The Disturbing Origins of Doctor Whooves

"Exterminate." A electronic voice screeched out from a Cylindrical Robot. It was painted in gold with a Camera Eye, a Plunger for one arm and a Tube for the other. It made an electronic whirring as it's motor pushed it forward.  

A brown earth pony with spiked hair and an hour glass cutie mark stood in front of the advancing robot. He stared defiantly into its single eye. Beside him was a grey pegasus with a blond mane and a bubbly cutie mark. "Not today Dalek. Equestria will not fall to the likes of you. I've stopped your race a thousand times and I will stop you. I am the Doctor and you..."

"Cut!" the director yelled. "Time Turner don't look at the Dalek, look at camera three."

"Um... It says in the script look at the Dalek." Time Turner said pulling out his script.

"No, no that was for the scene when the Dalek was shooting lasers at you. For the speech you have to look into the camera like Derpy was doing."

"It wasn't shooting lasers at me. It just sorta rolls around. Sometimes the light bulbs on its head light up." Time Turner said.

"We add the lasers in post-production. Now from the top now. Action!"

"......" The Dalek sat unmoving in front of the two actors.

"The dumb trash can is supposed to speak soon right?" Derpy asked.

"Cut!" the director facehoofed. "What's wrong with the thing this time?"

A Unicorn walked up to the Dalek. "It seems to have blown a circuit. It'll be fixed in about a half hour."

A small grey Unicorn filly sitting in a folding looked up from her magazine. "More delays before my scene... Can we speed this along? I have places to be!" she shouted.

"Keep your horn on Dinky we'll get to your part when we get to it. We're moving the story along as fast as we can."  The Director said. "Look why don't we move onto the next scene. The Doctor and Bright Bubbles running into the TARDIS."

"The what?" Time Turner asked.

The Director pointed a hoof towards a blue shed.

"What the heck is that supposed to be?" Time Turner asked.

"The TARDIS. It's a spaceship that travels though time. TARDIS stands for"

"Wait!" Time Turner said cutting the director off. "That's supposed to my Spaceship... I was expecting something I don't know... better. Like a Rocketship maybe."

"We don't have the budget for a Rocket. You get a Shed."

Derpy flipped through her script. "Um... excuse me director but there is a lot of dialog between the three of us in there. Isn't it going to be a little cramped?"

The director smiled. "It's bigger on the inside."

Derpy walked over to the shed and opened the door. "No... It really isn't." she said looking back at the Director.

The Director sighed. "We shoot the inside somewhere else."

"The script says I unlock the door and then we run towards the shed and climb inside. How do I unlock the door before we get there?" Time Turner asked.

"With a screwdriver."

"That isn't how screwdrivers work."

"It's sonic."

"That isn't how loud screwdrivers work."

The Director grimaced. "Look it is future technology. It opens doors and turns on and off machines. Like magic but from the future."

"What else can it do?"

"That's it."

"So like magic but it does less than any Unicorn can do. Couldn't I just get a Unicorn companion? I mean what's next a hammer that makes me fly worse then Derpy does?"

"Hey I fly fine!" Derpy yelled. "I would like to see you fly better Earth Pony."

"I would but my advanced future technology only does things slightly worse then the things we can do today. Also in the future all Spaceships are sheds. Hey by the way if this musical pen turns off Machines can't I just use it to turn off the Dalek."

"Yes but only at the end of the film." the Director said.

"Eat your heart out Shakespeare." Time Turner deadpanned.

"Who's Shakespeare?" Derpy asked. "Are you sure that name is correct. It sounds weird."

"William Shakespeare was a famous pony who wrote plays about five hundred years ago. Come on you auditioned for a film about Time Travel and don't know basic history." Time Turner mocked.

"Look the name is just weird. I thought it would be like Shakespony or something." Derpy defended.

"Well it isn't Derpy. Go read a third grade textbook or something." Time Turner turned to the Director. "Anyway, so this screwdriver is just supposed to solve all my problems at the end of every film in a slightly less spectacular way then a Unicorn would have."

"No, no, no. We have lots of ways for you to solve problems. The screwdriver just helps. Besides not all your foes are machines. The next one is another Time King called the Master."

"Oh great. A villain based around S&M. That will play well for a show children will watch. Let me guess, Latex Bridle and Saddle. Does he have a Sonic Riding Crop to?" Time Turner rolled his eyes.

"It's just a name Time Turner. Don't worry." The Director turned to his assistant. "Tell the writers to change The Masters design… No latex and ditch the crop." he whispered.

"So this Master is another Time King like me. What kind of crazy powers does he have?" Time Turner asked.

"Well like you he can regenerate. He also has his own TARDIS."

"So he is master of his own shed and can..." Time Turner paused. "What is regenerating?"

"Time Kings don't die; they just Regenerate into a new body. Everything about them changes, their looks, voice and even there personality."

Time Turner raised an eyebrow. "So it's basically a gimmick to write me off the show. I want a contract for at least a six film series or I walk off this amateur production."

"Oh hold on to your hooves and relax. They're not going to just kill you off at the drop of a saddle." Derpy scoffed.

"Yeah Time Turner you don't have to worry. It will be a while before we replace you and your companion." The Director reassured.

"Wait! When he goes I go?" A shocked Derpy said turning to the Director. "I want a twelve film contract or I walk off this pony shit film you cheap hack!" Derpy shouted.

It's going to be one of those days. The Director thought. "Hey Tech Pony how long till the Trashcan is working again!"

