It was still the middle of the night when I woke Pinkie Pie. She went to the AppleDash room to wake the others. Spike woke up shortly after everypony else arrived.

"What's going on, Twilight?" Spike asked.

"Spike, this discussion is not going to be appropriate for baby dragons. I need you to go to the AppleDash room and go back to sleep. I may need to wake you later to send a note to Princess Celestia, so you might as well get some shut-eye now," I said.

"Aww!" Spike whined.

Pinkie Pie raised a hoof and said, "Well, it might be okay, I mean, Spike probably knows more about sex than you do Twilight!"

I have no doubt my face revealed my exact level of displeasure.

Spike frowned. "Fine, fine. But it's not about Rarity, though, is it? Because I'd kind of like to know how disappointed to feel."

"Go, Spike," I ordered.

"Okay! Okay! Now, um, the AppleDash room, that's the second one down, right?" he joked. (Yeah, right. I'd let him sleep with the recently-perverted unicorn he has a crush on? I have no interest in a meeting with Foal Protection Services, thank you very much.)

"SPIKE!"

"Fine, your grouchiness," he relented, and exited the room.

Rainbow Dash sighed. "This is going to be really gross, isn't it," she said.

Slowly, cautiously, I described the events of the evening. Pinkie Pie's face was filled with happiness and wonder. (If she were any pony other than Pinkie Pie, I would have placed her in a straitjacket right then and there.) Rainbow Dash made nasty faces, and several times her wings rapid-fire extended (almost hitting me in the face) and she blushed. I need to ask her about that later. Applejack sat stone-faced, seemingly unfazed (this concerned me more than Pinkie, actually).

Once I finished, I shrugged. "My theory is King Sombra's castle or some artifact within it has corrupted my brother," I said. "But somehow, Rarity and Fluttershy are mixed up in this too. It would make sense if Fluttershy hadn't done anything suspicious on her initial trip up here, but maybe the stopover in Canterlot was an unexpected fluke of some sort."

"Clearly some ancient evil artifact has corrupted everypony. We need to find it and smash it," said Rainbow Dash. "I recommend a plan of extreme violence, as soon as ponily possible."

Applejack shook her head. "Um, Twilight, I hate to inform you and maybe Dash of this, but, nothin' you saw happen in that room was necessarily the work of some evil force, or what have you," she said. "Except maybe the act of you goin' an pokin' your eye in that hole in the first place."

"WHAT???" (I'm pretty sure that was my exact response.)

"Yeah Twilight, that's not evil, it's just kinky!" said Pinkie Pie, with a giggle.

"Her horn, Pinkie Pie," I said.

"Well," said Applejack, "if they went and cut off the horn for the sole purpose of stickin' it where the sun don't shine, then, yeah, that might be one step beyond kinky and tell us they're both a few apples shy of a barrel. But if the thing came off by some accident, then well, I'm actually not surprised by the behavior you described."

"Eww!" said Rainbow Dash. "Well, if that's true, then unicorns are seriously disgusting. Alicorns, too. Present company excluded, Twilight."

"No self-respecting unicorn or alicorn would put a horn there!" I protested. "You don't know unicorns, Applejack!"

Applejack narrowed her eyes. "I know plenty, hon, and I hate t'say it, but you are most definitely the exception here."

"Oh! Oh! I know unicorns," said Pinkie Pie. "I've had their horns in my cooter, my pie-hole, even my tubbily-bubbily butt!" she said proudly. Applejack chuckled to herself, while Rainbow and I felt our jaws hit the floor. (Not actually, though; that's another figure of speech.) Then Dash's wings exploded open again.

"She's right Twi," said Applejack. "It's kinda one of the things horns are for, to be completely honest. Well, preferably while still attached to the mare or stallion, of course."

"Mare? Where would a mare's horn possibly... Oh, no, just ew," I said.

"Or in another mare!" offered Pinkie Pie.

"WHY???" I shouted. Applejack gently calmed me down. Rainbow Dash simply stood there stunned with her wings spread wide, contributing nothing more to the conversation.

"Twilight," said Pinkie Pie, taking me by the shoulder and looking into my eyes. "Do you... um... do you not actually know what sex is?" she asked, her voice completely sincere.

I quivered in place, blushing and angry at the same time. "I'm a bucking princess, of course I know what sex is. I've studied it in great detail. I can tell you all of the hormones involved and all the stages of intercourse. Granted, I never really studied the details of the hormonal pathways past the intersection between the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis—"

"Oh for buck's sake Twilight! That ain't sex, that's biology," said Applejack. "And sex ain't just intercourse neither, intercourse is like, a tiny seed compared up to a mighty apple tree. Look, darlin', this ain't somethin' you know squat about yet. You're just gonna have to take our word on it about what's normal and what ain't."

I sat on the floor, dejected. "But, I... why don't I know any of this?" I asked, my voice cracking. Applejack sat with me, leaned forward, and took me gently by my shoulders.

"Look... We been meanin' to tell you, hon, for quite some time now," said AJ, her voice suddenly very soft. "We were kinda thinkin' that Flash feller might end up learnin' you a thing or two, but Rarity and Pinkie and I, well, we've talked about an intervention on more than one occasion. Just to make sure you're like, not hurt later on," she explained.

I gulped. "Well, okay. I want to learn more, but obviously now is not the time. I promise to trust you two, even though what you're saying makes no sense to me at all."

"Well, I'm glad we have two "sex-experts" in the Herd of Five," said Rainbow Dash, sarcastically. "Who could have expected that would come in handy."

"Sexperts!" corrected Pinkie.

