Rage Reviews Tears Apart Fluttershy's Bad Fanfiction
by Palm Palette
Chapters
Spike Likes This
“Some tea?” Fluttershy carried in a pitcher of amber-colored liquid lightly scented with a drop of honey and a hint of lime. She had a huge grin on her face and a bounce in her step that caused her feathers to rustle.
“I-I'm not so sure.” Rarity levitated a hoofwritten page in front of her bloodshot, twitching eyes. “I think I'll need something a lot stronger than tea.” As she read, independent hairs on her delicately coiffured mane sprung out, making bids for freedom that were sadly foiled by the fact that they remained attached to her.
Fluttershy carefully set the pitcher down and looked at all her friends, who avoided eye contact. “Um, is everything okay?”
“I-it's just that, well...” Rarity's eyes darted back and forth. She bumped Pinkie with her hoof under the table.
“At least it has a happy ending?” Pinkie blurted out.
Fluttershy gasped. “Did-did you not like the rest?”
“What! No, no. It's not like that. It's just that, uh...” Pinkie caught Applejack's eyes and pointed at her.
Applejack gulped. “Well, Ah can honestly say that I, uh, am happy to be here with my friends. But, uh, I have chores that Ah've been putting off, so if y'all excuse me...” Applejack darted out the door so fast that her hat remained suspended in the air behind her. An orange hoof reached back through the door and snatched it.
“Oh, well, I guess chores are important too.” Fluttershy frowned.
Rainbow Dash picked up a sheet and cringed at it.
“Dash, is something wrong?” Fluttershy winced as if she'd been hit.
Dash jumped and started hovering. She quickly put a smile on her face. “Ah, no, no! I like it! I really do. But, uh, this character—”
Fluttershy perked up and closed her eyes. She wore a huge smile again. “Isn't she the most perfect, awesome, kindest, lovable character ever?”
While her eyes were closed, Rainbow Dash took the opportunity to fly out the window.
Pinkie Pie wound up in Fluttershy's gaze when she opened her eyes again. The pink pony put on a huge smile. “Oh, well, I do love everypony!”
“Yay.” Fluttershy tapped her hooves together.
“Speaking of which, I have a party to plan. Catch ya later!” Pinkie waved and bounced out the door, all without breaking her smile.
Fluttershy smiled and waved back but her smile faded when she noticed that the table was mostly empty. Nopony had touched her tea.
Spike, who had been drumming his claws on the table, grabbed the piece of paper that Rainbow Dash had dropped and started reading it.
“Rarity, were you saying something earlier?” Fluttershy asked.
“Oh!” The space under the table was now devoid of legs to kick. “I, um...” Rarity stared at the table. “I've...been left speechless. Yes! That's it.” Rarity smiled which was kind of creepy with her bloodshot eyes. “I cannot properly express my praise without first having an eight-hour bubble bath.” She got up and walked out as well. “See you soon!”
“Um, bye.” Fluttershy waved weakly.
Spike laughed. “Oh I get it. It sounds like 'a salt lick.' This is pretty good.”
“Spike, don't read that!” Twilight snatched the page away with her magic.
“Hey! Why not?” He waved his arms in the air but failed to grab it.
“Because it's awf—” Twilight's eyes popped open when she saw that Fluttershy was on the verge of tears “—awfully good for a first draft.” She smiled. “It...just needs a little polishing up, and it will be a whole lot better!”
“Aw, I don't mind a few typos.” Spike reached for the paper again.
“No!” Twilight snapped and pushed him back. “If you read the rest, it will spoil the ending!”
“Oh. Okay.” Spike scratched his head.
“I-is it really that bad?” Fluttershy asked, mortified.
“What? No! I didn't mean it like that.” Twilight giggled wanly. She avoided direct eye contact. “It's a good story. It just needs a little touching up. That's all.”
