Celestia looked ready to skin me alive when I popped up in the throne room.

I knew what she was going to say before she even opened her mouth and I was right—an endless tirade about how I had promised not to use magic, how I had promised Fluttershy not to use magic and here I was teleporting right into Celestia's main headquarters and betraying  my best friend by breaking my word and...goodness! Was that a cuss word?

“Look, hear me out.,” I interjected as Celestia was in mid babble. “You can scream at me all you like about my using magic to get here afterwards, but at least listen to my proposal before you call on your guard dogs, and besides, I hate long train journeys.”

There was a pause, but the hardness in her stare remained.

“I'm listening...”

I took a deep breath.

“Well,” I said simply, “I've been thinking, and it's rather obvious to me that this whole reformation thing isn't quite working. I mean, I'm certainly willing to try not to use my magic, but that kind of puts a damper on your whole “Discord is now a free citizen of Equestria” thing doesn't it? Not to mention even if I was free to use my magic it would create problems--Because in case you haven't noticed, Celestia, everyone outside of the Elements hates my guts. This is an infuriatingly cruel game of limbo you're making me play. You know as well as I do the way chaos works— imposing strict rules on it are about as pointless as telling someone to stop breathing.” I practically snarled the last part of my rant.

“That's a little over-dramatic, Discord.”

“Is it? Because it seems everyone in Happy Harmony Land is allowed to be themselves, but being myself is somehow evil and wrong. Even when I use my magic for something harmless and fun it scares ponies.”

I didn't feel I was being over-dramatic at all. It actually felt physically painful to try and contain all this magic. Lately I kept feeling twitches of pain. When Tirek stole my magic I felt horribly weak. Now that I had it back and couldn't use it I felt like a pressure cooker about to blow its lid. Of course I didn't tell Miss Preening Prissypants that.

“I can't tell people how to feel. It's up to you to work on regaining their trust. They're scared precisely because you appear to be so unpredictable.”

“Chaos.” I said, holding up my pinky claw.

She nodded. “I understand. But this really is all up to you. I'm not sure what you expect me to do.”

“TELL them I'm not a threat.”

“I can't exactly write a law telling ponies how they're supposed to feel towards you. Regaining their trust is going to take some time.”

“What about a law telling ponies how they should feel towards Fluttershy,” I muttered.

“What?”

“Her kindness towards me isn't exactly endearing her to some of the townsfolk.”

Celestia looked pained. Typical. When it's one of her precious Elements who is being hated she's all morally conflicted, but not when it's dirty old Discord. I felt like a doormat someone had just wiped their feet on. Not that I didn't want her to be concerned about Fluttershy. It just reminded me that unlike everyone else, I'm not allowed to exist. Normally I pride myself on being different, on having a different rule set, but not when that difference is used to constrain me. I could feel a twitch building and I winced.

“I...I have another proposal.”

Celestia said nothing and waited for me to continue.

“I go away for a long time.”

“How long? You're usually gone for weeks at a time. Can't you just use your magic elsewhere then return?”

“I thought I could, but it's been bad lately. I think I need an extended sabbatical.”

Before I could even think of what to say next, my leg twitched and kicked out a blast of energy, which shot upwards and exploded into thousands of skittering green mice that plummeted quickly towards earth until they simultaneously all opened umbrellas and floated downward like tiny rodent versions of Marey Poppins.

I felt perhaps from the startled look on Celestia's face that maybe no explanation was needed. I was sighing a bit with relief at the temporary release the kick had granted me, but before I could hide it, she had seen the look of suppressed agony on my face. Dammit.

“Basically, I don't know when I'm coming back. Until everything...calms down.” I winced a little at the irony of those words.

“Have you told her how long you will be gone for?”

This gave me pause. I was usually gone for weeks at a time, and Fluttershy knew this. But I actually did not have a time frame in mind. It could be months, it could be years. It was pointless trying to believe everything would be hunky dory in such a sort period of time. I watched the mice run around the polished marble floor. Next time it might not be something as innocuous as mice. How long would it be before giant octopi started rampaging through Ponyville, or it started raining diamonds, which I'm sure Rarity and Spike would love, but believe me they would hurt.

“Discord, she's going to miss you terribly.”

Yes, Princess of Astuteness. Thank you for making this far easier than it already is.

