying really hard and it's making us all feel super bad for you."

"Oh," I said, not really realizing. "Well, that's part of why we have to do it this way too. If I don't recover emotionally from this soon, then we're all doomed."

"The plan sounds fine, sugarcube," said Applejack. She glared at the others, who then promptly agreed.

"Can we PLEASE take off these horrific clothes?" said Dash, tugging at her costume.

"Yeah," said Pinkie. "But let's drop them in front of Rarishy-room. I don't think it'd be fair to be nasty to the clothing, it didn't really do anything to us. At least, not intentionally."

Each of us carefully disrobed and tossed our dresses on the pile. I'm not willing to enter their room again, so I'll have to wait until Canterlot to get these stupid earrings off of me. I've set up the alarm enchantments, which should keep us pretty safe. Our room is now strictly the AppleTwi (TwiJack? dammit Pinkie now I'm doing it) room, so I can talk to AJ about her issue in private. Pinkie Pie wanted to call Rainbow Dash and herself "CottonCandy" because of the respective colors of her and Rainbow's coat, but this confused Dash a lot so the other room is now RainbowSpiPie. I know all this naming is stupid, but it's a welcome distraction. Pinkie Pie is crazy like a fox. She's been the glue holding us tethered to reality through all this awfulness. It's amazing to me how being insanely silly can actually do that.

Applejack has very patiently waited for me to finish writing this, but I'm not crying anymore. Just kind of numb and feeling helpless and hopeless, but tomorrow we'll be on the train and headed to Canterlot. It's not possible for Princess Celestia to have been compromised, given everything I know about her (and I still have an ace or two up my sleeve). This is the low point of my story, and it's time for the comeback. We'll fix our friends and come out better and stronger for it, or I'll stuff my own horn up my ass.

Er, no. Forget that, scratch it out, I still won't do that no matter what happens. But friendship will prevail, and not even Celestia herself will be able to save the stallion or mare who tries to block me from my mission. Playtime is over, fillies and colts.

Crap. I just realized: I didn't eat a single bite of food. I don't want to leave our enchanted rooms, though. I'll just have to pick up a bite later on.