Spike raised an eyebrow. His eyes lit up. “Hey, wait a minute—”
“Not now, Spike.” Twilight pointed at the door and bumped him in that direction with her head. “We have to find a grammar reference and a dictionary or two—or three—to help Fluttershy with her editing.”
“Oof. Okay, I'm going.” Spike rubbed his back and walked out the door. Twilight grinned at Fluttershy one last time and trotted out after him. After a moment, Spike stuck his head back in the door. “Good story so far. I like it.”
“Thanks, Spike.” Fluttershy waved at him, but her heart sank when he departed and she was left alone. She sat down at the table and gathered up the pages of her story. Tapping the sheets to line them up, she couldn't help but smile at the description of the character she'd created. Still, she hadn't gotten the overwhelming praise that she'd expected and her ears drooped a little.
Looking up, she stared into her untouched pitcher of tea. “They said they liked it, but...” Her eyes watered and a single tear dripped into the fluid. “...their body language said otherwise. I know they don't want hurt my feelings, and I can appreciate that, but at the same time, it still hurts. I'd like to know what I did wrong.” Fluttershy flipped through the pages and shook her head. “Why can't they see how perfect this is?”
She turned her head to look out the window. “You know, I kind of wish that there was somebody out there who was willing to give me their honest opinion.”
Unbeknownst to Fluttershy, a pegasus tear mixed in amber tea with a drop of honey and a hint of lime was the exact recipe for a wishing potion. The entire pitcher erupted into a puff of smoke and shot out the window past the mopey pegasus.
“Huh?” Fluttershy scratched her head. “What was that all about?”
Straight-A Rage!
For reasons not entirely clear, Fluttershy's chicken coop was a magnet for magical weirdness. The puff of smoke seeped in through cracks in the wooden boards and swirled around, stirring up straw, feathers, and dust. The chickens squabbled and clucked and fled the the building. Moments later, a bright white light bust from the seams and chicken coop bulged and exploded in a flurry of splinters. Later, Fluttershy would learn that her insurance policy wasn't all it was clucked up to be, because the inspector declined to pay thanks to fowl play.
When the brown, feathery dust settled, a strange red-skinned bald man sat crouched down in the smouldering crater where the coop once stood. He uncurled his thin, muscular frame, leaned up to face the unforgiving sky and stretched his arms out with his fists balled-up. His knuckles turned white as he shook them at empty air.
“Khaaaan!” he screamed. His voice boomed across the landscape and echoed back. With a twitching cringe and curl on his lips, he wiped broken eggshell, gooey yolk, and feathers off of his simple, brown shirt. “...never woke up covered in chicken shit.”
“Um, a-are you okay?” Shaking with timidity, Fluttershy poked her head around the corner of her cottage. A quick count of her wildly clucking chickens assured her that all of them were okay.
The man stood to his full height, which was about as tall as the ill-fated coop. He loomed over the timidly crouching Fluttershy. Grunting, he walked past her.
“Um... who are you? Can I help you?” Fluttershy kept her distance. Despite his small size, this strange red man made her nervous in ways that no beast did. She wanted to hide in a bush, but he was on her property and didn't want him to bother her animals. He showed no interest in her beasts, though, and marched straight to her her front door. Fluttershy's eyes widened. She raised a hoof and reflexively spread her wings when he put his hand on her door handle. “Wait! T-that's my house! What are you doing?”
His hard, leathery body paused. Stiff muscles tensed under his skin as he twisted his neck to look at her. Thick black eyebrows lowered, turning his beady eyes into narrow slits. “You can call me Rage Reviews, and I'm here for your fanfiction.”
“What?” Fluttershy's mouth fell open. Her fanfiction? How did he—?
She ran after him when he pulled yanked the door and marched inside. “S-stop! I-I'm sorry, but you can't go in there. I'm going to have to ask that you kindly leave.”