“I will tell her. Of course I'm going to tell her. You've given me no choice. Until ponies start accepting that chaos isn't inherently awful then there's only one option open to me. Or at least the only option that isn't going to leave me encased in stone.”

“That was never my intention.  I don't want you back in stone, and I'm sure Fluttershy doesn't either. Your chaos magic was integral to helping us track down Tirek.”

“It was also integral to throwing you all under the bus,” I muttered. “Is the only time chaos is of any worth to you is when it's directly useful to your little schemes? Remember when chaos used to be about fun times?”

“I think you must have a selective memory, because a lot of the trouble you caused was only fun for you.”

“Like that time I rearranged the Duke of Eqqworth's bedroom antics until they were very much Feng Shuain't?”

For a fraction of a second I thought I saw a small smirk play across Celestia's lips, but I quickly rejected the idea. Borelestia wouldn't know a funny word if it kicked her on the badonkadonk.

“In any case, you don't need to encase me in stone when you have a living, breathing bargaining chip.” I was of course, speaking of Fluttershy.

“No one is a bargaining chip in all this.”

“Yes, I'm sure you're right,” I spat sarcastically, a fresh wave of agony welling up inside me. “Well, this has been fun but I really need to start packing.” I teleported before she could reply.

“Wait, Discord...the mice. Argh!”

--

The fireflies were already starting their nightly dance in Fluttershy's garden when I got back. She was standing in the doorway, the cottage light illuminating her frame. I could hear the kettle whistling.

“I don't want you to go,” she said simply.

It kind of chilled me that somehow she already knew this wasn't going to be one of my usual jaunts.

So come with me.

NO. Don’t even go there. You can’t even entertain the thought.

“Let's go inside and talk about this,” I said.

As Fluttershy took the kettle off the boil and made us tea I sat down in the comfy armchair I'd adopted as my usual perch. I twiddled my thumbs a bit, trying to hold off the chaos magic that was building very much like the steam kettle, but with no where to vent.

We sat there for a while in silence while I awkwardly sipped my tea.

Fluttershy spoke first.

“I mean, I know it's selfish of me...wanting you to stay.”

I chuckled internally at that.

“Fluttershy, heaven forfend that you of all ponies be selfish once in a while.”

It's true, that mare is probably one of the most selfless beings I've ever met. She really needs to pamper herself once in a while, and I don't mean by slapping a few cucumber slices on her eyes and going to the sauna to sit in mud with Rarity. She needs to love herself more. Get down with the boogie, stop being apologetic about everything, go out on the town and find a stallion and have some fun. She would have no trouble. Even now I don't think she realizes how gorgeous she is.  

I chided myself for thinking that last part. Not because it isn't true, but because I allowed myself to think it.

This has unfortunately been brewing for a while.

Now you definitely have to leave.

The trouble is whenever I start to like anything I can become obsessed with it, and I mean REALLY obsessed. To the point where whatever the thing I like is driven into the ground and then I never want to see it again because I have exhausted all the possibilities.

I once encountered a travelling comet while circumventing the asteroid belt of a nameless galaxy. Most comets are made of ice, but this one was almost pure static electricity. It crackled as  it glided through the blackness of space, giving off bluish sparks that left a trail behind it and after images on my retinas. It was something I had never seen before, and that, my dears is always a novelty for Discord.

I stayed with it for years, rubbing my back against it and purring like a kitten so I could feel the static electricity run through my fur. Each pop felt positively divine against my body as I curled around it. I still have no idea where the comet came from or what force had caused it to come into being, I only knew that it had become the centre of my universe. I didn't eat or sleep (I don't need to eat or sleep, but I do enjoy doing those things) I just stayed with the celestial body because it entranced me.

Eventually however, like all things I tired of the comet and left it to continue on its elliptic orbit around the sun. This particular comet had an orbit of 20,000 years. It would swing around the fiery centre of this solar system then head back out into deep space, where for huge swathes of its life it would pass nothing but black, empty void while I ran off to obsess over something else.

So you see...

I could not do that to Fluttershy.

“Listen,” I said, “You can be selfish, but right now you've got to be selfish another way that has nothing to do with me.  You've got to think about numero uno, which in case you didn't know” –I booped her nose with my paw-- “is you.”