"Well, I certainly ain't no "sexpert", but it ain't my first rodeo neither, so here's what I can tell you for sure," AJ continued. "Hog-tyin' a filly like that might be a little odd, but it ain't unheard of, and neither is the silly grin on her face when it happens. It's just somethin' your brother and sister-in-law like, and that's probably all it is. Now, if your brother were hurtin' her real bad against her wishes or somethin', and she was too afraid to stop him or tell somepony, well, that'd be another story entirely. But the horn thing ain't too weird unless they cut it off on purpose, in which case we probably have every right to be concerned."

"So that's it?" said Dash. "This, this is all just, I don't know, normal weirdo behavior?"

"Well, hold on now. Shining Armor talkin' about his sister bein' a fine piece of, well, we all heard it: that ain't entirely natural. It's still possible that it means nothin', though," she explained.

"But how could Cadance even listen to that without being out of her mind? Shining Armor is her husband! He's supposed to love her!" I said.

Pinkie Pie shook her head. "Loving one pony doesn't stop a pony from loving another pony," she said. "It just means she's not jealous, because she trusts him."

"I just can't believe this," I said.

"Hold up now, I ain't finished. None of the talk about 'breaking' Twi and Spike and Dash—"

"Wait, when did he say my name?" interrupted Rainbow Dash.

"Not now, Dashie," said Pinkie Pie. "Your bestest friend Pinkie Pie will explain all that later. Oh! Twilight, that reminds me. Can I borrow your book and pen and get you to shine the magic light thingie for me? I think I might need to fix a word in your last entry."

I idly turned on the magic light while listening to Applejack. At least screwing with my journal kept Pinkie Pie distracted for a while. I did hope she wasn't just reading through it, though.

"A-hem," said Applejack, picking back up where she left off. "As I was sayin', none of that other talk was normal conversational material. Your brother don't have any right to any of us, not you, and 'specially not the little 'un, and for him to talk like he does is a real big problem."

Rainbow Dash looked right at me. "Well, he's trying to do something and I guess he thinks any one of us could stop him, but you're the only one with any real chance," she said.

"Because Rarity and Fluttershy are already on his side," I added, glumly.

"Mm dnn!" mumbled Pinkie Pie with the pen in her mouth. I took the bottle and pen from her before she could make a mess, and quickly scanned the last few entries to make sure nothing untoward had occurred.

"Thanks Twilie," Pinkie added. "Oh, and I'm always on your side! I don't know how that could ever change," she said.

"Me too, sugarcube. No matter what, and that's the truth."

"Dude, I'm like, the Bearer of Loyalty. There's not a chance in Tartarus I'll take off."

"I know, girls, and I thank you all for standing by me. I trust each of you implicitly, but... I would have said that for Fluttershy and Rarity before any of this started, and they changed so quickly. I'm still really scared," I said.

"Well," Applejack said, "we'll just have to be up front with you if we start to feel like betrayin' you or cuttin' off body parts, cause then at least you might see it comin'."

"I realize you're probably joking, but that's a good idea Applejack," I said. "Each one of us has to be vigilant about how we feel. Any changes at all, any odd feelings, anything weird, and we tell the whole herd, just like that. No matter how small." Everypony else nodded. Applejack looked extremely tired, however. "AJ, why don't you get some sleep?"

The farmpony yawned and nodded her hat to us. "I'm goin', thanks. We'll pick this up at sunup."

"Oh, AJ! I'll join you later. We can make the AppleDash room the ApplePieSpi room!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Yeah, whatever," said Applejack as she exited the room.

Dash furrowed her brow. "Well, I'm fine sleeping here with Twilight, but why aren't you joining AJ now, Pinkie?"

Pinkie Pie grabbed us both and hugged us close to her chest. "Because! I'm going to give you the full rundown! Well, the full verbal one, anyway."

My eyes widened. "You're going to tell us all about sex. Right now," I asked.

Rainbow Dash winced. "Oh, I don't know if this is a good idea."

"It's a great idea! Don't worry, it'll only take a few minutes. I'll just give you the very basic details so Twilight won't be completely lost the next time the subject comes up."

It took another ninety minutes. But it was important, because I learned so many new things! I still have questions galore, of course, but those can wait. Checklist of all sex things I just learned, for future reference (although I knew a couple of them already):

* Sex is almost always for fun.

* Sex is not always intended to make babies.

* If you have sex in a way that makes babies, there are ways to prevent it.

* Sex is for friends! Like, your husband should be your friend first.

* Sex is an advanced kind of friendship, maybe...?

* "Horny" is how you feel when you want to have sex (not just unicorns).

* Sex is anything that makes somepony feel horny, or enjoy feeling horny.

* Sometimes it can be hard to tell when sex starts happening.

* Pinkie Pie recommends cuddling your friends just to be sure.

* Sex can occur by yourself (I really need to ask more about this one).

* ...or with two or more ponies of any genders/sexes. (What's the difference?)

* ...or with things that are not ponies. (I did not inquire further.)

* Some ponies strongly prefer sex with particular kinds or genders of ponies.

* A lesbian is a mare who prefers other mares. Right Dashie?

* Rainbow Dash is not a lesbian.

* Some ponies think they can keep what they like a secret, but they can't.

* For the last time, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash is not into girls.

* Some ponies can't even admit to themselves what they like. They are silly!

* A lot of ponies do some really weird things when they have sex.

* Weird sex things are called "kinky".

* I don't want to list the kinky things. Rainbow Dash and I are now scared.

Pinkie left to join AJ, and Rainbow crashed here and snored (I guess this is now the TwiDash room). I spent too long writing this, so I may need to sleep in. Either way, tomorrow morning I'm sending a note to Princess Celestia (and to Luna, by proxy). She needs to know there's big trouble brewing, and that her adopted niece is involved in it.