Rage Reviews ignored her plea and plopped himself down on the still-warm seat vacated by Rarity. His bloodshot, white eyes bore through the timid pegasus's soul. She felt like she was being judged for eternal damnation. His deep, red face contorted into something between a sneer and scowl. Skin was stretched taught or scrunched up and he bared his white teeth. There were no fangs, but that made him no less intimidating. He looked as if he might start screaming at any moment. It must have taken some force of will for him to speak in an even voice, “No.”
“No?” Fluttershy was taken aback. Asking nicely usually worked. Well, okay, it didn't, but she hated doing anything more forceful. She also hated being a doormat. Summoning some courage, she said, “B-but you can't just stay here. You're not invited!”
Rage Reviews pulled a thin pair of reading glasses out of his shirt pocket. He spat on them and wiped them off on a unsoiled part of his shirt. They only made his eyes look beadier when he wore them. “You summoned me, and now that you have my attention, you will not get rid of me.”
“What?” Fluttershy's blood ran cold. Magical mishaps could happen to anypony. Had she actually summoned this thing?
“I came for your fanfiction.” Rage Reviews reached out and grabbed the stack of paper. He pulled it closer to him, and leaned down as if clutching a sacred treasure. “I will review it.”
“Wait! Go back to that last part. What do you mean you were summoned? W-what are you, exactly? Why are you really here?”
“Harrumph,” the red man grunted. “If you must know, I am an embodiment of anger and frustration. I am the part of the mind that is locked away by polite restraint. I was born from a desire to express those feelings—to unleash the rage and let the hatred flow. You wished for an honest opinion. You will get mine.”
Fluttershy gasped. “That must be awful. All that negative emotion... A-are you—” Fluttershy gulped “—evil?”
The man snorted. “Judgmental, much? Negative emotions are a part of every sentient being. They help define who you are and how you act. You might not like them, but when they surface, you do heed them. Fear leads to safety. Pain lends itself to prevention. Grief can punish the careless.” Rage Reviews peeled the top sheet off the stack of papers and held it up to his face. “Anger can correct poor behavior in others.”
“Oh. I never thought about it like that. You're surprisingly intellectual for a being made from—”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?”
Fluttershy squeaked and jumped back. Her fanfiction—he was holding her fanfiction—her baby, her story. She curled up and whimpered from her whole being. From the terrible, nasty look on his face, he... didn't like it.
***
After what felt like an hour, Rage Reviews set down the papers. His eye twitched beneath his reading glasses and the odor of brimstone hung on his breath. He turned his attention to the author, Fluttershy, who laid curled up in a ball in the corner of the room.
“Oh boy, where do I even begin with this fetid lump of text? While I suppose I can forgive the wall-of-text formatting and frequent misspellings because it's hoof-written, that still doesn't excuse it from having blander characters and less conflict than the average McHay-Bales employee application written in crayon.”
“What? No!” Fluttershy stuck her head up. Her eyes were wide and glossy. “It's like a million times better than that! How could you say something like that?!”
“How could you say something like this:”
Teal deer was an amantzing dear that everypony knew and loved!!! She did had a dark past where her face was scarred, but not to the point where it looks bad because that would be bad, She wore a lovely blue dress with built-in saddlebags that were also built-in and saddlebags. It was 20% cooler because she made it herself beecause she could do that because she was a fashion designer 2.
Rage Reviews got up from the table and walked over to the wall. With one sweeping motion, his arm dislodged her framed pictures, toppled birdcages, knocked over a lamp, and dislodged a clock. All the items came crashing down in a horrendous racket that could have awakened Hat-thulu from his eternal slumber, had he existed.
Fluttershy jumped. Her mouth hung agape as he wrecked her place. She was too shocked to say anything, and Rage Reviews quietly sat back down at his seat. With a snap of his red-hued fingers, an image flickered and appeared on her newly-vacated wall:
“W-what is that!? Where did you get that picture of me? A-and, um...” The longer Fluttershy stared at it, the quieter her voice became.