"About twenty minutes or so." The Technician said.

"Just study your scripts or something. We'll deal with contracts after we finish filming today." The Director said.

Derpy and Time Turner sat down and began leafing through their scripts.

"Hey it looks like I'm a love interest. How am I supposed to be a love interest if I get replaced with each new Doctor?" Derpy asked.

"You never actually get with the Doctor. You just follow him around and ask questions. Like an audience member would, you’re the audiences link to the story. The Audiences imagination flows through your character." The Director said. "The romantic tension is just a side thing Derpy."

Time Turner gave the Director a flat look. "Now every mare in the audience can imagine following around the Stallion they love while getting nowhere and asking stupid questions with cross eyes. I guess it will help mares with weird disabilities know they can almost find love."

"Hey buck you! I get it just fine and from a lot better Stallions then you. The last thing I want is Time Turner's tiny clock." Derpy stuck her tongue out at Time Turner.

"First off I'll have you know it's like a Grand Father Clock. Also watch your dirty mouth the filly could have heard you." Time Turner said pointing his foreleg at Dinky.

Dinky looked up from her magazine. "Something about Time Turner's old clock having a tiny pendulum. I wasn't listening."

Time Turner growled. "Clearly you were... Where did you get a mouth like that!"

Dinky lit up a Cigar and took a puff. "I'm a child actor. I'm pretty much dead inside."

"Hey what is up with all this Muffin dialog?" Derpy asked looking up from her script.

"What do you mean?" The director asked.

"Well starting at the breakfast scene every third word out of my mouth is muffin." Derpy flipped the page. "Muffin, muffin, muffin." She flipped another page. "Muffin, muffin. This is getting ridiculous."

"So you say muffin a lot during breakfast. That isn't not so bad. It's character building. Lets the audience know your favorite food." Time Turner said looking over at Derpy's script.

"No I am way past the breakfast scene. Five pages later and I am still saying it. It's like I am obsessed with muffins. It's kinda creepy."

"Look its comedy. Your character says muffins audience laughs." The Director interjected.

"I did stand up for four years. I know comedy and this isn't it. Muffins are not funny, they are breakfast." Derpy replied.

"Yes but in certain..." The Director started.

"No" Derpy cut him off.

"If you..."

"No."

"Yes but muff..."

"No."

"Fine what do you think we should do?!" The Director shouted.

"We could replace Muffins with oh I don't know actual dialog. This whole part is terrible. In fact this paragraph almost reads like pornography. How much does my character like muffins?" Derpy deadpanned.

"What?" Time Turner asked peaking at Derpy's script. "I don't see it."

"Just replace the word muffin with penis in your head."

"Doctor Wooves reached a hoof down and gripped a muffin. Do you want some of this Bright Bubbles? I'm so hungry for it Bubbles replied. Bubbles licked the top of the Muffin before taking the whole thing into her mouth. Doctor Whooves moaned as... Okay yeah this is um... I don't even know what this is." Time Turner said incredulously.

"I'm not doing this." Derpy said.

"Look it's less porny on camera okay." The Director said.

"No it's not" Time Turner said his eyes wide with shock. "I think this script is from a porno with the word Muffin replacing Penis and the word Daisy replacing Vagina"

Dinky looked up from her magazine. "Daisy? ... You mean my character?"

"Don't be silly it wasn't porn!" the Director shouted nervously.

"Bright Bubbles rubbed the top of the muffin. I sure want to taste it but my Daisy is just begging for it. Bubbles said. Bubbles rubbed Daisies head paying extra attention to the horn before grabbing the muffin and pushing it between Daisies eager lips." Time Turner looked up at the Director skeptically. "Care to explain."

"Look that doesn't prove anything. Sure the scene isn't worded as well as it could have been but as you said it isn't Shakespeare." The Director defended.

"You forgot to change the wording in this sentence here." Time Turner said. "Doctor Whore shoved his full length into Derpy's mouth."

"I... I..." The Director stuttered.

"Wait a minute." Derpy shoved Time Turner aside and looked at the script her eyes going wide. "It... It.... really says Derpy." she stuudered. "Was this a Porno when I auditioned for it? Was I hired for porn?"

"Well of course we were going to tell you before you... you know. But this isn't porn anymore. We realized we could get a really big government grant if we made a kids show so we altered our script." The Director confessed.

Dinky took a long drag off her cigar. "Double my salary or I'll go out to the press and tell them that you tried to use a six year old as a substitute for a forty year old mare's vag."

"I'm twenty six you little..."

"My character was originally Doctor Whore... I can't believe I am working for..."

"Pay up or I go to the press old pony..."

The Director buried his face in his hooves. I'm not making porn anymore and I'm still getting screwed. he thought.

"Daleks fixed."

"What?" the Director said looking up.

The Technician pushed the Dalek back onto the set. "We fixed it." He said. The Technician looked over at the three film stars. The kid was screaming, the mare was sobbing and the stallion was ranting. "What is their deal?" he asked.

The Director sighed. "Listen up everypony!" he yelled. "None of you idiots are walking off the picture. I will double the brat's salary and give you two your contracts and will have the script re-written and we will make this film series. I am the Director and you are the actors and you will get back to work. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir." The actors said in unison.

"Action!"

"Exterminate."

"Not today Dalek. Equestria will not fall to the likes of you. I've stopped..."

"Cut! Time Turner again please don't look at the Dalek. Look at camera three."