Her green eyes were full of tears.

And you really need to stop thinking you aren't amazing because you are.

SHUT UP, BRAIN.

But of course, my brain never does anything of the sort.

“Promise me you'll do all the stuff you enjoy and do it with gusto. Go on your little animal expeditions, have lots of “you” time and for goodness sakes, tell Rainbow Dash to stop talking you into representing Equestria in high energy sports competitions. I know how much you hate them. You get that worried look in your eye whenever the topic comes up.”

“But how will I know you're okay?”

“I can still write to you,” I said.

She brightened a little at this.

“I promise I'll write. Like I always do. I'll tell you about the places I'm going and people I meet. Okay? I know what I'm doing, Fluttershy. I just have to do this.”

“Can you stay tonight?”

Twitch.

“If I'm allowed to be selfish and look out for numero uno then I at least want to spend one more evening with my friend before he disappears for who knows how long.” she said.

If I didn't know better I could have sworn the last part of that sentence sounded kind of angry.

“I...yes. Yes I can, Fluttershy.”

I felt her relax a little, then she curled up against the crook of my arm and my neck and a billion sparks of static electricity felt like they were popping down my spine.  

I'm not sure how long I sat up listening to her breathing as the fire died down, but I could see light starting to come over the hills and Celestia's sun would be making an appearance soon. Gently, I laid Fluttershy down into a more comfortable position and covered her with a soft throw. She looked peaceful, safe. She was even snoring a little. I absent-mindedly pushed a strand of her mane out of her face.

What the heck am I doing?

You know very well what you're doing. You're going away so that your best and possibly only friend doesn't have to put up with the backlash when you inevitably unleash hell. This is the best possible thing you can do. It is the only option. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can be happy here with someone who cares about you.

I was broken out of my reverie by the feeling that I was being watched. Sure enough, Angel bunny was looking across the living room at me from his basket. He pointed two tiny bunny digits towards his eyes then pointed them towards me.

“I won't miss YOU, Rabbit of Marebannog,” I muttered, as I tip toed towards the kitchen. In the pink morning light the ornaments in Fluttershy's living room looked oddly dream like. "Home is where the Heart is" said a little wooden plaque hanging above the entrance to the kitchen.

I walked out the front door before I could change my mind.

Then I got down on four legs and sprinted. Before I teleported my eyes began to stream. I think it was the cold night air as I ran. That must have been it.

----

All the pent up chaos I had been repressing, was unleashed over the Coltlantic Ocean.  The shock wave displaced several tons of water, along with hundreds of jumbo squid, fish and one very startled Great White shark who had simply been looking forward to a quiet afternoon hunting down some crunchy sea turtles. If you think sharks cannot look startled then you've never looked properly at them. They always look startled. I made sure of that when discussing the blueprints with mother nature.

I fell towards the ocean, cannonballing as I hit the brilliant aqua green surface and dove down about 30 feet, enjoying the sensation of the water engulfing me, surrounding my body and soaking into my fur and pores. I share an affinity with the ocean, it’s one of the most chaotic places I can think of. Nothing is static; everything is constantly changing, even the surface. Not one molecule of water is in the same place it was a fraction of a second ago. It's gentle enough to wash your face with, yet at the same time it can rip your face off if 10,000 tons of it comes crashing down on your beach resort and splinters the wood like matchsticks.

I stayed under the waves for what could have been a few seconds, minutes or hours, watching the fish glide past in slow motion, the sun criss crossing reflective patterns on their scales. Time, as Albert Holstein once said, is relative. He was a smart fella, that Holstein. What he didn’t count on is that while most people are prisoners of time and can’t make it go faster or slower, I can do this almost subconsciously.  It usually happens when I daydream, or when I’m too deep in thought, or simply when I’m relaxing.

I watched the startled fish try to reorient themselves and on a whim made them different colours and gave them longer snouts so that they looked more like swimming wind instruments. Then I floated upward and surfaced. There was no land in sight, and at the moment that was exactly what I needed. This was the perfect place to think.

I lay on my back with my hands behind my head, pondering my options. Where should I go first?

After weighing up the pros and cons of several places, I decided on one, but first it was time to go tickle the kraken. Next Chapter: The First Letter Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 34 Minutes