“It's just a thing that I do. Deal with it.” He cleared his throat and slapped his hand on her fanfiction. An accusatory finger rapped at the top of her page. “Ignoring all the tense confusions, bad grammar and misspellings, you've pretty much checked off every symptom of a capitalistic self-inset character in the book!”
“Hey! Teal Deer is like the best character, ever! I-I put a lot of time and effort into making her as awesome as possible.” Fluttershy hopped up and hovered in the air so she could cross her forelegs and turn her nose up at him without falling over.
The red man simply chuckled. “I rest my case.” Pointing at the fanfiction, he said, “Moving on, we have Mane-iac declare her diabolical scheme and... that was apparently an entire chapter. Seriously? That's all? That can't be more than three paragraphs!”
“What's so bad about that?” Fluttershy asked.
“It's bad because this story has no detail whatsoever! There's no buildup. There's no description. There's hardly any action! Imagine, if you will, a scene in which the insane and terrifying Mane-iac smashes down the walls of an orphanage, overpowers the matron and kidnaps mane-fulls of screaming, flailing children in front of her eyes.”
Fluttershy gasped and covered her mouth.
“That's what you implied happened off-screen.” Rage Reviews drummed his fingers on her wooden table. “In your story, the word 'orphans' is just a noun. It's a thing that has no life or personality to it all. You could replace the orphans with a fruit basket and nothing about your story would change. Plus, there's also this:”
The Power Ponies would not let happen so they rush in to save the orphens but it was a trap. Mani-iac beat them because they were bad.
“How did this happen?” Masked Matter-horn asked, “it's like we didn't get to fight.”
Rage Reviews snapped his fingers, changing the image on the wall.
Fluttershy blinked. “My, that's a cute picture of Gummy. And, um...”
“No! I don't know what the dickens is going on! Your fight scene was over before it even began! Your story is so rushed that even your characters complain about the pacing! Do you think I would have liked to see that fight play out? You know what? I'd have liked to see the Hindenburg crash into the Titanic, but I'm not going to see that either, am I?”
“What?”
“So the power ponies all get captured and locked up. Way to remove the actual heroes to pave the way for your bland OC. This is about as exciting as peeling dead skin off a sunburn.”
“Is that some kind of troll?” Fluttershy asked.
“Maybe...”
“DIE!”
Rage Reviews ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He ran faster than he ever had before. An Olympic sprinter would be envious of his burst of speed. The sunny, flowering scenery shot by in a blur. Unfortunately for him, no human can outrun an enraged equine with wings.
Fluttershy knocked him down in a flying tackle. They rolled along the ground, tumbling end over end. He tried to squirm out of her grip, but she was too strong. When they came to a stop, she promptly twisted him into a pretzel (ergonomically, of course. She wasn't actually trying to hurt him.)
As it just so happened, that was the exact procedure for an unsummoning ritual. Rage Reviews vanished in a puff of smoke and Fluttershy flopped to the ground.
The smoke rose up next to her coalesced back into her pitcher of tea. It fell to the ground and wobbled for a bit before coming to rest without spilling a drop. Fluttershy blinked. She got up and sniffed it. “That's... my tea. I was just given the most critical review in my entire life by... tea.” In spite of herself, she rolled over laughing. Eventually, she wiped a tear from her eye, got up, and flew back to her cottage. To her surprise, it wasn't empty.
“Fluttershy, are you okay?” Twilight ran over to her. “I was already on my way back and I heard screaming, but when I got here your place was empty.”
“I, um...” Fluttershy looked past Twilight at Spike, who scratched his head and picked up torn bits of paper. “It's nothing that I won't get over eventually.”
“Aw, you didn't have to shred it.” Spike collected a few more pieces from the floor and tossed them on the table next to some thick tomes that weren't there earlier. “I really wanted to know how it ends.”
Fluttershy brushed past Twilight and took a seat at the table. She folded her forelegs in front of her and rested her chin on them. “Spike, it was terrible.”
“I know. That was the best part.”
“Huh?” Fluttershy raised her chin to look at him.
Twilight per her hoof on Fluttershy's shoulder. “When we were searching the library for dictionaries, I asked Spike what he thought was so funny. He... basically said that it was so bad that it defied all expectations and actually came out quite funny. I guess I'd been too caught up all the misspellings and grammar errors to see that. If we cleaned the story up it could be a good comedy.” Twilight grinned.
Fluttershy scratched her chin. “The angry red man did say something similar.”
Twilight blinked. “Who?”
Fluttershy frowned. “Um, I'll tell you later.” She waved a hoof at the shredded pile of paper that Spike had collected. “I guess it's to late to fix my story now.” Spike pulled two scraps out of the pile and held them up next to each other. They fit. He set them aside and pulled out a third piece. It also matched. Fluttershy's eyes lit up. “...or not. Maybe we can fix my story!”
Twilight scratched her chin. “Uh, I guess, but it will probably take all night.”
“But look how fast Spike's reassembling the pages. He'll he done in an hour, tops.”
Twilight pointed at the partially assembled scrap of paper. She levitated a tome in front of Fluttershy and magically turned the pages. She pointed at a matching entry in the dictionary. “ 'Different' only has one 'r,' not two, and it doesn't have an 'a' in it.”
The heat of Fluttershy embarrassment inflamed her cheeks. “Um, okay. Maybe it will take all night.” She flew up and poked her head out the window. “Say, um, do you mind if I head out for a while? I have to round up my chickens and see if Applejack has room for them in her barn tonight.”
Twilight smiled. “Sure. Do what you need to. It will take Spike and me a while to fit the pieces back together, anyway. I'm just glad that you're not upset. It was fairly obvious what we'd really thought about your story from how we'd acted.” She frowned and lowered her eyes.
“Well, I was at first, but now that I've had time to think, I guess the fault was really mine for both writing a bad story and expecting too much from it. I do want to thank you both for volunteering to do what you can to help fix it.” She flew down and embraced them both in a big hug. “You two really are some of the best friends that I could ever hope for.”
Fluttershy's Fanfiction (Edited)
Prologue:
Teal Deer was an amazing deer that everypony knew and loved. She had a dark past where her face was scarred but not to the point where it looked bad because that would be bad. She wore a lovely blue dress with built-in saddlebags that were also built-in and saddlebags. It was twenty percent cooler than the average dress because she'd made it herself. She could do that because she was a fashion designer too.
One day, the meanie pony Mane-iac captured all the orphans and threatened to shave them if her new tail tangler was not worn by all the ponies. That was bad because the orphans were too poor to buy clothes and would get cold if they were bald. The tail tangler was uncomfortable too.
“I will have my meanie ways and the Power Ponies will not stop me this time because they are bad!” said Mane-iac.
Chapter 1:
The Power Ponies would not let this happen so they rushed in to save the orphans but it was a trap. Mane-iac beat them because they were bad.
“How did this happen?” Masked Matter-horn asked. “It's like we didn't even get to fight.”
“Hey!” Fili-second tried to escape their inescapable cage. “This scene rushed by even faster than I do!” She could not escape because their cage was escape-proof. It did not let her escape.
“I just can't get mad in front of orphans,” said Saddle Ranger. “I don't want to upset them.”
“We are doomed,” said Zapp. “Nopony can save us now.”
“Nopony can, but what about a deer?!” Teal Deer appeared and everypony was awed.
“Yay! It is Teal Deer! We are saved!” said all the orphans and Power Ponies who were in awe of Teal Deer.
“Not so fast!” said Mane-iac. “For I am ready for you too!” said Maine-iac, in a surprising twist of fate. “I have assault lick!” said Mane-iac.
Chapter 2:
“No! Not assault lick!” Teal Deer was frightened because that was her secret weakness.
“Bwa ha ha!” said Mane-iac who unleashed assault lick.
“Aaah!” Teal Deer was embarrassed because she was licked by assault lick and her hair was all mussed up and she could not go out in public like that. She had to hide so she jumped behind a box in the corner of the room.
“But now you are trapped!” said Mane-iac. “For the floor is wooden, and if you move, you could get splinters in your hooves!”
“No! Not splinters in my hooves!” said Teal Deer. “Whatever will I do!?”
Mistress Mare-velous and Radiance who were also in the inescapable cage hugged each other. “We can't believe it ends this way,” they said. “We love each other.”
Was all hope lost!?
Chapter 3:
“Now I am totally free to have my meanie ways!” said Mane-iac.
All the Power Ponies and orphans cried.
“There is only one way to stop me, and that is by pulling the lever on the other side of the room. With the Power Ponies trapped and Teal Deal trapped in a different way, there is nopony who can stop me!” said Mane-iac.
But wait! Humdrum was not caged or trapped in a different way! He walked over to pull the lever but fell asleep before he got there because he was tired.
“No! Not Humdrum too!” said Teal Deer. “You fiend!”
Chapter 4:
All of the citizens of Mare-tropolis lined up for tail tanglers because they did not want to see the orphans cry.
“My plan is working!” said Mane-iac. “I am undefeatable!”
“No! You will not get away with this!” said Teal Deer. “For I have escaped your trap!” It was true. Teal Deer was free.
“What!? How did you escape the wooden floor!?” asked Mane-iac.
“It is because I took off my dress! For you see, my saddlebags were secretly covering up my wings which I have because I am part flying deer.”
Everypony was shocked at this revelation. With her wings, Teal Deer could fly over the wooden floor and not get splinters in her hooves.
“But what about your messy hair? Why does it look good now?” asked Mane-iac.
“It is because I had a comb in my saddlebags!” said Teal Deer.
Everypony was shocked at this revelation. With her comb, Teal Deer could fix her hair and not be embarrassed in public.
“But you have not yet pulled the lever! Until you do that, I still win!” said Mane-iac.
But Teal Deer was ready for that too. Her antlers glowed and she pulled the lever with her magic deer powers. She could do that, because she was part magic deer too.
“Noo!” screamed Mane-iac.
The inescapable cage lifted off the Power Ponies, because that is what the lever did. “Yay, we are freed!”
The inescapable cage landed on Mane-iac, because that is what the lever did too. “No! I have been defeated!”
Epilogue:
Teal Deer was swamped by all the ponies and orphans who loved her. “We love you, Teal Deer!” they shouted with their love.
Teal Deal was embarrassed by their love. “I am sorry, I said. But I only have love for the Power Ponies.” It was true. Teal Deer's heart was big, but it was only big enough for the Power Ponies. That was her second biggest weakness.
“It is okay. We only have love for you too,” said the Power Ponies. Even Mistress Mare-velous and Radiance said that, because they decided that they loved Teal Deer more than they loved each other.
“But you cannot all love each other,” said Humdrum, who woke up. “You are all girls.”
“But that is where you are wrong!” said Teal Deer. “I can too love them, because I am also part male deer!”
It was true. Teal Deer was part male deer, and because of that she could love any doe or buck or mare or stallion that she wanted, even Humdrum.
“I am sorry. By being part male deer you have made my argument invalid and I have been made to look foolish. Can you forgive me and love me too?” Humdrum asked.
“I don't know. My heart is only big enough for the Power Ponies,” said Teal Deer.
“He's always been part of our team,” said Radiance.
“He might be a failure in every way but he is one of us,” said Zapp.
“Okay, I can love him too,” said Teal Deer.
And they all cheered and got married and adopted all the orphans and Mane-iac had to wear all of her tail tanglers at once.
The End